*Update* - Need peace, so Lonely and confused!

[cristals mama]

It sounds like you have a good handle on the situation and just need the resolve to go through with everything. Mental and emotional abuse is so hard to leave, but sometimes its worse and more bruising than physical abuse.  I wish there were something I could do.

Sometime I think I do and sometimes I just don't know- my strength and resolve fades in and out!  Even though I don't feel that love or closeness for him, I still question myself especially when he behaves so caring and sincere (I guess it is because deep inside my heart I still long so much for that life I always dreamed of - having someone who would love and care for me no matter what and never hurt me, having a safe, peaceful, loving place to call home).  After all the recent insanity that is exactly what he is doing and it mixes me up even worse than I already am and makes me feel like I'm the terrible person, there are those thoughts that immediately start running around my head telling me what if he really does mean it this time and you follow through with your desire to get out and then you will be the bad guy.  I feel so crazy most of the time, I wish he would just show his terrible side all the time so that I wouldn’t have to deal with the rollercoaster garbage anymore.

Friday when he got home from work was awful, very tense and stressful he was upset because he says he is trying to rebuild our marriage but I won't even try and will barely speak to him and I am being selfish....
This morning was no better, I have had a difficult time just having to be around him and have been very quiet most of time (my stress level has been very high) so he start a confrontation about how he is the only one trying and I am being rude and selfish and not even making an attempt and the least I could do is at least be civil. So I said to him how can you expect me to want to attempt anything with you when everything is still only about how you want it and you are trying to keep me prisoner with threats. He said I am not threatening you or keeping you prisoner you can do whatever you want I don’t care I am just trying to keep my daughter. I said well that’s it you say you want to rebuild our marriage but then you don’t care what I do as long as I leave our daughter that means you don’t give a darn about me at all. He said I never said that and its not true so I said if that is the case then why would you even tell me I can’t even go on a vacation with our daughter to NJ to see my mother who is almost 70 years old. So he started getting more agitated and was saying why should I so you could go there and then have he chance you need to not come back and then you will be in NJ with my daughter and there will be nothing I can do about it- I don’t think so I will never let that happen. So all morning and early afternoon after this he went back and forth between being overly loving with our daughter to being mad her (this is how it is most times he is around her for any time longer than an hour or so).
But the later on we went to a mall and he was now trying to be very nice talking about how he just wants me to be happy and to see me smile again… We went in a bear store with our daughter and while she was playing we were speaking and he was talking about how he wants us to be OK again and he wants to make things better and for me to be happy so I said that will never happen unless you stop trying to control me and hold me hostage over our daughter, you need to let go and not refuse to even let us on a vacation…. his reply was OK he would do that and then he informed me that he wanted to buy me something from the store because he loved me so much and wants me to feel special. Then I started doubting my resolve on everything that has happened and thinking maybe he means it and what if he does- now what do I do?  So then I began having an anxiety attack because after thinking and praying about it for over a couple of weeks I had called the state on Thursday about the other fraud I new he committed.  At the time I felt right about (like I was doing what I had to do for my daughter and I) and I felt OK within about it up until last night when we were at the mall and he was acting so nice and bought me the gift, then I began feeling so much turmoil over whether or not I did the right thing.  I started to panic thinking what if I did the wrong thing and he gets into more trouble and it is my fault and if I was wrong will God forgive me and protect him from receiving any consequences due to my actions?  I had been so sure the other day that it was right but now I don’t know!

So I prayed alot since last night and asked God for peace over what I had done and placed it into his hands and I feel better about things right now- this whole thing has been such a roller coaster that it just mixes me all up inside.

