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Christian Interests => Christian Marriage Forum => Topic started by: kc9403 on Thu Jan 23, 2014 - 11:04:20

Title: Confessing to my spouse
Post by: kc9403 on Thu Jan 23, 2014 - 11:04:20
I'm here today to ask for your support and prayers as I venture into the furnace.

I went on a trip with some buddies and after drinking heavily we went to a strip club. I agreed to a private dance that ended up with some unwanted touching. I broke things off with the dancer there, paid her, and left.

What happened has been weighing on my heart and after some counseling and prayer I realize I have to tell my wife. She knows how much I spent on the trip, but not why I spent so much. I have lied to her about the money I spent and the thing we did on the trip and it's time that I confess.

I wrote a letter that I intend to read to her on Sunday night when we see each other (we've both been traveling for work).

I believe God will help us work through this if my wife is willing to do so. Please pray that God will open her heart to His love, mercy, and grace and that she will eventually find forgiveness for me through those things.

Sunday night will be the most significant night of our marriage since the day we said "I do." The only thing keeping me standing at this point is the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abendigo and the faith they had going into the furnace. Please keep us in your prayers as I step into my own furnace.
Title: Re: Confessing to my spouse
Post by: chosenone on Thu Jan 23, 2014 - 11:32:14
Will do kc and if your wife is willing to forgive and work through this, please please dont go out drinking with mates again, and definitely don't go to any more strip clubs. Getting drunk is never a good idea, and it can lead to all sort of wrong behaviour. Sounds as if you may need to find some more godly mates as well.
Be warned she will be very very hurt. I know I would be devastated, and it may take her a long time to be able to trust you again, so be prepared for some very stormy waters ahead. 

 Just had a thought, when you mean a private dance, do you mean alone in a room? When you say touching, do you mean she touched you or you her. or both?
Title: Re: Confessing to my spouse
Post by: TonkaTim on Thu Jan 23, 2014 - 11:35:10
kc9403, If you & God have worked out this issue and you realised & repented your error. Move on. Don't place this burden of grief & regret on your wife as well. Let it die & don't do it again.
Title: Re: Confessing to my spouse
Post by: TonkaTim on Thu Jan 23, 2014 - 11:36:12
Sounds as if you may need to find some more godly mates as well.

Excellent advice.
Title: Re: Confessing to my spouse
Post by: DaveW on Thu Jan 23, 2014 - 11:36:19
Just had a thought, when you mean a private dance, do you mean alone in a room? When you say touching, do you mean she touched you or you her. or both?

I think he means a "lap dance."

You have my prayers as well KC.
Title: Re: Confessing to my spouse
Post by: chosenone on Thu Jan 23, 2014 - 11:41:34
Just had a thought, when you mean a private dance, do you mean alone in a room? When you say touching, do you mean she touched you or you her. or both?

I think he means a "lap dance."

You have my prayers as well KC.
  yes but I wasn't sure if they were alone or in the room with others.
Title: Re: Confessing to my spouse
Post by: chosenone on Thu Jan 23, 2014 - 11:45:10
kc9403, If you & God have worked out this issue and you realised & repented your error. Move on. Don't place this burden of grief & regret on your wife as well. Let it die & don't do it again.


 I cant agree with this. Nothing like this should be hidden. What if it got back to his wife through one of the other guys or their wives/girlfriends(which may well happen), and he hadn't told her? I cant understand how anyone could keep something like that from their spouse without it eating away at them inside.  Honesty and openness are always the best policy in a marriage surely?
Title: Re: Confessing to my spouse
Post by: TonkaTim on Thu Jan 23, 2014 - 11:56:32
kc9403, If you & God have worked out this issue and you realised & repented your error. Move on. Don't place this burden of grief & regret on your wife as well. Let it die & don't do it again.


 I cant agree with this. Nothing like this should be hidden. What if it got back to his wife through one of the other guys or their wives/girlfriends(which may well happen), and he hadn't told her? I cant understand how anyone could keep something like that from their spouse without it eating away at them inside.  Honesty and openness are always the best policy in a marriage surely?

Because I am thinking about his wife.

Why cause her completely unnecessary pain, grief, & hurt?

Especially if he has repented & worked it out with God?

Why I said: "Don't place this burden of grief & regret on your wife " all it will do is cause more harm.
Title: Re: Confessing to my spouse
Post by: chosenone on Thu Jan 23, 2014 - 12:37:43
kc9403, If you & God have worked out this issue and you realised & repented your error. Move on. Don't place this burden of grief & regret on your wife as well. Let it die & don't do it again.


 I cant agree with this. Nothing like this should be hidden. What if it got back to his wife through one of the other guys or their wives/girlfriends(which may well happen), and he hadn't told her? I cant understand how anyone could keep something like that from their spouse without it eating away at them inside.  Honesty and openness are always the best policy in a marriage surely?

Because I am thinking about his wife.

Why cause her completely unnecessary pain, grief, & hurt?

Especially if he has repented & worked it out with God?

Why I said: "Don't place this burden of grief & regret on your wife " all it will do is cause more harm.
 

If I were his wife, I would not want something like that hidden from me, and if it were hidden and I found out some time later I would be far more hurt because he hadn't told me. I would begin to wonder what else he hadn't told me over the time of the marriage, and the trust would take even longer to build up again.
If I were him I could never hide something so serious from my spouse.
Title: Re: Confessing to my spouse
Post by: TonkaTim on Thu Jan 23, 2014 - 12:46:36
kc9403, If you & God have worked out this issue and you realised & repented your error. Move on. Don't place this burden of grief & regret on your wife as well. Let it die & don't do it again.


