Do I not turn him on anymore???? What to do?

[3blessings]

Ok, first hello and sorry to just join this board and already be posting something somewhat risque, but I really need some help here and I don't feel comfortable talking with my friends about it and I think my husband already feels bad about it.
So here is a little back story and then the thing that happened a few night ago. We recently had twins, while I was pregnant we stopped having sex probably around 6 months preggo b/c it could cause me to go into pre-term labor, anyway, then afterwards we waited a while as usual, then tried one night and had a problem (won't go into details, but let's just say it didn't happen). Then finally on our anniversary we tried to make a go of it (the babies are about 4 months old now)....anyway we used a condom b/c we don't want another baby right now, sorry I am putting this in b/c it's important, you'll see why in a minute..anyway we both hate them, but don't want to get pregnant again...so we did our thing and long story short he didn't quite get there....this has NEVER happened before, he then went to "finish" the job himself, I asked if he wanted help and he said that's OK....so long story short, I felt like a failure I guess...I used to be a model/actress and even did some swimsuit modeling, now I am about 50 lbs. heavier than that with stretch marks etc... and feel pretty bad about my appearance and yes I know I just had twins, but it is still hard....anyway he came back into the bathroom and I had been bawling, I kept drying my face, but when I stopped he noticed I'd been crying, anyway he told me it had nothing to do with me, that is was the stupid condom (which in his defense he usually wears a different one that doesn't cut off the feeling as much ie. bigger...sorry if this is too racy, I am not trying to be, but I want to explain so hopefully someone can give me some Godly advice...anyway I was just sobbing and he kept telling me it wasn't me...but we have had sex before with condoms that were too small and he still got there, so of course I felt like it was me...and then he didn't want me to come in and finish, I was hurt and even asked well who were you thinking about (I know probably a stupid ?, but I felt like you had to leave the room and do your thing?? He said no one....and gave me another answer...guys is that possible?? Since then (a couple days) I can't help but feel a little angry with him, I am just hurt, and I feel like why can't he be that guy who thinks his pregnant and now nursing wife is beautiful, he tells me I'm beautiful, but then I feel like actions (or lack there of) speak louder than words. ALso now I am a little scared to try again, b/c if it doesn't happen again, I am really going to feel awful!!!!

[Pokhara]

The best advice I can give is to try to let go of it.  It's quite common for a couple's sex life to take a nosedive after the birth of a child.  It doesn't mean that your marriage is a failure, so try not to worry about it.

[MarkHooper]

 Life changes are often very difficult to get through. With that in mind as long as everything else in your marriage is ok I would seek alternatives to your contraceptive. Ask your doctor! But I also detect not a problem with him but with your preconceived ideas of sexual attraction. You need to see the difference between normal and common in sexual function. This is the difference between the standard and the frequency of an event. Too often our expectations of each other as spouses are not physically capable of happening. Do I not turn him on anymore is the wrong question.

 Who were you thinking about as a question is just a dumb question. Unless you want to explain who you were thinking about. The point is don't add insult to injury. What he did is normal.

 Last your statement about being a swimsuit model bothers me. It seems to me that this is a window into your relationship with him. What is nagging at me is that the issue you are explaining is just a symptom of another issue. Trust on your part is seemly something I feel is a issue! But it is hard to tell with your post. If I'm wrong you can ignore that part. But marriage types fall into 4 to 6 categories each with there own strengths and weakness. Where your type fits in seems to have these challenges.
                                                                                                                           

[3blessings]

Life changes are often very difficult to get through. With that in mind as long as everything else in your marriage is ok I would seek alternatives to your contraceptive. Ask your doctor! But I also detect not a problem with him but with your preconceived ideas of sexual attraction. You need to see the difference between normal and common in sexual function. This is the difference between the standard and the frequency of an event. Too often our expectations of each other as spouses are not physically capable of happening. Do I not turn him on anymore is the wrong question.

 Who were you thinking about as a question is just a dumb question. Unless you want to explain who you were thinking about. The point is don't add insult to injury. What he did is normal.

 Last your statement about being a swimsuit model bothers me. It seems to me that this is a window into your relationship with him. What is nagging at me is that the issue you are explaining is just a symptom of another issue. Trust on your part is seemly something I feel is a issue! But it is hard to tell with your post. If I'm wrong you can ignore that part. But marriage types fall into 4 to 6 categories each with there own strengths and weakness. Where your type fits in seems to have these challenges.
                                                                                                                           

As far as other alternatives, birth control is not an option in our mind...too many increased risks of cancer...as far as me being a swimsuit model, I don't see how or why that would bother anyone, I was trying to explain that my physical appearance has changed quite a bit and considering this is a BIG reason why I think things may have gone wrong the other night...it was relevant to put in here. And how or why is what he did "normal" and should it be??

