Author Topic: Asking for any shared experiences  (Read 3857 times)

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Offline Serenity432001

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Asking for any shared experiences
« on: Sun Jul 02, 2006 - 18:28:57 »
Hello to my GCM family,   I know this "problem" may seem minor but its becoming more and more serious for my marriage and I would just like some shared experiences, strenghts and hopes if anyone has any.   Anyway, heres the deal---My husbands job has transferred him about 3 hours away from where we now live.  He pretty much has to go as far as our finances are concerned.  We've known for a few months that he would be working there full time by now and have to make some major decisions.  This means that we have to put our house up for sale,  I have to quit my job and move away from my friends, support goups, family including my new granddaughter.   He is staying with a co-worker and I am staying here untill the house sells.  We just now have put it on the market because we had lots of work to do.  It was listed just yesterday.  I was actually relieved we finally got it looking good and ready.  He left just a few minutes ago to go back and I just tried to talk to him about how I was feeling and it didn't go well.  He feels I'm just feeling sorry for myself and acting like I'm the only one who has ever had to leave their family and not being grateful for what I do have.  And, in all honesty, I know he is right.   I guess I just need to grow up, trust God and be grateful.  I may have should put this in the prayer section because I guess that's what I really need.  I am being a victim, aren't I?  I honestly want to quit that and not sure why I continue to do that.  I know better but just keep doing it so please pray for me that I will somehow stop that sick behaviour and learn to lean on God and trust Him more.

Thanks

Lisa P

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Asking for any shared experiences
« on: Sun Jul 02, 2006 - 18:28:57 »

Offline janine

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Re: Asking for any shared experiences
« Reply #1 on: Sun Jul 02, 2006 - 18:52:41 »
You are not being sick or selfish to "mourn" what you are losing, even though it seems for the best that y'all move.  It's normal and natural and probably necessary to go thru a mourning process when dear people and dear patterns are going to be put out of reach.  Or at least made harder to reach.

I moved over 1,000 miles away from "Home" and family because of the "Oil Bust" of the 1980's.

Closest family was Mike's paternal grandma and one paternal aunt and her family about 2 hours away, and we didn't see them often because we didn't always have the time (work) or transportation for it.

We left behind old folks and familiar lands, communities, events, schools, churches.  My paternal grandfather died while I was up there -- I wasn't able to come "down home" to help my grandmother in his final illness, I couldn't even make the funeral.

I never really settled in there fully -- I even went so far as to realize that down here in Louisiana, should "the worst" happen and I find myself and my children homeless and hungry -- I know what is edible in the swamps!  I know the slow-moving animals and I know how to build a little house of palmetto thatch!  Up there in the Midwest I didn't know all that stuff.

But on the other side of the coin, I made some lifelong church friends up there.  I discovered a very nice little city with all sorts of cultural stuff going on, some of it similar to Home and thus comforting, and some of it all exotically different and fun to take part in.  I delivered my fourth child up there and at least brought him back with me when I returned -- see, there was some profit in the move!

I guess what I am trying to say is this -- we have a lot of technology at our command to maintain all sorts of contacts with loved ones we can't see every day.  We also can save up and make arrangements to go and see them on a fairly regular basis, when we live as close as you will.

So do not despair because of the move.

See what you can do to find the beauty of place, of people, in the community where you're going.

One thing I wish for you is that your husband begin to learn that a woman usually just wants to be held and commiserated with when she feels like you do -- you weren't asking for him to solve your problems or make it suddenly all better, so he needn't have felt threatened or alone because he was powerless to help you -- or that you needed to catch a grip -- or whatever was in his head that made him react to you that way.

And isn't it awful, the way we let stuff slide around the house, we always let the "urgent" outweigh the "important",  so that when it comes time for important company in the home, or when it comes time to move away, then we flurry around fixing all those "honey-do's"!   ::blushing::

Offline Serenity432001

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Re: Asking for any shared experiences
« Reply #2 on: Sun Jul 02, 2006 - 19:21:03 »
Thanks Janine for your quick reply.  It was quite helpful.  My husband just called and I think what upset him the most is I started the conversation right before he was to leave.   You are exacltly right though all I wanted was for him to say he loved me and we will be okay.  When he called he told me that my hesitance about not wanting to move made him feel like all my other connections were more important than my connection with him and he also told me that his connection with me was the most important one he had and that is why he does want me to move as soon as the house sells.  Which of course, was very nice to hear.  I do love him and I know he loves me.  I know that life is change but that doesn't mean I always do well with change. 

