Are spouses gossiping if they share everything with each other?

[ViolaChick22]

     A single friend of mine recently asserted the following on Facebook: "I hate when couples assume they can talk about someone else's situation because they are married. If I tell a friend something and she tells her husband...it's still GOSSIP! So if you are going to gossip...don't deceive yourself as well...then you are gossiping AND a liar!!!"
     She wasn't referring to a situation involving herself, and it has nothing to do with me either, but it's really been making me think.
     When I got married, I knew how important it was to have good communication, and I've always been of the opinion that spouses share everything...I never once even thought whether this would constitute gossip because I thought it was what I was supposed to do.  When I think of marriage being "one flesh", to me that means sharing everything. 
     What are your thoughts on this?  Should married couples share everything?  Or is it gossiping?

[Mac]

     A single friend of mine recently asserted the following on Facebook: "I hate when couples assume they can talk about someone else's situation because they are married. If I tell a friend something and she tells her husband...it's still GOSSIP! So if you are going to gossip...don't deceive yourself as well...then you are gossiping AND a liar!!!"
     She wasn't referring to a situation involving herself, and it has nothing to do with me either, but it's really been making me think.
     When I got married, I knew how important it was to have good communication, and I've always been of the opinion that spouses share everything...I never once even thought whether this would constitute gossip because I thought it was what I was supposed to do.  When I think of marriage being "one flesh", to me that means sharing everything. 
     What are your thoughts on this?  Should married couples share everything?  Or is it gossiping?

Absolutely... There are no secrets in a marriage. A husband and wife should share everything. My wife always tells people that she will not share with anyone, other than me, what she is being told. If they have an issue with that, she just tells them not to tell her. She says that if she can't share it with her husband, she really doesn't need to know.

She is not a gossip. So, most people just don't say anything "juicy" to her. She is quick to point out if something is gossip and leave it alone. That, within itself, makes people uncomfortable.

[tennman]

I agree that secrets are bad, but at the same time, is it really fair to share what someone shared with you in confidence to your spouse? I mean, if it's something that affects you or your spouse, or something that could be inappropriate, that's one thing. But if it's someone else's secret, like that they're struggling in their marriage or financially, I just don't think it's always good to go talking about what they told you to your spouse. Who would want to go talk to a minister about issues your facing if he was just going to go tell his wife about what you said? You might think ministers are different, but I think that there's not a broad-brush stroke answer to this. Gossip is not good and sharing things that people tell you in confidence is not good. If it doesn't involve you or your spouse, I don't see a reason to tell your spouse and think it could possibly cause problems or destroy trust.

One example I just thought of is, what if my mom came to me about a personal issue with her and my dad? Am I obligated to tell the details to my wife? I don't think so.

[Mac]

One example I just thought of is, what if my mom came to me about a personal issue with her and my dad? Am I obligated to tell the details to my wife? I don't think so.

Obligated? No. But to share with her where she can be your support and rock? Your prayer partner?

I guess if you are married to a gossip and you can't trust them not to tell, you shouldn't.

[dallasapple]

I dont think its keeping a secret from your spouse to be a friends confidant.

The only thing is though sometimes if the information is a heavy burden or worry to you then its possible you may wish to "lean" on your spouse for emotional support .Does that make sense?

For whatever reason I have been "selected" LOL..by several family members and friends as an ONGOING support system to vent and confide in.

Then I lean on my husband to get advice to offer or just to "unload" because I'm emotionally taxed from taking it all in.If I have to try and hold it in then it affects him because Im preoccupied or stuck inside my own head.

It also jsut depends on what it is.

Love

Dallas

[Mac]

The only thing is though sometimes if the information is a heavy burden or worry to you then its possible you may wish to "lean" on your spouse for emotional support .Does that make sense?

Yes, it does make sense. That was the point I was trying to make above. My wife is an extension of me. And when I am sad or burden, she feels it as well. Just having each other for prayer partners and emotional "outlets" is very comforting.

I, too, have been "appointed" the family back bone. It is tough at times.

[dallasapple]

The only thing is though sometimes if the information is a heavy burden or worry to you then its possible you may wish to "lean" on your spouse for emotional support .Does that make sense?

