Author Topic: Is 19 too young to know who I want to marry??  (Read 9672 times)

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Offline christlike77

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Is 19 too young to know who I want to marry??
« on: Sun Apr 29, 2012 - 17:46:38 »
I have been going out for nearly a year with my girlfriend- we are both nearing the end of our first year at university, and we've recently talked a lot about getting married... We're both 19, but we are a very mature couple for our age... Is it crazy to think that I already know she is right for me and I want to marry her after uni, even at this stage? Is it reasonable to look that far ahead?

(We have both said openly that we want to marry each other, and we agreed that we should probably leave it at least another year (or more) before I propose (yes, I've talked about proposing to her!), but at the same time we both feel like we wish we could already have the commitment that marriage provides).
So is 19 too young to know??

Offline JohnDB

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Re: Is 19 too young to know who I want to marry??
« Reply #1 on: Sun Apr 29, 2012 - 18:50:41 »
Most likely it is too young.

There is a reason I say such.

The desire/burden of provision changes a young man into an old one pretty quick. Plus on top of that you now have to not expect a perfect response from her for your provision.

But for some reason she expects you (a younger man) to understand all her emotional desires when you as a young man don't have near the emotions effecting you as she will.

On top of all this your career paths aren't fleshed out yet & your incomes have yet to rise to an acceptable living standard yet. Never mind an unplanned pregnancy and special needs child (a possibility) adding to the mix.

Maturity comes with age and stability. I know a lot of 40+ year old children.

Shared experiences and overcoming trials can bring couples closer or tear them apart. Your intentions and reactions may be great and good but hers may not be. OR Vice Versa.

To me,
Marriage is about joining ministries together to make a better one for God. But then again, who am I but another poster on the internet. 

Offline Janice

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Re: Is 19 too young to know who I want to marry??
« Reply #2 on: Sun Apr 29, 2012 - 21:36:54 »
I think it is possible to know. I know a couple who married when he was 21 and she was 16. That was 25 years and 3 kids ago, and they are still very much in love. The reason is that they were "firsts" for each other, they grew together, they matured together, so as they matured, they matured together - because they did it together, their process of "becoming one" was not complicated by previous relationships or growing and maturing on their own first.

Also, I do not see provision as being the man's responsibility so much as I see provision being mutual. If anything happens to you, she will have to provide for you, for example. The thing is that it is God who provides, and he will make a way, even if there will be times of struggle and even potentially some poverty while you finish your educations and launch your careers.

Even though I believe it is possible to know at your age that you want to be together forever, I also believe that "till death do us part" is a matter of time that younger people do not fully understand. That is a developmental thing (how the brain works), not a maturity thing. There is also the matter of marriage preparation. I think it would be very wise of you both if you attend marriage preparation counselling or workshops at your church and/or with your pastor. You can even do this now, before a formal engagement in order to help you determine if engagement is even going to be an option.

I think it takes maturity to seek out wise counsel, so good for you for doing this. It shows you want to be responsible about your decision.

Offline chosenone

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Re: Is 19 too young to know who I want to marry??
« Reply #3 on: Mon Apr 30, 2012 - 00:14:43 »
Personally I think that you CAN know, but on the other hand, you change so much in your late teens and 20's that I feel you need to wait till you at least have finished studying before you make anything formal.

When my son met his now wife, she was doing a degree as a mature student. Even though he was 30 when they met, and she was 26, he still waited 18 months till she had got her degree before he proposed, and that was mainly because he didnt want her to be distracted by wedding preparations in the final year of her degree, becaue it was so important for her to get a good pass. Even then they didnt get married for well over year after that. There really is no rush for a young man of 19.
 
With respect to you, I have never known a guy of 19 who is anywhere near ready or mature enough to be thinking of marriage(I have 2 brothers, a son and 2 step sons, so do have some expereince of guys!)

Also I have to ask, are you a Christian and is she a Christian?Ask God to direct you in this, and ask him to make it clear if she is the one that HE wants you to be with for life.

