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Offline BoatRocker

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Church asked us to leave after wife's affair
« on: Wed May 31, 2017 - 03:16:12 »
My wife and I have been married for 14 years.   We are both heavily involved in our small church (about 160 active weekly members).  She is the Chairman of the children's committee and I sit on the same children's committee and am also chairman of the men's ministry, media, and web ministries and also serve on long range planning.

Recently my wife had an affair with another man at the church and I caught them together in the church in a darkened room during the morning service last weekend.  Just to cut through everything - we have already found the source of why she cheated.  We have both acknowledged our mistakes and she is already 100% on board with making a complete 100% effort to counseling as I have already forgiven her for the affair.  Yes I am hurt... devastated.  She understands and has taken 100% responsibility for her actions and I am choosing to stay at her side if she commits to a few things and we start down a very long road to regain trust in the marriage starting with putting God first again instead of church first.  But this IS NOT the issue for my post... not entirely anyway.

We have made very dear friends in the church that immediately came to both of our sides offering prayer and support during our crisis.  But the reason for my post is that our Pastor, Assistant Pastor, and Deacons have all remained 100% silent.  We both agreed immediately that we should end our involvement with our committees and I immediately resigned my position as chairman of my committees as did she... we understand that we are not currently qualified to lead and must first begin making God first in our marriage again.  But instead of the Pastor and leadership offering counsel or even prayer... we were told that it would be best for us to leave the church by one of the board members of the church who immediately asked for our letter resigning as members.  But the Pastor and other leaders wouldn't even look us in the eye when we went up to the church today to begin resigning our positions and assist in turning all of our things over to whoever the new chairpeople may be.

Instead they were busy reviewing video tapes to determine if the church had any liability when I walked in on my wife and the other man and then told him to leave and followed him to the parking lot where he got in his car and left.  I was told that they had contacted the other man as well as the 2 other people that were in the hallway when I caught them and were in the security room review tapes to check for any legal liabilities.  They never reached out to us in any way.  They never involved themselves with the crowd of people that came to our side immediately following my discovery.

I thought the Pastor and Associate Pastor were my friends.  We have worked very very closely with them for 4 years.  Our church is so small that it is like a big family.  I have made a prior post about my concerns regarding our Pastor's qualifications but I never expected to be completely shunned even to the point of them avoiding eye contact and was told by other leaders that they agree we should leave the church and that if we would agree to resign quietly they would not submit a formal letter of expulsion. 

When I needed my church... their prayers, their support, their guidance... we instead received our walking papers.  We were widely known as the "go-to" people if you wanted anything done in the church.  Most (over 50%) of the conversations in our home were about the church and our responsibilities in our various committees.  We were the "every time the doors are open" family.  No, I never expected to be on the victim end of an affair, but I've chosen to stand by her as she has already admitted everything and we both want desperately to heal our family.. but I also never expected for our church to turn their backs on us.

Am I wrong in expecting our church to help us heal and offer to be a source of assistance during our long road ahead?  Or were they right to ask for our absence to avoid scandal?
« Last Edit: Wed May 31, 2017 - 03:22:54 by BoatRocker »

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Church asked us to leave after wife's affair
« on: Wed May 31, 2017 - 03:16:12 »

Offline chosenone

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Re: Church asked us to leave after wife's affair
« Reply #1 on: Wed May 31, 2017 - 03:39:10 »
OK, you say that you have already found 'the source' of why she cheated, do you mean apart from the fact that she has low moral values and little integrity? Not only did she cheat, but she did it during a church service in the same building. Wow. That's pretty low ::frown::  She alone is responsible, NOT you. Don't accept any responsibility for this. She choose to do this. OK, you have forgiven her(already???)but don't let that stop you allowing your feelings of pain, betrayal, deep hurt and anger to come out. 

Make sure that she sets strong boundaries with other men in the future and gives you access to all of her phones computer etc.There must be some accountability for this or it may happen again. 

