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Offline MrMojoRisin

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Caught my wife texting another man.
« on: Fri Nov 08, 2013 - 10:07:47 »
My wife of 17 years had recently re-entered the workplace. She works an odd schedule of a couple hours in the AM then off for several hours then works another couple hours in the afternoon.  She has always been very outgoing and it is one of the things i truly love about her.  So she has been making new friends and getting together with the group during the day for breakfast after the AM shift.  She also started hanging out with one particular girl at work.  Not a ton, just every once and a while she would meet her and her husband out at a bar to hang out.  She also has started to work out and diet and has lost over 60 lbs and looks just amazing.  I am so proud of how dedicated she is to get back into shape.
 
As time went on, I started to just have this feeling that something was up, then when she told me that her new friend was having a Halloween party and that she knew I probably didn't want to go.  It was a little odd, because normally she tries to talk me into going to these types of things, but this time it was almost as if she didn't want me to come.  I said something to her and she said that well if you want I can text you and see how long i'm gonna stay, and after you get the younger kids to bed you could come out and meet me.  (we have for children, two youngsters and two teenagers so we weren't abandoning our kids the older ones babysit all the time).  Later that night she texted me and asked if I was coming... I told her that I was planning on it, but had kind of settled in and wasn't sure.  I asked her how much longer she was staying and she said she wasn't sure.  That there were only a 3 people that she knew from work and blah, blah blah,  I got the impression that she wouldn't be there long enough to warranty the 20 minute drive out there.  That was the last i heard from her until she came home at 2:00am, almost 4 hours after we talked about her not staying much longer. 

I didn't confront her that night as i was pretty angry and just pretended to be asleep, the next morning, I tried to talk to her and asked her what happened?  Why she came home so late?  Why not a text saying, "hey, i'm having fun now, gonna stay for awhile?"  She got defensive, and I got angry.  I said that I thought something was going on.  She said absolutely not, i stormed off and we didn't really talk for two days.

During that time I started snooping around and looked at our phone bill and noticed how much she had been texting.  I downloaded the bill into a spreadsheet format and was able to sort them by number and one number showed up more than any other.  In one month, she sent and recieved over 200 texts from this number.  I picked up her phone that night and found out that there wasn't one text from that number still on her phone.  She was deleting them. 

I confronted her and asked if there was anything going on in her life that she would be ashamed of me finding out?  She said absolutely not.  I said OK, I want to believe you, but first I need to know who's phone # is xxx-xxx-xxxx?  Because she sent over 25% of all her texts that month to that number.  I asked who this person was (i already knew from looking at her contacts) and she fumbled around and I could she she was flustered but she pretended not to know who's number that was.  Finally she admited it was a guy from work, but they were just buddies and that he is like and older brother to her.  I asked her why she would delete the messages if they were so innocent and she didn't have an answer.

That is where we are now,  I know I love my wife.  She is the most important person on this planet to me, but while she admits that she shouldn't have been texting another guy and certainly shouldn't have been hiding from me, she doesn't consider what she did as all that bad.  I consider it and emotional affair.  She says nothing physical or intimate happend and i do believe her.  The messages that I was able to recover seem to only be freindly.  She admits that there may have been a few flirty ones, but I was unable to find them. 

I'm trying to figure out how to heal, but the one thing that is still bothering me is how defensive she got when I told her that I thought the other mans wife should know about this seceret relationship too.  That I would want to know, and that if she was in her position, she would want to know.  She's begging me to not notify her.  I'm not trying to humilate my wife, but when she is so casual with telling me how there was nothing really there, but so adamatly against filling in the other mans wife, it causes doubt.

I want to forgive my wife and am working and praying through that process.  I just don't want to be blind and move on if she is not being honest with me.....

please advise...


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Caught my wife texting another man.
« on: Fri Nov 08, 2013 - 10:07:47 »

Offline anx

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Re: Caught my wife texting another man.
« Reply #1 on: Fri Nov 08, 2013 - 10:51:46 »
Its hard to tell from what you know how far she went. She may have been enjoying attention and not been entirely an emotional affair. That still isn't appropriate behavior, but at the same time it may not have gone that far.

You need to keep communicating why its a big issue and not OK. She know what she was doing was either wrong or would hurt you, so she deleted the text messages.

Keep talking about it in a way that brings understanding and healing. Use a pastor or counselor in those talks if it comes to that. Make sure she knows its not OK, but also its not OK to "punish" her with yelling or being a jerk. Don't return her sin with more sin.

I would be grateful that it was caught and (hopefully) stopped at a month of texts and one late party and not the total destruction of your marriage. Other than that, continue to seek wise counsel when needed and work towards what is Godly and right.

As for notifying the other man's wife, I don't really know. If there was a physical affair, I would say yes. This might have been attention and flirting that went too far. I can't offer advise on that now.
« Last Edit: Fri Nov 08, 2013 - 11:01:53 by anx »

Offline chosenone

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Re: Caught my wife texting another man.
« Reply #2 on: Fri Nov 08, 2013 - 11:11:48 »
Red flags here, including the loosing weight and getting fit. Often done when there is another on the scene. I think she needs to be totally open with you with her phone and computer, giving you all the passwords, and also never ever meeting alone with a man.

The workplace is a great danger area. My husbands ex met her lover a short time after she started working again, and began to wear make up and buy lots of new clothes etc. Members of my family have also had marriages end because of workplace affairs, so its something to be very wary of. If she is doing things that she wouldnt do with you there, then something is wrong, and the fact that she hid all those texts isn't a good sign. Also for women I believe that emotional affairs can be even more dangerous than physical ones. Flirting is also very wrong and dangerous.

I hope this has been nipped in the bud. She needs to know that you wont tolerate it, and how dangerous this sort of thing is. She has been playing with fire.
If it is helpful, I have two good books to recommend that may help you both, about setting godly boundaries and affair proofing your marriage .
One is called 'Hedges' by Jerry B Jenkins, and the other is called Avoiding the greener grass syndrome by Nancy C Anderson.Both authors are Christians.

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Re: Caught my wife texting another man.
« Reply #2 on: Fri Nov 08, 2013 - 11:11:48 »

Offline Helen

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Re: Caught my wife texting another man.
« Reply #3 on: Fri Nov 08, 2013 - 11:47:39 »
Reading the other answers, but something else occurred to me -- you make no effort to be part of your wife's social life and you admitted she is very social.  You love that about her.  Losing weight and working out does not have to be because of another man, but because she wants to fit in and not feel like a fat slob.  I think you ought to step up to the plate now and court her again -- take her out to dinner and other dates, and even parties,  and don't just 'settle in' and wish things were different.  Make them different.  Women are responders.  Evidently this other guy is giving her some kind of at least friendship to respond to.  Don't abandon your place -- don't just be her sofa husband, be her loving husband, her attentive husband. 

The red flags are indeed up.  What are you going to do about them?

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Re: Caught my wife texting another man.
« Reply #3 on: Fri Nov 08, 2013 - 11:47:39 »

Offline FireSword

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Re: Caught my wife texting another man.
« Reply #4 on: Sat Nov 16, 2013 - 07:46:25 »
Reading the other answers, but something else occurred to me -- you make no effort to be part of your wife's social life and you admitted she is very social.  You love that about her.  Losing weight and working out does not have to be because of another man, but because she wants to fit in and not feel like a fat slob.  I think you ought to step up to the plate now and court her again -- take her out to dinner and other dates, and even parties,  and don't just 'settle in' and wish things were different.  Make them different.  Women are responders.  Evidently this other guy is giving her some kind of at least friendship to respond to.  Don't abandon your place -- don't just be her sofa husband, be her loving husband, her attentive husband. 

