I have been married for nine years and three weeks ago my wife said she wants a divorce. she say's she has never felt a connection (which is something, i feel, is untrue). I haven't been the best husband, I must admit but there has never been any cheating on my part. I have been blind to my wifes needs after for nine years and didn't realize it until she was done.
My wife has had a hard life and is in therapy right now. Actually she was doing sand therapy and said she felt different after that session. Her therapist doesn't agree with what she is doing. In a nutshell she has never experienced any freedom and say's she wants to be selfish for now, and has nothing left to give anyone besides our daughter, and is seeing someone. She realizes that asking me to be her best friend is selfish.
She thinks that if she lets me back in we'll be in the same spot in six months, and she doesn't trust me emotionally, and feels nothing for me romantically for me. I'm ashamed of myself for never loving my wife the way a woman should be loved, and I was never the spiritual leader in our relationship. I have seen the error of my ways and want to be a real husband-and yes it took me nine years! Will I truly redeem myself here by sticking by her side, and crying my eyes out, feeling ripped apart (feeling what she felt for 9 years)? Also, she says she's not filing papers out of respect for my feelings. We also have an adopted three year old who knows that there is something going on, and really feel sad that we can't be a true family unit.
i'm not mr. Innocent but what she's doing doesnt sit right with me. The only thing that feels righ to me is to stand by her side and show support-is that pathetic or just someone who loves his wife unconditionally? I feel if i give her hell i'm only going to push her away. Right now she's sick and i'm taking care of her-that man isn't going to do that. Also, she said last night that she misses me and two days ago that she loves me. No one supports her in this and i feel like a fool for still loving her. I've seen it written all over her face that she still has feelings, and doesn't want to hear that our marriage is salvageable. This man is going through a divorce himself- Speaking of this man, she says he had nothing to do with out split and was after the fact.
She get's so so angry that I've found God in my desperation, and that I acknowledge now what I wasn't giving her. My feelings are shame, regret, the deepest love that I have felt for anyone for her, and a real relationship with God. What can I do to show her That I've changed? when I was 17 I formed a dependency to marijuana and acid, and became an addict. Went to a shelter for help and got clean literally-haven't touched a drug for for 12-13 years. I was in the shower today and had a reflection of my lack of communication, and lack of intimacy, among other things through our marriage and realized that even though I'm clean-I still carry the behaviors. I've never cried so hard in my life, and literally felt a weight lifted off my chest. I thought I was going to vomit it hit me so hard, In the midst of losing my wife I've never had so many emotions and feelings, and I'm grateful for them. I am so ashamed for what I've done to her, and have put her through hell-I am probably feeling the same way she felt throughout. I haven't mentioned this discovery for many reasons, one being she needs actions!! We are still a family and are best friends-seriously. That being said. She still wants a divorce. "if we get back together I want a clean slate and have the wedding I've always wanted. If not I'll probably never marry again"-her words. I have formed a relationship with God, who has always been there but I wanted a relationship with him/her on my terms.She (wife) can't promise reconciliation for reasons of not wanting to be in limbo. So, I give her her space, don't pry, don't ask her where she is going, and give her respect. When I pray I hear (not audibly) "work on yourself, work on yourself, but don't lose faith, it'll be taken care of". I made a vow to God to always serve my wife-she will always be my wife in my eyes-meaning to not be unfaithful, or date but to work on myself. I am now stuck with the fact that our lack of connection/intimacy, and not giving meaningful answers, not doing all the things that loving husbands should do is the result of unattended addictive behaviors. she needs me here through her journey but not as her husband. Also, she says reconciliation may take a while. What about this other man she openly admitted sleeping with and states she can't let go of right now? Although she states she's not in it with him for the long haul but he is the only one right now that doesn't judge her. She says he told her if your marriage can be fixed than fix it-he's a good guy. that didn't stop this good guy from causing me the same pain that his wife (now divorcing) supposedly caused him. I know my job to my wife and the vow I made to God but sometimes my feelings get in the way...
also, I've been so detached from god that that feeling of us getting back together and that voice that tells me everything will be ok is just my unrealistic optimism. The only power I have right now is to pray and just talk to him/her-when the bible gets involved I feel for right now it's a barrier between him and I. I don't even know how to read it . I forgot to mention that her major is religion.
she doesnt understand why im so upset about divorcing, she says the only thing we're losing is sex. that really hurts my feelings. it just doesnt feel right even thinking of a divorce, it also does.t feel right not to fight......why do i love her more and more each day? another thing is she doesnt see her fling as cheating because marriage is just a piece of paper.. thanks for reading