Author Topic: Husband cheated  (Read 2300 times)

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Offline hh2k12

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Husband cheated
« on: Tue May 23, 2017 - 07:40:15 »
My husband cheated on me 6 months ago while I as 9 months pregnant. Literally one week before our daughter was born. He had sex with a girl 10 years younger than him (he is 30). It was a girl he worked with.
I was (and still am) very hurt by this. I actually found out about it the DAY it happened. So imagine the pain I felt being huge and pregnant knowing that my husband had just had sex with a strange girl 3 hours earlier.

I struggled with my hurt and depression for months on end. We fought everyday. I cried everyday. He said he was sorry and wanted to be with me. I didn't know what to do. I had a newborn (we also have an older child) and was just very stressed out.

During this time, I would get random emails from his coworkers saying that he was always talking about getting with other women. He would talk about womens breasts and bums. Tried to get with this girls twin sister first. Tried to get with other employees. There is really no telling how many times he cheated, even though he claims it was only this ONE day/time.

One day - about 7 weeks ago - my husband started picking up his bible. He asked me to go to church with him. This was weird for him because he had never lived a christian life. It the midst of all of this pain and hurt, its like God just came into our lives.

Since committing our lives to Christ, our marriage has done much better. I do feel like maybe we can work this out, especially considering that we were not christians at the time that this happened. I feel like I should give our marriage another chance, now that God is involved in it.

Even with God in my life, I am still struggling with the hurt and pain. I don't understand how he could do this to me while I was pregnant with his child. Images of them together pop up in my head ALL THE TIME, especially during sex. I need help and i don't know who to turn to. None of my close girlfriends are christians and my friends at church seem too new to spill all of this to.  Any advice?

So far, we are almost finished with the Love Dare. book. just fyi.

Offline chosenone

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Re: Husband cheated
« Reply #1 on: Tue May 23, 2017 - 14:01:55 »
I am sorry but I have no time for those who cheat on their spouses, I have seen far too much destruction and damage done to spouses and children in my own family so my answer may reflect that.

Of course you will be hurt and angry, he has done something terrible and it sounds as if he has done it or tried to do it before as well. I hope that his actions now are genuine and that he isn't just trying to get back into your favor by his reading the Bible etc. 

In your position, I would ask him to be completely honest with you. He clearly has very low morals and had been trying it on with other women before. It seems unlikely that this was his first indiscretion.Even if he didn't commit adultery before there may have been other sexual contacts with other women.
Only time will tell if he is genuinely going to change(and it will need to be a dramatic change in his morals and integrity from what you have said).
I would also say to him that if it ever happens again the marriage is over. He also needs to set clear strong boundaries with the opposite sex, a good book for that is called 'Hedges' by Jerry B Jenkins. Also to be completely open with his phones computer etc and look for another job. 

It will take a long time for you to be able to trust again, some never do/can.Some can never have sex with their spouse again. That's why God says that adultery is so serious.
I think some Christian marriage counseling may help you deal with this, and him to understand the depth of his betrayal.

 
« Last Edit: Tue May 23, 2017 - 15:36:39 by chosenone »

Offline hh2k12

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Re: Husband cheated
« Reply #2 on: Tue May 23, 2017 - 19:10:05 »
Thank you for your reply. I always said that if he cheated, I would leave.

He had an emotional affair a few years ago, and I had forgiven him for that. I have no doubts there were more.

I had given myself 6 months to make a decision. 6 months is only a few weeks away at this point (June). For most of the time, I had decided I would divorce at the 6 month mark. BUT God seems to have really come into his life over the last few weeks.

So ... that makes it more difficult. I am trying to determine what God would want me to do.

If he had already been a christian when this happened, I don't think I could move on. But he has since made big changes in his life. I am still very hurt though..

Offline chosenone

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Re: Husband cheated
« Reply #3 on: Wed May 24, 2017 - 01:17:26 »
Let God guide you and maybe give it more time. You have children to think of as well so it's more complicated. Biblically you have every reason to end this marriage, but only God knows the future and whether this will happen again.
It may be worth telling him that you know he hasn't told you the truth about all of his cheating and that unless you know all of it, you can't and won't carry on with the marriage. How can you really forgive if you don't know what you are forgiving? Even a kiss is unfaithfulness.
Whatever you do you will still feel very hurt and betrayed, that's normal, and the marriage won't be the same, but I do know people who have stayed and they seemed to have made something good out of the ashes. 

As you have some contacts at his work it may be a good idea to ask them from time to time if he has changed in his attitude to women there. If he has stopped chasing them.  Words are easy,its what we do that shows if the change has actually happened.
« Last Edit: Wed May 24, 2017 - 01:22:52 by chosenone »

Offline grams

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Re: Husband cheated
« Reply #4 on: Sat Jul 01, 2017 - 17:14:17 »


If  you can find a good church and a minister ,  to talk to this could  help your husband to

understand what GOD our Father  wants of us !

There are things that  the minister may be able to help with and make  your husband

understand what life is  about till we go home....

Heaven will be  Wonderful   ,  and maybe  the minister can explain  , that this time is so

different,  in comparison  to  our time in  eternity !     It would be nice if he understood the

choices  he has over   Heaven  and Hell ! 

Blessing to you both!

