I filed for divorce, then I changed my mind. How do I get her back?

[dallasapple]

Ask her if she would attend counseling with you.

A Christian, licensed counselor - not a pastor (unless she is licensed as a therapist).

Without speaking with her, any ideas I might give you would be given in the dark.

Maybe it is time to try that again. The last time I asked she said no, but that was a while back.

Maybe you should get into counseling on your own?And later ask her to join you.If she knows you are willing to work on yourself regardless of what she decides she will trust you more.

Love

Dallas

[LuvnHim]

Ask her if she would attend counseling with you.

A Christian, licensed counselor - not a pastor (unless she is licensed as a therapist).

Without speaking with her, any ideas I might give you would be given in the dark.

Maybe it is time to try that again. The last time I asked she said no, but that was a while back.

Maybe you should get into counseling on your own?And later ask her to join you.If she knows you are willing to work on yourself regardless of what she decides she will trust you more.

Love

Dallas

This is actually some solid advice.  Leave your wife in God's able hands & start seeking Him on how to be the best husband/servant to Him you can be. 

Christian counseling for yourself could turn into couples counseling...but don't do it for that reason.  Do it to get yourself on the righteous path.

In essence...get right with God.

[Carwhisperer]

I agree that getting right with God is what I need to do. However, I'm not convinced that paid counseling is the way to go. My past experience with counselor's is that their goal is to keep you talking for 50 minutes so that they can collect the fee. I've never found one that I feel truly wants to help, let alone can actually help. OTOH, I have found pastors to be quite helpful. I am meeting once a week with my pastor now. He is keeping me accountable to some vows I made to my wife during this separation. That is why I asked earlier if anyone knew of a good counselor in my area. My cheapskate side doesn't want to spend $150 to find out if someone is any good. I know of 3 or 4 bad ones, though. I am also planning to attend a new men's group that is starting at our church.

Also, my wife has a pastor friend in Oregon that is praying for us and has offered to visit us down here in California. I've offered to fly him down. He is willing to come. But so far my wife does not seem to be interested.

Brian

[chosenone]

All you can do is keep on praying and ask others to pray (not your young daughter). She may not change her mind, but that is a consequense of what you did. She may change her mind but that is her decision.
How far down the line is the divorce process? Will it be completed soon?. Does she want it done quickly?

[Carwhisperer]

All you can do is keep on praying and ask others to pray (not your young daughter). She may not change her mind, but that is a consequense of what you did. She may change her mind but that is her decision.
How far down the line is the divorce process? Will it be completed soon?. Does she want it done quickly?

I'm glad you asked that. I really don't know how the process works. I filed for divorce on June 18th, 2009. So the soonest it could be final is December 18th. I have received a couple of letters from her attorney, regarding support and custody, but I don't believe anything has been filed with the court. If neither her nor I take any action, does the divorce finalize itself automatically? If not, what must be done for it to be final? Of course I'm not going to do anything to move it forward, and I'm hoping and praying that she doesn't either.

I have been giving her money the last few times I saw her. I gave her some fresh vegetables from my Dad the other day. Last night at soccer practice she gave me some wonderful Indian food she had made with the vegetables. So at least it looks like we are moving toward friendship, which seems to me to be a blessing from God.

[chosenone]

I am from the UK so I dont know about the system there. You need to ask for some legal advice to find out. if you have got letters it looks as if she is persuing it, but that can change. Have you actually told your attourney that you no longer want this divorce?if you havent then I would do that asap.

[Carwhisperer]

I am from the UK so I dont know about the system there. You need to ask for some legal advice to find out. if you have got letters it looks as if she is persuing it, but that can change. Have you actually told your attourney that you no longer want this divorce?if you havent then I would do that asap.

I don't have an attorney. But I have told my wife I don't want it and have asked for her signature to stop it, but she said no. That was a couple of months ago.