The red flags are indeed up.  What are you going to do about them?

If it were the other way round, you probably would call for a divorce.

The woman has been a fat slob, then as soon as she meets another man, makes a genuine effort. Goes to an ungodly Halloween party by herself comes back drunk at 2am, and leaves the husband to look after the kids, Yet you blame the husband for not making an effort.



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Re: Caught my wife texting another man.
« Reply #4 on: Sat Nov 16, 2013 - 07:46:25 »



Offline Reverend M

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Re: Caught my wife texting another man.
« Reply #5 on: Sat Nov 16, 2013 - 08:51:08 »
My wife of 17 years had recently re-entered the workplace. She works an odd schedule of a couple hours in the AM then off for several hours then works another couple hours in the afternoon.  She has always been very outgoing and it is one of the things i truly love about her.  So she has been making new friends and getting together with the group during the day for breakfast after the AM shift.  She also started hanging out with one particular girl at work.  Not a ton, just every once and a while she would meet her and her husband out at a bar to hang out.  She also has started to work out and diet and has lost over 60 lbs and looks just amazing.  I am so proud of how dedicated she is to get back into shape.
 
As time went on, I started to just have this feeling that something was up, then when she told me that her new friend was having a Halloween party and that she knew I probably didn't want to go.  It was a little odd, because normally she tries to talk me into going to these types of things, but this time it was almost as if she didn't want me to come.  I said something to her and she said that well if you want I can text you and see how long i'm gonna stay, and after you get the younger kids to bed you could come out and meet me.  (we have for children, two youngsters and two teenagers so we weren't abandoning our kids the older ones babysit all the time).  Later that night she texted me and asked if I was coming... I told her that I was planning on it, but had kind of settled in and wasn't sure.  I asked her how much longer she was staying and she said she wasn't sure.  That there were only a 3 people that she knew from work and blah, blah blah,  I got the impression that she wouldn't be there long enough to warranty the 20 minute drive out there.  That was the last i heard from her until she came home at 2:00am, almost 4 hours after we talked about her not staying much longer. 

I didn't confront her that night as i was pretty angry and just pretended to be asleep, the next morning, I tried to talk to her and asked her what happened?  Why she came home so late?  Why not a text saying, "hey, i'm having fun now, gonna stay for awhile?"  She got defensive, and I got angry.  I said that I thought something was going on.  She said absolutely not, i stormed off and we didn't really talk for two days.

During that time I started snooping around and looked at our phone bill and noticed how much she had been texting.  I downloaded the bill into a spreadsheet format and was able to sort them by number and one number showed up more than any other.  In one month, she sent and recieved over 200 texts from this number.  I picked up her phone that night and found out that there wasn't one text from that number still on her phone.  She was deleting them. 

I confronted her and asked if there was anything going on in her life that she would be ashamed of me finding out?  She said absolutely not.  I said OK, I want to believe you, but first I need to know who's phone # is xxx-xxx-xxxx?  Because she sent over 25% of all her texts that month to that number.  I asked who this person was (i already knew from looking at her contacts) and she fumbled around and I could she she was flustered but she pretended not to know who's number that was.  Finally she admited it was a guy from work, but they were just buddies and that he is like and older brother to her.  I asked her why she would delete the messages if they were so innocent and she didn't have an answer.

That is where we are now,  I know I love my wife.  She is the most important person on this planet to me, but while she admits that she shouldn't have been texting another guy and certainly shouldn't have been hiding from me, she doesn't consider what she did as all that bad.  I consider it and emotional affair.  She says nothing physical or intimate happend and i do believe her.  The messages that I was able to recover seem to only be freindly.  She admits that there may have been a few flirty ones, but I was unable to find them. 

I'm trying to figure out how to heal, but the one thing that is still bothering me is how defensive she got when I told her that I thought the other mans wife should know about this seceret relationship too.  That I would want to know, and that if she was in her position, she would want to know.  She's begging me to not notify her.  I'm not trying to humilate my wife, but when she is so casual with telling me how there was nothing really there, but so adamatly against filling in the other mans wife, it causes doubt.

I want to forgive my wife and am working and praying through that process.  I just don't want to be blind and move on if she is not being honest with me.....

please advise...

You need to face this head on, ask her if she wants to stay married. If the answer is yes, get her into counselling, there may be something else going on emotionally with her, although I suspect she is enjoying the new attention and her new social life. She did after all ask you to come to the Halloween party.

Under NO circumstances should you bother this guy's wife with this, you'll only be spreading misery around. If she's only sending a quarter of her texts to this guy, it doesn't seem too awful serious and you might set off the nuclear option prematurely, alienating your wife and upsetting the other guy's wife.

I personally think although she is a bit out of bounds with this it's not worth a divorce. If it was me I would give her all the attention she can handle.
« Last Edit: Sat Nov 16, 2013 - 09:03:32 by Reverend M »

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Re: Caught my wife texting another man.
« Reply #5 on: Sat Nov 16, 2013 - 08:51:08 »

Offline TJW

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Re: Caught my wife texting another man.
« Reply #6 on: Sat Nov 16, 2013 - 09:31:38 »
Quote
I personally think although she is a bit out of bounds with this it's not worth a divorce.

Agree.  I agree with the previous posts here, also, that you should seek marital counseling on it.  There is something going on, and your wife is "heaping hot coals into (her) lap".  Don't tolerate it for one more minute.

Offline chosenone

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Re: Caught my wife texting another man.
« Reply #7 on: Sun Nov 17, 2013 - 14:08:11 »
Reading the other answers, but something else occurred to me -- you make no effort to be part of your wife's social life and you admitted she is very social.  You love that about her.  Losing weight and working out does not have to be because of another man, but because she wants to fit in and not feel like a fat slob.  I think you ought to step up to the plate now and court her again -- take her out to dinner and other dates, and even parties,  and don't just 'settle in' and wish things were different.  Make them different.  Women are responders.  Evidently this other guy is giving her some kind of at least friendship to respond to.  Don't abandon your place -- don't just be her sofa husband, be her loving husband, her attentive husband. 

The red flags are indeed up.  What are you going to do about them?

If it were the other way round, you probably would call for a divorce.

The woman has been a fat slob, then as soon as she meets another man, makes a genuine effort. Goes to an ungodly Halloween party by herself comes back drunk at 2am, and leaves the husband to look after the kids, Yet you blame the husband for not making an effort.




Umm where does he says his wife was a fat slob?

Offline Helen

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Re: Caught my wife texting another man.
« Reply #8 on: Sun Nov 17, 2013 - 14:58:23 »
about the fat slob thing -- it's not a matter of being one; it's a matter of feeling like one.  Some women can be slender and still feel like one.  Evidently this lady has lost some weight and her husband like that.  If she worked hard enough to lose the weight, it means she was not happy with herself before.  I was just following up on how she may have felt, not what she was.

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Re: Caught my wife texting another man.
« Reply #8 on: Sun Nov 17, 2013 - 14:58:23 »

Offline FireSword

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Re: Caught my wife texting another man.
« Reply #9 on: Sun Nov 17, 2013 - 15:09:04 »
Same here. I was going to pitch in my 2 cence, but seeing the mods have deleted a dozen or so comments here and there I'm beginning to lose faith, that they cannot see further past their own nose.