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Re: Husband cheated
« Reply #4 on: Sat Jul 01, 2017 - 17:14:17 »

Offline Johnb

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Re: Husband cheated
« Reply #5 on: Sat Jul 15, 2017 - 05:26:07 »
I new a guy very much like this many years ago.  It is hard to explain how one who loves their spouse can behave this way.  However with a loving wife and a rekindled faith in God we just celebrated our 49th anniversary .  Jerks do sometimes change.

Offline Yahu

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Re: Husband cheated
« Reply #6 on: Thu Aug 10, 2017 - 11:48:18 »
My husband cheated on me 6 months ago while I as 9 months pregnant. Literally one week before our daughter was born. He had sex with a girl 10 years younger than him (he is 30). It was a girl he worked with.
I was (and still am) very hurt by this. I actually found out about it the DAY it happened. So imagine the pain I felt being huge and pregnant knowing that my husband had just had sex with a strange girl 3 hours earlier.

I struggled with my hurt and depression for months on end. We fought everyday. I cried everyday. He said he was sorry and wanted to be with me. I didn't know what to do. I had a newborn (we also have an older child) and was just very stressed out.

During this time, I would get random emails from his coworkers saying that he was always talking about getting with other women. He would talk about womens breasts and bums. Tried to get with this girls twin sister first. Tried to get with other employees. There is really no telling how many times he cheated, even though he claims it was only this ONE day/time.

One day - about 7 weeks ago - my husband started picking up his bible. He asked me to go to church with him. This was weird for him because he had never lived a christian life. It the midst of all of this pain and hurt, its like God just came into our lives.

Since committing our lives to Christ, our marriage has done much better. I do feel like maybe we can work this out, especially considering that we were not christians at the time that this happened. I feel like I should give our marriage another chance, now that God is involved in it.

Even with God in my life, I am still struggling with the hurt and pain. I don't understand how he could do this to me while I was pregnant with his child. Images of them together pop up in my head ALL THE TIME, especially during sex. I need help and i don't know who to turn to. None of my close girlfriends are christians and my friends at church seem too new to spill all of this to.  Any advice?

So far, we are almost finished with the Love Dare. book. just fyi.

If your husband vowed exclusivity in his wedding vows, you have every right to be angry with him for breaking that vow.  If he didn't, you have no grounds for your anger.

If he asked for your forgiveness for his violation, you MUST forgive him.  That forgiveness frees you, not him.  It is your problem for carrying unforgiveness.  As a christian, you are not even to judge the non-believers so his actions prior to salvation are basically irrelevant.

My advice is quit focusing on your husband's issues and deal with your own problems.  Pull the beam from your own eye before worrying about the splinter in his.  I would also suggest you repent of your gossip against him and beg his forgiveness.  You are not honoring your husband with your actions.  How can you expect your husband to love you if you are not honoring him as your husband?

Offline mommydi

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Re: Husband cheated
« Reply #7 on: Thu Aug 10, 2017 - 13:45:01 »
If your husband vowed exclusivity in his wedding vows, you have every right to be angry with him for breaking that vow.  If he didn't, you have no grounds for your anger.

If he asked for your forgiveness for his violation, you MUST forgive him.  That forgiveness frees you, not him.  It is your problem for carrying unforgiveness.  As a christian, you are not even to judge the non-believers so his actions prior to salvation are basically irrelevant.

My advice is quit focusing on your husband's issues and deal with your own problems.  Pull the beam from your own eye before worrying about the splinter in his.  I would also suggest you repent of your gossip against him and beg his forgiveness.  You are not honoring your husband with your actions.  How can you expect your husband to love you if you are not honoring him as your husband?

Are you a cheater? Why I ask is, you seem very ready to blame this hurting woman and heap more guilt upon her instead of offering her compassion and gentle guidance.

Yahu or yahoo?  rofl 
« Last Edit: Thu Aug 10, 2017 - 13:47:39 by mommydi »

Offline Yahu

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Re: Husband cheated
« Reply #8 on: Thu Aug 10, 2017 - 19:07:20 »
Are you a cheater? Why I ask is, you seem very ready to blame this hurting woman and heap more guilt upon her instead of offering her compassion and gentle guidance.

Yahu or yahoo?  rofl
No, Im single.  I lost my wife over 25 years ago in a conflict against a high priestess of Ashtoreth (the goddess of Jezebel) and never remarried. 

As for a husband being a cheater, there is no such concept in biblical law.  A man was allowed multiple wives and concubines by the law.  Jacob wasn't cheating on Leah for taking on Rachel as a 2nd wife for example.  That is why I mentioned the exclusivity vow as part of the wedding vows as being an issue.  Biblically, adultery by a man was having sex with another man's wife or betrothed.  It had nothing to do with his marital status.

I have no compassion for women that gossip about their husbands to seek sympathy.  Gossip as a tool to punish is a major Jezebel tactic.

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Re: Husband cheated
« Reply #8 on: Thu Aug 10, 2017 - 19:07:20 »

Offline mommydi

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Re: Husband cheated
« Reply #9 on: Thu Aug 10, 2017 - 20:07:14 »
No, Im single.  I lost my wife over 25 years ago in a conflict against a high priestess of Ashtoreth (the goddess of Jezebel) and never remarried. 


You just had to bring up Jezebel, didn't you?  ::doh:: I can see this convo going downhill fast.

So did you punish your wife? If so, what kind of punishment did you portion out to her?

 

     
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