Egg Shells

[Ajay70]

I am in a relationship where I an continually walking on egg shells as I struggle to live with a man who is Jekyll and Hyde. I don't know where I stand with him,  he is unreasonable, petty and childish and since we had our daughter the situation is far worse. I know I should stand up for myself more, I am shy, retriing and placid and probably let things wobble on for far too long.

There are many issues within this such as various traits of my dh's behaviour, and I have a gynie problem which has caused issues with regard to sex.

Things go in waves and can be okay for weeks then it will flair up, sometimes I can judge when he will flip sometimes I can't.

I am working very part time at the moment but he still with holds money for food, telling me he will not carry me even though we both know he can afford to. So the food money is coming out money I was saving up to redo the kitchen with. Then at the same time he says if I am low on money ask for it, sometimes I do ask for a little and he tells me, don't ask for it I don't want to know. This is an example of the Jekyll and Hyde situation.

He is sweetness and light to his family and mine and friends and when out in public such as church. He does not come often to church with us, but if he does he parades dd about on his arm. It is okay to be proud of her but I feel he displays her a bit and a couple of people approached me at church and said they thought he was showing off with her too so I know that was not just me over reacting.

In public he is a different man to at home although he can be sweet and caring when he wants to be. Because of this I am reluctant to go to talk to someone at church about it. Do you think I should?

I know he would not agree to counselling he doesnt think there is anything wrong with him, we could have had joint couselling about the gynie problem, but he told me no. We could be intimate in other ways if he washed more than once a fortnight, I have tried the have a bath together routine and it does not work, he still says no, he plainly refuses to bath or shower unless he is seeing his mum or going out with friends and things.

Right now I am waiting investigative surgery for my gynie problem. I may have to spend the night in hospital. Dh has never changed a nappy or had dd on her own for more than about a hour, she is 2 years old. He is on an early shift and I asked him if he would swap a shift so that he could take care of her overnight and my mum could be over our house by 8am the next day, he simply refused to even try.

My mother is not a young granny and is not well herself and it is too much for her to have dd all day then all night as well as the next day too. My sister would have helped if she was not about to have her 3rd child and dh's mum does not drive and lives too far away. I have asked some good friends to take her for the night but even they think dd should stay at home in her own bed etc, it is going to be upsetting enough for her that I am not around.

Should I encourage him to try and change his shift for dd? Other people change their shifts with him for less reasons than this and yet he wont budge, the simple reason I think is that he does not want the responsibility of her on his own.

Sorry I really needed to vent, and I have only touched on the surface of the issues which surround this, He is in, I better post this and go, I don't want him to see me typing this.

[chosenone]

He does sound like a difficult man indeed. Do you know why you have stayed with him for these years?Do you know why you ever moved in with him? I could never be with a man like that.

As a Christian, you actually need to be married to a man before you live together, and this wrong relationship cannot be blessed as it is sinful. However I would strongly recommend that you dont marry this man, as nothing will change if you marry. I think he seriosuly needs help in the way of counselling. I am not sure if he has a mental health problem or of he is just controlling, selfish and very immature. Either way, I honestly cant see why you would ever want to be with him or stay with him. Is this REALLY the man who you want to marry and spend the rest of your life with?Do you want to have to walk on eggshells and deal with this for the rest of your life?

I would seriously think about a seperation, both to bring him to his senses and becuase the relationship itself is wrong. IF he agrees to get help for himself and for both of you, and is willing to REALLY work at this, then maybe there is a chance that it may work, but sadly it doesnt sound as if he is a christian and therefore you arent supposed to marry him anyway.
Sorry if I havent been much use but I really cant believe that you are even with this selfish and controlling man, and if you arent married you dont have to stay with him.I know you have a daughter but it isnt going to do her much good being with a man like this either, especially as he clearly doesn't even want to look after her for a short time. 

[Ajay70]

Sorry I should have said, we are married, we have been married for almost 12 years. We didn't live together before we got married.

If I wasn't a Christian, I dont think I would be in this dilema. I feel it is wrong to walk away from this relationship, I take the promises I made seriously. I have thought about leaving but as a Christian I know I should not and to be honest I didn't really acknowledge we had problems within the marriage until just after our daughter came along. Another thing which makes me not want to disrupt anything is that we have adopted her, which makes it so more complicated. The post was long enough, maybe I should have added these details in the first post.

