"nor as being lords over those entrusted to you,
but being
examples to the flock."
(1 Peter 5:3)
So, a Christian leader leads by example, not by bossing or abusing or dominating or charming. And we men are expected to follow their example, by doing things this way with our families. Good example includes,
"Do all things without complaining and disputing,"
(Philippians 2:14)
"Disputing" would mean *arguing*, I understand. So, God does expect us to relate without arguing. Arguing is a way of trying to control, of lording it over someone, I understand. So, arguing is lording it over, and it is not God's example of how to love. Our pastor has said during his preaching, that if he gets into an argument with his wife, he then apologizes to her and to his children, and usually it turns out she was right. I'd say example includes telling the children when we have done something wrong, so they can learn from how we have been wrong and learn from our honesty. But then they need to see us do better, so they are not just getting a "Do as I say, not as I do" thing.
"Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much." (James 5:16)
I would consider that a man who is a great person in God's sight is a man who does these things. He leads by example, as the "head" (Ephesians 5:22-33), carefully and prayerfully teaching his children how to love in marriage, demonstrating with his and his wife's example. So, I should not lie to God by saying someone is great if he isn't. And if I am honest with God, I can get His guidance how to pray and what to do.
One thing I am considering is God has provided His qualified pastors who meet the standards of 1 Timothy 3:1-10. These men have learned with their wives how to make their marriages work and how to bring up their kids. So, now they are trusted by God to lead us. If God Himself trusts these men, I can see why He also commands us, "Obey those who rule over you, and be submissive, for they watch out for your souls, as those who must give account. Let them do so with joy and not with grief, for that would be unprofitable for you." (Hebrews 13:17) It is our responsibility to make sure with God who His approved people are, who God Himself trusts to lead us.
Of course, you can't gain from this person and his wife's *example*, unless you spend time with him and his family so you can learn how they love and relate. So, this is not just what a counselor in an office can tell you, but in real life we get to know our examples
And someone mature like this can show you what's right, and how to handle what is wrong. If emotionally your attention is starting to go to other men, your attention needs instead to go to mature Christian couples and a mature pastoring couple who can help you and with whom you can gain real love and emotional stability with God's own sense of His love, for what to do. "And this I pray, that your love may abound still more and more in knowledge and all discernment." (Philippians 1:9)
