Author Topic: Friends of the opposite sex  (Read 9730 times)

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Offline Tianna

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Friends of the opposite sex
« on: Tue Oct 27, 2009 - 03:44:36 »

As Christians, is it wrong to be married and have friends of the opposite sex?

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Friends of the opposite sex
« on: Tue Oct 27, 2009 - 03:44:36 »

Offline Mac

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Re: Friends of the opposite sex
« Reply #1 on: Tue Oct 27, 2009 - 04:45:43 »
If it requires that you are alone with them, then in my opinion, yes.

That may seem "out there" to some, but I can tell you one thing.. The only way to avoid a tempting situation is not to get into it in the first place.

I have seen, and known, MANY people who have strayed because of this type of relationship. Just really not a good idea.

Offline chosenone

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Re: Friends of the opposite sex
« Reply #2 on: Tue Oct 27, 2009 - 05:25:38 »
If it requires that you are alone with them, then in my opinion, yes.

That may seem "out there" to some, but I can tell you one thing.. The only way to avoid a tempting situation is not to get into it in the first place.

I have seen, and known, MANY people who have strayed because of this type of relationship. Just really not a good idea.

 Same here mac. I have also seen SO many divorces due to one spouse getting too close to another person of the opposite sex, I have several just in my family and my husbands family. It just IS NOT worth the risk. besides that I have absolutely NO desire to have a male friend unless he is also my husbands friend, and cant understand why others want to, but that is just my opinion.
Why open the door to temptation?

 ALSO I heard recently that many affairs happen between the opposite sex partners of couples who are close friends, so I feel we also need to be aware of not spending time alone with the wife/husband of a friend without their spouse being there.

 I do think we are very naive to think that "it will never happen to us" as countless  people have probably said the same thing and guess what, it did happen to them.  A man on another forum that I go to said that he regularly goes out to coffee and lunch with other women and his wife is apparently ok with it. I think that is bizarre actually, as to me that is like a 'date'.
« Last Edit: Tue Oct 27, 2009 - 05:41:47 by chosenone »

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Re: Friends of the opposite sex
« Reply #2 on: Tue Oct 27, 2009 - 05:25:38 »

UtahDad

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Re: Friends of the opposite sex
« Reply #3 on: Tue Oct 27, 2009 - 09:35:59 »
This is a huge red flag when I am finding out about a girl that I want to date, if she is one that likes to just hang out with guy 'friends' and isn't willing to set boundaries when she starts to get serious I wouldn't even consider dating her.  I have been the guy 'friend' too many times when I wasn't really where I should have been with the Lord and I know exactly what can happen.  

As I have said in previous posts, I have run into quite a few 'christian' girls that say there is absolutely nothing wrong with them being off with their guy 'friends', alone and even staying the night at their homes while the girl is involved with a serious relationship.  Then they wonder why they can only find real losers that want to date them, then the guy she is dating can be off with his girl 'friends' while she is off with the guys.  It just makes no sense to me.

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Re: Friends of the opposite sex
« Reply #3 on: Tue Oct 27, 2009 - 09:35:59 »

Offline armywifenmom

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Re: Friends of the opposite sex
« Reply #4 on: Tue Oct 27, 2009 - 09:59:54 »
I was on another christian forum where everytime this topic came up a ''christian'' woman would always chime in and just blow me away. Had she just said she doesn't have a problem w/ opposite sex friends, I wouldn't have thought anything else. However she'd go on to say how she went out on dinner and lunch dates (innocent) with her co-workers, and one time even had to share a hotel room while traveling on business. Oh and her hubby didn't seem to have a problem w/ these encounters ::frown::


IMHOP, there is no reason why a married should be spending anytime ALONE with the opposite sex, unless they are trapped in an elevator, or they are taking care of an elderly.....like 80 yrs old.