I am not sure why you had to resign any of your posts, you did nothing, but being that they have sent the OM away, then it only seems fair that they do the same with your wife.They were equally responsible after all. They could have acted better by giving both your wife and the OM a chance to repent, but how would it have been with him and her still there? I wouldn't have wanted to be in the same church as a lady who had cheated with any husband I had had.
Not sure why they were worried about any liability, it was the fault of your wife and the OM. They can't be responsible for how people act, but with the suing culture now people do get a bit paranoid.

You had the support of many friends, that's good, and would you even want to carry on at that church with the memories of her conducting her affair in that building? Surely a fresh start when no one knows you would be best? Every time you went there you would remember what happened, so it may be a blessing in disguise.
« Last Edit: Wed May 31, 2017 - 14:00:16 by chosenone »

Offline BoatRocker

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Re: Church asked us to leave after wife's affair
« Reply #2 on: Wed May 31, 2017 - 03:42:47 »
They didn't send him away.  Actually I'm not sure what the outcome was of their conversation but I've been told it was strictly to find out if I was violent with him.  I'm the one that made him leave when I walked in on them.  So, to my knowledge he hasn't received any actual retribution.

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Re: Church asked us to leave after wife's affair
« Reply #2 on: Wed May 31, 2017 - 03:42:47 »

Offline RB

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Re: Church asked us to leave after wife's affair
« Reply #3 on: Wed May 31, 2017 - 04:20:10 »
Recently my wife had an affair with another man at the church and I caught them together in the church in a darkened room during the morning service last weekend.
This is just about as low as a professor can go to insult God and sin against their spouse! You would expect some fear of God doing such wickedness in a place of worship!
Quote
  Just to cut through everything - we have already found the source of why she cheated. 
Well now, have you really? She sinned against God and you because of her sinful heart, and unbelief in God...that's the truth, there are no other reasons. All others are nothing more than excuses for her wicked sins of not ruling her spirit in the fear of God, especially so in the place where he is worship, which makes her sins greater.
Quote
We have both acknowledged our mistakes
Do not allow yourself OR your wife to bring any shortcomings that you may, or may not have, into her sin of adultery.  Her sin is hers NOT yours. We all have shortcomings that we can improve on, so what? That does not give another person a "right" or an excuse for their sins.
Quote
She understands and has taken 100% responsibility for her actions
It seems to me that she's 100% ashamed that she got caught and where she got caught. You have not said anything in your post that leads me to believe that she has done this:
Quote
2nd Corinthians 7:9-11~"Now I rejoice, not that ye were made sorry, but that ye sorrowed to repentance: for ye were made sorry after a godly manner, that ye might receive damage by us in nothing. For godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation not to be repented of: but the sorrow of the world worketh death. For behold this selfsame thing, that ye sorrowed after a godly sort, what carefulness it wrought in you, yea, what clearing of yourselves, yea, what indignation, yea, what fear, yea, what vehement desire, yea, what zeal, yea, what revenge! In all things ye have approved yourselves to be clear in this matter."
If you want to judge to see if your wife has godly sorrow, or the kind the world offers in its place when they get caught, then use these scriptures to test her, not her words.
Quote
But this IS NOT the issue for my post... not entirely anyway.
Well it really IS, for you must decide if she has followed 2nd Corinthians 7:9-11.
Quote
I thought the Pastor and Associate Pastor were my friends.
DO not judge them, but the sin that was committed. I'm sure it not about YOU, but the terrible sins that was committed where THEY TOO WORSHIP. I'll close with this.....I think it would be wise and for the peace of that church for you and your wife to move on with a fresh start, IF her heart is truly toward you, if not, then I would work on that most important question and decide what is best moving forward. It would be almost impossible to trusts your wife again~but if you can and are willing not to bring it up, then do as you feel you should do, with me, it would be over.

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Re: Church asked us to leave after wife's affair
« Reply #3 on: Wed May 31, 2017 - 04:20:10 »

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Re: Church asked us to leave after wife's affair
« Reply #4 on: Wed May 31, 2017 - 04:54:20 »
My wife and I have been married for 14 years.   We are both heavily involved in our small church (about 160 active weekly members).  She is the Chairman of the children's committee and I sit on the same children's committee and am also chairman of the men's ministry, media, and web ministries and also serve on long range planning.

