How can I trust him again with his promises of change?

[lilelf320]

In may I wrote about my husband that was abusive and I asked if he was ever going to change...well he did get some counseling and he still is...he ended up leaving for 4 days after a  pastor/ counselor recommended for us to separate until I and the kids felt safe and peace around him. I will be honest from june and august I was talking to another man from a past relationship when I was a teenager we didnt have an affair, we seen each other 4 times and mostly talked and we did kiss once, upon the first time... I am very ashamed and know it was very wrong of me..no matter what my husband did I had no right to sin against God, nothing has been kept secret from my husband, he knows everything I have done, I have repented and I have ended that in the end of august, and I have been trying to do what is right and not what may feel good to me, when I let my husband come back he was doing really well and showing signs of great improvement and admittance of his issues, so I felt safe for him to come home, well things stayed good for about a week or two but he became very dependent with me..wanting all my attention and wanting to be with me all the time and it started to change into jealously again and wondering if I am talking to another man If I didnt respond to him the way he felt I should have, I kept telling him I just need time to trust him, and that it was going to take a long time for me to completely be able to trust him with my feelings but it wasnt enough...he was doing well with the controlling the kids and things around the house but still had a major issue with me. He would text and call me alot and if i didnt answer the phone or write back soon enough he would get insecure and think i didnt want to talk to him or that i am cheating on him.

I went to his counseling appt last time with him and I saw that he wasnt telling his counselor in detail the problems that are still occurring that are causing us to argue and not get along the way we were when he first came back, ex; jealousy and insecurity of knowing what I am doing, and not believing me that I want to be with him and no one else, well I brought it up when I was there and we talked about it and she tried to help him to make the right choices and not to believe everything that he is conspiring in his mind, he was so stressed because he was believing his own irrational thoughts even though there was no reason for him to think the things he was thinking.

He decided to quit rubbing snuff and then everything went haywire, he was 50 times worse with me cranky very negative about everything and i couldnt do anything right at all, he wanted me to be with him constantly, it was so horrible and emotinally draining for me and the kids (8 of them) were seeing his stress levels and I expected him to be a bit grumpy but he was very out of line the whole weekend, it made our visit to my moms that weekend horrible and I told him before we left that I really want to have a good weekend and i stressed that and he promised me we would...well it was just miserable and ruined, my mom even had to stop his behaviour at 12 in the morning, he wouldnt let me sleep he kept wanting me to talk to him and solve our problems, when my mom confronted him he started to blame her for why I dont give him affection ( which i do ) and making her feel bad and shifting everything away from himself...and he was saying how I am not striving towards our relationship, finally he went to bed and he let me go to bed and I heard my mom cry all night because of what he said, of course he was sorry and blamed himself the next day .....so to go forward in this story, he was very apologetic that evening we went home and promised not to act like that any more..well he was good for a day then the day after that he came home and we planned on listening to a bible study and he ended up falling asleep well I didnt wake him cause i knew he was tired to I turned it off  after 25 min and started researching other things on my browser on my phone and he woke up after 10 min and started accusing me of sneaking around and called me a sneak and was ranting and raving towards me and I tried to explain it to him but he didnt hear it, i layed down under the blankets and he ripped it off and said we are gonna talk and then I got my blanket and layed back down and then he ripped it off again and said no, we are gonna talk..once again i got my blanket and layed down then after a bit he settled down and he was apologetic and sorry and asked me if I will forgive him, at this point  i was very frazzled and he had scared me alot by his behavior so said yes..Jesus forgave me from everything I have done...even though I was so upset with him I just wanted the night to end....well we went to sleep and then the next morning he noticed I wasnt cuddled up to him the way he wanted and he was upset about that and was ranting again he had to go to work so he had to leave and he tried to apologize and smooth things over before he left...well I had it at this point, besides the physical abuse and name calling he seemed to be the same place as he was before, and so I called the pastor/counselor to see what I can do cause I was so dissapointed to see him doing this to me...its harder for me than him physically hurting me..it makes me so emotionaly crazy and stressful to watch every move I make and say and I was so walking on egg shells and I couldnt take it any more, and the pastor/counselor told me he has been waiting for this phone call for a month he knew that this was going to happen, so he talked to my husband about it and told him he needs to stop doing what he is doing, well to move forward to now...I am very hesitant to trust him anymore and believe what he is saying now that he is going to really change and He loves me so on and so on ....it sounds like a broken record to me, he seems sincere now but when his emotions get to him it seems to all go out the door and its all my fault and he blames me and how I cheated and so now he is wondering why I am so distant and dont want to really touch him or kiss him...I am trying to pretend to like it but I hate it! and I dont know how to forgive him or trust him anymore...he makes me sick at times, and I feel really bad that I feel that way, look how many times Jesus forgave me, and he can see that I am not wanting to really be close to him, I have been doing everything I should be doing...I am not running to sin this time, and I dont know how to trust him and how to believe him or help him...he tells me he wants me to help him get better..well thats nice for a while until he gets sick of hearing me say negative things to him then he starts getting upset and says "dont I don anything right to you?"...and when I try to give him advice on his behavior  he doesnt want to hear it...he only wants me to help him now when he feels our relationship it threatened then when he feel a bit secure he doesnt want to hear it.

