Author Topic: Caught my wife texting another man.  (Read 22315 times)

0 Members and 2 Guests are viewing this topic.

Offline chosenone

  • Global Moderator
  • *****
  • Posts: 30908
  • Manna: 538
  • Gender: Female
Re: Caught my wife texting another man.
« Reply #35 on: Sat Feb 01, 2014 - 03:08:33 »
Those statistics are alarming indeed, I wonder what the statistics are for Christian marriages?

Must admit that few of the affairs I know about were with Christians, but some were, and of course I am sure we all know of affairs between Christians(or where one was a Christian). I certainly do. We hear of many marriages here on this forum where a Christian husband or wife cheated.

Christian Forums and Message Board

Re: Caught my wife texting another man.
« Reply #35 on: Sat Feb 01, 2014 - 03:08:33 »

AVZ

  • Guest
Re: Caught my wife texting another man.
« Reply #36 on: Sat Feb 01, 2014 - 03:35:20 »
Chosenone,

I went through all the links. Thanks for providing them.
The first thing that needs to be said is that all these links are opinions, and none of them is statistically based.
And thats the reason why in these four opinions you have data varying from 17% to 80%.
Whatever claim is made in these opinions, the source of their data is not mentioned.

Nevertheless, none of the statistics claim anywhere close to what you are claiming.
You say: "This why 50% of married people now have affairs"
Since a marriage is between two people, basically what you are claiming is that at any given moment in any given marriage, one partner is presently having an affair (on average).

Statistically speaking that would translate to: "in 100% of all marriages, one partner has an affair". (on average)

If you would to have a look at registered statistics, such as those which are listed on Wikipedia, you will find much lower and far more realistic figures.
Unfortunately the data on Wikipedia is a bit outdated. They are however real statistics and properly documented.

One of your links mentions a source "Journal of Couple and Relationship Therapy", you can find it here:
http://www.statisticbrain.com/infidelity-statistics/

So lets focus on this for a second.
The focus must be on line 4&5
From here you see that (male) - 1 in 5 marriages, the man has strayed and (female) 1 in 8 marriages.
So combined, you can say that on average in 20% of marriages, one partner has strayed.

If I were to translate that to what you have claimed, the correct wording would be: "This why 16% of married people now have affairs"
And actually this is also untrue, because you insinuate that people "now" have affairs.
None of the studies claim such a thing. In particular the study we are looking at claims that "have strayed at least once during their married lives".
This insinuates that this could have happened in the past, or in a previous marriage, but it doesnt say it is presently going on or is repeating itself.
 

The source was mentioned in some of them AVZ. 

You said
Nevertheless, none of the statistics claim anywhere close to what you are claiming.
You say: "This why 50% of married people now have affairs"
Since a marriage is between two people, basically what you are claiming is that at any given moment in any given marriage, one partner is presently having an affair (on average).

 No, what I sad was that 50% of people will cheat 'at some point' in their marriage, which doesn't mean NOW, but at some point.  IT may only be once in a 40 year marriage, but it did happen. It may have been many times in that marriage.

The figure of 50% is borne in my own experience of life, so I am not at all surprised by it, and that is only the people who I KNOW had affairs.   As I said, if you don't know many who have cheated I am pleased for you, but its rife, and its getting worse. Faithfulness seems to be a dirty word these days and of course satan is out to destroy marriages..  Most people agree that since more and more women are mixing with men in the workplace, the number of wives cheating has risen dramatically, and that is sad.  They are fast catching up with the men, and I agree with that because nearly all the wives I know who cheated, did it with work colleagues. Its a real danger area where firm boundaries are needed.



Chosenone,

Please check back your post #19 in this thread: "This why 50% of married people now have affairs"
You may have meant something else, but this is really what you said and claimed.

See, if I were to take your own experience as a guideline for the rest of the world, then how seriously shall I take a person who comes up to me saying that all Christians are bloodthirsty murderers?
Obviously, by your standards, if that is his experience...then it must be true. Right?

Or how about the tons of people who say that all Christians are backwards, uneducated and dumb?
They must be right too...if that is their experience.

Yes I do agree that unfaithfulness is all around, but to say that it has become worse over the years???
You really think people 30 years ago were more faithful than people today, or people 100 years ago were? Or 500 years ago?

What has changed since 1 Corinthians 5?

Offline chosenone

  • Global Moderator
  • *****
  • Posts: 30908
  • Manna: 538
  • Gender: Female
Re: Caught my wife texting another man.
« Reply #37 on: Sat Feb 01, 2014 - 03:46:58 »
Chosenone,

I went through all the links. Thanks for providing them.
The first thing that needs to be said is that all these links are opinions, and none of them is statistically based.
And thats the reason why in these four opinions you have data varying from 17% to 80%.
Whatever claim is made in these opinions, the source of their data is not mentioned.