Before we married he always washed before he saw me etc, I have since found out that was just to impress me, his mother couldn't get him to wash either and she had three other children who are the opposite to him in the hygiene department.

He told me he was a Christian but I do doubt that he is, he doesn't seem to mind me going to church and reading my bible etc but doesn't want to join in himself, if anything if my house group ask him to join in a social it pushes him away further.

It boils down to, he will only do what he wants to do, when he wants to do it, for reasons which usually benefit himself.

Another example and these things are so petty, which annoys me. The other day dd was in the sand pit in the back yard, he came in from work and I had a friend popping round who cuts my hair, I asked him if he would watch her in the garden for ten mintues or so while she was there. He bluntly told me no, he wanted to watch sport on tv I would have to bring her inside. he had not seen her that morning as he had gone to work early.

Regarding the money we have separate accounts, I have suggested for years that we have a joint account but he refuses, the money I make from part time selling of cards barely is enough to buy nappies (diapers), not enough to buy anything with in the food department, yet he still wants his food treats that he had when I worked properly. I feel like a single mum at lot of the time.

He is defensive about anything I might bring up, he has never hit me, but I do feel threatened, he is out right now, and I feel happier when he is out the house, which is probably wrong of me to feel.

He gets angry if I do the housework when he is at home, so I squeeze it in around everything else when he is working, which is not easy when he has days off and holidays.

He flirts at lot and gets jealous if I so much as talk to a man who smiles at me and yes sometimes I look at real estate and wonder if dd and I can live alone without him, but I feel confused as a Christian I am not supposed to do that. I scoured the bible with references on emotioal or verbal abuse and I could not see anything, I thought the bible might guide me but I was more confused.

He charms the people at church and I don't know if I can trust anyone there enough to pour all this out to them. I did get as far as asking one lady if I could talk to her, but I have not followed it up because I guess I am scared.

We visit his mum and he is there playing on the floor with dd as though he does it every day and it hurts me so much. How can I say something to them about how he really is?

I thought it was normal to be treated like this for so long, if he gets in a mood he ignores me, the longest this has gone on for is 14 days. When dd came to live with us things just got worse and I realised then things were not normal, although in my subconcious I had known it for far longer, I made excuses thinking it was because we were waiting so long for the adoption.

I do pray, but sometimes I need to talk face to face with someone and I just don't know, what to do. There is no way he would go to counselling he refused after we had IVF etc and as I said in my previous post he refused some ealier with regard to the sexual issues my gynie problem had brought up. He comes on heavy with me, wants intercourse and I tell him time and time again not only does it hurt so that I cry during it pains me for a week afterwards. However he has not asked for that for a couple of months now.

Sorry, see now I have probably vented more than I was going to, but just typing it out helps me get it off my chest.

[Wycliffes_Shillelagh]

It sounds like he never had a proper role model to show him what a husband should be and do.  Or that perhaps he's rebelling against something in his past.

I'm no expert, but I think you should be honest.  Tell him you're scared of him and unhappy, and ask nicely if he will go with you to counseling.

[janine]

Of course he probably won't go with you to counseling.

You need counseling for sure, whether or not he goes.

If you are expected to meet expenses all by yourself, which most people would consider joint household expenses or things you are both responsible for -- such as the diapers --

And if there is not so much as a ten minute window where he will see to his own child's safety while you finish up with your haircutting friend, who is there to do you a service -- so that he was abusing your time and her time both --

Frankly, love, you ARE a single parent.  And you are not in a husband / wife relationship if he is not being a husband to you.  Yes, you are married, and no Christian would tell you to divorce him -- not without a lot of consideration and some very good Scriptural reasons.  But he is not being a husband to you.  He's like a grumpy roommate with sexual privileges.

And as for the gynecological / sexual issues, that one part of life alone should drive you immediately to a counselor, by yourself if he won't come.

You have a few options.  You might sort of consider yourself as a single parent, living your own separate life within the shared household.  Or you could leave.  Or you could keep banging your head against the wall.