Anyway I truly don’t know whether I was right or wrong in what I did because that inner voice is hard to hear over all the clamor most of the time I have clarity today to know that when I did it I felt it was what I needed to do and I didn’t feel confused over it until last night when he was being such a different person. I have placed it into the Lord’s hands, my hope is in Him and I need to believe/trust that it must turn out ok, that in the end it will be according to His will and purpose and that if I made a mistake He will forgive me and make it right - this is my prayer in the name of Jesus.  I cannot say that I will be feeling this calm about this anything come later or tommorrow but such has been my life for the last 5 years!  Mostly I don't know what to do or feel from one moment to the next.

[cristals mama]

My heart is broken, it has been broken and it breaks all over again every morning I awake!  I don't know how to love anymore and I especially don't know if I can or should even try again with him?   He was supposed to me by love forever, the one God meant for me- it was never supposed to hurt.  Now I think I may have done wrong, what do I do, I don't want to hurt him either I just wanted love, peace, life but there is so much pain!

[Seeking]

I lived in a mentally abusive marriage for 13 years.  So please understand, I do not intend for any of this to sound "mean", for I have been in your shoes.  For me, it took a friend to look me square in the eye and say "you can't do this anymore.  I'm taking you to a lawyer".  I had all the same fears and doubts you do - and now I look back and realize the only thing that had been keeping me there, was me. 

Your husband is manipulative, to say the least - you KNOW this in your soul.  See the serpent's tongue for what it is - including words that make you "feel like a terrible person" and believe you can't get out.  Think about it - would something motivated by God make you feel terrible?  NO.  THEREFORE... there's only one place it's coming from - so why would you believe it?  You think your husband has all the power, when in fact he is so weak that he must threaten, control, and abuse you in order to feel "good".  Once you see that he is, in fact, WEAK and not STRONGER THAN YOU, everything else will take on a whole new perspective.  YOU are the strong one for having endured his abuse, but now it is time to remove yourself from this situation.

I believe God HAS answered your prayers - but you must HEAR His answers and accept them.  Your fears and doubts only come from the evil one preying on your mind.  The carriers of the messages here, and probably elsewhere, are all telling you to leave.  God didn't intend for you to live this way.  If you have doubts about taking your daughter out of state - seek legal advice, or talk to the women's shelter.  I'm sure they have people available to talk to and help you get out of there.  Yes, it's scarey. But you CAN face that fear.  Rebuke the deceiver and pull yourself up and walk - you are the only one who can do it for you.

You have not only your own future to care for, but your daughter's - I feel, just as it was mine, it is your duty as a parent to take her out of a harmful situation.  This environment is not just unhealthy, it is bordering on dangerous.  Just as your maternal instincts guide you with your daughter, God as your Father WILL show you the way once you make up your mind to make your lives better.  God will open the doors for you but you HAVE to choose to walk through them.  And YES your husband will cry and try to deceive you with words once again, but remember that his actions betray his words.

You CAN do this.  I understand the abuse has shaken your confidence, but you CAN do this.  Trust in the Lord - once you make this decision, you will be amazed at how you will feel.  Your first steps in "hey.... I CAN do this..." will carry you to the next steps.  The peace you seek is there - it's time for you to TAKE it.  When a doubt enters your mind cast it out and focus ONLY on the future you are about to take hold of.

[cristals mama]

I lived in a mentally abusive marriage for 13 years.  So please understand, I do not intend for any of this to sound "mean", for I have been in your shoes.  For me, it took a friend to look me square in the eye and say "you can't do this anymore.  I'm taking you to a lawyer".  I had all the same fears and doubts you do - and now I look back and realize the only thing that had been keeping me there, was me. 

Your husband is manipulative, to say the least - you KNOW this in your soul.  See the serpent's tongue for what it is - including words that make you "feel like a terrible person" and believe you can't get out.  Think about it - would something motivated by God make you feel terrible?  NO.  THEREFORE... there's only one place it's coming from - so why would you believe it?  You think your husband has all the power, when in fact he is so weak that he must threaten, control, and abuse you in order to feel "good".  Once you see that he is, in fact, WEAK and not STRONGER THAN YOU, everything else will take on a whole new perspective.  YOU are the strong one for having endured his abuse, but now it is time to remove yourself from this situation.

