Author Topic: He almost left me STRANDED!  (Read 1745 times)

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Offline minime5555

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He almost left me STRANDED!
« on: Thu Sep 24, 2015 - 11:27:08 »
I am writing because I am very concerned about my fiancé/husband. We have lived together for about a year now. He just recently filed paperwork at the courthouse, to make us “common law marriage” in our state — for insurance purposes.  We plan to get married with a full ceremony in a few months. He often introduces me as his wife to his colleagues and he required me to give all my income to him — as he is head of household.
I have a new business and that means all of my clients’ checks are gross payments and need taxes withheld before year’s end. He takes my direct deposits and transfers them immediately to an account that I have no access to.
He says “HE” handles the finances. He gives me a credit card to use for all my purchases, to accumulate airline points etc. But, I have no access to MY business money. I recently wanted to buy a piece of equipment and he told me we couldn’t afford it, because he paid bills with all my income for the month. (My business is all positive cash flow).

I suggested last month that I get a business account and he got extremely upset and said that he thought I was trying to do “weird things” behind his back. He was also angry that I had applied for my OWN credit card for the business. (I have terrible credit because of a previous divorce, so I was trying to re-establish credit history). He said that I was “up to no good”.

He eventually calmed down and agreed to meet with HIS accountant (with me) to find out what needs to be done to incorporate the business. The accountant told him that the business account is imperative and I needed to have taxes withheld quarterly. My husband agreed and said we would do that.  That was last month. He hasn’t done it.  And he told me that he isn’t going to withhold cash for my taxes — because it’s being used to pay down his debt (from my engagement ring) and that it makes no sense to put cash in a saving account when it can pay down interest bearing debt.

This issue has been a HUGE source of contention so i have just let it go. But, I am very worried.

THEN — last weekend we were out with a girlfriend of mine and her boyfriend.  The “boys” went to go get drinks (we were at a football game) and we were in the stands. An old guy friend of hers…came up to say hello.  He introduced himself and then said he wanted a group picture.  I backed out and he insisted that I get in with everyone.  So, I did.  I texted my husband before this happened and told him to hurry because this guy friend of hers was there…and I wanted him to know nothing weird or fishy was going on.  (he’s EXTREMELY jealous).  Well, he arrived just as the picture was about to be snapped and I was so scared he’d get mad I literally knocked the drink out of his hand accidentally — to pull him into the picture. He was VERY mad at me and said that he couldn’t walk away for 5 minutes without me talking to a new guy.  He eventually let that go….but then the jealousy surfaced again.

I ran into a friend of HIS at our next stop (lounge bar). We were both talking to him. Then he introduced my husband to another guy and I got stuck talking to him. I don’t like the guy but I was being polite. As we chatted, he told me that he was good friends with an old co worker/friend of mine. I said Oh my gosh! i haven’t talked to him in ages.  He said let’s snap a picture and I’ll text it to him.  My husband was next to me talking to the other guy.  I tried to interrupt but he didn’t understand what I was doing.  So after the guy snapped 2 shots, I yanked my husband’s hand into the picture. i explained to him what we were taking the picture for.  He posed and then he seemed angry. Well, he had a few drinks — as did I.  As we were leaving, he started yelling at me (walking down the sidewalk of crowded street) telling me that he couldn’t BELIEVE I was taking pictures with this guy. Then I grabbed his hand and told him he was SO wrong - I was just being polite and communicating with an old co worker (who’s gay!).  He said I don’t care — you just posed for a picture with that guy WITHOUT ME! I said yes …I was trying to get you in it. He said you are going to be on FB now with 2 different guys and all your friends are going to think you are a “whore”.  He is screaming this on the sidewalk.  I started to cry. Then he screamed that I was acting like a victim and that I am crying because I know I “F’d up”….I apologized to him for taking the picture, but told him it was harmless.  I started crying harder and he started getting and at my tears. So I started walking faster away from him (to compose myself and stop the scene). So, he told me he was LEAVING in HIS car and going home.  We were 1.5 hours away from home (we had a hotel).  He was LEAVING!

I ran to the hotel quickly and he started running behind me. I was crying and he told me that I was acting ridiculous and that he was going to call security on me because my running was causing a scene.

I ran up to the room and he followed. He eventually calmed down and I just went silent wondering how to deal with this and what to do in this awful situation.

