Author Topic: Considering Divorce and seeking advice from those who've been there  (Read 1729 times)

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donikenn5

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I am considering ending my marriage of 29 years due to ongoing issues of being controlled by my husband to the point that he recently told me that he will no longer fund my volunteer work when he retires, and I will have to quit.  My volunteer work consists of advocating for children and the only expense I incur is driving to visit them at their homes approximately twice per month, attending hearings with them approximately once every three months, and attending advocacy meetings approximately twice per year, all of these within a 30 mile radius of my home.  This is just an example of the control/disrespect issues I have always dealt with.  I do not see this situation improving as my husband does not feel it is wrong of him to ask me to quit my volunteer work.  We are perfectly comfortable financially.  I am at an age and point in my life where I hear God's calling me to service more and more, and I actually intend to serve in more areas as time goes on.  Not only does it fulfill my desire to serve, it is so much of who I am and gives me great joy.  I do not think I can continue my purpose and feel this overwhelming disapproval, disrespect, and sometimes anger from my husband.  I am tired of getting a nervous stomachache every time I tell him I am leaving to go do my volunteer duties.  It just shouldn't have to be this way.

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Re: Considering Divorce and seeking advice from those who've been there
« Reply #1 on: Fri Mar 11, 2016 - 16:48:58 »
I am considering ending my marriage of 29 years due to ongoing issues of being controlled by my husband to the point that he recently told me that he will no longer fund my volunteer work when he retires, and I will have to quit
Really? Sometime more must be behind this. You have no support from God's word to divorce your husband over such trivial things, none whatsoever. Your husband may very well be unreasonable concerning this, yet that within itself does not give you a right to even consider a divorce. I may not like the way my wife squeeze the toothpaste, yet what right does that give me to divorce her? Yours is not that much different. Well, yes some, not neither are worthy of divorce. Did he slap you when he said that project is no longer within the budget? Really, you are wrong. Your husband has that right from God to guide his household as he seems fits. Your responsibility before God is to submit. I am not saying that he's right, yet he has that right from God. If my wife desired to do that, then no problem with me, yet I am not to judge another man on how he may do this or that. Every man is different and has the right to be different. Do you have scriptures supporting your desire to do what you want to do, apart from your husband's desires? No you do not.  I believe we should give our wives freedom and liberty to use their time wisely~and to use the family's money wisely as well. BUT, that's me, I know some brothers who are much more hands on, than I am. I ONLY step up, when I think I need to, which is very seldom ever. Really, she's spends less than I do. 

Offline Alma1995

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Re: Considering Divorce and seeking advice from those who've been there
« Reply #2 on: Sat Mar 12, 2016 - 09:33:13 »
I am considering ending my marriage of 29 years due to ongoing issues of being controlled by my husband to the point that he recently told me that he will no longer fund my volunteer work when he retires, and I will have to quit
Really? Sometime more must be behind this. You have no support from God's word to divorce your husband over such trivial things, none whatsoever. Your husband may very well be unreasonable concerning this, yet that within itself does not give you a right to even consider a divorce. I may not like the way my wife squeeze the toothpaste, yet what right does that give me to divorce her? Yours is not that much different. Well, yes some, not neither are worthy of divorce. Did he slap you when he said that project is no longer within the budget? Really, you are wrong. Your husband has that right from God to guide his household as he seems fits. Your responsibility before God is to submit. I am not saying that he's right, yet he has that right from God. If my wife desired to do that, then no problem with me, yet I am not to judge another man on how he may do this or that. Every man is different and has the right to be different. Do you have scriptures supporting your desire to do what you want to do, apart from your husband's desires? No you do not.  I believe we should give our wives freedom and liberty to use their time wisely~and to use the family's money wisely as well. BUT, that's me, I know some brothers who are much more hands on, than I am. I ONLY step up, when I think I need to, which is very seldom ever. Really, she's spends less than I do.
Wow, from what I've read this is not a trivial thing. She really enjoys doing what she does and her husband should be more supportive. Also, what she does is completely different from how you squeeze your toothpaste.  She does not have to submit to an unloving husband.