[LuvnHim]

I agree that getting right with God is what I need to do. However, I'm not convinced that paid counseling is the way to go. My past experience with counselor's is that their goal is to keep you talking for 50 minutes so that they can collect the fee. I've never found one that I feel truly wants to help, let alone can actually help. OTOH, I have found pastors to be quite helpful. I am meeting once a week with my pastor now. He is keeping me accountable to some vows I made to my wife during this separation. That is why I asked earlier if anyone knew of a good counselor in my area. My cheapskate side doesn't want to spend $150 to find out if someone is any good. I know of 3 or 4 bad ones, though. I am also planning to attend a new men's group that is starting at our church.

Also, my wife has a pastor friend in Oregon that is praying for us and has offered to visit us down here in California. I've offered to fly him down. He is willing to come. But so far my wife does not seem to be interested.

Brian

Actually Brian sticking w/your Pastor should be good.  The best advice for life you can find is in God's Word.  Should you have any questions on anything your Pastor should be more than equipped to help you.

I don't see any reason why you would need to part w/the money to a counselor it seems to me that you are heading in the right direction.

My thoughts in asking your daughter to pray is that it's a wonderful idea!  I would refrain from asking her to pray for specific issues you may have w/your wife.  I think you know that already though.  But asking her to pray for Mom's emotional, spiritual & physical health is good, to pray for Mom to be open to His guidance, etc is perfectly fine.

My husband asked our daughters to pray for me...he actually asked them to pray for us to be reconciled.  When our girls & I were praying together one night during our separation I asked them to say their own words of prayer...each one of them prayed for Mommy & Daddy fall in love again.  It sort of made me angry at the time, had God not had my attention it could have backfired...but in the end their prayers were answered.

My husband also asked me for a divorce & then changed his mind.  So we were in a similar situation.

Praying for you all.

God bless!

[chosenone]

I really think you need some legal advice, otherwise how will you know what is going on?. I still think that asking any young child to pray for their parents to reconcile is a REALLY bad and selfish idea, especially if the one doing the asking is the one who started it all off.
It may make her turn against her mum and blame her if you dont get back togather. She will have enough to cope with, without involving her in this way. Just tell her the truth, that you started it off and saw another women,but now you dont want the divorce but that her mum is hurt and does. then leave it to her as to if and how she prays.Dont manipulatre her in this way.

[Carwhisperer]

were answered.

My husband also asked me for a divorce & then changed his mind.  So we were in a similar situation.

Praying for you all.

God bless!

I am so glad to hear from someone that has been through this, especially from the woman's side! What did your husband do or not do that made you want to reconcile? What could he have done better once he changed his mind and wanted to reconcile? Can you give me more details about your story?

[LuvnHim]

In our case my DH didn't actually file for divorce.  He spent 6 months telling me he wanted a divorce & basically emotionally divorcing me.

Finally it was either lose my sanity or leave.  So I found a house to rent & our (at the time) 4 girls & I moved out.

I basically got to the point where I was ready to move on from our marriage.  I was just really, really drained by the whole thing.

About a week before I was scheduled to move my husband came to me & told me he changed his mind.  He agreed we should still separate but he said he did not want to divorce.

I had pretty much hardened my heart to him by that point.

He was very insistant.  At first I tried to reconcile with him even though I wasn't feeling it.  It didn't appear that he had made any changes in his life.  He just wanted us to go back to the way we were before he met the OW online & pretend none of it happened.

I couldn't do that.  I needed to know that our past wasn't our future.  I didn't see that happening so I told him I was moving on.

He would call me several times a day...at work, at home, in the middle of the night.  This big tough guy would cry like a baby begging me to give him another chance.  That really turned me off.  It felt like manipulation.

He'd follow me sometimes...watching me. 

A day went by where I didn't hear from him...then a whole weekend.  Then he showed up at my house to tell me that he had accepted Christ as Lord & Savior.  I was already a believer & was very excited about his news.  He excitedly told me about how it all came about...it was an answer to prayers.

That warmed my heart somewhat.

But he continued to be very overbearing...overwhelmi ng.