I believe God HAS answered your prayers - but you must HEAR His answers and accept them.  Your fears and doubts only come from the evil one preying on your mind.  The carriers of the messages here, and probably elsewhere, are all telling you to leave.  God didn't intend for you to live this way.  If you have doubts about taking your daughter out of state - seek legal advice, or talk to the women's shelter.  I'm sure they have people available to talk to and help you get out of there.  Yes, it's scarey. But you CAN face that fear.  Rebuke the deceiver and pull yourself up and walk - you are the only one who can do it for you.

You have not only your own future to care for, but your daughter's - I feel, just as it was mine, it is your duty as a parent to take her out of a harmful situation.  This environment is not just unhealthy, it is bordering on dangerous.  Just as your maternal instincts guide you with your daughter, God as your Father WILL show you the way once you make up your mind to make your lives better.  God will open the doors for you but you HAVE to choose to walk through them.  And YES your husband will cry and try to deceive you with words once again, but remember that his actions betray his words.

You CAN do this.  I understand the abuse has shaken your confidence, but you CAN do this.  Trust in the Lord - once you make this decision, you will be amazed at how you will feel.  Your first steps in "hey.... I CAN do this..." will carry you to the next steps.  The peace you seek is there - it's time for you to TAKE it.  When a doubt enters your mind cast it out and focus ONLY on the future you are about to take hold of.

Don't worry you didn't sound mean (believe me I would know)!  The worst part these days is when he tells me he has changed, that it's never going to happen again and then start acting nice like he is doing now-  just a couple hours after his last episode he was telling me how much he loves me and that he will do anything to save our marriage and how I am everything to him etc... and since then he has been getting things for me, talking nice, cooking ...  and the thing is I have heard and seen all these things before so many times (this is how it goes) and yet I still find myself confused about it.  I question my own past experiences and then the battle of doubts start within  me again.  Yet I feel so deeply that even if I did take his word for it at this point and he was changed, I still could never be happy here and love him in that way ever again- he has destroyed so much of me and left so little!

I also even/especially when he is behaving in his nice ways after the storm that I still cannot relax around him because I am always walking on eggshells and thinking in the back of my mind that all it will take is one word or one thing I've done/not done that he doesn't like and that will be it/here we go again!

I wish I had physical scars from him so I could look in the mirror and have proof of all he has done, so I didn't feel like I was just having a terrible nightmare that no one else can see because he behaves so well with other people, especially to me in front of them.  He is constantly telling me how much this person and that person like him.

How many times do I keep taking his promises at face value and giving him chance after chance after chance before I say- even if you may really mean it this time I can't wait to find out anymore?

How I have prayed for God to send someone to me who will see through him and help me, I have heard God and I have been so foolish because I didn't walk through the door when He opened it instead I believed the lies in my head that said I would be the bad person if I didn't believe husbands promises again and stay.  I just pray that God will give me another chance and open that door again!

I don't want to fall for it anymore- and I can see the effects on my daughter, she was once such an easy going obedient girl and for the last year she has been so difficult for me talking back, refusing to do as I ask, throwing fits...  He has taught her to be sarcastic and more and I have worked hard to try to reverse all this and teach her that it is wrong but he is still an influence.  I feel like a fool because by April this year she wanted little to do with him because of both how bad he was with me (she has seen me cry so many times) and also because he was very harsh with her at times as well, and then I go and begin working to repair their relationship so that she gives him more attention now so of course her behavior had improved with me some by April but now she has been being difficult all over again.

I don't have any financial resources because he has taken full control of the money and changed the bank account access so I can't even see what goes in the account- he tries to make sure I have only what is necessary to pay the bills due, so I will probably be going with nothing but I thank you so much for your input and encouragement I need all I can get, I am going to continue doing what I can to prepare and do what I need to. 

