Author Topic: How do I overcome an old betrayal?  (Read 2434 times)

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Offline HappilyMarried

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How do I overcome an old betrayal?
« on: Tue Feb 09, 2016 - 21:41:09 »
OK some backstory... I have been married to my husband for 25 years.  We dated when I was a senior in HS.  I broke up with him after I left for college and broke his heart.  Two years later, we got back together and got married. 

After my third child was born, (about 8 years into our marriage) I suffered from postpartum depression.  My married suffered greatly.  Our sex life was nearly non existent.  Fast forward about 6-7 years.  My husband confessed to me that he was unfaithful.  It was more of an emotional affair, although he kissed her a few times (she was also married).  This happened during the "dry spell" of our marriage.  When he confessed, our marriage was in a great place, which made it easy to continue to love him and forgive him. Or so I thought.

We are now married 25 years and we couldn't be more in love.  My heart physically hurts when we are not together.  Today, the subject of the affair came up in conversation.  I said something like, "I can't believe you forgave me and took me back after I broke your heart".  He replied that he couldn't believe I forgave him for the affair. 

Now, here's the problem.  My heart is actually feeling like its breaking today.  I can't get the image of him touching her out of my mind.  Him kissing her lips.  Holding her hand... All of a sudden, I am hurting.  The affair happened 17 years ago!  And I've known about it for probably 8 years.  Why all of a sudden am I hurting so much?  Have I not truly forgiven him?  If not, how do I?  I don't want him to know how hurt I was today because it's not fair to him to dredge it all back up... What can I do to get it out of my head?  I feel like I'm over-reacting, but I can't stop how I feel, can I?

LexKnight

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Re: How do I overcome an old betrayal?
« Reply #1 on: Tue Feb 09, 2016 - 21:46:36 »
I must say, commendable. If I was the husband in that situation and my wife was going through what you are now, I would want her to tell me. If anything else, I would be able to assure her that I have no interest in anyone else but her.

With that said, seems like a typical whisper from the enemy honestly, a little provocation. Praying for the Lord's help in forgiveness would definitely go a long way, because your words clearly demonstrate a willingness to love and be faithful to him. And just try your best to resist the whispers.

Offline HappilyMarried

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Re: How do I overcome an old betrayal?
« Reply #2 on: Tue Feb 09, 2016 - 22:05:39 »
Thank you... I was so consumed with the images and my heart hurting, I didn't look at what seems like the obvious... That the enemy would love nothing more than to drive a wedge between us and our love. 

We are so very happy now.  More in love than we ever have been... And all of a sudden BAM this old hurt crept in.  I know he would NEVER betray our love like that again.  Not sure I'm ready to tell him what's going on... I don't want to hurt him.  I feel like it would break his heart to know it still hurt, and he would worry that I really never got over it.  Am I wrong for keeping that from him?

I am going to pray on that tonight.  I don't want to do the wrong thing.  Anyone reading this, please pray with me that God will guide me in the right thing to do.   Any scriptures for me to mediatate on woud be great! Thanks!!

Offline HappilyMarried

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Re: How do I overcome an old betrayal?
« Reply #3 on: Wed Feb 10, 2016 - 16:58:51 »
Thank you LexKnight for your insight.  I decided to speak to my husband about what I was thinking and feeling and he was happy I did.  He agreed that the devil sees us happy and is trying to drive a wedge between us.  I'm not going to let him.  Every time these images come to my head, I am going to rebuke them and pray.  God is the only one who can heal the hurt.  It may take time...the devil ripped that band aid off pretty good. The discussion with my husband brought us even closer together, although I still don't understand how that happens! Lol

Thank you again for your help. 

Offline rmcbdd14

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Re: How do I overcome an old betrayal?
« Reply #4 on: Tue Apr 05, 2016 - 09:01:20 »
When a husband says that he only "kissed" another woman, this usually means that they had sex. He minimized the affair to you. He hasn't told you the truth.

I am so sorry that you are in this situation. How horrible. Believe me when I say this to you...I know how you feel  ::cryingtears::

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Re: How do I overcome an old betrayal?
« Reply #4 on: Tue Apr 05, 2016 - 09:01:20 »

Offline Barley

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Re: How do I overcome an old betrayal?
« Reply #5 on: Wed Apr 06, 2016 - 00:27:14 »
When a husband says that he only "kissed" another woman, this usually means that they had sex. He minimized the affair to you. He hasn't told you the truth.

I am so sorry that you are in this situation. How horrible. Believe me when I say this to you...I know how you feel  ::cryingtears::

WOW. I feel sorry for you!

