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Offline d8n0g

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need some sound advice
« on: Mon Dec 12, 2011 - 09:10:19 »
I have been married for nine years and three weeks ago my wife said she wants a divorce. she say's she has never felt a connection (which is something, i feel, is untrue). I haven't been the best husband, I must admit but there has never been any cheating on my part. I have been blind to my wifes needs after for nine years and didn't realize it until she was done.

My wife has had a hard life and is in therapy right now. Actually she was doing sand therapy and said she felt different after that session. Her therapist doesn't agree with what she is doing. In a nutshell she has never experienced any freedom and say's she wants to be selfish for now, and has nothing left to give anyone besides our daughter, and is seeing someone. She realizes that asking me to be her best friend is selfish.

She thinks that if she lets me back in we'll be in the same spot in six months, and she doesn't trust me emotionally, and feels nothing for me romantically for me. I'm ashamed of myself for never loving my wife the way a woman should be loved, and I was never the spiritual leader in our relationship. I have seen the error of my ways and want to be a real husband-and yes it took me nine years! Will I truly redeem myself here by sticking by her side, and crying my eyes out, feeling ripped apart (feeling what she felt for 9 years)? Also, she says she's not filing papers out of respect for my feelings. We also have an adopted three year old who knows that there is something going on, and really feel sad that we can't be a true family unit.

i'm not mr. Innocent but what she's doing doesnt sit right with me. The only thing that feels righ to me is to stand by her side and show support-is that pathetic or just someone who loves his wife unconditionally? I feel if i give her hell i'm only going to push her away. Right now she's sick and i'm taking care of her-that man isn't going to do that. Also, she said last night that she misses me and two days ago that she loves me. No one supports her in this and i feel like a fool for still loving her. I've seen it written all over her face that she still has feelings, and doesn't want to hear that our marriage is salvageable. This man is going through a divorce himself- Speaking of this man, she says he had nothing to do with out split and was after the fact.

She get's so so angry that I've found God in my desperation, and that I acknowledge now what I wasn't giving her. My feelings are shame, regret, the deepest love that I have felt for anyone for her, and a real relationship with God. What can I do to show her That I've changed? when I was 17 I formed a dependency to marijuana and acid, and became an addict. Went to a shelter for help and got clean literally-haven't touched a drug for for 12-13 years. I was in the shower today and had a reflection of my lack of communication, and lack of intimacy, among other things through our marriage and realized that even though I'm clean-I still carry the behaviors. I've never cried so hard in my life, and literally felt a weight lifted off my chest. I thought I was going to vomit it hit me so hard, In the midst of losing my wife I've never had so many emotions and feelings, and I'm grateful for them. I am so ashamed for what I've done to her, and have put her through hell-I am probably feeling the same way she felt throughout. I haven't mentioned this discovery for many reasons, one being she needs actions!! We are still a family and are best friends-seriously. That being said. She still wants a divorce. "if we get back together I want a clean slate and have the wedding I've always wanted. If not I'll probably never marry again"-her words. I have formed a relationship with God, who has always been there but I wanted a relationship with him/her on my terms.She (wife) can't promise reconciliation for reasons of not wanting to be in limbo. So, I give her her space, don't pry, don't ask her where she is going, and give her respect. When I pray I hear (not audibly) "work on yourself, work on yourself, but don't lose faith, it'll be taken care of". I made a vow to God to always serve my wife-she will always be my wife in my eyes-meaning to not be unfaithful, or date but to work on myself. I am now stuck with the fact that our lack of connection/intimacy, and not giving meaningful answers, not doing all the things that loving husbands should do is the result of unattended addictive behaviors. she needs me here through her journey but not as her husband. Also, she says reconciliation may take a while.  What about this other man she openly admitted sleeping with and states she can't let go of right now? Although she states she's not in it with him for the long haul but he is the only one right now that doesn't judge her. She says he told her if your marriage can be fixed than fix it-he's a good guy. that didn't stop this good guy from causing me the same pain that his wife (now divorcing) supposedly caused him. I know my job to my wife and the vow I made to God but sometimes my feelings get in the way...