[MarkHooper]

As far as other alternatives, birth control is not an option in our mind...too many increased risks of cancer...as far as me being a swimsuit model, I don't see how or why that would bother anyone, I was trying to explain that my physical appearance has changed quite a bit and considering this is a BIG reason why I think things may have gone wrong the other night...it was relevant to put in here. And how or why is what he did "normal" and should it be??

 Hmmm this just doesn't sound right to me. "too many increased risks of cancer". It is not normal for a man to agree with such an idea!

 

[janine]

Either you guys are coming back in and editing things out of what has been said here, or else you are all talking past each other and over each others' heads and nobody is making any sense.

So let me boil down what I understand so far and you guys come back and re-explain whatever I missed, OK?


Mrs. 3blessings has recently been through the Hormone Hurricane we call pregnancy, and had twins even -- has gained a little weight -- was proud of a physical appearance in the past that even allowed for some modeling, but now feels about like a fat ugly cow.

Have I overstated this?  Let me know.

After some "time off" from sexual intercourse, for all sorts of good reasons, Mr. and Mrs. 3blessings finally get back at it after a few months -- and, on the night of the big premier, it doesn't exactly come off as successfully and picture-perfectly as a slickly choreographed sex scene in a Hollywood porn movie.

Have I got it right so far?

Mr. 3blessings then proceeds to masturbate rather than a) continue to the Big Finish with Mrs. 3blessings, or b) wait and pick up with the next attempt another night.

Have I understood that right?

This was upsetting to Mrs. 3blessings for various reasons and she cried about it.  Mr. 3blessings left her thinking he had to go off to another room and fantasize about some skinny bimbo to be able to reach a climax at all.  He denies that.

Have I got it?

Some discussion follows of the pros and cons of condoms versus, for example, birth control pills.

Yes?

So, 3blessings, are you basic questions like this:

1) Am I normal for mourning the loss of a figure I was very proud of and actually used for artistic expression and to earn money, before I gained some weight and a few stretchmarks?

2) Am I off the mark, thinking that my husband is so badly influenced by the physical changes in me that he cannot even function with me sexually as he did before?

3) If he is not excited by me as he was before, does that make him shallow?  Normal?  Abnormal?  Is it my fault in any way?  Partially?  Not at all?

4) Am I being unrealistic and maybe even shallow myself about this?  Or, again, is all this stuff normal territory for a woman at my stage of life to pass through?

Please come back into the discussion with clarification where I am off the mark, OK?

[MarkHooper]

So let me boil down what I understand so far and you guys come back and re-explain whatever I missed, OK?

 I think you got it but I'll wait for 3 blessing to concure. 

[zoonance]

Maybe he was embarrassed? 

[admin]

It will probably take both of you some time to get used to the post-birth sex life. No need to panic yet--much too soon. As someone else said, sex is not always a perfect, explosive, romantic event. Sometimes it's great. Sometimes it's okay. Sometimes it's bad. Sometimes it doesn't happen. It's not magic so remember that you're each human beings. Be patient with each other.

[Arkstfan]

3blessings... it is you, maybe
But it is also your husband, maybe.

There is a strong undertone to your posts that indicate that you don't feel desirable due to your physical changes but felt that way before because of it. It is quite possible that you have shifted your thinking from being confident Ms. Goodbody who could have her man when she wanted to feeling dumpy and just wanting the physical contact just to have it. Plus post-kids we have a tendency to reduce sex to a hurry while the kids are asleep mechanical thing.

Your husband on the other hand might be shallow and no longer desire you due to the changes, but if that's the case your pregnancy just revealed it before the sands of time did it, consider yourself lucky to get that revealed sooner. BUT it may be that he is still mentally trying to cope with umm some of his favorite body parts being revealed for their primary functions rather than the uh shall we say corollary entertainment functions. If so that is an issue that will pass normally though counseling could be needed. It could also be that if you don't feel worthy of desire that you are you passing that to him. Spending several hours bemoaning your body changes won't exactly put someone in the mood for intimacy 20 minutes later.

Think yourself desirable, communicate that to your husband. I don't know how you did it before. It could have been with the way you dressed, the way you walked or talked.  If that doesn't restart him, I suspect he will need counseling because he has become disconnected from the you from before.