Author Topic: Abuse in Marriage... Anger issues...  (Read 5056 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline snowlilly

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 6
  • Manna: 0
    • View Profile
Abuse in Marriage... Anger issues...
« on: Tue Feb 23, 2010 - 13:40:58 »
Here I am with high anxiety... my spouse of 11 years has gotten better over the past year on some things.. like cleaning the home more, helping out alot more, etc... but I have averaged out that about every 3-5 months I get pushed, shoved, kicked or punched in the arm... plus experience emotional abuse too.  Although my husband doesn't hurt me.. when he kicks or whatever.. I feel very affected by this.  I started standing my ground a year ago and now we get into more arguments about how I have changed, etc. etc...  My husband is otherwise a great guy until something just bothers him or I do something that would shake him up and he snaps.. and gets all controlling like this.  I told him if he does it again.. we will seperate.. he will NOT go to counselling..  He thinks I am bluffing about the seperating thing and says that I should love him unconditionally even if he sins.  He knows he shouldn't do it.. but it seems to continue.  Should I just live with this and deal with this sin of his when it happens?  We have three kids who see this.. and I at this point have very high anxiety around him.. but want to act like everything is ok because I feel trapped.  Can anyone give me any advice?  Is this something I just put up with because he can't help this "sin" .. I just want to escape out of my life and run off.. but I can't because of the kids... plus I just don't love him anymore.. but he doesn't know this. 

Christian Forums and Message Board

Abuse in Marriage... Anger issues...
« on: Tue Feb 23, 2010 - 13:40:58 »

Offline ForgivenDaughter

  • Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 211
  • Manna: 18
  • Gender: Female
    • View Profile
Re: Abuse in Marriage... Anger issues...
« Reply #1 on: Tue Feb 23, 2010 - 16:04:00 »
Follow through and separate, until he can learn how to control (better yet abolish) this behavior.

This is sin and he can help it - if he needs assistance to help it then it is his responsbility to get it, but God never intended for you to be emotionally and physically abused by your husband.  That is not a thing for the children to witness either.

It is your responsiblity to submit - but not to sin and abuse is sin.  He is called to love you as Christ loved the church - you do not see Christ kicking and hitting the church - this is not love and this is not acceptable behavior.

The separation should be done with as little 'emotion' as possible.  ie: I said if this behavior did not stop I would separate from you until you can control it.  I will be staying at x location until we can resolve this.  The children are coming with me.  I will call you later.

You are responding to the behavior, not to your husband - keeping them separate will help you during this time.

I will be praying for you.

Offline Norton

  • Senior Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 1085
  • Manna: 31
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
Re: Abuse in Marriage... Anger issues...
« Reply #2 on: Tue Feb 23, 2010 - 17:47:03 »
He can help it. If you were a 300 lb weight lifter he would never push, shove, kick, or punch you. In fact he would rarely lose his temper around you. Punish him with your absence until he chooses to keep his temper in check.

Christian Forums and Message Board

Re: Abuse in Marriage... Anger issues...
« Reply #2 on: Tue Feb 23, 2010 - 17:47:03 »

Offline janine

  • Guardian-Patroller of Lee's Outer Darkness
  • Global Moderator
  • *****
  • Posts: 14000
  • Manna: 370
  • Gender: Female
  • Good Stuff
    • View Profile
Re: Abuse in Marriage... Anger issues...
« Reply #3 on: Tue Feb 23, 2010 - 18:56:29 »
Does he do that abusive behavior to his mother? His father? His boss? How about to strangers on the street?

If he did he'd go to jail for assault.  He ought to go to jail for assault on you, too.

It does not matter if he doesn't leave big old wounds on you when he punches and kicks you.  If he has enough self-control to not cut you and bruise you and to leave no marks, then he has enough self-control not to do it at all.

Jesus said to turn the other cheek, to go the extra mile -- and He demonstrated the ultimate example of that by dying on that Cross.  But He did it to accomplish something. 