[adon04]

I am 22 years old, I've never been married -in fact I've only been in one relationship.  That relationship of 5 years, just ended maybe 3 weeks ago, but let me tell you it has been a blessing.  That's not because I don't love her, or want to be with her.

Long story short, my ex-girlfriend of 5 years ended up being slightly unfaithful and very much dishonest.  Since her 'incidents' I became very abusive verbally, and controlling.  I would call her awful names, and require her to tell me where she was, and who she was with at all times.  My actions seemed 'justified' based on her 'incidents'.  For 2 years, she did everything she could for me. 

She broke up with me, which was absolutely devastating for me.  But now I'm so grateful for it!  I felt invincible.  Like I could treat my girlfriend in anyway, because I knew she was always going to be there for me.  Again, I've never been married, but I'm just guessing that the ring on his finger, makes him feel invincible.  And I agree with the majority in saying that you should probably separate; for a while.

My girlfriend breaking up with me has been a blessing on so many levels.  As many do, I turned to God for desperation, and now though I'm not in desperation, I still turn to God for hope.  Because I still do love my girlfriend very much even though we're not together, but I have learned so much from the separation.  I don't 'expect' us to get back together, but I have hope for a promising future with the lessons I've learned through the obstacles God has put me through!  She told me she still loves me, but the 2 years of verbal abuse I put her through, she hasn't been able to think for herself.

I'm not going to say this is going to be easy, I can't even imagine.. but I think a separation would be a good decision in God's eyes.  It will relieve yourself of the abuse, and get you to start thinking about your needs (I'm not trying to tell you to be selfish, but sometimes you need to take action and take care of yourself!).

But let me say, as a former abuser, that my girlfriend breaking up with me has been one of the worst, yet greatest things that has ever happen to me!  Now I know he pleads, and apologizes, but actions speak louder than words.  I'm not going to pretend I know anything about marriage, or a separation in marriage or the worries of a custody battle.  I'm just thinking a separation may break the 'invincible' stage it seems your husband might be having.  It's true you don't know what you have until it's gone.

I know I'm ignorant, young and immature.  I just had to put in my two cents after reading that.  I'll have you in my prayers!!

[sopranette]

I will pray for you, cristal's mama.

love,

Sopranette

[Petals]

cristals mama, How are you doing now?  Have you sought help from a local church or women's shelter yet?  They will help finance your escape from that abusive situation.   Do not use lack of money as an excuse to stay. 

There are many more options now than when I separated from my abusive (ex) husband many years ago.  When I left, I did it on my own with no job, no money, and no permanent place to live.  It was extremely difficult, but it finally led to a peaceful homelife without the constant emotional and physical abuse.  It was worth it, as my children who were then 7 and 9, turned out amazingly well, and I praise God for it. 

My daughter told me that she understood why I had to leave, and could see how things would have been different had I stayed.  She knew it was the best thing.  You need to do the same for your daughter.  You may not realize the harm that is being done each and every time your husband emotionally abuses you.  She knows what is going on, and does not need to also grow up to be the victim of an abusive boyfriend or husband, subconsciously thinking it's normal.  She and you will both need counseling to get your heads on straight and to find out why you select that type of men.

The more I think about the concern you have about taking your daughter out of state, the more I feel that it should not be a problem.  You have not been to divorce court where custody has been awarded.  You are just a mom taking her daughter to visit her extended family.   

From what you've stated, I would be more afraid of your husband finding you and possibly doing physical harm to you and your daughter if you left.  He sounds like a ticking time bomb, which can go off once he is no longer able to control you or your daughter.  A women's shelter can help hide and offer a safe haven until the worst has blown over. 

One of the biggest mistakes you are making is discussing EVERYTHING you do with your husband.  I know you feel the need to talk to someone, but he is sensing (rightfully so) that you are thinking about leaving.  You need to become the best actress you can by making him think everything is okay.  That is for your own safety and sanity.   If you want to talk to someone, talk with us here, or call a clergy member--anyone who can help relieve the pressure. 