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Re: Friends of the opposite sex
« Reply #4 on: Tue Oct 27, 2009 - 09:59:54 »



Offline haveahope

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Re: Friends of the opposite sex
« Reply #5 on: Tue Oct 27, 2009 - 10:15:34 »
You are all spot on!  The Bible warns us not to join in even the "appearance of evil".  Again, it's about boundaries and "guard your heart for out of it are the issues of life" - I always warn people what these 'issues' could be - divorce, heart break, whether you live on welfare, whether you find yourself in an abusive relationship, etc.....
 These are issues we will deal with if our heart is not properly 'guarded' as it should be.  God's boundaries are always for our good, not because He wants to limit our 'fun' or relationships, but because He is all wise and knows the human heart far better than we know ourselves.

 HAH

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Re: Friends of the opposite sex
« Reply #5 on: Tue Oct 27, 2009 - 10:15:34 »

Offline yesult

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Re: Friends of the opposite sex
« Reply #6 on: Fri Oct 30, 2009 - 06:03:03 »
I think that once you marry your friends automatically become friends of both of you or not at all if they're the opposite gender. If your husband or wife feels threatened (reasonably) by someone then I don't think it's wise to keep seeing them.

To keep your opposite sex buddies is pushing it in my opinion unless your partner is completly fine with it all because they can trust you enough not to do something thoughtless.

However I think you can innocently go over the line or lead them over if you arn't careful too. So it's something to be wary of in my opinion.

If I really felt I could trust my husband then I don't think I'd care who he hang out with. But if I started feeling threatened or uncomfortable about any of his friendships then I would expect him to take that into consideration and put the lid on it or tone it right down. (And vice versa.)

Jealousy can be a nasty thing to have to deal with in a relationship and can restrict healthy friendships, but being careless of disrespectful of your partners feelings can do damage as well. I think balance and trust are the factors that everything needs to come back to.

larry2

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Re: Friends of the opposite sex
« Reply #7 on: Sat Oct 31, 2009 - 07:01:41 »

1 Thessalonians 5:22  Abstain from all appearance of evil.

Offline JohnDB

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Re: Friends of the opposite sex
« Reply #8 on: Sat Oct 31, 2009 - 07:28:10 »
I have many friends of the opposite sex...and I am married.

The intimacy level of those that are of the opposite sex isn't the same kind of intimacy that I have with my wife though...it is a completely other thing altogether.

Most of my female friends are no where near the same age as myself either...usually ten to fifteen years difference...any that are anywhere reasonably close to my age are usually kept at arms length...for good reason. Many of my female friends are also married...and really married. Some are single. But there is never any impropriety nor is any desired or worried over. The things we discuss are always above board and cannot be misconstrued as romantic...

Only someone with a really twisted biscuit would take anything that we discuss as something romantic.

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Re: Friends of the opposite sex
« Reply #8 on: Sat Oct 31, 2009 - 07:28:10 »

Offline walker starr

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Re: Friends of the opposite sex
« Reply #9 on: Sat Oct 31, 2009 - 09:37:25 »



      In my first marriage I thought I owned my wife and she thought she owned me .  Neither of us was confident enough to trust
      each other out of sight in company with the opposite sex.  In both of my future marriages I did know better.  Both of my wives
      had enough self confidence to know not to worry about me going astray with some other woman.  They knew I would
     never pick up a greasy hamburger out when I had chateau briand waiting at home.  I thanks be to Jesus had wisdom
    enough to feel the same way about them.  My second two marriages were much happier  than the first one and I think
     mostly for this change in attitude.  If a spouse of either sex is going to stray it will happen no matter how strict the rules.
    It depends not on the rules but on the spouses.  If you love him or her let your spouse go.  If your spouse comes back you
    really have a loving spouse and not a prisoner.  GOD Bless.

Offline chosenone

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Re: Friends of the opposite sex
« Reply #10 on: Sat Oct 31, 2009 - 09:46:01 »
I really dont know why people needs friends of the oppostie sex, unless they are friends of both spouses. Neither of has any desire to see or go out with a member of the oppostie sex without our spouse,even if we thought it was appropriate (which we dont). I have many good female friends, we have couples who we are friends with, we have five young adult children between us, and most imporant of all we have each other and we are each others very best friend. Why on earth would I need to go out with, or spend time with, a man who isnt my husband?
It is nothing to do with trust or thinking that we 'own' each other in any way.
 

