Author Topic: How do you fix it?  (Read 6456 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Texas Conservative

  • Certified Resident Board Genius....The MAN, the MYTH, the LEGEND!
  • Legendary Member
  • ******
  • Posts: 9972
  • Manna: 372
  • My church is 100% right, Your church is 100% wrong
Re: How do you fix it?
« Reply #70 on: Tue Sep 29, 2015 - 20:49:33 »
If you do it, do it.  Don't leave a financial trace.  Don't talk to her about it......until you have any evidence.

Causes more chaos, and if things go bad, potentially gives away his case.

He sure doesn't play his cards close to the vest.  ::lookaround::

Christian Forums and Message Board

Re: How do you fix it?
« Reply #70 on: Tue Sep 29, 2015 - 20:49:33 »

mommydi

  • Guest
Re: How do you fix it?
« Reply #71 on: Tue Sep 29, 2015 - 20:59:42 »
Oh, I agree. In a situation like this, it is better to discreetly search for truth.

Offline Slow Hand

  • Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 47
  • Manna: 0
  • (T)ogether (E)veryone (A)chieves (M)ore
Re: How do you fix it?
« Reply #72 on: Wed Sep 30, 2015 - 17:19:36 »
Ugh, I still can't log in on any of my computers, only my phone. Anyone else having a problem? This website won't even open for me.

Christian Forums and Message Board

Re: How do you fix it?
« Reply #72 on: Wed Sep 30, 2015 - 17:19:36 »

Offline Slow Hand

  • Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 47
  • Manna: 0
  • (T)ogether (E)veryone (A)chieves (M)ore
Re: How do you fix it?
« Reply #73 on: Sun Oct 04, 2015 - 07:30:50 »
Yay, it's back to working!

Well, it's been a rough going, we aren't talking now because I pressed the issue. Oh well, such is life. She's been sleeping downstairs for a couple of days now.

I'm still waiting for the DNA test results, she doesn't know I am moving forward with that. If the results should come back positive for another mans DNA, is that sufficient evidence for a divorce? She's been denying that she had an affair but can't tell me how that semen got in her underwear. I'm fairly confident it is not mine and want to divorce her on the grounds of infidelity if it comes back positive for another man. She also says that the test was bogus, done by a shady company that just wanted my money and will not accept any results.

If the test is inconclusive, meaning no DNA is identified, then I'll have to wait and see what happens. We had been getting along great, prior to me being a jerk, but it was just eating away at me and at least now, I feel much better, even though we aren't talking.

I still don't know what to do, I try to be patient, but it's not working very well. I suck.  ::cryingtears::

Christian Forums and Message Board

Re: How do you fix it?
« Reply #73 on: Sun Oct 04, 2015 - 07:30:50 »

mommydi

  • Guest
Re: How do you fix it?
« Reply #74 on: Sun Oct 04, 2015 - 07:36:57 »
How long will it take to get the results?

Christian Forums and Message Board

Re: How do you fix it?
« Reply #74 on: Sun Oct 04, 2015 - 07:36:57 »



Offline Slow Hand

  • Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 47
  • Manna: 0
  • (T)ogether (E)veryone (A)chieves (M)ore
Re: How do you fix it?
« Reply #75 on: Sun Oct 04, 2015 - 08:12:53 »
I should have the results in another week or two.

Christian Forums and Message Board

Re: How do you fix it?
« Reply #75 on: Sun Oct 04, 2015 - 08:12:53 »

Offline MeMyself

  • Lee's Inner Circle Member
  • *******
  • Posts: 15980
  • Manna: 382
  • Gender: Female
Re: How do you fix it?
« Reply #76 on: Sun Oct 04, 2015 - 08:22:53 »
I should have the results in another week or two.

I don't think the results matter. I think its over.

For you, a negative means, "Yay!  We can stay married!" For her, it likely means something else entirely.


Offline Slow Hand

  • Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 47
  • Manna: 0
  • (T)ogether (E)veryone (A)chieves (M)ore
Re: How do you fix it?
« Reply #77 on: Sun Oct 04, 2015 - 08:28:13 »
I should have the results in another week or two.

I don't think the results matter. I think its over.

For you, a negative means, "Yay!  We can stay married!" For her, it likely means something else entirely.