He bought us back from sin and death with that patient painful sacrifice of his.  You are buying nothing when you put up with assault.  You are only paying an unnecessary price, and reinforcing hubby's stupid behavior, and teaching your children that mothers and women in general are sub-human and of less value than a dog, since it's apparently OK to hit you and kick you and yell at you.  You do realize, of course, that if someone reported your husband for kicking your dog he could be arrested?

And if someone ever accidentally overhears his abuse, or if someone ever accidentally sees him kicking at you -- or if one of the kids gets a lesson in school about what to do when there's an emergency -- You know all it will take is one anonymous call to Social Services, and they'll be in there like lightning to take your kids away?

You have all sorts of good things you can accomplish by being patient and turning the other cheek, by being the dutiful calm wife and winning hubby to better behavior.  The thing for you to consider is which of these things you ought to do, as a good steward of God's blessings and the steward of your children's lives, to accomplish whatever is your part of what is best for your husband.

Only you can decide these things -- and certainly no one is telling you to jump up and get a divorce! -- but, frankly, it will be your dignified determination to insist that you be treated with respect, that will push change.  And that might mean leaving.

Christian Forums and Message Board

Re: Abuse in Marriage... Anger issues...
« Reply #3 on: Tue Feb 23, 2010 - 18:56:29 »

Offline snowlilly

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 6
  • Manna: 0
    • View Profile
Re: Abuse in Marriage... Anger issues...
« Reply #4 on: Tue Feb 23, 2010 - 19:08:05 »
thanks for all of the comments.. it is really hard because my husband is still a good person and always tells me and shows me he loves me otherwise.. but it is that bad part of him that comes out and alot of times I feel like I might have to walk on eggshells.  I believe next time when he pushes/shoves/punches me.. I will have to go to my moms home.. although.. I am a stay at home mom and I take care of daycare kids at my home.. so I have to figure out what to do about that... I told my husband how he creates anxiety in me because of this problem.. he just doesn't understand.. he thinks I shouldn't dwell on it.. and get over it.. that if I did file for divorce that would be the worst thing for the kids!

Christian Forums and Message Board

Re: Abuse in Marriage... Anger issues...
« Reply #4 on: Tue Feb 23, 2010 - 19:08:05 »



Offline janine

  • Guardian-Patroller of Lee's Outer Darkness
  • Global Moderator
  • *****
  • Posts: 14000
  • Manna: 370
  • Gender: Female
  • Good Stuff
    • View Profile
Re: Abuse in Marriage... Anger issues...
« Reply #5 on: Tue Feb 23, 2010 - 19:25:55 »
Let me get this straight... and please understand, I am not advocating divorce, it's never God's first best will for anyone...

But let me understand... He's saying it's a better thing if you continue to put up with his stupid tantrummy behaviors, and physical assault, and all the garbage the kids learn from that, than it would be to take the kids and struggle without him, but at least to have peace in a home where God can at last come first?

Girl, his values are skewed.

If he won't go to counseling, at least you should go.
« Last Edit: Tue Feb 23, 2010 - 19:32:01 by janine »

Christian Forums and Message Board

Re: Abuse in Marriage... Anger issues...
« Reply #5 on: Tue Feb 23, 2010 - 19:25:55 »

Offline snowlilly

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 6
  • Manna: 0
    • View Profile
Re: Abuse in Marriage... Anger issues...
« Reply #6 on: Tue Feb 23, 2010 - 19:46:11 »
Yes, he thinks just because he is bad some times, it shouldn't erase all of the good.. although, my older child has seen us argueing a lot this year since I stand up for myself more.. and they have seen him push or punch me... which is very saddening.. I can't believe I would marry someone like this.. I am so peaceful.. it is really strange!  He doesn't want me to go to counselling because it threatens our marriage.. he thinks they will persuade me to get a divorce.. he thinks we don't need counselling because we talk everything out anyways.. and just because he has this "sinful" behavior - it shouldn't mean the end of our marriage... I have to tell you I am pushed away from him.. I am craving the attention of other guys... I know it is wrong.. and I feel like I just want to escape... but I have three kids.  I mean, seriously.. if I didn't have three lovely children, I would be out of here.  I know he is overboard when he gets into his arguements.  Right now.. I am going to try and push past my anxiety and give it one more chance... then when he does do something.. I need to have a plan and stick with it!  I just get sad to think of sharing the kids with him/ I wouldnt' see them some days.. and breaking their hearts that mommy and daddy would get divorced.. although.. I know what you mean about the damage of them seeing us argue or him push/punch me or whatever.. one time he ran around the couch and got me with a flyswatter!  That was humilitating.. and he made me apologize for my behavior first last time before he apologized for him punching me! 

