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Christian Interests => Christian Marriage Forum => Topic started by: Tjenee on Sat Aug 06, 2016 - 07:29:25

Title: Finding out about husbands past sexual encounters
Post by: Tjenee on Sat Aug 06, 2016 - 07:29:25
Been married 1 year and still trying to get to know my husband. Known each other many years but not intimately.  Have many issues and differences but recently came across his email that was left open and skimmed thru old stuf from a few years ago when we were not together  and I didn't know him. Anyhow I discovered that he slept with prostitutes he met online . If I had known he was this type of man i would never had married him but now I have to deal with knowing. I keep praying to let it go as I have no intention to let him no that I am aware of his past sexual encounters. How do I let go of these disgusting feelings I have now of him?
Title: Re: Finding out about husbands past sexual encounters
Post by: RB on Sat Aug 06, 2016 - 07:43:07
Quote
How do I let go of these disgusting feelings I have now of him?
"forgiveness"...the same that you desire that God would do for your past life. If he has been a good, loving and faithful husband, then let his past go. If you do not let it go, then your prayers for your sins will not be accepted by God. Remember the disciples prayer that Jesus taught them: "Forgive us of our debts, as we forgive our debtors"....Especially our own spouses, and children; which should come naturally, without being told to do so.  How often should we forgive? 70 x 7~or, simple put.....AS MUCH AS ONE ASK YOU TO FORGIVE THEM, and AS MUCH AS YOU DESIRE TO BE FORGIVING BY OTHERS.   
Title: Re: Finding out about husbands past sexual encounters
Post by: chosenone on Sat Aug 06, 2016 - 08:29:05
How much did hell tell you of his past? Did he at least tell you that he had slept with other women?

I think that you must talk about this, he was VERY wrong not to tell you, and he married you under false pretences. To keep anything like this in the dark is a mistake. It may fester and maybe come out in anger later on during an argument. He also needs to repent and get some prayer for this as when you join with another in that way is does affect you spiritually. 
Title: Re: Finding out about husbands past sexual encounters
Post by: Texas Conservative on Sat Aug 06, 2016 - 08:31:09
How much did hell tell you of his past? Did he tell you that he had slept with other women?

I think that you must talk about this, he was VERY wrong not to tell you, and he married you under false pretences. To keep anything like this in the dark is a mistake.

If she didn't ask his sexual history, I think the blame is on her and she must get over it.
Title: Re: Finding out about husbands past sexual encounters
Post by: chosenone on Sat Aug 06, 2016 - 08:35:11
How much did hell tell you of his past? Did he tell you that he had slept with other women?

I think that you must talk about this, he was VERY wrong not to tell you, and he married you under false pretences. To keep anything like this in the dark is a mistake.

If she didn't ask his sexual history, I think the blame is on her and she must get over it.

Hopefully they will have talked about such things, its a massive secret to keep from your own wife.
Please dont blame her for what he did.
Title: Re: Finding out about husbands past sexual encounters
Post by: Rella on Sat Aug 06, 2016 - 09:42:09
How much did hell tell you of his past? Did he at least tell you that he had slept with other women?

I think that you must talk about this, he was VERY wrong not to tell you, and he married you under false pretences. To keep anything like this in the dark is a mistake. It may fester and maybe come out in anger later on during an argument. He also needs to repent and get some prayer for this as when you join with another in that way is does affect you spiritually.

The optimum statement in OPs post is" from a few years ago when we were not together"

OP has not indicated the husband is still seeing prostitutes.

Op has not told us their ages.

I am by no means giving a pass to his previous actions but depending on his age, and circumstances, he may have felt that paying for it
was preferable to one night stands picked up in a bar, while he was waiting for his bride.

OP has not told us if she thought he was a virgin when they wed.

But no matter what... they should talk of it.....

While it was wrong for her to go through his old emails... unless she suspected him of something... if he had deleted them, she never would have known.
Title: Re: Finding out about husbands past sexual encounters
Post by: Tjenee on Sat Aug 06, 2016 - 10:13:31
I know he has had many relationships  before me and we both have children from previous marriages. We are in our 40s and I know he speaks of being a man in need oif guidance and spiritual change. His intentions are god but he's got demons as most people, I just worry that these type of encounters present much deeper issues than surface need for sex. To be highest I feel like gagging jiust thinking about it and although I can forgive the incidences in my heart, I feel disgusted as his partner.
Title: Re: Finding out about husbands past sexual encounters
Post by: MeMyself on Sat Aug 06, 2016 - 10:45:29
Is there anything in his character today that leaves you feeling like its possible this is still an issue for him?

I know that I would hate for my husband to judge me by my past, as I am not that person any more, but I can also understand your fears.