Yes, it does make sense. That was the point I was trying to make above. My wife is an extension of me. And when I am sad or burden, she feels it as well. Just having each other for prayer partners and emotional "outlets" is very comforting.

I, too, have been "appointed" the family back bone. It is tough at times.

It is tough.Its flattering to be trusted and needed.But sometimes I want to hide under the bed.LOL!

Its really funny this topic came up.I have spent the past 2 days dealing with my brother and his grilfriends issues.I mean Im serious I will get an e-mail for instance from her that jsut says ..."its happening again ..HELP!..can you hear me???"..Then my brother will call and tell me she is crazy and could I "talk to her" and OH boy!Im talkign to them sometimes together at once on a SPEAKER PHONE playing referee and counselor.

And thats just my brother.There are others.

This as I said is ongoing and frequent.I most times discuss this with my husband.Because they need me I need him!

I told him this thread got started.He agreed.Sometimes I feel bad for him because I am the "chosen one" and I cant in my heart turn them away and he gets the "side affects".

Love

Dallas

[k-pappy]

I'm split here...I am all about sharing everything with your spouse, and do not think it is "gossip" if you are sharing with him or her.

On the other hand, if a friend tells you something in confidence, you should keep that confidence.

Bond

[dallasapple]

I'm split here...I am all about sharing everything with your spouse, and do not think it is "gossip" if you are sharing with him or her.

On the other hand, if a friend tells you something in confidence, you should keep that confidence.

Bond

I agree it depends on what it is though and how frequently they rely on you.

Actually I'm sure you have heard someone say .."I want to tell you something but you have to promise not to tell anyone" .Thats not fair.I will not agree to that ever.I say it depends on what it is and I may tell my husband I can not promise you that.

And as Mac mentioned unless your spouse is a gossip..then I dont see the harm if you NEED to talk to someone yourself about it.Some things people want to confide in you are a heavy burden.I to be honest have resented some of what I have had to keep secret from other people directly affected and kept in the dark.It helped to be able to talk to my husband and vice versa.

Its not about "hiding things" from your spouse or not beign able to keep a secret.Its about needing your spouse as a support to you to better help you support the person.

Love

Dallas

Also it depends on the relationship dynamics.Between you and the other person and your husband and the other person.

[chosenone]

I trust my husband 100% and I do feel that we should be able to share anything. If I tell a friend something, I assume that many will tell their husbands. if I don't want their husband to know then I don't tell them. Simple.

My husband feels that if he is told something in confidence (for example we went to a teaching/ministry week where we were in different groups and his group were told to keep everything confidential)then he has to, but it did cause problems as I feel we shouldn't keep anything from each other. I actually wasn't interested in things that they talked about as I don't know the people, but I am for 100% honesty and openness with my husband. This is especially important to me as I was so betrayed by my ex and as I am such a truthful and honest person I want the same in a spouse.

Anyhow the two of us disagree on this, but I always assume that a man will tell his wife and a women will tell her husband. To me it is normal and natural.
The marriage relationship is unique, and isn't like a normal friendship. I would never dream of telling a friend anything that another person has told me in confidence, but my husband is different as far as I am concerned. 

[OldDad]

I'm with Mac on this one.  My friends, family, and congregation understand when they tell either one of us something in confidence, that includes both of us.

As a pastor who has opportunity to counsel, my wife is my confidante and sounding board, and she often has better instincts and insights into things than I do.

[BAH-BLAH]

My wife and I have a reasonable policy on this.....we've never articulated it as such, but it works like this

Someone tells her something, and she wont rush and tell me, I never even know she was told something....so no harm no foul. I know this because on occasion it DOES come up, and she will say she knows something she was asked not to share. If I insisted she would share, and has....no hard feelings, usually I respect the thing and leave it....goes the same when its me with the juice.

[tennman]

I'm just saying that thinking we always have to tell our spouse everything about what everyone said to us is not a good thing. I wouldn't want to talk to someone about private things if I knew that information was going to be shared with someone who I am probably not as close to or even know. The Bible opposes gossip and we walk a fine line in having a policy to tell our spouse everything others say to us.

