Author Topic: Husband hates family gatherings  (Read 826 times)

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Offline tryingishard

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Husband hates family gatherings
« on: Sat Dec 08, 2018 - 22:59:23 »
This seems so strange that I am writing about this and I've been married for 28 years. My husband does not like big family gatherings. This has always been a struggle at every gathering to get him to go. He would go reluctantly but it seems over the past 7 - 8 years he absolutely just refuses. He mostly refuses when it's at my parents house, not only is it that he doesn't like the 12 + people but because my mom's plans always change from the original plans, so if there were only 10 people coming when we get there then 18 people will be there, or we are suppose to be there 1:00 eating at 2 then that actually means people that we weren't even told are coming are late so therefore we are there at 1 but dinner isn't actually until 4 so it all just plays into why he doesn't like going. So we are having this dilemma again and I just never know what to do, I want to please my parents, it's nice to see family together once in awhile, but I see some of the reasons why my husband doesn't want to so I just feel so stuck in the middle. I do not like going alone, I am just not that way I don't know why but I just know if I tell my mom we aren't going she is going to be so angry.

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Husband hates family gatherings
« on: Sat Dec 08, 2018 - 22:59:23 »

Offline chosenone

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Re: Husband hates family gatherings
« Reply #1 on: Sun Dec 09, 2018 - 10:01:34 »
When you are married there are things that you do because its right to do them. You respect each others family and you go to family gatherings and make an effort to be seen to be being friendly and enjoying yourself because they are your spouses family and its the right thing to do. I have done that many times in the past.   
I am not sure how often you have these big family gatherings, I am assuming not that often, so he can surely make an effort to go for your sake. If he refuses, then I would go myself. Why should you miss out on seeing your family because of his selfishness?

Yes I am sure that your mum would be upset if you didn't go, she probably loves to see everyone. Its good for families to get together. 
« Last Edit: Sun Dec 09, 2018 - 10:04:22 by chosenone »

Offline grams

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Re: Husband hates family gatherings
« Reply #2 on: Mon Dec 10, 2018 - 10:54:53 »


Well,   ask him  if he will try one  more time...

By going  a hour later then you are supposed to be there.

So every thing is ready..... 

And  stay next to him as much as possible.
that may help ? 

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Re: Husband hates family gatherings
« Reply #2 on: Mon Dec 10, 2018 - 10:54:53 »

Offline tryingishard

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Re: Husband hates family gatherings
« Reply #3 on: Mon Dec 10, 2018 - 11:29:02 »
Thanks for the responses. I agree that he should should go because it's my family, however I do understand his concerns with my mom and her "sneaky" way of doing things. We do not have these often but we do see these people quite frequently so it's not like we don't but we don't see them all together very often especially over the last 7 or so years since everyone's families are growing and everyone has so many other places to be so this is the first with everyone there for quite some time. That is a good idea to stick near him although he knows everyone well so it's not like he's uncomfortable other than he does get uncomfortable when my dad and brother are around because all they talk about is their work and my hubby doesn't know anything about it and they kind of leave my hubby out of the conversations. We have been
dealing with this for so long and its been really hard, my husband is not a christian so it has been a rough road and he can be pretty frank and honestly doesn't take my feelings into consideration a lot of times. I have been praying about it

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Re: Husband hates family gatherings
« Reply #3 on: Mon Dec 10, 2018 - 11:29:02 »

Offline grams

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Re: Husband hates family gatherings
« Reply #4 on: Mon Dec 10, 2018 - 11:37:33 »
tryingishard

May be you could get the preacher to your house to talk to your husband?
That would make a big difference.........   If not the  preacher, maybe
some one you know who is into his bible and knows it well can  help?
That sure would be good.   Have some one come for a meal and have
them talk to him......  IF its a person who is saved and you can explain
to them  how your husband  is, so they would take it  slow and easy.