Nevertheless, none of the statistics claim anywhere close to what you are claiming.
You say: "This why 50% of married people now have affairs"
Since a marriage is between two people, basically what you are claiming is that at any given moment in any given marriage, one partner is presently having an affair (on average).

Statistically speaking that would translate to: "in 100% of all marriages, one partner has an affair". (on average)

If you would to have a look at registered statistics, such as those which are listed on Wikipedia, you will find much lower and far more realistic figures.
Unfortunately the data on Wikipedia is a bit outdated. They are however real statistics and properly documented.

One of your links mentions a source "Journal of Couple and Relationship Therapy", you can find it here:
http://www.statisticbrain.com/infidelity-statistics/

So lets focus on this for a second.
The focus must be on line 4&5
From here you see that (male) - 1 in 5 marriages, the man has strayed and (female) 1 in 8 marriages.
So combined, you can say that on average in 20% of marriages, one partner has strayed.

If I were to translate that to what you have claimed, the correct wording would be: "This why 16% of married people now have affairs"
And actually this is also untrue, because you insinuate that people "now" have affairs.
None of the studies claim such a thing. In particular the study we are looking at claims that "have strayed at least once during their married lives".
This insinuates that this could have happened in the past, or in a previous marriage, but it doesnt say it is presently going on or is repeating itself.
 

The source was mentioned in some of them AVZ. 

You said
Nevertheless, none of the statistics claim anywhere close to what you are claiming.
You say: "This why 50% of married people now have affairs"
Since a marriage is between two people, basically what you are claiming is that at any given moment in any given marriage, one partner is presently having an affair (on average).

 No, what I sad was that 50% of people will cheat 'at some point' in their marriage, which doesn't mean NOW, but at some point.  IT may only be once in a 40 year marriage, but it did happen. It may have been many times in that marriage.

The figure of 50% is borne in my own experience of life, so I am not at all surprised by it, and that is only the people who I KNOW had affairs.   As I said, if you don't know many who have cheated I am pleased for you, but its rife, and its getting worse. Faithfulness seems to be a dirty word these days and of course satan is out to destroy marriages..  Most people agree that since more and more women are mixing with men in the workplace, the number of wives cheating has risen dramatically, and that is sad.  They are fast catching up with the men, and I agree with that because nearly all the wives I know who cheated, did it with work colleagues. Its a real danger area where firm boundaries are needed.



Chosenone,

Please check back your post #19 in this thread: "This why 50% of married people now have affairs"
You may have meant something else, but this is really what you said and claimed.

See, if I were to take your own experience as a guideline for the rest of the world, then how seriously shall I take a person who comes up to me saying that all Christians are bloodthirsty murderers?
Obviously, by your standards, if that is his experience...then it must be true. Right?

Or how about the tons of people who say that all Christians are backwards, uneducated and dumb?
They must be right too...if that is their experience.

Yes I do agree that unfaithfulness is all around, but to say that it has become worse over the years???
You really think people 30 years ago were more faithful than people today, or people 100 years ago were? Or 500 years ago?

What has changed since 1 Corinthians 5?
 

When I said 'now' that means now as in 'these days' rather than now as in 'right now'. Sorry for that confusion.

Yes and I think that the number of people cheating has gone up a lot compared to, say, 50-60 or so years ago, when few married women worked, and workplaces were far more 'men only' and 'women only' places. The opportunities are so much greater now for affairs, and morals seem to have sunk so low now compared to then. No one even lived together before marriage when I was growing up in the late 50s and 60's. It was just not on. Now it only seems to be a few Christians who don't live together till marriage, and sadly many Christians do that anyway.
I mean there are websites now specifically for married people who want to meet other married people for sex. Its very sad.

Christian Forums and Message Board

Re: Caught my wife texting another man.
« Reply #37 on: Sat Feb 01, 2014 - 03:46:58 »

Offline End Times Guru

  • Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 47
  • Manna: 1
  • (T)ogether (E)veryone (A)chieves (M)ore
Re: Caught my wife texting another man.
« Reply #38 on: Sat Feb 01, 2014 - 10:40:12 »
My wife of 17 years had recently re-entered the workplace. She works an odd schedule of a couple hours in the AM then off for several hours then works another couple hours in the afternoon.  She has always been very outgoing and it is one of the things i truly love about her.  So she has been making new friends and getting together with the group during the day for breakfast after the AM shift.  She also started hanging out with one particular girl at work.  Not a ton, just every once and a while she would meet her and her husband out at a bar to hang out.  She also has started to work out and diet and has lost over 60 lbs and looks just amazing.  I am so proud of how dedicated she is to get back into shape.
 