He woke up the next morning begging me to tell him why I was acting so crazy and saying “you are just looking to leave me…I know it. You are looking for an exit.”  I told him I am NOT.  That I was NOT the one threatening to leave him STRANDED. He said he would never really do that — he was just trying to get my attention.

I am so sad and I keep waking up in the middle of the night scared of this situation. I love this man — he has A LOT of good about him too.  But, these elements above are not good and deep in my gut, I know it.  I feel so lost.
He’s a very successful man who is respected by everyone.  EVERYONE loves him.  I feel so upset.

Am I overreacting to this?

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He almost left me STRANDED!
« on: Thu Sep 24, 2015 - 11:27:08 »

mommydi

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Re: He almost left me STRANDED!
« Reply #1 on: Thu Sep 24, 2015 - 12:00:23 »
 When you were here before, you said you work your butt off to support your ex and pay child support. How are you paying child support and alimony to your child and ex when this boyfriend of yours takes your entire paycheck and won't let you have access to it?

Offline minime5555

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Re: He almost left me STRANDED!
« Reply #2 on: Thu Sep 24, 2015 - 12:04:39 »
I have been paying. I have a hidden old bank account that still has money it -- and I've been paying my ex without my husband's knowledge. He doesn't agree with paying the child support until I have a formal court order. I had left my job and asked for an adjustment on my child support (husband's urging) and while I await that official assessment by the judge -- I am secretly paying the previous amount.  I can't let my son go without....

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Re: He almost left me STRANDED!
« Reply #2 on: Thu Sep 24, 2015 - 12:04:39 »

Offline MeMyself

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Re: He almost left me STRANDED!
« Reply #3 on: Thu Sep 24, 2015 - 12:17:02 »
we warned you not to get enmeshed with this man...

I am sorry that you are now suffering the consequences we begged you to run from.

God be with you.

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Re: He almost left me STRANDED!
« Reply #3 on: Thu Sep 24, 2015 - 12:17:02 »

k-pappy

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Re: He almost left me STRANDED!
« Reply #4 on: Thu Sep 24, 2015 - 12:17:29 »
You need to get out of that relationship.  Fast.  And don't look back.  Run hard, run fast.

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Re: He almost left me STRANDED!
« Reply #4 on: Thu Sep 24, 2015 - 12:17:29 »



Online Rella

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Re: He almost left me STRANDED!
« Reply #5 on: Thu Sep 24, 2015 - 14:03:45 »


I am sorry that you are now suffering the consequences we begged you to run from.


This may sound harsh but I am not one bit sorry for her.

She obviously loves the drama that occurs in this relationship... Speaking of which....

What the heck is with the common law marriage thing? It is not a marriage.

And I never heard of insurance covering a common law spouse....

Or is this somehow for a life insurance policy??????? Hmmmmmm ::pondering:: just wonder where that might lead.

This relationship... which involves illicit sex ( the not married kind) will continue as common law with illicit sex (not the married kind) and God cannot bless you or help you while this is going on.

But, aside from that.....

IF this man is taking all you money ( as he believes he is) and not setting anything aside or taxes.... YOU still will
need to file your income tax return as a single person... not joint.

What do you think he is going to do when you have no money to pay the taxes and the IRS is all over you for that?

Isn't it odd that he wants your money to pay against the engagement ring he should have bought you???????

Wouldn't it be easier to sell the ring to pay off the loan for it then to work and have to pay for it yourself when HE is going to take all the credit that he gave it to you..... 

It is time for you to think for yourself because we tell you things and you ignore us.

I await the next installment of your life soap opera....  ::eatingpopcorn: ::eatingpopcorn: ::eatingpopcorn: ::eatingpopcorn: ::eatingpopcorn: ::eatingpopcorn: ::eatingpopcorn: ::eatingpopcorn: ::eatingpopcorn: ::eatingpopcorn:


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Re: He almost left me STRANDED!
« Reply #5 on: Thu Sep 24, 2015 - 14:03:45 »

Offline chosenone

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Re: He almost left me STRANDED!
« Reply #6 on: Thu Sep 24, 2015 - 14:23:13 »
How many more times will you come here with another new name and be told to leave this awful, controlling, manipulative, paranoid, immoral and evil man and do nothing? You have been told what will happen over and over, and you ignore it time and time again. YOu know what you need to do so go and do it. Leave him today or your whole life will be miserable and desperately unhappy.  Leave him and leave the area and cut off all communication before you get further into his spiders web.
 YOU ARE WARNED YET AGAIN.   ::frown:: ::eek::  If you marry him your life will get even worse.
« Last Edit: Thu Sep 24, 2015 - 14:27:28 by chosenone »

Online DaveW

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Re: He almost left me STRANDED!
« Reply #7 on: Wed Sep 30, 2015 - 08:43:50 »
howdoitknow2, this is the same story you pedaled over at Christianforums.com in the marriage folder there. 

