Author Topic: at the end of myself, need hope  (Read 1775 times)

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Offline inHisWill

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at the end of myself, need hope
« on: December 02, 2011, 09:11:12 PM »
I'm new to this forum.  I've been looking for a place to get advice where I could be anonymous.  I've been married for almost 8 years and have 2 boys age 2 and 5.  Overall I'm exhausted.  I work full time, and am expected to take care of most of the house and childcare.  My husband got a degree for which there are no jobs in the area.  He is trying to do his own business in the summer and a different one in the winter.  The one in the winter has made only a few hundred dollars total for the past 2 going on 3 winters.  The one in the summer is not enough to sustain us.  He has a lot of good excuses and plans, but I don't believe him anymore.  we will be bankrupt in a month and a half, and he sees no need to get a job.  He feels I'm nagging him and not trusting him.  I've been praying for so long for things to change.  I've been at the end of myself and really drawing near to God over the past 6 months.  I know it is not in His Will to get a divorce, but I struggle with not wanting to be with my husband.  It's hard to say that.  I do love him. I just want God's will for his life and for him to take some of the burden.  I've gone to counseling, and my pastor wants to have an intervention with him.  I think my husband would shut down with this and be driven farther away.  I've asked him to go to counseling, but he sees no need and thinks we're doing fine.  I've been pretty open with him (except the struggling with wanting to be with him part).  It's frustrating because it feels like he has no idea where I'm coming from.  It seems it should be obvious to him that things need to change.  Any wisdom would be appreciated...

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at the end of myself, need hope
« on: December 02, 2011, 09:11:12 PM »

Offline anx

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Re: at the end of myself, need hope
« Reply #1 on: December 02, 2011, 10:24:18 PM »
Have an innervention with him even if its just your pastor and you. What happens next is his responsibility. He can either

1) continue to act like this or get even worse / more withdrawn
2) change

You marriage doesn't work if he continues to act like this. This isn't ok.

Men can change. It does happen. There are many stories on this forum and others were men and women hide behind insecurities, lies they tell themselves, and whatever else.

Get him in front of your pastor or have the intervention.
« Last Edit: December 02, 2011, 10:34:24 PM by anx »

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Re: at the end of myself, need hope
« Reply #1 on: December 02, 2011, 10:24:18 PM »

larry2

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Re: at the end of myself, need hope
« Reply #2 on: December 02, 2011, 10:38:13 PM »
Dear sister in Christ, there are no easy answers to the trials of our faith such as you find you in, but we can without doubt believe the word of God that He will make the way of deliverance with it.

1 Corinthians 10:13  There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it, and I know that this is easier said than done but that's where our faith comes into play.

Knowing that in Romans 8:28 we're told, And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. Father, I'm ready to faint in the mess I find me in and You're telling me it is for my good?

You did say in your post that you wants God's will, but does God really want me to feel this way? Evidently, for as Paul our test pilot in these things said in Philippians 3:8  ". . I count all things but loss for the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord: for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and do count them but dung, that I may win Christ." And this does not refer to winning his salvation; he is wanting the best God has to offer him.

We are being conformed into the very image of our Savior and the work is hard, but the rewards great. Don't bail out on your very training in the purpose of God's will for you in the very thing He has ordered just for you. At this time I have no idea what He has for your husband, but God is not slack in His love for him either.

Life itself is confusing until we just trust that God loved us enough to send His Son to die for us when we were enemies in the world, but what do you think He thinks of us now that He sees only His Son Jesus in us? Oh, there's that wonderful child of Mine I want to make a joint-heir with My Son; glory to God, and He's carrying you at this time through the hard times of your life, or you wouldn't even be here; none of us would be. I have marriage seminars that may truly help if you want them to possibly share with your husband posted on these forums at the following link. Each link is about two pages in length.
http://www.gracecentered.com/christian_forums/christian-marriage-forum/marriage-seminar-links/

Dear Father, this dear sister is at the end of her rope in the trials You have allowed, and I ask that You ease the burden she is under. Please provide their necessity as You will, and encourage her husband to aid her in her task. Thank You Father for hearing me tonight, and bless this family as only You can in Jesus' precious name. Amen.