 I cant agree with this. Nothing like this should be hidden. What if it got back to his wife through one of the other guys or their wives/girlfriends(which may well happen), and he hadn't told her? I cant understand how anyone could keep something like that from their spouse without it eating away at them inside.  Honesty and openness are always the best policy in a marriage surely?

Because I am thinking about his wife.

Why cause her completely unnecessary pain, grief, & hurt?

Especially if he has repented & worked it out with God?

Why I said: "Don't place this burden of grief & regret on your wife " all it will do is cause more harm.
 

If I were his wife, I would not want something like that hidden from me, and if it were hidden and I found out some time later I would be far more hurt because he hadn't told me. I would begin to wonder what else he hadn't told me over the time of the marriage, and the trust would take even longer to build up again.
If I were him I could never hide something so serious from my spouse.

It is not about hiding, because so many times "confessing" is a selfish act.

It is selfish because the "confessor" wants to free themselves from their guilt & shame.

It is selfish because they then transfer that guilt & shame to another, then play the martyr because their "confession" is the "noble act" of absolution while harming the other.

Pure selfishness because they feel absolved & the other is harmed. The new harm becomes another sin. A sin derived from another selfish act.
Title: Re: Confessing to my spouse
Post by: TJW on Thu Jan 23, 2014 - 13:03:32
Quote
Honesty and openness are always the best policy in a marriage surely?
Quote
all it will do is cause more harm.

This is a tough one, for me.  While I believe in honesty and openness, there are couple things that I desperately wish my wife had never told me.   

So, I don't have any advice for you, but I will pray God's best help and guidance for you.



Title: Re: Confessing to my spouse
Post by: chosenone on Thu Jan 23, 2014 - 14:24:16
Quote
Honesty and openness are always the best policy in a marriage surely?
Quote
all it will do is cause more harm.

This is a tough one, for me.  While I believe in honesty and openness, there are couple things that I desperately wish my wife had never told me.   

So, I don't have any advice for you, but I will pray God's best help and guidance for you.






 I suppose we are all different. I am one of those people who needs to know all the details before I can assimilate it, come to terms with it and put it behind me. If I know I haven't been told everything I cant do this. Just spoke to my husband about this and he says that he could never keep something like this from me.

Maybe the op needs to tell her the basic details, and then leave it to her if she wants to know more details.
Title: Re: Confessing to my spouse
Post by: chosenone on Thu Jan 23, 2014 - 14:27:24
kc9403, If you & God have worked out this issue and you realised & repented your error. Move on. Don't place this burden of grief & regret on your wife as well. Let it die & don't do it again.


 I cant agree with this. Nothing like this should be hidden. What if it got back to his wife through one of the other guys or their wives/girlfriends(which may well happen), and he hadn't told her? I cant understand how anyone could keep something like that from their spouse without it eating away at them inside.  Honesty and openness are always the best policy in a marriage surely?

Because I am thinking about his wife.

Why cause her completely unnecessary pain, grief, & hurt?

Especially if he has repented & worked it out with God?

Why I said: "Don't place this burden of grief & regret on your wife " all it will do is cause more harm.
 

If I were his wife, I would not want something like that hidden from me, and if it were hidden and I found out some time later I would be far more hurt because he hadn't told me. I would begin to wonder what else he hadn't told me over the time of the marriage, and the trust would take even longer to build up again.
If I were him I could never hide something so serious from my spouse.

It is not about hiding, because so many times "confessing" is a selfish act.

It is selfish because the "confessor" wants to free themselves from their guilt & shame.

It is selfish because they then transfer that guilt & shame to another, then play the martyr because their "confession" is the "noble act" of absolution while harming the other.

Pure selfishness because they feel absolved & the other is harmed. The new harm becomes another sin. A sin derived from another selfish act.


 Its inevitable that she will be caused hurt. Thats what happens when we sin, we hurt people. She will be hurt if she finds out from her husband, and even more hurt if she find out from someone else. Even if he didn't tell her, the act of hiding something so serious would badly affect the marriage, and secrets have a habit of coming out when we least expect them to. Deception isn't right.

 We will have to agree to disagree, because as a wife I would far rather not be lied to or deceived about what my husband had done. I would be even more hurt if he hid it and I found out later from someone else. Could you actually keep something like that from your wife? I couldn't live with myself if I did that. 

Most women are very perceptive. I can tell immediately if my husband has something to say that he is struggling with. I can tell just by his body language. Unless the op is a  very good actor, she will probably know that something is up anyway.
Title: Re: Confessing to my spouse
Post by: TonkaTim on Thu Jan 23, 2014 - 15:03:49
kc9403, If you & God have worked out this issue and you realised & repented your error. Move on. Don't place this burden of grief & regret on your wife as well. Let it die & don't do it again.


 I cant agree with this. Nothing like this should be hidden. What if it got back to his wife through one of the other guys or their wives/girlfriends(which may well happen), and he hadn't told her? I cant understand how anyone could keep something like that from their spouse without it eating away at them inside.  Honesty and openness are always the best policy in a marriage surely?

Because I am thinking about his wife.

Why cause her completely unnecessary pain, grief, & hurt?

Especially if he has repented & worked it out with God?

Why I said: "Don't place this burden of grief & regret on your wife " all it will do is cause more harm.
 

If I were his wife, I would not want something like that hidden from me, and if it were hidden and I found out some time later I would be far more hurt because he hadn't told me. I would begin to wonder what else he hadn't told me over the time of the marriage, and the trust would take even longer to build up again.
If I were him I could never hide something so serious from my spouse.

It is not about hiding, because so many times "confessing" is a selfish act.

It is selfish because the "confessor" wants to free themselves from their guilt & shame.

It is selfish because they then transfer that guilt & shame to another, then play the martyr because their "confession" is the "noble act" of absolution while harming the other.