Why would the results not matter though? I don't have any grounds for divorce right now and I was wondering if a positive for another male would be grounds for divorce.

I really want to believe her, and if the test comes out that it's my semen or is inconclusive, then I have no grounds for a divorce. I know I should just wait for the results, but she will only deny those as well, I suspect.

Quote
For her, it likely means something else entirely.
Please elaborate, what would it mean for her?

Maybe it is just all in my head, I don't know, I'm so confused and broken.  ::cryingtears::

Offline MeMyself

  • Lee's Inner Circle Member
  • *******
  • Posts: 15980
  • Manna: 382
  • Gender: Female
Re: How do you fix it?
« Reply #78 on: Sun Oct 04, 2015 - 08:36:27 »
I should have the results in another week or two.

I don't think the results matter. I think its over.

For you, a negative means, "Yay!  We can stay married!" For her, it likely means something else entirely.

Why would the results not matter though? I don't have any grounds for divorce right now and I was wondering if a positive for another male would be grounds for divorce.

I really want to believe her, and if the test comes out that it's my semen or is inconclusive, then I have no grounds for a divorce. I know I should just wait for the results, but she will only deny those as well, I suspect.

Quote
For her, it likely means something else entirely.
Please elaborate, what would it mean for her?

Maybe it is just all in my head, I don't know, I'm so confused and broken.  ::cryingtears::

Well, just try to see it through her perspective.  Im not saying she did not cheat, but what IF she did not cheat?

YOU be her...let her be you in this scenario.  How would YOU feel after being accused and IF you were innocent..and it just built and built and built up until she took an intimate personal item of yours to be tested, so that SHE could know for sure if she would stay married to you...only to have you saying, "I am innocent" all along, but never trusted?  How would you feel if the test proved you to be in fact innocent like you've said all along, and she said "Ok, I will stay married to you now,"?  Would you have any desire to be with someone who had zero faith in you, who was so paranoid, who was willing to go to such extreme lengths to make sure they weren't being mistreated or stepped out on...but, you were innocent?

YOU might feel better if the test comes back negative, but I don't think she will. I think it might just be the opposite...it would for me anyway.   ::shrug::

Christian Forums and Message Board

Re: How do you fix it?
« Reply #78 on: Sun Oct 04, 2015 - 08:36:27 »

Offline Slow Hand

  • Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 47
  • Manna: 0
  • (T)ogether (E)veryone (A)chieves (M)ore
Re: How do you fix it?
« Reply #79 on: Sun Oct 04, 2015 - 09:26:04 »

Well, just try to see it through her perspective.  Im not saying she did not cheat, but what IF she did not cheat?

YOU be her...let her be you in this scenario.  How would YOU feel after being accused and IF you were innocent..and it just built and built and built up until she took an intimate personal item of yours to be tested, so that SHE could know for sure if she would stay married to you...only to have you saying, "I am innocent" all along, but never trusted?  How would you feel if the test proved you to be in fact innocent like you've said all along, and she said "Ok, I will stay married to you now,"?  Would you have any desire to be with someone who had zero faith in you, who was so paranoid, who was willing to go to such extreme lengths to make sure they weren't being mistreated or stepped out on...but, you were innocent?

YOU might feel better if the test comes back negative, but I don't think she will. I think it might just be the opposite...it would for me anyway.   ::shrug::

Her actions have not aligned with her words, that's why I sent in that pair of underwear.

On the day she wore that underwear, I asked her that morning why she was wearing that underwear as it was a pair of thong underwear and she always hated wearing them except she would when I asked. She stated that she was wearing them for me so I asked if that meant I could have some sex when she got home from work.

She was very adamant stating that no, I could not have some. Well, I talked to her on her lunch break, her regular break and after work and asked each time that since she was wearing that underwear for me, if I could have some and each time she said no.

Well that night, she said I couldn't have any but I was welcome to look and pleasure myself. I took her up on it and she was very wet and looked like she had had sex, even though she had just been in the bathroom cleaning up down there. I even asked her if she had just had sex, she didn't reply and put her head down and left me to think about it on my own. I was really sad and didn't know what to do so I confiscated her underwear and put it in a safe place while I thought about what to do.