Recently my wife had an affair with another man at the church and I caught them together in the church in a darkened room during the morning service last weekend.  Just to cut through everything - we have already found the source of why she cheated.  We have both acknowledged our mistakes and she is already 100% on board with making a complete 100% effort to counseling as I have already forgiven her for the affair.  Yes I am hurt... devastated.  She understands and has taken 100% responsibility for her actions and I am choosing to stay at her side if she commits to a few things and we start down a very long road to regain trust in the marriage starting with putting God first again instead of church first.  But this IS NOT the issue for my post... not entirely anyway.

We have made very dear friends in the church that immediately came to both of our sides offering prayer and support during our crisis.  But the reason for my post is that our Pastor, Assistant Pastor, and Deacons have all remained 100% silent.  We both agreed immediately that we should end our involvement with our committees and I immediately resigned my position as chairman of my committees as did she... we understand that we are not currently qualified to lead and must first begin making God first in our marriage again.  But instead of the Pastor and leadership offering counsel or even prayer... we were told that it would be best for us to leave the church by one of the board members of the church who immediately asked for our letter resigning as members.  But the Pastor and other leaders wouldn't even look us in the eye when we went up to the church today to begin resigning our positions and assist in turning all of our things over to whoever the new chairpeople may be.

Instead they were busy reviewing video tapes to determine if the church had any liability when I walked in on my wife and the other man and then told him to leave and followed him to the parking lot where he got in his car and left.  I was told that they had contacted the other man as well as the 2 other people that were in the hallway when I caught them and were in the security room review tapes to check for any legal liabilities.  They never reached out to us in any way.  They never involved themselves with the crowd of people that came to our side immediately following my discovery.

I thought the Pastor and Associate Pastor were my friends.  We have worked very very closely with them for 4 years.  Our church is so small that it is like a big family.  I have made a prior post about my concerns regarding our Pastor's qualifications but I never expected to be completely shunned even to the point of them avoiding eye contact and was told by other leaders that they agree we should leave the church and that if we would agree to resign quietly they would not submit a formal letter of expulsion. 

When I needed my church... their prayers, their support, their guidance... we instead received our walking papers.  We were widely known as the "go-to" people if you wanted anything done in the church.  Most (over 50%) of the conversations in our home were about the church and our responsibilities in our various committees.  We were the "every time the doors are open" family.  No, I never expected to be on the victim end of an affair, but I've chosen to stand by her as she has already admitted everything and we both want desperately to heal our family.. but I also never expected for our church to turn their backs on us.

Am I wrong in expecting our church to help us heal and offer to be a source of assistance during our long road ahead?  Or were they right to ask for our absence to avoid scandal?

I think the Church made the right choice giving the circumstances.

You have forgiven your wife and you want to move on with her, then you will have to share her burden.
The church cannot separate you two, as in, you can come to church and she cannot.

The church can also not keep both you and the other couple in church.
You guys will always be the one couple who cheated on the other, during services, on church premises.
You will never be able to start afresh in the same church.

The church also cannot tell you and your wife to stay, and send away the other couple.
That could be interpreted as the church taking sides.

I think the church is doing right by themselves, and right by you to ask you to leave.
It really is the only reasonable option available, and it offers the best opportunity for healing for all involved.
« Last Edit: Wed May 31, 2017 - 05:02:27 by AVZ »

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Re: Church asked us to leave after wife's affair
« Reply #4 on: Wed May 31, 2017 - 04:54:20 »



Offline chosenone

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Re: Church asked us to leave after wife's affair
« Reply #5 on: Wed May 31, 2017 - 06:41:47 »
I agree with RB and AVZ, it's easy to say you are sorry when you are caught. She wasn't sorry enough to stop it was she.  If you hadn't caught them it would have carried on. How is that sorrow and repentance? Being truly repentant is doing it once and then going to the cheated on spouse and begging for their forgiveness and not in any way blaming them for their actions. There is NO excuse ever for an affair, and in a church is just appalling. I hope the leaders there will have some prayer in that room and the church in general.