Offline marie69

  • Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 72
  • Manna: 6
    • View Profile
Re: Abuse in Marriage... Anger issues...
« Reply #7 on: Tue Feb 23, 2010 - 20:44:30 »
It took all the strength I had at the time to leave my abusive situation. I struggled for several years with the spiritual side of things. I read every Bible passage that dealt with divorce over and over again. I kept thinking that I had to deal with my situation because that was my cross to bear on this earth for making the decision to marry him.

One day it hit me. God is my Father. I am His child. He feels the same way about me as I feel about my children. I aked myself how I would feel if one of them was in my situation. That is how God felt about me being in that situation. A parent's instinct is to protect with unconditional love. God is our parent.

Don't get me wrong, I do not condone divorce. I do believe that God knows your misery, though, and He is in misery with you for the condition your heart is in. I have since met a man that I know God sent to me. My heart is at peace for the first time in a long time. My children are more at peace than ever. There is no more chaos in our lives. My life before was a daily struggle to keep my sanity. The peacefulness I have in my heart now could only be a feeling from God.

Pray daily. Pray with your kids daily. Pray for God to open your heart so you can hear when He speaks to you. I will keep you in my prayers, too.

Offline janine

  • Guardian-Patroller of Lee's Outer Darkness
  • Global Moderator
  • *****
  • Posts: 14000
  • Manna: 370
  • Gender: Female
  • Good Stuff
    • View Profile
Re: Abuse in Marriage... Anger issues...
« Reply #8 on: Tue Feb 23, 2010 - 21:04:11 »
Counseling from a good, reputable, Christ-accepting counselor will not endanger your marriage. 

Christian Forums and Message Board

Re: Abuse in Marriage... Anger issues...
« Reply #8 on: Tue Feb 23, 2010 - 21:04:11 »

Offline snowlilly

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 6
  • Manna: 0
    • View Profile
Re: Abuse in Marriage... Anger issues...
« Reply #9 on: Tue Feb 23, 2010 - 21:19:05 »
Marie- I totally know how I could feel if my husband would be more peaceful.. I mean, I realize now how I have been the "peacekeeper" in our relationship by trying to not rock the boat for ten years.. then for the past year and a half..I have been rocking the boat because some of the stuff he does I will stand up too.. plus, he is the type who wants me to be around him alot.. like he doesn't understand when I want to go out by myself.. he thinks I should be happy with him and the kids all the time at home.. I need my breaks in life, u know?    He is very needy, and also very insecure.. I have felt for the last year and a half that I don't love him.. and I don't even know how to pray about things anymore.. I feel backsliden and just can't even pray for myself or my family... it is terrible!  I never though praying would be so hard now... and then I just am always on edge on never knowing what will set him off or if something happens with my kids, if he spouts off to them or something.  From the outside, people think we are the perfect family... they would be shocked to know he has that in him.. and.. although he is really a good guy.. the bad parts really hurt me and affect my mind..
Janine- he doesn't realize that counselling is good at all.. he knows a counselor can't change him.. and he says he has to do it on his own..

Offline lightshineon

  • Legendary Member
  • ******
  • Posts: 5182
  • Manna: 125
  • Gender: Female
    • View Profile
Re: Abuse in Marriage... Anger issues...
« Reply #10 on: Tue Feb 23, 2010 - 21:29:28 »
 Please get help, your life could, and most likely in danger.