Offline RB

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Re: How do I overcome an old betrayal?
« Reply #6 on: Wed Apr 06, 2016 - 05:07:27 »
Now, here's the problem. 
The problem you have created by not ruling your spirit, and overcoming your hidden unforgiveness toward your husband, and by loving yourself more than your husband. You need to read 1st Corinthians 13 and take hold of the meaning of charity/love. I will add also, that you are failing in your understanding of the true definition of that sacred word: FORGIVENESS. Have you ever asked God to forgive you? What would you think of God, if he after many years, could not get over you sinning against him? Not very very much would you? God puts our sins into the sea of forgetfulness, as far as the east is from the west....does he not? When we tell someone we forgive them, this forgiveness includes two main elements, and they are these: We do not only not take revenge against those who have wrong us, but we also embrace them back into our bosom and fellowship with them, without ever mentioning the wrong that they had done to us to separate our fellowship.  This God does toward us everyday, so why cannot we do toward those our enemies, but especially toward those we profess to love!  You are creating your own problem, by not remembering how God forgive us.
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My heart is actually feeling like its breaking today.  I can't get the image of him touching her out of my mind.  Him kissing her lips.  Holding her hand... All of a sudden, I am hurting.
Well shame on you for having those feelings! You need to rise above those precious little feelings of yours. Again, think upon how God forgives US, and go and do likewise toward others.
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The affair happened 17 years ago! 
Oh PLEASE! Why are you diggin up those old feelings, and thinking upon them. I'm thankful you are not my god.
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Why all of a sudden am I hurting so much?
one simple word: self love.... self pity.....you are not thankful for God's forgiveness toward you! If so, then you would be more toward others, especially your husband. 
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  I don't want him to know how hurt I was today because it's not fair to him to dredge it all back up.
You should be ashamed, and not want anyone to know how weak and sinful you are in not forgiven others. 
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What can I do to get it out of my head? 
True forgiveness goes a long way, and loving others as you love yourself.
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but I can't stop how I feel, can I?
What do you thinK? It's called ruling your spirit in the book of Proverbs. Yes, you can stop feeling the way you do, by start practicing forgiveness the way you desire God to forgive you.
« Last Edit: Wed Apr 06, 2016 - 05:10:38 by RB »

Offline MeMyself

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Re: How do I overcome an old betrayal?
« Reply #7 on: Wed Apr 06, 2016 - 09:07:17 »
Thank you LexKnight for your insight.  I decided to speak to my husband about what I was thinking and feeling and he was happy I did.  He agreed that the devil sees us happy and is trying to drive a wedge between us.  I'm not going to let him.  Every time these images come to my head, I am going to rebuke them and pray.  God is the only one who can heal the hurt.  It may take time...the devil ripped that band aid off pretty good. The discussion with my husband brought us even closer together, although I still don't understand how that happens! Lol

Thank you again for your help.

I think you are doing the noble right and good thing!  So many of us are afraid to admit to carrying any kind of residual hurt or that Satan might be harassing us with images from our past.

You aren't nursing it! You are facing it!  Admitting to your struggle, reaching out (which is VERY brave), and acknowledging your need to take these thoughts captive.

Your marriage is a strong one that you could share this with your man and have him stand with you in this, rather than be offended and prideful.  He could see your heart, and look past the shallow place of "How DARE you bring this up to me again?!"

May God richly bless you and your marriage! May He forever silence the liar who is the accuser of your husband...and may He strengthen and enrich the bond you have with your husband more and more every day.

 ::hug::

Offline rmcbdd14

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Re: How do I overcome an old betrayal?
« Reply #8 on: Tue Apr 26, 2016 - 05:45:30 »
Interesting comment about the whisper from the enemy. Can this actually happen? Does this happen?

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Re: How do I overcome an old betrayal?
« Reply #8 on: Tue Apr 26, 2016 - 05:45:30 »

Offline rmcbdd14

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Re: How do I overcome an old betrayal?
« Reply #9 on: Tue Apr 26, 2016 - 05:54:06 »
I must say, commendable. If I was the husband in that situation and my wife was going through what you are now, I would want her to tell me. If anything else, I would be able to assure her that I have no interest in anyone else but her.

With that said, seems like a typical whisper from the enemy honestly, a little provocation. Praying for the Lord's help in forgiveness would definitely go a long way, because your words clearly demonstrate a willingness to love and be faithful to him. And just try your best to resist the whispers.

Interesting comment about the whisper from the enemy. Does this really happen? If so, how common is it? Makes me think if the devil is trying to destroy my marriage.


Offline MeMyself

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Re: How do I overcome an old betrayal?
« Reply #10 on: Tue Apr 26, 2016 - 10:29:05 »
I must say, commendable. If I was the husband in that situation and my wife was going through what you are now, I would want her to tell me. If anything else, I would be able to assure her that I have no interest in anyone else but her.

With that said, seems like a typical whisper from the enemy honestly, a little provocation. Praying for the Lord's help in forgiveness would definitely go a long way, because your words clearly demonstrate a willingness to love and be faithful to him. And just try your best to resist the whispers.

Interesting comment about the whisper from the enemy. Does this really happen? If so, how common is it? Makes me think if the devil is trying to destroy my marriage.

The bible tells us to take every thought captive.  Why? I believe for moments such as are being described.  Being haunted and taunted by the past, or our own mistakes...those can be very effective tools of Satan to drive wedges in every relationship we have; including the one with God.  I think its very common.  Guard your heart, pray for your husband and your relationship, pray for God to help you let the past go and to allow your relationship to heal and grow.   ::hug::  God bless!

Offline Lady Daffodil

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Re: How do I overcome an old betrayal?
« Reply #11 on: Tue Jun 28, 2016 - 11:30:56 »
When a husband says that he only "kissed" another woman, this usually means that they had sex. He minimized the affair to you. He hasn't told you the truth.

This is an unfair assumption.  ::frown::  It is entirely possible that it never went beyond a kiss.  I know, I was in the same situation once, I allowed someone else to kiss me but that's all it was.  Neither of us wanted to have sex, it was entirely an emotional situation; we were both Christians and we loved our spouses.  This happened 30 years ago, and it's over and done with.  Please don't assume that men always end up having sex with someone.