Quote
I am tired of getting a nervous stomachache every time I tell him I am leaving to go do my volunteer duties.  It just shouldn't have to be this way.
It shouldn't be this way. This can no longer keep on going like this. Before thinking about divorce try to get some couple counseling and support. If everything fails and you know that you tried to save your marriage, then do as your heart tells you.

Offline chosenone

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Re: Considering Divorce and seeking advice from those who've been there
« Reply #3 on: Sat Mar 12, 2016 - 11:33:46 »
Have you asked him why he doesnt want you doing that voluntary work? 
 Is your husband involved in the church and any work for God at all?

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Re: Considering Divorce and seeking advice from those who've been there
« Reply #4 on: Sat Mar 12, 2016 - 17:29:11 »
I am considering ending my marriage of 29 years due to ongoing issues of being controlled by my husband to the point that he recently told me that he will no longer fund my volunteer work when he retires, and I will have to quit
Really? Sometime more must be behind this. You have no support from God's word to divorce your husband over such trivial things, none whatsoever. Your husband may very well be unreasonable concerning this, yet that within itself does not give you a right to even consider a divorce. I may not like the way my wife squeeze the toothpaste, yet what right does that give me to divorce her? Yours is not that much different. Well, yes some, not neither are worthy of divorce. Did he slap you when he said that project is no longer within the budget? Really, you are wrong. Your husband has that right from God to guide his household as he seems fits. Your responsibility before God is to submit. I am not saying that he's right, yet he has that right from God. If my wife desired to do that, then no problem with me, yet I am not to judge another man on how he may do this or that. Every man is different and has the right to be different. Do you have scriptures supporting your desire to do what you want to do, apart from your husband's desires? No you do not.  I believe we should give our wives freedom and liberty to use their time wisely~and to use the family's money wisely as well. BUT, that's me, I know some brothers who are much more hands on, than I am. I ONLY step up, when I think I need to, which is very seldom ever. Really, she's spends less than I do.
Wow, from what I've read this is not a trivial thing. She really enjoys doing what she does and her husband should be more supportive. Also, what she does is completely different from how you squeeze your toothpaste.  She does not have to submit to an unloving husband.

This is a dangerous advice you just gave. The husband is the head of the house, he has the right to say no to her volunteering work, and it's certainly not a justification for divorce.

Offline Alma1995

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Re: Considering Divorce and seeking advice from those who've been there
« Reply #5 on: Sat Mar 12, 2016 - 19:04:08 »
I am considering ending my marriage of 29 years due to ongoing issues of being controlled by my husband to the point that he recently told me that he will no longer fund my volunteer work when he retires, and I will have to quit
Really? Sometime more must be behind this. You have no support from God's word to divorce your husband over such trivial things, none whatsoever. Your husband may very well be unreasonable concerning this, yet that within itself does not give you a right to even consider a divorce. I may not like the way my wife squeeze the toothpaste, yet what right does that give me to divorce her? Yours is not that much different. Well, yes some, not neither are worthy of divorce. Did he slap you when he said that project is no longer within the budget? Really, you are wrong. Your husband has that right from God to guide his household as he seems fits. Your responsibility before God is to submit. I am not saying that he's right, yet he has that right from God. If my wife desired to do that, then no problem with me, yet I am not to judge another man on how he may do this or that. Every man is different and has the right to be different. Do you have scriptures supporting your desire to do what you want to do, apart from your husband's desires? No you do not.  I believe we should give our wives freedom and liberty to use their time wisely~and to use the family's money wisely as well. BUT, that's me, I know some brothers who are much more hands on, than I am. I ONLY step up, when I think I need to, which is very seldom ever. Really, she's spends less than I do.
Wow, from what I've read this is not a trivial thing. She really enjoys doing what she does and her husband should be more supportive. Also, what she does is completely different from how you squeeze your toothpaste.  She does not have to submit to an unloving husband.