also, I've been so detached from god that that feeling of us getting back together and that voice that tells me everything will be ok is just my unrealistic optimism. The only power I have right now is to pray and just talk to him/her-when the bible gets involved I feel for right now it's a barrier between him and I. I don't even know how to read it . I forgot to mention that her major is religion. 
 
      she doesnt understand why im so upset about divorcing, she says the only thing we're losing is sex. that really hurts my feelings. it just doesnt feel right even thinking of a divorce, it also does.t feel right not to fight......why do i love her more and more each day?  another thing is she doesnt see her fling as cheating because marriage is just a piece of paper..  thanks for reading

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need some sound advice
« on: Mon Dec 12, 2011 - 09:10:19 »

Offline chosenone

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Re: need some sound advice
« Reply #1 on: Mon Dec 12, 2011 - 09:47:08 »
Hi
Well she is cheating and is ending a marriage for no Biblical reason. However as she isnt a believer I guess she wont see it that way.I may sound cynical but the old 'We never had a connection'. or 'we were never right for each other' or 'I never really loved you' is what people who are cheating say. Your marriage will never be healed or have any hope while she is having this affair. She is doing what many who committ adultery are doing, she is wanting you and him and you seem to be enabling it. Yes you will be blamed for her affair, thats what always happens. I am sure you have made mistakes, we all do, because none of us are perfect, but she is making an enormous mistake now.He is also cheating as he also is married. If she really wants a reconciliation then this affair needs to stop NOW, not when she 'feels' like it. 

I am now going to cut and paste a brilliant post by another member here that is relevent to you. Take the advise given if I were you. You can only do the right thing now by getting closer to God but you arent responsible for her decisions. Please dont allow her to blame you for everything, thats rarely the case in a marriage.

Here is the post that someone else put as a  reply to another man called tomcat, I think its very wise

...

Hey there Tom
I think another poster suggested to you earlier that you should try reading Dobson's Love must be tough book....it completely changed my thinking on relationships.   I'm no expert but in all your posts, I can see a real flaw in how you deal with your wife....simply, you're too available.   She will keep on doing this simply because she knows that she can and that no matter what she throws at you, you will always be there, always hoping for a reconciliation.  

Dobson talks about this a lot and says it's totally the wrong approach - if you love someone and they continue to treat you like garbage, you do not continue to lay at their door, begging for mercy.  You HAVE to set some boundaries and be tough and non-negotiable and you never, ever beg for a new chance, a fresh start,  because all that does is create even less respect in the errant spouse's mind.    

She won't change because you have not given her a reason to....she knows she can do whatever she likes, ...and all the while, you're still there, waiting to have her back on HER terms.    I don't believe that is a Biblical or Godly way to approach this.

You need to get to a point where you put some boundaries in place and you pick up the pieces of your life and you give the appearrance of moving on, even if in your heart you still believe there is hope.  

You tell her, I love you and I wanted this to work but it is clear it won't, so I am now getting on with my life and I am going to move forward into the future God has for me.  If you feel it's the right thing to do, then initiate that divorce....and even though your heart is breaking, do not let her know that.  You have already told her so many times that you want this to work and she keeps throwing it back in your face.....but the fact that she got upset when you were dancing with another woman, tells me all I need to know.   She doesn't act as though she wants you, but she sure aint going to let anyone else have you too.  

Tough!    

She cannot have it both ways....and if you want even the smallest chance of this EVER working out, then you have to practice loving toughness.

I can almost guarantee it....as soon as you start to move on and leave her behind....you will see something change.   There are no guarantees of course....but there is a fundamental part of human nature that ALWAYS wants what it can't have.   Honestly....it's some of the best advice I have ever been given.

I have seen this happen in some friends' marriage.  They had been together for years and years and then she got in touch with her first boyfriend through Facebook and started an affair.  Her husband found out and was devastated but would have done anything to have her back.   He pleaded, begged, bought her flowers...even bought her a new car and get this, allowed her to stay with the boyfriend during the week and come home to him at weekends.  He would have done anything....and wow, was she having her cake and eating it.  What woman wouldn't want to be equally adored by two men like this...what garbage!    He eventually realised what she was doing and after much prayer, decided to take the big risk of being tough.   He told her she was no longer welcome home at weekends, and if she had chosen the boyfriend, she must go to him.   He put boundaries in place, said she could see the kids whenever she wanted but she had to call first and not just turn up and let herself in whenever she felt like it.    And then he gave the appearance of moving on with his life and he waited and he waited and he waited.   And he despiared that it would ever work....but then one day, she came home.   It wasn't the begging or the pleading that did it, but the boundaries.  He said, 'Ok, you've made your choice....go for it.  You can have him, sure, but you sure cannot have me TOO'.    They are now fully reconciled.  

