Is it possible for a marriage to die?

[Renae610]

As women, we tend to focus on what we're not getting in the relationship and struggle with the pain.   But I think of equal importance is WHY is he (husband) acting so dysfunctional??  Is it a physical health problem?  Is there trauma in him keeping him despondent and doesn't know how to process through it?  Many men stuff their feelings, like a soldier who must focus on the battle out there in the world, not on his own personal conflicts.  But those personal conflicts MUST be resolved.   It is time for an intervention.   If your pastor won't confront him, then you may have to call on a professional to do it ---  see  www.innervention.com. 

[anx]

I have been out for a few days, and have wanted to reply to your post.

You guys need and could seriously benefit from a experienced Christian marriage and family counselor. You need much more than a marriage seminar.

You need to sit down and talk with someone who will open your husband up and not let him shut down after 30 seconds. They work all day with people who shut down. Depending on you insurance, they can be affordable. However, I would use the money you were going to use on the beach of your marriage.

My story is on here as well, and very different from your own. I cannot tell you how important marriage counseling was. Your husband is a prime example of someone who needs help communicating and realizing the effect his negatively has on people around him. It can work. He can realize that.

Please get in with someone and see what happens.

Blessings.

[epiphanius]

DiamondGal,

Just my two cents here, but I find myself more prone to complain about little things when something much bigger is bothering me, and I just can't seem to deal with it. It seems that your husband's biggest problem is being a chronic complainer, and I would expect that he also has something bothering him. It seems as though it's been bothering him for a long time, and he has completely despaired of ever resolving it.

One thing you can't do, however, is bring it up directly--even if you have a strong suspicion about what it is. This would be seen as a frontal assault, and would be met with the strongest defense possible. If you really want to deal with this it will take lots of patience, because you cannot introduce the subject with any indication that you suspect a problem, or that you feel he ought to open up to you on this, etc.

For example, you mention that he left the Catholic church when he married you, and he may feel guilty about this. Note that I'm not saying that he does, only that he may--you will have to use your intuition here and think of something that *might* be bothering him. Look for an opportunity to bring up the subject in a roundabout way--the more roundabout the better, like something in the news, or a local event that you heard about. This is where you'll get an honest reaction, and if it's particularly hostile, it's a good sign that you're "warm."

Then, just let it drop. If you act too interested, it will be obvious that you're "fishing," and he will just clam up. In fact, I'm not even sure what you would need to do next, except to pray over it and look for an opportunity to bring up the subject again.

(One thing you need to be aware of, too, is that he knows how you typically react in emotionally charged situations, and probably doesn't like it at all. This is a common reason men have for emotionally shutting their wives out. If you can notice any patterns in you own behavior and manage to alter them, you may find that he starts behaving differently.)

May God bless you both, and may He bring healing to your marriage.

[Ray in Florida]

Dear DG ...

As a husband who has been there, allow me to offer a few observations:

1) if the grass looks greener elsewhere ... check the "fertilizer" you're using ...

2) a marriage is like a garden ... with the right "tools" ... and with the right fertilizer (attention and commitment) and water (love) ... your garden can be beautiful; but when abandoned, it isn't long before the weeds (resentment, apathy, indifference) take over ... and your garden (marriage) becomes an eyesore ... how good are your tools?

3) when you got married, you did more than exchange vows ... you made a covenant with GOD ... can you find a way to honor that covenant?

My story is elsewhere on this forum, so I won't take up space here with it ... but to share a little background ... my SW and I have been married for 24 years now ... and almost from the beginning, she told me the same thing ... she loved me, but she wasn't "in love" with me ... in '04, she had an affair ... lasted over 1 year ... we survived ... in'09, she wanted a separation ... I knew then that I wasn't equipped to handle things ... so I asked Jesus into my life ... and my marriage ... i began taking classes at my church ... learned a lot ... like, realizing that I needed to let JESUS do the heavy lifting in my marriage ... and with my wife ...  and HE DID ...

I learned about commitment ... and covenant ... and about becoming a "team" ...

Dear Sister ... so can you ... just ask JESUS into your marriage ... ask HIM to take and make you over into a daughter that HE can use ... to GLORIFY HIM ... through the rebirth of your marriage ...

Be Blessed, Dear Sister in Christ ...

Ephesians 5: 21
"Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ (the Messiah, the Anointed One)."