Offline chosenone

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Re: Caught my wife texting another man.
« Reply #10 on: Sun Nov 17, 2013 - 16:06:53 »
about the fat slob thing -- it's not a matter of being one; it's a matter of feeling like one.  Some women can be slender and still feel like one.  Evidently this lady has lost some weight and her husband like that.  If she worked hard enough to lose the weight, it means she was not happy with herself before.  I was just following up on how she may have felt, not what she was.
 

yes.I had heard of many people who started to make changes such as wearing new clothes, loosing weight, keeping fit and such like, when there was another person on the scene. In fact that that is apparently one of the signs that something is going on. Not always of course, but sometimes.

Offline MrMojoRisin

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Re: Caught my wife texting another man.
« Reply #11 on: Tue Nov 19, 2013 - 09:47:29 »
update:

OK, thank you for your replies so far.. We have talked about these issues and I've determend to be a better, more involved, husband.  I know that what I want is to spend the rest of my life with my wife.  She deserves way better than what I've been giving her the past couple of years, and she says the same.  I also know that I am not to blame for her bad decisions.

I was able to recover some of the texts that were sent back and forth between her and the other man, and they do seem more friendly than anything else.  My problem is that she admitted to me that they were some "flirty" texts back and forth, but i was unable to find any of them.  In fact the only texts i was able to recover were the first 50 or so from the month that had over 220 texts between them.  Since i was unable to see these for myself, and she's admitted that there was flirting between them, then obviously as time went on things got more involved.  I gues the fact that I'm missing the progression of the relationship makes me feel that I'm not getting the whole picture.  It would make this process so much easier if i could just read all of these texts to see for myself, that while it was inappropriate) it was what she said, in that there was no deep emotional bonding or pining over each other.  I do feel like I caught this before it got physical, and maybe even before it got overly emotional.

I want to believe her, but I still have this nagging doubt that i know everything that went on.  I guess at this point my biggest issue is that she still doesn't see that what she did was that bad.  She admits that it was a bad choice to have this type of relationship with another married man, and that it was dishonest to hide it from me by not only not telling me, but by deleting the texts. However, I don't think she understands that i feel betrayed by her and certainly feel like her relationship with this other man cheated me out of time that should have been spent between me and her.  Even without any proof of attraction or intimacy, i feel like he's stolen from me and that she was in on it. I'm not even sure this makes sense??

Offline MeMyself

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Re: Caught my wife texting another man.
« Reply #12 on: Tue Nov 19, 2013 - 10:09:34 »
I guess at this point my biggest issue is that she still doesn't see that what she did was that bad. 

Oh my! That is a HUGE red flag if you ask me!!!

Ask her how she would feel to discover it was *you* who were sneaking and texting another woman.  Ask her to really think about this and let herself feel the betrayal, the lack of trust, the insecurity, etc.  THEN she should get an idea how bad what she did was!

If she can't do that, I would also feel worried, because those unable to empathize are very hard to live with!

Pray pray pray that God will convict her heart and help her see what she did was WAY wrong!

I am sorry this happened.

Offline TJW

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Re: Caught my wife texting another man.
« Reply #13 on: Tue Nov 19, 2013 - 10:25:12 »
Quote
Even without any proof of attraction or intimacy, i feel like he's stolen from me and that she was in on it. I'm not even sure this makes sense??

Makes perfect sense to me.  I think I would feel this way, too.

It is pretty clear that your wife doesn't "get it".  This, by the way, is typical among cheaters.  I'm not saying by this that your wife is a full-blown "cheater", I don't think she is by the way you describe it, only that not "getting it" is typical.

That's where a good counselor could be of considerable help.  Your wife needs to be made to know that until she "gets it", that is, until she understands what this did to you and how it made you feel, the trust of the relationship cannot be restored, and your relationship will remain strained.

There will ALWAYS be doubt that you know the "whole story".  This is where a counselor can help, too.  A good counselor will hammer this issue home, that complete disclosure is the only path by which a healed relationship can happen.

Quote
That is a HUGE red flag if you ask me!!!

Agree.  You will never feel "safe" in your marriage again unless, and until, this is resolved.







Offline chosenone

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Re: Caught my wife texting another man.
« Reply #14 on: Tue Nov 19, 2013 - 10:29:40 »
 I would feel very hurt and betrayed if my husband had acted the way she did. 220 texts in 4 weeks, whether only 'friendly' or not, was way over the boundaries of acceptable behaviour. Always when people act badly, they will attempt to blame the other person, which is partly what she has done here. No spouse can be attentive and perfect all the time, but we all have a choice whether to begin a wrong relationship or not.

I hope that she will take responsibility for her actions and repent to you and God. After all, if she thinks there is nothing wrong, what is to stop it happening again? What is to stop her resuming this 'friendship?' Also you need a keep a close eye on this whole relationship with this man, because they are still working together and presumably still eating out together (with others there?). I think she is in denial, and if this doesn't stop, then I agree that his wife needs to know.

No matter what SHE thinks, the fact is that you feel hurt and betrayed and that should be enough for her to act to stop this now.

I doubt you do know the whole story, those who act this way usually do lie, and your intuition may be right. She is walking on very thin ice here and is in denial about the dangers.

As TJW says book some good Christian counselling. 

Why not get those books and read them together? ..
« Last Edit: Tue Nov 19, 2013 - 10:34:46 by chosenone »

Offline DaveW

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Re: Caught my wife texting another man.
« Reply #15 on: Tue Nov 19, 2013 - 10:43:58 »
Quote
Even without any proof of attraction or intimacy, i feel like he's stolen from me and that she was in on it. I'm not even sure this makes sense??
Makes perfect sense to me.  I think I would feel this way, too.

It is pretty clear that your wife doesn't "get it".  This, by the way, is typical among cheaters.  I'm not saying by this that your wife is a full-blown "cheater", I don't think she is by the way you describe it, only that not "getting it" is typical.

Makes sense to me too.  And IMO, while your wife may not be a cheater so far; she is on the way to becoming one.  She probably does not even realize it.

Offline TJW

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Re: Caught my wife texting another man.
« Reply #16 on: Wed Nov 20, 2013 - 07:53:20 »
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She probably does not even realize it.

That's a common theme in adultery, too.  People say "it just happened" - and don't think about all those texts, emails, phone calls, clandestine meetings as being prologue to the affair.

People who don't put themselves in that position don't have affairs.

Offline chosenone

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Re: Caught my wife texting another man.
« Reply #17 on: Wed Nov 20, 2013 - 07:56:15 »
Quote
She probably does not even realize it.

That's a common theme in adultery, too.  People say "it just happened" - and don't think about all those texts, emails, phone calls, clandestine meetings as being prologue to the affair.

People who don't put themselves in that position don't have affairs.


 Yes nothing 'just happens'. This is why we need good godly boundaries with the way we relate to the opposite sex.

Offline disneyvoice

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Re: Caught my wife texting another man.
« Reply #18 on: Thu Nov 21, 2013 - 08:59:21 »
I'm new here but I wanted to share that I am a SAHM and a few months ago I went back to work after being at home for 6 years.  It was short lived because the job wasn't the right fit and we discovered it was too soon for me to be back at work.  But I was a baby Christian when I stopped work years ago so I was shocked when I was suddenly thrust back into the workplace as a woman viewing things through more mature Christian eyes!

