Author Topic: Friends my husband chooses to hang around  (Read 1315 times)

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Offline sentgrace

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Friends my husband chooses to hang around
« on: Wed Sep 21, 2016 - 06:57:06 »
My husband is an alcoholic.  He is now on anti-abuse that will make him ill if he drinks.  its either that or marriage will not survive. he will not seek out help via other means of support.  .  my last straw was in july.      He has a friend he used to drink with all the time at my house in the yard,  as recently as in July while I was at work.  This friend even allows him to drive drunk.   In July the last straw I had when I had this feeling this guy was over at my house and him and my husband were drinking.  I came home unannounced.  both of them sitting outside drinking and drinking heavily.    I did not say a word.  stayed quiet until   I heard my husband start the car with his friend in it, I ran out told my husband "you are not driving anywhere and took the keys"   my husband then hot wired the car and proceeded to try to drive drunk again. they both were very intoxicated.   Again I ran out and stated you are not driving anywhere..  His friend goes "oh I am just trying to get home"  I told his friend "friend does not allow friends to drive drunk".   Luckily boss came and saved the day and they drove my husband's  friend home.  (he already had a pending dui from taking this friend home)  praise God, that was dismissed, which was a miracle.   This friend has no car, drinks around the clock, pint or more of liquor a day.  (per my husband's word's) lives in a literal shack with some other person who also drinks.   

My husband is on anti-abuse, so if he drinks it will make him really ill.     its either that or I don't think my marriage will survive...   My husband still hangs around this person.  Even though my husband is on anti-abuse I am still uncomfortable my husband still hangs around him.  The reason is, I don't know if this person smokes marijuana or takes pills to get high. I know he is a heavy drinker.   my husband has first said he doesn't smoke pot, and then another day he says "I don't know if he does or not"    I don't really know if my husband is indulging in this in place of alcohol, since he cant drink.    My husband says , "oh just because I am not drinking doesn't mean I am going to abandon him as a friend"  Well most sensible people I have talked to, if we drop things like drugs and alcohol, we can still care for the friend who is still using, but most people I have ever talked to don't put themselves in that environment.    I love my husband's friend soul, but my husband is not living the Godly life and he is not befriending this other person to ask him to come to church or try to help him out of the lifestyle.      He feels its ok to hang out with him.   my husband feels its ok since he is no antiabuse.   this friend is a heavy, heavy drinker and I don't really like my husband hanging around him, (unless of course he is trying to encourage him to get out of that lifestyle.     

Someone please give me some Godly wisdom on what to try to say to my husband about hanging asround people that are not good for him.  Maybe I am missing something here.    I do my best to talk with him in grace , but last night I was more firm about it.    Why does he keep doing it?    I find I am starting to get angry about it inside, because I feel my husband keeps breaking  boundaries.  I don't know what to say to enforce boundaries.  I feel like these type of boundaries are not enforceable.   I had told my husband to not go and pick him up and bring him to house to help my husband outside and says it is work related.   he has broken that boundary and still doing "guy" things with him.   am I wrong for not wanting my husband to hang around people who drink heavily ?   He trys to manipulate me like I just have a suspicious mind. Yes my mind is suspicious.      Because in some ways my husband has lied to me so many times, and his trust has to be earned.  These two have a past together.  They always drinked heavily together.   
« Last Edit: Wed Sep 21, 2016 - 07:41:27 by sentgrace »

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Friends my husband chooses to hang around
« on: Wed Sep 21, 2016 - 06:57:06 »

Offline Alan

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Re: Friends my husband chooses to hang around
« Reply #1 on: Wed Sep 21, 2016 - 07:40:44 »
Does your husband work? Where does he find the time to sit around having drinking sessions with his buddy?

Offline sentgrace

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Re: Friends my husband chooses to hang around
« Reply #2 on: Wed Sep 21, 2016 - 07:42:59 »
he works, but it is on days he has off or on Saturdays or Sundays.  he is on anti-abuse now, so he can not drink.  But he still gravitates to this heavy drinking friend.  I cant wrap my mind around it.

