Before I got married, my views on divorce were very high and mighty. I declared that when I got married, I would never get divorced. That I would do whatever it took to keep my marriage together. Whenever other people's relationships were discussed, I was always able to offer what I considered solutions or helpful suggestions to remedy problems. Then I got married.
My husband and I have been married for 25 years. There were rough times all throughout. I love him, but I have never been "in love" with him, even at the beginning. We dated for 8 months and then he proposed to me. I said yes, but we didn't get married for another 17 months. During the time we were going out, I had doubts but we pushed on ahead. We didn't share the same point of view on many topics and he was of a different denomination that I was. A lot of our beginning problems were stress from planning the wedding and trying to get all that sorted out. We were young and did the best we could to communicate. I think we actually talked more then then we do now. Now all we talk about is the groceries or what to have for dinner.
Since you don't know either one of us, it's hard to explain what our problems are. My husband is a complainer and a glass half empty kind of guy. I am a dreamer and a glass half full kind of woman. I have always felt that God will take care of me and things will turn out okay. But the last 5 years or so have been so dead. We live together in the same house but we do not dream together. We do not plan things together. We just exist. We both work outside the home, he full time and another part time job, and me 3/4 time (not quite a full time job). We have 5 children (23, 22, 18, 13 & 13). The 22 year old has a learning disability. He works part-time and I am his transportation to and from his job, thus I cannot work a full time job. The job I have is flexible enough that I can work around his schedule.
I am skipping over so much or my post would be a book long. We do the normal things like going to work, coming home, getting dinner, doing dishes, supervising the kids, transporting the kids, etc. On weekends we do housecleaning and perhaps some shopping. We do not go out anywhere or do anything - no movies, concerts, etc. No out to dinner or anything like that. I like to travel and I like the beach. Last year I decided to leave it all up to my husband what we did or if we did anything over the summer. Our two youngest went to a Christian camp for a week, which all of our kids have done over the years. That is the only recreational thing that happened in our family all summer. We did not go to any of the local fairs, we did not go to the local lake, we did nothing. Nada. Zip. We had a tradition of going to the ocean beach for Columbus day weekend. We had been going there for about 4 years in a row, maybe more. We didn't go last October. I knew that I should not even bring it up because he would say he didn't want to go.
So this summer will be here before we know it and the two youngest have decided that they do not want to go to camp anymore. This is okay with me, it is their decision. I had no influence on this decision not to go, they are just tired of it after going for 5 years it gets repetitive and they want to skip it. So rather then discuss this with my husband in person (he shuts down any conversation in the first 30 seconds), I sent him an email this morning letting him know that the kids didn't want to go to camp this year, so we could use the money from that to go to the beach this year for a vacation. He replied that it was not likely, not possible,etc. and that we were not going anywhere this year. Oh goodie. Another summer of nothing.
I could take the kids and leave him home, but in the back of my heart and mind all I would be feeling is that my marriage was nothing anymore and it was over. I do sort of feel that way already.
I cannot discuss anything with him and I don't even try anymore. I know how he will respond before I even tell him something, so there is no point in trying anymore. I am tired.
I don't like divorce and am not sure if that would be the answer, but I feel like I am dying more each day. My marriage is all but dead. He doesn't care about me anymore which is evident in the way he talks about things. I had always felt all through our marriage that he loved me more than I loved him. Maybe he has figured that out too and he's ready to walk, I don't know.
He does not share in the planning of anything for our future. There is no foresight for him, only complaining about everything...like I said, it would be a book if I put it all...He complains about traffic every time we drive anywhere. He complains about red lights every time we drive anywhere. He complains about the price of gas, the price of food, the cost of living. He complains about the kids drinking the orange juice...every day that there is someone to listen to him. I told him that I was going to tell the kids not to eat or drink anything in the house so it would all go bad - what are we supposed to do with the food, look at it? Even though he never gets the response he's looking for, he continues to complain. I think he wants me to complain too, but I don't.
I pray for him all the time. I pray for myself too. I pray for our kids. Our kids don't like him and there's nothing I can do about that. He does not try to change - even as I have pointed things out to him over the years, he never changed. I don't nag on him to change now because I have given up to some degree. I know God can change anything or anybody but I'm not sure I'll be around to witness it.