Offline Sherman Nobles

  • Hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 3294
  • Manna: 272
  • Gender: Male
  • "For God so loved...."
    • View Profile
Re: Abuse in Marriage... Anger issues...
« Reply #11 on: Wed Feb 24, 2010 - 10:11:14 »
I encourage you to read either "Boundaries" or "Boundaries in Marriage" by Cloud and Townsend.  You can pick up the book, DVD, or cassette series at http://store.cloudtownsendstore.com/type-audio-resources.html.  Having healthy personal boundaries is essential to having healthy relationships.   

Offline ForgivenDaughter

  • Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 211
  • Manna: 18
  • Gender: Female
    • View Profile
Re: Abuse in Marriage... Anger issues...
« Reply #12 on: Wed Feb 24, 2010 - 11:34:49 »
snowlily~

We cannot condone our sinful behavior by calling it sinful and continue to do it - when we realize that we are in sin we need to go about taking the steps necessary to let go of that sin and seek forgiveness. 

I am very sorry to say that your husband is not only physically abusive, but emotionally as well.  My first husband never laid a finger on me, but his emotional and verbal abuse were extremely destructive.  In order to leave him I had to go to a safe house, and unfortunately we did end in divorce.

You do not have to end there.  Leaving will force him to look at his behavior.  If a counselor isn't the option, then maybe a meeting with your pastor or a marraige seminar will be less threatening to him.  Tell him that you want to seek help, that you feel that you need guidance in how to move forward - Pastors and marriage conferences do not encourage divorce like some of the secular counselors might.  If he refuses to go see the pastor, go by yourself.  Seeing someone on your own would do you some good too - help you get your focus back where it should be.

As for your childcare business - I would suggest either 1) if your parents live close by and are ok with helping ask if you can move that business as well, or 2) give the parents notice that you need to take some time for family concerns and could they please make other arrangements for a month. 

You need to take action - whether it's following through with the threat to leave him or it's demanding that you seek assistance in some manner - otherwise the behavior will continue and your children will learn that it is ok.

You are in for a battle snowlily, and with God's help, you can get through this.

Praying for you....

Offline chrissy

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 1
  • Manna: 0
    • View Profile
Re: Abuse in Marriage... Anger issues...
« Reply #13 on: Mon Mar 01, 2010 - 23:10:41 »
Hi I have just joined, not yet posted on here about my marriage issues because yours caught my eye. From your post and what others have adviced you I have to say that no one can do anything to you unless you let them. I learned that the hard way thru my abusive marriage earlier in my life. It took me 16 yrs. to finally end it but my children were greatly affected by what they saw. Children are like cement. Everything drops on them and they have no choice but to deal with what they are surrounded by as they are growing up. God loves you and he loves your husband and children. If God brings you to it he will bring you thru it and I beleive that that doesn't necessarily mean that he intends for you and you children to continue living like this. Sometimes we women have to make tough choices and sometimes do what we don't really want to do to get to where God wants us to be. God never intended for abuse in any form between man and woman. My heart goes out to you and your family. I know what it's like to walk on egg shells, the whole nine yards and then some. Pray for strength for God to talk to you and for you to listen to him. You are his child and he loves you and cares about what you are going thru.

God bless.

Offline dp777

  • Junior Member
  • **
  • Posts: 14
  • Manna: 1
    • View Profile
Re: Abuse in Marriage... Anger issues...
« Reply #14 on: Tue Mar 02, 2010 - 12:25:45 »
I kinda skimmed through much of what was said.

---"My husband is otherwise a great guy until something just bothers him or I do something that would shake him up and he snaps"---

Let me say, any man who punches or physically assaults his wife (or any woman) is NOT "a great guy", period.  He probably grew up in a house were this was acceptable, and now it's manifest in his marriage.  This is wicked behavior, and it's impossible for a "great guy" to treat any female this way ... impossible.