Be strong and I pray you will have the courage to follow through on leaving the situation you are in and getting the help you need.  God will provide what you have need of as you trust in Him.  He will send the right people to help and will make a way of escape for you.  I pray that He makes the way clear and that you don't look back, but forward.   May He surround you with His angels, and protect and guide you as to where to turn.  He knows and cares...

Your leaving may be the wake-up call your husband needs to get help for his abusive nature.   It's obvious that he is not going to change as long as he has you and your daughter there in the same house.

[cristals mama]

I am 22 years old, I've never been married -in fact I've only been in one relationship.  That relationship of 5 years, just ended maybe 3 weeks ago, but let me tell you it has been a blessing.  That's not because I don't love her, or want to be with her.

Long story short, my ex-girlfriend of 5 years ended up being slightly unfaithful and very much dishonest.  Since her 'incidents' I became very abusive verbally, and controlling.  I would call her awful names, and require her to tell me where she was, and who she was with at all times.  My actions seemed 'justified' based on her 'incidents'.  For 2 years, she did everything she could for me. 

She broke up with me, which was absolutely devastating for me.  But now I'm so grateful for it!  I felt invincible.  Like I could treat my girlfriend in anyway, because I knew she was always going to be there for me.  Again, I've never been married, but I'm just guessing that the ring on his finger, makes him feel invincible.  And I agree with the majority in saying that you should probably separate; for a while.

My girlfriend breaking up with me has been a blessing on so many levels.  As many do, I turned to God for desperation, and now though I'm not in desperation, I still turn to God for hope.  Because I still do love my girlfriend very much even though we're not together, but I have learned so much from the separation.  I don't 'expect' us to get back together, but I have hope for a promising future with the lessons I've learned through the obstacles God has put me through!  She told me she still loves me, but the 2 years of verbal abuse I put her through, she hasn't been able to think for herself.

I'm not going to say this is going to be easy, I can't even imagine.. but I think a separation would be a good decision in God's eyes.  It will relieve yourself of the abuse, and get you to start thinking about your needs (I'm not trying to tell you to be selfish, but sometimes you need to take action and take care of yourself!).

But let me say, as a former abuser, that my girlfriend breaking up with me has been one of the worst, yet greatest things that has ever happen to me!  Now I know he pleads, and apologizes, but actions speak louder than words.  I'm not going to pretend I know anything about marriage, or a separation in marriage or the worries of a custody battle.  I'm just thinking a separation may break the 'invincible' stage it seems your husband might be having.  It's true you don't know what you have until it's gone.

I know I'm ignorant, young and immature.  I just had to put in my two cents after reading that.  I'll have you in my prayers!!

adon04,
you are young but definately not ignorant or immature and your two cents means alot to me-  I am so happy just to have others out there to communicate with!  I have spent years calling prayers lines, counceling lines, I have put myself last in everything I can think of, have been faithful, tried to be supportive in every way I can, nothing worked- seemed like the more I tried to love the worse he got.  Now I know he is trying to watch his steps to an extent because of his probation- he doesn't want to give me a reason to call the police but when he is bad he is still bad enough although he doesn't seem to think there is anything wrong with it at the time.  The fact is that it has gone on so long that my heart feels numb towards him and inside when I get past all the pretty words and smiles he tries to give me whenever he thinks I've had enough, I know that I have to go no matter what if only just to be alive again, to grow with God instead of being in a prison inside where I can't relax or breath because if I do he can get in agan and tare what little is left of me apart.

