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Author Topic: Abuse in Marriage... Anger issues...  (Read 4527 times)

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Offline debbiejo

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Re: Abuse in Marriage... Anger issues...
« Reply #15 on: March 09, 2010, 08:14:28 PM »
As married people sometimes we have to take on a parent sort of approach with our spouse. In your case I think that would be action and consequence and boundaries. The boundary is the statement "this has to stop or we will get separated". Action the behavior continues and consequence as much as it hurts you too, is the separation. You have to show that you are steadfast in what you will and will not tolerate in your relationship. If a separation is too much of a step for you take a smaller one such as you and the children leave the house when it happens and stay with a friend or family member, let him know that you love him but its his actions that can not and will not be tolerated, tell him where you are going and encourage him to call if he would like to talk. In a past experience with my husband the day I left the house (it ended up being a hour) he realized wow she isn't going to take it and that specific action changed.

Be what you say, its in love so the Lord is on your side. In no way does God or the Bible condone abuse and we are not to live in fear our our spouse; we ARE to love each other as we love the Lord in our marriages. Be a steward of your words don't commit to something you can't do and again act with love and grace. God will find a way to your husband's hear, more so if you are doing your part.

Have faith of course in God but in your own strength as a wife and mother. And love your husband just not some of his actions.

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Re: Abuse in Marriage... Anger issues...
« Reply #15 on: March 09, 2010, 08:14:28 PM »

Offline snowlilly

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Re: Abuse in Marriage... Anger issues...
« Reply #16 on: March 11, 2010, 09:36:15 AM »
Thanks to everyone with all ofl your advice.. I have to say.. it has been really hard recently because we argue at least once a day without any physical abuse right now.. because that part only happens about once every 3 months... but there are things that he does that are manipulative or just weird... and I am standing up now.. which totally makes him upset because I am saying what I think he shouldn't be doing.. that is why our marriage is so strained now.. I think I had an emotional traumatic event happen in my mind a year and a half ago when he punched me in the arm really hard in front of my little girl.. that was the hardest punch he had ever done and it was done for no reason.. because he thought I was "disrespecting" him.. that is when it seems he hits me.. when he thinks I am disrespecting him.. and the thing is.. it is imagined on his part.. I am never like that.. I am seriously a sweet, respectful wife... and I know I am not perfect.. I am a sinner like everyone.. but something happened to me that day.. that has made me stand firm.. and now.. I am really firm after our last incident three weeks ago!  I told him last night after he did some childish thing that he was being rude and disrespectful to me and I didnt' appreciate it.. and he didn't like that I stood up for myself.... plus, he does know I am not going to take any physical abuse anymore.. although he keeps saying.. GOD would not want you to destroy our marriage because of his sin.. i am suppose to stay with him and tough it out and help him get better... he keeps throwing God in their on his side.. but I just don't think God likes what he has done... I keep telling him I have to heal.. and then he says "When will that be?"  It has been three weeks he said..
Seriously, how can I heal when there is constant argueing everyday on something he does!
I am stressed and can't even bring this to God sometimes.. I am having a hard time in my prayer life and everything because of this stuff.

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Re: Abuse in Marriage... Anger issues...
« Reply #16 on: March 11, 2010, 09:36:15 AM »

Offline HannahT

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Re: Abuse in Marriage... Anger issues...
« Reply #17 on: March 11, 2010, 05:23:26 PM »
Quote
I told him last night after he did some childish thing that he was being rude and disrespectful to me and I didnt' appreciate it.. and he didn't like that I stood up for myself.... plus, he does know I am not going to take any physical abuse anymore.. although he keeps saying.. GOD would not want you to destroy our marriage because of his sin.. i am suppose to stay with him and tough it out and help him get better... he keeps throwing God in their on his side.. but I just don't think God likes what he has done... I keep telling him I have to heal.. and then he says "When will that be?"  It has been three weeks he said..
Seriously, how can I heal when there is constant argueing everyday on something he does!
I am stressed and can't even bring this to God sometimes.. I am having a hard time in my prayer life and everything because of this stuff.

Lilly I haven't seen one item he has decided to work on besides basically telling you to get over it, and how God is on his side in this.

When the behavior stops is when you 'get over it' and start to heal, and you can't do that with manipulative comments from him.  He is basically asking for his cake and eating it to.

