Author Topic: Help from women please (sexual)  (Read 693 times)

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Offline PrayingMantis

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Help from women please (sexual)
« on: Fri Oct 12, 2018 - 08:24:24 »
I'm an unmarried born-again guy in my 30's. My question is about how much to share with a future spouse about past sexual sins and how women see it.

I'm a virgin and not sinned in person with anyone. However, I used pornography a lot. Mostly it was BDSM (Bondage, Domination, Sadism and Masochism), specifically female domination and involved fantasies, accounts and footage of men being controlled, beaten, humiliated and degraded. From about the age of 7, I had submissive fantasies and this eventually led to online BDSM porn and webcamming. I had one occasion of webcamming with a girl where we both masturbated.

I was healed by God almost a year ago. In the time I have not masturbated at all (thought I still give it ashake and hope that will stop) and have not used any porn, apart from a 5 day relapse in June. God is taking layers away each time and I hope to stop thinking about sex and sleeping with specific women and lust in general.

I had online counselling about this.

I worry about how much to share and how this will be seen. In my mind, it is similar to being gay as people say once you are into kink, you cannot change. That it is wired into you. However, they are not believers and God can change anyone. I also believe that faith in God will not make this an issue and he will guide me. After all we all have sinned sexually (I can't imagine that no one has).

However, I am curious to hear opinions about this please. Thank you.

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Help from women please (sexual)
« on: Fri Oct 12, 2018 - 08:24:24 »

Offline chosenone

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Re: Help from women please (sexual)
« Reply #1 on: Fri Oct 12, 2018 - 09:36:11 »
I am a great believer in honesty. Porn use for example is rife now, and I do think that you would need to tell her that you used porn for many years but that God is dealing with it and restoring you. If she asks more then yes tell her more detail, IE what types of porn, and also I do think you need to tell her what you did with that lady.  At least then she will be able to pray and make her decisions based on truth and honesty as to whether she wants to be with you or not. Of course she would need to be the same with you about any sexual past she has had.

Just wondered, being that you had these extreme fantasies from such a very early age, were you ever abused?   

Offline PrayingMantis

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Re: Help from women please (sexual)
« Reply #2 on: Fri Oct 12, 2018 - 09:52:54 »
Thanks for the helpful message.

I do not think/remember being abused.  I sought Christian counselling about this, after God broke the addiction but while I still had urges.  She identified some potential traumatic incidents that may have caused me to be aroused by being humiliated.  I've prayed through them and am generally ok.  I have a book on sexual addictions and am learning that these urges come when pressures and sadness arise.

I would be grateful to learn more about how others see this things.  Since I've been in to it since the age of 7, it is my norm and I have a distorted view.  Others appear shocked and scared. 

I also notice that I sympathise with Christians who struggle with homosexual urges and even those addicted to child obscene images (not that I condone it or find it acceptable) as these struggles could had been me given that I did not  choose mine.  I know it is a rare outlook, so I must be quite different to others.

What women feel about all of my past if they were dating someone similar?
« Last Edit: Fri Oct 12, 2018 - 09:56:04 by PrayingMantis »

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Re: Help from women please (sexual)
« Reply #2 on: Fri Oct 12, 2018 - 09:52:54 »

Offline chosenone

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Re: Help from women please (sexual)
« Reply #3 on: Fri Oct 12, 2018 - 11:08:04 »
Thanks for the helpful message.

I do not think/remember being abused.  I sought Christian counselling about this, after God broke the addiction but while I still had urges.  She identified some potential traumatic incidents that may have caused me to be aroused by being humiliated.  I've prayed through them and am generally ok.  I have a book on sexual addictions and am learning that these urges come when pressures and sadness arise.

I would be grateful to learn more about how others see this things.  Since I've been in to it since the age of 7, it is my norm and I have a distorted view.  Others appear shocked and scared. 

I also notice that I sympathise with Christians who struggle with homosexual urges and even those addicted to child obscene images (not that I condone it or find it acceptable) as these struggles could had been me given that I did not  choose mine.  I know it is a rare outlook, so I must be quite different to others.

What women feel about all of my past if they were dating someone similar?
   

Its likely that some things did happen as 7 is so young to have such distorted sexual urges.

All I can say is that if she is she right lady for you, she will understand and realise that God is working and restoring you. 

I know a marriage that ended largely because he lied about porn use. He said he hadn't looked at porn for about 10 years and only then briefly as a teenager. He lied and she found out and the trust was gone after that. He married her under false pretences. I don't think there should be such secrets in marriage.

Trust God to bring the right lady at the right time.

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Re: Help from women please (sexual)
« Reply #3 on: Fri Oct 12, 2018 - 11:08:04 »

Offline PrayingMantis

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Re: Help from women please (sexual)
« Reply #4 on: Fri Oct 12, 2018 - 11:53:12 »
What was the truth about his porn use?  How did it come out?  Did he use it while being married?

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Re: Help from women please (sexual)
« Reply #4 on: Fri Oct 12, 2018 - 11:53:12 »



Offline chosenone

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Re: Help from women please (sexual)
« Reply #5 on: Fri Oct 12, 2018 - 14:27:52 »
What was the truth about his porn use?  How did it come out?  Did he use it while being married?
 

She found out shortly after they married. She had asked to use his lap top as hers wasn't working and she saw it on his search history.
So he didn't give her the chance of making an informed decision as to whether to marry him based on the truth, but on lies.
« Last Edit: Fri Oct 12, 2018 - 15:12:05 by chosenone »

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Re: Help from women please (sexual)
« Reply #5 on: Fri Oct 12, 2018 - 14:27:52 »