A couple of weeks passed and we were shopping for a birthday present for our granddaughter and we were discussing other things that had popped up, like her staying after work and drinking with coworkers, which she denied and wouldn't let me smell her breath. ???

Well, I brought up the topic of those underwear that she supposedly wore for me and told her that I had suspected she was having sex with someone else that day she claimed to wear those underwear for me and she got real quiet and gave me a weird stare down that seemed to last an eternity.

I went through a range of emotions from being excited that she is finally going to tell me the truth to being scared because she wouldn't say anything while staring me down. I told her to stop and asked what was wrong and she said nothing is wrong and proceeded to change the subject and that was that. Well this was the day that I thought, screw it, I'm sending those underwear in, she's acting so weird. So I did and didn't say anything until the results came back.

After the results came in, I sent her a really long text the following morning telling her what I had done and what the results were. She didn't bother commenting back or even talk to me about it until 18 hours later when I asked why she hadn't replied. She said, why should I, what do you want me to say. I was stunned and couldn't think of a reply and just let it go at that.

The next day we talked about it again and that's when she got upset with me because I told her I would tell everyone we knew that she had had an affair if the DNA tests showed another male. She was very upset so I apologized and said I wouldn't do the DNA test and things improved between us.

Offline MeMyself

  • Lee's Inner Circle Member
  • *******
  • Posts: 15980
  • Manna: 382
  • Gender: Female
Re: How do you fix it?
« Reply #80 on: Sun Oct 04, 2015 - 09:28:08 »
yuck.  WAY to much info.

I didn't read very far...but will say, I am glad my dh does not feel the need to be my underwear police.

Hope things turn out for you the way you hope them to. God bless you and your wife.

Offline Slow Hand

  • Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 47
  • Manna: 0
  • (T)ogether (E)veryone (A)chieves (M)ore
Re: How do you fix it?
« Reply #81 on: Sun Oct 04, 2015 - 09:45:04 »
yuck.  WAY to much info.

I didn't read very far...but will say, I am glad my dh does not feel the need to be my underwear police.

Hope things turn out for you the way you hope them to. God bless you and your wife.

I hate being her underwear police, it sucks, I didn't know what else to do though.

In our entire relationship, she has only apologized twice to me when we fight and one of those time was a month ago. Every fight we've ever had, I was the one to try and make it work and always apologized. She gets mad at me when I apologize and tells me that if I really meant the apology, I wouldn't keep screwing up and wouldn't have to keep apologizing.  ???

I've been through a lot of physical, mental and emotional abuse from my relationship with her and it seems my problem is I put her on a pedestal. I know it's not right and it's not healthy and it has taken a huge toll on me in the last 4 years.

So, do I have enough grounds now, for a divorce, biblically? If not, would I have enough grounds if the DNA test shows another male? Are these tests reliable enough?

I am willing to make it work with my wife, I am still deeply in love with her and can't see myself with any other woman. I just can't stand the thought of her being with another man, I would never be able to work it out if she has indeed strayed, I wouldn't even want to try.

Offline MeMyself

  • Lee's Inner Circle Member
  • *******
  • Posts: 15980
  • Manna: 382
  • Gender: Female
Re: How do you fix it?
« Reply #82 on: Sun Oct 04, 2015 - 09:53:10 »
I just can't stand the thought of her being with another man,

I sympathize. I can't stand the thought of my dh with another woman.  No married person SHOULD be able to stand that thought. IMO.

Quote
I would never be able to work it out if she has indeed strayed, I wouldn't even want to try.

That's between you and God.

I just think you need to rest, take your concerns to God and ask HIM to let her sins find her out, if there be any...He will expose what He wants exposed.  If you do this, you don't HAVE to be her policeman -or- her daddy, making sure she is a good girl...you can just rest and be her husband and her friend.

I feel like its a strong possibility that you are letting your fears make you react and you are jumping ahead of yourself, God and everything rational.




Offline Slow Hand

  • Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 47
  • Manna: 0
  • (T)ogether (E)veryone (A)chieves (M)ore
Re: How do you fix it?
« Reply #83 on: Sun Oct 04, 2015 - 10:58:03 »
I just can't stand the thought of her being with another man,

I sympathize. I can't stand the thought of my dh with another woman.  No married person SHOULD be able to stand that thought. IMO.

