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Offline tryingdad

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Can a cheater every marry again?
« on: Sat May 04, 2019 - 08:51:32 »
Say a man enters a marriage where he is continually denied sexual relations and intimacy for years. Sure, there are times they are close sexually. But in the norm it's cold and sexless.
The wife is clearly married to her career. The husband battles certain sins such as viewing things online. Eventually, he gives in to serious sin and gets certain sexual sins done to him at massage places.... Does this too many times. Always regretful.
Finds out wife has been having some sort of emotional affair with boss. Refuses therapy. Finds out later she's been lying to him about where she was... she was with him but helping out... nothing sexual. Refuses to leave job.
In the end if the husband gets a divorce would he be able to remarry given he sinned? But his sin was out of weakness due to the wife not upholding her marriage vow and he not being sure of her faithfulness.

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Can a cheater every marry again?
« on: Sat May 04, 2019 - 08:51:32 »

Offline chosenone

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Re: Can a cheater every marry again?
« Reply #1 on: Sat May 04, 2019 - 10:35:22 »
This is one of this situations where I am just not sure. I have spent time studying this subject in the past and praying about it, and I am sure that the innocent party in a divorce, say someone who is cheated on or abandoned or whatever can remarry but am not yet convinced that the one who sinned sexually can.

In our case neither of our ex partners has remarried(or even has a partner right now as far as we know) after more than 19 years of my marriage ending and 14 in his.

What I do think is that the man in the above story needs to stop trying to justify what he did by blaming the wife. Taking full responsibility for our sins and being fully repentant is surely the first step. We all like to blame others for our wrongdoings don't we, but I don't think that washes with God. Yes she didn't act well, but that is for her to sort out with God. Its no excuse, after all many people do without sex in marriage for all sort of reasons such as illness, disability, old age etc 

Being that he is still married, then I would suggest some good Biblical marriage counselling for both of them. I don't see that he has reason to end a marriage, and if he has already met another lady who he wants to marry then he needs to stop seeing her and concentrate on what has gone wrong with the marriage. Also you would both need to come clean about what you have been doing. God can do miracles if both are willing to try hard and open up to each other. Pray for your marriage and get others to pray as well.

If she divorces him and he is fully repentant and stops the porn and massage parlour visits then I guess praying to God about whether He wants him to marry again at some point is the next step. Even if he is ok with it then you need to find a suitable lady. You would also need to be honest with her in my view, you can't start a marriage with lies.
Most people also advise that you wait some time after one marriage ends before you marry again.
 Jim Smoke who has counselled many divorcing and divorced people and who started up the divorce recovery workshops,  advises 2-5 years after the divorce before dating again. 

 
« Last Edit: Sun May 05, 2019 - 07:58:23 by chosenone »

Offline tryingdad

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Re: Can a cheater every marry again?
« Reply #2 on: Sun May 05, 2019 - 02:56:31 »
Thanks for your response. I'm perplexed. I'm confused. I am distraught. I don't want to be condemned. I probably will never marry again if I divorce because I am older and the chances of finding someone normal and nice are growing slimmer. I just wish I could turn off the sex drive.

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Re: Can a cheater every marry again?
« Reply #2 on: Sun May 05, 2019 - 02:56:31 »

Offline chosenone

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Re: Can a cheater every marry again?
« Reply #3 on: Sun May 05, 2019 - 03:50:19 »
Thanks for your response. I'm perplexed. I'm confused. I am distraught. I don't want to be condemned. I probably will never marry again if I divorce because I am older and the chances of finding someone normal and nice are growing slimmer. I just wish I could turn off the sex drive.


Men are far more likely to find a Christian wife than visa versa, simply because there are far less men in the church.
I met my second husband when we were in our late 40's. I feel blessed because there are so few available men of that sort of age in the church or on Christian dating sites. 

Please try and get some good marriage counselling. IF you can make things better in the marriage the sex may improve. Your wife is disobeying God by withholding sex.
Have you spoken to your pastor or an older mature male Christian in the church about this situation?

Does you wife know how desperate you are? I think you need to tell her how deeply unhappy you are and how close you are to ending the marriage.