Pure selfishness because they feel absolved & the other is harmed. The new harm becomes another sin. A sin derived from another selfish act.


 Its inevitable that she will be caused hurt. Thats what happens when we sin, we hurt people. She will be hurt if she finds out from her husband, and even more hurt if she find out from someone else. Even if he didn't tell her, the act of hiding something so serious would badly affect the marriage, and secrets have a habit of coming out when we least expect them to. Deception isn't right.

 We will have to agree to disagree, because as a wife I would far rather not be lied to or deceived about what my husband had done. I would be even more hurt if he hid it and I found out later from someone else. Could you actually keep something like that from your wife? I couldn't live with myself if I did that. 

Most women are very perceptive. I can tell immediately if my husband has something to say that he is struggling with. I can tell just by his body language. Unless the op is a  very good actor, she will probably know that something is up anyway.

I'm not asking him to hide it.

I'm asking not to expect his wife to pay the price to atone for his sin.


If/when the revealing comes he can point to my words as the advice from an elder Christian man to younger man out of concern for her.


I would much rather him live with the sorrow that comes from shame so God can use it for permanent change.

Than watch the birth of a  cycle of sin & absolution where the woman is destroyed by carrying the burden & scars of his sins.


That said - I tried to gently give a younger brother sound Christian advice from an elder brother, and now through nit-picking, nagging it sounds harsh.



My questions are now for you;
Why do you want his wife to suffer?
Why do you want to strip away the his sorrow, the very tool God uses for change?

I ask & say this because it is not a woman's job to suffer for the sins of her husband. Christ has already done that.
Title: Re: Confessing to my spouse
Post by: chosenone on Thu Jan 23, 2014 - 15:30:53
kc9403, If you & God have worked out this issue and you realised & repented your error. Move on. Don't place this burden of grief & regret on your wife as well. Let it die & don't do it again.


 I cant agree with this. Nothing like this should be hidden. What if it got back to his wife through one of the other guys or their wives/girlfriends(which may well happen), and he hadn't told her? I cant understand how anyone could keep something like that from their spouse without it eating away at them inside.  Honesty and openness are always the best policy in a marriage surely?

Because I am thinking about his wife.

Why cause her completely unnecessary pain, grief, & hurt?

Especially if he has repented & worked it out with God?

Why I said: "Don't place this burden of grief & regret on your wife " all it will do is cause more harm.
 

If I were his wife, I would not want something like that hidden from me, and if it were hidden and I found out some time later I would be far more hurt because he hadn't told me. I would begin to wonder what else he hadn't told me over the time of the marriage, and the trust would take even longer to build up again.
If I were him I could never hide something so serious from my spouse.

It is not about hiding, because so many times "confessing" is a selfish act.

It is selfish because the "confessor" wants to free themselves from their guilt & shame.

It is selfish because they then transfer that guilt & shame to another, then play the martyr because their "confession" is the "noble act" of absolution while harming the other.

Pure selfishness because they feel absolved & the other is harmed. The new harm becomes another sin. A sin derived from another selfish act.


 Its inevitable that she will be caused hurt. Thats what happens when we sin, we hurt people. She will be hurt if she finds out from her husband, and even more hurt if she find out from someone else. Even if he didn't tell her, the act of hiding something so serious would badly affect the marriage, and secrets have a habit of coming out when we least expect them to. Deception isn't right.

 We will have to agree to disagree, because as a wife I would far rather not be lied to or deceived about what my husband had done. I would be even more hurt if he hid it and I found out later from someone else. Could you actually keep something like that from your wife? I couldn't live with myself if I did that. 

Most women are very perceptive. I can tell immediately if my husband has something to say that he is struggling with. I can tell just by his body language. Unless the op is a  very good actor, she will probably know that something is up anyway.

I'm not asking him to hide it.

I'm asking not to expect his wife to pay the price to atone for his sin.


If/when the revealing comes he can point to my words as the advice from an elder Christian man to younger man out of concern for her.


I would much rather him live with the sorrow that comes from shame so God can use it for permanent change.

Than watch the birth of a  cycle of sin & absolution where the woman is destroyed by carrying the burden & scars of his sins.


That said - I tried to gently give a younger brother sound Christian advice from an elder brother, and now through nit-picking, nagging it sounds harsh.



My questions are now for you;
Why do you want his wife to suffer?
Why do you want to strip away the his sorrow, the very tool God uses for change?

I ask & say this because it is not a woman's job to suffer for the sins of her husband. Christ has already done that.


 Well the op clearly thinks he should tell her, and a wife myself I agree with him. I would hate the thought of my husband hiding something like that from me. 
Title: Re: Confessing to my spouse
Post by: kc9403 on Thu Jan 23, 2014 - 18:44:33
Thank you both for chiming in - Tim, your advice never came off as harsh. I'm struggling so much with what to do with this issue. My pastor is coming over in a couple of hours to counsel me.

I'm so conflicted over what to do...my idea behind telling her is not just to clear my conscious, but to remove what I am afraid will be a barrier to our ability to connect spiritually as husband and wife. I have a hard time believing my conscious will be clear, because the guilt of lying to her will be replaced with guilt over hurting her...I'd be swapping one pain for another.

If I feel like I can resolve this directly with God, I will. I will have to pray hard and follow my convictions in a few days, I guess.

I appreciate everyone's comments and prayers.

Title: Re: Confessing to my spouse
Post by: TJW on Thu Jan 23, 2014 - 19:55:02
Quote
Maybe the op needs to tell her the basic details, and then leave it to her if she wants to know more details.

I think this is a good approach.  Figure out the "minimum tell", and go with that.  I think you're right, that people of differing temperament and personalities have different "need to know", and different psychological vulnerabilities.

I'm glad your pastor is coming to help.

