Arranged Marriages

[dallasapple]

My wife has a Orthodox Jewish friend who's grandparents were married just like this.  When both were around 6, their parents decided when they reached a certain age (what that was I don't know) they would be married.  Doing the math, I think they got married around the age of 19.  They were married 54 years.

You mean they got a DIVORCE in their Seventies!!!!

How sad..

Well I have heard that there is a lot of action in the old age homes.I can understand the temptation.

Love

Dallas

[chosenone]

I think that God has far more idea of arranging marriages than any parents or family.My MIL doesn't even like me, yet me and my dh are really happy and so right for each other.God bought us together in an amazing way.
So God is definitely my marriage arranger.

This is actually kind of perturbing me that you said this.Im not trying to be confrontational but why would you think that God has no hand in arranged marriages which is basically what you are saying.

The fact that your MIL doesn't like you doesn't mean that your marriage is any more God's idea than in a marriage where the MIL does like the wife of her son and even picked her out.

Love

Dallas

 Parents are not always the best people to pick out their children's spouses. Once we get to adulthood we should be independent and make our own decisions, with Gods leading.
God is quite capable of bringing 2 adults together himself. there are all sorts of reasons why parents choose certain spouses for their children,many of them selfish, some financial, some for family reasons, some for tradition, some so that they are married into a 'good' family (in their eyes) etc.
The reason my mother in law doesn't like me (or any of her daughters in law) is that no one is good enough for her sons. As we got married in our late 40's she had no say and as she lives in Australia I never met her till one year after the wedding anyway, basically she wants her sons to herself and their wives just get in the way (she thinks).

God is my all in all and He alone knows who is the right person for me. He knows us far far better then our families do.

[chosenone]

I think that God has far more idea of arranging marriages than any parents or family.My MIL doesn't even like me, yet me and my dh are really happy and so right for each other.God bought us together in an amazing way.
So God is definitely my marriage arranger.

I dont think that its a matter of if your marriage WASNT arranged means that God didnt have a hand in it.Or that if your marriage was "arranged" that means he didnt.

Someone having an arranged marriage that turns out beautifully doesnt negate yours did too .

Love

Dallas

  Many cultures that have arranged marriages also have strict rules that do not allow the women to leave or divorce their husband no matter how they are treated. I am sure there are a few arranged marriages that do end up happlily, (more by luck than judgement) but I am sure there are many more that dont,especially those that are arranged for very young women to old men such as we often hear about here in the UK.

[chosenone]

My wife has a Orthodox Jewish friend who's grandparents were married just like this.  When both were around 6, their parents decided when they reached a certain age (what that was I don't know) they would be married.  Doing the math, I think they got married around the age of 19.  They were married 54 years.

  Now that is just cruel. Poor kids to be promised in marriage at 6 years old. maybe it worked out and maybe it didnt even though they stayed together. In those days people did stay together no matter what,and it certainly was no indicator of how the marriage was.

[dallasapple]

My wife has a Orthodox Jewish friend who's grandparents were married just like this.  When both were around 6, their parents decided when they reached a certain age (what that was I don't know) they would be married.  Doing the math, I think they got married around the age of 19.  They were married 54 years.

  Now that is just cruel. Poor kids to be promised in marriage at 6 years old. maybe it worked out and maybe it didnt even though they stayed together. In those days people did stay together no matter what,and it certainly was no indicator of how the marriage was.

But no "matter what" is in the vows honey.DEATH is the only clause or adultery.Are you saying that you have a different standard?

Are you basing your opinion on "feelings"?

Love

Dallas

[chosenone]

My wife has a Orthodox Jewish friend who's grandparents were married just like this.  When both were around 6, their parents decided when they reached a certain age (what that was I don't know) they would be married.  Doing the math, I think they got married around the age of 19.  They were married 54 years.

  Now that is just cruel. Poor kids to be promised in marriage at 6 years old. maybe it worked out and maybe it didnt even though they stayed together. In those days people did stay together no matter what,and it certainly was no indicator of how the marriage was.

But no "matter what" is in the vows honey.DEATH is the only clause or adultery.Are you saying that you have a different standard?

Are you basing your opinion on "feelings"?

Love

Dallas

 

So you thnk it is  ok for two little children to be 'married off' before they are even grown up? Our children are not our property to be sold or bought or given to anyone just becuase WE happen to want the two families to be joined. We bring our children up to be independent and to be able to make their own decisions. Once they are adults we need to let them go and not control their lives anymore. Our job is for the large part done then.
I have three young adult children and there is no way I would ever try to tell them who or not they should marry.It is NOT my buisiness, it is their choice and going by the lovely girl who my son is going to marry, God is perfectly capable of bringing the right person along for them at the right time without any interference from me.

