Married 7 years, together for 8
My second marriage, his first
Both in late 40s but I am two years older
Adult children (mine) do not live at home
I dearly loved my children's dad. But when our children were young, we decided to divorce. It was a mutual decision. He got married right away, and I waited until our children were pretty much grown (mid-late teens). My ex and I stayed on good terms, although when he moved away, he did not see our children very often at all. They were still quite young.
I married my current husband because I do not want to be alone. I don't want to grow old alone, and I did not want the empty nest to be devoid of all human beings. He was a good match and we got along well. After we married, it was not long at all before I totally lost interest in sex with him. He rarely ever touched me, he did not seem interested in me, he took a very long time, I had to do all the work, etc. I never denied him, though. But even at that, it only ever happened every 4 - 6 weeks and always was the same. It became less and less frequent and now it's been almost a year and a half since he's even come to bed with me.
Early on, he quit touching me. After a couple of years, he gradually stopped chatting with me, and eventually he started picking really immature fights with me over meaningless things. He will pick a fight, scream and holler for a few days, then act as though nothing is wrong, and actually expects me to act as though nothing is wrong. What's more is that he had a good job when I met him, but has not worked since we married. I finally took any "extras" away from him and won't bail him out anymore, and he finally got a casual position, but I do not believe he is continuing to look for more work.
He has taken any potential meaning out of what I had considered intimate activities (not sexual). He has emotionally, mentally, sexually and financially checked out of the marriage - except the token attempts he makes to normalize our lives. I do not even really like him much anymore. Even if he tried touching me, I would not want him to, and even if he tried opening up to me now, I don't really care. As a result of his withdrawal, I have spent more time with my girlfriends and invested my time in my work.
In the meantime, my ex has been in touch more and more over the last couple of years. He has divorced his wife (addiction issues on her part). My ex has chatted with me more in the last year than my husband has in the last 7 years put together. My ex has told me he still finds me attractive, and we have joked about seeing each other after all this time... but we don't.
But I am afraid.... my ex is so terrific, and always was. We worked through a lot of the things that drove us apart, and it all makes sense now. My love for my ex has always been there, but not in a marital way. But I don't feel married now... and I find myself wondering more and more about seeing my ex again and what that might be like.
My current husband and I saw our pastor a couple of times for marriage issues, but we can't afford a counselor. Even if we could, I'm just feeling so done.... being the one to carry this marriage all these years and getting so little in return.
Please help. I feel like I've been emotionally abandoned in this marriage, and he has never once contributed a penny financially, and according to the Bible that makes him "worse than an unbeliever." But my ex.... I'm so very tempted....