You got the same advice here and there: get out of that relationship YESTERDAY if not sooner.

Offline Mere Nick

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Re: He almost left me STRANDED!
« Reply #8 on: Wed Sep 30, 2015 - 09:39:30 »
Do you have a thing for jerks, or what? 

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Re: He almost left me STRANDED!
« Reply #8 on: Wed Sep 30, 2015 - 09:39:30 »

Online DaveW

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Re: He almost left me STRANDED!
« Reply #9 on: Wed Sep 30, 2015 - 09:58:48 »
How many more times will you come here with another new name and be told to leave this awful, controlling, manipulative, paranoid, immoral and evil man and do nothing? You have been told what will happen over and over, and you ignore it time and time again. YOu know what you need to do so go and do it. Leave him today or your whole life will be miserable and desperately unhappy.  Leave him and leave the area and cut off all communication before you get further into his spiders web.
 YOU ARE WARNED YET AGAIN.   ::frown:: ::eek::  If you marry him your life will get even worse.

Chosen - I hope you do not mind but I quoted this post over at Chrisianforums to the same person in a thread with the same title.

Offline chosenone

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Re: He almost left me STRANDED!
« Reply #10 on: Wed Sep 30, 2015 - 10:43:34 »
How many more times will you come here with another new name and be told to leave this awful, controlling, manipulative, paranoid, immoral and evil man and do nothing? You have been told what will happen over and over, and you ignore it time and time again. YOu know what you need to do so go and do it. Leave him today or your whole life will be miserable and desperately unhappy.  Leave him and leave the area and cut off all communication before you get further into his spiders web.
 YOU ARE WARNED YET AGAIN.   ::frown:: ::eek::  If you marry him your life will get even worse.

Chosen - I hope you do not mind but I quoted this post over at Chrisianforums to the same person in a thread with the same title.

no problem ::smile::

Offline MeMyself

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Re: He almost left me STRANDED!
« Reply #11 on: Wed Sep 30, 2015 - 11:01:22 »
Do you have a thing for jerks, or what?

or they do...

this poster reminds me of a gal someone close to me tried to date.  No matter how he doted on her, she was unhappy, and ALWAYS the victim of him...even though *she* pushed and poked and provoked him.

When he would finally blow, she would get a smug look on her face and then bash him to their entire community and anyone who would listen to her tales of whoa.

 ::frown::

He ended up feeling like the one that was crazy and had to go to counseling after dealing with her and all her drama. 

PS. Every man who came before him was a complete monster too.  He thought she was the poor victim to all these terrible men, but that he would be able to save her and protect her...and when she got bored, she made him into a monster too.

mommydi

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Re: He almost left me STRANDED!
« Reply #12 on: Wed Sep 30, 2015 - 11:15:07 »
Do you have a thing for jerks, or what?

or they do...

this poster reminds me of a gal someone close to me tried to date.  No matter how he doted on her, she was unhappy, and ALWAYS the victim of him...even though *she* pushed and poked and provoked him.

When he would finally blow, she would get a smug look on her face and then bash him to their entire community and anyone who would listen to her tales of whoa.

 ::frown::

He ended up feeling like the one that was crazy and had to go to counseling after dealing with her and all her drama. 

PS. Every man who came before him was a complete monster too.  He thought she was the poor victim to all these terrible men, but that he would be able to save her and protect her...and when she got bored, she made him into a monster too.
Yep, it can go both ways, for sure. Sometimes, it can be very confusing to sort out. An expert narcissist (either male or female) can fool the outside world and also have the victim doubting his/her sanity to the point of believing he/she is the perpetrator.