My advise, enjoy what you have, finish your studies, get jobs and then see what is happening

Offline fcadcock

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Re: Is 19 too young to know who I want to marry??
« Reply #4 on: Mon Apr 30, 2012 - 00:27:02 »
Sure, you can know that you each want to marry the other at 19.  Doing so that young would be unwise though.  Mainly because while you're in college, your parents pay for your insurance, room, board, tuition, ect. and that would probably end the second you decided to get married...  Sponge off your parents for a while longer.  Y'all have the rest of your lives to get married.

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Re: Is 19 too young to know who I want to marry??
« Reply #4 on: Mon Apr 30, 2012 - 00:27:02 »

Offline Cally

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Re: Is 19 too young to know who I want to marry??
« Reply #5 on: Mon Apr 30, 2012 - 16:35:17 »
If modern culture weren't so sick, you'd be ready at 14 like in the olden days.

But like everyone said, there are the practical issues to consider about having careers realized--let me tell you, I advise making a really good, practical plan for that now rather than later.

Offline diamond17

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Re: Is 19 too young to know who I want to marry??
« Reply #6 on: Mon Apr 30, 2012 - 20:09:35 »
what do people think about getting married and not settling down in a house, getting a mortgage, having children etc for a few years? or is it not a 'done thing' as a Christian to not have children straight away?? (i genuinely don't know this i'm not being rude...)
by marrying young surely you end up having all the difficult and exciting experiences of 'becoming an adult' together, and develop more similar views which will end up leading to less conflict etc in later life?
also it means you've only ever had a romantic attachment to one person (or less if you've had relationships before, but relationships before the age of eighteen can't have lasted very long) so you don't end up in the situation where you've had the experience of a relationship ending?

Offline christlike77

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Re: Is 19 too young to know who I want to marry??
« Reply #7 on: Tue May 01, 2012 - 21:47:47 »
I think it is possible to know. The reason is that they were "firsts" for each other, they grew together, they matured together, so as they matured, they matured together - because they did it together, their process of "becoming one" was not complicated by previous relationships or growing and maturing on their own first.

Janice- I completely agree with this... We are both "firsts" for each other, and I definitely know what you mean about growing together and maturing together.

Just to clarify, whilst our idealistic selves might wish it, neither of us think that a proposal should happen until at least a year from now. Moreover a marriage would happen after university and when all associated studying is out of the way. Also, I understand the points regarding thinking about the maturity and security needed for bringing up kids etc, but we intend to enjoy the majority of our twenties before we even think about kids, and I think by that stage we would be mature and, God-willing, secure enough. A marriage at some point after uni would give us time to enjoy living with each other, growing with each other etc, time to travel and enjoy life etc, before eventually settling down.

ask him to make it clear if she is the one that HE wants you to be with for life.

Chosenone- I honestly couldn't be more certain that she is the one that He wants me to be with. I have felt this very strongly since early on in our relationship.

Offline chosenone

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Re: Is 19 too young to know who I want to marry??
« Reply #8 on: Tue May 01, 2012 - 23:19:34 »
If modern culture weren't so sick, you'd be ready at 14 like in the olden days.

But like everyone said, there are the practical issues to consider about having careers realized--let me tell you, I advise making a really good, practical plan for that now rather than later.


 Cally I think its rather sick to marry a 14 year old girl myself!

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Re: Is 19 too young to know who I want to marry??
« Reply #8 on: Tue May 01, 2012 - 23:19:34 »

Offline Cally

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Re: Is 19 too young to know who I want to marry??
« Reply #9 on: Tue May 01, 2012 - 23:25:22 »
If modern culture weren't so sick, you'd be ready at 14 like in the olden days.

But like everyone said, there are the practical issues to consider about having careers realized--let me tell you, I advise making a really good, practical plan for that now rather than later.


 Cally I think its rather sick to marry a 14 year old girl myself!

Didn't people do that in Bible times?

Offline fcadcock

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Re: Is 19 too young to know who I want to marry??
« Reply #10 on: Wed May 02, 2012 - 00:08:00 »
They did.  It's widely held that Mary was between 14 and 16 when she was pregnant with Jesus.

But then again, the life expectancy was only around 30-40 so waiting around wasn't a good idea if you wanted to be around to raise your children.