You are also right on about waiting to do all the honey-dos'---Another reason I'm sad.  My house looks so good--better than it ever did the 9 years we've lived here but my realtor told me that most people do not live the same way they live when they are selling so I guess I'm not alone in that either.  I do hope to do better at my new place and hopefully will be able to since it will just be me and him.  I got the empty nest thing all at the same time with my son joining the air force and my daughter having a baby & getting married all  within months of each other and truth be known that is probably added to what I'm feeling about moving.  Thanks again for your shared experience.  I feel much better already.  God is good and you're not so bad yourself!

Love

Lisa p

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Re: Asking for any shared experiences
« Reply #2 on: Sun Jul 02, 2006 - 19:21:03 »

ConnieLard

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Re: Asking for any shared experiences
« Reply #3 on: Sun Jul 02, 2006 - 21:16:56 »
 ::groupprayer::

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Re: Asking for any shared experiences
« Reply #3 on: Sun Jul 02, 2006 - 21:16:56 »

HRoberson

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Re: Asking for any shared experiences
« Reply #4 on: Mon Jul 03, 2006 - 16:14:33 »
Mourning a loss is an appropriate thing to do. There are a couple things to keep in mind:

a. your husband is a male
b. he thinks his job is to support you financially
c. there's likely nothing he thinks he can do to "fix" this

He already knows you don't like the move; when you bring it up he likely thinks you want him to fix it. He knows he can't so your expecting him to puts him in a corner (from his view).

If you want to talk with him, find an appropriate time and preface your comments with "I don't want you to fix this; just listen to me." He will feel odd and a bit foolish at first. Don't make any demands and don't use the word "you." Do include comments like "I know there's nothing we can do about this" and "I'm just going to miss our home and our friends."

Throw in some well-timed comments like "I'm with you," and "I know we're gonna make this work."

He'll listen - probably.  ::nodding::

HR

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Re: Asking for any shared experiences
« Reply #4 on: Mon Jul 03, 2006 - 16:14:33 »



Offline janine

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Re: Asking for any shared experiences
« Reply #5 on: Mon Jul 03, 2006 - 19:10:53 »
Sometimes I feel like a manipulative -- erm -- witch.  The way I have to pick the time and the place and just exactly the perfect right words to get my man to understand me!

Sheesh!  I am glad God isn't a man.  Somewhat masculine perhaps, but not male.

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Re: Asking for any shared experiences
« Reply #5 on: Mon Jul 03, 2006 - 19:10:53 »

Offline Bon Voyage

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Re: Asking for any shared experiences
« Reply #6 on: Mon Jul 03, 2006 - 19:29:57 »
To add to the other advice, make sure the TV isn't on.

ConnieLard

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Re: Asking for any shared experiences
« Reply #7 on: Mon Jul 03, 2006 - 22:03:13 »
or his ham radio! ::smile::

Offline memmy

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Re: Asking for any shared experiences
« Reply #8 on: Mon Jul 03, 2006 - 22:27:17 »
I couldn't add anything else to this good advice Serenity.

I am sorry I just now saw this thread though.

I know you will be fine, but don't feel bad about feeling bad. It is a natural thing.

HR is so right, he has the "man thing" pegged! Janine really gave some great advice as well.

My neice and her family just went through this too, actually she is at her old house by herself this week so that her middle child can go to church camp one last time with her friends. The rest of the family moved 3 and a half hours from their home. My neice, their wife and Mom, is sleeping on an air mattress with nothing else left in the house so she can do that.
Her husband is the new children's Pastor at this new church they will go to.

It's been tough on her as well.

You are not alone Serenity.  ::groupprayer::

I am keeping you in prayer too.

Actually, just think, when you get to your new place all snug as a bug, you can turn on your computer and all your online church family will be right there again waiting for you.

I hope this helped some anyways. I can't say I have ever had to experience this though, exactly.

Hugs and many Blessings to you and yours,

 ::hug:: Memmy

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Re: Asking for any shared experiences
« Reply #8 on: Mon Jul 03, 2006 - 22:27:17 »

Offline Serenity432001

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Re: Asking for any shared experiences
« Reply #9 on: Mon Jul 03, 2006 - 23:35:03 »
Thanks all for the great advice and well wishes and Memmy, your right I will still have my GCM family which is very much a comfort---Thank you all!

Offline janine

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Re: Asking for any shared experiences
« Reply #10 on: Tue Jul 04, 2006 - 09:36:51 »
Yeah, you couldn't escape us, even if you went to Outer Mongolia.  Or Newark.

Offline WileyClarkson

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Re: Asking for any shared experiences
« Reply #11 on: Wed Jul 05, 2006 - 22:55:09 »
Connie,

Quote
or his ham radio!

Is that the voice of experience speaking?  ::whistle::

ConnieLard

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Re: Asking for any shared experiences
« Reply #12 on: Thu Jul 06, 2006 - 01:58:08 »
I know her husband. ::listeningtomusic::

Offline Serenity432001

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Re: Asking for any shared experiences
« Reply #13 on: Thu Jul 06, 2006 - 11:35:25 »
The ham radio is my toughest competition! ::smile::

Offline janine

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Re: Asking for any shared experiences
« Reply #14 on: Thu Jul 06, 2006 - 22:39:51 »
Put an antenna on your head and walk around naked calling out numbers.