His latest thing now is that he sais he wants to have a family meeting and have a life changing talk and a commitment to his family as a unit he said he has been doing alot of thinking and praying and searching and he said he has alot of things he wants to do that will be carried out now and through the course of our relationship and covenants in a number of areas he sais its a time to act and its vital for all his family and for us......

Thats nice and all but the kids have had these talks before with us and booom we come right back to the same situation..and they get let down and disappointments, how many of these commitments have to take place till it works ya know?  we watched courageous this past weekend too and so I think thats where his thoughts are and I know that he WANTS it but can he really DO IT?,  I said I want to think about it cause I dont want to do this again and have the kids learn not to trust anymore than have now..I dont want them hurt.

So here are my questions....

Should I trust him and keep giving him the chance of this new commitment meeting?
How do I love and trust him?


I have lost ALOT of respect for him this time and I dont know what to do :(

[anx]

The good thing is that his heart is wanting to fix this. However, right now he doesn't know how to deal with a marriage. It sounds like he is overwhelmed by his negative emotions whether irrational or from legitimate hurt, and makes stupid decisions. Only he can fix that, and he can fix it. It will take time however. He is improved, but not where he needs to be yet. It doesn't sound like he does any of this from malice and anger, the irrational though and insecurity is just overwhelming and only doing harm.

First, you guys need to slow things down somehow. I think you should try the family meetings. He is trying to find something that works, which is great. However, the family meetings themselves are going to fix things.  Along with those need to come a big change in him. It can happen and he is committed.

You are right to not be fully trusting, but it can happen and he wants it to. It is going to take me time. I know you are burned out and hurt.

http://www.gty.org/resources/sermons/1946/Gods-Pattern-for-Husbands-Part-1
http://www.gty.org/resources/sermons/1947/Gods-Pattern-for-Husbands-Part-2

I would suggest you have him listen to the two sermons above, the book "every man's marriage", and the book "sacred marriage".

Those three things challenged me to become who I needed to be. I would agree to carry on and have the meetings if he can do those things. Beyond that he needs more help and practice handling his marriage in a healthy way, which he isn't good at now. It will take serious commitment, should searching, and work for him to become the Godly husband he can become. He can do it. It's seem like he wants to and hasn't figured it out yet.

The respect will come back when he becomes a Godly man and serving and not controlling husband. The love will do the same. It's not possible to love and respect who your husband is right now. Keep hope, wait patiently although it's difficult , manage the issues, and keep progressing.

I might suggest you also read sacred marriage and "every woman's marriage"

Lastly, you cannot kiss his if it's a lie and you hate it secretly. This needs to stop. Talk to him about this if you need to.

Blessings and prayers

[anx]

I dealt with panic attacks and depression when I was growing up that was largely due to irrational thoughts and unhealthy dealing with issues in my life. It took me months of work to get past it.

Once married, fixing any issue is harder because of all the marriage issues that prop up because of it.

Your husband can get better. If he is a solid Christian and right with God, the holy spirit will direct him to a better path. However, serious change takes times. It sounds like he has made big improvements in the last year. In another, he could be a Godly husband. He wants to be.

[TJW]

and the pastor/counselor told me he has been waiting for this phone call for a month he knew that this was going to happen

Yes, and so did we.

And, it will again.  And again, and again, and again, UNTIL there is REAL COMMITMENT AND WORK on his part to solve his problem.  As it stands now, his commitment is at best, half-hearted.  He wants a "cheap buy-out", with no heavy lifting.

Anx is correct, in a year, he could be a different man, if his commitment to change was genuine (which it's not) and he was getting regular professional therapy from someone who has clinical background and experience with abusers.

My prediction is that you will stay, and he will bash your skull.  I wish, truly wish, I could be encouraging, but what I know about abuse tells me otherwise.  Any woman who came to me and described a situation like yours, I would tell "get out".  And STAY out.  At least, a year or two, in which he has had real therapy on a continuous basis.