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Re: Can a cheater every marry again?
« Reply #3 on: Sun May 05, 2019 - 03:50:19 »

Offline RB

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Re: Can a cheater every marry again?
« Reply #4 on: Sun May 05, 2019 - 04:43:38 »
Say a man enters a marriage where he is continually denied sexual relations and intimacy for years. Sure, there are times they are close sexually. But in the norm it's cold and sexless.
The marriage that God ordained is one man and one woman for life that's the law of marriage from the beginning.
Quote from: JESUS CHRIST
Matthew 19:3-8~"The Pharisees also came unto him, tempting him, and saying unto him, Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife for every cause? And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female, And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. They say unto him, Why did Moses then command to give a writing of divorcement, and to put her away? He saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so."
Jesus clearly said that what God has JOINED TOGETHER let not MAN put asunder. Now, the Pharisees asked him why did Moses then give certain laws of commands concerning putting away one's WIFE ~Jesus said because of the hardness of your hearts Moses allow them to do so. SO BEFORE sin entered this world God's will was NO DIVORCE PERIOD. Since the fall of man, every man is born with a heart unlike Adam and Eve had BEFORE the sin entered, since the fall, God gave ONLY one law for divorce and the remarry~the sin of fornication, which sin takes in MANY sexual sins, the list is long. Denying one's spouse of sex would be INCLUDED in fornication. Women can have a sexual emotional affair~if anyone believes otherwise, then WHY all the very explicit sexual romance books out on the world's market that women do read and fantasize/lust over.
Quote from: tryingdad on: Yesterday at 08:51:32
The husband battles certain sins such as viewing things online. Eventually, he gives in to serious sin and gets certain sexual sins done to him at massage places.... Does this too many times.
Your sin is your on, NOT your wife's. Her sins do not justify your sins. You sin because you wanted to, let us be honest. Sin is in your members, and ONLY faith and the fear of God allows us to overcome sins that are IN US.
Quote from: tryingdad on: Yesterday at 08:51:32
Can a cheater every marry again?
You both can be forgiven and make your marriage work, and even if it's too late, you BOTH can be forgiven.

The law of marriage per OT and NT is different between a man and women. A man CAN have more than one living wife at a times, as long as he does NOT take a woman with a LIVING Husband~ whereas, a woman CANNOT and still be free of adultery.  I would say, biblically you CAN remarry a woman who DOES NOT have a living husband and not be sinning according to the word of God.
Quote from: Chosenone on: Yesterday at 10:35:22
Jim Smoke who has counselled many divorcing and divorced people and who started up the divorce recovery workshops,  advises 2-5 years after the divorce before dating again. 
And in the meantime, what is a man suppose to do?  Visit massage parlor, and look at porn? David did not wait very long to find him another wife ONCE Michal begin to despise David's Lordship over her and others and once she closed her legs. Read it beginning in 1st Samuel 18. 

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Re: Can a cheater every marry again?
« Reply #4 on: Sun May 05, 2019 - 04:43:38 »



Offline tryingdad

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Re: Can a cheater every marry again?
« Reply #5 on: Sun May 05, 2019 - 07:10:29 »
My wife has been trying to have sex with me. She experienced pain after having a child along with her age. After years of resisting she did go to a doctor and got treatment. We were close sexually, even thought that closeness was not frequently enough for me. But I did love that time together. And it's amazing, because once we were together sexually my own emotional and mental state took on a different vibe. I no longer was obsessed with wanting sex as much. I realized that sex was really about the closeness between a husband and a wife.

Since then, we have drifted apart again. She has not been feeling well. Someone in her family became ill. This is all understandable for not being close. But then we started arguing. I refuse to apologize any longer if I don't think I am wrong. And after he giving me the silent treatment for days on end... well been there done that.

And why should I continue to feel not attractive by her comments.... Why should I beg for scraps of sex all these years.

I have cheated as a means of dealing with this all. And I hate myself for it. Porn, massage parlors. So filthy and disgusting!!
I thought I was over her lies about where she was by actually being with her boss when, she makes sure I don't have the passwords to her computer.
We seriously need marriage counseling.