As time went on, I started to just have this feeling that something was up, then when she told me that her new friend was having a Halloween party and that she knew I probably didn't want to go.  It was a little odd, because normally she tries to talk me into going to these types of things, but this time it was almost as if she didn't want me to come.  I said something to her and she said that well if you want I can text you and see how long i'm gonna stay, and after you get the younger kids to bed you could come out and meet me.  (we have for children, two youngsters and two teenagers so we weren't abandoning our kids the older ones babysit all the time).  Later that night she texted me and asked if I was coming... I told her that I was planning on it, but had kind of settled in and wasn't sure.  I asked her how much longer she was staying and she said she wasn't sure.  That there were only a 3 people that she knew from work and blah, blah blah,  I got the impression that she wouldn't be there long enough to warranty the 20 minute drive out there.  That was the last i heard from her until she came home at 2:00am, almost 4 hours after we talked about her not staying much longer. 

I didn't confront her that night as i was pretty angry and just pretended to be asleep, the next morning, I tried to talk to her and asked her what happened?  Why she came home so late?  Why not a text saying, "hey, i'm having fun now, gonna stay for awhile?"  She got defensive, and I got angry.  I said that I thought something was going on.  She said absolutely not, i stormed off and we didn't really talk for two days.

During that time I started snooping around and looked at our phone bill and noticed how much she had been texting.  I downloaded the bill into a spreadsheet format and was able to sort them by number and one number showed up more than any other.  In one month, she sent and recieved over 200 texts from this number.  I picked up her phone that night and found out that there wasn't one text from that number still on her phone.  She was deleting them. 

I confronted her and asked if there was anything going on in her life that she would be ashamed of me finding out?  She said absolutely not.  I said OK, I want to believe you, but first I need to know who's phone # is xxx-xxx-xxxx?  Because she sent over 25% of all her texts that month to that number.  I asked who this person was (i already knew from looking at her contacts) and she fumbled around and I could she she was flustered but she pretended not to know who's number that was.  Finally she admited it was a guy from work, but they were just buddies and that he is like and older brother to her.  I asked her why she would delete the messages if they were so innocent and she didn't have an answer.

That is where we are now,  I know I love my wife.  She is the most important person on this planet to me, but while she admits that she shouldn't have been texting another guy and certainly shouldn't have been hiding from me, she doesn't consider what she did as all that bad.  I consider it and emotional affair.  She says nothing physical or intimate happend and i do believe her.  The messages that I was able to recover seem to only be freindly.  She admits that there may have been a few flirty ones, but I was unable to find them. 

I'm trying to figure out how to heal, but the one thing that is still bothering me is how defensive she got when I told her that I thought the other mans wife should know about this seceret relationship too.  That I would want to know, and that if she was in her position, she would want to know.  She's begging me to not notify her.  I'm not trying to humilate my wife, but when she is so casual with telling me how there was nothing really there, but so adamatly against filling in the other mans wife, it causes doubt.

I want to forgive my wife and am working and praying through that process.  I just don't want to be blind and move on if she is not being honest with me.....

please advise...

I was victimized by this at the same time you were.  My wife came to Christ via a co-worker.  They immediately started up an emotional affair that didn't last long.  The affair nearly turned physical.  We have two young children at home.  My wife went so far as to planning out a new life with this person.  We have been married a long time.  She has had tremendous difficulty cutting off the affair.  She seems to have been the pursuer, but he certainly wasn't innocent either.  He is also married, but apparently divorcing as his wife was having an affair on him.  Lovely Christians - all.  At any rate, my wife has other problems, and I am convinced that she is still trying to figure out a way to leave me and make a life with the affair partner.  She also thought that the kids would go along for the ride and that we would ALL get along as some sort of extended family.  Pure fantasy.  And apparently he has kids as well.  Even as I write this, my wife treats me coldly and distantly.  We are in counseling.  She reads the bible a lot and listens to sermons as well as consults with friends and Christian books.  When she first told me of the affair, she admitted that she still wanted to be with him and then tried to force me to walk out on the marriage.  Then she tried to reconcile and showed some effort in that process, but she maintained casual work contact with the affair partner.  Each step she took to cut it off caused her to be meaner towards me and more depressed about the situation.  She no longer works with the company and is in the throws of depression, probably as the final tie is cut.  (Of course, she could still contact him on the side and may do so.)  She has told herself that God would not bless that relationship and that it would not please God for her to divorce me and break up the home.  So she wants to restore our marriage according to God's Plan for married couples and for the kids.  My sense of it is that she is either still trying to get me to walk so that she can pretend to be righteous and pretend to be the victim, OR she is having tremendous difficulty coming back to our marriage when she had emotionally, spiritually, and intellectually checked out and fantasized about building a life with her Christ-giver.  The point is, all of these things tend to start out innocently enough.  Be careful with assuming it is nothing.  As someone else said, your wife believes she has some sort of deficit with you, often times it is the lack of an emotional connection and maybe a spiritual connection.  Of course, I think she would have a lot of nerve to go outside the marriage to fulfill that.  But as others have said, people do it.  My wife did it.  I have hurt for several months over this.  I am just now getting past the pain.  Of course, I don't know if we will make it or not.  But she can't hurt me anymore.  She did enough of that.  But I am not going to file for the divorce and knowingly send my kids into that situation, which has other major social dysfunction that I will not describe here.  She is the one who has changed and after a lengthy marriage decided she isn't happy and wants to be with her Christ-giver.  Good.  She needs to file for the divorce and carry all the consequences and burdens she will have with her children by destroying the family for an affair partner.  Nothing like a mother teaching her kids betrayal, lying, cheating and disloyalty through her example.  Positively awful.  She needs to wear those consequences, not me.  Being a Christian, however, she has said she will not file for the divorce, so, for now at least,  you can call me "unhappily married".