Offline Cally

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Re: Is 19 too young to know who I want to marry??
« Reply #11 on: Wed May 02, 2012 - 00:11:18 »
They did.  It's widely held that Mary was between 14 and 16 when she was pregnant with Jesus.

But then again, the life expectancy was only around 30-40 so waiting around wasn't a good idea if you wanted to be around to raise your children.

Well yeah, I mean why are we built with the ability to breed in our early teens if it was a wrong thing to get married at that age?

Offline fcadcock

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Re: Is 19 too young to know who I want to marry??
« Reply #12 on: Wed May 02, 2012 - 00:20:52 »
I don't think that it was wrong then.

Today however, things are different.  In addition to living longer, we have a much more complex society which takes longer to learn than it did back then.  During the first century nobody put off having children until they finished law school (or any school...)  Nobody had to spend 12+ years in school learning to read, write, and think well enough to make a living and provide for a family.  Children were sent out to begin working usually before their 10th birthday.  They were expected to be adults by the time they were 15 or 16. (that was "middle age" for them.)

If you were to stretch their lifetime out to the length of ours (30-40 for them to 75-85 for us) you would see that we often get married much quicker as it relates to our overall life span as they would get married roughly half way through their life, yet we do at roughly 1/3 of the way through.

Offline chosenone

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Re: Is 19 too young to know who I want to marry??
« Reply #13 on: Wed May 02, 2012 - 03:03:17 »
My feeling is that just because people then married at such a young age, doesnt mean that they were mature enough, just that that was what was done then, and still sadly is in some parts of the world. Children having children. Sadly children being forced to marry much older men in many cases. Fortunatly things are slowly changing in some of those countries.

Offline TJW

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Re: Is 19 too young to know who I want to marry??
« Reply #14 on: Wed May 02, 2012 - 04:22:06 »
In those times and cultures, people could safely marry early in life because they were not expected to become a "nuclear" family from
day one of it.  They remained in "the father's house".

This is the saddest mistake of our times.  But, of course, there's no god like the green one.

Proverbs 24:27

Prepare thy work without, and make it fit for thyself in the field; and afterwards build thine house.

  

Offline chosenone

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Re: Is 19 too young to know who I want to marry??
« Reply #15 on: Wed May 02, 2012 - 06:58:24 »
In those times and cultures, people could safely marry early in life because they were not expected to become a "nuclear" family from
day one of it.  They remained in "the father's house".

This is the saddest mistake of our times.  But, of course, there's no god like the green one.

Proverbs 24:27

Prepare thy work without, and make it fit for thyself in the field; and afterwards build thine house.

   

  However God does tell men to leave their father and mother....

Offline Cally

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Re: Is 19 too young to know who I want to marry??
« Reply #16 on: Tue May 08, 2012 - 07:35:04 »
My feeling is that just because people then married at such a young age, doesnt mean that they were mature enough, just that that was what was done then, and still sadly is in some parts of the world. Children having children. Sadly children being forced to marry much older men in many cases. Fortunatly things are slowly changing in some of those countries.

Personally, I tend to err on the side of assuming modern civilization is in the wrong when it contends with older civilization.

Why?

Because God makes in clear in scripture when he has a problem with the conditions of a culture. IOW if God had a problem with what was done during what we call "Bible times," we would be reading about it. I can't see God criticizing marriage at a young age (and again, it makes logical sense since He designed us able to reproduce at those ages).

So based on that, my tentative conclusion is that modern culture stunts our natural rate of maturity.

Offline DaveW

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Re: Is 19 too young to know who I want to marry??
« Reply #17 on: Tue May 08, 2012 - 10:56:20 »
They did.  It's widely held that Mary was between 14 and 16 when she was pregnant with Jesus.

But then again, the life expectancy was only around 30-40 so waiting around wasn't a good idea if you wanted to be around to raise your children.
In Greek and Roman society that may have been true but not in Jewish society.  Living to 70 or 80 was the norm.

Offline DaveW

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Re: Is 19 too young to know who I want to marry??
« Reply #18 on: Tue May 08, 2012 - 11:05:22 »
Quote
So based on that, my tentative conclusion is that modern culture stunts our natural rate of maturity.
I completely agree. During 2nd temple times (NT) age of maturity/adulthood was 12-13.  Marriages were arranged and usually took place about age 13 or 14.