Quote
I would never be able to work it out if she has indeed strayed, I wouldn't even want to try.

That's between you and God.

I just think you need to rest, take your concerns to God and ask HIM to let her sins find her out, if there be any...He will expose what He wants exposed.  If you do this, you don't HAVE to be her policeman -or- her daddy, making sure she is a good girl...you can just rest and be her husband and her friend.

I feel like its a strong possibility that you are letting your fears make you react and you are jumping ahead of yourself, God and everything rational.

I hear you, I often wonder if she's right, I'm going crazy.  ::frustrated:: I have been praying that I'm wrong and that God would clearly show me either way. That hasn't happened yet, will a positive test for another male be that answer? I know if the results show the DNA as mine, I would be able to drop all of this, that's the only sticking point at this moment.

I guess time will tell, once the results are in.

But again, do I have grounds for a divorce now? Will I have grounds for a divorce if the DNA test shows another male?

mommydi

  • Guest
Re: How do you fix it?
« Reply #84 on: Sun Oct 04, 2015 - 11:37:15 »


But again, do I have grounds for a divorce now? Will I have grounds for a divorce if the DNA test shows another male?

Hmmm, this is interesting.

Offline Slow Hand

  • Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 47
  • Manna: 0
  • (T)ogether (E)veryone (A)chieves (M)ore
Re: How do you fix it?
« Reply #85 on: Sun Oct 04, 2015 - 11:46:10 »


But again, do I have grounds for a divorce now? Will I have grounds for a divorce if the DNA test shows another male?

Hmmm, this is interesting.

Please elaborate.  ::smile::

mommydi

  • Guest
Re: How do you fix it?
« Reply #86 on: Sun Oct 04, 2015 - 11:58:20 »


But again, do I have grounds for a divorce now? Will I have grounds for a divorce if the DNA test shows another male?

Hmmm, this is interesting.

Please elaborate.  ::smile::

Oh, I was just wondering why you were asking this question.  ::smile::  Do you mean you want to file before you get the results? When you ask if you have "grounds, now" what are you asking? Legal grounds?

Offline Slow Hand

  • Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 47
  • Manna: 0
  • (T)ogether (E)veryone (A)chieves (M)ore
Re: How do you fix it?
« Reply #87 on: Sun Oct 04, 2015 - 12:10:13 »


But again, do I have grounds for a divorce now? Will I have grounds for a divorce if the DNA test shows another male?

Hmmm, this is interesting.

Please elaborate.  ::smile::

Oh, I was just wondering why you were asking this question.  ::smile::  Do you mean you want to file before you get the results? When you ask if you have "grounds, now" what are you asking? Legal grounds?


I was just wondering if I had biblical grounds for a divorce, even without the test results. I know legally, I don't even need a reason to divorce her.

The last few days she has resorted to putting me down again and after much reading on other peoples stories, I shouldn't have to put up with that. She acts like she is so innocent and all of this is on me, but what right does she have to call me names and put me down? I get so depressed when she puts me down and all I want is a divorce and to be far away from her. On the bright side, she hasn't hit me anymore.  ::smile::

I want to make sure that if we do get a divorce, that it is biblical for the grounds of the divorce. I told her that marriage is for life, unless she cheats on me, then all bets are off. But ChosenOne mentioned that I could get a divorce based on the abuse, I'm starting to wake up from this fog.   ::preachit::

Offline chosenone

  • Global Moderator
  • *****
  • Posts: 30914
  • Manna: 538
  • Gender: Female
Re: How do you fix it?
« Reply #88 on: Sun Oct 04, 2015 - 12:52:11 »
abuse means that at the least you can separate and demand that she gets treatment that will stop the abuse.I believe that abuse breaks the covenant,  and many say that its grounds for divorce as well. After all its been going on for a very long time. 

Offline MeMyself

  • Lee's Inner Circle Member
  • *******
  • Posts: 15980
  • Manna: 382
  • Gender: Female
Re: How do you fix it?
« Reply #89 on: Sun Oct 04, 2015 - 12:58:57 »
I also think abuse is grounds...

but abuse isn't limited to  the most obvious kinds...

It could be that they both have played a part in being abusive towards one another. 