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Re: Can a cheater every marry again?
« Reply #5 on: Sun May 05, 2019 - 07:10:29 »

Offline chosenone

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Re: Can a cheater every marry again?
« Reply #6 on: Sun May 05, 2019 - 07:42:24 »
The marriage that God ordained is one man and one woman for life that's the law of marriage from the beginning. Jesus clearly said that what God has JOINED TOGETHER let not MAN put asunder. Now, the Pharisees asked him why did Moses then give certain laws of commands concerning putting away one's WIFE ~Jesus said because of the hardness of your hearts Moses allow them to do so. SO BEFORE sin entered this world God's will was NO DIVORCE PERIOD. Since the fall of man, every man is born with a heart unlike Adam and Eve had BEFORE the sin entered, since the fall, God gave ONLY one law for divorce and the remarry~the sin of fornication, which sin takes in MANY sexual sins, the list is long. Denying one's spouse of sex would be INCLUDED in fornication. Women can have a sexual emotional affair~if anyone believes otherwise, then WHY all the very explicit sexual romance books out on the world's market that women do read and fantasize/lust over. Your sin is your on, NOT your wife's. Her sins do not justify your sins. You sin because you wanted to, let us be honest. Sin is in your members, and ONLY faith and the fear of God allows us to overcome sins that are IN US. You both can be forgiven and make your marriage work, and even if it's too late, you BOTH can be forgiven.

The law of marriage per OT and NT is different between a man and women. A man CAN have more than one living wife at a times, as long as he does NOT take a woman with a LIVING Husband~ whereas, a woman CANNOT and still be free of adultery.  I would say, biblically you CAN remarry a woman who DOES NOT have a living husband and not be sinning according to the word of God. And in the meantime, what is a man suppose to do?  Visit massage parlor, and look at porn? David did not wait very long to find him another wife ONCE Michal begin to despise David's Lordship over her and others and once she closed her legs. Read it beginning in 1st Samuel 18.

I am just telling you what a Christian man who has counselled thousands of divorced people says. He has seen many people rush into second marriages and soon after get divorced again. People need time to heal and reflect and forgive and take stock of what went wrong. David is hardly an example for us in marriage, we are not free to have multiple wives or husbands and he was an adulterer.   

You claim that women are not permitted to marry again after a divorce, so what do you suggest they do sexually? You are concerned that a man cant possibly survive for a couple of years with no wife, yet you are happy to condemn a women to have no sex for the rest of her life. Of course I don't agree with this, if the man is divorced, then so is the woman. If her husband was the guilty party, then she is definitely free to marry again if God blesses her with another spouse.
« Last Edit: Sun May 05, 2019 - 07:59:49 by chosenone »

Offline chosenone

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Re: Can a cheater every marry again?
« Reply #7 on: Sun May 05, 2019 - 07:44:51 »
My wife has been trying to have sex with me. She experienced pain after having a child along with her age. After years of resisting she did go to a doctor and got treatment. We were close sexually, even thought that closeness was not frequently enough for me. But I did love that time together. And it's amazing, because once we were together sexually my own emotional and mental state took on a different vibe. I no longer was obsessed with wanting sex as much. I realized that sex was really about the closeness between a husband and a wife.

Since then, we have drifted apart again. She has not been feeling well. Someone in her family became ill. This is all understandable for not being close. But then we started arguing. I refuse to apologize any longer if I don't think I am wrong. And after he giving me the silent treatment for days on end... well been there done that.

And why should I continue to feel not attractive by her comments.... Why should I beg for scraps of sex all these years.

I have cheated as a means of dealing with this all. And I hate myself for it. Porn, massage parlors. So filthy and disgusting!!
I thought I was over her lies about where she was by actually being with her boss when, she makes sure I don't have the passwords to her computer.
We seriously need marriage counseling.

I honestly think that you must sit her down and have a heart to heart. Tell her of your deep unhappiness and that you are nearly at the point of wanting to end the marriage. Be open, be honest and lay all your cards on the table. Its not too late if you both work at the marriage and get some good counselling.

Offline RB

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Re: Can a cheater every marry again?
« Reply #8 on: Sun May 05, 2019 - 08:11:35 »
You claim that women are not permitted to marry again after a divorce, so what do you suggest they do sexually?
I did NOT say that women cannot remarry, that's what you read into my post. What I said was that the law of marriage between men and women are NOT the same. A man CAN have more than one wife, whereas a woman cannot WHILE her first husband is still living EXCEPT for the cause of fornication, then SHE CAN. A man can have MORE than one living wife at a time, EXCEPT he CANNOT take a woman who has a living husband, UNLESS, she divorces him on the grounds of FORNICATION, the ONLY ground for divorce.

