Friends of the opposite sex

[chosenone]

What do you call "friends?"

well that's a good point isn't it. Friends can mean many different things to many different people. For me people at work would be acquaintances. Friends to me are those who I am close to and would probably open up to. Some friends are much closer than others of course.
However to go out with a friend who is a member of the opposite sex for lunch or whatever, for me would be really innappropriate and not advisable. Some do this however and think it is OK.
I would feel REALLY uncomfortable going out for lunch or coffee with a man who isn't my husband. or son or step son or brother.

[Tianna]

Thank you all for your comments. I am so trying to do the right thing but unfortunately I don't always know what is the right thing.

My friends are mostly of the opposite sex and all of them are guys I went to school and twenty years later we are still friends and still in touch. I never see any of them as they are spread all over the world. We maintain the friednship through emails and phone calls. I call them when I need to talk to someone, send emails every now and again and although we don't talk everyday we're in touch often. I do have a few female friends but they're also mostly out of SA.

I did have an emotional affair with one of them but I have ended it and have not been in touch with him for a few weeks now. Now I'm wondering if this means I need to end the rest of the friendships?

My husband does not have friends - none at all. He puts no effort into keeping friends and maintaining relationships. When we met we became friends with a few other couples at church and the friendships eventually died mainly because my husband is not willing to do anything with anyone. We will get invited to a wedding and he will find an excuse not to go, we get invited for dinner and he will turn down the invitation without even discussing with me first. At the end people simply stop asking us to do things with them. We never invite people over to our house - he's never in the mood to enetertain. His brothers all have mutual friends and you will find that they were all invited to some party - except for him - because he never ever makes an effort to remain friends with people.

I'm a people's person and have always been. I have so many friends, friends I made during my school days, I am 35 years old now and I am not sure I can handle not having any friends at all in my life. It would help if he talked to me or did fun things wit me but he doesn't. He always has an excuse for not wanting to do anything. He knows some of my friends and seems okay with it - but just because he is okay with it does not make it right does it?

I get sooo angry at times as I just don't understand why I have to look outside of my marriage for people to talk to and to share some of my everyday stuff with him - is he not supposed to be there for me when it comes to things like this? I've been asking myself if I really am expecting him to fill a void that only God can fill but I'm not sure thats what I'm doing - all I need is someone to talk to, someone to do fun things with, someone I know I can count on if I need to share what happened at work etc. Because none of my friends are here in South Africa, I am always at home - doing absolutely nothing and I'm not sure I can continue like this anymore.

I've spoken to him about making and keeping friends but he's not interested. I have tried to let go of my friends but then I always ask myself - why should I destroy my friendships - is that the right thing to do?

[yesult]

I don't think so.

Friendships are healthy. Emotional affairs are sin. Just try not to cross the line. It can be hard when your husband isn't meeting your needs (or at least the bulk of them) in this area. But as far as I'm concerned, that's his sin against you and shouldn't be allowed to drag you down.

Friends are healthy. Just keep up healthy boundries and try to love your husband the best you can with all the strength God gives you.

And don't be scared to ask God to shake him up in this area (healthily, not through sin on your part.) Sometimes people need a good shake up and God wants a healthy relationship for you even more then you do. You can't force a change in his behaviour but God can. It's worth a shot anyway in my opinion.

All the best with it and prayers are with you for this.

(thanks for being so honest. I've found your posts refreshing. God is faithful, don't worry.)

[chosenone]

Tianna
There are just as many females in the world as males. Concentrate on making and keeping female friends. You can do things with them and go out with them and have a  coffee with them. I am married and wouldn't do anything with men without my husband, but I have some good women friends mainly from church. In light of the emotional affair, I personally would stay well away from other men, but enjoy your women friends and concentrate on getting to know more.
Some people just don't like socialising, and when they aren't at work they just want to relax. There is nothing wrong with that its just the way that  some people (like your husband)are.I guess he was like that when you met?
That doesn't stop you doing things with your female friends.

[BondServant]

I don't think so.