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Re: at the end of myself, need hope
« Reply #2 on: December 02, 2011, 10:38:13 PM »

Offline TJW

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Re: at the end of myself, need hope
« Reply #3 on: December 03, 2011, 04:59:24 AM »
Quote
Have an innervention with him even if its just your pastor and you. What happens next is his responsibility.

I agree with this method.  This is in keeping with the words of our Lord Jesus recorded in Matthew 18:15-17.

And, make sure your husband knows that you are prepared to"treat him as an heathen man and a publican" if he, within 1 month, still has no substantial income.

Many of us suffer through working at jobs which are not in accordance with our desired career paths.  Even for years, and decades, because we have RESPONSIBILITIES which must be put first.

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Re: at the end of myself, need hope
« Reply #3 on: December 03, 2011, 04:59:24 AM »

Offline johndoo

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Re: at the end of myself, need hope
« Reply #4 on: December 03, 2011, 06:45:37 AM »
Your husband is being lazy and passive-aggressive. 
The passive-aggressive person is very hard to deal with.  They can be blind to their own behavior, how they hurt others, and don't fulfill expectations. 
Nonetheless, you are right, we are to work to preserve our marriages.  Please accept help from your pastor and whoever else wants to confront your husband about his issues.  Because he isn't going to change on his own.

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Re: at the end of myself, need hope
« Reply #4 on: December 03, 2011, 06:45:37 AM »



Offline epiphanius

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Re: at the end of myself, need hope
« Reply #5 on: December 05, 2011, 04:09:24 PM »
My husband got a degree for which there are no jobs in the area.  He is trying to do his own business in the summer and a different one in the winter.  The one in the winter has made only a few hundred dollars total for the past 2 going on 3 winters.  The one in the summer is not enough to sustain us.  He has a lot of good excuses and plans, but I don't believe him anymore.  we will be bankrupt in a month and a half, and he sees no need to get a job.  He feels I'm nagging him and not trusting him. 
inHisWill,

One thing that seems apparent to me is that these businesses represent your husband's dream. It's important to understand that a man can become desperate if he feels that his dream is being taken away from him. (Furthermore, it is likely that he sees this tenacious pursuit of his dream as the best way for him to show his love for you.)

I agree that he probably needs to set these businesses aside and work a job for a while, but the truth is that he probably knows this, and he probably also knows that if he lets go now, his chances of picking up again in the future are severely diminished. This is a tough reality to face, to say the least.

The problem is that he is probably going to have to fall on his face--really hard--before he realizes that he has to do something different. Having to declare bankruptcy might do the trick, but then again, it might not.

For this reason, I suggest considering a trial separation, especially if he's been living off your income. These usually work best if moderated by a competent third party, such as your pastor or a marriage counselor. He/she will be able to help you make living arranngements, as well as setting the terms for the trial separation.

The good thing about this kind of arrangement is that your husband will know exactly where he stands; you're not trying to "find yourself," or "decide whether or not you want him back." Rather, the door is wide open for him once the pre-defined terms have been met, and this is all made clear up front.

May God bless you and your husband, and may whatever choice you make bring the fruit of a renewed marriage!

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Re: at the end of myself, need hope
« Reply #5 on: December 05, 2011, 04:09:24 PM »

Offline inHisWill

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Re: at the end of myself, need hope
« Reply #6 on: December 05, 2011, 06:03:40 PM »
I appreciate all the responses.  There is a lot of truth in them.  The hard thing is discerning the exact right approach.  I want to hear what God is saying and honor Him.  I just am worried about going about things the wrong way.  I am very much at the end of myself physically, mentally, and emotionally.  I can't control/predict my husband's reaction, and that's hard.  I know my motives are good, but he may not see it that way, and may distance himself more.  A trial separation he may feel I've been disloyal and may choose to close himself off(maybe for good).  I talked with my pastor again last weekend.  He continues to feel that an intervention starting small and getting bigger may be the best way to go.  I'm hoping my husband can hear what he needs to from an objective voice.  As of this weekend he still doesn't see the need for counseling.  I appreciate the prayers!

Offline chosenone

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Re: at the end of myself, need hope
« Reply #7 on: December 14, 2011, 09:22:07 PM »
Vianca she has no reason according to God  to end her marriage.God wants marriages to survice unless there are serious reasons such as sexual immorality. God never mentions that we can leave a marriage just because it is hard work, or because we arent 'happy'.