Author Topic: falsely accused of cheating  (Read 629 times)

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Offline Sarahbeth

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falsely accused of cheating
« on: Wed Nov 28, 2018 - 01:26:22 »
help

My husband (of 4.5yrs) has recently told me he wants to end our marriage because he believes I have had multiple affairs and that our children are not biologically his (2yrs and 6mths). His reasoning makes no sense and it seems to me he’s highly paranoid at least and perhaps delusional at worst. I’ve managed to ‘delay’ his walking out by agreeing to give the kids paternity tests. It’s breaking my heart. Yes I’m worried about him but I’m also devastated he thinks me capable of such a thing. From my point of view this has come out of the blue. I thought we were happy. I’m praying that God will reveal truth. I’m so scared it’s over and worried for my kids.
« Last Edit: Wed Nov 28, 2018 - 01:28:38 by Sarahbeth »

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falsely accused of cheating
« on: Wed Nov 28, 2018 - 01:26:22 »

Offline chosenone

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Re: falsely accused of cheating
« Reply #1 on: Wed Nov 28, 2018 - 03:49:17 »
Hi sarahbeth

Firstly, have you asked him what led him to that conclusion? What 'evidence' does he think he has?
Has this recently started or has he always been like this?

Offline Sarahbeth

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Re: falsely accused of cheating
« Reply #2 on: Wed Nov 28, 2018 - 07:37:10 »
Hi sarahbeth

Firstly, have you asked him what led him to that conclusion? What 'evidence' does he think he has?
Has this recently started or has he always been like this?

Yeah I’ve asked - it’s a winding trail of innuendo, drawing odd connections and “just knowing” what people meant when they said something which is not at all related to our marriage. Nothing tangible that can be rationally challenged. For example someone in another state supposedly knew I was pregnant with our second child and therefore in his mind it means the ‘real father’ told them.

He has never said anything to me previously, though from what he has said it seems he’s been suspicious on and off for years.

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Re: falsely accused of cheating
« Reply #2 on: Wed Nov 28, 2018 - 07:37:10 »

Offline chosenone

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Re: falsely accused of cheating
« Reply #3 on: Wed Nov 28, 2018 - 11:05:31 »
Yeah I’ve asked - it’s a winding trail of innuendo, drawing odd connections and “just knowing” what people meant when they said something which is not at all related to our marriage. Nothing tangible that can be rationally challenged. For example someone in another state supposedly knew I was pregnant with our second child and therefore in his mind it means the ‘real father’ told them.

He has never said anything to me previously, though from what he has said it seems he’s been suspicious on and off for years.


Hmmm seems very odd. Either he is an ultra jealous paranoid man, and has always been like that as well, OR I have heard it said that if someone is cheating they can project their guilt onto their spouse and accuse them of cheating to deflect attention from what they are doing. Have you any suspicions or gut feelings about that? Has he changed recently? Been staying longer at work? Changed his diet or exercise regime? Starting showering more or putting on more after shave? Talking about a particular lady at work or church? Started going to the gym?

It seems odd that if he is this jealous and paranoid,  he has been able to hide it completely all these years.

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Re: falsely accused of cheating
« Reply #3 on: Wed Nov 28, 2018 - 11:05:31 »

Offline RB

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Re: falsely accused of cheating
« Reply #4 on: Wed Nov 28, 2018 - 14:40:10 »
Yeah I’ve asked - it’s a winding trail of innuendo, drawing odd connections and “just knowing” what people meant when they said something which is not at all related to our marriage. Nothing tangible that can be rationally challenged. For example someone in another state supposedly knew I was pregnant with our second child and therefore in his mind it means the ‘real father’ told them.

He has never said anything to me previously, though from what he has said it seems he’s been suspicious on and off for years.
It is called by God "evil surmising"....
Quote from: Paul
1st Timothy 6:4~"He is proud, knowing nothing, but doting about questions and strifes of words, whereof cometh envy, strife, railings, evil surmisings,"
He needs to repent and ask for your forgiveness. I have no reason not to believe your words after reading them several times. I have daughters from 50 down to 43 and would be upset if they were falsely accused, SIMPLY base on surmisings, without any concrete evidence. This is not loving your wife AS YOUR SELF! No man would want to be falsely accused and we should not think evil without solid proof. Surmising is EVIL. May Lord stand up for you and defend you, and HE WILL.   