Quote
(in order) to remove what I am afraid will be a barrier to our ability to connect spiritually as husband and wife.

How will this "barrier" occur?  What is meant by "connect spiritually" ?  Does the bible describe marriage as a "spiritual connection" ?

Please be careful here.  satan is very good at putting words in God's mouth.  Make sure you understand your reasons for doing what you decide to do, and whether they are actually what God said.
Title: Re: Confessing to my spouse
Post by: TonkaTim on Thu Jan 23, 2014 - 20:17:45
Thank you both for chiming in - Tim, your advice never came off as harsh. I'm struggling so much with what to do with this issue. My pastor is coming over in a couple of hours to counsel me.

I'm so conflicted over what to do...my idea behind telling her is not just to clear my conscious, but to remove what I am afraid will be a barrier to our ability to connect spiritually as husband and wife. I have a hard time believing my conscious will be clear, because the guilt of lying to her will be replaced with guilt over hurting her...I'd be swapping one pain for another.

If I feel like I can resolve this directly with God, I will. I will have to pray hard and follow my convictions in a few days, I guess.

I appreciate everyone's comments and prayers.




PM sent.
Title: Re: Confessing to my spouse
Post by: chosenone on Fri Jan 24, 2014 - 03:15:15
Thank you both for chiming in - Tim, your advice never came off as harsh. I'm struggling so much with what to do with this issue. My pastor is coming over in a couple of hours to counsel me.

I'm so conflicted over what to do...my idea behind telling her is not just to clear my conscious, but to remove what I am afraid will be a barrier to our ability to connect spiritually as husband and wife. I have a hard time believing my conscious will be clear, because the guilt of lying to her will be replaced with guilt over hurting her...I'd be swapping one pain for another.

If I feel like I can resolve this directly with God, I will. I will have to pray hard and follow my convictions in a few days, I guess.

I appreciate everyone's comments and prayers.




 Yes do pray and be open to what God says. What worries me is that its very possible that she will find out from the men you went with or their wives or girlfriends at some point in the future, and believe me that would make things far worse. How could she trust you again if you hide such things? That would hurt me far more than if you had had the courage to tell yourself. I have found that honestly is always the best policy in marriage as in life.
Sinful secrets have habit of coming out one way or another, often when we least expect it(and least want it).

Another thing that worries me is if you don't tell her, and get away with it, is that at some point down the line you may be more likely to slip up again and drink a little too much again and think, well my wife will never know so why not? If you have told her and you knew that it had hurt her, it may stop you ever getting into that place again in future years. I know right now that you feel it will never happen, but no one knows the future.

 TT and I disagree on this, not sure if that's because he is a guy and I am a woman, he is husband and I am a wife, but that's OK, we all think differently about things don't we. All I know is that if it were me and my husband I would hate him to hide it, and I couldn't hide something like that if it had been the other way round.   

I pray that God will tell you clearly what to do.
Title: Re: Confessing to my spouse
Post by: chosenone on Fri Jan 24, 2014 - 03:18:15
Quote
Maybe the op needs to tell her the basic details, and then leave it to her if she wants to know more details.

I think this is a good approach.  Figure out the "minimum tell", and go with that.  I think you're right, that people of differing temperament and personalities have different "need to know", and different psychological vulnerabilities.

I'm glad your pastor is coming to help.

Quote
(in order) to remove what I am afraid will be a barrier to our ability to connect spiritually as husband and wife.

How will this "barrier" occur?  What is meant by "connect spiritually" ?  Does the bible describe marriage as a "spiritual connection" ?

Please be careful here.  satan is very good at putting words in God's mouth.  Make sure you understand your reasons for doing what you decide to do, and whether they are actually what God said.



 I can see what he means though, something like this would definitely come between my husband and I if one was hiding something so serious. The guilt and secrecy would badly affect it.    My husband and I are praying for you both. He says that he would have to own up if it were him.

To be honest, unless you are an accomplished actor, you wont be able to hide something like that anyway. She will probably sense that something is wrong.   This has come up on another thread, about someone who cheated on their partner 4 years ago, and the one who cheated said nothing but it is eating them up inside.
Title: Re: Confessing to my spouse
Post by: kc9403 on Fri Jan 24, 2014 - 15:53:24
Quote
(in order) to remove what I am afraid will be a barrier to our ability to connect spiritually as husband and wife.

How will this "barrier" occur?  What is meant by "connect spiritually" ?  Does the bible describe marriage as a "spiritual connection" ?

Please be careful here.  satan is very good at putting words in God's mouth.  Make sure you understand your reasons for doing what you decide to do, and whether they are actually what God said.

I guess what I was referring to here is that as the husband, I'm the spiritual leader of our house (that's gospel) and my feeling was that by holding this sin I would not be able to properly lead our family in a spiritual sense.


TT - I can't figure out how to respond to your PM, but I greatly appreciate it. Between your advice, and talking to my pastor, I have a very clear outline of how to approach her at this point. I've felt very much at peace with what needs to happen at this point and I'm hopeful that this feeling is the Holy Spirit confirming I've figured out how to proceed. Please continue to pray for me and my wife. I will continue to keep this thread updated as I can.

Title: Re: Confessing to my spouse
Post by: chosenone on Fri Jan 24, 2014 - 15:59:46
Quote
(in order) to remove what I am afraid will be a barrier to our ability to connect spiritually as husband and wife.

How will this "barrier" occur?  What is meant by "connect spiritually" ?  Does the bible describe marriage as a "spiritual connection" ?

Please be careful here.  satan is very good at putting words in God's mouth.  Make sure you understand your reasons for doing what you decide to do, and whether they are actually what God said.