Offline Slow Hand

  • Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 47
  • Manna: 0
  • (T)ogether (E)veryone (A)chieves (M)ore
Re: How do you fix it?
« Reply #90 on: Sun Oct 04, 2015 - 13:01:14 »
abuse means that at the least you can separate and demand that she gets treatment that will stop the abuse.I believe that abuse breaks the covenant,  and many say that its grounds for divorce as well. After all its been going on for a very long time.

I remember thinking your name was chose none, lol, just thought I would mention that. Thanks for replying.

Yes, a very long time and I'm not getting any younger and she's not gotten much nicer.  ::frown::

Offline MeMyself

  • Lee's Inner Circle Member
  • *******
  • Posts: 15980
  • Manna: 382
  • Gender: Female
Re: How do you fix it?
« Reply #91 on: Sun Oct 04, 2015 - 13:02:38 »
Yes, a very long time and I'm not getting any younger and she's not gotten much nicer.  ::frown::

Just curious...what would she say of you?  Do you think she feels like you are fun to be around?

Offline Slow Hand

  • Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 47
  • Manna: 0
  • (T)ogether (E)veryone (A)chieves (M)ore
Re: How do you fix it?
« Reply #92 on: Sun Oct 04, 2015 - 13:08:38 »
Yes, a very long time and I'm not getting any younger and she's not gotten much nicer.  ::frown::

Just curious...what would she say of you?  Do you think she feels like you are fun to be around?

She tells me she talks good of me to her coworkers, I really don't know what she has to say about me to anyone else. To me though, she' calls me a loser and tells me nobody likes me. Lately she says I'm lazy, stupid and an a$$hole because of what we've been going through. She's never really talked good about me to me, that I can remember.

I'm not the perfect spouse by any means, but my children have all mentioned how I'm always nice to mom but she's always mean. They even try to say they are more like me because I'm nice and not mean like their mother. The other day my granddaughter told my wife, See, that's why I don't want you around my grandpa, because you're always mean! She didn't take kindly to that.  ::juggle::

Offline MeMyself

  • Lee's Inner Circle Member
  • *******
  • Posts: 15980
  • Manna: 382
  • Gender: Female
Re: How do you fix it?
« Reply #93 on: Sun Oct 04, 2015 - 13:12:17 »
Yes, a very long time and I'm not getting any younger and she's not gotten much nicer.  ::frown::

Just curious...what would she say of you?  Do you think she feels like you are fun to be around?

She tells me she talks good of me to her coworkers, I really don't know what she has to say about me to anyone else. To me though, she' calls me a loser and tells me nobody likes me. Lately she says I'm lazy, stupid and an a$$hole because of what we've been going through. She's never really talked good about me to me, that I can remember.

I'm not the perfect spouse by any means, but my children have all mentioned how I'm always nice to mom but she's always mean. They even try to say they are more like me because I'm nice and not mean like their mother. The other day my granddaughter told my wife, See, that's why I don't want you around my grandpa, because you're always mean! She didn't take kindly to that.  ::juggle::

You are old enough to have grandchildren?

Offline Slow Hand

  • Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 47
  • Manna: 0
  • (T)ogether (E)veryone (A)chieves (M)ore
Re: How do you fix it?
« Reply #94 on: Sun Oct 04, 2015 - 13:13:34 »
Yes, a very long time and I'm not getting any younger and she's not gotten much nicer.  ::frown::

Just curious...what would she say of you?  Do you think she feels like you are fun to be around?

She tells me she talks good of me to her coworkers, I really don't know what she has to say about me to anyone else. To me though, she' calls me a loser and tells me nobody likes me. Lately she says I'm lazy, stupid and an a$$hole because of what we've been going through. She's never really talked good about me to me, that I can remember.

I'm not the perfect spouse by any means, but my children have all mentioned how I'm always nice to mom but she's always mean. They even try to say they are more like me because I'm nice and not mean like their mother. The other day my granddaughter told my wife, See, that's why I don't want you around my grandpa, because you're always mean! She didn't take kindly to that.  ::juggle::

You are old enough to have grandchildren?

Yes, I'm 48.


