Author Topic: Do I break my wife's heart or my dad's heart?  (Read 5787 times)

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Offline Mike350

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Do I break my wife's heart or my dad's heart?
« on: Fri Mar 30, 2018 - 17:36:14 »
I'm in a tough position where my kids and grand kids have moved across the country and are asking us to move to the area to continue to be together as a family.  Being a close family, we are both miserable without our kids, and my wife is begging for us to move out there.  I really want to move too, except my elderly father wants me to stay to keep him company.   So I'm stuck in the middle so that I break someone's heart no matter what I do. 
 

My father has a wife, so he will not be all alone if I move.  He is well cared for without me, he but wants me for company.  If I move, I will fly back to visit him quite often and probably will end up spending more time with him than I do now, since I will stay for a number of days. 

I really want to move, but I'm torn.
« Last Edit: Fri Mar 30, 2018 - 22:18:18 by Mike350 »

Offline Alan

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Re: Do I break my wife's heart or my dad's heart?
« Reply #1 on: Fri Mar 30, 2018 - 20:03:07 »
In my opinion taking care of your father should be the priority here, I'm surprised that no one else in your family, especially your wife  acknowledges that his needs are of most importance at this time.


Kind of in the same boat, my elderly mom lives close to me and I see her regularly. My only brother lives in Florida for 6 months of the year and doesn't see her all that much when he's back. Without my wife and my visits, mom wouldn't have any companionship. I would like to move into the country but taking care of my mom comes first right now, and my wife is on board with that.

Offline Mike350

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Re: Do I break my wife's heart or my dad's heart?
« Reply #2 on: Fri Mar 30, 2018 - 20:41:55 »
I wish my wife was on board with me staying.  This situation is putting quite a strain on our marriage as she feels that I am putting my dad ahead of the needs of the rest of my family. 

Offline chosenone

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Re: Do I break my wife's heart or my dad's heart?
« Reply #3 on: Fri Mar 30, 2018 - 20:46:43 »
Why cant he come too? Get a place with an annexe or get him somewhere near you so that all the family can live near each other. 

How old is your father? Is he physically able to get out and about and mix with others? Does he have no friends or other children?

Offline Mike350

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Re: Do I break my wife's heart or my dad's heart?
« Reply #4 on: Fri Mar 30, 2018 - 20:53:08 »
Why cant he come too? Get a place with an annexe or get him somewhere near you so that all the family can live near each other. 

How old is your father? Is he physically able to get out and about and mix with others? Does he have no friends or other children?

No other children, but he has a wife.  She refuses to move.  He's 89 and gets out a little, but not much.  Has friends but doesn't feel like hanging out anymore.  His needs are taken care of, but he mostly sits at home.  If I leave, he will still have her for company, so he will not be all alone.  He just doesn't want me to move. 

The pressure of all this is beginning to affect my health and marriage.  My wife has implied that she will move out there without me.  My blood pressure has gone through the roof since all this has happened.

My prayer is "Heavenly Father, please provide an answer that will make everyone happy."
« Last Edit: Fri Mar 30, 2018 - 21:04:53 by Mike350 »

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Re: Do I break my wife's heart or my dad's heart?
« Reply #4 on: Fri Mar 30, 2018 - 20:53:08 »

Offline chosenone

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Re: Do I break my wife's heart or my dad's heart?
« Reply #5 on: Fri Mar 30, 2018 - 21:03:22 »
No other children, but he has a wife.  She refuses to move.  He's 89 and gets out a little, but not much.  Has friends but doesn't feel like hanging out anymore.  His needs are taken care of, but he mostly sits at home.

Oh ok so he isn't alone, he is married. Does his wife have family/children who they see?
I feel sad when a parent thinks that their children should be there for them all the time. He has the option of seeing his friends, going to meetings/clubs etc and he has a wife. Is she younger or older than him? Do they have a church family?

To be honest now that I know he is married and his wife is still alive,  then I would move. Its hard for a mum to be that far away from her children, and grandchildren especially. They grow so fast. If his wife dies first then you have the option of moving him to be near you. 

 

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Re: Do I break my wife's heart or my dad's heart?
« Reply #6 on: Fri Mar 30, 2018 - 21:05:56 »
I wish my wife was on board with me staying.  This situation is putting quite a strain on our marriage as she feels that I am putting my dad ahead of the needs of the rest of my family.


What are her reasons for placing the children above your father? The bible tells us to honor our fathers and mothers, it never tells us to reverse that alignment and honor our children first.