Theirs is one of those God miracles, they are so perfect and so right for each other. She is everything that any mum could want for their son, and guess what? God did it all without any help or interference from me.
I think it is actually arrogant of us as parents to think that we know who will or wont be right for our children when they have a perfect heavenly Father who knows EXACTLY who will be right for them far better than we ever could.


Many arranged marriages are terrible. We dont hear the half of it. Most of those in them have no say and no voice.

[dallasapple]

I think that God has far more idea of arranging marriages than any parents or family.My MIL doesn't even like me, yet me and my dh are really happy and so right for each other.God bought us together in an amazing way.
So God is definitely my marriage arranger.

I dont think that its a matter of if your marriage WASNT arranged means that God didnt have a hand in it.Or that if your marriage was "arranged" that means he didnt.

Someone having an arranged marriage that turns out beautifully doesnt negate yours did too .

Love

Dallas

  Many cultures that have arranged marriages also have strict rules that do not allow the women to leave or divorce their husband no matter how they are treated. I am sure there are a few arranged marriages that do end up happlily, (more by luck than judgement) but I am sure there are many more that dont,especially those that are arranged for very young women to old men such as we often hear about here in the UK.

I am not talking about nor would I ever condone some of the practices in other countries regarding womens rights.Nor arranging for a young girl to be married off the minute she hits puberty to an old man who also Im sure has more than one wife.

I am fully aware of some of the opression and unequal rights and ill treatment of women in other countries.

But if done in the manner that Blah Blah described with both parties in agreement to marry in countries that do NOT discriminate against women I really don't see it any different than any other match making concept.

Love

Dallas

[dallasapple]

QUOTE CHOSEN ONE:So you thnk it is  ok for two little children to be 'married off' before they are even grown up? END QUOTE

In the example given they werent "married off' before they were grown up.He stated they were both around 19 when they actually married.

And I have clearly expressed my opinion that they need to be able to socialize and get to know each other well enough that if either one is against the marriage they shouldn't be "forced".

Watch the movie Monsoon Wedding to get an idea what Im thinking of in terms of "arranged" marriage.

Love

Dallas

[chosenone]

Why do marriages have to be arranged by anyone except God (if we are Christians that is)? He is the only match maker I would ever want to use. We have to remember that the majority of arranged marriages are done by non Christian's.
What gives me as a parent the right to think that I know who will be best for my children? The choice is theirs with Gods leading. I pray about it, but that is where my input needs to end.
People are usually chosen for children because they have money or a 'good' family or prestige and many times the children have little say even if they really don't want to do it. There are many many pressures to conform in such families.
There are so many parents that cant even be good parents, so how they think they could chose the right marriage partner in beyond  me.

[BAH-BLAH]

Why do marriages have to be arranged by anyone except God (if we are Christians that is)? He is the only match maker I would ever want to use. We have to remember that the majority of arranged marriages are done by non Christian's.
What gives me as a parent the right to think that I know who will be best for my children? The choice is theirs with Gods leading. I pray about it, but that is where my input needs to end.
People are usually chosen for children because they have money or a 'good' family or prestige and many times the children have little say even if they really don't want to do it. There are many many pressures to conform in such families.
There are so many parents that cant even be good parents, so how they think they could chose the right marriage partner in beyond  me.

First let me be clear Im not raging in endoresement of arranged marriage BUT If I think this through I see a lot more merit in the process I described than in what you are.

 Sure as adults we should be free to make decsions...but give me a break if you are suggesting that because Im 21, 0r 25 I can make WISE decisions based on age. The amalgam of the years of experience of all those folks involved is HUGE. That both families deeply love the one from their side and want whats best is HUGE. I think there is a major benefit to bringing that generational wisdom AND built in heavy investment of those families into the marriage.

Why is it mutually exclusive anyway? Why can God not be involved in the arranged marriage? I mean, here in the west people get married after, even the conservative ones, a couple years of knowing each other, often the extended families NEVER meet, and are 1000's of miles apart, and we "FEEL" good with the person, pray, and decide to marry, never entertaining the fact that we are VERY prone to feelings overriding Holy Spirit nudges..it happens, why not in this area?

Finally, the Bible speaks clearly about wisdom gleaned from experience, wisdom in multiple counselors, it supports the tenets of the arranged marriage thing very strongly. If as dallas says the 2 know each other and have some input, bringing all that wisdom to bear is a HUGE benefit. Dont compare , say, Arabic countries and major oppression (or Afganistan..read "1000 Splendid Suns" to see how that works) to what I described in India.