But you can be pretty confident nothing at all about the man will change, unless you make it a point to tell him how you feel, and, somehow, he decides to adjust.

There is no law that says you have to stay in the same household with someone who makes every day a trial.  Jesus' perfect law of love would have you love your husband and try very hard to relate to him in a Christlike way.  You are the only one who can decide, in your own life, exactly what that looks like "on the ground".

[zeph317]

Hello,

I was just browsing a bit and came across your posting.  It must be so hard and I'm so sorry you are in such a situation.

I just replied to a recent post (mid-August) that starts out "Help!" about being married to a mentally ill man...   I was going to suggest you might take a look at my reply because althuogh that was a different situation, some aspects of my reply might be relevant to you.

Also, I believe Biblically you do have the responsibility to confront your husband's behaviour (see Matt 18:15-17).  You might want to consider following those steps.

May God bless you and be with you.

[Ajay70]

thank you all for your thoughts and replies. :)

Last week I went to see a counselor for the first time, it has taken me this long to get the courage to do so. I am still not sure what I want to do. Things are not any better, but it goes in cycles of being okay to being hell. At the moment it is like he is walking on a tightrope and sometimes his abusive nature will surface and the next moment he is okay, it makes me wonder if I imagine it you know?

The counsellor gave me some tips for survival if you like but said it might make him worse.

I have also had an operation for the gynie problem,and then was on medication, but not any more. The pain is coming back which is a pity.

He forced me into having a seaonal flu jab and I really wanted to stand up against him on it, but when he went behind my back and made the appointment without my consent, I lost my nerve somehow. Stupid huh? I mean I even spoke to my doctor and asked her about the flu jab and ahe agreed I didn't need one and I told him that before he went and booked the thing.

I think I am scared to tell him how I feel. I am scared of his reaction. And when I was younger and I heard stories of women who were abused and stayed with her husband I wondered why. Now I understand how they were feeling then; because now it is me.

[JohnDB]

There are varying degrees of narcissm which can act just like this.

He believes nothing is wrong...so him seeking help is probably not going to work.

Does he ever speak well of others? (More likely anytime he does mention a positive it is coupled with a negative)

At times when he is sad or angry does he actually smile? (can be other emotions where what he is describing does not match facial expressions)

It always is about him and his needs? (tired, sleepy, angry, hungry and etc)
He has a difficult time identifying needs of others with out prompting of any kind?
Gifts to him are always wrong and not just right...and he mentions it.

Of course few (if any) friends in his community. Doesn't share meals/hang out with other couples or invite others over to share one/hang out.

These are all signs of narcism. It doesn't have to be the kind where it is antisocial behavior.  Where he is a danger to others. But with the constant belittling remarks and some of the other things you describe...

I ain't a shrink nor do I play one on TV. A friend of mine was describing this situation to me about someone else. (My friend is a psychologist)

He also said something about that these behaviors was actually from a poor self image or self worth level. Dunno exactly...something along those lines.

[yesult]

It sounds to me like you're being used to make this mans life more comfortable. However when someone emotionally abuses another it tends to cause backlash which makes them more unhappy which can increase their bitterness and nastiness (from some of my observations anyway.) When people are taking more then they're giving and continue to do so abuse can just continue to spiral.

From what you've told us, I second these statements by Janine:

He is not being a husband to you.  He's like a grumpy roommate with sexual privileges.

You have a few options.  You might sort of consider yourself as a single parent, living your own separate life within the shared household.  Or you could leave.  Or you could keep banging your head against the wall.

The bible tells us that any serious sexual sin (greek word is 'porniea') is justification for divorce and remarriage before God, so if he's cheated on you, slept with someone else before marriage (fornication) and perhaps deliberatly hid from you or lied about the level of intimacy, or has a deliberate porn habit you're free to leave him and remarry. Basically any serious sexual sin.

But outside of that the bible nowhere says you have to live with an abuser (as already stated), and moving out can serve as a good wake up call to your husband if he would be willing to change, or cause him to take the inititative and seek out someone else to abuse which gets you off the hook. Once he's broken the marriage covenant then you're free to go.

A person who has someone handy to put up with all of their abuse isn't necessarily as likely to go looking elsewhere. Forcing them to go one way or the other might be the only way to either save your marriage or get out of your situation.