Offline MeMyself

  • Lee's Inner Circle Member
  • *******
  • Posts: 15980
  • Manna: 382
  • Gender: Female
Re: How do you fix it?
« Reply #95 on: Sun Oct 04, 2015 - 13:16:28 »
Yes, a very long time and I'm not getting any younger and she's not gotten much nicer.  ::frown::

Just curious...what would she say of you?  Do you think she feels like you are fun to be around?

She tells me she talks good of me to her coworkers, I really don't know what she has to say about me to anyone else. To me though, she' calls me a loser and tells me nobody likes me. Lately she says I'm lazy, stupid and an a$$hole because of what we've been going through. She's never really talked good about me to me, that I can remember.

I'm not the perfect spouse by any means, but my children have all mentioned how I'm always nice to mom but she's always mean. They even try to say they are more like me because I'm nice and not mean like their mother. The other day my granddaughter told my wife, See, that's why I don't want you around my grandpa, because you're always mean! She didn't take kindly to that.  ::juggle::

You are old enough to have grandchildren?

Yes, I'm 48.

Really young to have a granddaughter that is old enough to be so eloquent with her words and logic to say, "See, that's why I don't want you around my grandpa, because you're always mean!"  ::shrug::

 

Offline Slow Hand

  • Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 47
  • Manna: 0
  • (T)ogether (E)veryone (A)chieves (M)ore
Re: How do you fix it?
« Reply #96 on: Sun Oct 04, 2015 - 13:23:52 »
Yes, a very long time and I'm not getting any younger and she's not gotten much nicer.  ::frown::

Just curious...what would she say of you?  Do you think she feels like you are fun to be around?

She tells me she talks good of me to her coworkers, I really don't know what she has to say about me to anyone else. To me though, she' calls me a loser and tells me nobody likes me. Lately she says I'm lazy, stupid and an a$$hole because of what we've been going through. She's never really talked good about me to me, that I can remember.

I'm not the perfect spouse by any means, but my children have all mentioned how I'm always nice to mom but she's always mean. They even try to say they are more like me because I'm nice and not mean like their mother. The other day my granddaughter told my wife, See, that's why I don't want you around my grandpa, because you're always mean! She didn't take kindly to that.  ::juggle::

You are old enough to have grandchildren?

Yes, I'm 48.

Really young to have a granddaughter that is old enough to be so eloquent with her words and logic to say, "See, that's why I don't want you around my grandpa, because you're always mean!"  ::shrug::

 

She's 5 and very advanced for her age. Unfortunately, she's seen us fight and argue, we are trying to not do that around her.

Offline Slow Hand

  • Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 47
  • Manna: 0
  • (T)ogether (E)veryone (A)chieves (M)ore
Re: How do you fix it?
« Reply #97 on: Sun Oct 04, 2015 - 13:34:31 »
So, earlier today I was upstairs and about to take a shower. I saw my wife downstairs and it looked like she was texting someone back and forth so I made a note of the time. When I went on our cell phone account, there was nothing there or even within an hour of that for texting anyone. Is it possible she's using an app to communicate with this other guy and that's why I've not found anything? That's what it is looking like to me, I know I'm not crazy, I know what I saw and it appeared as she was texting someone back and forth.

This is getting old, I just want to be done with this already.  ::frustrated::

Offline MeMyself

  • Lee's Inner Circle Member
  • *******
  • Posts: 15980
  • Manna: 382
  • Gender: Female
Re: How do you fix it?
« Reply #98 on: Sun Oct 04, 2015 - 13:45:18 »
Could she have been on FaceBook? A message forum?

Could it be that it is nothing?

If my dh was monitoring me like this, I would be batty by now.  We are close to the same age as you and I just can not imagine him being like this...and he has serious control issues.  Serious enough that when we were younger, I went to counseling for help to know how to approach it.

Control issues stem from fear...

I remember one time, he was badgering me about something and I was innocent of it, but he kept at it with the accusations, the insults and I was sobbing.  I said, "I need a break. I promise to come back and talk to you about this later, but right now, you are pushing my buttons and I do not want to escalate this further. Please give me some space."  I went out to gather eggs.

He followed me. Badgering all the way.  I did my best to ignore him, but his words kept hitting me below the belt until I LOST it. I threw an egg at him.