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Re: Husband hates family gatherings
« Reply #4 on: Mon Dec 10, 2018 - 11:37:33 »



Offline tryingishard

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Re: Husband hates family gatherings
« Reply #5 on: Mon Dec 10, 2018 - 13:15:56 »
Thanks for the reply, that would really make my husband angry. He is at a point where he does not like anyone to talk about God to him. He feels that when people do this they are pushing their religion on him and he strongly disagrees with it.  That is one reason my husband has issues with going to my parents. He doesn't have issues going places outside their home but whenever we go there my mom especially is giving us stuff to read about God or just gives us a bunch of stuff about God and he doesn't agree with someone doing that. He is ok when I talk about it some although I know that my actions speak louder than words so I just keep praying for him.

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Re: Husband hates family gatherings
« Reply #5 on: Mon Dec 10, 2018 - 13:15:56 »

Offline chosenone

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Re: Husband hates family gatherings
« Reply #6 on: Mon Dec 10, 2018 - 15:13:48 »
If he refuses then you can just go yourself.

Online mommydi

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Re: Husband hates family gatherings
« Reply #7 on: Mon Dec 10, 2018 - 16:09:12 »
Yeah, I agree with chosen. Go without him. At this point, there are only two choices - go without him or give up your family gatherings.

BTW, why are you referring to your mom's actions as "sneaky?" Unless I'm missing something, from your description, she sounds easy-going on plans/schedules - not sticking to exact number of people or exact time. Why is that sneaky?

Does your husband treat his family the same? Is his family required to have a rigid plan and schedule or he becomes upset?


Offline tryingishard

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Re: Husband hates family gatherings
« Reply #8 on: Mon Dec 10, 2018 - 21:58:01 »
I just don't feel right going myself, I don't know why, maybe because everyone else's spouses go, not sure, you're right if i don't then I give up the family gathering. No I'm not referring to her changing plans as sneaky, she has done a lot of things over the years where she knows how I, or my husband or children feel about something but then all of a sudden she will say something like, well I know you don't like this, or I know you don't want to do this BUT I did it anyways because I think you will like it. I mean there are lots of things she has done. Over the years when our kids were little we would tell our kids ok we are leaving now, well at that VERY moment all of a sudden after hours of being there, she would tell our kids, oh come here I want to show you something, oh do you want to go to the game room? or oh do you want more dessert? and she would do this where we couldn't always here and of course kids are going to say yea I want to go to the game room, or want more ice cream, they would disappear then find out when they were gone my mom would say, oh they wanted to go the game room ect. We had to talk to our kids eventually and say, when we say its time to go it's time to go, ask before you do anything grandma wants you to do. i know that's terrible but there is more. Don't get me wrong I love my parents but those are things I wouldn't do. It is harder for my husband because they probably had one family gathering his whole life which wasn't even really all their family, and it was when he was very young and doesn't remember, his parents never went to them, his dad didn't like to and his mom was from another country and had no family here anyways and had my husband  a little later in life, he is an only child so it was the 3 of them really.
As I said he doesn't have anything against doing things with them he just feels trapped like he knows she knows she has full control over everything if that makes sense.

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Re: Husband hates family gatherings
« Reply #8 on: Mon Dec 10, 2018 - 21:58:01 »

Online mommydi

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Re: Husband hates family gatherings
« Reply #9 on: Mon Dec 10, 2018 - 22:26:58 »

My mom and dad are in their 80s. When I stop by to see about them, my mom does the same thing as your mom does. When I start heading for the door, she'll say, "Oh, wait a minute. Come here, I need to show you something." She'll say or do things to get me to stay a bit longer. I don't consider it being sneaky. She loves her kids/grandkids, and wants to spend more time with us.

Offline tryingishard

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Re: Husband hates family gatherings
« Reply #10 on: Thu Dec 20, 2018 - 10:32:43 »
I guess you would have to know and understand my mother to understand when I say she is being sneaky.  There have been numerous occasions when they were growing up when my parents would ask us if they could take the kids to something, whenever we said no, she would call another time and want to talk to the kids then have the nerve to say something like, oh it's too bad you can't go to this with us, or down right say, we would really you to go maybe you can talk to mom and dad and see if they can make it work.
Anyways, getting back to the family gathering, with a lot of prayer my husband has some what happily agreed to go. Not really complaining so I'm just praying the Lord will bless him and all of our time together, blessing my parents and just praying this will be a great time for everyone.