Nearly turned physical?  From the sounds of your situation, I would highly doubt that.  I know of a family from my hometown, where the wife was having an affair on the husband.   He didn't divorce her, the relationship was somewhat toxic as you describe.  The children had major social dysfunctions and caused problems with them long term.

Christian Forums and Message Board

Re: Caught my wife texting another man.
« Reply #38 on: Sat Feb 01, 2014 - 10:40:12 »

Offline TJW

  • Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 487
  • Manna: 14
Re: Caught my wife texting another man.
« Reply #39 on: Sat Feb 01, 2014 - 13:23:32 »
Quote
He didn't divorce her, the relationship was somewhat toxic as you describe.  The children had major social dysfunctions and caused problems with them long term.

Yep.  My experience (first-hand) is quite the same.  I was married to a cheater, I stayed in the relationship because I thought it was "best" to keep the family together for the kids.

Quote
Nothing like a mother teaching her kids betrayal, lying, cheating and disloyalty through her example.  Positively awful.  She needs to wear those consequences, not me.

That's how I felt, too.  Only problem:  is that it was the kids who wore the consequences.  She died 4 years after her affairs.  However, the kids lived on in the muck and mire of what she taught them.

I recognize, now, after nearly 3 decades, that the "best" thing I could have done was to throw her the hell out of our lives and give my kids ONE GOOD PARENT who was trying to live a Christian life.  They would have been a lot better off with a single dad than with two parents, one of whom was a trollop.

One of my sons who endured this nightmare tragically died at age 27.  He was a nonvocal quadriplegic, so it was very difficult to ascertain what effect all this had on him.

My elder son grew up to marry a woman who left him in the hospital with 12 stitches in his face.
« Last Edit: Sat Feb 01, 2014 - 13:28:28 by TJW »

Christian Forums and Message Board

Re: Caught my wife texting another man.
« Reply #39 on: Sat Feb 01, 2014 - 13:23:32 »



Offline chosenone

  • Global Moderator
  • *****
  • Posts: 30908
  • Manna: 538
  • Gender: Female
Re: Caught my wife texting another man.
« Reply #40 on: Sat Feb 01, 2014 - 15:00:24 »
Quote
He didn't divorce her, the relationship was somewhat toxic as you describe.  The children had major social dysfunctions and caused problems with them long term.

Yep.  My experience (first-hand) is quite the same.  I was married to a cheater, I stayed in the relationship because I thought it was "best" to keep the family together for the kids.

Quote
Nothing like a mother teaching her kids betrayal, lying, cheating and disloyalty through her example.  Positively awful.  She needs to wear those consequences, not me.

That's how I felt, too.  Only problem:  is that it was the kids who wore the consequences.  She died 4 years after her affairs.  However, the kids lived on in the muck and mire of what she taught them.

I recognize, now, after nearly 3 decades, that the "best" thing I could have done was to throw her the hell out of our lives and give my kids ONE GOOD PARENT who was trying to live a Christian life.  They would have been a lot better off with a single dad than with two parents, one of whom was a trollop.

One of my sons who endured this nightmare tragically died at age 27.  He was a nonvocal quadriplegic, so it was very difficult to ascertain what effect all this had on him.

My elder son grew up to marry a woman who left him in the hospital with 12 stitches in his face.



 I think you are right TJW. I would never stay with a man who cheated or who was such a terrible influence on my children.

Christian Forums and Message Board

Re: Caught my wife texting another man.
« Reply #40 on: Sat Feb 01, 2014 - 15:00:24 »

Offline Texas Conservative

  • Certified Resident Board Genius....The MAN, the MYTH, the LEGEND!
  • Legendary Member
  • ******
  • Posts: 9937
  • Manna: 372
  • My church is 100% right, Your church is 100% wrong
Re: Caught my wife texting another man and it cost me ninety nine
« Reply #41 on: Sun Feb 11, 2018 - 18:55:26 »
One a prison farm in Georgia, Close to the Florida line.....