Friendships are healthy. Emotional affairs are sin. Just try not to cross the line. It can be hard when your husband isn't meeting your needs (or at least the bulk of them) in this area. But as far as I'm concerned, that's his sin against you and shouldn't be allowed to drag you down.

Friends are healthy. Just keep up healthy boundries and try to love your husband the best you can with all the strength God gives you.

And don't be scared to ask God to shake him up in this area (healthily, not through sin on your part.) Sometimes people need a good shake up and God wants a healthy relationship for you even more then you do. You can't force a change in his behaviour but God can. It's worth a shot anyway in my opinion.

All the best with it and prayers are with you for this.

(thanks for being so honest. I've found your posts refreshing. God is faithful, don't worry.)

yesult, that is probably the best bit of advice on this entire thread...manna to you!

In Christ,
KP

[Tianna]

chosenone I really am trying - honestly I am. I just find it soooo difficult at times and thats why even though I'm embarrassed and scared I still ask you people these questions. I know I have a lot to learn and still have a long way to go and getting honest responses like I've been getting here is helping me a lot.

Thank you yesult....you have no idea how these issues are tormenting me - even as I am writting this I am crying, with tears rolling down my face. But I understand your response and I am trying my best to change my attitude and views on this whole thing. I think for too long I've been blaming my husband and not really looking at me and my attitude. I will pray that God shakes him up in this area too - something I've never prayed for.

Thank you all for your honest feedback and for helping me in this walk.

[Tianna]

Maybe its too late to fix things? Maybe I'll always be left wanting in these areas? We've been married 7 years and already I've had an affair - maybe we shoudl just separate and go our separate ways? I honestly don't know what to do.....

[JohnDB]

Maybe its too late to fix things? Maybe I'll always be left wanting in these areas? We've been married 7 years and already I've had an affair - maybe we shoudl just separate and go our separate ways? I honestly don't know what to do.....

Your future lies with your husband...not with any other machinations of your mind. Look to him for the strength that you really want...he has it. He has a self confidense in his path that you really do want.

It may seem odd to look to him for it at the moment...but he really does have something that you really do want but can't really identify or understand at the moment. It isn't something flashy or quick...it is a kind of slow majic that is real...more real than any "feeling" or emotion. Real stuff and really good things take a good bit of time to develop. And your husband has a grip on those things. I hope you one day will see that. The world tells us how things should be...but reality is something different than that. Look to your husband for that reality...he is stronger and better than you have realized.

[chosenone]

Maybe its too late to fix things? Maybe I'll always be left wanting in these areas? We've been married 7 years and already I've had an affair - maybe we shoudl just separate and go our separate ways? I honestly don't know what to do.....

 

No theres no reason to even think of ending the marriage. There must be many reaons why you fell in love with him and got married? OK so he isnt that sociable, but thast isnt  a reason to end it. You have had an emotional  affair yes, maybe becuase you havent got boundaries set up  as you need between you and any other men.
Could you concentrate on your female friends and on your husband? Do you REALLY have to have male friends?

By the way please dont feel bad, we all make mistakes. Put that in the past and move forward. He is your husband, and you are married and commiiitted to each other.
 Do you think it may help for you both to go and see someone together to talk this through?Does he realise how unhappy it makes you feel for him to say no to invitations etc and never go out together? Could you have a 'date night' once a week or so when you go out for a meal or to the movies or whatever?

[soaringasaneagle]

I think if you have already had an affair, then you  need to step back from having so many male friends.  It sounds like you look to them when your husband is not meeting your needs, which is dangerous ground, IMHO.  Is your husband ok with you having male friends?  Maybe he is annoyed that you reach out to other men, so he has closed you out thinking you don't need him anyway.  Just a thought I had.  My advice would be to take your marriage concerns to the Lord in prayer most of all.  I would definately NOT speak to your male friends about your marriage frustrations.  Again, dangerous ground.  Having friends is a good thing, but taking your specific situation into account, I would find some good female friends.  God bless