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Author Topic: Is it possible for a marriage to die?  (Read 2725 times)

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Offline DiamondGal

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Is it possible for a marriage to die?
« on: Tue Jan 17, 2012 - 10:24:55 »
Before I got married, my views on divorce were very high and mighty.  I declared that when I got married, I would never get divorced.  That I would do whatever it took to keep my marriage together.  Whenever other people's relationships were discussed, I was always able to offer what I considered solutions or helpful suggestions to remedy problems.   Then I got married.
My husband and I have been married for 25 years.  There were rough times all throughout.  I love him, but I have never been "in love" with him, even at the beginning.  We dated for 8 months and then he proposed to me.  I said yes, but we didn't get married for another 17 months.  During the time we were going out, I had doubts but we pushed on ahead.  We didn't share the same point of view on many topics and he was of a different denomination that I was.  A lot of our beginning problems were stress from planning the wedding and trying to get all that sorted out.  We were young and did the best we could to communicate.  I think we actually talked more then then we do now.  Now all we talk about is the groceries or what to have for dinner. 
Since you don't know either one of us, it's hard to explain what our problems are.  My husband is a complainer and a glass half empty kind of guy.  I am a dreamer and a glass half full kind of woman.  I have always felt that God will take care of me and things will turn out okay.  But the last 5 years or so have been so dead.  We live together in the same house but we do not dream together.  We do not plan things together.  We just exist.  We both work outside the home, he full time and another part time job, and me 3/4 time (not quite a full time job).  We have 5 children (23, 22, 18, 13 & 13).  The 22 year old has a learning disability.  He works part-time and I am his transportation to and from his job, thus I cannot work a full time job.  The job I have is flexible enough that I can work around his schedule.
I am skipping over so much or my post would be a book long.  We do the normal things like going to work, coming home, getting dinner, doing dishes, supervising the kids, transporting the kids, etc.  On weekends we do housecleaning and perhaps some shopping.  We do not go out anywhere or do anything - no movies, concerts, etc.  No out to dinner or anything like that.  I like to travel and I like the beach.  Last year I decided to leave it all up to my husband what we did or if we did anything over the summer.  Our two youngest went to a Christian camp for a week, which all of our kids have done over the years.  That is the only recreational thing that happened in our family all summer.  We did not go to any of the local fairs, we did not go to the local lake, we did nothing.  Nada.  Zip.  We had a tradition of going to the ocean beach for Columbus day weekend.  We had been going there for about 4 years in a row, maybe more.  We didn't go last October.  I knew that I should not even bring it up because he would say he didn't want to go.
So this summer will be here before we know it and the two youngest have decided that they do not want to go to camp anymore.  This is okay with me, it is their decision.  I had no influence on this decision not to go, they are just tired of it after going for 5 years it gets repetitive and they want to skip it.  So rather then discuss this with my husband in person (he shuts down any conversation in the first 30 seconds), I sent him an email this morning letting him know that the kids didn't want to go to camp this year, so we could use the money from that to go to the beach this year for a vacation.  He replied that it was not likely, not possible,etc.  and that we were not going anywhere this year.  Oh goodie.  Another summer of nothing. 
I could take the kids and leave him home, but in the back of my heart and mind all I would be feeling is that my marriage was nothing anymore and it was over.  I do sort of feel that way already. 
I cannot discuss anything with him and I don't even try anymore.  I know how he will respond before I even tell him something, so there is no point in trying anymore.  I am tired.
I don't like divorce and am not sure if that would be the answer, but I feel like I am dying more each day.  My marriage is all but dead.  He doesn't care about me anymore which is evident in the way he talks about things.  I had always felt all through our marriage that he loved me more than I loved him.  Maybe he has figured that out too and he's ready to walk, I don't know. 
He does not share in the planning of anything for our future.  There is no foresight for him, only complaining about everything...like I said, it would be a book if I put it all...He complains about traffic every time we drive anywhere.  He complains about red lights every time we drive anywhere.  He complains about the price of gas, the price of food, the cost of living.  He complains about the kids drinking the orange juice...every day that there is someone to listen to him.  I told him that I was going to tell the kids not to eat or drink anything in the house so it would all go bad - what are we supposed to do with the food, look at it?  Even though he never gets the response he's looking for, he continues to complain.  I think he wants me to complain too, but I don't. 
I pray for him all the time.  I pray for myself too.  I pray for our kids.  Our kids don't like him and there's nothing I can do about that.  He does not try to change - even as I have pointed things out to him over the years, he never changed.  I don't nag on him to change now because I have given up to some degree.  I know God can change anything or anybody but I'm not sure I'll be around to witness it. 

