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Author Topic: Can the "Spell" be broken  (Read 3760 times)

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Offline soultide

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Can the "Spell" be broken
« on: February 18, 2010, 05:33:33 PM »
I know I have sooo many questions and concerns that I might be over "staying" my welcome.  But I do have a question that I am wondering about - and would like some input on.  My DH believes he is very much in love with someone else.  He only talks to her online at this point - but he does not think he can stop even talking to her - and that her not talking to him again scares him to death - he words not mine.  Even if he does decide to stay with me - will he ever be able to let her go.  I couldn't let her go 30 years ago which is why I am in the situation I am in.  Is in even possible to be the LOVE of his life (after God of course) or I am going to have to start NOW to get used that fact that I will always be second choice. 

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Can the "Spell" be broken
« on: February 18, 2010, 05:33:33 PM »

Offline BobsRib

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Re: Can the "Spell" be broken
« Reply #1 on: February 19, 2010, 11:07:44 AM »
I know what you are going though. It is like being destroyed on a daily basis while some people are expecting you to act like everything is normal. You need to find a true friend that you can call anytime of the day or night that will help keep you sane. Not to replace God's role as your rock, but to come along side you and provide the help that only another woman can.  God sent me a stranger that had been there and understood. We are still friends today. In fact, my husband told her that he really appreciated her being my best friend during his "crazy time". (his words now for his emotional affair)  All these questions you have are normal. Don't worry about it.  ::prayinghard::

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Re: Can the "Spell" be broken
« Reply #1 on: February 19, 2010, 11:07:44 AM »

Offline BobsRib

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Re: Can the "Spell" be broken
« Reply #2 on: February 19, 2010, 11:15:11 AM »
How did your husband and this OW part 30 years ago? Seems like someone was able to let go considering they haven't spoken in three decades!!! You can't recapture the past by destroying the present. Fight for your husband, he very well may thank you for it later. Mine did... and still does thank me for "keeping him from destroying everything he had". I am glad he feels this way but truly it wasn't my victory, it was, and is God's.

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Re: Can the "Spell" be broken
« Reply #2 on: February 19, 2010, 11:15:11 AM »

Offline soultide

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Re: Can the "Spell" be broken
« Reply #3 on: February 19, 2010, 11:26:28 AM »
The OW is someone that he had a "mad" crush in school - always loved her and she didn't see him aas anything more than a friend.  Now - she friended him on facebook and talks to him just about everyday.  She knows that this is causing big problems in the marriage - and still talks to him.  He has been carrying this for 30 years I guess.  Sometimes it's hard to see where he can let go.  But I am praying for our marriage - for my dh, and even for the OW.  And praying for Satan to be bound in our marriage and his life.  But sometimes I get discouraged and the fear and hurt threaten to choke me -

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Re: Can the "Spell" be broken
« Reply #3 on: February 19, 2010, 11:26:28 AM »

Offline ForgivenDaughter

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Re: Can the "Spell" be broken
« Reply #4 on: February 19, 2010, 11:30:33 AM »
Scrappy~
First don't worry about 'over-staying your welcome.' You are not a guest in our home, you are part of the family....we are here to help with what we can and to lend a listening ear when that's all the help we can provide....when you become obsessive we will lovingly tell you to knock it off <wink>.

When we are in the muck and mire of our sin we are so very heartless with those around us.  And we tend to be worse to those we love.  It is truly a difficult thing to be the recipient of that attitude.  

In addition to BRs suggestion of finding a female friend (or friends) to lean on during these times, do not forget to lean on God.  RayInFlorida has been suggesting to many of our brothers on the forum to find somewhere to safely yell, scream and holler at God - I think that might be helpful as well - I think he is right - it is perfectly ok to be angry and to want to vent and sometimes the best 'person' to vent to is God.  He understands and will not judge.

When my children were overwhelmed with feelings, I would sit with them on their beds and we would let out loud screams....of course my husband was home the first time and unaware we were going to do that (frankly I was too, at first) - poor guy came running to see what the problem was....any way - he got used to it and it became a very calm tool to release so much frustration and anger.  It helped them to get rid of all that stuff that was pent up in them.

As for thinking about yourself as second best - try not to - sometimes we are our own worse enemy.  Remember you are God's child - you are not second best to Him.  