Offline Charles Sloan

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Re: Friends of the opposite sex
« Reply #11 on: Sat Oct 31, 2009 - 11:06:41 »
If the wife is looking to maintain extra-martial relationships with male friends, I wonder how comfortable she would be extending the same liberty to her husband.

Often I find what is good for the goose is not good for the gander.

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Re: Friends of the opposite sex
« Reply #12 on: Sun Nov 01, 2009 - 05:39:35 »
I really dont know why people needs friends of the oppostie sex, unless they are friends of both spouses. Neither of has any desire to see or go out with a member of the oppostie sex without our spouse,even if we thought it was appropriate (which we dont). I have many good female friends, we have couples who we are friends with, we have five young adult children between us, and most imporant of all we have each other and we are each others very best friend. Why on earth would I need to go out with, or spend time with, a man who isnt my husband?
It is nothing to do with trust or thinking that we 'own' each other in any way.

Have you ever worked?  I have, a lot.  I have made male and female friends where I worked.

In answer to the OP, not it is not wrong to have friends of the opposite sex.

That being said, anyone needs to be careful, lest you be tempted, or, like brother larry said, give the appearance of evil.

In Christ,
KP

Offline chosenone

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Re: Friends of the opposite sex
« Reply #13 on: Sun Nov 01, 2009 - 10:53:44 »
I really dont know why people needs friends of the oppostie sex, unless they are friends of both spouses. Neither of has any desire to see or go out with a member of the oppostie sex without our spouse,even if we thought it was appropriate (which we dont). I have many good female friends, we have couples who we are friends with, we have five young adult children between us, and most imporant of all we have each other and we are each others very best friend. Why on earth would I need to go out with, or spend time with, a man who isnt my husband?
It is nothing to do with trust or thinking that we 'own' each other in any way.

Have you ever worked?  I have, a lot.  I have made male and female friends where I worked.

In answer to the OP, not it is not wrong to have friends of the opposite sex.

That being said, anyone needs to be careful, lest you be tempted, or, like brother larry said, give the appearance of evil.

In Christ,
KP
 

Yes I have worked and yes my husband works but relationships at work are kept on a  work level where politeness and friendlines are there but the focus is on work and they are colleagues rather then what I call friends.
We both have friends of the same sex but all of our opposite sex friendsips are those that are between both of us, as we are friends with other couples.

k-pappy

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Re: Friends of the opposite sex
« Reply #14 on: Sun Nov 01, 2009 - 12:39:32 »
What do you call "friends?"

Offline chosenone

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Re: Friends of the opposite sex
« Reply #15 on: Sun Nov 01, 2009 - 12:46:43 »
What do you call "friends?"


well that's a good point isn't it. Friends can mean many different things to many different people. For me people at work would be acquaintances. Friends to me are those who I am close to and would probably open up to. Some friends are much closer than others of course.
However to go out with a friend who is a member of the opposite sex for lunch or whatever, for me would be really innappropriate and not advisable. Some do this however and think it is OK.
I would feel REALLY uncomfortable going out for lunch or coffee with a man who isn't my husband. or son or step son or brother.

Offline Tianna

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Re: Friends of the opposite sex
« Reply #16 on: Tue Nov 03, 2009 - 03:43:11 »

Thank you all for your comments. I am so trying to do the right thing but unfortunately I don't always know what is the right thing.

My friends are mostly of the opposite sex and all of them are guys I went to school and twenty years later we are still friends and still in touch. I never see any of them as they are spread all over the world. We maintain the friednship through emails and phone calls. I call them when I need to talk to someone, send emails every now and again and although we don't talk everyday we're in touch often. I do have a few female friends but they're also mostly out of SA.

I did have an emotional affair with one of them but I have ended it and have not been in touch with him for a few weeks now. Now I'm wondering if this means I need to end the rest of the friendships?

