My life is becoming incredibly unmanageable for me. There’s not really people in my ‘real world’ that I can talk to about my issue. My mom has always had the stance that other people’s problems ‘aren’t her problem’. I don’t know my siblings very well since I didn’t grow up with any of them, and my best and pretty much only friend is dealing with two deaths in his family in the last week. I have a telephone counseling appointment set up with the intern I usually see, but that’s not until next week.
The pandemic, of course, has made life pretty tough to cope with on its own. Then there’s my spouse. He and I both have Asperger Syndrome. For those who don’t know, it used to be considered high-function autism. I also am diagnosed with MS, although the last time I filed for disability, they denied me right up through the court stage, trying to say it wasn’t severe enough. I can’t work a regular job away from home due to my health issues though.
So now I am sitting here trying to figure out how to cope in a world that is so crazy right now, with a spouse that does not care for me. He goes from 0 to 60 in terms of calm to super-anger. He screams profanity at me several times a week. He’s fine one minute, the next something sets him off and he’s freaking out on me.
I do need to make clear he’s not being physical with me anymore. He started to, years ago, and we ended up separated and living apart for over a year. Since I’ve moved back in with him a few years ago, he’s just treated me like I’m his verbal battering ram. He’s in pain a lot of the time, which fuels some of this, I’m sure.
I tried to change how I reacted to him, because I used to start yelling and screaming back a lot. I’ve gotten much better about not doing that, although I do pretty much always say his treatment of me is unacceptable/not okay. I have to stand up for myself somehow.
He apparently hates God, and rants and rails about how He’s never helped him when he prayed and so forth. I’ve tried getting into that conversation with him, but it just makes him angrier. That’s a frustrating thing in our marriage.
I am at my wits’ end. I don’t know what to do. Half of me feels like getting on a Greyhound bus, cutting off communication with everyone I know and just disappearing, because … I don’t see a better solution. But then, that wouldn’t lead to any kind of life for me, either. And then that leads me back to the whole unable to take care of myself stuff, and that divorce is wrong.
So then what *do* I do? And has anyone else ever dealt with anything similar?