I would seek counseling.  Either couples or for yourself alone.
Title: Re: Finding out about husbands past sexual encounters
Post by: RB on Sat Aug 06, 2016 - 11:03:15
I feel disgusted as his partner.
Truly you are the sinning wife, as none of us are without a past that we ALL are not ashamed of, if we truly look at our past as we do others sins! People want more mercy shown to them, then they are willing to show to others! That is disgusting in God sight. Consider how righteous God is, yet he knows all of us perfectly, and he STILL desires to be merciful to us. Why do you not reflect on your own past life, and THEN see, if you can be more merciful? There is not a person living, who would want all of us to know every detail about their private past life, NOT ONE. More than that, I would NOT would want to know about my own children private past life, especially their private THOUGHTS~the reason being is this: I know what is IN MAN, and it's NOT good.  You truly should be ashamed of yourself, and if you are not, then you are blinded by self-love, and self-worth~which we are struggle with by nature.   
Title: Re: Finding out about husbands past sexual encounters
Post by: Texas Conservative on Sat Aug 06, 2016 - 13:03:26
How much did hell tell you of his past? Did he tell you that he had slept with other women?

I think that you must talk about this, he was VERY wrong not to tell you, and he married you under false pretences. To keep anything like this in the dark is a mistake.

If she didn't ask his sexual history, I think the blame is on her and she must get over it.

Hopefully they will have talked about such things, its a massive secret to keep from your own wife.
Please dont blame her for what he did.

I am not blaming her for his actions.  She married him.  His actions prior to their marriage or courting are not grounds for divorce, etc.

If she hangs on to this new knowledge, she will suffer for it.
Title: Re: Finding out about husbands past sexual encounters
Post by: chosenone on Sat Aug 06, 2016 - 15:48:17
I know he has had many relationships  before me and we both have children from previous marriages. We are in our 40s and I know he speaks of being a man in need oif guidance and spiritual change. His intentions are god but he's got demons as most people, I just worry that these type of encounters present much deeper issues than surface need for sex. To be highest I feel like gagging jiust thinking about it and although I can forgive the incidences in my heart, I feel disgusted as his partner.

Was he a Christian before you met when he slept around? Was he married when he did this? Do you both go to church?
Title: Re: Finding out about husbands past sexual encounters
Post by: chosenone on Sat Aug 06, 2016 - 15:49:38
How much did hell tell you of his past? Did he tell you that he had slept with other women?

I think that you must talk about this, he was VERY wrong not to tell you, and he married you under false pretences. To keep anything like this in the dark is a mistake.

If she didn't ask his sexual history, I think the blame is on her and she must get over it.

Hopefully they will have talked about such things, its a massive secret to keep from your own wife.
Please dont blame her for what he did.

I am not blaming her for his actions.  She married him.  His actions prior to their marriage or courting are not grounds for divorce, etc.

If she hangs on to this new knowledge, she will suffer for it.
 

if one spouse has lied about something very big as in this case, its a big deception. He married her under false pretenses.
Title: Re: Finding out about husbands past sexual encounters
Post by: chosenone on Sat Aug 06, 2016 - 15:52:44
How much did hell tell you of his past? Did he at least tell you that he had slept with other women?

I think that you must talk about this, he was VERY wrong not to tell you, and he married you under false pretences. To keep anything like this in the dark is a mistake. It may fester and maybe come out in anger later on during an argument. He also needs to repent and get some prayer for this as when you join with another in that way is does affect you spiritually.

The optimum statement in OPs post is" from a few years ago when we were not together"

OP has not indicated the husband is still seeing prostitutes.

Op has not told us their ages.

I am by no means giving a pass to his previous actions but depending on his age, and circumstances, he may have felt that paying for it
was preferable to one night stands picked up in a bar, while he was waiting for his bride.

OP has not told us if she thought he was a virgin when they wed.

But no matter what... they should talk of it.....

While it was wrong for her to go through his old emails... unless she suspected him of something... if he had deleted them, she never would have known.
 

yes they desperately need to talk, and they need to be completely honest with each other. There should be no secrets between a married couple, especially about something as important as this.
Title: Re: Finding out about husbands past sexual encounters
Post by: Texas Conservative on Sat Aug 06, 2016 - 15:55:46
How much did hell tell you of his past? Did he tell you that he had slept with other women?

I think that you must talk about this, he was VERY wrong not to tell you, and he married you under false pretences. To keep anything like this in the dark is a mistake.

If she didn't ask his sexual history, I think the blame is on her and she must get over it.

Hopefully they will have talked about such things, its a massive secret to keep from your own wife.
Please dont blame her for what he did.

I am not blaming her for his actions.  She married him.  His actions prior to their marriage or courting are not grounds for divorce, etc.

If she hangs on to this new knowledge, she will suffer for it.
 

if one spouse has lied about something very big as in this case, its a big deception. He married her under false pretenses.

He didn't lie.  She didn't ask, he didn't tell.  They are both in their 40's.  Before you marry someone, you should make sure you know enough about the other person to make an intelligent decision.  Ultimately, she is responsible for not asking him about his past.

When you met your husband, did you write him a list without him asking of all of your faults, and past sins? 
Title: Re: Finding out about husbands past sexual encounters
Post by: TJW343 on Sat Sep 10, 2016 - 20:26:25
I think the only way out of this is to tell your husband what you found, for the simple reason that whatever you do not say verbally, you will most certainly express nonverbally.  To say it another way, it will soon become evident that you despise him, because of what he did in his past.    And the more you try to suppress this - the more those feelings are going to grow.  (It's sort of like trying to bury a worm - it just will crawl around & pop up somewhere else, probably bigger than before).