My husband does not have friends - none at all. He puts no effort into keeping friends and maintaining relationships. When we met we became friends with a few other couples at church and the friendships eventually died mainly because my husband is not willing to do anything with anyone. We will get invited to a wedding and he will find an excuse not to go, we get invited for dinner and he will turn down the invitation without even discussing with me first. At the end people simply stop asking us to do things with them. We never invite people over to our house - he's never in the mood to enetertain. His brothers all have mutual friends and you will find that they were all invited to some party - except for him - because he never ever makes an effort to remain friends with people.

I'm a people's person and have always been. I have so many friends, friends I made during my school days, I am 35 years old now and I am not sure I can handle not having any friends at all in my life. It would help if he talked to me or did fun things wit me but he doesn't. He always has an excuse for not wanting to do anything. He knows some of my friends and seems okay with it - but just because he is okay with it does not make it right does it?

I get sooo angry at times as I just don't understand why I have to look outside of my marriage for people to talk to and to share some of my everyday stuff with him - is he not supposed to be there for me when it comes to things like this? I've been asking myself if I really am expecting him to fill a void that only God can fill but I'm not sure thats what I'm doing - all I need is someone to talk to, someone to do fun things with, someone I know I can count on if I need to share what happened at work etc. Because none of my friends are here in South Africa, I am always at home - doing absolutely nothing and I'm not sure I can continue like this anymore.

I've spoken to him about making and keeping friends but he's not interested. I have tried to let go of my friends but then I always ask myself - why should I destroy my friendships - is that the right thing to do?

Offline yesult

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Re: Friends of the opposite sex
« Reply #17 on: Tue Nov 03, 2009 - 04:34:06 »
I don't think so.

Friendships are healthy. Emotional affairs are sin. Just try not to cross the line. It can be hard when your husband isn't meeting your needs (or at least the bulk of them) in this area. But as far as I'm concerned, that's his sin against you and shouldn't be allowed to drag you down.

Friends are healthy. Just keep up healthy boundries and try to love your husband the best you can with all the strength God gives you.

And don't be scared to ask God to shake him up in this area (healthily, not through sin on your part.) Sometimes people need a good shake up and God wants a healthy relationship for you even more then you do. You can't force a change in his behaviour but God can. It's worth a shot anyway in my opinion.

All the best with it and prayers are with you for this.

(thanks for being so honest. I've found your posts refreshing. God is faithful, don't worry.)

Offline chosenone

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Re: Friends of the opposite sex
« Reply #18 on: Tue Nov 03, 2009 - 07:00:13 »
Tianna
There are just as many females in the world as males. Concentrate on making and keeping female friends. You can do things with them and go out with them and have a  coffee with them. I am married and wouldn't do anything with men without my husband, but I have some good women friends mainly from church. In light of the emotional affair, I personally would stay well away from other men, but enjoy your women friends and concentrate on getting to know more.
Some people just don't like socialising, and when they aren't at work they just want to relax. There is nothing wrong with that its just the way that  some people (like your husband)are.I guess he was like that when you met?
That doesn't stop you doing things with your female friends.

k-pappy

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Re: Friends of the opposite sex
« Reply #19 on: Tue Nov 03, 2009 - 07:34:02 »
I don't think so.

Friendships are healthy. Emotional affairs are sin. Just try not to cross the line. It can be hard when your husband isn't meeting your needs (or at least the bulk of them) in this area. But as far as I'm concerned, that's his sin against you and shouldn't be allowed to drag you down.

Friends are healthy. Just keep up healthy boundries and try to love your husband the best you can with all the strength God gives you.

And don't be scared to ask God to shake him up in this area (healthily, not through sin on your part.) Sometimes people need a good shake up and God wants a healthy relationship for you even more then you do. You can't force a change in his behaviour but God can. It's worth a shot anyway in my opinion.

All the best with it and prayers are with you for this.

(thanks for being so honest. I've found your posts refreshing. God is faithful, don't worry.)

yesult, that is probably the best bit of advice on this entire thread...manna to you!

In Christ,
KP

Offline Tianna

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Re: Friends of the opposite sex
« Reply #20 on: Tue Nov 03, 2009 - 07:42:55 »

chosenone I really am trying - honestly I am. I just find it soooo difficult at times and thats why even though I'm embarrassed and scared I still ask you people these questions. I know I have a lot to learn and still have a long way to go and getting honest responses like I've been getting here is helping me a lot.