Average age of puberty was about 15.  So the couple would actually come into sexual maturity already having a partner. Their likes and dislikes would form together.

Today puberty is earler (growth hormones in the food supply?) and age of marriage is MUCH later so there is now at least a decade between sexual maturity and the opportunity for legitimate expression of that. IMO that is a recipe for disaster.

Paul gave only ONE remedy for burning with sexual desire:

It is better to marry than to burn.

Offline musician_for_God

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Re: Is 19 too young to know who I want to marry??
« Reply #19 on: Tue May 08, 2012 - 11:11:58 »

Because God makes in clear in scripture when he has a problem with the conditions of a culture. IOW if God had a problem with what was done during what we call "Bible times," we would be reading about it. I can't see God criticizing marriage at a young age (and again, it makes logical sense since He designed us able to reproduce at those ages).

So based on that, my tentative conclusion is that modern culture stunts our natural rate of maturity.

I agree.  I've heard Mary was around 14 when she was engaged to Joseph and had Jesus?  And Joseph was a carpenter who was already financially set up to support Mary, so how old was he?  ... Okay, after an admittedly tiny bit of research (so don't take this as the truth), Joseph seems to have been around 50 - 55 years old. Modern civilization's reaction:  ::sick::

And we ARE stunted in our maturing in western society.  I remember feeling I was pressured by society into some sort of weird holding pattern, and that I had literally no role or purpose in life from ages 13-19.  I moved out at 19, so that is when my adulthood really began.  Until 13 I felt like a child, and from 13-19 I felt like a misfit with no purpose except that of waiting for adulthood.  Then, at 19, my life finally started making sense again.  (And THEN you start realizing how quickly humans age physically!  Thus: all those wasted teen years of great health and nothing to do with it! Makes me think marrying in early teens makes a lot more sense -- provided, of course, you weren't raised in a way that delayed your maturity as a person.)
« Last Edit: Tue May 08, 2012 - 11:20:58 by musician_for_God »

Offline DaveW

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Re: Is 19 too young to know who I want to marry??
« Reply #20 on: Tue May 08, 2012 - 12:05:23 »
Unfortunately delayed maturity now takes until 30 or 35 to start kicking in.  ::headscratch::

Offline chosenone

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Re: Is 19 too young to know who I want to marry??
« Reply #21 on: Tue May 08, 2012 - 12:38:58 »

Because God makes in clear in scripture when he has a problem with the conditions of a culture. IOW if God had a problem with what was done during what we call "Bible times," we would be reading about it. I can't see God criticizing marriage at a young age (and again, it makes logical sense since He designed us able to reproduce at those ages).

So based on that, my tentative conclusion is that modern culture stunts our natural rate of maturity.

I agree.  I've heard Mary was around 14 when she was engaged to Joseph and had Jesus?  And Joseph was a carpenter who was already financially set up to support Mary, so how old was he?  ... Okay, after an admittedly tiny bit of research (so don't take this as the truth), Joseph seems to have been around 50 - 55 years old. Modern civilization's reaction:  ::sick::

And we ARE stunted in our maturing in western society.  I remember feeling I was pressured by society into some sort of weird holding pattern, and that I had literally no role or purpose in life from ages 13-19.  I moved out at 19, so that is when my adulthood really began.  Until 13 I felt like a child, and from 13-19 I felt like a misfit with no purpose except that of waiting for adulthood.  Then, at 19, my life finally started making sense again.  (And THEN you start realizing how quickly humans age physically!  Thus: all those wasted teen years of great health and nothing to do with it! Makes me think marrying in early teens makes a lot more sense -- provided, of course, you weren't raised in a way that delayed your maturity as a person.)


  I dont beliebe that joseph was that old, and cant see where the proof for that is. A man of that age(old enough to be the girls grandfather) who had sex with a 14 year old is gross. I am so glad that we have got more civilized now.

