How much to tell?

[jjthewife]

It feels like all my problem.  He can't help himself, he never has been able to. I need to change myself.  He grabbed at me last night and I hate myself for that..

Oh, he can help himself.  If you grabbed at your son or daughter would it be your fault or theirs?  We are responsible for our actions only and as a child we're not even responsible for all our actions because we have authority figures who make our choices for us.  So, if they choose wrong, it's not our fault.  It's theirs.  You need to change but it's not a physical change that needs to take place.  It's an emotional one.

No, it wouldn't be a kid's fault now but they are different from me.  He says that he's "grown up" with me.  I keep thinking if I got really thin, he wouldn't like me anymore.  I can control eating but I don't know how to control emotions, especially mine.

[macmom70]

No, it wouldn't be a kid's fault now but they are different from me.  He says that he's "grown up" with me.  I keep thinking if I got really thin, he wouldn't like me anymore.  I can control eating but I don't know how to control emotions, especially mine.

What makes you different than every other kid that has been abused by their father?  I'm not making fun of you, but I want you to think about it, and if you can let me know what makes you different?  Why is it not those kids fault but it is yours?  Your answer will not surprise or disgust me.  Being thin will not change the way he feels.  Only he and God can do that.  Not you.

[poohgirl]

I had a conversation once about about girls and women who get forced into trunks.  I  remember agreeing with someone else that we would never have to worry about that happening to us, because we are too big to grab easily and put be in a trunk.  That happens to thin women and girls.   So, maybe that won't happen to us, but does that mean I am safe or protected from other things happening.   Being real thin, being overweight, being young, being elderly, being pretty or being plain does not guarantee some may not try to victimize another.    

A victim is not responsible for the wrong actions of others who hurt them.  I use to think growing up I wore a sign or something that it was okay for others to hurt me.  There must be something about me.   Then, one day a counselor asked me to think about how many 7 yr olds deserved or were doing something to cause someone to do what happened to me when I was 7 yrs old.   I began noticing girls in stores around 7-8 yrs old, at church and so on.  I would look at them and you know what I couldn't see one thing on earth that would ever make a girl deserve to be hurt like that at all.   I didn't deserve it  or cause it at 7 or 13 and anything in between.  Neither did you!

You don't own what has happened to you. You didn't cause what happened you.  You only control, decide what you will do now in response to it.   God loves you, you are his creation and he cares about you.  

  

[jjthewife]

What makes you different than every other kid that has been abused by their father?  I'm not making fun of you, but I want you to think about it, and if you can let me know what makes you different?  Why is it not those kids fault but it is yours?  Your answer will not surprise or disgust me.  Being thin will not change the way he feels.  Only he and God can do that.  Not you.

I guess I'm different because I did lots of things willingly.  It's hard to hear people say that it is not my fault when I know the things that I did.  I know everyone means well but I think it would be different if people knew the truth.   I just want to be the opposite of what he likes.

[jjthewife]

A victim is not responsible for the wrong actions of others who hurt them.  I use to think growing up I wore a sign or something that it was okay for others to hurt me.  There must be something about me.   Then, one day a counselor asked me to think about how many 7 yr olds deserved or were doing something to cause someone to do what happened to me when I was 7 yrs old.   I began noticing girls in stores around 7-8 yrs old, at church and so on.  I would look at them and you know what I couldn't see one thing on earth that would ever make a girl deserve to be hurt like that at all.   I didn't deserve it  or cause it at 7 or 13 and anything in between.  Neither did you!

I notice the same things.  I don't see any kids who would deserve what happened to me.  But I also have this nagging doubt that the kids I see would never do the things I did either.

[macmom70]

I notice the same things.  I don't see any kids who would deserve what happened to me.  But I also have this nagging doubt that the kids I see would never do the things I did either.

Kids want to please the people they love no matter what that is.  You are not the only one that ever did things that as an adult you think back on and are horrified about.  Kids have to be taught right and wrong.  You do not just know and adults/parents are the ones that do that teaching.  I have more to say but my daughter is climbing on my back.  So if this doens't make sense, I'm sorry. LOL!

[son of God]

I think ya'll are missing what she's saying, Macmom.  (And others?)

Prudence.  That's a good spiritual word.  In fact, I think it to be a good word for many things.  So is repentance.  But how do they tie together?  When one has repented, they do not do a show and tell.  That isn't prudent, nor is it wise or profitable, but it panders to the flesh and the desires of it in a perverse or twisted way.  So, when one that it bonded to you, and especially a husband, asks, then tell what he asks.  Do not embelish.  That is wrong.  Give the info asked for, and there is no need to give more.  Do not hide, but give honestly about what is asked.  The scriptures tell us not to deceive.  That's basic, isn't it?  If a spouse has a problem with their asking, does that preclude us from answering?  No, for we are not responsible for their heart, but our heart and relationship with the spouse and God.  What they do with it is up to them, isn't it?  That's the way it is with anything, isn't it?  Of course it is.  You could give a pie to a good friend, then they could throw it in the garbage right in front of your eyes, and then tell you never to give them another one.  If we were to say that the person might not receive as we ideally want them to, we would never give!  And others would never give to us.  God wouldn't have done anything on our behalf, then. 

Do not volunteer that which is not asked for, in these delicate things.  Do not withold that which is asked for, in these delicate things.  Then trust in God, and "do not give place to fear", which was spoken to wives due to how the husband might respond or what he might do.  "trust in God, and lean not on your own understanding, and He will make your paths straight".

[Elaine]

Hi jj,
How are you doing? I was thinking of you with all the TV coverage of the Michele Philips/Father thing splashed all over the news shows.
Take care,
:)Elaine

[Magnificat]

I was abused as a child and through my teenage years as well.  I told my husband this before we were even engaged because I wanted him to know the truth about my past.  I have been in counseling for my childhood issues but we are also now in marriage counseling as well.  We have a good marriage but when conflict arises, our communication stops; mainly because I shut down at the first sign of anger or even tension.

We are now at the point in counseling where we are talking about our pasts and how they have shaped us into the people we are today.  I was able to disclose that I was abused but beyond that, I didn't say much more.  Both my husband and the counselor feel that me sharing some details are important.  I kind of agree but I'm terrified.  I don't want my husband to be angry at me or at people who hurt me in the past.  Like I said, anger scares me really bad.

I really want our communication to improve but I want to avoid the details if at all possible.  Am I doing something dishonest by not giving all the details?  Just thinking about some of it is extremely painful... I can't imagine actually telling my husband.  I want to do the right thing but like I said, I'm really scared.

Pray and ask God to send you His Holy Spirit to heal your wounds so that you may learn to open up to your husband.  A Spiritual Director once told me that marriage can be a source of healing for the couple.  You obviouly need a lot before you can even improve your communication with your husband.

Pray.  You need to pray as a couple and ask for the grace of a truly listening and giving heart. Pray for the grace to accept each other completely.

[macmom70]

How are you doing?  I've been thinking abou you and praying.