Offline Mike350

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Re: Do I break my wife's heart or my dad's heart?
« Reply #7 on: Fri Mar 30, 2018 - 21:08:16 »
She is in her low 80's.  If she dies, I will happily move him out there.   

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Re: Do I break my wife's heart or my dad's heart?
« Reply #8 on: Fri Mar 30, 2018 - 21:11:36 »

What are her reasons for placing the children above your father? The bible tells us to honor our fathers and mothers, it never tells us to reverse that alignment and honor our children first.

I really want to move out there to watch my grand children grow up and she does too.  I don't think she would ever really leave me, but she is heartbroken every time we get a video and see how much the kids have grown up without us.

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Re: Do I break my wife's heart or my dad's heart?
« Reply #8 on: Fri Mar 30, 2018 - 21:11:36 »

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Re: Do I break my wife's heart or my dad's heart?
« Reply #9 on: Fri Mar 30, 2018 - 21:14:54 »
Why did the kids move away?

Offline chosenone

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Re: Do I break my wife's heart or my dad's heart?
« Reply #10 on: Fri Mar 30, 2018 - 21:32:42 »
I really want to move out there to watch my grand children grow up and she does too.  I don't think she would ever really leave me, but she is heartbroken every time we get a video and see how much the kids have grown up without us.

To be honest, he isn't alone and he has a wife and friends and is looked after, I cant see that you are doing wrong by putting your wife first in this. You have offered to move them with you, and if his wife dies first you will do that.
Do they have a church? Does she have children/grandchildren?


Offline chosenone

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Re: Do I break my wife's heart or my dad's heart?
« Reply #11 on: Fri Mar 30, 2018 - 21:34:03 »
I really want to move out there to watch my grand children grow up and she does too.  I don't think she would ever really leave me, but she is heartbroken every time we get a video and see how much the kids have grown up without us.

I can fully understand that. How often do you see them? How far away are you?

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Re: Do I break my wife's heart or my dad's heart?
« Reply #12 on: Fri Mar 30, 2018 - 21:48:33 »
No other children, but he has a wife.  She refuses to move.  He's 89 and gets out a little, but not much.  Has friends but doesn't feel like hanging out anymore.  His needs are taken care of, but he mostly sits at home.  If I leave, he will still have her for company, so he will not be all alone.  He just doesn't want me to move. 

The pressure of all this is beginning to affect my health and marriage.  My wife has implied that she will move out there without me.  My blood pressure has gone through the roof since all this has happened.

My prayer is "Heavenly Father, please provide an answer that will make everyone happy."

Your dad is 89 so any solution is likely to be temporary.
If your wife wants to move and you stay, or if your wife exercises some patience and stays, or if your wife stays and travels regularly to the kids.
I would say you settle for the simplest solution first and see how it goes.

Offline soterion

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Re: Do I break my wife's heart or my dad's heart?
« Reply #13 on: Fri Mar 30, 2018 - 21:52:15 »
There is the honoring your father and mother bit, but there is the one about leaving father and mother and cleaving to your wife. I don't believe cleaving to your wife means the neglect of parents, but in your case, you said there will not be any practical neglect.

You said if you leave, your father will be taken care of and will not be alone, and you can still fly out to see him and spend quality time with him. It sounds to me like your moving to be with the rest of the family will not take away from any physical responsibility you have toward him, or toward his wife for that matter. There is just the matter of helping him to cope with your decision to leave, if that ends up being your decision.

In my opinion, moving with your wife is the correct choice for the long term. Your father will be hurt, but don't you think he will understand your position if you should decide the same? Also, your visits, as you are able, will help appease his heart.

Offline Mike350

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Re: Do I break my wife's heart or my dad's heart?
« Reply #14 on: Fri Mar 30, 2018 - 22:02:20 »
Why did the kids move away?
My son-in-law got a killer job offer at almost double what he was making before.  Moved from San Diego to Charlotte, double the salary and half the cost of living.  They are living well when they were barely making ends meet in their previous location.

Offline Mike350

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Re: Do I break my wife's heart or my dad's heart?
« Reply #15 on: Fri Mar 30, 2018 - 22:07:41 »
I can fully understand that. How often do you see them? How far away are you?

I'm in SoCal and they moved from San Diego to Charlotte, NC.  My wife goes out every month or so, working full time, I am only able to see them once a year.  We are a very close family and I'm a dedicated father, so it's killing me.  But I'm happy for my kids because they are so much better off there, when they were struggling here. 