I was completely disgusted by the accepted flirtatious attitude and behavior that occurs between men and women in the workplace today.  I have no problem if single men and women want to flirt but I am talking about accepted behavior between MARRIED men and women.  The whole "work spouse" scenario, guys that spend more time in another woman's office flirting than working, sexual innuendo's left and right, married men and women going out for lunch "dates" alone, insides jokes between married men and women, lengthy personal cell phone conversations between married men and women while one is already in the office and the other is driving in on the way to work, inappropriate conversations where one employee bashes his or her spouse to an employee of the opposite sex, employees complaining about how they have to work so late again but they first go out to get dinner together alone BEFORE they start working.

It was horrible to watch and it was all I could do to refrain from warning these people that their marriages were doomed!!  I was so happy to get out of there!

So just to let you know, the whole texting a co-worker of the opposite sex: viewed as completely normal in the workforce today.  In fact some people might tell you it's your wife's "work spouse" if that isn't enough to make you sick.  So not only do you have to be careful about making sure that you are protecting your own marriage by making sure you are doing what God expects you to do as a husband, you have to pray for a hedge of protection around your wife at work.  Cause Satan has figured out how to use to workplace to his advantage!

Offline chosenone

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Re: Caught my wife texting another man.
« Reply #19 on: Fri Nov 22, 2013 - 10:07:13 »
I'm new here but I wanted to share that I am a SAHM and a few months ago I went back to work after being at home for 6 years.  It was short lived because the job wasn't the right fit and we discovered it was too soon for me to be back at work.  But I was a baby Christian when I stopped work years ago so I was shocked when I was suddenly thrust back into the workplace as a woman viewing things through more mature Christian eyes!

I was completely disgusted by the accepted flirtatious attitude and behavior that occurs between men and women in the workplace today.  I have no problem if single men and women want to flirt but I am talking about accepted behavior between MARRIED men and women.  The whole "work spouse" scenario, guys that spend more time in another woman's office flirting than working, sexual innuendo's left and right, married men and women going out for lunch "dates" alone, insides jokes between married men and women, lengthy personal cell phone conversations between married men and women while one is already in the office and the other is driving in on the way to work, inappropriate conversations where one employee bashes his or her spouse to an employee of the opposite sex, employees complaining about how they have to work so late again but they first go out to get dinner together alone BEFORE they start working.

It was horrible to watch and it was all I could do to refrain from warning these people that their marriages were doomed!!  I was so happy to get out of there!

So just to let you know, the whole texting a co-worker of the opposite sex: viewed as completely normal in the workforce today.  In fact some people might tell you it's your wife's "work spouse" if that isn't enough to make you sick.  So not only do you have to be careful about making sure that you are protecting your own marriage by making sure you are doing what God expects you to do as a husband, you have to pray for a hedge of protection around your wife at work.  Cause Satan has figured out how to use to workplace to his advantage!


 That is tragic isn't it. This why 50% of married people now have affairs, and why we as Christians have to be so vigilant and have strong boundaries.

Offline DaveW

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Re: Caught my wife texting another man.
« Reply #20 on: Fri Nov 22, 2013 - 11:09:40 »
IMO the atmosphere is not that much worse than it was 40 years ago when I first entered the workforce.  It was pretty bad then too.

First job after hs was in a factory. All male workforce. About every third guy had either p o r n pictures taped to his toolbox or a stack of p o r n mags stashed somewhere.   Not the n u d i e Play boy stuff but ones with grainy pictures of actual s e x acts and black tape over the eyes of the people. (what ever that was supposed to do)  We even had an arabic guy working there who had "Camel ****er Moe" painted on the side of his boring mill. When they found out that I was a virgin, some tried their best to "correct" that situation by trying to prostitute out their own girlfriends to me. NO THANKS!!!

After College I saw many more shops that were the same way.

A few years later women started coming into the work force and said they did not want to change anything but just wanted to have the high paying jobs.  But they found it unbearable. Some adapted and others started filing harassment lawsuits and actually cleaned up a lot of that mess.

So yeah - it can be bad out there but that is nothing new.
« Last Edit: Fri Nov 22, 2013 - 11:13:03 by DaveW »

Offline brokenveteran

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Re: Caught my wife texting another man.
« Reply #21 on: Sun Jan 19, 2014 - 21:31:44 »
...She got defensive...I downloaded the bill into a spreadsheet format and was able to sort them by number and one number showed up more than any other.  In one month, she sent and received over 200 texts from this number.  I picked up her phone that night and found out that there wasn't one text from that number still on her phone.  She was deleting them....she fumbled around and I could she she was flustered but she pretended not to know who's number that was.  Finally she admitted it was a guy from work...I asked her why she would delete the messages if they were so innocent and she didn't have an answer....the one thing that is still bothering me is how defensive she got when I told her that I thought the other man's wife should know about this secret relationship too...she's begging me to not notify her...

I have dealt with these exact same things. These are red flags based upon my experience. In my case, I encountered this type of behavior three different times over the course of a few years. It took me a while to finally piece it all together, but in all three cases there were affairs. When a spouse starts hiding contact / involvement with a person of the opposite sex, there is sufficient probability, in my opinion, that an emotional affair has evolved. This is further confirmed by deleting the texts, pretending not to know him and not wanting his wife to find out. They are not only hiding what is going on from you, but from his wife as well. Eventually, emotional affairs will turn physical as long as they remain uninterrupted.   

I am sorry you are experiencing this situation.

Offline Martina/sublics

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Re: Caught my wife texting another man.
« Reply #22 on: Mon Jan 27, 2014 - 15:35:48 »
first off you got problems i dont care what she tells you. Youve been together along time so you should no its no striaght road you have seasons in marriage things happen over time. Most of them time partners turn to other people because first theirs a want an a need in them that their not getting from the marriage she could be lonely inside hurt feel unloved you realy dont know. But her texting a man more then likly wasnt for badness of an affair it was company an to feel like a women again that probly has notink to do with her love for you. You could most probly be her world but instead of dealing with the issues shes turning away either way its bad for the marriage. OR IT COULD POSSIABLY BE alarm signs an she wants another man. But I do think its. what I siad first. Id forget about the texts an the proving if you love her an you want your marriage to work. Id sit her down Id tel her completly how much you Love her feel for her an all the nice things you possiably can. Then Id say I dont care what you tell me the texts was or why. But I know you didnt do that for no reason an its obvious theirs somthing lacking here an you done that over how you feel I dont how or why but I want to know an I want you to be able to talk to me an us to work on anything. Say I love you your my world but if its the fact you want out im not desparte an im not holding on to notting an I want you to make that descion an tell me straight an thats fare enough. But if thats not the case I want you to stop turning all these ways an turn to me. An say even if you dont want to talk straight away Ill just be hear loving you until you do. If she dosnt talk or open up straight away then. Go away an instead of puttin your worry over phone bills an texts you put your worry into being the best husband you can be the small things do the small things an as much as your hurtin treat her the way you would like to be treating an remind her why she married you as time gos we slip into patterns get out of them an pray to the Lord about it even bring her to church make time an soon enough she will open up. Youve got notting to loose by doing this if she wants wrong out out shell want it anyway but 90 percent of these things when a women does that is pure lonelyness Goodluck an know your a good person for trying work on your marriage an she sounds a lucky women to have you forget about the mans wife I wudnt botherd if shes putting the time into her marriage you are she wud know who her husbands texting if not thats her luck out Godbless

Offline LostInNewYork

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Re: Caught my wife texting another man.
« Reply #23 on: Fri Jan 31, 2014 - 00:43:34 »
My wife of 17 years had recently re-entered the workplace. She works an odd schedule of a couple hours in the AM then off for several hours then works another couple hours in the afternoon.  She has always been very outgoing and it is one of the things i truly love about her.  So she has been making new friends and getting together with the group during the day for breakfast after the AM shift.  She also started hanging out with one particular girl at work.  Not a ton, just every once and a while she would meet her and her husband out at a bar to hang out.  She also has started to work out and diet and has lost over 60 lbs and looks just amazing.  I am so proud of how dedicated she is to get back into shape.
 