I am trying to focus enough to get my plans to go together (everyplace says to make a safety plan 1st), I don't know if he will be a danger to us (me) when we go but his words and his eyes have certainly revealed that potential before- even his actions, it has been a little while (before jail in April) but he has physically restrained, blocked and intimidated me before and when he wants to he can make the most cold hard eyes I've ever seen that make you gasp for breath.  So I am trying to make a plan, very hard to concentrate and focus- I have been plagued with terrible headaches and fatigue...   but I will keep going with the Lord helping me (if I didn't have Him, there would be no me at all anymore!).

Thank you for your words and prayers!

[cristals mama]

cristals mama, How are you doing now?  Have you sought help from a local church or women's shelter yet?  They will help finance your escape from that abusive situation.   Do not use lack of money as an excuse to stay. 

There are many more options now than when I separated from my abusive (ex) husband many years ago.  When I left, I did it on my own with no job, no money, and no permanent place to live.  It was extremely difficult, but it finally led to a peaceful homelife without the constant emotional and physical abuse.  It was worth it, as my children who were then 7 and 9, turned out amazingly well, and I praise God for it. 

My daughter told me that she understood why I had to leave, and could see how things would have been different had I stayed.  She knew it was the best thing.  You need to do the same for your daughter.  You may not realize the harm that is being done each and every time your husband emotionally abuses you.  She knows what is going on, and does not need to also grow up to be the victim of an abusive boyfriend or husband, subconsciously thinking it's normal.  She and you will both need counseling to get your heads on straight and to find out why you select that type of men.

The more I think about the concern you have about taking your daughter out of state, the more I feel that it should not be a problem.  You have not been to divorce court where custody has been awarded.  You are just a mom taking her daughter to visit her extended family.   

From what you've stated, I would be more afraid of your husband finding you and possibly doing physical harm to you and your daughter if you left.  He sounds like a ticking time bomb, which can go off once he is no longer able to control you or your daughter.  A women's shelter can help hide and offer a safe haven until the worst has blown over. 

One of the biggest mistakes you are making is discussing EVERYTHING you do with your husband.  I know you feel the need to talk to someone, but he is sensing (rightfully so) that you are thinking about leaving.  You need to become the best actress you can by making him think everything is okay.  That is for your own safety and sanity.   If you want to talk to someone, talk with us here, or call a clergy member--anyone who can help relieve the pressure. 

Be strong and I pray you will have the courage to follow through on leaving the situation you are in and getting the help you need.  God will provide what you have need of as you trust in Him.  He will send the right people to help and will make a way of escape for you.  I pray that He makes the way clear and that you don't look back, but forward.   May He surround you with His angels, and protect and guide you as to where to turn.  He knows and cares...

Your leaving may be the wake-up call your husband needs to get help for his abusive nature.   It's obvious that he is not going to change as long as he has you and your daughter there in the same house.

trueblue, hi!

I am getting ready to make my call, I have some preparations to make but I am not worried about money and won't let him use that to stop me, the peace I long for is much more important and I know inside that God will take care of the rest.  My daughter is 4 and I know she doesn't understand- because she is very intelligent, speaks very well and doesn't miss much, so it makes it more difficult to do the things I need to prepare and make phone calls because I don't want her to overhear and repeat anything I say.  I noticed when my husband calls during the day, he all of a sudden wants to speak with her at every call which he doesn't normally do so much and when he speaks with her he asks her in several different ways what we did that day.

It is hard because I want to go over to the legal svcs and the Women in Distress (domestic violoence agency) to speak with someone (I had gone there in February but my husband got suspicious of my activities and made sure I didn't have a car (unless he gave me a list of to do's) for almost 4 mo's after that so I couldn't continue going) but I have to take my daughter whereever I go because I don't have any friends or know anyone that can watch her and I am afraid that she will innocently give away my activities.

I know I need to do this for my daughter as well like you say, I can see the effects in different ways like her behavior which has become much more challenging during this past year, she does alot more tantrums and fit throwing, cries and gets emotional over very small silly things (a tissue that rips or something placed differently than how she expected..), she wakes up sometime in the middle of the night completely irrational just crying and screaming and refusing to let me put her back to bed or leave the room (I usually end up bringing her to bed with me in the end just to try to get her to sleep again). 