I guess what I was referring to her is that as the husband, I'm the spiritual leader of our house (that's gospel) and my feeling was that by holding this sin I would not be able to properly lead our family in a spiritual sense.
[/quote] 

That's possibly true, and aren't you at all concerned that she may accidently find out from someone else? After all you were in a group of friends, and presumably they all have wives or partners who may well know some or all of what happened?

What did your pastor advise?

Title: Re: Confessing to my spouse
Post by: kc9403 on Fri Jan 24, 2014 - 16:11:47
Chosenone,

I have no concern about this getting back to her. The guys I was with a) won't tell their girlfriends/wives, b) don't visit with us regularly (they're on the west coast, i'm on the east coast), and c) are completely trustworthy; combination of "Guy Code" and "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas."

In the interest of full disclosure my wife has been lenient with strip clubs in the past because a lot of my friends have gotten married the last few years; her approach is to avoid them, but not to miss out on time with my friends. It's become largely don't ask don't tell....I don't make it a habit to go, but what I've realized in all of this is that I've been inside far too many of those places the last few years and that I no longer have any business going in. I'm resolved to miss out on time with the guys if the next bachelor party I'm at insists on going. Just not worth what I've gone through this week. The guys involved in this specific trip wouldn't fight me if I had manned up about it and insisted we not go, but I didn't do that. I'm not worried about a situation with them again.

Pastor advised a minimum tell approach. The fact that I went isn't likely to surprise her all that much, but the basic conversation is going to be how much she means to me, how much I've taken her for granted and that I've let her down in doing that, and how special she is to me and how I want to make sure she knows how special she is to me.

In confessing the details last night to my Pastor, I see no need to get into it with my wife. I have a letter written out that I will read to her; it will help me stay on script.
Title: Re: Confessing to my spouse
Post by: chosenone on Fri Jan 24, 2014 - 16:22:11
Chosenone,

I have no concern about this getting back to her. The guys I was with a) won't tell their girlfriends/wives, b) don't visit with us regularly (they're on the west coast, i'm on the east coast), and c) are completely trustworthy; combination of "Guy Code" and "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas."

In the interest of full disclosure my wife has been lenient with strip clubs in the past because a lot of my friends have gotten married the last few years; her approach is to avoid them, but not to miss out on time with my friends. It's become largely don't ask don't tell....I don't make it a habit to go, but what I've realized in all of this is that I've been inside far too many of those places the last few years and that I no longer have any business going in. I'm resolved to miss out on time with the guys if the next bachelor party I'm at insists on going. Just not worth what I've gone through this week. The guys involved in this specific trip wouldn't fight me if I had manned up about it and insisted we not go, but I didn't do that. I'm not worried about a situation with them again.

Pastor advised a minimum tell approach. The fact that I went isn't likely to surprise her all that much, but the basic conversation is going to be how much she means to me, how much I've taken her for granted and that I've let her down in doing that, and how special she is to me and how I want to make sure she knows how special she is to me.

In confessing the details last night to my Pastor, I see no need to get into it with my wife. I have a letter written out that I will read to her; it will help me stay on script.

SO she doesn't mind that you go to strip clubs?  Wow I am amazed. Surely that is sexual immorality and lusting with the heart? In that case she may not be as hurt as someone like me would, because for me that would be a total no no for any man I married. Fortunately my husband has never been anywhere near anything like that in his life, not does ever he want to.
I am glad that you are now thinking that its not a good idea to go to these places, that shows God is working. They are very ungodly places and they aren't going to help you to stay pure and faithful and stop lusting are they.
Title: Re: Confessing to my spouse
Post by: kc9403 on Fri Jan 24, 2014 - 16:31:13
Quote

SO she doesn't mind that you go to strip clubs?  Wow I am amazed. Surely that is sexual immorality and lusting with the heart? In that case she may not be as hurt as someone like me would, because for me that would be a total no no for any man I married. Fortunately my husband has never been anywhere near anything like that in his life, not does ever he want to.
I am glad that you are now thinking that its not a good idea to go to these places, that shows God is working. They are very ungodly places and they aren't going to help you to stay pure and faithful and stop lusting are they.

She minds very much; but she realizes that a group of mid-20s guys (most of whom are not believers) on a bachelor party are almost certain to find themselves in a place like that so in spite of the fact that it's very hard on her she's tried to be very pragmatic about it (hence the DA,DT policy). Prior to this past weekend, I don't remember the last time I went to a strip club and whenever that last time occurred it was a bachelor party, which have been the only times in recent years i've stepped foot into one of those places, last weekend being an exception. It was never really a sexual/lustful thing for me until this weekend which is partly why I've been so distraught.

I'm completely over stepping foot into those dens of iniquity at this point. I'm 30 years old, most of my friends are married, the ones that aren't will have to go by themselves.

I would add that spiritually I'm much more mature now than I've been in the past - 3 years ago I wouldn't have thought twice about what happened.

I don't want to take too much away, from my request for prayer though. I share some of that with you to hopefully provide a little bit of context as to why I'm going to shape the conversation the way I did. What I realized through the prayer, counseling, and conversations I've had is that I have to consider my wife's personality and how to approach her as well.

Chosenone, you've been fantastic and I do greatly appreciate your prayers. Even beyond this situation I'm a sinner, plain and simple. I'm sure some of what I've shared is very surprising to you, but I ask that you not quit on me because of it.
Title: Re: Confessing to my spouse
Post by: chosenone on Fri Jan 24, 2014 - 23:08:57
Quote

SO she doesn't mind that you go to strip clubs?  Wow I am amazed. Surely that is sexual immorality and lusting with the heart? In that case she may not be as hurt as someone like me would, because for me that would be a total no no for any man I married. Fortunately my husband has never been anywhere near anything like that in his life, not does ever he want to.
I am glad that you are now thinking that its not a good idea to go to these places, that shows God is working. They are very ungodly places and they aren't going to help you to stay pure and faithful and stop lusting are they.