As time went on, I started to just have this feeling that something was up, then when she told me that her new friend was having a Halloween party and that she knew I probably didn't want to go.  It was a little odd, because normally she tries to talk me into going to these types of things, but this time it was almost as if she didn't want me to come.  I said something to her and she said that well if you want I can text you and see how long i'm gonna stay, and after you get the younger kids to bed you could come out and meet me.  (we have for children, two youngsters and two teenagers so we weren't abandoning our kids the older ones babysit all the time).  Later that night she texted me and asked if I was coming... I told her that I was planning on it, but had kind of settled in and wasn't sure.  I asked her how much longer she was staying and she said she wasn't sure.  That there were only a 3 people that she knew from work and blah, blah blah,  I got the impression that she wouldn't be there long enough to warranty the 20 minute drive out there.  That was the last i heard from her until she came home at 2:00am, almost 4 hours after we talked about her not staying much longer. 

I didn't confront her that night as i was pretty angry and just pretended to be asleep, the next morning, I tried to talk to her and asked her what happened?  Why she came home so late?  Why not a text saying, "hey, i'm having fun now, gonna stay for awhile?"  She got defensive, and I got angry.  I said that I thought something was going on.  She said absolutely not, i stormed off and we didn't really talk for two days.

During that time I started snooping around and looked at our phone bill and noticed how much she had been texting.  I downloaded the bill into a spreadsheet format and was able to sort them by number and one number showed up more than any other.  In one month, she sent and recieved over 200 texts from this number.  I picked up her phone that night and found out that there wasn't one text from that number still on her phone.  She was deleting them. 

I confronted her and asked if there was anything going on in her life that she would be ashamed of me finding out?  She said absolutely not.  I said OK, I want to believe you, but first I need to know who's phone # is xxx-xxx-xxxx?  Because she sent over 25% of all her texts that month to that number.  I asked who this person was (i already knew from looking at her contacts) and she fumbled around and I could she she was flustered but she pretended not to know who's number that was.  Finally she admited it was a guy from work, but they were just buddies and that he is like and older brother to her.  I asked her why she would delete the messages if they were so innocent and she didn't have an answer.

That is where we are now,  I know I love my wife.  She is the most important person on this planet to me, but while she admits that she shouldn't have been texting another guy and certainly shouldn't have been hiding from me, she doesn't consider what she did as all that bad.  I consider it and emotional affair.  She says nothing physical or intimate happend and i do believe her.  The messages that I was able to recover seem to only be freindly.  She admits that there may have been a few flirty ones, but I was unable to find them. 

I'm trying to figure out how to heal, but the one thing that is still bothering me is how defensive she got when I told her that I thought the other mans wife should know about this seceret relationship too.  That I would want to know, and that if she was in her position, she would want to know.  She's begging me to not notify her.  I'm not trying to humilate my wife, but when she is so casual with telling me how there was nothing really there, but so adamatly against filling in the other mans wife, it causes doubt.

I want to forgive my wife and am working and praying through that process.  I just don't want to be blind and move on if she is not being honest with me.....

please advise...

I was victimized by this at the same time you were.  My wife came to Christ via a co-worker.  They immediately started up an emotional affair that didn't last long.  The affair nearly turned physical.  We have two young children at home.  My wife went so far as to planning out a new life with this person.  We have been married a long time.  She has had tremendous difficulty cutting off the affair.  She seems to have been the pursuer, but he certainly wasn't innocent either.  He is also married, but apparently divorcing as his wife was having an affair on him.  Lovely Christians - all.  At any rate, my wife has other problems, and I am convinced that she is still trying to figure out a way to leave me and make a life with the affair partner.  She also thought that the kids would go along for the ride and that we would ALL get along as some sort of extended family.  Pure fantasy.  And apparently he has kids as well.  Even as I write this, my wife treats me coldly and distantly.  We are in counseling.  She reads the bible a lot and listens to sermons as well as consults with friends and Christian books.  When she first told me of the affair, she admitted that she still wanted to be with him and then tried to force me to walk out on the marriage.  Then she tried to reconcile and showed some effort in that process, but she maintained casual work contact with the affair partner.  Each step she took to cut it off caused her to be meaner towards me and more depressed about the situation.  She no longer works with the company and is in the throws of depression, probably as the final tie is cut.  (Of course, she could still contact him on the side and may do so.)  She has told herself that God would not bless that relationship and that it would not please God for her to divorce me and break up the home.  So she wants to restore our marriage according to God's Plan for married couples and for the kids.  My sense of it is that she is either still trying to get me to walk so that she can pretend to be righteous and pretend to be the victim, OR she is having tremendous difficulty coming back to our marriage when she had emotionally, spiritually, and intellectually checked out and fantasized about building a life with her Christ-giver.  The point is, all of these things tend to start out innocently enough.  Be careful with assuming it is nothing.  As someone else said, your wife believes she has some sort of deficit with you, often times it is the lack of an emotional connection and maybe a spiritual connection.  Of course, I think she would have a lot of nerve to go outside the marriage to fulfill that.  But as others have said, people do it.  My wife did it.  I have hurt for several months over this.  I am just now getting past the pain.  Of course, I don't know if we will make it or not.  But she can't hurt me anymore.  She did enough of that.  But I am not going to file for the divorce and knowingly send my kids into that situation, which has other major social dysfunction that I will not describe here.  She is the one who has changed and after a lengthy marriage decided she isn't happy and wants to be with her Christ-giver.  Good.  She needs to file for the divorce and carry all the consequences and burdens she will have with her children by destroying the family for an affair partner.  Nothing like a mother teaching her kids betrayal, lying, cheating and disloyalty through her example.  Positively awful.  She needs to wear those consequences, not me.  Being a Christian, however, she has said she will not file for the divorce, so, for now at least,  you can call me "unhappily married". 

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Re: Caught my wife texting another man.
« Reply #24 on: Fri Jan 31, 2014 - 01:35:59 »
I'm new here but I wanted to share that I am a SAHM and a few months ago I went back to work after being at home for 6 years.  It was short lived because the job wasn't the right fit and we discovered it was too soon for me to be back at work.  But I was a baby Christian when I stopped work years ago so I was shocked when I was suddenly thrust back into the workplace as a woman viewing things through more mature Christian eyes!

I was completely disgusted by the accepted flirtatious attitude and behavior that occurs between men and women in the workplace today.  I have no problem if single men and women want to flirt but I am talking about accepted behavior between MARRIED men and women.  The whole "work spouse" scenario, guys that spend more time in another woman's office flirting than working, sexual innuendo's left and right, married men and women going out for lunch "dates" alone, insides jokes between married men and women, lengthy personal cell phone conversations between married men and women while one is already in the office and the other is driving in on the way to work, inappropriate conversations where one employee bashes his or her spouse to an employee of the opposite sex, employees complaining about how they have to work so late again but they first go out to get dinner together alone BEFORE they start working.

It was horrible to watch and it was all I could do to refrain from warning these people that their marriages were doomed!!  I was so happy to get out of there!