This is a dangerous advice you just gave. The husband is the head of the house, he has the right to say no to her volunteering work, and it's certainly not a justification for divorce.
I had a hard time noticing what your reply was.
Let me quote something we may have not seen before.
Quote
ending my marriage of 29 years due to ongoing issues of being controlled by my husband


So the issue here is her husband behaviour, not only his dissaproval about her volunteering work. Her husband is the head of the house, I can't deny that. But an unloving husband is grounds for divorce. No one can deny that.
« Last Edit: Sat Mar 12, 2016 - 19:06:27 by Alma1995 »

LexKnight

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Re: Considering Divorce and seeking advice from those who've been there
« Reply #6 on: Sat Mar 12, 2016 - 21:31:14 »
Alma...

Quote
Let me quote something we may have not seen before.
Quote
ending my marriage of 29 years due to ongoing issues of being controlled by my husband


So the issue here is her husband behaviour, not only his dissaproval about her volunteering work. Her husband is the head of the house, I can't deny that. But an unloving husband is grounds for divorce. No one can deny that.

No it isn't, the Lord made it clear betrayal is the only grounds of such, and she has not demonstrated any evidence of her husband betraying her. If she was to divorce right now based on what she told us, she would make herself into an adulterer, and there would be no favor there.

When David came to Nabal, his wife wisely advised him to hold off any judgment, so he did. Then the Lord struck Nabal down. If this woman's husband is truly walking in opposition to the Lord in manner of behavior or character, then it is the Lord to deal with it Himself, but it is not grounds for her separating. Rather...

Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.


Offline Texas Conservative

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Re: Considering Divorce and seeking advice from those who've been there
« Reply #7 on: Sat Mar 12, 2016 - 22:06:09 »
I am considering ending my marriage of 29 years due to ongoing issues of being controlled by my husband to the point that he recently told me that he will no longer fund my volunteer work when he retires, and I will have to quit
Really? Sometime more must be behind this. You have no support from God's word to divorce your husband over such trivial things, none whatsoever. Your husband may very well be unreasonable concerning this, yet that within itself does not give you a right to even consider a divorce. I may not like the way my wife squeeze the toothpaste, yet what right does that give me to divorce her? Yours is not that much different. Well, yes some, not neither are worthy of divorce. Did he slap you when he said that project is no longer within the budget? Really, you are wrong. Your husband has that right from God to guide his household as he seems fits. Your responsibility before God is to submit. I am not saying that he's right, yet he has that right from God. If my wife desired to do that, then no problem with me, yet I am not to judge another man on how he may do this or that. Every man is different and has the right to be different. Do you have scriptures supporting your desire to do what you want to do, apart from your husband's desires? No you do not.  I believe we should give our wives freedom and liberty to use their time wisely~and to use the family's money wisely as well. BUT, that's me, I know some brothers who are much more hands on, than I am. I ONLY step up, when I think I need to, which is very seldom ever. Really, she's spends less than I do.
Wow, from what I've read this is not a trivial thing. She really enjoys doing what she does and her husband should be more supportive. Also, what she does is completely different from how you squeeze your toothpaste.  She does not have to submit to an unloving husband.

This is a dangerous advice you just gave. The husband is the head of the house, he has the right to say no to her volunteering work, and it's certainly not a justification for divorce.
I had a hard time noticing what your reply was.
Let me quote something we may have not seen before.
Quote
ending my marriage of 29 years due to ongoing issues of being controlled by my husband


So the issue here is her husband behaviour, not only his dissaproval about her volunteering work. Her husband is the head of the house, I can't deny that. But an unloving husband is grounds for divorce. No one can deny that.

Unloving because he asked her to quit her volunteering?  That is biblical grounds for divorce? 

Please provide scriptures for your belief.