As difficult as it is, try to extend grace to your husband.  He probably doesn't realize that he is in a battle with the enemy - I am not telling you that he is not responsible for his behavior - because he very much is - what I am saying is that while we are deep in the muck we are so very blinded from what we are really doing to those around us - while you continue to pray for the OW, and for your husband and your marriage, don't forget to pray for yourself and the strength and wisdom to make it through this difficult time.  Continue to reach out...


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Re: Can the "Spell" be broken
« Reply #4 on: February 19, 2010, 11:30:33 AM »



Offline soultide

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Re: Can the "Spell" be broken
« Reply #5 on: February 19, 2010, 11:42:16 AM »
FD -

You know you are right about alot of the things - the biggest one being that my DH does not think that he is under an attack from the enemy - he calls it fate.  He is not TRYING to be cruel - I know that.  As a matter of fact he knows he is hurting me deeply and but can't stop because he is so deeply involved in this "affair.  I have up and down times - in the same day.  I have not made it through a day that I have not cried - but I am not crying quite as much.  I thank all of you for being here for me and praying for and with me.  The support means alot to me.  I do have supportive sisters - who are praying with and for me too.  It's hard sometimes though to not feel like I am a burden on them.  People - even Christian sometimes get the attitude - GET OVER IT ALREADY.  Until God tells me it's over, it's not.  Thanks for your understanding - and support.

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Re: Can the "Spell" be broken
« Reply #5 on: February 19, 2010, 11:42:16 AM »

Offline BobsRib

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Re: Can the "Spell" be broken
« Reply #6 on: February 19, 2010, 04:16:15 PM »
Is the OW married? Sad part is she probably STILL sees him as only a friend.... or a diversion..... or a trip through memory lane ....or just enjoys the flattery. Not that you should tell him that. But it would be sad for him to give up all the love he has from you only to face the reality of her just playing online. Wouldn't be the first time it happened.... or the last.

Offline lightshineon

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Re: Can the "Spell" be broken
« Reply #7 on: February 20, 2010, 09:42:53 PM »
  First Jesus loves you, and your no ones left over vittles. Why is it his choice to stay with you or not? I would have kicked him and his computer out the door. How insulting for him to say, these things to you, for some used to be.  dear sister get a spine and some self worth. I do not mean to be harsh, this just makes me livid, that anyone thinks that they are just pieces of nothing, when Christ died for you. I would never play second fiddle to any woman, and neither should you.

Offline janine

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Re: Can the "Spell" be broken
« Reply #8 on: February 21, 2010, 06:02:59 AM »
A person's brain chemistry reflects it, when s/he "falls in love", or becomes infatuated with another person.  I mean, there are physical, medically measurable things about it.

And it's quite a high.  It works on the same parts of your brain that many illegal drugs do -- and some legal ones.  It feels addictive, and maybe for some people it is addictive, or it becomes that way.

It's normal, natural, and human.  God made the process a part of us all, in varying degrees, so that we'd perpetuate the race, at least.  What makes it a problem is how we handle it.  What should happen is a beautiful cycle of attraction, then comraderie, then attraction, then warm friendship, then attraction -- being attracted to our own spouse, falling in love with our spouse, all the rest of our lives together.

Your hubby could drop that lady, stop talking to her, and the desire for his next "fix" would fade away, just as with quitting a drug (or cigarettes or whatever becomes your beloved crutch).

He needs to want to do that, though.  It doesn't help if you become his policeman, cutting off his contact.  He needs to do it himself.  And at least at this point it doesn't look like he will.

There's no one pointed single answer for you.  Everyone has brought up good points.  Pray, of course; and do not believe yourself to be second-choice material.  Do nothing hasty about leaving him or making him leave -- although it could possibly come to that, if he's ever going to understand what he's doing to your marriage.

I'm serious about that brain-chemistry thing.  Similar processes happen, with different hormones and other chemicals in our brains, when we as humans take care of our pets, or small children; when we are attracted to people we actually know and can be with, or to people we have no contact with at all, like the Facebook lady.  Similar processes go on when we use various drugs, or when we look at pornography, or when we are being with and loving on our own spouse.