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Re: Friends my husband chooses to hang around
« Reply #2 on: Wed Sep 21, 2016 - 07:42:59 »

Offline Stranger

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Re: Friends my husband chooses to hang around
« Reply #3 on: Fri Sep 23, 2016 - 06:25:49 »
sentgrace

I don't believe anything you can say will cause your husband to quit hanging around his friends; and old friends especially.   If he doesn't make that decision himself, he is not going to be advised into it. 

Yours is a difficult situation.  Difficult because I don't think anything you can say will help, as you show that it hasn't helped up to this point.

As a Christian, I would say God is quite capable  of creating a situation between friends that causes division.   He has done it in the past with me with friends and relatives I never would have stopped seeing.  I would be praying for that. 

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Re: Friends my husband chooses to hang around
« Reply #3 on: Fri Sep 23, 2016 - 06:25:49 »

Lisa98

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Re: Friends my husband chooses to hang around
« Reply #4 on: Sat Sep 24, 2016 - 19:51:38 »
Hi Sentgrace,

I have a lot of compassion for you because I've   been in similar situation albeit many years ago.  I'm not a professional  but I have also been around very dysfunctional family members and I've had prolonged exposure to very difficult situations including substance abuse. I'm going to respond to your question with the presuppostion that your husbands efforts are not sincere and that no permanant change is in sight regardless of the fact that he appears to be making some limited gestures in terms of anti-abuse drugs. I'm going to respond on this basis because you have described the situation as bleak.

  Enforcing the ultimate boundary by seperating may be an Biblically legitimate option so you should seek out Biblical counseling.  There  comes a point where staying can be extremely distructive to your life and health and sanity .

I  think the biggest barrier to resolving these higely painful experiences lies in our own  unwillingness to accept reality.  The reality is that change rarely and almost never  happens in these circumstances  without extreme consequences and even then it frequently doesnt result in change.   My life experience has demonstrated to me that  the reality is that as long as you  try to cope with it the longer you are enabling it and the more you are actually in agreement with the lie that you can live life  on sinful dysfunctional terms without paying too high a price. Thats a lie. The price is very high for both of you. And you are both  going to continue to pay with your health and lack of personal growth and in many other ways . Your husband does not sound like he has given his life over to God so I don't think you are bound in such a situation.  A lot of people seem to get confused because they think they have a duty to stay. I don't believe that you are Biblically duty bound to stay with an unbelieveing spouce who is an alcoholic. A Born Again Christian husband would have the ability to ovecome alcoholism through the power of the Holy Spirit and would feel a deep conviction to submitting. In a temporary  situation you would be bound to see it through if, for instance,  he was a new born believer and still transitioning to a new life.  But what you describe does not sound like someone who is under the Lordship of Christ at all.  Thats why it's so critical for us to understand what it means to be Born Again because we can be fooled and confused  by people who think they are Christians but who are not in any way given over to God.

It takes so much enegy to come to the place where you have finally had enough. But when you get to finally that place  there is a light at the end of the tunnnel and your life will begin to recover.  We are only supposed to submit to or honor husbands to the extent that they have submitted  to and honored God! And if they have abdicated that role than we are not to in any way tolerate and enable  their sin.  Thats been my personal life experience.

May God support you and guide you . 
« Last Edit: Tue Sep 27, 2016 - 11:30:32 by Lisa98 »

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Re: Friends my husband chooses to hang around
« Reply #4 on: Sat Sep 24, 2016 - 19:51:38 »



Offline grams

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Re: Friends my husband chooses to hang around
« Reply #5 on: Thu Nov 10, 2016 - 06:22:24 »


I am a alcoholic  !   I had been smoking and drinking and tried many times to stop.

It  is not easy , but I finally did.

May be you and your husband can go places more often ?   More together  enjoying each other .......

So  you and he can see the love between you both !

Just try to keep company with him so he is busy and has no time to get started with all of that.

Go visit  relative or  friends  ,  or have them come over to help you !
Doing things around the house .......  painting fixing changing the rooms around   etc....etc.....

Do things together.........show  him how much you love him ............

My husband passed away  a year ago this  June.......  and I sure regret a lot.....But we did love each
other and I sure wish I was more help to him in his last years.....