So just to let you know, the whole texting a co-worker of the opposite sex: viewed as completely normal in the workforce today.  In fact some people might tell you it's your wife's "work spouse" if that isn't enough to make you sick.  So not only do you have to be careful about making sure that you are protecting your own marriage by making sure you are doing what God expects you to do as a husband, you have to pray for a hedge of protection around your wife at work.  Cause Satan has figured out how to use to workplace to his advantage!


 That is tragic isn't it. This why 50% of married people now have affairs, and why we as Christians have to be so vigilant and have strong boundaries.

Chosenone, I am really sorry I must look like a troll here, but I am seriously baffled where you get your statistics from.
If 50% of all married people has an affair, then on the average in EVERY marriage one of the partners has an affair.

Can you give me a source for your data?

Offline chosenone

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Re: Caught my wife texting another man.
« Reply #25 on: Fri Jan 31, 2014 - 04:26:38 »
My wife of 17 years had recently re-entered the workplace. She works an odd schedule of a couple hours in the AM then off for several hours then works another couple hours in the afternoon.  She has always been very outgoing and it is one of the things i truly love about her.  So she has been making new friends and getting together with the group during the day for breakfast after the AM shift.  She also started hanging out with one particular girl at work.  Not a ton, just every once and a while she would meet her and her husband out at a bar to hang out.  She also has started to work out and diet and has lost over 60 lbs and looks just amazing.  I am so proud of how dedicated she is to get back into shape.
 
As time went on, I started to just have this feeling that something was up, then when she told me that her new friend was having a Halloween party and that she knew I probably didn't want to go.  It was a little odd, because normally she tries to talk me into going to these types of things, but this time it was almost as if she didn't want me to come.  I said something to her and she said that well if you want I can text you and see how long i'm gonna stay, and after you get the younger kids to bed you could come out and meet me.  (we have for children, two youngsters and two teenagers so we weren't abandoning our kids the older ones babysit all the time).  Later that night she texted me and asked if I was coming... I told her that I was planning on it, but had kind of settled in and wasn't sure.  I asked her how much longer she was staying and she said she wasn't sure.  That there were only a 3 people that she knew from work and blah, blah blah,  I got the impression that she wouldn't be there long enough to warranty the 20 minute drive out there.  That was the last i heard from her until she came home at 2:00am, almost 4 hours after we talked about her not staying much longer. 

I didn't confront her that night as i was pretty angry and just pretended to be asleep, the next morning, I tried to talk to her and asked her what happened?  Why she came home so late?  Why not a text saying, "hey, i'm having fun now, gonna stay for awhile?"  She got defensive, and I got angry.  I said that I thought something was going on.  She said absolutely not, i stormed off and we didn't really talk for two days.

During that time I started snooping around and looked at our phone bill and noticed how much she had been texting.  I downloaded the bill into a spreadsheet format and was able to sort them by number and one number showed up more than any other.  In one month, she sent and recieved over 200 texts from this number.  I picked up her phone that night and found out that there wasn't one text from that number still on her phone.  She was deleting them. 

I confronted her and asked if there was anything going on in her life that she would be ashamed of me finding out?  She said absolutely not.  I said OK, I want to believe you, but first I need to know who's phone # is xxx-xxx-xxxx?  Because she sent over 25% of all her texts that month to that number.  I asked who this person was (i already knew from looking at her contacts) and she fumbled around and I could she she was flustered but she pretended not to know who's number that was.  Finally she admited it was a guy from work, but they were just buddies and that he is like and older brother to her.  I asked her why she would delete the messages if they were so innocent and she didn't have an answer.

That is where we are now,  I know I love my wife.  She is the most important person on this planet to me, but while she admits that she shouldn't have been texting another guy and certainly shouldn't have been hiding from me, she doesn't consider what she did as all that bad.  I consider it and emotional affair.  She says nothing physical or intimate happend and i do believe her.  The messages that I was able to recover seem to only be freindly.  She admits that there may have been a few flirty ones, but I was unable to find them. 

I'm trying to figure out how to heal, but the one thing that is still bothering me is how defensive she got when I told her that I thought the other mans wife should know about this seceret relationship too.  That I would want to know, and that if she was in her position, she would want to know.  She's begging me to not notify her.  I'm not trying to humilate my wife, but when she is so casual with telling me how there was nothing really there, but so adamatly against filling in the other mans wife, it causes doubt.

I want to forgive my wife and am working and praying through that process.  I just don't want to be blind and move on if she is not being honest with me.....

please advise...

I was victimized by this at the same time you were.  My wife came to Christ via a co-worker.  They immediately started up an emotional affair that didn't last long.  The affair nearly turned physical.  We have two young children at home.  My wife went so far as to planning out a new life with this person.  We have been married a long time.  She has had tremendous difficulty cutting off the affair.  She seems to have been the pursuer, but he certainly wasn't innocent either.  He is also married, but apparently divorcing as his wife was having an affair on him.  Lovely Christians - all.  At any rate, my wife has other problems, and I am convinced that she is still trying to figure out a way to leave me and make a life with the affair partner.  She also thought that the kids would go along for the ride and that we would ALL get along as some sort of extended family.  Pure fantasy.  And apparently he has kids as well.  Even as I write this, my wife treats me coldly and distantly.  We are in counseling.  She reads the bible a lot and listens to sermons as well as consults with friends and Christian books.  When she first told me of the affair, she admitted that she still wanted to be with him and then tried to force me to walk out on the marriage.  Then she tried to reconcile and showed some effort in that process, but she maintained casual work contact with the affair partner.  Each step she took to cut it off caused her to be meaner towards me and more depressed about the situation.  She no longer works with the company and is in the throws of depression, probably as the final tie is cut.  (Of course, she could still contact him on the side and may do so.)  She has told herself that God would not bless that relationship and that it would not please God for her to divorce me and break up the home.  So she wants to restore our marriage according to God's Plan for married couples and for the kids.  My sense of it is that she is either still trying to get me to walk so that she can pretend to be righteous and pretend to be the victim, OR she is having tremendous difficulty coming back to our marriage when she had emotionally, spiritually, and intellectually checked out and fantasized about building a life with her Christ-giver.  The point is, all of these things tend to start out innocently enough.  Be careful with assuming it is nothing.  As someone else said, your wife believes she has some sort of deficit with you, often times it is the lack of an emotional connection and maybe a spiritual connection.  Of course, I think she would have a lot of nerve to go outside the marriage to fulfill that.  But as others have said, people do it.  My wife did it.  I have hurt for several months over this.  I am just now getting past the pain.  Of course, I don't know if we will make it or not.  But she can't hurt me anymore.  She did enough of that.  But I am not going to file for the divorce and knowingly send my kids into that situation, which has other major social dysfunction that I will not describe here.  She is the one who has changed and after a lengthy marriage decided she isn't happy and wants to be with her Christ-giver.  Good.  She needs to file for the divorce and carry all the consequences and burdens she will have with her children by destroying the family for an affair partner.  Nothing like a mother teaching her kids betrayal, lying, cheating and disloyalty through her example.  Positively awful.  She needs to wear those consequences, not me.  Being a Christian, however, she has said she will not file for the divorce, so, for now at least,  you can call me "unhappily married". 


