Author Topic: advice please  (Read 1602 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline sosad

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 1
  • Manna: 0
  • (T)ogether (E)veryone (A)chieves (M)ore
advice please
« on: Sun Sep 25, 2016 - 21:05:44 »
Married 7 years, together for 8
My second marriage, his first
Both in late 40s but I am two years older
Adult children (mine) do not live at home

I dearly loved my children's dad. But when our children were young, we decided to divorce. It was a mutual decision. He got married right away, and I waited until our children were pretty much grown (mid-late teens). My ex and I stayed on good terms, although when he moved away, he did not see our children very often at all. They were still quite young.

I married my current husband because I do not want to be alone. I don't want to grow old alone, and I did not want the empty nest to be devoid of all human beings. He was a good match and we got along well. After we married, it was not long at all before I totally lost interest in sex with him. He rarely ever touched me, he did not seem interested in me, he took a very long time, I had to do all the work, etc. I never denied him, though. But even at that, it only ever happened every 4 - 6 weeks and always was the same. It became less and less frequent and now it's been almost a year and a half since he's even come to bed with me.

Early on, he quit touching me. After a couple of years, he gradually stopped chatting with me, and eventually he started picking really immature fights with me over meaningless things. He will pick a fight, scream and holler for a few days, then act as though nothing is wrong, and actually expects me to act as though nothing is wrong. What's more is that he had a good job when I met him, but has not worked since we married. I finally took any "extras" away from him and won't bail him out anymore, and he finally got a casual position, but I do not believe he is continuing to look for more work.

He has taken any potential meaning out of what I had considered intimate activities (not sexual). He has emotionally, mentally, sexually and financially checked out of the marriage - except the token attempts he makes to normalize our lives. I do not even really like him much anymore. Even if he tried touching me, I would not want him to, and even if he tried opening up to me now, I don't really care. As a result of his withdrawal, I have spent more time with my girlfriends and invested my time in my work.

In the meantime, my ex has been in touch more and more over the last couple of years. He has divorced his wife (addiction issues on her part). My ex has chatted with me more in the last year than my husband has in the last 7 years put together. My ex has told me he still finds me attractive, and we have joked about seeing each other after all this time... but we don't.

But I am afraid.... my ex is so terrific, and always was. We worked through a lot of the things that drove us apart, and it all makes sense now. My love for my ex has always been there, but not in a marital way. But I don't feel married now... and I find myself wondering more and more about seeing my ex again and what that might be like.

My current husband and I saw our pastor a couple of times for marriage issues, but we can't afford a counselor. Even if we could, I'm just feeling so done.... being the one to carry this marriage all these years and getting so little in return.

Please help. I feel like I've been emotionally abandoned in this marriage, and he has never once contributed a penny financially, and according to the Bible that makes him "worse than an unbeliever." But my ex.... I'm so very tempted....


  • Guest
Re: advice please
« Reply #1 on: Mon Sep 26, 2016 - 17:07:41 »
Sorry to hear of your Sadness Sister,

I don't think I can post links to videos on this message board   but if you Google the words... " Staying Married Is Not About Staying in Love, Part 1"  along with the words " Desiring God" you will find a great video by a pastor named John Piper on this subject.

Theres also anoher video if you Google " The Purpose of Marriage | Paul Washer  on Youtube"   uploaded  by Life For Jesus.

 Search them exactly as they appear in bold print. These two videos should really help clarify things for you.

The bottom line is that many marriages have very long seasons like you describe (lasting sometimes  many decades) and the solution is not to seek satisfation eltsewhere because you will be chasing an illusion. Use the time and the aloneness to grow in your fellowship and deepen your connection with the Lord.  Thats the only place real deep eternal satisfaction can truely be found .

Hope the Videos help :-)

God Bless!

Offline grams

  • Hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 2185
  • Manna: 55
  • Gender: Female
Re: advice please
« Reply #2 on: Thu Nov 10, 2016 - 05:26:23 »

sosad,  I feel like it is time for  you and your first husband to look into getting back together

and getting married again....... 

Gods Princess

  • Guest
Re: advice please
« Reply #3 on: Wed Nov 16, 2016 - 03:30:11 »
I am really sorry for your loneliness and sadness but please listen to me. You chose to divorce your first husband (you both chose this) and now you are married to your current husband. If I were you I would CEASE ALL COMMUNICATION with your ex husband, because otherwise you are asking for trouble.

You state you don't "feel married" to your husband, but feelings change from one day to the next, regardless of how you feel you are in a covenant with him.

In regards to your husband, does he give reasons as to why he is not interested in sex? Is he into pornography or could he be having an affair?
Perhaps he has some emotional issues going on, depression perhaps?

I am very sorry things have gone the way they have in your marriage but playing with fire in talking with your ex is not ok. Unless he commits adultery or leaves you, you have no grounds for divorce.
I know you may not like the advice I am giving you, but I wouldn't be doing you any favours by lying to you.
« Last Edit: Wed Nov 16, 2016 - 03:44:25 by Gods Princess »

Offline chosenone

  • Global Moderator
  • *****
  • Posts: 30932
  • Manna: 538
  • Gender: Female
Re: advice please
« Reply #4 on: Wed Nov 16, 2016 - 04:46:17 »
The more you focus on the man you WERE married to, the more discontent you will feel. Its as if you are being unfaithful in your mind. You are a married lady, you have no Biblical reason to end the marriage, nor to be thinking about another man.
Do all you can to work on your marriage, pray for you marriage, and as has been said, cut off all contact with your former husband.Dont allow yourself to think about him or fantasise about what life MAY be like with him(remember there were reasons you ended the marriage).

Ask your pastor if there is a mature married couple or a counsellor he knows you could go to together to help with the marriage, who wont charge money, put all your thoughts and energies into your marriage and husband.
Your former husband has NO business telling a married lady of his feelings, nor of communicating with you at all. You are NOT free to be with him or have this emotional affair with him. That alone is a red flag to his behaviour as a Christian.Its not how a man of integrity would behave.  As soon as you cease all communication with him and be a faithful wife, things will begin to look differently.

You loosing interest in sex was probably what started the downslide. Sex is vital in a marriage, it keeps the couple emotionally close. No wonder you drifted apart. As for the work/money situation someone from your church should have challenged him on this long ago.Its not too late for that to happen.
Did you mention the work situation to your pastor? What were his general thoughts on the situation?
« Last Edit: Wed Nov 16, 2016 - 04:59:41 by chosenone »

Christian Forums and Message Board

Re: advice please
« Reply #4 on: Wed Nov 16, 2016 - 04:46:17 »