In may I wrote about my husband that was abusive and I asked if he was ever going to change...well he did get some counseling and he still is...he ended up leaving for 4 days after a pastor/ counselor recommended for us to separate until I and the kids felt safe and peace around him. I will be honest from june and august I was talking to another man from a past relationship when I was a teenager we didnt have an affair, we seen each other 4 times and mostly talked and we did kiss once, upon the first time... I am very ashamed and know it was very wrong of me..no matter what my husband did I had no right to sin against God, nothing has been kept secret from my husband, he knows everything I have done, I have repented and I have ended that in the end of august, and I have been trying to do what is right and not what may feel good to me, when I let my husband come back he was doing really well and showing signs of great improvement and admittance of his issues, so I felt safe for him to come home, well things stayed good for about a week or two but he became very dependent with me..wanting all my attention and wanting to be with me all the time and it started to change into jealously again and wondering if I am talking to another man If I didnt respond to him the way he felt I should have, I kept telling him I just need time to trust him, and that it was going to take a long time for me to completely be able to trust him with my feelings but it wasnt enough...he was doing well with the controlling the kids and things around the house but still had a major issue with me. He would text and call me alot and if i didnt answer the phone or write back soon enough he would get insecure and think i didnt want to talk to him or that i am cheating on him.
I went to his counseling appt last time with him and I saw that he wasnt telling his counselor in detail the problems that are still occurring that are causing us to argue and not get along the way we were when he first came back, ex; jealousy and insecurity of knowing what I am doing, and not believing me that I want to be with him and no one else, well I brought it up when I was there and we talked about it and she tried to help him to make the right choices and not to believe everything that he is conspiring in his mind, he was so stressed because he was believing his own irrational thoughts even though there was no reason for him to think the things he was thinking.
He decided to quit rubbing snuff and then everything went haywire, he was 50 times worse with me cranky very negative about everything and i couldnt do anything right at all, he wanted me to be with him constantly, it was so horrible and emotinally draining for me and the kids (8 of them) were seeing his stress levels and I expected him to be a bit grumpy but he was very out of line the whole weekend, it made our visit to my moms that weekend horrible and I told him before we left that I really want to have a good weekend and i stressed that and he promised me we would...well it was just miserable and ruined, my mom even had to stop his behaviour at 12 in the morning, he wouldnt let me sleep he kept wanting me to talk to him and solve our problems, when my mom confronted him he started to blame her for why I dont give him affection ( which i do ) and making her feel bad and shifting everything away from himself...and he was saying how I am not striving towards our relationship, finally he went to bed and he let me go to bed and I heard my mom cry all night because of what he said, of course he was sorry and blamed himself the next day .....so to go forward in this story, he was very apologetic that evening we went home and promised not to act like that any more..well he was good for a day then the day after that he came home and we planned on listening to a bible study and he ended up falling asleep well I didnt wake him cause i knew he was tired to I turned it off after 25 min and started researching other things on my browser on my phone and he woke up after 10 min and started accusing me of sneaking around and called me a sneak and was ranting and raving towards me and I tried to explain it to him but he didnt hear it, i layed down under the blankets and he ripped it off and said we are gonna talk and then I got my blanket and layed back down and then he ripped it off again and said no, we are gonna talk..once again i got my blanket and layed down then after a bit he settled down and he was apologetic and sorry and asked me if I will forgive him, at this point i was very frazzled and he had scared me alot by his behavior so said yes..Jesus forgave me from everything I have done...even though I was so upset with him I just wanted the night to end....well we went to sleep and then the next morning he noticed I wasnt cuddled up to him the way he wanted and he was upset about that and was ranting again he had to go to work so he had to leave and he tried to apologize and smooth things over before he left...well I had it at this point, besides the physical abuse and name calling he seemed to be the same place as he was before, and so I called the pastor/counselor to see what I can do cause I was so dissapointed to see him doing this to me...its harder for me than him physically hurting me..it makes me so emotionaly crazy and stressful to watch every move I make and say and I was so walking on egg shells and I couldnt take it any more, and the pastor/counselor told me he has been waiting for this phone call for a month he knew that this was going to happen, so he talked to my husband about it and told him he needs to stop doing what he is doing, well to move forward to now...I am very hesitant to trust him anymore and believe what he is saying now that he is going to really change and He loves me so on and so on ....it sounds like a broken record to me, he seems sincere now but when his emotions get to him it seems to all go out the door and its all my fault and he blames me and how I cheated and so now he is wondering why I am so distant and dont want to really touch him or kiss him...I am trying to pretend to like it but I hate it! and I dont know how to forgive him or trust him anymore...he makes me sick at times, and I feel really bad that I feel that way, look how many times Jesus forgave me, and he can see that I am not wanting to really be close to him, I have been doing everything I should be doing...I am not running to sin this time, and I dont know how to trust him and how to believe him or help him...he tells me he wants me to help him get better..well thats nice for a while until he gets sick of hearing me say negative things to him then he starts getting upset and says "dont I don anything right to you?"...and when I try to give him advice on his behavior he doesnt want to hear it...he only wants me to help him now when he feels our relationship it threatened then when he feel a bit secure he doesnt want to hear it.
His latest thing now is that he sais he wants to have a family meeting and have a life changing talk and a commitment to his family as a unit he said he has been doing alot of thinking and praying and searching and he said he has alot of things he wants to do that will be carried out now and through the course of our relationship and covenants in a number of areas he sais its a time to act and its vital for all his family and for us......
Thats nice and all but the kids have had these talks before with us and booom we come right back to the same situation..and they get let down and disappointments, how many of these commitments have to take place till it works ya know? we watched courageous this past weekend too and so I think thats where his thoughts are and I know that he WANTS it but can he really DO IT?, I said I want to think about it cause I dont want to do this again and have the kids learn not to trust anymore than have now..I dont want them hurt.
So here are my questions....
Should I trust him and keep giving him the chance of this new commitment meeting?
How do I love and trust him?
I have lost ALOT of respect for him this time and I dont know what to do :(