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Re: Considering Divorce and seeking advice from those who've been there
« Reply #8 on: Sun Mar 13, 2016 - 06:14:01 »
Also, what she does is completely different from how you squeeze your toothpaste.
Not much, but some, because BOTH are so trival that they neither have any virtue not to submit to the authority God has ordained~beginning with Christ under God; down to the wife under her husband; to believers to government authority; to believers under the elders; to children under their parents. Outside of God, there are no perfect authority, yet that within itself does not remove their authority. Some parents are not perfect, or even good roles models, yet they STILL have authority from God to guide and command their children as THEY seem fits using the word of God as their guide, which even if they do not, that does not release their authority.
Quote
1st Corinthians 11:3~"But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God."
As long as the one having authority, does not command from those under them, a commandment which is not against the scriptures, then one must submit. The chain of authority given by God is so important, that once it is rejected and made light of, (which most TV programs do so) or, mocked, then nothing but chaos and rebellion and judgement follows from God....in some cases divorce, which is the easy and seemly justifiable way out of one's authority ordained by God. The next marriage would be no better, and most likely worst, and rightly so.
Quote
She does not have to submit to an unloving husband.
She absolutely does. A loving husband makes it easier, yet a unloving husband, does not free one from his authority. Marriage is a fifty year commitment, that's why it is so important for parents to be involved in WHO their children are desiring to be with. Once married then they must work to make it work. No where does she have a right judge her husband's love to determined IF she is going to submit~she does so, because God made him her head.  What right does any of us have to ever disobey Christ? None whatsoever.  As a husband I'm commanded to love my wife, and I do not have the right to judge her love toward me, to determine if I "really want to invest my love in her, if she's not loving me to the degree that I THINK she does." By nature we all love ourselves more than others, which is really the root cause as to why this woman is having trouble obeying her husband's will to stop doing something that he no longer desires her to do~she's thinking more of herself than obeying her husband. My wife has not always enjoy me saying no, but to her credit, she has always tried to please me, and I likewise to the same back to her. I have learned that when we do that which God commands us, that it truly comes back and serves us for the good in the long run, but at that moment, it may not be easy for the flesh to submit.
« Last Edit: Sun Mar 13, 2016 - 06:24:42 by RB »

Offline Alma1995

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Re: Considering Divorce and seeking advice from those who've been there
« Reply #9 on: Sun Mar 13, 2016 - 11:11:23 »
I see what you all try to state. I'll leave this here

Quote
    Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.”

Colossians 3:19(KJV)

Also, I'll leave the 7 points of a controlling husband from a Biblical point of view.


 This is what a controlling husband looks like from a Biblical worldview:

    He is infuriated that his wife actually has different opinions from him.
    He not only wants her to act a certain way, he wants her to feel a certain way.
    He may or may not yell a lot, but he dominates every conversation in such a way that she cannot get a word in.
    He refuses to let his wife be involved with other women, whether they be friends, or family and insists her whole life be focused on his needs, wants and desires.
    He may or may not be physically abusive.
    He may or may not be verbally abusive.
    He makes his wife like less of a human being, or like a child.
Quote
    “Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.”

I Peter 3:7(KJV)
Quote
    “She openeth her mouth with wisdom”

Proverbs 31:26(KJV

Quote
    “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;”

Ephesians 5:25(KJV)
I'm completely against divorce but we don't know how the thing is in real life. I recommend some counseling. To make things short, only adultery or a physical abusive husband would be grounds for divorce.

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Re: Considering Divorce and seeking advice from those who've been there
« Reply #10 on: Sun Mar 13, 2016 - 13:14:17 »
I am considering ending my marriage of 29 years due to ongoing issues of being controlled by my husband to the point that he recently told me that he will no longer fund my volunteer work when he retires, and I will have to quit.  My volunteer work consists of advocating for children and the only expense I incur is driving to visit them at their homes approximately twice per month, attending hearings with them approximately once every three months, and attending advocacy meetings approximately twice per year, all of these within a 30 mile radius of my home.  This is just an example of the control/disrespect issues I have always dealt with.  I do not see this situation improving as my husband does not feel it is wrong of him to ask me to quit my volunteer work.  We are perfectly comfortable financially.  I am at an age and point in my life where I hear God's calling me to service more and more, and I actually intend to serve in more areas as time goes on.  Not only does it fulfill my desire to serve, it is so much of who I am and gives me great joy.  I do not think I can continue my purpose and feel this overwhelming disapproval, disrespect, and sometimes anger from my husband.  I am tired of getting a nervous stomachache every time I tell him I am leaving to go do my volunteer duties.  It just shouldn't have to be this way.

I've been there and while in some cases it is warranted, it is a last resort and a nuclear option.  And by nuclear, I mean the fallout from the divorce affects a lot of people.

 

     
anything