 I feel for you so much, What a horrible situation to be in .I am not sure I could be with a spouse who had done that and didn't want to be with me anyway, but you are probably doing the right thing by making sure that if the marriage ends it will her to who ends, but be sure that even if she did end it, she will make sure that everyone thinks it was all your fault, because that is what happened with my husband and his ex.
She met a three times divorced(!) non Christian man through work, had an affair and divorced him, but apparently it was all my husband fault for not meeting her 'emotional needs'. Needless to say it didn't last, and shortly after their divorce it ended, and many years later she is still alone.

Complete selfishness and disobedience towards God abound. Your wife knew that she was sinning with this man, whether they did sleep together or not, (you may never know), but instead of obeying Him, she went to books and friends to get advise, crazy. ::smile::
What part of 'do not commit adultery' and 'be faithful' does she not understand. I do know that people who sin will always try and find other people who will support their decision, to make themselves feel better.
« Last Edit: Fri Jan 31, 2014 - 07:28:19 by chosenone »

Offline chosenone

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Re: Caught my wife texting another man.
« Reply #26 on: Fri Jan 31, 2014 - 04:30:14 »
I'm new here but I wanted to share that I am a SAHM and a few months ago I went back to work after being at home for 6 years.  It was short lived because the job wasn't the right fit and we discovered it was too soon for me to be back at work.  But I was a baby Christian when I stopped work years ago so I was shocked when I was suddenly thrust back into the workplace as a woman viewing things through more mature Christian eyes!

I was completely disgusted by the accepted flirtatious attitude and behavior that occurs between men and women in the workplace today.  I have no problem if single men and women want to flirt but I am talking about accepted behavior between MARRIED men and women.  The whole "work spouse" scenario, guys that spend more time in another woman's office flirting than working, sexual innuendo's left and right, married men and women going out for lunch "dates" alone, insides jokes between married men and women, lengthy personal cell phone conversations between married men and women while one is already in the office and the other is driving in on the way to work, inappropriate conversations where one employee bashes his or her spouse to an employee of the opposite sex, employees complaining about how they have to work so late again but they first go out to get dinner together alone BEFORE they start working.

It was horrible to watch and it was all I could do to refrain from warning these people that their marriages were doomed!!  I was so happy to get out of there!

So just to let you know, the whole texting a co-worker of the opposite sex: viewed as completely normal in the workforce today.  In fact some people might tell you it's your wife's "work spouse" if that isn't enough to make you sick.  So not only do you have to be careful about making sure that you are protecting your own marriage by making sure you are doing what God expects you to do as a husband, you have to pray for a hedge of protection around your wife at work.  Cause Satan has figured out how to use to workplace to his advantage!


 That is tragic isn't it. This why 50% of married people now have affairs, and why we as Christians have to be so vigilant and have strong boundaries.

Chosenone, I am really sorry I must look like a troll here, but I am seriously baffled where you get your statistics from.
If 50% of all married people has an affair, then on the average in EVERY marriage one of the partners has an affair.

Can you give me a source for your data?


 I read it a year or so ago. it was a very large survey done in the USA. I will try and find the source again if I can. However it doesn't surprise me at all does it you? I know countless marriages that ended because of affairs including my husbands former marriage and three marriages in my own family, and they were the ones that found out about the cheating. 

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Re: Caught my wife texting another man.
« Reply #27 on: Fri Jan 31, 2014 - 05:49:33 »
I'm new here but I wanted to share that I am a SAHM and a few months ago I went back to work after being at home for 6 years.  It was short lived because the job wasn't the right fit and we discovered it was too soon for me to be back at work.  But I was a baby Christian when I stopped work years ago so I was shocked when I was suddenly thrust back into the workplace as a woman viewing things through more mature Christian eyes!

I was completely disgusted by the accepted flirtatious attitude and behavior that occurs between men and women in the workplace today.  I have no problem if single men and women want to flirt but I am talking about accepted behavior between MARRIED men and women.  The whole "work spouse" scenario, guys that spend more time in another woman's office flirting than working, sexual innuendo's left and right, married men and women going out for lunch "dates" alone, insides jokes between married men and women, lengthy personal cell phone conversations between married men and women while one is already in the office and the other is driving in on the way to work, inappropriate conversations where one employee bashes his or her spouse to an employee of the opposite sex, employees complaining about how they have to work so late again but they first go out to get dinner together alone BEFORE they start working.

It was horrible to watch and it was all I could do to refrain from warning these people that their marriages were doomed!!  I was so happy to get out of there!

So just to let you know, the whole texting a co-worker of the opposite sex: viewed as completely normal in the workforce today.  In fact some people might tell you it's your wife's "work spouse" if that isn't enough to make you sick.  So not only do you have to be careful about making sure that you are protecting your own marriage by making sure you are doing what God expects you to do as a husband, you have to pray for a hedge of protection around your wife at work.  Cause Satan has figured out how to use to workplace to his advantage!


 That is tragic isn't it. This why 50% of married people now have affairs, and why we as Christians have to be so vigilant and have strong boundaries.

Chosenone, I am really sorry I must look like a troll here, but I am seriously baffled where you get your statistics from.
If 50% of all married people has an affair, then on the average in EVERY marriage one of the partners has an affair.

Can you give me a source for your data?


 I read it a year or so ago. it was a very large survey done in the USA. I will try and find the source again if I can. However it doesn't surprise me at all does it you? I know countless marriages that ended because of affairs including my husbands former marriage and three marriages in my own family, and they were the ones that found out about the cheating. 

Yes, I would be very surprised.
I could imagine if 50% of all divorces happen because of infidelity. What you say basically means that in every marriage, there is one partner who is cheating.
So right now in your own marriage, if you are not the one, then your husband is cheating on you.

And don't forget...the world a just a teeny weeny bigger than the USA. So a large survey in USA may not necessarily be representative for the rest of the globe.

Offline chosenone

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Re: Caught my wife texting another man.
« Reply #28 on: Fri Jan 31, 2014 - 07:11:42 »
I'm new here but I wanted to share that I am a SAHM and a few months ago I went back to work after being at home for 6 years.  It was short lived because the job wasn't the right fit and we discovered it was too soon for me to be back at work.  But I was a baby Christian when I stopped work years ago so I was shocked when I was suddenly thrust back into the workplace as a woman viewing things through more mature Christian eyes!

I was completely disgusted by the accepted flirtatious attitude and behavior that occurs between men and women in the workplace today.  I have no problem if single men and women want to flirt but I am talking about accepted behavior between MARRIED men and women.  The whole "work spouse" scenario, guys that spend more time in another woman's office flirting than working, sexual innuendo's left and right, married men and women going out for lunch "dates" alone, insides jokes between married men and women, lengthy personal cell phone conversations between married men and women while one is already in the office and the other is driving in on the way to work, inappropriate conversations where one employee bashes his or her spouse to an employee of the opposite sex, employees complaining about how they have to work so late again but they first go out to get dinner together alone BEFORE they start working.

It was horrible to watch and it was all I could do to refrain from warning these people that their marriages were doomed!!  I was so happy to get out of there!

So just to let you know, the whole texting a co-worker of the opposite sex: viewed as completely normal in the workforce today.  In fact some people might tell you it's your wife's "work spouse" if that isn't enough to make you sick.  So not only do you have to be careful about making sure that you are protecting your own marriage by making sure you are doing what God expects you to do as a husband, you have to pray for a hedge of protection around your wife at work.  Cause Satan has figured out how to use to workplace to his advantage!


 That is tragic isn't it. This why 50% of married people now have affairs, and why we as Christians have to be so vigilant and have strong boundaries.

Chosenone, I am really sorry I must look like a troll here, but I am seriously baffled where you get your statistics from.
If 50% of all married people has an affair, then on the average in EVERY marriage one of the partners has an affair.