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Re: Friends my husband chooses to hang around
« Reply #5 on: Thu Nov 10, 2016 - 06:22:24 »

Offline RB

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Re: Friends my husband chooses to hang around
« Reply #6 on: Thu Nov 10, 2016 - 07:37:12 »
My husband is an alcoholic.  He is now on anti-abuse that will make him ill if he drinks.  its either that or marriage will not survive.
It's very difficult to give godly advice without knowing many other things about your situation. But, you must give him a loving choice between being married to you, or married to a life of being an alcoholic. Living in such a marriage is not good, and it is unacceptable, for it is no life to live. It's time to speak very forcibly to him and mean it. You can do so while at the same time telling him your desire to live your life with him~ life is too short to live in that worthless and sinful lifestyle. Besides, God has called us unto a peaceable life by living for him, without such turmoils in our life.
Quote
1st Corinthians 7:10-15~"And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband: But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife. But to the rest speak I, not the Lord: If any brother hath a wife that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away. And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy. But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace.
Life is short, and we should not live in a marriage where we have NO PEACE. I'm NOT telling you to divorce your husband ONLY to separate from such a person, it will either sober him up quickly, or it will not, yet you at least would live PEACEABLY, and free from such wicked unwarranted turmoil.
« Last Edit: Thu Nov 10, 2016 - 07:42:36 by RB »

Jd34

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Re: Friends my husband chooses to hang around
« Reply #7 on: Thu Nov 10, 2016 - 08:19:47 »
he works, but it is on days he has off or on Saturdays or Sundays.  he is on anti-abuse now, so he can not drink.  But he still gravitates to this heavy drinking friend.  I cant wrap my mind around it.
First off alcoholism is an illness and its good to see he is at least trying to get well by taking anti-abuse medicine.  That is a very positive thing. 

Love him and support him and make yourself a part of his off days.

God loves you both ( a fact) and if you two love each other and have faith in Him  your marriage will find great happiness.

Offline grams

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Re: Friends my husband chooses to hang around
« Reply #8 on: Tue Nov 15, 2016 - 05:54:07 »


Different thing help different people.....

While I was drinking my daughter came up to me one day when she was leaving to
go out....... And  asked me " Mom do I have to kiss you ?  You smell from alcohol "

That sunk in right away !   And that helped me to quite .......It sure was not
easy but I did.

May be there is some thing you could say to your husband like that / or different.

or maybe a relative ?     May be with a man it would not work like with a lady?

But maybe some thing else can pop into your head similar ?

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Re: Friends my husband chooses to hang around
« Reply #8 on: Tue Nov 15, 2016 - 05:54:07 »

Gods Princess

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Re: Friends my husband chooses to hang around
« Reply #9 on: Wed Nov 16, 2016 - 03:21:47 »
Is your husband really serious about quitting drinking? I know you stated he is on anti-abuse but does he take it regularly or is he still drinking?

I was once married to an alcoholic drug addict. We ended up getting divorced because he refused help and decided to leave.

I would give him an ultimatum - continue drinking and you will separate from him. If he drives drunk again call the cops on him. Don't pray for him to be saved from these consequences.....it won't help him learn.

He has a stronghold and only the Lord can really deliver him from this. It is not a disease, it is a stronghold and sin. Pray and fast for him. Try and get others who will do this with you if possible. Also make sure you get help and support for yourself, it is not easy dealing with this kind of situation. Make sure to get your pastor involved in the situation as well.

As for the friends he hangs around with there isn't much you can do about it other than stating they cannot come into your home if drinking or drunk. You have this right.

If he refuses to honor your wishes, again, I advise separate from him. I am not talking about divorce here but I am saying that for your own sanity and as a wake up call to him this is sometimes the best option.


Offline grams

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Re: Friends my husband chooses to hang around
« Reply #10 on: Wed Nov 16, 2016 - 08:41:09 »


May be you and your husband can go to the doctor and he [doctor] can

help you both....   I am sure there are places the doctor can tell you were to

go if he can not help !    Blessing to you Both !   :)

Offline sentgrace

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Re: Friends my husband chooses to hang around
« Reply #11 on: Sun Jan 08, 2017 - 16:30:28 »
Thank you Lisa98. You words were sent by God to comfort me.