HELP! Husband mentally ill/verbally and mentally abusive

[BAH-BLAH]

I would not ask one to stay married in abuse...I said that.

Im just talking about how pretty much everything is abuse now days

[FoC]

I would not ask one to stay married in abuse...I said that.

And if you had read my post youd have seen that I acknowledged that fact 

Im just talking about how pretty much everything is abuse now days

And again, if you had READ my post, you'd have been able to tell that I also acknowledged this detail and responded to it 

Maybe reading someones posts might help with the confusion

[zeph317]

Dear Lori,
 
I accidentally happened across your post and had to respond (had to join the forum first to do so).  I hope you get this.
 
First, I am so, so very sorry for what you are going through.  In certain ways I can relate very much to your situation, as I have faced similar problems with my husband in my marriage.  I am a conservative Christian, and understand and share your convictions about marriage vs. the dilemma you are facing.
 
However, by continuing on in your current circumstances, nothing is getting better.  Your husband isn't getting help, things are just getting worse and worse and your precious son is being exposed to confusing and sinful behavior.  If you are truly committed to your husband and your marriage, then you need to show your husband tough love.  If you haven't already, I would strongly recommend you read James Dobson's book "Tough Love" (but don't show the book to your husband). 
 
It is true that God hates divorce, and you don't have Biblical grounds for divorce.  But you also have responsibility to protect your son.  And you have responsibility to confront your husband (see Matt 18:15-17).  And there is a way you can do all of this, without divorce.
 
I would suggest you confront your husband, tell him you love him, but how deeply concerned you are about his destructive behaviour, and also how it is impacting your son.  Then tell him he needs help; he needs medicine and counselling.  And until he does so,  you cannot in good conscience continue to allow him to treat you in a sinful way or to let your son see this.  So, you have decided to separate from him.  You are not talking divorce, but you will not live with him until he has gotten treatment.  The choice is his.  If he wants to continue as he is, you will live separately where your son can grow up in peace and stability.  But you love him and your prayer is that he will get the help he needs, and that you can eventually become a family again.
 
 [You might want to put all this into a letter rather than trying to say it, especially if your husband might get angry].  [And you will have to have a plan about what you will do after the letter.  If you asked your husband to leave would he?  Or, do you need to plan to leave?  Do you have friends you could stay with temporarily until you have found a new place etc...?]
 
Note: if your husband has friends and relatives who truly love him and care for him, you might consider arranging a group intervention where all of you meet with him as a group, with each person expressing his/her love but deep concern for him.  You can give examples of how his behavior is hurting himself and hurting you etc.  You can then say that you will not continue to stay on this path.  You will let him know you are separating, but only with the hope and goal that he will get help and get his life back in order and that your family will be reconciled.  But, until that happens, you will no longer live with him.
 
You might seek a counsellor or pastor to help think through your plans if you decide to proceed with something like this.  But you need to have plans for your safety and where you will go, and concrete plans about what you are asking of your husband, and prayer throughout for wisdom and that the Holy Spirit would be present and would bring about transformation.  It may be a very scary thing to contemplate (especially when you think about how to provide for yourself), but you are doing it for the sake of both your husband and your son.  And, God is very near and will be watching over you every step.

Anyhow, those are my thoughts and I pray for God's hand and blessings and protection for you and your family.  (Read Zephaniah 3:17, if your aren't already familiar with this.  Another great verse is Psalm 34:5).

---------------
Once again:  if your husband has mental health problems and is not taking his medication, he may not be capable of making decisions or changes that he needs to take.  Your tough love can be what it takes to get him to get stable.  It is possible he will get so mad that he might decide to divorce you.   But if he does, he would have probably done so anyhow, but only after a few more years of steadily escalating chaos and abuse.  Confronting him now makes him take the decision now.  It will almost certainly only get worse if you do nothing.