Can you give me a source for your data?


 I read it a year or so ago. it was a very large survey done in the USA. I will try and find the source again if I can. However it doesn't surprise me at all does it you? I know countless marriages that ended because of affairs including my husbands former marriage and three marriages in my own family, and they were the ones that found out about the cheating. 

Yes, I would be very surprised.
I could imagine if 50% of all divorces happen because of infidelity. What you say basically means that in every marriage, there is one partner who is cheating.
So right now in your own marriage, if you are not the one, then your husband is cheating on you.

And don't forget...the world a just a teeny weeny bigger than the USA. So a large survey in USA may not necessarily be representative for the rest of the globe.
 

Well as most here are from the USA, I thought it was relevant. I am not of course. The survey showed that 50% of married people will cheat 'at some point' in their marriage. It may be only once in 50 years. It doesn't mean that  50% of married people are cheating 'right now'. Remember also that many married couples stay together after adultery, and don't get divorced. You are fortunate if you dont know many couples where one has cheated, I know loads(mainly non believers though)including my father, 3 sisters in law, a father in law and grandparent as well as many people we know outside the family. Adultery is rife today.

.
« Last Edit: Fri Jan 31, 2014 - 07:21:30 by chosenone »

Offline chosenone

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Re: Caught my wife texting another man.
« Reply #29 on: Fri Jan 31, 2014 - 07:24:46 »
http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/cheating-and-infidelity/stats-about-infidelity.html 

This was the first article I goolged. They say 30-60% of married couples will cheat at some point in their marriage.

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Re: Caught my wife texting another man.
« Reply #30 on: Fri Jan 31, 2014 - 07:32:52 »
More reports

http://www.divinecaroline.com/love-sex/cheating-and-infidelity-statistics-are-men-cheating-more-women

 This report says that 75% of married men admit to cheating on their wives at some point in their marriage, and most wives never find out.

http://www.examiner.com/article/why-do-married-couples-cheat-understanding-infidelity-the-21st-century
« Last Edit: Fri Jan 31, 2014 - 07:35:35 by chosenone »

Offline chosenone

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Re: Caught my wife texting another man.
« Reply #31 on: Fri Jan 31, 2014 - 07:38:00 »
This one suggests that 60% of married men and 50% of married women will cheat at some point in their marriage, a massive increase on past generations.

http://www.catalogs.com/info/relationships/percentage-of-married-couples-who-cheat-on-each-ot.html

 More even more alarming statistics

http://magazine.foxnews.com/love/cheating-statistics-do-men-cheat-more-women 

Now whether its 50% or 60% or 40% or even 30%, its alarming, and its increasing rapidly.
« Last Edit: Fri Jan 31, 2014 - 07:41:01 by chosenone »

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Re: Caught my wife texting another man.
« Reply #32 on: Fri Jan 31, 2014 - 18:41:38 »
Those statistics are alarming indeed, I wonder what the statistics are for Christian marriages?

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Re: Caught my wife texting another man.
« Reply #33 on: Fri Jan 31, 2014 - 21:41:01 »
Chosenone,

I went through all the links. Thanks for providing them.
The first thing that needs to be said is that all these links are opinions, and none of them is statistically based.
And thats the reason why in these four opinions you have data varying from 17% to 80%.
Whatever claim is made in these opinions, the source of their data is not mentioned.

Nevertheless, none of the statistics claim anywhere close to what you are claiming.
You say: "This why 50% of married people now have affairs"
Since a marriage is between two people, basically what you are claiming is that at any given moment in any given marriage, one partner is presently having an affair (on average).

Statistically speaking that would translate to: "in 100% of all marriages, one partner has an affair". (on average)

If you would to have a look at registered statistics, such as those which are listed on Wikipedia, you will find much lower and far more realistic figures.
Unfortunately the data on Wikipedia is a bit outdated. They are however real statistics and properly documented.

One of your links mentions a source "Journal of Couple and Relationship Therapy", you can find it here:
http://www.statisticbrain.com/infidelity-statistics/

So lets focus on this for a second.
The focus must be on line 4&5
From here you see that (male) - 1 in 5 marriages, the man has strayed and (female) 1 in 8 marriages.
So combined, you can say that on average in 20% of marriages, one partner has strayed.

If I were to translate that to what you have claimed, the correct wording would be: "This why 16% of married people now have affairs"
And actually this is also untrue, because you insinuate that people "now" have affairs.
None of the studies claim such a thing. In particular the study we are looking at claims that "have strayed at least once during their married lives".
This insinuates that this could have happened in the past, or in a previous marriage, but it doesnt say it is presently going on or is repeating itself.

Offline chosenone

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Re: Caught my wife texting another man.
« Reply #34 on: Sat Feb 01, 2014 - 02:54:39 »
Chosenone,

I went through all the links. Thanks for providing them.
The first thing that needs to be said is that all these links are opinions, and none of them is statistically based.
And thats the reason why in these four opinions you have data varying from 17% to 80%.
Whatever claim is made in these opinions, the source of their data is not mentioned.

Nevertheless, none of the statistics claim anywhere close to what you are claiming.
You say: "This why 50% of married people now have affairs"
Since a marriage is between two people, basically what you are claiming is that at any given moment in any given marriage, one partner is presently having an affair (on average).

Statistically speaking that would translate to: "in 100% of all marriages, one partner has an affair". (on average)

If you would to have a look at registered statistics, such as those which are listed on Wikipedia, you will find much lower and far more realistic figures.
Unfortunately the data on Wikipedia is a bit outdated. They are however real statistics and properly documented.

One of your links mentions a source "Journal of Couple and Relationship Therapy", you can find it here:
http://www.statisticbrain.com/infidelity-statistics/

So lets focus on this for a second.
The focus must be on line 4&5
From here you see that (male) - 1 in 5 marriages, the man has strayed and (female) 1 in 8 marriages.
So combined, you can say that on average in 20% of marriages, one partner has strayed.

If I were to translate that to what you have claimed, the correct wording would be: "This why 16% of married people now have affairs"
And actually this is also untrue, because you insinuate that people "now" have affairs.
None of the studies claim such a thing. In particular the study we are looking at claims that "have strayed at least once during their married lives".
This insinuates that this could have happened in the past, or in a previous marriage, but it doesnt say it is presently going on or is repeating itself.
 

The source was mentioned in some of them AVZ. 

You said
Nevertheless, none of the statistics claim anywhere close to what you are claiming.
You say: "This why 50% of married people now have affairs"
Since a marriage is between two people, basically what you are claiming is that at any given moment in any given marriage, one partner is presently having an affair (on average).

 No, what I sad was that 50% of people will cheat 'at some point' in their marriage, which doesn't mean NOW, but at some point.  IT may only be once in a 40 year marriage, but it did happen. It may have been many times in that marriage.

The figure of 50% is borne in my own experience of life, so I am not at all surprised by it, and that is only the people who I KNOW had affairs.   As I said, if you don't know many who have cheated I am pleased for you, but its rife, and its getting worse. Faithfulness seems to be a dirty word these days and of course satan is out to destroy marriages..  Most people agree that since more and more women are mixing with men in the workplace, the number of wives cheating has risen dramatically, and that is sad.  They are fast catching up with the men, and I agree with that because nearly all the wives I know who cheated, did it with work colleagues. Its a real danger area where firm boundaries are needed.
« Last Edit: Sat Feb 01, 2014 - 03:05:11 by chosenone »