When my husband gets angry towards me, she will tell him sometimes "don't yell/ or don't say that to my mommy" or some such and he will tell her something like "I didn't say anything" or "daddy didn't do anything wrong" and he ends up making her confused.  If he gets mad at her because she didn't hug him or kiss him when he wanted or do what he wants her to he will yell at her very loudly and tell her things like "you are a brat, you are a disrespectful kid, you are bad to daddy, you don't treat daddy good etc...  it goes on an on.  Yet before and after he does that he tries to act like dad of the year.  He can get angry at her over any little things and he would expect me to punish her for what he decided she did wrong 'to him' and I won't do that so then he will be mad at me for that too and tell me how selfish I am and how I don't respect him and such.

you wrote: The more I think about the concern you have about taking your daughter out of state, the more I feel that it should not be a problem.  You have not been to divorce court where custody has been awarded.  You are just a mom taking her daughter to visit her extended family. 

That is what I am praying is the case- he told me the other day that if I try to leave him, he will not sign divorce papers no matter what because he said that if he doesn't I won't be allowed to leave the state with her.  I am praying that it is not case but that because there is no divorce that the courts will not be involved at all.

you also wrote:  From what you've stated, I would be more afraid of your husband finding you and possibly doing physical harm to you and your daughter if you left.  He sounds like a ticking time bomb, which can go off once he is no longer able to control you or your daughter.  A women's shelter can help hide and offer a safe haven until the worst has blown over. 

that is one of my biggest fears because I worry what he is capable of, he would always like to boast about how intimidating he can be when he wants and talk about fights he has gotten into and how tough he was and can be, he would say things like this one needs a beating and that one needs to be beat down, and I got in this one or that one's face and they backed down....   I have worried while we are together about him being alone with our daughter and have not let it happen in a very long time, I worry about him get visitation and alone time with her and what he may be like.  Somehow I feel like I may end up in the women's shelter 1st before NJ for safety's sake.

I know I shouldn't have said anything else to him, it was foolish but I guess part of me wanted confirmation for my own resolve of what he would say and the other part was probably guilt.  Ohhh, I used to be in theatre in high school ages ago but I am so not a good actress when it comes to real life- I wear my heart on the outside and I have such a struggle with compromising integrity by pretending.  I know it is probably the best thing, but it comes so difficult for me.

Thank you so much for being there- all of you, I will take all the contact and communication I can get.  I am doing my best to be strong and hold onto all my courage.  I will continue to lean on God for all my needs, I know in my heart through all the commotion that he will never leave me and that he will make the way- I do, it is hard to see clearly most times, but inside I know!

Thank you so much, I cherish your prayers and the love God sends through you

[Petals]

cristals mama, do you live near Orlando?  I'm thinking of organizations down there that may be able to help. 

[cristals mama]

cristals mama, do you live near Orlando?  I'm thinking of organizations down there that may be able to help. 

I live in Broward County just north of the Miami/Dade border,  a little over 3 hours south of Orlando.

[Petals]

I was hoping it was closer to Orlando where I know a possible safe haven.

I'll have to pray that the Lord opens a door to help you soon.  If you call an agency, I'm sure you know to do it from a phone outside your home.  Are there any neighbors you can go to, or any nearby churches where you can place a call to a women's shelter?  Many people are more willing to help than you may think once they know of your circumstances. 

Is there a chance that your husband will be incarcerated again soon?  You said you reported him for fraud or something.  If he is in jail, that would be the perfect time to pack up and leave.   If you head directly to NJ, most likely he'd try and find you and it could turn ugly fast. 

Take one day at a time, and find an interim place of safety where he hasn't a clue you'd be.  Again, that's where a women's shelter can assist you in what to do to protect yourself and your daughter.