LexKnight

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Re: He almost left me STRANDED!
« Reply #13 on: Wed Sep 30, 2015 - 11:20:14 »
I said this before. If someone doesn't want to receive words of advice, they simply won't. There are people who simply want to rant or have people pity them than actually overcome. This seems like one of them, we'll be wasting the energies in our fingers replying.

mommydi

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Re: He almost left me STRANDED!
« Reply #14 on: Wed Sep 30, 2015 - 11:39:58 »
This conversation reminds me of the old movie, Gaslight. To the outside world, the husband was a decent, loving, and compassionate man, and his wife was the emotionally unstable partner. But, behind closed doors, he was a hideous mind-game player with his wife, that drove her to the brink of insanity. She started believing she was insane, but in fact, it was her husband who was the psychopath.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslight_%281944_film%29

Offline MeMyself

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Re: He almost left me STRANDED!
« Reply #15 on: Wed Sep 30, 2015 - 11:41:15 »
This conversation reminds me of the old movie, Gaslight. To the outside world, the husband was a decent, loving, and compassionate man, and his wife was the emotionally unstable partner. But, behind closed doors, he was a hideous mind-game player with his wife, that drove her to the brink of insanity. She started believing she was insane, but in fact, it was her husband who was the psychopath.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslight_%281944_film%29

 ::nodding::

Gas-lighting is insidious!

mommydi

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Re: He almost left me STRANDED!
« Reply #16 on: Wed Sep 30, 2015 - 11:44:35 »
This conversation reminds me of the old movie, Gaslight. To the outside world, the husband was a decent, loving, and compassionate man, and his wife was the emotionally unstable partner. But, behind closed doors, he was a hideous mind-game player with his wife, that drove her to the brink of insanity. She started believing she was insane, but in fact, it was her husband who was the psychopath.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslight_%281944_film%29

 ::nodding::

Gas-lighting is insidious!

Oh yes! It's one of the most hideous forms of mental/emotional abuse.

Offline minime5555

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Re: He almost left me STRANDED!
« Reply #17 on: Mon Nov 09, 2015 - 09:56:31 »
I just wanted to post an update and hope that I can continue to get support here -- as I'm trying to stay gone from my ex.

I left him on Friday and while I was driving out I logged into the bank account and transfered as much money as I could into my own bank account.  It was about 25k short of what I should get -- but I just wanted survival money.  He immediately called his banker -- pulled a favor -- told the guy I was a thief (he's met me!) and had the transfer stopped.  Then he called me and told me he was going to press charges against me for embezzlement.  (HOW??) Anyway, he called an attorney and said he was going to sue me, too because apparently he had bills to be drafted out of the account that day and I somehow screwed up the process by transferring the money.

So he put 1k in a joint account and told me that's all I get.  THEN -- he demanded I come home and straighten everything out and apologize. I said no -- I kept driving. He kept texting and begging. I said no.  My only problem was that I never cut off all lines of communication. I was an idiot by engaging with him.  He said that if I didn't come home by 6pm that he was getting on a plane and he would never talk to me ever again and this was my only chance to get back with him.  I didn't go.  So he drove to me -- and said he wanted to work things out -- but he didn't think he could trust me anymore.  He demanded to see all my bank accounts to verify I had no money. He said that was the only way this would work -- is if I show him everything including my credit report.

He also wanted all my bank statements for the past 4 months.  I said no -- and I have stayed strong. I didn't go back with him and I'm staying with a girlfriend until I get everything figured out. I'm going to have to dip into my retirement to make it --

Also, I don't think he knows this yet, but he had threatened to "ruin me".  He had sold my iphone -- got a second phone from his work and told his employer it was just his "work phone" using MY phone number.  He said that way his employer could pay our phone bills and it wasn't a big deal.  Well, during this fight friday I realized he could cut off my phone and he had told me he was going to request all my phone numbers and texts and see who he could contact.  I saw an email where he had inquired with his employer about doing that.  So, I called his employer on Friday and told them I was unaware that MY work phone and personal line was actually being paid by them and I wanted my number back AND I wanted to pay my own bill.  They seemed alarmed and transferred it right away. Do you think he will in trouble for that? I know they told me they will be billing HIM for the time that this has been happening....

I feel bad doing that -- but I had to get my number and phone back.  Anyway, I have finally pulled the band-aid.  I just need the strength to stay strong..