It didn't hit him.  It splattered at his feet and splashed his pants, but he had *won*! I was a hot head. I was an abuser. I was blah blah blah.  Nothing he said was worse than what I was already saying to myself.

My counselor told me, when I admitted to my great shame what I had done, that he was glad I threw the egg.  He said if my dh was too much of a donkey to disrespect me by not listening to my "no", then he deserved what he got. I didn't agree and told him so..at any rate:

your posts remind me of this.  You are letting your pride or fear make you behave in ways that are driving her away, which is what you say you don't want. Doesn't make sense to me...also, if you are *grandparents*, you HAVE to find a more adult way to deal with one another.

mommydi

  • Guest
Re: How do you fix it?
« Reply #99 on: Sun Oct 04, 2015 - 14:00:35 »


Really young to have a granddaughter that is old enough to be so eloquent with her words and logic to say, "See, that's why I don't want you around my grandpa, because you're always mean!"  ::shrug::

 

MeMyself, I had my first baby as a teenager, and then became a grandmother at 39, so if Slow Hand is in his 40s, it's very possible to have a grandchild old enough to reason and communicate. People often think my grandson is my son and say I don't look old enough to have a grandchild his age, but I am his grandmother. Neither one of us correct people when they refer to me as his mom, though.  ::smile::

Offline MeMyself

  • Lee's Inner Circle Member
  • *******
  • Posts: 15980
  • Manna: 382
  • Gender: Female
Re: How do you fix it?
« Reply #100 on: Sun Oct 04, 2015 - 14:04:07 »


Really young to have a granddaughter that is old enough to be so eloquent with her words and logic to say, "See, that's why I don't want you around my grandpa, because you're always mean!"  ::shrug::

 

MeMyself, I had my first baby as a teenager, and then became a grandmother at 39, so if Slow Hand is in his 40s, it's very possible to have a grandchild old enough to reason and communicate. People often think my grandson is my son and say I don't look old enough to have a grandchild his age, but I am his grandmother. Neither one of us correct people when they refer to me as his mom, though.  ::smile::

Ok.  ::smile::


mommydi

  • Guest
Re: How do you fix it?
« Reply #101 on: Sun Oct 04, 2015 - 14:05:51 »
So, earlier today I was upstairs and about to take a shower. I saw my wife downstairs and it looked like she was texting someone back and forth so I made a note of the time. When I went on our cell phone account, there was nothing there or even within an hour of that for texting anyone. Is it possible she's using an app to communicate with this other guy and that's why I've not found anything? That's what it is looking like to me, I know I'm not crazy, I know what I saw and it appeared as she was texting someone back and forth.

This is getting old, I just want to be done with this already.  ::frustrated::
Have you gone to a therapist? Either your wife is a super sly cheater, or she's innocent and you're pushing her away with your false accusations. Either way, it sure wouldn't hurt to talk to a therapist.
This will be interesting to find out if she's really cheating or not.

Offline Slow Hand

  • Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 47
  • Manna: 0
  • (T)ogether (E)veryone (A)chieves (M)ore
Re: How do you fix it?
« Reply #102 on: Sun Oct 04, 2015 - 19:57:57 »
Could she have been on FaceBook? A message forum?

Could it be that it is nothing?

If my dh was monitoring me like this, I would be batty by now.  We are close to the same age as you and I just can not imagine him being like this...and he has serious control issues.  Serious enough that when we were younger, I went to counseling for help to know how to approach it.

Control issues stem from fear...

I remember one time, he was badgering me about something and I was innocent of it, but he kept at it with the accusations, the insults and I was sobbing.  I said, "I need a break. I promise to come back and talk to you about this later, but right now, you are pushing my buttons and I do not want to escalate this further. Please give me some space."  I went out to gather eggs.

He followed me. Badgering all the way.  I did my best to ignore him, but his words kept hitting me below the belt until I LOST it. I threw an egg at him.

It didn't hit him.  It splattered at his feet and splashed his pants, but he had *won*! I was a hot head. I was an abuser. I was blah blah blah.  Nothing he said was worse than what I was already saying to myself.