Finally the guys in his bible study group told him he needed to leave me in God's hands & just get to his knees & humbly pray for our marriage.  Pray for change in his heart, my heart & to make us one in Him.  But they told him he was not letting go & letting God do his thing...they told him basically to hand the reins over to God.

He did & he left me alone.  He told me his plan, he stopped calling, stopped following me, stopped stopping by unexpectedly.  He stopped trying to force me to return to him basically. 

After about a week or two he then called me & asked me to go on a date with him one day.  I went...he was an amazing gentlemen.  There was no pressure about our marriage, it was just a beautiful relaxing & enjoyable date...dinner & a movie.

Another day he asked if he could have supper with us.  I told him that would be great.  He stopped by the house an hour before I was to be done w/work...he made an awesome tasty supper...taco salad...lol...w/all the fixings...I came home & the table was set by him, the girls were sitting at the table waiting for me.  I sat down & he served us our dinner...it was so sweet!

He cleaned up the kitchen w/the girls' help telling me to sit & relax & enjoy some alone time.  He then gave me a hug, said he loved me & he left.  I was blown away.

He basically went back to basics all the while praying & telling anyone & everyone to pray as well.  You can't imagine how many came to us after our reconciliaton to tell us how excited they were we made it...they had prayed. 

Just a warning.  It took a little while for my DH to get me to even go on a date with him.  I guess when I saw he was serious about backing off & giving me space to think & breath I finally went on a date with him.  He never got angry when I turned him down, didn't let his frustration show...he just said okay...I understand.  He'd wait a week sometimes two & then he'd ask again.

On the first date I was very impressed but I was still wary so I didn't show it.  I was still waiting to see if he was for real.  He'd done the up & down thing with me so many times over the years it was tough for me to let my guard down.

Change is something that is hard to fake.  I was waiting for a "facade" to show.  So I was tough on him...I was stiff, cold & wary at first.  I'm sure he got frustrated...I think we even argued once during that time...but for the most part God kept at my heart...and he stayed out of His way & drew on God's strength to not give up. 

We've had another daughter since reconciling 5 years ago.  God's brought my DH & I through a lot.  We still have battles but nothing we haven't been able to overcome with God's help.  Keeping God as the center is seriously important!

Praying you find your way Brian.

God bless...

[Carwhisperer]

Thank you very much. Your story is very helpful to me.

I have asked her on a few dates. Mostly I ask by voice mail. The only time I get to see her in person is at church, when we are doing the daughter exchange thing and soccer practice. None of these are conducive to any real conversation. I don't ask in person because I don't want to make her uncomfortable at these times. She doesn't answer my voicemail messages or emails. When I have gotten an answer it has been no.

How did you and your husband communicate during the separation? Would you answer the phone?

During our separation I did have romantic involvement with 2 other women. This was weeks after she had moved out. She does know this. I'm guessing this might be different than your situation.

During our marriage she had told me at various times that she could probably forgive an affair. I've asked her if she still could. She says she thinks that I did what I did thinking that she would just take me back. But that is not the case. I thought things were over for good before I moved on to having relations with other women. It was after that that I realized what a fool I was and sought reconciliation. I've told her this, too.

I am finding people to pray. I should keep trying to find more.

 

[LuvnHim]

Thank you very much. Your story is very helpful to me.

I have asked her on a few dates. Mostly I ask by voice mail. The only time I get to see her in person is at church, when we are doing the daughter exchange thing and soccer practice. None of these are conducive to any real conversation. I don't ask in person because I don't want to make her uncomfortable at these times. She doesn't answer my voicemail messages or emails. When I have gotten an answer it has been no.

How did you and your husband communicate during the separation? Would you answer the phone?

During our separation I did have romantic involvement with 2 other women. This was weeks after she had moved out. She does know this. I'm guessing this might be different than your situation.

During our marriage she had told me at various times that she could probably forgive an affair. I've asked her if she still could. She says she thinks that I did what I did thinking that she would just take me back. But that is not the case. I thought things were over for good before I moved on to having relations with other women. It was after that that I realized what a fool I was and sought reconciliation. I've told her this, too.