[lightshineon]

 There are things that others have gossiped about, and I do not repeat it to my husband.

[chosenone]

I'm with Mac on this one.  My friends, family, and congregation understand when they tell either one of us something in confidence, that includes both of us.

As a pastor who has opportunity to counsel, my wife is my confidante and sounding board, and she often has better instincts and insights into things than I do.

 Amen old dad. Telling our spouse something isnt gossipping. I share everything with my husband. Often I have shared things with my husband and we have prayed together about that person and a  few times God has give that person a word through my husband and they have been so pleased and helped a lot by that.
My friends know my husband and know that things will be shared. I dont believe in any secrets and things kept from each other. I am a very honest and open person and to me that is so important.

[poohgirl]

Sharing things with my husband I don't think is gossip and I assume most things  I share with friends may be end up being shared with their spouses too.  The exception would be if someone share something with you and asked you not to share with anyone at all including your spouse, then you should not share it with your spouse or you should tell the person upfront that you uncomfortable not telling your spouse things and ask them not to share with you.  Sometimes a person may not want your spouse to know something they need to confide in you about and so you must decide whether you can hold to that before they share anything with you and if you can't then tell them upfront.

[lightshineon]

Sharing things with my husband I don't think is gossip and I assume most things  I share with friends may be end up being shared with their spouses too.  The exception would be if someone share something with you and asked you not to share with anyone at all including your spouse, then you should not share it with your spouse or you should tell the person upfront that you uncomfortable not telling your spouse things and ask them not to share with you.  Sometimes a person may not want your spouse to know something they need to confide in you about and so you must decide whether you can hold to that before they share anything with you and if you can't then tell them upfront.

 I agree, the only exception is when someone blurts something out, that is gossip, and really bad. That has happened to me, where someone just laid it out, and I did not participate, but should have said stop actually. The person called later, and apologized for gossiping, she was angry at someone. I did not share with husband, something that was truly shocking about our pastor, I did not share with anyone, because it did not benefit, but hurt the pastors family.

[farouk]

Ms light:

Sharing things with my husband I don't think is gossip and I assume most things  I share with friends may be end up being shared with their spouses too.  The exception would be if someone share something with you and asked you not to share with anyone at all including your spouse, then you should not share it with your spouse or you should tell the person upfront that you uncomfortable not telling your spouse things and ask them not to share with you.  Sometimes a person may not want your spouse to know something they need to confide in you about and so you must decide whether you can hold to that before they share anything with you and if you can't then tell them upfront.

 I agree, the only exception is when someone blurts something out, that is gossip, and really bad. That has happened to me, where someone just laid it out, and I did not participate, but should have said stop actually. The person called later, and apologized for gossiping, she was angry at someone. I did not share with husband, something that was truly shocking about our pastor, I did not share with anyone, because it did not benefit, but hurt the pastors family.

Hey, at my age I have trouble even remembering the stuff that ppl say, be it garbage or otherwise...

My wife sometimes does my remembering for me...

[janine]

Just because s/he is your spouse does not mean you should blabber every blessed thing you hear.

If you are a priest - preacher - counselor - doctor - lawyer - whatever, do your spill all to your spouse?

That's one point.

The other point is this: passing on information, alone, simply passing on info, is not necessarily gossip.

What makes for gossip is the potential for harm, the potential for titillation, the false superiority and smugness, complacency and greasy superiority, that blooms in your heart while you pass on the info. 

Ask yourself the old adage "Is it true?  Is it useful? Is it kind?" before you pass on that tidbit.

[epiphanius]

TC,

That depends *entirely* on what you mean by "sharing everything."  Properly understood, sharing refers to one's values, one's dreams and aspirations, as well as one's strengths and weaknesses--all about the real "me" (and the real "we").  Gossip, on the other hand, is *always* about a third party, and serves no purpose except to try and show that you should like me better than that third party.

[chosenone]

I believe that a married couple should be able to share anything. Unless one of them is, say, a doctor or counselor and they have to keep things confidential for that reason. 