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Re: falsely accused of cheating
« Reply #4 on: Wed Nov 28, 2018 - 14:40:10 »



Offline Sarahbeth

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Re: falsely accused of cheating
« Reply #5 on: Thu Nov 29, 2018 - 08:57:07 »
It is called by God "evil surmising"....He needs to repent and ask for your forgiveness. I have no reason not to believe your words after reading them several times. I have daughters from 50 down to 43 and would be upset if they were falsely accused, SIMPLY base on surmisings, without any concrete evidence. This is not loving your wife AS YOUR SELF! No man would want to be falsely accused and we should not think evil without solid proof. Surmising is EVIL. May Lord stand up for you and defend you, and HE WILL.   

You are right but I suspect there is a long road to get to that place. I’m not sure how to keep him around and talking at this stage

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Re: falsely accused of cheating
« Reply #5 on: Thu Nov 29, 2018 - 08:57:07 »

Offline RB

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Re: falsely accused of cheating
« Reply #6 on: Thu Nov 29, 2018 - 14:32:25 »
You are right but I suspect there is a long road to get to that place. I’m not sure how to keep him around and talking at this stage
God can turn any hearts very easily! I said:
Quote
May Lord stand up for you and defend you, and HE WILL. 
If he departs, then let him go~for God has called us to PEACE, you will destroy YOUR peace trying to make someone stay AGAINST their will. You are NOT under bondage to make him stay in a marriage that he does not want to stay in. He's creating things to justify his evil heart, which man/women are very good at doing. Read 1st Corinthians chapter seven and if you help understanding anything, then ask someone will help you. May God who is gracious above all be so to you and your two small children.

Offline Sarahbeth

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Re: falsely accused of cheating
« Reply #7 on: Tue Dec 04, 2018 - 07:47:07 »

Hmmm seems very odd. Either he is an ultra jealous paranoid man, and has always been like that as well, OR I have heard it said that if someone is cheating they can project their guilt onto their spouse and accuse them of cheating to deflect attention from what they are doing. Have you any suspicions or gut feelings about that? Has he changed recently? Been staying longer at work? Changed his diet or exercise regime? Starting showering more or putting on more after shave? Talking about a particular lady at work or church? Started going to the gym?

It seems odd that if he is this jealous and paranoid,  he has been able to hide it completely all these years.

Thanks for your thoughts,

It does seem odd!  There have been times over the years when he has alluded to mistrust but has never been overt about his concerns and given my “innocence” I have not been surprised when the topic was not discussed further as in my mind it did not need to be. I see no evidence of his cheating...except perhaps in retrospect he has been more distant over the last 6 or so months.  But really, I’ve been parenting a baby and a toddler (and he is a contract FIFO worker so I’m regularly on my own with the kids for 4 - 5 days at a time) and I’ve been hormonal, sleep deprived and a little preoccupied with other things. But in all honesty before he suddenly blurted out that he’d been thinking about ending it I had no idea.

Online mommydi

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Re: falsely accused of cheating
« Reply #8 on: Tue Dec 04, 2018 - 08:22:01 »

 I have heard it said that if someone is cheating they can project their guilt onto their spouse and accuse them of cheating to deflect attention from what they are doing.
That's the first thing I thought of when reading the OP. It's not uncommon. When out of the blue, without proof, a spouse starts accusing the other one of cheating, they're often projecting and have either cheated or on the verge of it.

To the OP-
Have you noticed him projecting either positive or negatives feelings on you in the past? Does he have a history of blame shifting?

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Re: falsely accused of cheating
« Reply #8 on: Tue Dec 04, 2018 - 08:22:01 »

Offline Sarahbeth

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Re: falsely accused of cheating
« Reply #9 on: Tue Dec 04, 2018 - 09:20:06 »

To the OP-
Have you noticed him projecting either positive or negatives feelings on you in the past? Does he have a history of blame shifting?

You know, not really.  He has a history of being a bit paranoid and suspicious, but generally responsive to the idea he may not be correct. In retrospect he may have tried to bring this up before but was always vague and dropped it quickly when I asked more questions.  Given I have not been unfaithful this did not seem odd. What does concern me is that his story of how things ended with his ex wife is similar and she reportedly never admitted to being unfaithful though he insists she was.

We are from two very different cultural backgrounds and we have had difficulties with misinterpreting each other during conflict; for example he doesn’t understand ‘ over dramatisation’ and my being quite expressive about my feelings and can misinterpret how strongly i feel about something and I have had times where I’ve interpreted him as controlling or demanding when he just dpesn’t have the language to couch things in a more nuanced way.