He may have a story that shows that he truly turned & repented from that lifestyle.  I don't know - but you need to T-A-L-K  I-T  O-U-T!!   Imagine if the Lord treated YOU the way you are treating your husband - holding a massive grudge, but never telling why, and so on.

Bottom line here is that you will have to learn how to forgive  him, but I very much doubt you can do this in secret, because there is little doubt you are wondering what ELSE he may have done that you have no knowledge of...
Title: Re: Finding out about husbands past sexual encounters
Post by: Daemon Blackfyre on Sun Sep 11, 2016 - 03:23:02
How much did hell tell you of his past? Did he tell you that he had slept with other women?

I think that you must talk about this, he was VERY wrong not to tell you, and he married you under false pretences. To keep anything like this in the dark is a mistake.

If she didn't ask his sexual history, I think the blame is on her and she must get over it.

Hopefully they will have talked about such things, its a massive secret to keep from your own wife.
Please dont blame her for what he did.

I am not blaming her for his actions.  She married him.  His actions prior to their marriage or courting are not grounds for divorce, etc.

If she hangs on to this new knowledge, she will suffer for it.
 

if one spouse has lied about something very big as in this case, its a big deception. He married her under false pretenses.

He didn't lie.  She didn't ask, he didn't tell.  They are both in their 40's.  Before you marry someone, you should make sure you know enough about the other person to make an intelligent decision.  Ultimately, she is responsible for not asking him about his past.

When you met your husband, did you write him a list without him asking of all of your faults, and past sins?
Surely there is a degree of information you should disclose though, right? If somebody expresses an interest in children, maybe inform them that you're infertile? Or how about if you're HIV positive? I could think of information that you shouldn't have to be asked. Here's one that's been relevant to me in the past and currently - I'm allergic to latex, really uncomfortable  rash where in contacted, wheezing, nause ait's not pretty. Now say I met somebody who didn't know about polyisoprene condoms....
Title: Re: Finding out about husbands past sexual encounters
Post by: chosenone on Sun Sep 11, 2016 - 16:35:51
How much did hell tell you of his past? Did he tell you that he had slept with other women?

I think that you must talk about this, he was VERY wrong not to tell you, and he married you under false pretences. To keep anything like this in the dark is a mistake.

If she didn't ask his sexual history, I think the blame is on her and she must get over it.

Hopefully they will have talked about such things, its a massive secret to keep from your own wife.
Please dont blame her for what he did.

I am not blaming her for his actions.  She married him.  His actions prior to their marriage or courting are not grounds for divorce, etc.

If she hangs on to this new knowledge, she will suffer for it.
 

if one spouse has lied about something very big as in this case, its a big deception. He married her under false pretenses.

He didn't lie.  She didn't ask, he didn't tell.  They are both in their 40's.  Before you marry someone, you should make sure you know enough about the other person to make an intelligent decision.  Ultimately, she is responsible for not asking him about his past.

When you met your husband, did you write him a list without him asking of all of your faults, and past sins?
 


Not being asked is no excuse, there should be complete openness about something so very important. You don't ask on the first date, but you need to know before you begin to plan a wedding. I had no problem with being open. 
Title: Re: Finding out about husbands past sexual encounters
Post by: DaveW on Thu Sep 15, 2016 - 11:32:55
How much did hell tell you of his past? Did he tell you that he had slept with other women?

I think that you must talk about this, he was VERY wrong not to tell you, and he married you under false pretenses. To keep anything like this in the dark is a mistake.
If she didn't ask his sexual history, I think the blame is on her and she must get over it.
I will not say it is anyone's blame.  Neither you or I know the relational dynamics of their engagement.  It is possible they were in a congregation like the one DW and I were in when we got engaged that threatened to excommunicate us (or forcibly break off the engagement)  if we had ANY kind of a discussion about sex or any past sins before we got married. So I think the whole "false pretenses" thing should be withdrawn and dropped.

But now she knows and has to deal with it.  I would suggest a good long chat with the pastor or a christian marital counselor.
Title: Re: Finding out about husbands past sexual encounters
Post by: Texas Conservative on Thu Sep 15, 2016 - 11:34:54
How much did hell tell you of his past? Did he tell you that he had slept with other women?

I think that you must talk about this, he was VERY wrong not to tell you, and he married you under false pretenses. To keep anything like this in the dark is a mistake.
If she didn't ask his sexual history, I think the blame is on her and she must get over it.
I will not say it is anyone's blame.  Neither you or I know the relational dynamics of their engagement.  It is possible they were in a congregation like the one DW and I were in when we got engaged that threatened to excommunicate us (or forcibly break off the engagement)  if we had ANY kind of a discussion about sex or any past sins before we got married. So I think the whole "false pretenses" thing should be withdrawn and dropped.

But now she knows and has to deal with it.  I would suggest a good long chat with the pastor or a christian marital counselor.

Try to forcibly break off your engagement?

Wow