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Re: Church asked us to leave after wife's affair
« Reply #5 on: Wed May 31, 2017 - 06:41:47 »

Offline Monique

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Re: Church asked us to leave after wife's affair
« Reply #6 on: Thu Jun 01, 2017 - 16:22:58 »
Hi Boatrocker,

I briefly read the other replies to your thoughts. I must say that everyone has an opinion and view point. However, I truly feel in my heart that the church was WRONG and I mean DEAD WRONG!

Why is it that Christ can forgive and throw our sins in the sea of forgetfulness and we can't? Why do people judge others because they view that person's sin more WRONG than the next sin? Well guess what people....including myself....SIN is SIN and all SIN leads to death.

That's what the word says in Romans 6:23 " For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ out Lord." Therefore, yes she sinned in the church and if she repented to God and he has forgiven the sin, then her soul is still right in HIS EYES.

As far as you...Boatrocker, I commend you for standing by your wife!. We are such JUDGEMENTAL people. That is your wife and you are her covering! Its a blessing you and your wife figured out where issues were raised in your marriage. You don't need to tell us any of it. I like that you keep your post simple and to the point.

It's a good thing you shared it. So yes, back to the issue at hand...the church was WRONG. I do agree with another member that it was good for you two to leave because you will be looked upon differently.

However, that's why the church is here for fellowship, prayer, and unity. Leadership should have called you two in the office for prayer and counseling. Furthermore, Boatrocker...remember they want to keep a clean surface to look good and receive more members.

BUT what about the ones that are in your church and sin ( see imagine if we see the sin they do behind closed doors). Then the church might have to close all doors.

Don't worry! God sees all and knows all. This is a testimony for your wife. The Lord is going to use this situation in a mighty way for you two. I will pray for your marriage because faith and prayer is the power that moves mountains.

God is always first! Family is second, then the church! Remember WE are HIS temple...so act like it people!

Encourage your wife that this is not the end. Also, remember that that was a spirit behind all of this anyway. God told me to always love the person because the spirit is what we war against daily.

When it comes to speaking what's right I can write a book. Be bless Boatrocker...to your wife and family as well.

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Re: Church asked us to leave after wife's affair
« Reply #7 on: Thu Jun 01, 2017 - 16:43:08 »


Why is it that Christ can forgive and throw our sins in the sea of forgetfulness and we can't?

Because He's Christ and we're not. Because we're human, with all the weaknesses that come with being human and in need of our Savior's help.


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Re: Church asked us to leave after wife's affair
« Reply #8 on: Thu Jun 01, 2017 - 16:48:08 »


Why is it that Christ can forgive and throw our sins in the sea of forgetfulness and we can't?

Because He's Christ and we're not. Because we're human, with all the weaknesses that come with being human and in need of our Savior's help.

Judging by this posters (thread owner) previous posts, this is not his first issue with the church leadership.


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Re: Church asked us to leave after wife's affair
« Reply #8 on: Thu Jun 01, 2017 - 16:48:08 »

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Re: Church asked us to leave after wife's affair
« Reply #9 on: Thu Jun 01, 2017 - 16:54:30 »
BoatRocker, so sorry for your painful dilemma, but I don't quite understand why you'd even want to stay there. Walking by that room would be a constant reminder of what you discovered there. If your wife's lover stays there, seeing him would be a constant painful reminder. It would be a constant battle - checking to see if she's making eye contact with her former lover. To me, it looks like a fresh start somewhere else would be best.


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Re: Church asked us to leave after wife's affair
« Reply #10 on: Thu Jun 01, 2017 - 17:15:11 »
BoatRocker, so sorry for your painful dilemma, but I don't quite understand why you'd even want to stay there. Walking by that room would be a constant reminder of what you discovered there. If your wife's lover stays there, seeing him would be a constant painful reminder. It would be a constant battle - checking to see if she's making eye contact with her former lover. To me, it looks like a fresh start somewhere else would be best.