Blessings to you!
  
 
      

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« Last Edit: Mon Dec 12, 2011 - 11:02:37 by chosenone »

Offline anx

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Re: need some sound advice
« Reply #2 on: Mon Dec 12, 2011 - 12:29:10 »
I will post more later when I have time, but I thought I would give you a link to my story.
 http://www.gracecentered.com/christian_forums/christian-marriage-forum/potential-second-separation/

I think we have a lot of similarities, and I think my wife will move back in soon.

Do not give up on your marriage. Your wife is too hurt and broken for a marriage right now. However, in a year to two when she heals things can heal. Try to stop any divorce and wait. Get close to God and read books and the bible. In this time become the man you need to be.

I don't agree that your wife is cheating. She might be, but mine said the same thing your wife did and it was out of hurt and giving up. If she is cheating, that's a different story. I hope she isn't.

I'll post more later, but for now, don't give up. Trust me that she can heal.

Blessings

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Re: need some sound advice
« Reply #2 on: Mon Dec 12, 2011 - 12:29:10 »

Offline chosenone

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Re: need some sound advice
« Reply #3 on: Mon Dec 12, 2011 - 12:42:35 »
anx
The op said that his wife has openly admitted to sleeping with this man.

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Re: need some sound advice
« Reply #3 on: Mon Dec 12, 2011 - 12:42:35 »

Offline d8n0g

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Re: need some sound advice
« Reply #4 on: Mon Dec 12, 2011 - 12:52:49 »
thats true.  i think it was only once but thats quite enough.  i keep letting my emotions get the best of me.  she feels shunned by her family and friends because they dont support her.  i will say this-the bar/club she goes to the bartender asked her why why she come there, she's much better than that.  turns out this guy was a youth pastor.  i keep praying the hedge of thorns and asking god for somen to cross paths with her that is a lover of marriage.  the guy she slept with hasnt seen her in 2weeks?

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Re: need some sound advice
« Reply #4 on: Mon Dec 12, 2011 - 12:52:49 »



Offline anx

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Re: need some sound advice
« Reply #5 on: Mon Dec 12, 2011 - 14:51:16 »
Sorry, I missed that.

I think you marriage can be fixed, but it will take enormous growth from you both. I 100% agree with the love must be tough book. This will take 1-2 years to fix.

I still think our stories have a ton of similarities other than the cheating.

Your wife is hurt and messed up now. Some of that is your fault. A lot was there before hand as well.

I would seriously consider what happens next. Fixing this will be very hard, but also very possible with the grace of God in time. Do you still want this enough to do that work? Cheating would almost certainly ended my will to do the very hard work. Only you can answer that. Do not pursue this if you cannot forgive or move past this in the future. Do you still want your wife and are you ready to work hard? If not, 1-2 years would be about the same time to find someone else depending.

Also, she may very much decide that she is done. She has already cheated, so returning to a Godly lifestyle is something she may have a ton of guilt and shame about. She may not be at all interested in that.

Blessings


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Re: need some sound advice
« Reply #5 on: Mon Dec 12, 2011 - 14:51:16 »

Offline d8n0g

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Re: need some sound advice
« Reply #6 on: Mon Dec 12, 2011 - 15:55:20 »
could someone tell me the psychological effects of no one-absolutely no one supporting her decisions and taking my side.  she feels shunned.  this doesnt make me happy because she has no one and i want to be there for her.  is that non support in my favor.  shes at her brothers talking to him and im sure he's giving her an earfull....