She minds very much; but she realizes that a group of mid-20s guys (most of whom are not believers) on a bachelor party are almost certain to find themselves in a place like that so in spite of the fact that it's very hard on her she's tried to be very pragmatic about it (hence the DA,DT policy). Prior to this past weekend, I don't remember the last time I went to a strip club and whenever that last time occurred it was a bachelor party, which have been the only times in recent years i've stepped foot into one of those places, last weekend being an exception. It was never really a sexual/lustful thing for me until this weekend which is partly why I've been so distraught.

I'm completely over stepping foot into those dens of iniquity at this point. I'm 30 years old, most of my friends are married, the ones that aren't will have to go by themselves.

I would add that spiritually I'm much more mature now than I've been in the past - 3 years ago I wouldn't have thought twice about what happened.

I don't want to take too much away, from my request for prayer though. I share some of that with you to hopefully provide a little bit of context as to why I'm going to shape the conversation the way I did. What I realized through the prayer, counseling, and conversations I've had is that I have to consider my wife's personality and how to approach her as well.

Chosenone, you've been fantastic and I do greatly appreciate your prayers. Even beyond this situation I'm a sinner, plain and simple. I'm sure some of what I've shared is very surprising to you, but I ask that you not quit on me because of it.
 

Of course I wont. ::smile::  Nothing much in life surprises or shocks me, I have been though and seen too much. God works in all of us by degrees. Remember though, we are supposed to be different, and if the people we know see us behaving exactly as they do when they know we are believers, what is that saying to them?

If I was invited to a hen party where they were visiting a male stripper, I would politely say, no thanks guys, not my thing. These parties are very wrong and can lead to all sorts of bad behaviour.   
Title: Re: Confessing to my spouse
Post by: kc9403 on Sat Jan 25, 2014 - 20:23:24
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Of course I wont. ::smile::  Nothing much in life surprises or shocks me, I have been though and seen too much. God works in all of us by degrees. Remember though, we are supposed to be different, and if the people we know see us behaving exactly as they do when they know we are believers, what is that saying to them?

If I was invited to a hen party where they were visiting a male stripper, I would politely say, no thanks guys, not my thing. These parties are very wrong and can lead to all sorts of bad behaviour.   

I'm in total agreement with you, and in fact you've pointed out a couple of things that this experience has finally made me realize; the immorality of strip clubs/what I did, the importance of standing out / separating ourselves from the things of the world, and lastly, the approach I am resolved to take next time this comes up (e.g., not my thing).

Spending the rest of the night in prayer and thought about the conversation I'm going to have tomorrow.
Title: Re: Confessing to my spouse
Post by: chosenone on Sun Jan 26, 2014 - 03:28:38
Quote
Of course I wont. ::smile::  Nothing much in life surprises or shocks me, I have been though and seen too much. God works in all of us by degrees. Remember though, we are supposed to be different, and if the people we know see us behaving exactly as they do when they know we are believers, what is that saying to them?

If I was invited to a hen party where they were visiting a male stripper, I would politely say, no thanks guys, not my thing. These parties are very wrong and can lead to all sorts of bad behaviour.   

I'm in total agreement with you, and in fact you've pointed out a couple of things that this experience has finally made me realize; the immorality of strip clubs/what I did, the importance of standing out / separating ourselves from the things of the world, and lastly, the approach I am resolved to take next time this comes up (e.g., not my thing).

Spending the rest of the night in prayer and thought about the conversation I'm going to have tomorrow.
 

Praying for you and your wife. 

 God will always bring some good out of bad, and its whether we learn from the things we do wrong that makes them wasted or not.

God Bless.
Title: Re: Confessing to my spouse
Post by: kc9403 on Mon Jan 27, 2014 - 08:39:10
Had a nice conversation with her last night. We prayed a bit, and she thanked me for my confession and expressed that her love for me was deeper for it. Holy Spirit was definitely at work last night - thank you chosenone, and TT for the thoughts and prayers, I truly believe it made a difference. Thanks to anyone else who prayed for us.

I believe we've reconciled. I have learned a great deal from this experience and will be working hard to commit to doing the things I told her I would last night. She truly is a treasure and I'm blessed that she's mine. I commit to make sure she never forgets that from here out.
Title: Re: Confessing to my spouse
Post by: chosenone on Mon Jan 27, 2014 - 10:29:28
Had a nice conversation with her last night. We prayed a bit, and she thanked me for my confession and expressed that her love for me was deeper for it. Holy Spirit was definitely at work last night - thank you chosenone, and TT for the thoughts and prayers, I truly believe it made a difference. Thanks to anyone else who prayed for us.

I believe we've reconciled. I have learned a great deal from this experience and will be working hard to commit to doing the things I told her I would last night. She truly is a treasure and I'm blessed that she's mine. I commit to make sure she never forgets that from here out.

 Fantastic news. I prayed that God would prepare her to hear what you said and it sounds as if He did. ::smile::
If we can learn from our mistakes then they haven't been wasted.  ::smile::
Title: Re: Confessing to my spouse
Post by: Martina/sublics on Mon Jan 27, 2014 - 15:04:25
First of all you should of had more of a thought for your wife than a 15 minuate lapdance. I would speak to God work on yourself an you issues. Your wife is going to be hurt an I think you should tell her come clean show remorse if its sincere. An then put your head back into your marriage an making it rite an putting your wife first an show her that dont just expect an apology an forgot about because belive me this wil lay on her mind an heart for a long time an I feel sorry for that that in the flesh we can just hurt another human being like that. But the good thing I think here is even though you made a mistake you have a concience to want to tell her an not keep it to yourself that says their is hope for you. The Lord says if we confess repent an are sincere he forgives our sins you have to show him an your wife goodluck
Title: Re: Confessing to my spouse
Post by: kc9403 on Wed Feb 05, 2014 - 16:32:54
With a little bit of space between starting this thread, confessing to my wife, and now, I just want to say that God has been at work in our lives. Things have been great between my wife and I - even better than before my mistake.