I wouldn't stay with a woman who cheated.  Forgiveness is divine, being a doormat is not. 

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Re: Church asked us to leave after wife's affair
« Reply #11 on: Thu Jun 01, 2017 - 17:23:05 »


I wouldn't stay with a woman who cheated.  Forgiveness is divine, being a doormat is not.

When a husband has an affair, he can genuinely have no intentions of leaving his wife. He can separate the act of sex with a lover from his relationship with his wife.
When a wife has an affair - she's emotionally checked out of her marriage. It's over.





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Re: Church asked us to leave after wife's affair
« Reply #12 on: Thu Jun 01, 2017 - 19:43:16 »
Am I missing something?

Your wife, and by extension you have been asked to leave the church.

But the man you caught your wife with was not?

Why? Is this the same old double standard that men get to do ..... and women can't?

I would run, not walk, away from that church and find a new one to call your church home.

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Re: Church asked us to leave after wife's affair
« Reply #13 on: Thu Jun 01, 2017 - 19:59:47 »
Am I missing something?

Your wife, and by extension you have been asked to leave the church.

But the man you caught your wife with was not?

Why? Is this the same old double standard that men get to do ..... and women can't?

I would run, not walk, away from that church and find a new one to call your church home.

You are missing all his previous posts.

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Re: Church asked us to leave after wife's affair
« Reply #14 on: Thu Jun 01, 2017 - 22:24:51 »
Hi Boatrocker,

I briefly read the other replies to your thoughts. I must say that everyone has an opinion and view point. However, I truly feel in my heart that the church was WRONG and I mean DEAD WRONG!

Why is it that Christ can forgive and throw our sins in the sea of forgetfulness and we can't? Why do people judge others because they view that person's sin more WRONG than the next sin? Well guess what people....including myself....SIN is SIN and all SIN leads to death.

That's what the word says in Romans 6:23 " For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ out Lord." Therefore, yes she sinned in the church and if she repented to God and he has forgiven the sin, then her soul is still right in HIS EYES.

As far as you...Boatrocker, I commend you for standing by your wife!. We are such JUDGEMENTAL people. That is your wife and you are her covering! Its a blessing you and your wife figured out where issues were raised in your marriage. You don't need to tell us any of it. I like that you keep your post simple and to the point.

It's a good thing you shared it. So yes, back to the issue at hand...the church was WRONG. I do agree with another member that it was good for you two to leave because you will be looked upon differently.

However, that's why the church is here for fellowship, prayer, and unity. Leadership should have called you two in the office for prayer and counseling. Furthermore, Boatrocker...remember they want to keep a clean surface to look good and receive more members.

BUT what about the ones that are in your church and sin ( see imagine if we see the sin they do behind closed doors). Then the church might have to close all doors.

Don't worry! God sees all and knows all. This is a testimony for your wife. The Lord is going to use this situation in a mighty way for you two. I will pray for your marriage because faith and prayer is the power that moves mountains.

God is always first! Family is second, then the church! Remember WE are HIS temple...so act like it people!

Encourage your wife that this is not the end. Also, remember that that was a spirit behind all of this anyway. God told me to always love the person because the spirit is what we war against daily.

When it comes to speaking what's right I can write a book. Be bless Boatrocker...to your wife and family as well.

Monique,

You are correct, but the action of the church is not about forgiveness. Clearly the church has a social dilemma to resolve, and they do that by asking the couples to leave.
I don't think they ask the people involved to drop church altogether, I think their advice is they should go to a different church. And that is a wise request.
The fact that the church may pray for these people and forgive them has nothing to do with asking them to go elsewhere.

Do not forget, the church also has an obligation to the sitting members.
How would you feel if (leading) members of the church engage in a-moral practices on church premises, and the leadership of the church forgives them and allows them to continue their exemplary position as teachers?
What if your pastor has an extramarital affair and everybody knows about it. Would you simply accept the apology, let him keep his position and gather under his sermon again next Sunday?

Do not forget, the church also has an obligation to those outside the church.
Any idea what impact it will have for a church if no tangible action is taken? What do you think a non-believer will say if a woman is caught on church grounds having an affair, and the church lets her stay on in her position?