I am finding people to pray. I should keep trying to find more.

 

Did you at any point tell her that you thought it was over & that's why you saw the other two women?

Is it possible she thinks you are making excuses for those relationships?

Have you told her flat out that you were wrong, completely wrong & take full responsibility for your actions & that you desire to have her forgiveness?  Let her know regardless if you get back together or not your desire is that she will be able to forgive you for your hurtful actions.

My DH came right out & said something like...I don't know what the future brings for us, I pray it is reconciliation, but I need to take time to work on my heart so I can be the husband God wants me to be so I'm going to focus on that & leave you in God's capable hands.  I'll be praying for you, that you will heal from the hurt I have caused you, because no matter what happens to our marriage I want you to be whole & happy.
Of course I saw it as a ploy...but he did exactly that. 

It's possible your wife needs to hear from you that you are focusing on your heart. 

As a side note, know that whatever part she had in the break down of the marriage God is working out in her heart as well (it truly does take two, I had/have issues to work out in our marriage as well...as does she!).  So it's not like you are taking all the blame, you are just taking responsibility for your part & getting right with God.

Then let go of her.  Let her know you want reconciliation & would like to start all over, but that you are going to let her set the pace...ask her to contact you when she is ready.  Let her know you love her, you want the very best for her regardless what that is & that you are going to be faithfully working on your part in the marriage while she takes this time to figure things out.

Then leave her in God's hands.

And get yourself in His word daily.  Ask Him to reveal Himself to you & His plan for you.  Seek, seek, seek Him!

[Carwhisperer]

1. Did you at any point tell her that you thought it was over & that's why you saw the other two women?

2. Is it possible she thinks you are making excuses for those relationships?

3. Have you told her flat out that you were wrong, completely wrong & take full responsibility for your actions & that you desire to have her forgiveness?  Let her know regardless if you get back together or not your desire is that she will be able to forgive you for your hurtful actions.

Then leave her in God's hands.

And get yourself in His word daily.  Ask Him to reveal Himself to you & His plan for you.  Seek, seek, seek Him!

1. Yes.
2. She might,  but I don't think I am.
3. Yes

On Friday she got a flat tire. She called me instead of the tow truck. Yay! Of course I went and took care of it for her, even though I had to leave work (I was supervising a football game at the high school where I work).

While changing the tire I brought up getting her a new car again. She was open to it and we talked about that over the weekend a couple of times. On Sunday morning, on the advice of a Pastor Friend, I asked her what she would need to see before she could consider reconciliation. She said she would need to see 2 years of fruit in my life. She had said something like this a couple of months back. I said OK. I said that I would wait for her.

I'm hoping, praying and working toward my life producing fruit. Of course I'm hoping that 2 years will become 6 months or less and that she will stop the divorce in the meantime. Meanwhile, I'm working on being at peace with waiting while working on my relationship with God.

On a side note, I've found ( by hearing other's stories and my own experience) that asking for reconciliation for the sake of the children doesn't get you any where. I am immensely concerned about our 11 year old daughter in this. My belief is that just about any home with Mommy and Daddy is better than a broken home. That would be barring physical abuse, name calling, ongoing unfaithfulness, etc. I know she used to believe this as well. Why does it seem to be so poisonous to the conversation to mention the well being of the children? Shouldn't their well being be part of the conversation for a wife who loves her children? Doesn't God want to see families stay together partly because it is better for the kids?

[chosenone]

Its not always better for the kids though. My husbands parents marriage was unhappy, and all he can remember from his whole childhood was arguing and bikering and it affected him very deeply. They more or less lived seperate lives in the same house with seperate rooms.
Also his mother put all of her emotional needs on him, as the oldest son and he felt like her surrogate husnband. He would have been far happier and less badly affected if they have divorced when he was small instead of waiting till he was an adult.All he saw was a dysfunctional marriage and learnt nothing about what a godly marriage should be like(and his parents were Christians).
So it does vary. Sometimes it is better to be together for the children and sometimes not.