Offline musician_for_God

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Re: Is 19 too young to know who I want to marry??
« Reply #22 on: Tue May 08, 2012 - 14:13:58 »

Because God makes in clear in scripture when he has a problem with the conditions of a culture. IOW if God had a problem with what was done during what we call "Bible times," we would be reading about it. I can't see God criticizing marriage at a young age (and again, it makes logical sense since He designed us able to reproduce at those ages).

So based on that, my tentative conclusion is that modern culture stunts our natural rate of maturity.

I agree.  I've heard Mary was around 14 when she was engaged to Joseph and had Jesus?  And Joseph was a carpenter who was already financially set up to support Mary, so how old was he?  ... Okay, after an admittedly tiny bit of research (so don't take this as the truth), Joseph seems to have been around 50 - 55 years old. Modern civilization's reaction:  ::sick::

And we ARE stunted in our maturing in western society.  I remember feeling I was pressured by society into some sort of weird holding pattern, and that I had literally no role or purpose in life from ages 13-19.  I moved out at 19, so that is when my adulthood really began.  Until 13 I felt like a child, and from 13-19 I felt like a misfit with no purpose except that of waiting for adulthood.  Then, at 19, my life finally started making sense again.  (And THEN you start realizing how quickly humans age physically!  Thus: all those wasted teen years of great health and nothing to do with it! Makes me think marrying in early teens makes a lot more sense -- provided, of course, you weren't raised in a way that delayed your maturity as a person.)


  I dont beliebe that joseph was that old, and cant see where the proof for that is. A man of that age(old enough to be the girls grandfather) who had sex with a 14 year old is gross. I am so glad that we have got more civilized now.

Well, what age do you think he was, and why?  And what if he was that age -- are you going to yell "GROSS!", and start thinking he was a pervert just because different people with different customs did different things in different times?  Women marrying men of an older generation was standard practice back then, and still is quite common all over the world.  There is nothing intrinsically wrong with it.  Because a woman "could have been" his daughter simply by their age difference doesn't make a relationship unholy.  These things are purely cultural, not moral or immoral in themselves.  Our society thinks a man attracted to a woman young enough to be his daughter is gross, but I think it's natural.  Women generally prefer older men, and men generally prefer younger women.  That's not some random thing, it's by design.
« Last Edit: Tue May 08, 2012 - 14:25:18 by musician_for_God »

Offline christlike77

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Re: Is 19 too young to know who I want to marry??
« Reply #23 on: Tue May 08, 2012 - 14:35:17 »
So do you think that I can justifiably feel that my girlfriend is the person I want to marry already?

Also, I am curious about whether people think that getting engaged in, say, a year or so, is ok, given that we'd then have around a year again before we actually got married after uni... How long should an engagement be?

Offline musician_for_God

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Re: Is 19 too young to know who I want to marry??
« Reply #24 on: Tue May 08, 2012 - 15:16:58 »
So do you think that I can justifiably feel that my girlfriend is the person I want to marry already?

Is it possible to pick the right life partner at 19?  Yes.  Just be very, very careful in that selection -- I speak from a personal horror story of marrying the wrong person at 21, while thinking she was PERFECT for me in every way.  Naive self-deception is more possible the young you are -- not because of a lack of intelligence, but because of a lack of experience.  At 19, you're likely saying as I did, "I have a lot of experience", but each year you choose to wait longer before marriage, you collect more wisdom from more life experiences.  I would just advise caution, that's all.

Also, I am curious about whether people think that getting engaged in, say, a year or so, is ok, given that we'd then have around a year again before we actually got married after uni... How long should an engagement be?

That's sounds plenty mature to me.  Don't rush it.  After all, if she really is the one for you, for the rest of your life, she'll still be there if you wait long enough to be sure before saying your vows.  If you sense any rushing, coming from anyone -- including yourself and her -- slow down and re-think things.  Refuse to be pushed.  (A very close friend of mine didn't refuse when he felt pushed, and entered into a seven-year, tragic, loveless marriage.)

Offline chosenone

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Re: Is 19 too young to know who I want to marry??
« Reply #25 on: Tue May 08, 2012 - 16:52:49 »

Because God makes in clear in scripture when he has a problem with the conditions of a culture. IOW if God had a problem with what was done during what we call "Bible times," we would be reading about it. I can't see God criticizing marriage at a young age (and again, it makes logical sense since He designed us able to reproduce at those ages).