My counselor told me, when I admitted to my great shame what I had done, that he was glad I threw the egg.  He said if my dh was too much of a donkey to disrespect me by not listening to my "no", then he deserved what he got. I didn't agree and told him so..at any rate:

your posts remind me of this.  You are letting your pride or fear make you behave in ways that are driving her away, which is what you say you don't want. Doesn't make sense to me...also, if you are *grandparents*, you HAVE to find a more adult way to deal with one another.

No, she doesn't do social media, as far as I know. The screen looked like a regular texting screen. Anyway, found out it's likely that she is using imessaging, that won't show up on the phone bill and neither will facetime. She must have recently turned it on, maybe a week ago, judging by when the texts to one of my daughters with an iphone stopped.

I really don't mean to be like this, I hate it very much, but I just can't trust her. Several times now, when I knew for a fact that she was lying to me, I found it really difficult to see any signs that she was in fact lying to me. She was extremely convincing and I even repeatedly told her, that if it turned out that she was lying, that I wouldn't be able to trust her at all. She still lied, even after the repeated warnings.  ::cryingtears::

She's been batty for as long as I've known her, lol, she used to beat on me every now and then but I never hit her back, only restrained her.  ::nodding::

Everything that I've brought up to her is not without reason, it's not like I pull stuff out of thin air and it's always something new that I bring up, not the same old same old, ya know. So I don't think it's my pride or fear, it's her actions and what she says and stuff that happens that make me this way. She does nothing to reassure me that she's not cheating. She even changed the password to the cell phone account but I was able to guess the password so she doesn't even know that I have access.


mommydi

  • Guest
Re: How do you fix it?
« Reply #103 on: Sun Oct 04, 2015 - 20:10:43 »
. She even changed the password to the cell phone account but I was able to guess the password so she doesn't even know that I have access.

You are kidding!!! Really??? Most cell phones only give you a limited number of guesses/attempts at the password before it locks down. Smarty!

Offline Slow Hand

  • Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 47
  • Manna: 0
  • (T)ogether (E)veryone (A)chieves (M)ore
Re: How do you fix it?
« Reply #104 on: Sun Oct 04, 2015 - 20:32:26 »
So, earlier today I was upstairs and about to take a shower. I saw my wife downstairs and it looked like she was texting someone back and forth so I made a note of the time. When I went on our cell phone account, there was nothing there or even within an hour of that for texting anyone. Is it possible she's using an app to communicate with this other guy and that's why I've not found anything? That's what it is looking like to me, I know I'm not crazy, I know what I saw and it appeared as she was texting someone back and forth.

This is getting old, I just want to be done with this already.  ::frustrated::
Have you gone to a therapist? Either your wife is a super sly cheater, or she's innocent and you're pushing her away with your false accusations. Either way, it sure wouldn't hurt to talk to a therapist.
This will be interesting to find out if she's really cheating or not.

I have met with my pastor and talked for a bit, but that's about it.

She's not coming clean about everything, I have no closure, because for the first time in our marriage, she says she can't talk to me and locks herself up in the bedroom or bathroom when we barely get into a discussion. Then according to her, it's the past, so I'm not allowed to bring it up again. ??? One in particular is when I asked if she had feelings for the coworker, if she loved him. She replied, everbody loves the coworker, of course I love him. I was like  ??? ??? ???. I asked several time what she meant, if she was attracted to him and she doesn't want to talk about it.

I'm getting better, I'm trying to detach myself from her, it's not been healthy for me, my love tank is bone dry and has been for well over 4 years. I think it's time to cut my losses and move on. The thing is, I don't want to be alone and would be open to marrying again. I just don't want to divorce her if it's not in line with the bible and would make it a sin to remarry. Not only that, if I knew without a doubt that she hadn't cheated on me, I would not be acting like this, I'm not a crazy person.

Her actions vs words, led me to collect her underwear one night and her actions and her words a couple of weeks later, led me to send them in. Then the results come back high, 9/10 for semen and no sperm or saliva, even though we hadn't had sex for days and I always use a condom. I had even suspected she had unprotected sex a couple of times because *TMI* so I believed it might be an individual that had a vasectomy. Funny thing is, that's what the lab tech said, too, someone who can't produce sperm for whatever reason likely left that semen there.

I just have to be patient and wait for the DNA results, hopefully it's conclusive one way or the other, don't need an inconclusive test right now.  ::frustrated::

 

     
anything