Offline chosenone

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Re: need some sound advice
« Reply #7 on: Mon Dec 12, 2011 - 16:18:54 »
If not even her family supports what she is doing, surely that is proof that she is acting very badly.She is a married lady with a small adopted child and she is intent on breaking up the marriage. For her childs sake alone she needs to stop seeing this other man and make this marriage work. I think it may do her good to hear her family trying to bring her to her senses, and I respect them for it actually.
In my husbands case, even though his former wife was cheating and divorcing him, her family still acted as if he was the one who was acting badly and he had no more contact with any of them after 23 years. Her family seem to have more sense,and a greater sense of fairness and after all, what does she expect?

Offline d8n0g

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Re: need some sound advice
« Reply #8 on: Tue Dec 13, 2011 - 06:03:05 »
well in that non support, she just feels that no one understands her, our dynamic, and are just old school.  she feels while in therapy during this awakening she grow as my wife and this divorce will set her free?  its not her therapist-she said this is not a good idea.  in a nutshell while raising her brothers and her mom and not living as single as a young adult she feels she needs alone time.  i think this awakening (which i believe is real), is making her lose track of her priorities.  she said that if this divorce is a sour one i.e. bitter, cold, and not being best friends will be my fault.  im not the one who made our house feel like a wet blanket.
    im going out of town on thursday and wont be back until christmas eve and my daughter is coming.  maybe this will wake her up.  i told my wife to take a good look at our house while we are away and deal with the silence because thats how it will be after the divorce......

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Re: need some sound advice
« Reply #8 on: Tue Dec 13, 2011 - 06:03:05 »

Offline chosenone

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Re: need some sound advice
« Reply #9 on: Tue Dec 13, 2011 - 07:11:15 »
If she wants a divorce then she needs to be the one who leaves the house in my opinion.
This seems to be the new thing for some  women these days, that they need to 'find' themsleves or have their 'freedom',and in order to do this they have to leave their husbands!!!!Its all a lie from Satan, desnigned to destroy families. Where in the Bible does it say that we are to leave marriages for any other reason except sexual immorality? Its all so selfish, and children are being so damaged as a result. In doing what she wants to do, she will in fact be going down the path that leads to destruction. Now if she wants to be free, then why is she seeing this other man? Or is it that she just wants the freedom to go out with other men?

I think you are doing the right thing by being firm, she will need to know the conseqenses of what she is intending which will be being a  single mother, having far less money, less security and no support from you apart from as a dad to your daughter. She cant have her cake and eat it, its you or him.
It doesnt surprise me that she isnt being given any support. She is wanting to destroy a family.She has committed adultery. If she were one of my close friends, I would be telling her to stop all this nonsense and be the best wife and mum that she can be.To put all of her energies into that.
« Last Edit: Tue Dec 13, 2011 - 07:28:43 by chosenone »

Offline d8n0g

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Re: need some sound advice
« Reply #10 on: Tue Dec 13, 2011 - 12:56:40 »
i agree it is a lie.  why she wont let me grow with her is beyond me.  my child is starting to revert to old behaviors, such as being scared to be alone.  i discussed this with my wife already and she sees it as me using a manipulation technique or says oh shes just 3?  like i said im going out of town until christmas eve so im hoping lack of communication will stir something in her.  in the end shes a grown woman and makes her own choices.  i feel that holding onto my vows even in divorce is not unhealthy.

Offline chosenone

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Re: need some sound advice
« Reply #11 on: Tue Dec 13, 2011 - 15:21:01 »
If she does divorce you then once the divorce has completeted you are not longer married, so it would be pointless to pretend that you are.
 However that may never happen and we all hope that it doesnt. As for her saying she is only 3, doesnt she know that small children pick uo on what is happening? They arent stupid. Its tragic that you adopted this little girl, and now because of her mum her family may be destroyed.

Offline d8n0g

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Re: need some sound advice
« Reply #12 on: Tue Dec 13, 2011 - 15:45:20 »
yes i know.  she hasnt even been with us two years.  this kid was literally passed around to 15 drug and violence infested homes before her biological mom begged us to babysit, and babysit turned into full adoption. ::clappingoverhead::  well that clapping has stopped because if my wife cant atleast try shes going to have 2 separate houses.  not to mention my daughter has detachment disorder, etc.  which were for the most part gone, and now their resurfacing little by little.