Hope that helps.

It isn't Gods will for an innocent partner to be used as an emotional or physical punching bag and sets a terrible example for any child involved and subconciously teachs them wrong relationship dynamics. According to statistics, over 70% of women in physically abusive relationships grew up in them to start with. I haven't seen any statistics on emotional abuse but I imagine they would be similar.

Psalm 30
"Under three things the earth trembles, under four it cannot bear up: a slave when he becomes a king, a fool (also translated as 'lawless') who is satisfied with food, an unloved woman who is married, and a maidservant who displaces her mistress.



PS. If you do end up moving out and he doesn't change his behaviour but simply moves on to someone else, I would also recommend counselling for you regarding the timidity and the reasons you ended up in such a relationship to start with. Sometimes that can be very helpful because if we have doorways or dynamics in our life that we are unaware of and remain unhealed, we can end up repeating the same mistakes in the future. Christian counselling can be very helpful in digging up things like that.
God bless

[vmand]

Ajay70 I sympathize with you and the situation. I have been in a similar one and I know how it feels first hand. I know you are in need for some practical advise and I regret I cant offer any. However, reading the post,  the verses I quote  came into my mind. They have given me a lot of strength in the last months. All about LOVE, FORGIVENESS, PATIENCE, SURRENDER and TRUST IN GOD alone. The very things we need and sometimes demand from others.
Hope and pray these to help you too.


 Mat 5:38 “You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ 39 But I say to you, do not resist the evildoer. But whoever strikes you on the right cheek, turn the other to him as well. 40 And if someone wants to sue you and to take your tunic, give him your coat also. 41 And if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two. 42 Give to the one who asks you, and do not reject the one who wants to borrow from you.
 43 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor’ and ‘hate your enemy.’ 44 But I say to you, love your enemy and pray for those who persecute you, 45 so that you may be like your Father in heaven, since he causes the sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46 For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Even the tax collectors do the same, don’t they? 47 And if you only greet your brothers, what more do you do? Even the Gentiles do the same, don’t they? 48 So then, be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.



2 Cor 9:6 For even if I wish to boast, I will not be a fool, for I would be telling the truth, but I refrain from this so that no one may regard me beyond what he sees in me or what he hears from me, 7 even because of the extraordinary character of the revelations. Therefore, so that I would not become arrogant, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to trouble me – so that I would not become arrogant. 8 I asked the Lord three times about this, that it would depart from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is enough for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.

[Riss]

Ajay70-

I know how hard living in a situation such as yours is. I dealt with much similar behaviors in my husband for the first 1 1/2 years of my marriage. Throughout that time, my spirit knew that there were actions that I needed to take that I simply was not taking, because I let my fears get in the way of me making bold, but loving moves. Your counselor may not tell you to separate - many may not unless there is physical abuse going on. But I would prayerfully consider the wise counsel Janine, Zeph317 and Yesult gave to you; your situation is one where you are absolutely responsible for protecting yourself in stronger ways than you have been.

That is potentially your greatest hope of saving your marriage as well, if you're truly wanting it God's way. He needs to do a work in your husband, but He is first calling out to you to allow Him to change you as well, sweet lady. Allow Him to use you to show your husband that God is stronger than your husband. Much love, strength and wisdom to you.

[courtgirl72]

I am sorry you are going through this.  You don't deserve this and I think that maybe a separation is in order.  I too value marriage, but being married doesn't mean that one spouse has the right to use the other as a punching bag, whether it be verbal, physical, emotional whatever.

Also another point to consider.  You have a daughter, is this what you want her to think is normal and end up marrying when she grows up?  She will see this as normal and could end up with an abuser and think nothing of it.

I know this because I have a close friend who grew up in just such a household and guess what she is married to an abuser.  It is a horrible cycle.  I know that you said that he wasn't physically abusive, but there are many different types of abuse.

Also, I also believe, and I could be wrong, that part of being faithful to vows is loving and cherishing your spouse until death do us part.  Sexual unfaithfulness isn't the only betrayal of vows.  Though I know that isn't in the bible, but I honestly believe there are more ways to be unfaithful to your spouse than adultery.