The church was absolutely right asking these couples to leave. If both couples go to another church than that's where they can heal.
They are not separated from God, they are still connected...but elsewhere. The church absolutely made a wise decision and the only correct decision.



But after all is said and done, there is something that I really have to get off my chest.
A woman is found on church premises, during service, in a dark room having an extramarital affair. Where has the respect gone?
I can imagine someone having an affair...but IN A CHURCH and DURING SERVICE??? If it was me I would expect God to strike me dead on the spot, right then and there.
And someone actually has the audacity to criticize or complain about the decision by the church to ask them to leave???

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Re: Church asked us to leave after wife's affair
« Reply #15 on: Fri Jun 02, 2017 - 08:03:10 »
But after all is said and done, there is something that I really have to get off my chest.
A woman is found on church premises, during service, in a dark room having an extramarital affair. Where has the respect gone?
I can imagine someone having an affair...but IN A CHURCH and DURING SERVICE??? If it was me I would expect God to strike me dead on the spot, right then and there.
And someone actually has the audacity to criticize or complain about the decision by the church to ask them to leave???

I don't get standing by your wife in this situation.  The wife clearly has a lack of love, and I would say hate in her heart towards her husband to do this.

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Re: Church asked us to leave after wife's affair
« Reply #16 on: Fri Jun 02, 2017 - 08:46:15 »
But after all is said and done, there is something that I really have to get off my chest.
A woman is found on church premises, during service, in a dark room having an extramarital affair. Where has the respect gone?
I can imagine someone having an affair...but IN A CHURCH and DURING SERVICE??? If it was me I would expect God to strike me dead on the spot, right then and there.
And someone actually has the audacity to criticize or complain about the decision by the church to ask them to leave???

I don't get standing by your wife in this situation.  The wife clearly has a lack of love, and I would say hate in her heart towards her husband to do this.

Yeah, I agree. This betrayal is probably deeper than it appears - more than just your regular fling. There's low (having an affair), then, there's pond scum low (getting it on with your lover in the church building while your husband sits on the pew worshiping God.)

This kind of low reminds me of my cousin, who walked in on her husband and his lover - in the bed she shared with her husband, and the same bed where she had home-birthed his babies. That's pond scum low.

In this situation of scummy low of committing adultery in the church building, with the husband present in the building  - this kind of low not only reflects selfishness of an affair, but also goes further and demonstrates a disdain for God and the husband.

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Re: Church asked us to leave after wife's affair
« Reply #17 on: Fri Jun 02, 2017 - 08:51:02 »


Judging by this posters (thread owner) previous posts, this is not his first issue with the church leadership.

I just went back and read the his previous posts.  ::pondering::

Sometimes it's better to just move on instead of staying. This is definitely one of those times, IMO.


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Re: Church asked us to leave after wife's affair
« Reply #18 on: Fri Jun 02, 2017 - 08:52:09 »


Judging by this posters (thread owner) previous posts, this is not his first issue with the church leadership.

I just went back and read the his previous posts.  ::pondering::

Sometimes it's better to just move on instead of staying. This is definitely one of those times, IMO.

Not just congregation, but wife as well.

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Re: Church asked us to leave after wife's affair
« Reply #19 on: Sun Jun 04, 2017 - 18:11:39 »
I feel for your situation.  While it is bad thing that happened - you can restore your relationship with your wife.  I came across a book you should read.  It is called: Torn Asunder: Recovering from an Extramarital Affair by Dave Carder.  It talks about the steps involved to restore your relationship and resources to get additional help. I would get this book and look at the author's resources on the internet too.

I have heard that most Christians do not know how to handle the topic of restoration after an Affair.  I think for the time being you should find another place to worship and get healing for your marriage.  God can surely forgive this situation - but it will probably take awhile for some of your current church members to get past this. Seek healing for your marriage first and then see what God has in store in regards to your present church and its members. 

Remember Romans 8 v 28. God works for your good.  Pray out to Him.  May God cover you with His Grace!

 

     
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