[Petals]

Here are some places you may want to check into.  I found them while searching on the internet.  Hope it helps. (You might want to clear the "history" in your internet tools after you look them up or e-mail them, just in case your husband is monitoring your internet activity.)

http://www.miamirescuemission.com/contactnew.htm

http://www.geocities.com/misskittyray/florida.html

http://www.fcadv.org/centers.php

[cristals mama]

Here are some places you may want to check into.  I found them while searching on the internet.  Hope it helps. (You might want to clear the "history" in your internet tools after you look them up or e-mail them, just in case your husband is monitoring your internet activity.)

http://www.miamirescuemission.com/contactnew.htm

http://www.geocities.com/misskittyray/florida.html

http://www.fcadv.org/centers.php

Thank you again Trueblue, the Broward County contact is WID (Women in Distress), I have been to the office before trying to get help and counseling but I was unable to go back after my 2nd time because my husband got suspicious (my daughter was telling him about the playroom she went too, which was the childrens room they have for the women who go there) and he began questioning me more about my activities and calling me more.

Anyway I have the number for they're shelter, I had called it back in April (should have gone then) so  I want to finish making some preparations this week before I call them, I pray that they take me even though he has not been physical in a while and he is trying act nice right now.  I get nervous because my mind tells me sometimes "you can't call unless he is hurting you at that exact moment", I try not to listen but it is hard!

I emailed an attorney and she told me briefly that the permission of the courts are needed for me to legally leave the state with my daughter but that she thinks it would probably go in my favor due to his abuse and all the moving around he has had us doing over the years.

Trying to keep my head up!

[cristals mama]

I was hoping it was closer to Orlando where I know a possible safe haven.

I'll have to pray that the Lord opens a door to help you soon.  If you call an agency, I'm sure you know to do it from a phone outside your home.  Are there any neighbors you can go to, or any nearby churches where you can place a call to a women's shelter?  Many people are more willing to help than you may think once they know of your circumstances. 

Is there a chance that your husband will be incarcerated again soon?  You said you reported him for fraud or something.  If he is in jail, that would be the perfect time to pack up and leave.   If you head directly to NJ, most likely he'd try and find you and it could turn ugly fast. 

Take one day at a time, and find an interim place of safety where he hasn't a clue you'd be.  Again, that's where a women's shelter can assist you in what to do to protect yourself and your daughter.

I don't know any place outside to make a call from, which worries me because he made it clear last week that he was checking my phone records (of course on Saturday evening when he was trying to smooth things over he denied that he even said it).  The only neighbor I know is unreliable and he also speaks to my husband, so I'm not sure who to talk to-  I was trying to gain the confidence of our last landlord, but when he defaulted on the rent there for 4 months he set me up to give her a check he placed in an envelope for $100.00 when we owed much more and then told her it was my fault so he burned that bridge for me.  Then he made us suddenly move to a new place to avoid her filing anything on us.  He asked my opinion and I told him we shouldn't run out on her that he should talk to her and try to make arrangements to take care of the rent, but he told me that was a ridiculous idea and that we had to move right away so I had no choice.

I have a fear of people inside me for the past few years that has been very hard to conquer, so most times I am afraid or uncomfortable to speak with people I see unless it is a few words at the grocery store or something.  I struggle with anxiety.

I don't know what is happening or will happen with the unemp. fraud, I did report him but I did it anonymously so I have no way to find out what is going on with it or how long it takes for anything to happen.  I am sorry to say that you are right, if he does get incarcerated it would help me and my daughter to leave easier which is why I reported him; I believed it was what I needed to do for us.  If we did go to NJ and he tried to go after us there, he would be in violation of his parole and the consequence would be jail time- I am more afraid that if we leave and go there that he will try and use the system against me to claim I took her there illegally and then try to get her from me.

I am going to take it a day at time like you said and make some plans and preparations and pray that we will soon be out and that the Lord will keep him from interfering and causing us any trouble!