Offline Serenity432001

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Re: Asking for any shared experiences
« Reply #15 on: Fri Jul 07, 2006 - 08:18:36 »
 rofl

Offline WileyClarkson

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Re: Asking for any shared experiences
« Reply #16 on: Fri Jul 07, 2006 - 20:34:42 »
If you can't beat them, join them!  The ham radio test is easy and the fact that you can now communicate in a mode that he loves will do wonders for your relationship! 

Offline WileyClarkson

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Re: Asking for any shared experiences
« Reply #17 on: Fri Jul 07, 2006 - 20:39:06 »
Janine,

I'd do that if it would get my wife interested in ham radio!   ::blushing::    rofl

Offline Serenity432001

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Re: Asking for any shared experiences
« Reply #18 on: Sat Jul 08, 2006 - 07:49:48 »
Wiley,  I actually started to study for the test at one time and I do go with him to the ham fests but, I'm sorry to say, I'm soooooooooooo bored.  All they ever say to each other is how good they sound--my opinion.  His opinion, of course, is it is so much more than that and I have this feeling that you'll agree with him ::smile::

Offline Serenity432001

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Re: Asking for any shared experiences
« Reply #19 on: Sat Jul 08, 2006 - 08:02:19 »
Hello Everyone,  I thought I'd use this thread to give an update on my moving situation.  We listed our house sat., July 1st and a sign went up in the yard.  Due to the 4th of july holiday the office was closed until wed., July 5th on thurs the 6th a couple looked at the house & on fri the 7th another couple looked at the house at 5:30pm.  At 6:00pm on that same day--yesterday I was told by my realtor that she had 2 offers to present to me and at 7:30 I agreed to one and we now have a contract on the house that I'm VERY pleased with.  It's really blown my mind that it happened that fast.  I just praise God and give Him all the glory!

I now have some decisions to make as far as do I immediatly give a notice at work or do I just ask for some time off when needed and then live with my mom for a few months and continue to work here till we see how things go.  I just talked to my husband and his preference is for me to give a notice once we are pretty sure all will go through but he's been very supportive and understands if I want to do the other and told me it is up to me.   I'd like to ask for continued prayers that all will go well with sell of the house.  The couple has already been pre-approved for a loan for that amount and they are just renting so they have no house to sell first which is great.  If all goes well, closing is set for August 7th.   

Thanks to all of you for your compassion and humor.  I love you all!!

Lisa P

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Re: Asking for any shared experiences
« Reply #20 on: Sat Jul 08, 2006 - 08:29:19 »
 ::clappingoverhead:: ::clappingoverhead::

I am so happy for you Lisa!!

You are right God is good!

I hope and pray all goes very smoothly, just as smoothly as the whole process has gone so far.

Hugs and Blessings, Memmy  ::hug::

Offline Serenity432001

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Re: Asking for any shared experiences
« Reply #21 on: Sat Jul 15, 2006 - 19:38:52 »
Thought I'd give another update.  I'm going to Nashville Tues to look at houses with my husband and I'm starting to feel much better about moving.  The fact that my job drove me crazy last week is helping make it easier to leave that ::smile::plus I really do feel like if I do want to go to work right away I should be able to find a job.  One of the sweet posters here pm'd me to say she'd move heaven and earth to be with her husband & I won't break her anonymity but I hope she doesn't mind that I share that without giving her name.  Anyway, that just really meant a lot to me and the more I think about it I really do want to be with him ASAP.  I'd like to ask for continued prayers that our house sell goes through without complication and that we find something affordable.

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Re: Asking for any shared experiences
« Reply #22 on: Sat Jul 15, 2006 - 20:55:07 »
I'd move heaven and Earth to get my husband to move to Nashville...

Hah!

Seriously, it all looks good -- I would likely wait until the house sale was locked up tight then give notice, but that's just me.

I'm so glad things are rollilng for you.

Offline Serenity432001

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Re: Asking for any shared experiences
« Reply #23 on: Sat Jul 15, 2006 - 21:31:49 »
The only problem with that is it isn't really locked up tight till check in hand and that's closing date and I'm going to need off immediatley after that and I want to give a 2 week notice at least.  Our closing date is tentivley set for August 7th and its looking good that will happen then so I think I'm pretty safe.  I've been there 15 years so I do plan to talk to someone before I actually give notice to see if they will work with me if the closing falls through.  I plan to do that monday morning.  Part of me would just love to play the record, Take this job and shove it!   BUT, my daddy taught me better--thank goodness ::smile::