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Re: Can a cheater every marry again?
« Reply #8 on: Sun May 05, 2019 - 08:11:35 »

Offline tryingdad

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Re: Can a cheater every marry again?
« Reply #9 on: Mon May 06, 2019 - 06:11:26 »
So back to my original question.... What should I do?
My wife has lied to be about being with her boss. Claims she was helping him with medical issues.
I cheated many times by going to massage parlors.

Offline mommydi

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Re: Can a cheater every marry again?
« Reply #10 on: Mon May 06, 2019 - 09:32:06 »
So back to my original question.... What should I do?
My wife has lied to be about being with her boss. Claims she was helping him with medical issues.
I cheated many times by going to massage parlors.

What should you do? That's up to you, but I'm just amazed you'd come to a Christian message board and admit you spent your marriage with "many" prostitutes - then ask for an A-OK to dump wife over a lie and marry a "nice" girl.  ::shrug::

Offline RB

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Re: Can a cheater every marry again?
« Reply #11 on: Mon May 06, 2019 - 09:48:36 »
What should you do? That's up to you, but I'm just amazed you'd come to a Christian message board and admit you spent your marriage with "many" prostitutes - then ask for an A-OK to dump wife over a lie and marry a "nice" girl.  ::shrug::
+1

Offline RB

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Re: Can a cheater every marry again?
« Reply #12 on: Mon May 06, 2019 - 09:53:51 »
So back to my original question.... What should I do?
My wife has lied to be about being with her boss. Claims she was helping him with medical issues. I cheated many times by going to massage parlors.

I do not think you really desire to follow the word of God, you are looking for someone (IF you are not playing games with us just to see how believers think) to say that your wicked sins were not wicked~and that your wife is a dog for treating you the way she has.

Offline chosenone

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Re: Can a cheater every marry again?
« Reply #13 on: Mon May 06, 2019 - 15:36:26 »
So back to my original question.... What should I do?
My wife has lied to be about being with her boss. Claims she was helping him with medical issues.
I cheated many times by going to massage parlors.


Its very possible that she has something going on with her boss, it does sound suspicious. I think the two of you need to communicate and be honest as I said before. You are both deceiving the other and lying about what you have done. What sort of marriage is it if you cheat and then hide what you have done? Part of repentance is telling the one who have wronged.
I hope you will both be honest and make the decision to work on the marriage, maybe with the help of a good marriage counsellor.

Offline tryingdad

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Re: Can a cheater every marry again?
« Reply #14 on: Tue May 07, 2019 - 19:01:19 »
+1

I'm sorry. We did not have sexual intercourse or oral sex. But we might of well have. I am very sorry. I really am.

Offline tryingdad

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Re: Can a cheater every marry again?
« Reply #15 on: Tue May 07, 2019 - 19:02:24 »


Its very possible that she has something going on with her boss, it does sound suspicious. I think the two of you need to communicate and be honest as I said before. You are both deceiving the other and lying about what you have done. What sort of marriage is it if you cheat and then hide what you have done? Part of repentance is telling the one who have wronged.
I hope you will both be honest and make the decision to work on the marriage, maybe with the help of a good marriage counsellor.

I want a peaceful loving marriage. We were there for a while. It's time to get back there.

Offline tryingdad

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Re: Can a cheater every marry again?
« Reply #16 on: Tue May 07, 2019 - 19:04:20 »


Its very possible that she has something going on with her boss, it does sound suspicious. I think the two of you need to communicate and be honest as I said before. You are both deceiving the other and lying about what you have done. What sort of marriage is it if you cheat and then hide what you have done? Part of repentance is telling the one who have wronged.
I hope you will both be honest and make the decision to work on the marriage, maybe with the help of a good marriage counsellor.

I sincerely hope she didn't cheat. The suspicions are there. But this is all a few years ago so we should finally get back to marriage counseling. My wife does NOT like to be challenged by anyone, so this might be an issue.
I am going back to church and trying to pray....

Offline Rexenm

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Re: Can a cheater every marry again?
« Reply #17 on: Mon May 20, 2019 - 04:43:06 »
My opinion, is you need to be born again. Stop grabbing that power cable. Maybe then, your sins will be seen as yeast making the bread bundle. Maybe, just get angry, instead of nice. It is a whole lot, about the opinions of others, too... And forgiveness, feels good.. ::preachit::

 

     
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