1: REALITY BEYOND COMPREHENSION

The date was April 24th, 1997.I would never forget it. I was sitting in my doctor’s office as the day before he called and said it was urgent that he see me. It was only a matter of minutes that I was left waiting in his office, but it seemed like an hour had gone by, as my body was doing the Nevada shuffle. It’s a term I’ve heard many times and is used to describe the mannerisms of drug addicts and alcoholics.

Slowly the drug withdrawals of the night before, or more truthfully, the cravings were causing my body to tremble. My doctor sadly informed me, that due to my continuous unpredictable lifestyle as an intravenous drug user, that my HIV infection was unfortunately progressing to aids and that regrettably, I was now in the process of slowly dying.

It was at this very moment that my whole life flashed before me. Oblivious to the doctor’s further words, or my surroundings, suddenly deep within myself, a volcanic rage like never before was erupting. This was not from anger but rather in total despair. I was mad at everyone, but myself. I was looking everywhere but within myself for reasons to justify what was happening to me.

So enormous was my complete helplessness in not being able to find some kind of justification for all the suffering I had endured throughout my life, that for the very first time I seriously considered suicide as the easiest escape .I even silently pleaded to God for a miracle to end this madness, which for the past twenty four years had been draining the very life from me.

Although I figured even this feeble attempt to save myself would remain unanswered, as I needed something beyond a miracle…In a nutshell my life has been one of great instability and for the most part my existence has been a shattered and tormented one. My lifestyle was one of crime, prison survival, violence, along with drug and alcohol addiction.

The price I paid for this goes far beyond the fourteen years I spent in prison, or the ten years that I was an intravenous drug user. As a direct result of sharing needles I contracted the incurable and devastating HIV illness, which apparently now unquestionably threatened to extinguish my life. The odds were very favorable that I would either spend the rest of my life in and out of prison, but in light of the doctor’s words, it seemed more likely that I would die from a drug overdose.

If I was in fact dying, it definitely wasn’t going to be from this horrifying illness known as aids. I wanted complete control of where, when and how this would happen. The events that were about to take place within the next three days in themselves were incredibly remarkable, as they changed my life forever. The question most of you may be wondering is, how could it, or was it even possible for someone with such a twisted life to change?

We’ll come back to the process of change and its unique challenges, as I’d like to focus on what brought me to this point in my life. This book is all about choices, specifically the ones I made and the consequences involved. No one is to blame for the course of my life, as ultimately we all have the freedom of choice. However where is that line drawn? As there is a huge distinction between having the assumed responsibility of conscientiously making our own choices and the period in our lives where those choices are influenced!

 Unguestionably most of our choices and beliefs have greatly been influenced and enforced by our parents. These become ingrained in our very nature, shaping us into the person we would become. CHOICES what a powerful and impactful word, one which we often take for granted. It’s certainly a very real part of who we are. Everyday in our lives we are governed by the choices we make. Since there are always consequences involved, the critical importance of any choice we make should be placed on how and why we make these decisions.

In most instances we reach our choices in a rational manner of thought, but make no mistake about it, there are many things that can strongly influence the choices we make. Throughout the process of change, we all must go through a period of deep reflection. As it’s only in the total understanding of why, that we are able to completely accept and come to terms with our past.

Simply put, in other words, we can then comfortably let go of the binding chains that for so long have imprisoned us. This is a crucial step in the process of change. As within the complicated paradox between our past and present, lies the key to a more successful future. In my case there were three contributing factors that played a major role; instability, environment and associations. We all look for stability and acceptance throughout our lives and in this we’d like for our environment  and friendships to be of a positive nature .

Although it’s these very influences if we allow them to cloud our judgment,  they can and will leave a lasting and destructive consequence in our lives. In the same breath, these same factors in themselves can at times be so deceptive, controlling and very manipulative when it comes to making our choices. Above everything else in my life the greatest hardship I ever had to endure and come to terms with, which still haunts me to this very day was the calculated coldness in which both my parents abandoned their children.

This within itself is incredibly incomprehensible, yet in itself irreversible, the damage and anguish caused by their actions remains inexcusable. This within time would splinter any illusions I had about unconditional love. It shattered any beliefs I held to be true and sacred. It crushed all possibilities of trust, which more importantly engraved within me a deep mistrust, that throughout the years created  a  deep-rooted sense of abandonment. This was to be the governing, if not controlling force of my insecurities, which in itself left me colder than that iceberg that sank the titanic.