So based on that, my tentative conclusion is that modern culture stunts our natural rate of maturity.

I agree.  I've heard Mary was around 14 when she was engaged to Joseph and had Jesus?  And Joseph was a carpenter who was already financially set up to support Mary, so how old was he?  ... Okay, after an admittedly tiny bit of research (so don't take this as the truth), Joseph seems to have been around 50 - 55 years old. Modern civilization's reaction:  ::sick::

And we ARE stunted in our maturing in western society.  I remember feeling I was pressured by society into some sort of weird holding pattern, and that I had literally no role or purpose in life from ages 13-19.  I moved out at 19, so that is when my adulthood really began.  Until 13 I felt like a child, and from 13-19 I felt like a misfit with no purpose except that of waiting for adulthood.  Then, at 19, my life finally started making sense again.  (And THEN you start realizing how quickly humans age physically!  Thus: all those wasted teen years of great health and nothing to do with it! Makes me think marrying in early teens makes a lot more sense -- provided, of course, you weren't raised in a way that delayed your maturity as a person.)


  I don't believe that Joseph was that old, and cant see where the proof for that is. A man of that age(old enough to be the girls grandfather) who had sex with a 14 year old is gross. I am so glad that we have got more civilized now.

Well, what age do you think he was, and why?  And what if he was that age -- are you going to yell "GROSS!", and start thinking he was a pervert just because different people with different customs did different things in different times?  Women marrying men of an older generation was standard practice back then, and still is quite common all over the world.  There is nothing intrinsically wrong with it.  Because a woman "could have been" his daughter simply by their age difference doesn't make a relationship unholy.  These things are purely cultural, not moral or immoral in themselves.  Our society thinks a man attracted to a woman young enough to be his daughter is gross, but I think it's natural.  Women generally prefer older men, and men generally prefer younger women.  That's not some random thing, it's by design.


I heard a teaching recently that said that we don't actually know how old either of them were, and of course we dont, but he said that Mary could well have been late teens, so 17/18/19.
 I believe that God would have give Jesus an earthy father who was young enough and fit enough to provide for them while he was growing up, not some old guy who was not going to be able to do this.
Also yes I do think that any man of 55 having sex with a 13 or 14 year old child is totally gross, and fortunately the practise of marrying off young girls to old men is changing in many countries now. Many young women are standing up to that practise, and I thank God for that.

Some women do like older men, not me personally, but I know of 3 marriages where the lady is several years older than the man. Some men like younger women because it makes then feel more virile of course. Most couples that I know are similar in age, maybe a year or two apart either way.That seems to generally be the norm.
However 40 years difference with the child only 13 or so, is an old man sleeping with a child. He would be locked up for that in any civilised country, and rightly so. Hmmm how may of you dads would like your little girl of 13 having sex with an old man old enough to be her grandfather? 

Offline chosenone

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Re: Is 19 too young to know who I want to marry??
« Reply #26 on: Tue May 08, 2012 - 16:56:27 »
So do you think that I can justifiably feel that my girlfriend is the person I want to marry already?

Also, I am curious about whether people think that getting engaged in, say, a year or so, is ok, given that we'd then have around a year again before we actually got married after uni... How long should an engagement be?


 A year to be engaged seems pretty sensible to me. I think its a mistake to be engaged for too long, but considering your very young age, a year seems sensible. However I would just get on with life and work at the moment and see what happens.Things change so quickly at your age.

Offline musician_for_God

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Re: Is 19 too young to know who I want to marry??
« Reply #27 on: Tue May 08, 2012 - 19:48:17 »
In my case I like younger women because they're prettier and have more energy.  My wife is 23 and I'm 33, and everything about that age difference makes practical sense for us.


Offline musician_for_God

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Re: Is 19 too young to know who I want to marry??
« Reply #28 on: Tue May 08, 2012 - 19:50:21 »
So what if it's the norm -- not that it is -- that many couples are the same age?  That has no significance whatsoever. 