[lilelf320]

Your Thanks both of you, I really love john macarther, I trust his sermons....your both right, he does want to change but his emotions and thought almost always over powers what he needs to do when situations arise, we have good days and then we have days that are horrible, weekends are not usually very good cause that's when we spend the most time together....we both have anxiety problems..he gets full blown panic attacks and I have general anxiety..any time I know he is coming home or may be upset I don't feel well at all and I Don't even realize its going to happen cause I am not consciencley  thinking about it, hi mere presence or knowing he is arriving makes me sick with anxiety and I don't know how to feel better that way because when I get to a place where I am comfortable he starts getting bad again and I regress again..it seems like Its never going to get better. He seems like he is always looking for that magic thing that is going to change him right now and his heart is in the right place but he gets tired quickly and when I am not doing things he expects me to do in our relationship that has suffered because of his behaviour he losing heart and gives up trying, thank you for your help they are much appreciated.

[HRoberson]

Well.

Your husband does have a reason to not trust you. You were seeing some other guy and kissing him. You may know the details, but your husband doesn't. Since his problem apparently expresses itself in a need for validation and acceptance, your dalliance didn't help any.

Every story has two sides. While it may be that your husband could use some counseling, it is also true that you need counseling - and probably even the kids.

Unless the pastor/counselor is actually licensed by the state, I wouldn't use them. Find a state-licensed marriage counselor who is also graduate trained in some Christian discipline (ministry/divinity/etc).

People live in systems and his system (you, the kids, work, extended family) doesn't seem to be working for him. Fixing him in isolation is probably a waste of everyone's time.

Nobody changes overnight, and all humans screw up from time to time - usually in the same areas that they have screwed up before. It's nice to say we want him to change "for good," but it ain't gonna happen with a couple months separation (during which you were seeing some other guy), a wish, and a prayer.

You have work to do.

[lilelf320]

Well back to square one again...its been awful lately and every weekend is a disaster.. and each time he loses his temper more and more and the anger is escalating, I am going to the dr on fri for anxiety because I cannot function very well anymore, this weekend was horrible  and sunday really showed me he isnt changing, during church was miserable with him he said some very colorful words on the way home and drove like an idiot because I wouldnt talk to him, I cant talk to him when he is so angry, and worst of all our 5 yr old daughter got to witness it all, he has been very controlling and impossible to please and I have had just enough of this nonesense. He  complains on how no body helps him but yet when he gets very good solid advice from his counselor and me and others around him he doesnt put it into action, he pushes people away that are tough on him and embraces those who sugar coat things, I am writing to you guys because I called the one pastor/counselor that he doesnt want to see any more because he said if he doesnt straighten up that he is going to lose me, and he said that its time for me to get out of the fire and this needs to stop, so he advised me to have him leave until he gets better, I am so scared and dont know what to do because there is so much involved as in any time this situation occurs, 2 of his children would have to change schools if he leaves and he would have to live with his mom again like the last time and he has no winter tires to get to work and the younger kids just wont understand..its going to effect me financially of course, I only had one job in my life because I never was aloud to work, I am so scared to death, I dont want to hurt him but yet I cannot live like this any more its really driving me crazy ..since the epidode this weekend he has of course entered the honeymoon phase and is being so nice and loving and reading the love dare book AGAIN, he did it the last time I left...I CANNOT trust him to change I just cant do it anymore, but again to change my whole world as I know it is so very scarey and I dont know if I can do it, its so hard for me and I only have a few ppl I talk to because I dont have many friends because of him and I can only do that secretly, I really really need some prayer please I am scared of his reaction if I do have him leave, I am scared on how I am going to make it, just everything, I am just so sad because I have been doing everything in my power to make this work but no matter what I do he still goes back to the same thing and the cycle continues...april

[anx]

He does need to seriously consider his actions, and a separation would allow for that. Its good he is back into books, but the love dare is much about working to get your spouse to love you not critically analyze your own actions.

Unfortunately, you there isn't really a good option for you. Separation or staying together when you are this hurt/anxious and he is so angry are both pretty bad options to be stuck with.

I think you need to make it VERY CLEAR to him

that he doesnt want to see any more because he said if he doesnt straighten up that he is going to lose me, and he said that its time for me to get out of the fire and this needs to stop

Being in a separation myself and hating it, I have a hard time suggesting it.

However, you are BOTH totally overwhelmed. He can't deal with his anger and the relationship and you now have too much anxiety about it that its not going to lead to anything healthy.