Offline chosenone

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Re: need some sound advice
« Reply #13 on: Tue Dec 13, 2011 - 20:09:46 »
yes i know.  she hasnt even been with us two years.  this kid was literally passed around to 15 drug and violence infested homes before her biological mom begged us to babysit, and babysit turned into full adoption. ::clappingoverhead::  well that clapping has stopped because if my wife cant atleast try shes going to have 2 separate houses.  not to mention my daughter has detachment disorder, etc.  which were for the most part gone, and now their resurfacing little by little.

That is just tragic, and makes me want to cry. What is her mother doing????????I pray that she will see what this will do to the poor little child. Just be the best dad you can to make her feel secure. I cant believe some peoples selfishness who put their own selfish needs before their own childrens.Do you think that if the adoption people talk to her about this it may help her to see what she is doing?

Offline d8n0g

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Re: need some sound advice
« Reply #14 on: Tue Dec 13, 2011 - 20:16:23 »
hmmm never thought of that.  would that be overstepping a bit?

Offline chosenone

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Re: need some sound advice
« Reply #15 on: Tue Dec 13, 2011 - 20:55:22 »
I expect she would see it as you trying to put pressure on her, but I am sure the people involved would be extreemly concerned to know that this childs family may break up after 2 years of adopting her.You could maybe go to them yourself, and ask their advise as to what this may do to her and how you can help to minimise any damage. 

Offline d8n0g

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Re: need some sound advice
« Reply #16 on: Wed Dec 14, 2011 - 17:29:16 »
i must say the tough love is working.  the past two days i wasnt saying much just one answer questions.  today i loosened up with thw attitude, and acted as if nothing ever happened-going about my own business.  she keeps giving me these weird looks, not angry.  she also keeps gravitating towards me.  inside i want to grab her and hug her.

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Re: need some sound advice
« Reply #17 on: Sun Jan 15, 2012 - 13:06:42 »
The key thing with 'tough love' though is not to come across as being mean or angry....it is tough LOVE, after all.   The best way to respond is to set simple non-negotiable boundaries and be firm with them, but nice at the same time.   So, if your wife has moved out (can't recall if she has or not), you could tell her, for example, that you would like her to call before she comes round, not just turn up.   You decide what those boundaries are, but you make it clear you love it, you would like to reconcile, but it will be on your terms....not hers.   No more begging, pleading, worrying, talking to her....let her get on with your life while you get on with yours.   

Hang in there bro...it DOES work.   ::smile::

Offline d8n0g

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Re: need some sound advice
« Reply #18 on: Sun Jan 15, 2012 - 14:52:42 »
well, god is still telling me to love her and to stand.  Ilshe had a man in the house while my daughter and I were away and took offense to me saying she defiled our house, me, and my daughter when she crossed that line.  She said that God has given her peace in the path of divorce, which i find hard to believe.  God does not condone adultery and divorce.  our marriage is very fixable, and when i start to lose faith and fumed IT turns to tears and an internal tugging towards restoration.  Don't know what to do when she wants answers to what I plan to do differently-i say we pray and have faith.  One of the key things lacking in our marriage was my unwillingness to serce God.  I tell god it's as if im cursed with this ever growing love for my wife and this conviction to stand for our marriage.......

Offline JohnDB

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Re: need some sound advice
« Reply #19 on: Sun Jan 15, 2012 - 15:48:35 »
Standing in a biblical sense means to serve.....as in a waiter or attendant.

So start doing lil nice things for her. 

Offline chosenone

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Re: need some sound advice
« Reply #20 on: Sun Jan 15, 2012 - 15:50:26 »
You need her to know that under no circumstances is she to bring a man into the home again. She cant possible have peace from God, she is just saying that. God does not give peace to a person who is commiiting adultery and ending their marriage for no reason.

Offline mrhide

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Re: need some sound advice
« Reply #21 on: Mon Jan 16, 2012 - 15:22:25 »

   d8n0g
You asked for   â€śNeed some sound advise

Offline Supplanter

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Re: need some sound advice
« Reply #22 on: Tue Jan 17, 2012 - 14:27:29 »
e can't really stop here from committing adultery. That is her choice. He can tell her the consequences of it and divorce her if she does it again, but if she wishes to sin then all he can do is respond and it is entirely up to him how he chooses to deal with it.