Offline Cally

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Re: Is 19 too young to know who I want to marry??
« Reply #29 on: Tue May 08, 2012 - 20:06:10 »
Quote
So based on that, my tentative conclusion is that modern culture stunts our natural rate of maturity.
I completely agree. During 2nd temple times (NT) age of maturity/adulthood was 12-13.  Marriages were arranged and usually took place about age 13 or 14.

Average age of puberty was about 15.  So the couple would actually come into sexual maturity already having a partner. Their likes and dislikes would form together.

Today puberty is earler (growth hormones in the food supply?) and age of marriage is MUCH later so there is now at least a decade between sexual maturity and the opportunity for legitimate expression of that. IMO that is a recipe for disaster.

Paul gave only ONE remedy for burning with sexual desire:

It is better to marry than to burn.

Yes, very well said. And I'm 100% with musician about the issue of our early years just about completely wasted because of our faulty culture.

Spouses are supposed to be "life partners." When does the learning and maturing really stop, anyway? There's nothing wrong with marrying older either, but when you're young you have more of your lives to share with each other, you know each other better, and there's not extraneous baggage all over the place (all of those ugly boyfriend/girlfriend dramas, I think).

Offline musician_for_God

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Re: Is 19 too young to know who I want to marry??
« Reply #30 on: Tue May 08, 2012 - 20:38:39 »
Just heard back from my theologian friend.  He said the Jewish virgin betrothal age for a woman was around 14-18, and that Joseph was a young man in his twenties or early thirties.

Offline JohnDB70X7

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Re: Is 19 too young to know who I want to marry??
« Reply #31 on: Wed May 09, 2012 - 20:53:22 »
I have been going out for nearly a year with my girlfriend- we are both nearing the end of our first year at university, and we've recently talked a lot about getting married... We're both 19, but we are a very mature couple for our age... Is it crazy to think that I already know she is right for me and I want to marry her after uni, even at this stage? Is it reasonable to look that far ahead?

(We have both said openly that we want to marry each other, and we agreed that we should probably leave it at least another year (or more) before I propose (yes, I've talked about proposing to her!), but at the same time we both feel like we wish we could already have the commitment that marriage provides).
So is 19 too young to know??

I was 19 (two weeks away from 20) when I married. 31 years ago. And by the grace of God we are still married. Happily. And often asked if we are newly weds. As recently as last week.

In my situation, I married up... way way up. And I'd probably be in jail or dead had I not married my Bride. She was just what I needed, and it turns out I was just what she needed. She had already been in television before we met and was vying for national network television when we met. She had a few years on me, so I don't know in your situation if two 19-year-olds will be enough to pull it off... I don't know you... but now that I am 51 I realize NONE of us are as mature as we think we are at the time. I still have much to learn... and it took me till I was in my 40's to realize that.

Again, I don't know you... either one of you... but I do know that if you are a team you could do a lot worse going it alone. It's a cruel world out there and it's going to get uglier than it is now. If you both can agree that the commitment you are making is greater than anything else... and you stick with the commitment... I mean when it's like every thing and every one is telling you to quit and you stick with it because after all you committed to it... then it will work.

And after all the ups and downs the falling in and out of love and the disappointments and betrayals... having honored the commitment will make you fall more madly in love than you were in the beginning... or... you could be like so many couples that hang in there but can barely tolerate one another... it's hard to say...

It will be work. Lots and lots of work. But it is so very worth it. Still it is a gamble. A risk.

Some once said it's not who you can live with it's who you can't live without.

Godspeed on your decision.

Offline christlike77

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Re: Is 19 too young to know who I want to marry??
« Reply #32 on: Thu May 10, 2012 - 06:14:21 »
Thankyou for your comments John - they are very encouraging and wise. It does seem to be the common consensus on here that I can 'know', and yet many people advise against rushing into anything without gaining life experience first, which is perfectly sensible. Hopefully in a year's time (or thereabouts) I will be better equipped to realistically think about marriage...

