Author Topic: Advice and prayers needed for loving an angry and hostile wife  (Read 1048 times)

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Offline MuadDib

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Sorry in advance for the long post. I'll try to give some background but keep it brief as I can. My wife and I have been married 11 months. We've always been high-conflict yet we got married anyway. I always had hope that the love of Christ would carry us through. But wow, we are both so broken. My first marriage, her second.

It started with my low self esteem getting crushed by her tough exterior. My jealousy kicked into high gear quickly when I realized she wasn't really attracted to me and I was nothing like the huge muscular guy she dated before me. She married me for my love for God. But my love for God hasn't been strong enough to ward off my hurt and jealousy. This lead to her hiding conversations with her guy friends from me which made things worse.

Fast forward to today and we're trying to get over a huge fight after I confronted her about her lying to me about a guy friend she was chatting with on FB. They exchanged profile pics and she saved his pic to her email. This seems like the act of a woman interested in the guy to me. Either way, she says he's only a friend and I've seen nothing else to prove otherwise.

She's very angry that my jealousy got the better of us both, she stayed at her mom's place the last two nights and she has blocked me on FB. While this seems silly, it's very hurtful to me as its a public statement that I have always put value in for some reason. So knowing it hurts me, she does this and refuses to unblock me.

Added to that, she's home and I'm trying my best to be positive, supportive, and try to do something together to rebuild. I suggest starting Love Dare together, she's not interested. I suggest we go for a walk, too tired. I begin watching TV and she's suddenly upset I started a series without her and criticizing me for watching TV. Every interaction is hostile and negative. My heart is aching because she seems bent on making me pay for my jealousy (while she blows off the fact that she lied to me about the guy and exchanging pics with him).

What I've listed above is tame compared to the threats and nasty things she said during the two days of her staying at her mom's place. I also said something I truly regretted and I've since apologized. But apologies are not her thing. They are hard to come by and this also hurts me deeply.

I'm trying desperately to rise above the pain she's trying to inflict and show her love, but I'll admit I'm having a hard time following the first Love Dare challenge (don't say anything negative). I made the mistake of pointing out her bad attitude which made her angry again and she left to go walk for over an hour.

Help! How do I deal with this pain of rejection and intentional stabs so that I can love her as I should? How do I love the woman trying to stab me? I should also add that she's pregnant.
« Last Edit: Tue Dec 22, 2015 - 23:21:10 by MuadDib »

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bemark

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Re: Advice and prayers needed for loving an angry and hostile wife
« Reply #1 on: Wed Dec 23, 2015 - 00:55:31 »
You deal with yourself before him who removes pain .

Offline RB

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Re: Advice and prayers needed for loving an angry and hostile wife
« Reply #2 on: Wed Dec 23, 2015 - 06:53:12 »
My first marriage, her second.
I trust you and her talked about her never bring up her first marriage, good or bad, before you two decided to get marriage. The past must be put into the past, as much as possible.
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It started with my low self esteem getting crushed by her tough exterior.
Was this hidden from you before you two decided to get marriage? If not, then why bring it now? Work through it with communication using gentle/soft words.
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My jealousy kicked into high gear quickly when I realized she wasn't really attracted to me and I was nothing like the huge muscular guy she dated before me.
Comparison between present relationship to former is only asking for fights and unhappy partner. Did you not see things in her before you two came together as husband and wife? I find this hard to believe, thta there were no signs of this behavior before one year in up in your marriage.
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She married me for my love for God.
Really? because you said this:
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This lead to her hiding conversations with her guy friends from me which made things worse.
Where is her love to God? Married women do not have guy friends~no such thing exist. If men just want to be your friend, then they DO NOT fine you too attractive!  Men desire more than just friendships! No married women has the right to have "guy friends"~now she can be friends with her husbands friends WHEN HE'S AROUND!
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They exchanged profile pics and she saved his pic to her email. This seems like the act of a woman interested in the guy to me.
Seems to me that you have a problem to address now.
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She's very angry that my jealousy got the better of us both, she stayed at her mom's place the last two nights and she has blocked me on FB
No older women would EVER think of doing this to her husband, only young fools. FB could be an outlet for women to met men, and it is in many cases. Of course the same is true for men. Men DO NOT have the right to speak with other women WITHOUT the right for the wife to view whatever she desires to read and see. Her husband body is her, since they are one flesh, he belongs to her, and vice versa.
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What I've listed above is tame compared to the threats and nasty things she said during the two days of her staying at her mom's place. I also said something I truly regretted and I've since apologized. But apologies are not her thing.
You do not have a marriage, and if you truly want one, then both of you must seek help either through your church, or professional help. Her parents were wrong allowing her to stay there. If it was my daughter, she would be home with her husband working through any and all problems. You need to move fast, since it seem you are losing this marriage fast. It seems to me also, that you need to be more of a man, and maybe these things would not had happen. But, I do not know that to be so, since I am limited in my knowledge of this. I took the leadership of my home early on, and my wonderful wife has follow me, without very much resentment, none in the last forty years or so, only in the beginning which is to be expected.
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1st Corinthians 16:13~"Watch ye, stand fast in the faith, quit you like men, be strong."
 
« Last Edit: Wed Dec 23, 2015 - 06:56:34 by RB »

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Re: Advice and prayers needed for loving an angry and hostile wife
« Reply #2 on: Wed Dec 23, 2015 - 06:53:12 »

Offline chosenone

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Re: Advice and prayers needed for loving an angry and hostile wife
« Reply #3 on: Wed Dec 23, 2015 - 07:03:02 »
I think you have made a  massive mistake marrying a woman when there were so many red flags. I have no idea why you did marry her because you are now stuck with an ungodly selfish and immature lady. Sadly there is now a baby on the way and its hard to see how this will ever work for that poor child.   
IF I were you I would take her and both go and see the pastor and some godly Christian marriage counsellors. She needs some strong words to stop her appalling behaviour.

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Re: Advice and prayers needed for loving an angry and hostile wife
« Reply #3 on: Wed Dec 23, 2015 - 07:03:02 »

Offline Jason_NC

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Re: Advice and prayers needed for loving an angry and hostile wife
« Reply #4 on: Sat Dec 26, 2015 - 15:53:08 »
These are serious issues that are not going to be solved on a message board.

You guys need to get biblical counseling.  Not "Christian" counseling (which is often secular counseling theories given by a Christian counselor) but biblical counseling.

Go here: http://www.biblicalcounseling.com/counselors and find help.


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Re: Advice and prayers needed for loving an angry and hostile wife
« Reply #4 on: Sat Dec 26, 2015 - 15:53:08 »



Offline Jason_NC

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Re: Advice and prayers needed for loving an angry and hostile wife
« Reply #5 on: Sat Dec 26, 2015 - 16:30:46 »
Actually I do have a couple more questions.

First, most of the time (but there are exceptions) marital issues are not one sided.  What are you contributing to the issues?  What things can you do better?  From the situation you described, a certain amount of jealousy would be appropriate.  (If she is hiding a conversation with other men from you, to me that is evidence that the relationship is inappropriate.)

Second, are you sure she is a Christian?  Not does she claim to be, or does she go to church, but is there fruit in her life?  Does she spend time praying and reading her bible?  Does she hunger and thirst for righteousness?  Does she repent and forgive regularly?  Is she characterized by love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self control in increasing measure over time?

Thirdly, are you members of a church that practices church discipline?  If she is unwilling to seek counseling, that is something that could help persuade her.

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Re: Advice and prayers needed for loving an angry and hostile wife
« Reply #5 on: Sat Dec 26, 2015 - 16:30:46 »

 

     
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