Offline debbiejo

  • Junior Member
  • **
  • Posts: 12
  • Manna: 2
    • View Profile
Re: Abuse in Marriage... Anger issues...
« Reply #15 on: Tue Mar 09, 2010 - 21:14:28 »
As married people sometimes we have to take on a parent sort of approach with our spouse. In your case I think that would be action and consequence and boundaries. The boundary is the statement "this has to stop or we will get separated". Action the behavior continues and consequence as much as it hurts you too, is the separation. You have to show that you are steadfast in what you will and will not tolerate in your relationship. If a separation is too much of a step for you take a smaller one such as you and the children leave the house when it happens and stay with a friend or family member, let him know that you love him but its his actions that can not and will not be tolerated, tell him where you are going and encourage him to call if he would like to talk. In a past experience with my husband the day I left the house (it ended up being a hour) he realized wow she isn't going to take it and that specific action changed.

Be what you say, its in love so the Lord is on your side. In no way does God or the Bible condone abuse and we are not to live in fear our our spouse; we ARE to love each other as we love the Lord in our marriages. Be a steward of your words don't commit to something you can't do and again act with love and grace. God will find a way to your husband's hear, more so if you are doing your part.

Have faith of course in God but in your own strength as a wife and mother. And love your husband just not some of his actions.

Offline snowlilly

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 6
  • Manna: 0
    • View Profile
Re: Abuse in Marriage... Anger issues...
« Reply #16 on: Thu Mar 11, 2010 - 10:36:15 »
Thanks to everyone with all ofl your advice.. I have to say.. it has been really hard recently because we argue at least once a day without any physical abuse right now.. because that part only happens about once every 3 months... but there are things that he does that are manipulative or just weird... and I am standing up now.. which totally makes him upset because I am saying what I think he shouldn't be doing.. that is why our marriage is so strained now.. I think I had an emotional traumatic event happen in my mind a year and a half ago when he punched me in the arm really hard in front of my little girl.. that was the hardest punch he had ever done and it was done for no reason.. because he thought I was "disrespecting" him.. that is when it seems he hits me.. when he thinks I am disrespecting him.. and the thing is.. it is imagined on his part.. I am never like that.. I am seriously a sweet, respectful wife... and I know I am not perfect.. I am a sinner like everyone.. but something happened to me that day.. that has made me stand firm.. and now.. I am really firm after our last incident three weeks ago!  I told him last night after he did some childish thing that he was being rude and disrespectful to me and I didnt' appreciate it.. and he didn't like that I stood up for myself.... plus, he does know I am not going to take any physical abuse anymore.. although he keeps saying.. GOD would not want you to destroy our marriage because of his sin.. i am suppose to stay with him and tough it out and help him get better... he keeps throwing God in their on his side.. but I just don't think God likes what he has done... I keep telling him I have to heal.. and then he says "When will that be?"  It has been three weeks he said..
Seriously, how can I heal when there is constant argueing everyday on something he does!
I am stressed and can't even bring this to God sometimes.. I am having a hard time in my prayer life and everything because of this stuff.

Offline HannahT

  • Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 243
  • Manna: 22
    • View Profile
Re: Abuse in Marriage... Anger issues...
« Reply #17 on: Thu Mar 11, 2010 - 18:23:26 »
Quote
I told him last night after he did some childish thing that he was being rude and disrespectful to me and I didnt' appreciate it.. and he didn't like that I stood up for myself.... plus, he does know I am not going to take any physical abuse anymore.. although he keeps saying.. GOD would not want you to destroy our marriage because of his sin.. i am suppose to stay with him and tough it out and help him get better... he keeps throwing God in their on his side.. but I just don't think God likes what he has done... I keep telling him I have to heal.. and then he says "When will that be?"  It has been three weeks he said..
Seriously, how can I heal when there is constant argueing everyday on something he does!
I am stressed and can't even bring this to God sometimes.. I am having a hard time in my prayer life and everything because of this stuff.

Lilly I haven't seen one item he has decided to work on besides basically telling you to get over it, and how God is on his side in this.

When the behavior stops is when you 'get over it' and start to heal, and you can't do that with manipulative comments from him.  He is basically asking for his cake and eating it to.

The man needs serious help, and you are attempting to place boundaries down with him.  Placing boundaries down with a person that seems to feel they are entitled is like hugging a fan.  You will get cut in return. 