[MeMyself]

When I first read the title of this I thought "Ridiculous!", but then I remembered a couple friendship we have.  My dh and and anther dh meet weekly for bible study, encouragement, accountability and just some place to share their struggles.  They agreed it was to stay between them...and the other dh goes home every week and shares with his wife what my dh shared with him; about our marriage, about his personal struggles, etc.  I know this because I would get texts or phone calls and she would inform me that my dh had said "blah blah blah".  (and she is not one to keep such things to herself...likes to have the inside scoop on everybody's business)

Finally, finally my dh sees the wisdom in sharing nothing more than "I am fine. We are fine" which is sad really.

So, "are spouses gossiping if they share everything with each other?"; depends entirely on the couple.  For some the answer is yes, but for others, who know how to keep things between themselves, no.

[chosenone]

When I first read the title of this I thought "Ridiculous!", but then I remembered a couple friendship we have.  My dh and and anther dh meet weekly for bible study, encouragement, accountability and just some place to share their struggles.  They agreed it was to stay between them...and the other dh goes home every week and shares with his wife what my dh shared with him; about our marriage, about his personal struggles, etc.  I know this because I would get texts or phone calls and she would inform me that my dh had said "blah blah blah".  (and she is not one to keep such things to herself...likes to have the inside scoop on everybody's business)

Finally, finally my dh sees the wisdom in sharing nothing more than "I am fine. We are fine" which is sad really.

So, "are spouses gossiping if they share everything with each other?"; depends entirely on the couple.  For some the answer is yes, but for others, who know how to keep things between themselves, no.

Thats just not on is it. Even if DH did tell me something in confidence I would KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT. I have been told many private things by people over the years, and I have never gone and blabbed to others about it. My husband is the same. We do share a lot, but we can both keep quiet.

[MeMyself]

When I first read the title of this I thought "Ridiculous!", but then I remembered a couple friendship we have.  My dh and and anther dh meet weekly for bible study, encouragement, accountability and just some place to share their struggles.  They agreed it was to stay between them...and the other dh goes home every week and shares with his wife what my dh shared with him; about our marriage, about his personal struggles, etc.  I know this because I would get texts or phone calls and she would inform me that my dh had said "blah blah blah".  (and she is not one to keep such things to herself...likes to have the inside scoop on everybody's business)

Finally, finally my dh sees the wisdom in sharing nothing more than "I am fine. We are fine" which is sad really.

So, "are spouses gossiping if they share everything with each other?"; depends entirely on the couple.  For some the answer is yes, but for others, who know how to keep things between themselves, no.

Thats just not on is it. Even if DH did tell me something in confidence I would KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT. I have been told many private things by people over the years, and I have never gone and blabbed to others about it. My husband is the same. We do share a lot, but we can both keep quiet.

Yes, us too...I don't share what my dh tells me.

He btw never shared about what the other man talked to with him, and I respect that!

[chosenone]

When I first read the title of this I thought "Ridiculous!", but then I remembered a couple friendship we have.  My dh and and anther dh meet weekly for bible study, encouragement, accountability and just some place to share their struggles.  They agreed it was to stay between them...and the other dh goes home every week and shares with his wife what my dh shared with him; about our marriage, about his personal struggles, etc.  I know this because I would get texts or phone calls and she would inform me that my dh had said "blah blah blah".  (and she is not one to keep such things to herself...likes to have the inside scoop on everybody's business)

Finally, finally my dh sees the wisdom in sharing nothing more than "I am fine. We are fine" which is sad really.

So, "are spouses gossiping if they share everything with each other?"; depends entirely on the couple.  For some the answer is yes, but for others, who know how to keep things between themselves, no.

Thats just not on is it. Even if DH did tell me something in confidence I would KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT. I have been told many private things by people over the years, and I have never gone and blabbed to others about it. My husband is the same. We do share a lot, but we can both keep quiet.

Yes, us too...I don't share what my dh tells me.

He btw never shared about what the other man talked to with him, and I respect that!

Yes thats good isnt it.

[Willie T]

It's gossip.  They trusted you.  They may not trust her or him.
You don't get to make that decision for them.

[SarahMckay]

I would considered that gossiping, but I think that is natural for relationships, they are together and its something they can talk about and compare to yourself