Offline christlike77

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Re: Is 19 too young to know who I want to marry??
« Reply #33 on: Fri May 24, 2013 - 15:42:16 »
Well, a year on, and wow, what a wonderful God we serve... Said girl is definitely the girl I know that I'm going to marry! I can say that now, because at the very beginning of Easter, on her 20th birthday, I had the delight of hearing her say YES to my proposal!!  ::amen!::

So now the new challenges... Wedding planning (aiming for Summer 2014), choosing baby names (though we don't intend to use them for years yet haha), and finishing Uni. We're both now coming to the end of our second years, so one more to go before we enter into the real world and get married haha!

On a serious note though, FW (wow it is amazing writing that!) has been a believer since late September last year (that's another story in itself) and knows she has made the right choice! However, she is moving back home for her final year at uni to save money (she flat-shared this year), and her parents do not yet know about her faith. This has been problematic for us both, as her parents (particularly her Dad) are very anti-theist, and would be (is outraged too strong a word here I wonder?) to find out her new faith... We both agree it should be her who tells them, though I have offered to if she wants me to, but so far the moment has not been right yet. Upon the advice of my pastor a few months back, we agreed she needed time to strengthen her faith and resolve in Christ before she declared her new beliefs. This is a real struggle mentally for her  ::cryingtears:: as she is scared they will basically disown her. Her Dad also has problems with the idea of having a church wedding too.

So, two questions:
1) Any advice (other than pre-marital counselling which we're hoping to do) about what we can do before we get married that will stand us in good stead?
2) How do people think we should handle the issue with telling her parents? She's going to be moving back home in just under a month and I suspect we shouldnt leave it until then, rather we should give them time to accept it.  Advice needed please!!

 Thanks! x

Offline chosenone

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Re: Is 19 too young to know who I want to marry??
« Reply #34 on: Sat May 25, 2013 - 00:24:09 »

Because God makes in clear in scripture when he has a problem with the conditions of a culture. IOW if God had a problem with what was done during what we call "Bible times," we would be reading about it. I can't see God criticizing marriage at a young age (and again, it makes logical sense since He designed us able to reproduce at those ages).

So based on that, my tentative conclusion is that modern culture stunts our natural rate of maturity.

I agree.  I've heard Mary was around 14 when she was engaged to Joseph and had Jesus?  And Joseph was a carpenter who was already financially set up to support Mary, so how old was he?  ... Okay, after an admittedly tiny bit of research (so don't take this as the truth), Joseph seems to have been around 50 - 55 years old. Modern civilization's reaction:  ::sick::

And we ARE stunted in our maturing in western society.  I remember feeling I was pressured by society into some sort of weird holding pattern, and that I had literally no role or purpose in life from ages 13-19.  I moved out at 19, so that is when my adulthood really began.  Until 13 I felt like a child, and from 13-19 I felt like a misfit with no purpose except that of waiting for adulthood.  Then, at 19, my life finally started making sense again.  (And THEN you start realizing how quickly humans age physically!  Thus: all those wasted teen years of great health and nothing to do with it! Makes me think marrying in early teens makes a lot more sense -- provided, of course, you weren't raised in a way that delayed your maturity as a person.)


  I dont beliebe that joseph was that old, and cant see where the proof for that is. A man of that age(old enough to be the girls grandfather) who had sex with a 14 year old is gross. I am so glad that we have got more civilized now.

Well, what age do you think he was, and why?  And what if he was that age -- are you going to yell "GROSS!", and start thinking he was a pervert just because different people with different customs did different things in different times?  Women marrying men of an older generation was standard practice back then, and still is quite common all over the world.  There is nothing intrinsically wrong with it.  Because a woman "could have been" his daughter simply by their age difference doesn't make a relationship unholy.  These things are purely cultural, not moral or immoral in themselves.  Our society thinks a man attracted to a woman young enough to be his daughter is gross, but I think it's natural.  Women generally prefer older men, and men generally prefer younger women.  That's not some random thing, it's by design.
 

Not his daughter but his granddaughter, and a child of 13 is just that, a child. Thankfully we are more civilised now, and recognise that a child needs to be more mature before they are ready for marriage and and children.I don't agree that women prefer older man, some may, but most marriages are between partners of a similar age. Some men want much younger women(or even children) but that's doesnt mean its right or healthy but is more their sexual desires working.
« Last Edit: Sat May 25, 2013 - 00:27:23 by chosenone »

 

     
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