Offline RB

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Re: Husband hates family gatherings
« Reply #11 on: Thu Dec 20, 2018 - 12:56:06 »
We have been dealing with this for so long and its been really hard, my husband is not a Christian so it has been a rough road and he can be pretty frank and honestly doesn't take my feelings into consideration a lot of times. I have been praying about it
I'm a man and a father and a father-in-law. My opinion is that your husband is very selfish and only thinks of himself, which we all are guilty to a certain degree~but good people work hard against being so self-centered. My own son is a loner, he's also self-centered. He does not think of other as much as he should, Two of my sons-in-law are loners and looser AS FAR AS relationships go.  I do not sit idly by without voicing my opinion about their selfish ways and why should I? Men are much more guilty of this selfish act than women are, it's a very common sin among men.

My daughters go without them, and it makes me very upset. My son is better, but still has a long way to improve. One of my son in laws has made "baby steps" to improve, so I won't get on to him.  It's not right, it's not fair and it's teaching their sons to be like them and some will.

Bottom line it is a disease among men and shame on them, only they can correct it, by ruling their spirit on not being so self-centered and self-absorbed about my own things and pleasing ME. Life is about pleasing others MORE than yourself. God first, others second and myself third. Good men live for others not for themselves. Self-Absorption~IS the Root of All (Psychological) Evil!  They hide who they are~ They will present the best and most captivating part of their personality to you. As they are so self-absorbed, they do not want you to see the hidden elements that make them feel secretly insecure. This can lead to them coming across as pretentious and them failing to be vulnerable in relationships. They are extremely selfish~ Every human is selfish. But there are many occasions when you have to make exceptions and take actions without expecting anything in return~And even if you never receive anything, you STILL give freely of yourself to others. This is not so for the self-absorbed person. They take but never give back very much, IF ANY. I feel sorry for women married to these losers. If you think I'm hard then you might not want to listen when I speak to those close to me, to provoke them to change.

« Last Edit: Thu Dec 20, 2018 - 13:51:32 by RB »

Offline grams

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Re: Husband hates family gatherings
« Reply #12 on: Mon Dec 24, 2018 - 16:11:37 »

How  about  you go to the church and talk to the minister ?????

And tell him  all  about this..........  and ask him first  if he can tell you

what to say to your husband...   If  you pick the right time to talk to him
it will help......  "the minister"  that is.       some times they are very busy
and may give you some thing to quick to work.....   so maybe  even a
phone  call ????  to find out  the best time  he has........

Offline p.progress

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Re: Husband hates family gatherings
« Reply #13 on: Sun Dec 30, 2018 - 16:25:51 »
Honor and respect your husband, and you can't go wrong.

I understand what you are communicating regarding your mother's 'sneaky' ways. That IS NOT kind or right on her part; rather it is disrespectful, and IS naturally taken as disrespect by your husband.

You say that he's not a believer. Then I don't expect from him the level of self-lessness and consideration as I expect from your professing mother.

I would have a frank talk with your husband, letting him know that you will follow his lead when it comes to going, how long you'll be staying, and when you'll be leaving your parents house.

You need to have a frank talk with your mother (and father perhaps). Explaining to them one of the main reasons your husband is not too keen on coming to these gatherings. Let them know that any underhanded tactics being played by mom, will automatically cause more of an issue with your husband; and that you will support him 100% in his decisions as to whether or not you all will come to the next outing.

Explain that if they say that the meal time will be at such and such time; that you expect it to be just that. If it is perpetually delayed, throwing monkey wrenches into whatever other plans you may have later that day with your own family. That you will be leaving at such and such a time nevertheless. Have a full meal ready yourself at home, so that you are not dependent on mom's dinner scheduling (the lack thereof).

It is sad that your mother takes such a cavalier approach to your husband. He is an unbeliever. She should show selflessness on her part and walk wisely concerning him.

If he were to see your mother display a sensitivity to him, to get the meals on time, to not undermine your will regarding the children, and whatever else she does that communicates disrespect for him. That...THAT will go a long way to causing him to be more amiable to these family gatherings. 


« Last Edit: Sun Dec 30, 2018 - 16:28:23 by p.progress »