Another factor is that I could retire if we move out there.  Here in SoCal, it's so expensive that I doubt I'd ever be able to afford to retire. 

Offline mommydi

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Re: Do I break my wife's heart or my dad's heart?
« Reply #16 on: Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 00:31:31 »


The pressure of all this is beginning to affect my health and marriage.  My wife has implied that she will move out there without me.  My blood pressure has gone through the roof since all this has happened.


So she goes to see them every month, but that's not enough, and she'll risk her marriage over it?  ::pondering::



Quote
My prayer is "Heavenly Father, please provide an answer that will make everyone happy."

What if your Heavenly Father thinks it's ok for someone to not end up happy with the decision. What if someone else needs to lean more on Him and not you or your kids?


A few years ago, I talked to my doctor about a gut wrenching dilemma where the only two options were extremely painful to others and myself. He told me that both options would cause me deep guilt, but to choose the option that would cause me the least amount of guilt, then try to work on resolving the guilt.



Offline chosenone

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Re: Do I break my wife's heart or my dad's heart?
« Reply #17 on: Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 03:24:26 »
I'm in SoCal and they moved from San Diego to Charlotte, NC.  My wife goes out every month or so, working full time, I am only able to see them once a year.  We are a very close family and I'm a dedicated father, so it's killing me.  But I'm happy for my kids because they are so much better off there, when they were struggling here. 

Another factor is that I could retire if we move out there.  Here in SoCal, it's so expensive that I doubt I'd ever be able to afford to retire.

To be honest, being that you could retire as well and that you only see the children and grandchildren once a year(although I am not sure why you can't go with your wife more often?), going is the best for your family. Honouring you parents doesn't mean that you must see them all the time, especially when they have each other and friends and hopefully a church as well. He isn't being neglected at all.
You haven't said whether he has step children or grandchildren near, but if he does then presumably they come and visit?
« Last Edit: Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 04:05:55 by chosenone »

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Re: Do I break my wife's heart or my dad's heart?
« Reply #18 on: Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 07:58:26 »

You haven't said whether he has step children or grandchildren near, but if he does then presumably they come and visit?

His wife has a daughter who lives about 10 minutes away and she loves my dad.  She doesn't like her mom(dad's wife) so she doesn't come to visit much, but she is a good person and comes through if they need her help.  I'm an only child, so there's nobody to help or visit dad on my side of the family except me.  Dad and his wife are fairly involved in their church and go to monthly home fellowship meetings, where they have a circle of friends, they also attend regular church on Sunday's.

If we move out to Charlotte and I retire as planned, I will fly back and visit him many times a year.  I might end up spending more time with him this way since I will be staying for a week at a time.
« Last Edit: Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 08:14:32 by Mike350 »

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Re: Do I break my wife's heart or my dad's heart?
« Reply #19 on: Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 08:35:10 »
My 2 cents

Your dad is 89.

While true that we do not know how long any of us have in life, his age is against him.

I see things this way, as an outsider looking in.

You have a desire to be with your children and grandchildren. And your wife does so much so that she visits them quite often. You would also like to move to be closer to them

WHY? I will answer that for you. Because of the love and closeness you want to have with your offspring.

This is perfectly normal, and is right.

HOWEVER, do you not realize that you dad feels this way to you. Your dad looks upon you  the same as you look upon your son.

He is 89 years old and a step-child, no matter what, is not the same as your child.

You would be moving away , during your dads worst of declining years, and leaving him to feel somewhat abandoned.. no matter the attention of his step daughter or not

 I think you need to stay and work things out with the wife. Let her continue to travel monthly, if she choses, or suggest she do it every other and both of you can go.

His age is against him. And even with friends and a wife and a step-daughter... you are his bloodline.  There is no replacement. Would you not feel terrible
if you move, and his health declines because of a broken heart.  It well can happen.






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Re: Do I break my wife's heart or my dad's heart?
« Reply #20 on: Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 09:05:31 »
This is not easy, but we all have opinions do we not, and you asked for them.