The process, the chemicals produced in our own bodies, is an innocent, neutral thing.  God gave these bodies to us.  It's what we do with the process that can lead us into sin and/or into hurting our loved ones.

Yes, the "spell" can be broken, because nothing is impossible with God.  But, if He does not decide to intervene, it will still wear off eventually, if something allows a break in the brain-chemical-high cycle.  Like, if Hubby chooses to stop communicating with the lady.  Or, if she dumps him.  Or, if he actually tries to go to her and be with her, and he finds out that she has aged and changed as much as he has, and they cannot ever have that fairy-tale thing he remembers from high school.

You know, he likely didn't even have "it" back then -- he's remembering a time of little responsibility and good health and youth; he's remembering his "lost love" through rose-colored glasses.

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Re: Can the "Spell" be broken
« Reply #8 on: February 21, 2010, 06:02:59 AM »

Offline soultide

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Re: Can the "Spell" be broken
« Reply #9 on: February 22, 2010, 06:41:49 AM »
In answer to Lightshineon - I have a spine, but I also love my husband and see this for what it is - an attack.  Also he did not get to a place where he "needed" someone to talk to all by himself - for 6 years he TRIED to make that person me - and I did not respond.  I have a share in this - this is not only one person "fault".  Should he have resisted - sure, is he at fault too absolutely, but this is not a cut and dry case.  I have prayed on this long and hard- hourly just about since it I discovered the problem - and I believe that praying for him and believe it or not HER along with our marriage and sticking in there and letting God work in our hearts and our lives is what He is calling me to do.  If you think that is the cowards way - let me tell to stand my ground in the gap - and pray for people who are ripping my insides out is NOT EASY.  But I have to be obedient, that does not make me spineless - it's makes me stronger in the Lord.   On a PRAISE note - I have spend most of the last 5 days praying for our marriage but even more importantly against the attack I know this - Satan took a situation and used it for his advantage.  We had a weekend filled with SLOW healing AND to my knowledge he has not talked to her for five days now - AND he made the decision himself.  He also made a few statements that show me that God IS working in his heart.  So Praise be to GOD. 

Offline ForgivenDaughter

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Re: Can the "Spell" be broken
« Reply #10 on: February 22, 2010, 10:40:40 AM »
Amen Scrappy - I am glad to hear that there has been some visible response to your prayers - stay the course - the enemy doesn't like to lose.


Offline soultide

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Re: Can the "Spell" be broken
« Reply #11 on: February 22, 2010, 11:30:38 AM »
Please continue to pray for this situation - I don't want to let my guard down and let Satan get a stronghold in my "laziness".  I know that just because he has not talked to her in 5 days that doesn't me he is DONE with her.  He has not promised me he won't talk to her and he has not told me that his feelings for her have changed.  I have not been policing him - I not ever brought her up - nor am I looking over his shoulder etc.  Not that I don't WANT to but I know it will only make it MORE exciting, if you know what I mean.  So this is only the START of a long journey.  This is not an easy experience - but I am learning so so much!  About my husband, about me and even more importantly about God.  I have my down moments - the times that I feel like I should give up and that why would he want to stay with me anyway moments.  I think that is probably normal.  But I know that I am a daughter of the Most High - and I know he hears me - even when it's just a tiny answer to a prayer - or a sense of peace that he gives me.  I do believe you are right about the "chemical" reaction in the brain, and I believe that he got attacked right it the place that would cause the strongest chemical reaction - fate - doubt it!  Please keep us in your prayers - for my husband to turn his "chemicals" in my direction and for my strength to love unconditionally and the strength to keep up this fight.

Offline Mere Nick

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Re: Can the "Spell" be broken
« Reply #12 on: February 22, 2010, 12:18:21 PM »
You're to be commended for not taking a rolling pin and laying him out as cold as a block of ice.  Hang in there.

Offline BobsRib

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Re: Can the "Spell" be broken
« Reply #13 on: February 22, 2010, 03:25:50 PM »
Make sure to maintain an active sex life during this time. Not to trick him or anythung stupid, but because sex is one of God's natural bonders. And you both need to feel the connection right now.

Offline soultide

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Re: Can the "Spell" be broken
« Reply #14 on: February 22, 2010, 07:04:15 PM »
BR -

I have been making suer he is not lacking in that here at home.