If he is refusing to get help for himself, or if he does and just plays a game with it.  In other words - he goes and shows no fruit?  You need to start making plans for moving your daycare elsewhere along with your children.  Sadly at times it takes that drastic of a step to WAKE people up!  I would do this on the side without to much knowledge to him (as much as you can anyway), because he seems like the type that would sabotage your plans no matter what they would be. 

Hitting every couple of months isn't acceptable.  His deciding that everytime you stand up for what you feel is right is disrespectful to him?  He has you in between a rock and hard place - just where he likes things I guess.  I don't anyone truly understands people that think like this.  I how could you?!

You need to call your local domestic violence shelter.  You need to step up because he is NOT being rational towards this issue in the least.  He has unrepentant sin, and he is choosing not to turn from it (bible).  God is on his side in one way - that would be for him to be the man that he is called to be.  To live a Godly life, and be a good spouse and father.  You own your junk, and don't tell people to get over it already.  Children try to do this, and if you think about adults SHOULD know better!

He is pushing and pushing and he isn't making things better.  He keeps the pressure on so maybe you will break and finally hush.  That helps no one.  He lays a hand on your again - call the police and press charges.  Talk to a lawyer in your state about a legal separation, because he can't just live you high and dry.  Those could be his consequences for being stubborn and evil towards his family.

Your husband needs a type of help that you can't give him.  He is in denial at this point it sounds like, because he doesn't seem to see a problem.  That could turn dangerous real fast.  Make a safety plan in the meanwhile, and keep in mind your safety and that of the children is God's upmost priority when it comes to violence.  People that decide they will stop using their hands turn to emotional and verbal abuse instead.  They feel the police can't get involved then, and they can still torture in different ways.

You can't help him at all, or a truly peaceful prayer life without the friction being worked on.  Its very hard to do when you live in a war zone.  You need to do what is best for you and the children, and basically place the ball in his court.  Stating this isn't what God wants, etc is all fine and well - his heart issue isn't either and he needs to own that.  The ball is in his court, and you need to find the strength to allow him to figure out what to do with it. 

My prayers are with you all.

Offline Ben

  • Senior Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 768
  • Manna: 63
    • View Profile
Re: Abuse in Marriage... Anger issues...
« Reply #18 on: Sat Mar 13, 2010 - 08:10:27 »
I am an adult child of a father who I saw one time physically abuse my mother by slapping, punching and hitting her.  This was after my mother threatened to leave my father because of his constant screaming, cursing and yelling at her.  He nearly put her in the hospital.  After that she withdrew into a shell from which she never returned. 

Watching that abuse only one time and then hearing the verbal abuse constantly when I was a young boy horribly damaged me.  When I grew up I found I was a sex addict, I had a violent temper (but I never struck my wife) I would curse like a drunken sailor, and the list of sinful activities goes on and on.  Then I received Christ and guess what.  I still was a sex addict, still had a violent temper and would still curse like a drunken sailor.  Sure some "little" sins fell away when I received Christ but it took a second work of grace for God to heal the damage to my emotions caused by that abuse I saw as a child.  Knowing what I know now I would NEVER allow my children to experience this abuse.  It is illegal, sinful and just plain wrong.  I would pack up and move ASAP.  Save yourself and you children.  Once he sees you are serious, he may seek help, and if he is serious about getting help and gives God permission to step into this mess and heal it, God will.

Ben

Offline comfy

  • Hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 2356
  • Manna: 176
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
Re: Abuse in Marriage... Anger issues...
« Reply #19 on: Sat Mar 13, 2010 - 13:11:28 »
"nor as being lords over those entrusted to you,
but being examples to the flock."
                                          (1 Peter 5:3)

So, a Christian leader leads by example, not by bossing or abusing or dominating or charming. And we men are expected to follow their example, by doing things this way with our families. Good example includes,

"Do all things without complaining and disputing,"
                                        (Philippians 2:14)

"Disputing" would mean *arguing*, I understand. So, God does expect us to relate without arguing. Arguing is a way of trying to control, of lording it over someone, I understand. So, arguing is lording it over, and it is not God's example of how to love. Our pastor has said during his preaching, that if he gets into an argument with his wife, he then apologizes to her and to his children, and usually it turns out she was right. I'd say example includes telling the children when we have done something wrong, so they can learn from how we have been wrong and learn from our honesty. But then they need to see us do better, so they are not just getting a "Do as I say, not as I do" thing.

"Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much." (James 5:16)

I would consider that a man who is a great person in God's sight is a man who does these things. He leads by example, as the "head" (Ephesians 5:22-33), carefully and prayerfully teaching his children how to love in marriage, demonstrating with his and his wife's example. So, I should not lie to God by saying someone is great if he isn't. And if I am honest with God, I can get His guidance how to pray and what to do.

One thing I am considering is God has provided His qualified pastors who meet the standards of 1 Timothy 3:1-10. These men have learned with their wives how to make their marriages work and how to bring up their kids. So, now they are trusted by God to lead us. If God Himself trusts these men, I can see why He also commands us, "Obey those who rule over you, and be submissive, for they watch out for your souls, as those who must give account. Let them do so with joy and not with grief, for that would be unprofitable for you." (Hebrews 13:17) It is our responsibility to make sure with God who His approved people are, who God Himself trusts to lead us.

Of course, you can't gain from this person and his wife's *example*, unless you spend time with him and his family so you can learn how they love and relate. So, this is not just what a counselor in an office can tell you, but in real life we get to know our examples ::smile:: And someone mature like this can show you what's right, and how to handle what is wrong. If emotionally your attention is starting to go to other men, your attention needs instead to go to mature Christian couples and a mature pastoring couple who can help you and with whom you can gain real love and emotional stability with God's own sense of His love, for what to do. "And this I pray, that your love may abound still more and more in knowledge and all discernment." (Philippians 1:9)

Offline snowlilly

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 6
  • Manna: 0
    • View Profile
Re: Abuse in Marriage... Anger issues...
« Reply #20 on: Sat Mar 13, 2010 - 13:33:15 »
Well...  my husband has been off this whole week until today.. so.. I feel very confident in the way I have approached how I feel now.. I think he really knows that I can't show him the love he needs because I am trying to heal.. although he says he is having a hard time because he deserves someone to show love towards him, even if I am healing.. he feels unloved right now.. but, seriously I still come up give hugs, hold his hand.. I told him I am trying my best... He doesn't understand how one arguement a day would effect our relationship when everything else is great.. which it is.. he cooks, helps clean, rough houses with the kids.. like a normal person would.. but then when these arguements happen.. it is unnerving to me.. With Ben's info.. if you read this again.. was your dad a nice guy in general and just argue with your mom sometimes/daily? 
Plus, my husband knows he shouldn't be acting like this... he says he is just a picky person and likes things to go his way alot.. and knows it is wrong.. but that he just needs more time in life to fix it and needs me to be the loving, Christian wife that i am to stick by him and help him thru this.. I hope I am not being redundent to my last messages.. but he also says I am not as spiritual as I used to be.. and I do realize I am not.. because of this mess.. I know I need to rely on God and it is hard for me.. but then I think God knows.. I constantly think of God and love Him dearly.. and I feel bad i can't be as close to Him..
I think I am finally going to either get thru this with my husband and have a good outcome..or it will be the end soon... when he punches me again.. but he says that he really won't do that again because he feels God will help him.. so we will see.. but I am def. stronger and just need Gods help at this point.

Offline Ben

  • Senior Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 768
  • Manna: 63
    • View Profile
Re: Abuse in Marriage... Anger issues...
« Reply #21 on: Sat Mar 13, 2010 - 15:01:38 »
Snowlilly asked, "was your dad a nice guy in general and just argue with your mom sometimes/daily?"

He was a demanding perfectionist and his solution to every problem was violence.  He was a bigot and hated anyone who was not a WASP.... and yet I loved him.  He was a member of an old line denomination that abandoned God years ago and they have yet to miss Him, I call them Churchianity churches.  Was he nice?  I guess so, especially when everything went his way, but when it didn't watch out.

Ben