Consider: You are saying that it's "killing you" not being around your grandchildren, then THAT WITHIN itself should tell you how your father feels! He's late in life, and you owe him the honor of making his late few days to have some peace knowing that you are near him and will be there for him AS HE WAS FOR YOU growing up. Grandchildren do NOT come before parents~God has never commanded you to honor them, only to lay up an inheritance for them per Solomon in Proverbs. He has provided us with a commandment to honor our parents, and there are no commandments that override this and free us.
Quote from: Jesus
Matthew 15:3-6~"But he answered and said unto them, Why do ye also transgress the commandment of God by your tradition?  For God commanded, saying, Honour thy father and mother: and, He that curseth father or mother, let him die the death. But ye say, Whosoever shall say to his father or his mother, It is a gift, by whatsoever thou mightest be profited by me; And honour not his father or his mother, he shall be free. Thus have ye made the commandment of God of none effect by your tradition."
Death may soon free you but not until then. My wife has her STEP-father that she make sure he is taken care of daily~no blood relation, even though he has been part of her life since she was seven and now she's almost 68 and he's 84. That's pleasing in God's sight to do otherwise is selfish and self-serving.

Btw, Charlotte is beautiful, I'm two hours south of Charlotte and was raised less than that northeast of Charlotte. 

Offline Mike350

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Re: Do I break my wife's heart or my dad's heart?
« Reply #21 on: Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 09:29:28 »


 I think you need to stay and work things out with the wife. Let her continue to travel monthly, if she choses, or suggest she do it every other and both of you can go.

His age is against him. And even with friends and a wife and a step-daughter... you are his bloodline.  There is no replacement. Would you not feel terrible
if you move, and his health declines because of a broken heart.  It well can happen.

What if I fly back many times a year to visit and spend a week at a time with him?  See details in my next post below.
« Last Edit: Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 09:50:26 by Mike350 »

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Re: Do I break my wife's heart or my dad's heart?
« Reply #22 on: Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 09:39:25 »
you are near him and will be there for him AS HE WAS FOR YOU growing up. Grandchildren do NOT come before parents~God has never commanded you to honor them, only to lay up an inheritance for them per Solomon in Proverbs.

He was not much of a father to me.  That fact doen't remove my responsibility to him and I want to do the right thing. 

What about this idea: My wife flys out to Charlotte every month or so and spends more time with our daughter now than she did when she was in San Diego.  Don't you think it would be OK if I did the same thing in reverse?  Fly back here many times a year and spend a week with him?  If I move to Charlotte, I can afford to retire comfortably and will have the time and money to do just that.

He currently lives about an hour and a half from me and I see him every 4 to 6 weeks.  If I live in Charlotte and fly back often, I think he would get more of my time.
« Last Edit: Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 10:06:31 by Mike350 »

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Re: Do I break my wife's heart or my dad's heart?
« Reply #23 on: Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 10:06:16 »
Sounds like you're looking for support for a decision you've already made in your mind.

Offline Mike350

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Re: Do I break my wife's heart or my dad's heart?
« Reply #24 on: Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 10:07:19 »
Sounds like you're looking for support for a decision you've already made in your mind.

Yeah, maybe, but I'm trying to stay open and do the right thing.  I think he will not like it but will eventually see that he gets more time with me this way.  I currently can only make the drive to him every so often because I must work 3 jobs just to stay in California.  If I move to Charlotte I can retire comfortably and will have the time and money to come visit often and stay much longer.   
« Last Edit: Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 10:15:59 by Mike350 »

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Re: Do I break my wife's heart or my dad's heart?
« Reply #25 on: Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 10:55:49 »
He currently lives about an hour and a half from me and I see him every 4 to 6 weeks.  If I live in Charlotte and fly back often, I think he would get more of my time.

He has a wife, she has a daughter that loves him, they are active in their church, and you see him every 4-6 weeks.

His life sounds full, and that he has many who support him, and you are committed to doing so as well, and if you move, it will not cut into the time you are already spending with him...

and you can bless your wife, strengthen your marriage, bless your children and grandchildren by being closer and able to invest in them more if you move.

Nothing changes for him if you move, everything changes for the family you've made if you do.

Call him once a week, skype with him midweek, keep your visit schedule to once every six weeks. 

You are not abandoning him.  You are being a good son, who honors his father, but who is also obeying the command of the Lord to leave and cleave to your wife.

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Re: Do I break my wife's heart or my dad's heart?
« Reply #26 on: Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 12:05:51 »
Sounds like you're looking for support for a decision you've already made in your mind.
Yep.

Something else we all need to remember-

How we treat our elderly parents sets the example for how our children will likely treat us when we're elderly. A what goes around, comes around thing.


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Re: Do I break my wife's heart or my dad's heart?
« Reply #27 on: Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 12:07:59 »
What if I fly back many times a year to visit and spend a week at a time with him?  See details in my next post below.

Sorry, for me this does not cut it.

Your dad coes first.... That is right and that is God's way.

Admittedly you say he may not like it at first.

You say he was not much of a father.

Well, my friend, neither was mine.  But I was there for him, as I am not my mother.  But this is not about e.