[chosenone]

OK we will agree to differ. I just thank God that I am not in a family that wanted to arrange my marriage. I also thank God that I am not expected to choose my childrens spouses. They are perfectly capable of doing that theselves with Gods help.

[dallasapple]

Why do marriages have to be arranged by anyone except God (if we are Christians that is)? He is the only match maker I would ever want to use. We have to remember that the majority of arranged marriages are done by non Christian's.
What gives me as a parent the right to think that I know who will be best for my children? The choice is theirs with Gods leading. I pray about it, but that is where my input needs to end.
People are usually chosen for children because they have money or a 'good' family or prestige and many times the children have little say even if they really don't want to do it. There are many many pressures to conform in such families.
There are so many parents that cant even be good parents, so how they think they could chose the right marriage partner in beyond  me.

First let me be clear Im not raging in endoresement of arranged marriage BUT If I think this through I see a lot more merit in the process I described than in what you are.

 Sure as adults we should be free to make decsions...but give me a break if you are suggesting that because Im 21, 0r 25 I can make WISE decisions based on age. The amalgam of the years of experience of all those folks involved is HUGE. That both families deeply love the one from their side and want whats best is HUGE. I think there is a major benefit to bringing that generational wisdom AND built in heavy investment of those families into the marriage.

Why is it mutually exclusive anyway? Why can God not be involved in the arranged marriage? I mean, here in the west people get married after, even the conservative ones, a couple years of knowing each other, often the extended families NEVER meet, and are 1000's of miles apart, and we "FEEL" good with the person, pray, and decide to marry, never entertaining the fact that we are VERY prone to feelings overriding Holy Spirit nudges..it happens, why not in this area?

Finally, the Bible speaks clearly about wisdom gleaned from experience, wisdom in multiple counselors, it supports the tenets of the arranged marriage thing very strongly. If as dallas says the 2 know each other and have some input, bringing all that wisdom to bear is a HUGE benefit. Dont compare , say, Arabic countries and major oppression (or Afganistan..read "1000 Splendid Suns" to see how that works) to what I described in India.

Thats what I dont get.Why is it that if its arranged after many wise people who know and love both children and the children(I mean children not in a minor since) meet and agree to marry why you would assume that had nothing to do with God being involved?

And saying many arranged marriages are "terrible" is a moot point because so are many non arranged marriages.

And lets be honest here.When you say Gods leading you are referring to your feelings about the other person.God does not jump down and say.."this is the one"..you feel it.Why can not an arranged couple "feel" that they are right for each other just because they were initially "picked" by the families ?

And also Im with Blah Blah as well as Im not inisnuating everyone should be married this way.I just will not agree that under any circumstances its wrong or that God has no hand in it.

Love

Dallas

[chosenone]

On the contrary. I knew from the start that my husband was the one God wanted me to marrry and God confirmed this within a week by giving me a specific word. My husband said he also knew straight away that I was Gods chocie for him.
My Son also said the same. he just knew inside that God was saying to him "she is the one for you son", and she is.
God has ways of telling us things and leading us the the one he has for us and doesnt need loads of family members to do it for him. We often mess things up by trying to do Gods work for him.
 

[dallasapple]

On the contrary. I knew from the start that my husband was the one God wanted me to marrry and God confirmed this within a week by giving me a specific word. My husband said he also knew straight away that I was Gods chocie for him.
My Son also said the same. he just knew inside that God was saying to him "she is the one for you son", and she is.
God has ways of telling us things and leading us the the one he has for us and doesnt need loads of family members to do it for him. We often mess things up by trying to do Gods work for him.
 

What Im saying is that someone who is in an arranged or potentially arranged marriage doesnt NOT ALSO just "know inside" that God had a hand in it.Or that it is Gods choice for them.

People meet in all kinds of ways..and its Gods doing.What you are saying is if the parents have any input(or arrange a meeting) it CAN NOT be from God.

I disagree.

[BAH-BLAH]

God may well have given you "a word".
I dont know

Ive seen a big ole ton a stuff go very very wrong based on God giving someone "a word".

Its always good after the fact that things work out to go back and see if yes, there was or wasnt a word...and again, maybe you DID have it, Im not saying it doesnt happen.

There are the fleeces we can put out to test it, I guess, and all sorts of Biblical vetting we can do. None of that has anything to say about the arranged marriages. Stating how YOURS worked doesnt speak to THEIRS