God is drawing us closer every day and it's having a profound impact on our personal lives, relationship with each other, and relationship with Him.

I ended up sick, likely as a result the poor diet, lack of sleep, and stress (per the doctor) I experienced leading up to my confession and I'm still dealing with that, but otherwise things are going well.

Not much more to report at this point, though I may not be back for a while. I need to continue to working to improve my relationship with God, and my wife, and right now that means leaving this thread for a while so as not to dwell on things.

Thank you everyone who commented, prayed, messaged me, etc. It means a lot, and continues to have a positive impact.
Title: Re: Confessing to my spouse
Post by: chosenone on Wed Feb 05, 2014 - 16:37:23
With a little bit of space between starting this thread, confessing to my wife, and now, I just want to say that God has been at work in our lives. Things have been great between my wife and I - even better than before my mistake.

God is drawing us closer every day and it's having a profound impact on our personal lives, relationship with each other, and relationship with Him.

I ended up sick, likely as a result the poor diet, lack of sleep, and stress (per the doctor) I experienced leading up to my confession and I'm still dealing with that, but otherwise things are going well.

Not much more to report at this point, though I may not be back for a while. I need to continue to working to improve my relationship with God, and my wife, and right now that means leaving this thread for a while so as not to dwell on things.

Thank you everyone who commented, prayed, messaged me, etc. It means a lot, and continues to have a positive impact.


Good news. ::smile::
Title: Re: Confessing to my spouse
Post by: TonkaTim on Wed Feb 05, 2014 - 16:59:30
With a little bit of space between starting this thread, confessing to my wife, and now, I just want to say that God has been at work in our lives. Things have been great between my wife and I - even better than before my mistake.

God is drawing us closer every day and it's having a profound impact on our personal lives, relationship with each other, and relationship with Him.

I ended up sick, likely as a result the poor diet, lack of sleep, and stress (per the doctor) I experienced leading up to my confession and I'm still dealing with that, but otherwise things are going well.

Not much more to report at this point, though I may not be back for a while. I need to continue to working to improve my relationship with God, and my wife, and right now that means leaving this thread for a while so as not to dwell on things.

Thank you everyone who commented, prayed, messaged me, etc. It means a lot, and continues to have a positive impact.


Good news. ::smile::

Amen
Title: Re: Confessing to my spouse
Post by: rmcbdd14 on Tue Jul 08, 2014 - 16:01:07
Hello KC9403,

I haven't heard from you in awhile and didn't see any updates.  I am going through a similar situation as you are and would like feedback on your situation.  I hope all is well between you and your wife.  If I can send you a private message that would be helpful.

Thank you!
Title: Re: Confessing to my spouse
Post by: littleoldme on Tue Jul 08, 2014 - 23:09:21
kc9403, If you & God have worked out this issue and you realised & repented your error. Move on. Don't place this burden of grief & regret on your wife as well. Let it die & don't do it again.

I agree.
Title: Re: Confessing to my spouse
Post by: chosenone on Wed Jul 09, 2014 - 03:58:16
kc9403, If you & God have worked out this issue and you realised & repented your error. Move on. Don't place this burden of grief & regret on your wife as well. Let it die & don't do it again.

I agree.
 

He confessed it to his wife, and things have got better since then.
Title: Re: Confessing to my spouse
Post by: rmcbdd14 on Wed Jan 07, 2015 - 11:56:42
KC9403,

I know you posted this awhile ago.  I tried to send you a private message, but wasn't able to because your message box is filled.  I was wondering how things were going in your marriage? Did you confess everything to your wife? My husband did a similar thing to me and won't confess.  It has been driving me crazy, because I have reason to believe things went too far at the strip club, but he won't admit to it.  Did you decide to tell your wife everything that happened? Also, what exactly happened during the lap dance? You described too much touching, however you didn't specify how far the touching went? You said it was a private dance. Does this mean alone in a room with the dancer?

I think it is always better to confess to your spouse and come clean. It will renew your marriage and you can heal.  Building a marriage on deception isn't good.  It will destroy your marriage.  My husband won't admit what happened at a strip club and it has taken an emotional toll on our marriage and my mental health.  I have developed depression, because he refuses to come clean. He wants to rug sweep what happened and continue to go on with our life. I can't do this, because knowing that he chooses to lie to me hurts me more than actually doing the deed. I believe that marriage should be built on honesty. Lying to your spouse destroys the spiritual vow in the marriage.  It allows the devil to come into a marriage and taint it.  Honesty is the way to go, even if it hurts your wife. I would want to know the truth. To me, it is a betrayal of the heart. It is a form of cheating in my eyes.  I should be allowed to know all the facts so I can make a decision on how to handle this situation.  Everyone makes mistakes. Forgiveness only comes when someone confesses and repents his sins.  Rug sweeping what happened makes things worse.   
Title: Re: Confessing to my spouse
Post by: DaveW on Wed Jan 07, 2015 - 12:07:22
I know you posted this awhile ago. ... you didn't specify how far the touching went?

TMI!

Besides, I think "describing how far things went" in a lap dance is a violation of the rules. (sexually explicit)

Title: Re: Confessing to my spouse
Post by: rmcbdd14 on Wed Jan 07, 2015 - 13:01:23
I know you posted this awhile ago. ... you didn't specify how far the touching went?

TMI!

