Author Topic: Hard decision to make- separating from alcoholic spouse  (Read 1603 times)

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Offline sentgrace

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Hard decision to make- separating from alcoholic spouse
« on: Sun Jan 08, 2017 - 17:00:11 »
I think I have come to conclusion I may need to separate  from my alcoholic spouse.  Apparently the anti abuse he is on is not working, even though I watch him take it and he shows me his mouth after taking it. MY biblical counselor says he may be putting it in the roof of his mouth.  Anyway, its not working as he is still getting drunk and the anti abuse is not making him sick.  I have done absolutely everything I can to help my husband, by showing appreciation for the sobor times,  trying to be as loving wife as I can, without nagging, etc..Am I flawed? Yes, i am, but I am striving, and getting through with the help of Jesus... It's truly up to him to want to   give up drinking & then the Lord can do His work.  I am seeing a biblical counselor weekly to help me as well.   He gets drunk while I am at work, when he is not working.  He gets drunk with another alcoholic friend,  who drinks a pint or more a day.

I have to be honest, I am alittle afraid of my decision and afraid of the unknowns.His sister lives with is, whom I am close to and she is a support system as she sees first-hand the situation. I will need alot of prayersI am nervous about trusting  God, due to the unknowns, i have to be honest about this, and i will be talking to my counselor about this.  My church is about to license me and I feel so unworthy of it. My Pastor is fully aware of the situation.  My counselor assured me she sees many Pastors ..Pastors need counseling to, as we are all flawed and fall short of the Glory of God..I love my husband very much, but i finding myself crying more and more in private.  He only tells me what i want to hear, with untruths, and there does not seem to be any desire to change.  Even if he tells me the truth I am unable now to differate whether he is being honest with me.  For instance, he knows he should not being going over to this drinking friend's house.  This person drinks very heavily, has no license, abandoned his family, lives in sub-standard conditions, never washes or washes his clothes (he literally smells like alcohol and a trash dump ( I am not saying this to be mean, it is the truth) About two months ago, my husband got drunk with him at his house, and the friend goes to his roommate: "she is very nice, goes to church, pretty, I don't see what she sees in him (meaning my husband") this is another hard-core alcoholic telling this to my own husband!  I have been praying that the Lord would break them apart somehow.  But I believe there would be another person he would drink with.    I was hoping this would put a wedge between them, but it did not.   He said his drinking friend called him and asked him was there any work he could do on the outside of the house (shed) Well, I decided to check my husband's phone (something I used to not do, until right recently)  and there were no phone calls on his phone from this friend on that day he supposedly called.   My husband went over there and pretended the friend called him.   His friend lost his license indefinitely so it is my husband who runs to him or brings him to our house to work on a shed they are building.   I set boundaries, that this friend is not to drink over here working on the shed or roof and the friend does respects that.  I have  witnessed to him and invited him to church and gave him some Biblical literature I have written.     Anyway, I did not tell my husband any of this and kept it to myself.   The danger is when I go to work and that is when the drunkenness starts, if my husband is not working.  Only happens when I am at work.   Thank you and God Bless each one of you richly.
« Last Edit: Sun Jan 08, 2017 - 17:31:21 by sentgrace »

Offline chosenone

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Re: Hard decision to make- separating from alcoholic spouse
« Reply #1 on: Sun Jan 08, 2017 - 20:03:02 »
Sometimes it takes drastic action to shock people into actually doing something. He seems to be doing nothing to help himself at all right now. Does he know that you are seriously thinking of leaving?

A lady I know did this with a husband who refused to stop looking at porn. After many years she was ready to leave and said, its the porn or me. He stopped the porn. He knew she was serious. In the end he needs to chose you and the marriage or the drink(and the lying).

Its very possible he isn't taking that tablet. There are ways it can be hidden in the mouth, but as you say, when he tells so many lies, its hard to know if he is telling the truth or not.
« Last Edit: Mon Jan 09, 2017 - 09:58:38 by chosenone »

Offline judyc1008

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Re: Hard decision to make- separating from alcoholic spouse
« Reply #2 on: Thu Jan 12, 2017 - 12:58:03 »
Wow that is a difficult situation to be in and I am so glad that you are getting counseling.  What is your counselor telling you to do?  Have you tried an intervention?  This is where you sit down with a third party and tell your husband that he either gets help or suffers the consequences.  Keep in mind that separation doesn’t always mean divorce and maybe that is the kick in the pants that he needs.
I am so thankful that you have the Lord to lean on and it sounds like your church is really supportive too.  You clearly love your husband and care about his well-being.  Yes, he is lying to you and that is the addiction talking.  Twelve years ago, the Lord set me free from my alcohol addiction and I can tell you that an addict will say/do anything to be able to have their drug of choice.  Please encourage him to get help and if your counselor agrees, perhaps you might consider a program like Celebrate Recovery to help with co-dependence.  Alcoholism doesn’t just affect the one who drinks, as you know, it is a sickness that affects the whole family.  You can find a Celebrate Recovery in your area by going to  It is a really good, solid, Bible based recovery program.
I will be praying for you.