The man needs serious help, and you are attempting to place boundaries down with him.  Placing boundaries down with a person that seems to feel they are entitled is like hugging a fan.  You will get cut in return. 

If he is refusing to get help for himself, or if he does and just plays a game with it.  In other words - he goes and shows no fruit?  You need to start making plans for moving your daycare elsewhere along with your children.  Sadly at times it takes that drastic of a step to WAKE people up!  I would do this on the side without to much knowledge to him (as much as you can anyway), because he seems like the type that would sabotage your plans no matter what they would be. 

Hitting every couple of months isn't acceptable.  His deciding that everytime you stand up for what you feel is right is disrespectful to him?  He has you in between a rock and hard place - just where he likes things I guess.  I don't anyone truly understands people that think like this.  I how could you?!

You need to call your local domestic violence shelter.  You need to step up because he is NOT being rational towards this issue in the least.  He has unrepentant sin, and he is choosing not to turn from it (bible).  God is on his side in one way - that would be for him to be the man that he is called to be.  To live a Godly life, and be a good spouse and father.  You own your junk, and don't tell people to get over it already.  Children try to do this, and if you think about adults SHOULD know better!

He is pushing and pushing and he isn't making things better.  He keeps the pressure on so maybe you will break and finally hush.  That helps no one.  He lays a hand on your again - call the police and press charges.  Talk to a lawyer in your state about a legal separation, because he can't just live you high and dry.  Those could be his consequences for being stubborn and evil towards his family.

Your husband needs a type of help that you can't give him.  He is in denial at this point it sounds like, because he doesn't seem to see a problem.  That could turn dangerous real fast.  Make a safety plan in the meanwhile, and keep in mind your safety and that of the children is God's upmost priority when it comes to violence.  People that decide they will stop using their hands turn to emotional and verbal abuse instead.  They feel the police can't get involved then, and they can still torture in different ways.

You can't help him at all, or a truly peaceful prayer life without the friction being worked on.  Its very hard to do when you live in a war zone.  You need to do what is best for you and the children, and basically place the ball in his court.  Stating this isn't what God wants, etc is all fine and well - his heart issue isn't either and he needs to own that.  The ball is in his court, and you need to find the strength to allow him to figure out what to do with it. 

My prayers are with you all.

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Re: Abuse in Marriage... Anger issues...
« Reply #17 on: March 11, 2010, 05:23:26 PM »

Offline Ben

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Re: Abuse in Marriage... Anger issues...
« Reply #18 on: March 13, 2010, 07:10:27 AM »
I am an adult child of a father who I saw one time physically abuse my mother by slapping, punching and hitting her.  This was after my mother threatened to leave my father because of his constant screaming, cursing and yelling at her.  He nearly put her in the hospital.  After that she withdrew into a shell from which she never returned. 

Watching that abuse only one time and then hearing the verbal abuse constantly when I was a young boy horribly damaged me.  When I grew up I found I was a sex addict, I had a violent temper (but I never struck my wife) I would curse like a drunken sailor, and the list of sinful activities goes on and on.  Then I received Christ and guess what.  I still was a sex addict, still had a violent temper and would still curse like a drunken sailor.  Sure some "little" sins fell away when I received Christ but it took a second work of grace for God to heal the damage to my emotions caused by that abuse I saw as a child.  Knowing what I know now I would NEVER allow my children to experience this abuse.  It is illegal, sinful and just plain wrong.  I would pack up and move ASAP.  Save yourself and you children.  Once he sees you are serious, he may seek help, and if he is serious about getting help and gives God permission to step into this mess and heal it, God will.

Ben

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Re: Abuse in Marriage... Anger issues...
« Reply #18 on: March 13, 2010, 07:10:27 AM »

Offline comfy

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Re: Abuse in Marriage... Anger issues...
« Reply #19 on: March 13, 2010, 12:11:28 PM »
"nor as being lords over those entrusted to you,
but being examples to the flock."
                                          (1 Peter 5:3)

So, a Christian leader leads by example, not by bossing or abusing or dominating or charming. And we men are expected to follow their example, by doing things this way with our families. Good example includes,

"Do all things without complaining and disputing,"
                                        (Philippians 2:14)

"Disputing" would mean *arguing*, I understand. So, God does expect us to relate without arguing. Arguing is a way of trying to control, of lording it over someone, I understand. So, arguing is lording it over, and it is not God's example of how to love. Our pastor has said during his preaching, that if he gets into an argument with his wife, he then apologizes to her and to his children, and usually it turns out she was right. I'd say example includes telling the children when we have done something wrong, so they can learn from how we have been wrong and learn from our honesty. But then they need to see us do better, so they are not just getting a "Do as I say, not as I do" thing.

"Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much." (James 5:16)

I would consider that a man who is a great person in God's sight is a man who does these things. He leads by example, as the "head" (Ephesians 5:22-33), carefully and prayerfully teaching his children how to love in marriage, demonstrating with his and his wife's example. So, I should not lie to God by saying someone is great if he isn't. And if I am honest with God, I can get His guidance how to pray and what to do.

One thing I am considering is God has provided His qualified pastors who meet the standards of 1 Timothy 3:1-10. These men have learned with their wives how to make their marriages work and how to bring up their kids. So, now they are trusted by God to lead us. If God Himself trusts these men, I can see why He also commands us, "Obey those who rule over you, and be submissive, for they watch out for your souls, as those who must give account. Let them do so with joy and not with grief, for that would be unprofitable for you." (Hebrews 13:17) It is our responsibility to make sure with God who His approved people are, who God Himself trusts to lead us.

Of course, you can't gain from this person and his wife's *example*, unless you spend time with him and his family so you can learn how they love and relate. So, this is not just what a counselor in an office can tell you, but in real life we get to know our examples ::smile:: And someone mature like this can show you what's right, and how to handle what is wrong. If emotionally your attention is starting to go to other men, your attention needs instead to go to mature Christian couples and a mature pastoring couple who can help you and with whom you can gain real love and emotional stability with God's own sense of His love, for what to do. "And this I pray, that your love may abound still more and more in knowledge and all discernment." (Philippians 1:9)

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Re: Abuse in Marriage... Anger issues...
« Reply #19 on: March 13, 2010, 12:11:28 PM »



Offline snowlilly

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Re: Abuse in Marriage... Anger issues...
« Reply #20 on: March 13, 2010, 12:33:15 PM »
Well...  my husband has been off this whole week until today.. so.. I feel very confident in the way I have approached how I feel now.. I think he really knows that I can't show him the love he needs because I am trying to heal.. although he says he is having a hard time because he deserves someone to show love towards him, even if I am healing.. he feels unloved right now.. but, seriously I still come up give hugs, hold his hand.. I told him I am trying my best... He doesn't understand how one arguement a day would effect our relationship when everything else is great.. which it is.. he cooks, helps clean, rough houses with the kids.. like a normal person would.. but then when these arguements happen.. it is unnerving to me.. With Ben's info.. if you read this again.. was your dad a nice guy in general and just argue with your mom sometimes/daily? 
Plus, my husband knows he shouldn't be acting like this... he says he is just a picky person and likes things to go his way alot.. and knows it is wrong.. but that he just needs more time in life to fix it and needs me to be the loving, Christian wife that i am to stick by him and help him thru this.. I hope I am not being redundent to my last messages.. but he also says I am not as spiritual as I used to be.. and I do realize I am not.. because of this mess.. I know I need to rely on God and it is hard for me.. but then I think God knows.. I constantly think of God and love Him dearly.. and I feel bad i can't be as close to Him..
I think I am finally going to either get thru this with my husband and have a good outcome..or it will be the end soon... when he punches me again.. but he says that he really won't do that again because he feels God will help him.. so we will see.. but I am def. stronger and just need Gods help at this point.

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Re: Abuse in Marriage... Anger issues...
« Reply #20 on: March 13, 2010, 12:33:15 PM »

Offline Ben

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Re: Abuse in Marriage... Anger issues...
« Reply #21 on: March 13, 2010, 02:01:38 PM »
Snowlilly asked, "was your dad a nice guy in general and just argue with your mom sometimes/daily?"

He was a demanding perfectionist and his solution to every problem was violence.  He was a bigot and hated anyone who was not a WASP.... and yet I loved him.  He was a member of an old line denomination that abandoned God years ago and they have yet to miss Him, I call them Churchianity churches.  Was he nice?  I guess so, especially when everything went his way, but when it didn't watch out.

Ben