Put the shoe on the other foot. What if you move to South Carolina and then in a few years you are not well but your kid moves across the country again
and has to make up their mind do they stay with their spouse or move back to be closer to you. How would you feel?

You know the right thing to do is stay near your dad.

If you need to work 3 jobs just to stay in S CA move across to NV and commute. Or downgrade your housing, or move dad and step mom in with you and ask for a little assistance from them.

Wanting to retire is understandable but this is not the reason to do it at this time

As to your wife.... Perhaps it would be best for both of you to talk to your pastor and get some advice rather then on here where we all are known for totally opposite opinions

Offline mommydi

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Re: Do I break my wife's heart or my dad's heart?
« Reply #28 on: Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 12:17:02 »
My son-in-law got a killer job offer at almost double what he was making before.  Moved from San Diego to Charlotte, double the salary and half the cost of living.  They are living well when they were barely making ends meet in their previous location.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but why hasn't your daughter been flying out to visit you from time to time since she so desperately wants you in their lives? Even if the kids are busy in school, there's always Spring Break, summertime, holidays, etc. It's still a little unclear why, if everyone has the means for travel, that you only see your daughter and grandkids once a year.  ::shrug:: 




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Re: Do I break my wife's heart or my dad's heart?
« Reply #29 on: Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 12:24:07 »
I don't mean to sound harsh, but why hasn't your daughter been flying out to visit you from time to time since she so desperately wants you in their lives? Even if the kids are busy in school, there's always Spring Break, summertime, holidays, etc. It's still a little unclear why, if everyone has the means for travel, that you only see your daughter and grandkids once a year.  ::shrug::

They are poor?  I didn't travel much for a period when I wasn't making as much dough and I lived away from my parents.

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Re: Do I break my wife's heart or my dad's heart?
« Reply #30 on: Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 12:31:41 »
They are poor?  I didn't travel much for a period when I wasn't making as much dough and I lived away from my parents.



Quote
My son-in-law got a killer job offer at almost double what he was making before.  Moved from San Diego to Charlotte, double the salary and half the cost of living.  They are living well when they were barely making ends meet in their previous location.

Getting a "killer job" with double the salary with half the cost of living and "living well" doesn't sound like poor, but who knows?


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Re: Do I break my wife's heart or my dad's heart?
« Reply #31 on: Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 12:39:19 »


Getting a "killer job" with double the salary with half the cost of living and "living well" doesn't sound like poor, but who knows?

How much vacation time does he have?  What about his parents?

Money isn't the only variable.

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Re: Do I break my wife's heart or my dad's heart?
« Reply #32 on: Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 13:39:50 »
.....who is also obeying the command of the Lord to leave and cleave to your wife.


No, that is not cleaving, it is kowtowing regardless of how he feels about the move. He did his "cleaving" decades ago.

Offline chosenone

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Re: Do I break my wife's heart or my dad's heart?
« Reply #33 on: Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 13:53:50 »

No, that is not cleaving, it is kowtowing regardless of how he feels about the move. He did his "cleaving" decades ago.

He is wanting to move as well.

Offline chosenone

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Re: Do I break my wife's heart or my dad's heart?
« Reply #34 on: Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 14:02:07 »
Sorry, for me this does not cut it.

Your dad coes first.... That is right and that is God's way.

Admittedly you say he may not like it at first.

You say he was not much of a father.

Well, my friend, neither was mine.  But I was there for him, as I am not my mother.  But this is not about e.

Put the shoe on the other foot. What if you move to South Carolina and then in a few years you are not well but your kid moves across the country again
and has to make up their mind do they stay with their spouse or move back to be closer to you. How would you feel?

You know the right thing to do is stay near your dad.

If you need to work 3 jobs just to stay in S CA move across to NV and commute. Or downgrade your housing, or move dad and step mom in with you and ask for a little assistance from them.

Wanting to retire is understandable but this is not the reason to do it at this time

As to your wife.... Perhaps it would be best for both of you to talk to your pastor and get some advice rather then on here where we all are known for totally opposite opinions

Sorry but his father does not come first. His wife and children do. His father has a wife and friends and is being looked after.

They have asked them if they want to move with them and they have said no. if his wife dies first they will move his dad to be with them.

MY husband move the other wide of the world for his wife, and left his wider family in OZ.

I would never ever expect my children to be my life and make them feel so guilty for wanting to move away. We must have our own lives and friends and not expect them to ever move away from us.
« Last Edit: Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 14:04:44 by chosenone »