Besides, I think "describing how far things went" in a lap dance is a violation of the rules. (sexually explicit)

I totally agree with you on this one! I think going to a strip club is cheating on your spouse. I have been struggling with the pain of finding out my own husband has been going to strip clubs behind my back. 

The reason why I asked about describing what type of touching had occurred is because other things can happen during a lap dance.

Everything is bad.  However, I believe there are "more serious" types of touching.

Title: Re: Confessing to my spouse
Post by: DaveW on Wed Jan 07, 2015 - 13:10:02
Yes - those details could/should be discussed between husband and wife (probably ONLY in the presence of the marriage counselor). 

It sounded like you were asking KC to share those details here on the forum.

BTW - the reason for the lap dance is the "happy ending;" if not during then shortly afterward. Often for both parties. So I would start from the assumption that it occured and work my way from there.
Title: Re: Confessing to my spouse
Post by: rmcbdd14 on Fri Feb 06, 2015 - 12:17:03
kc9403-

I realize your post is old and you have left Christian Marriage Forum.  I sent you a private message but your inbox is full.  I hope you see this post.  I need to ask you a question.

Thank you!
Title: Re: Confessing to my spouse
Post by: rmcbdd14 on Mon Nov 30, 2015 - 12:13:40
kc9403-

You haven't posted in awhile. I noticed that you were on last week.  I have been following your thread and had a few questions to ask you. 

Please send me a private message. Thank you.

rmcbdd14
Title: Re: Confessing to my spouse
Post by: Cgmiller89 on Mon Mar 21, 2016 - 00:46:27
Curious to see if KC ever confessed to his wife. Had a very similar situation myself and first confessed to my wife that I had a porn addiction. At that time I didn't confess the whole truth of all the certain things I thought of while masturbating caused by the porn and the constant lusting (thinking of her and her family members... bad stuff). And how the guilt of it all started up my OCD/ instrusive thoughts. Which reverted back to the very first time I read the bible and started getting intrusive thoughts.

Point is I convinced myself for two years I would be selfish to tell her the rest of what I was really wanting to confess. Like that other poster said, dumping my sins on her to relieve myself so she can take them on for me. It kept me going for two long hard years even though deep down I knew God was telling me to tell her the entire time. I started running from the idea. Never willing to hear the other side of it.

I finally broke down and couldn't go any longer once I knew the point of the matter was no longer that I needed to confess to my wife the sins I had committed in the past, I needed to confess the fact that I was deeply disturbed and constantly struggling with hiding this things from the person I wanted to be entirely close to. (this needs to be understood by anyone saying not to admit sins like this to your spouse). It was about communicating with her the fact that I'm struggling with it so bad it was consuming a major part of my mental life. If you're feeling that guilty about it, and you can't over it, that's your holy spirit pretty much telling you its the right thing to do. I always knew that was the right answer. You can't continue to hide something like that from your wife if you ever want to have a serious and close relationship. And I mean confessing it because it's destroying your relationship and your ability to be close to her fully. Nothing feels better than crucifying your old self to your wife. Your accountability God given partner. You are to hold and carry each other through your lives.

 It sucks once you tell her, but if she is a godly woman, she will forgive (this is a big test and a powerful one for her) and the relationship with thrive like you never experienced in your entire life.

It also opens up room for her to confess anything she needed to as well. Which can make you feel a bit better when you realize we all have deep secrets we keep. But in a marriage I think this is our most opportune time to bear each other's sins and help our joint walks as Jesus' Disciples.

Maybe this is all happened for you already. I can only pray. God Bless!
Title: Re: Confessing to my spouse
Post by: rmcbdd14 on Tue Apr 05, 2016 - 08:31:52
It is obvious that kc9403 lied about his entire thread. If you carefully re-read his posts they conflict with each other. First he said he is only 30 years old and that he can't remember the last time he has ever been to a strip club. Really? I think I would remember each time I went to a strip club if I was only 30 years old. It was only the past 10 years that he was allowed to go into a strip club (21 or older allowed into a strip club). How could he forget the last time he went? I think you would remember your friend's bachelor party considering it was just a "few" years ago. Then if you continue to read his posts... he then said that he has been in far too many strip clubs in the past recent years that he no longer has any business going in them because he is married. I thought he couldn't remember the last time he went to a strip club? Now he says he has been to several in the last few years.  I think he would remember this. He is lying.

In addition, kc9403 conflicts his story with his timeline of events. If you look at the calendar....all this stuff happened in just a few days... And conveniently his wife is also traveling for work. How would she know how much money he spent of the vacation if he hasn't even talked to her yet?  How likely is it for a Pastor to come to your home in a matter of hours for individual counseling when you arrive  home from traveling from work? I doubt he even called a Pastor.

I doubt kc9403 even confessed to his wife. I think he just came on this forum to relieve the guilt that he was feeling.

If I was his wife, I would want to know.  Spouses should never hide stuff from each other. Honesty is always the best policy. And for those of you who don't know what a "private dance" is... it is a "private" lap dance alone in a private room with a dancer (one-on-one) and yes touching does go on and the dancer is naked. There is physical contact that is sexual. The private rooms cost a lot of money ($200 +).  There is a minimum of 3 lap dances purchased. Most of the time it is more than 3 lap dances. So, kc9403 was ALONE with the naked stripper for at least 30 minutes. If this isn't cheating than I don't know what you call it.

I would definitely want to know if I was his wife, because I wouldn't want to be married to a man that disrespected me in this way and risked our marriage just to see another woman woman naked and feel her breasts. This is cheating plain and simple. kc9403 has minimized what he has done, he has lied to his wife, and he has rug swept his sin.  I feel sorry for his wife.

Isn't it funny that kc9403 hasn't been back to answer any of his posts in the past 2 years?

I wish people didn't come to these type of forums and lie, because it hurts other people who are reading these posts and trying to support each other.