Thank you yesult....you have no idea how these issues are tormenting me - even as I am writting this I am crying, with tears rolling down my face. But I understand your response and I am trying my best to change my attitude and views on this whole thing. I think for too long I've been blaming my husband and not really looking at me and my attitude. I will pray that God shakes him up in this area too - something I've never prayed for.

Thank you all for your honest feedback and for helping me in this walk.

Offline Tianna

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Re: Friends of the opposite sex
« Reply #21 on: Tue Nov 03, 2009 - 07:50:53 »

Maybe its too late to fix things? Maybe I'll always be left wanting in these areas? We've been married 7 years and already I've had an affair - maybe we shoudl just separate and go our separate ways? I honestly don't know what to do.....

Offline JohnDB

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Re: Friends of the opposite sex
« Reply #22 on: Tue Nov 03, 2009 - 08:07:59 »

Maybe its too late to fix things? Maybe I'll always be left wanting in these areas? We've been married 7 years and already I've had an affair - maybe we shoudl just separate and go our separate ways? I honestly don't know what to do.....

Your future lies with your husband...not with any other machinations of your mind. Look to him for the strength that you really want...he has it. He has a self confidense in his path that you really do want.

It may seem odd to look to him for it at the moment...but he really does have something that you really do want but can't really identify or understand at the moment. It isn't something flashy or quick...it is a kind of slow majic that is real...more real than any "feeling" or emotion. Real stuff and really good things take a good bit of time to develop. And your husband has a grip on those things. I hope you one day will see that. The world tells us how things should be...but reality is something different than that. Look to your husband for that reality...he is stronger and better than you have realized.

Offline chosenone

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Re: Friends of the opposite sex
« Reply #23 on: Tue Nov 03, 2009 - 09:35:25 »

Maybe its too late to fix things? Maybe I'll always be left wanting in these areas? We've been married 7 years and already I've had an affair - maybe we shoudl just separate and go our separate ways? I honestly don't know what to do.....
 

No theres no reason to even think of ending the marriage. There must be many reaons why you fell in love with him and got married? OK so he isnt that sociable, but thast isnt  a reason to end it. You have had an emotional  affair yes, maybe becuase you havent got boundaries set up  as you need between you and any other men.
Could you concentrate on your female friends and on your husband? Do you REALLY have to have male friends?

By the way please dont feel bad, we all make mistakes. Put that in the past and move forward. He is your husband, and you are married and commiiitted to each other.
 Do you think it may help for you both to go and see someone together to talk this through?Does he realise how unhappy it makes you feel for him to say no to invitations etc and never go out together? Could you have a 'date night' once a week or so when you go out for a meal or to the movies or whatever?

Offline soaringasaneagle

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Re: Friends of the opposite sex
« Reply #24 on: Sat Nov 07, 2009 - 17:27:20 »
I think if you have already had an affair, then you  need to step back from having so many male friends.  It sounds like you look to them when your husband is not meeting your needs, which is dangerous ground, IMHO.  Is your husband ok with you having male friends?  Maybe he is annoyed that you reach out to other men, so he has closed you out thinking you don't need him anyway.  Just a thought I had.  My advice would be to take your marriage concerns to the Lord in prayer most of all.  I would definately NOT speak to your male friends about your marriage frustrations.  Again, dangerous ground.  Having friends is a good thing, but taking your specific situation into account, I would find some good female friends.  God bless

Offline feelsoblessed

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Re: Friends of the opposite sex
« Reply #25 on: Sun Dec 13, 2009 - 17:53:35 »
As for your friendships with your other guy friends, it sounds like you are going to them with things you need to go to your husband with...and if you can't talk to him about this stuff, you need to give this stuff to God. Let Him be the one you go to. Ask Him to reveal ways for you and your husband to re-connect. Sometimes these emotional affairs lead to more, before you even realize it. You are investing time in these relationships that you could be investing with your husband and he with you. Marriage is a gift from God and He wants to bless you in your marriage-ask Him to be with you and bless your marriage.

In Christ,