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Is it possible for a marriage to die?
« on: Tue Jan 17, 2012 - 10:24:55 »

Offline francesepp

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Re: Is it possible for a marriage to die?
« Reply #1 on: Tue Jan 17, 2012 - 10:48:15 »
I think you are describing the kinds of things lots of couple go through.  So, you aren't alone, even if it feels that way.  It sounds to me like you two might be exhausted from work, kids, etc.  I'm wondering if a few sessions of marriage counseling might help you sort through some things.

Fran

Offline Supplanter

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Re: Is it possible for a marriage to die?
« Reply #2 on: Tue Jan 17, 2012 - 14:24:07 »
So, are you both committed Christians now? Have you grown together in your faith? Go to church together?

Why do you say you were never "in love" with your husband? Have you treated him with love and honored him with love and respect? To me, love is an action, not an emotion necessarily. And what has kept you from falling in love with your husband. Surely, he has some admirable qualities, had something that appealed to you all these years?

You may be right that he has felt unappreciated and unloved if that is the case.

As for the pity party, maybe you need to start having a good time without him.

Not that you should jeaopardize your marriage or get a divorce, but is he going to leave you if you take the camp money and take the kids to the beach?

And if he does, then maybe the issues are deeper than you know, but should you continue to have to be on his misery train?

Go have fun and invite him, care for him even when he disconnects, be nice and let him know you really desire his company, but if he doesn't join in go and do it anyway and make yourself enjoy it. Don't nag him or be over emotional, just caring and inviting and don't get too hurt if he doesn't go. Just give him time to see that you he can enjoy life with you or you will just enjoy it anyway.

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Re: Is it possible for a marriage to die?
« Reply #2 on: Tue Jan 17, 2012 - 14:24:07 »

Offline DiamondGal

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Re: Is it possible for a marriage to die?
« Reply #3 on: Tue Jan 17, 2012 - 16:58:10 »
So, are you both committed Christians now? Have you grown together in your faith? Go to church together?
I was a born again Christian when I met my husband, he was Catholic.  After we got married, he joined the Protestant church that I grew up in.  We attended that church for many years until they got a new minister who decided that homosexuality was not a sin in the bible and that gay marriage was acceptable.  We left that church and have as of now not been able to find a new church home.  I would not say that we view faith in the same way. I have faith that God will take care of me and whatever happens, happens for a reason that perhaps we cannot see yet.  He has a negative outlook on everything. 

Why do you say you were never "in love" with your husband?
I love him.  When we were first going out and after we got engaged and married, I looked forward to seeing him to being with him.  I was never "in love" with him, like talking about how great he was to other people or that kind of thing.
Have you treated him with love and honored him with love and respect?
Yes, I know love is a decision and not a feeling.  That is the kind of love I have for him.  I have to decide to love him it does not come naturally.  I always wanted to be friends with my spouse and I think we were in the early years, but now I would not consider him a friend.  I would not choose him as a friend.  Respect is something that I do not have much of for him.  I respect him for his work ethics - the fact that he works two jobs to help support his family, but that's about it.
To me, love is an action, not an emotion necessarily. And what has kept you from falling in love with your husband. Surely, he has some admirable qualities, had something that appealed to you all these years?
Over the years, our relationship has deteriorated.  I have gone to two Family Lilfe marriage conferences.  One for couples and one for parents.  Nothing changed.  For the parents one, he came home from the conference and started acting all weird in front of the kids.  He'd make them say grace (he calls them prayers) at dinner.  We used to do that when they were little, but the older ones looked at him like he was nuts.  I can't remember exactly what he did, but it was obviously fake and we all could tell because it was totally outside of his character.  Lasted about 2 weeks. 

You may be right that he has felt unappreciated and unloved if that is the case.
I am not sure how he feels.  I have asked him different times over the years if he was happy.  I am not sure he knows what happy means.  Joyce Meyer says you cannot make an unhappy person happy.  I believe this to be true.  He is not responsible for my happiness either, but he is supposed to be on this ride called Life with me and he's not. 

As for the pity party, maybe you need to start having a good time without him.
I know how to have fun without him, but I want to have fun with him.  I want a marriage where we are partners and I am not sure he knows how to do that. 

Not that you should jeaopardize your marriage or get a divorce, but is he going to leave you if you take the camp money and take the kids to the beach?
No he would not leave.  He would do something worse.  He would come with us and make everyone miserable.  He would drive and yell at all the drivers for 6 hours and complain about how much gas costs.  He would complain about carrying things and yell at the kids.  He does not know how to have fun and can pretty much suck the fun out of any situation, so you might get the picture.   

And if he does, then maybe the issues are deeper than you know, but should you continue to have to be on his misery train?

Go have fun and invite him, care for him even when he disconnects, be nice and let him know you really desire his company, but if he doesn't join in go and do it anyway and make yourself enjoy it. Don't nag him or be over emotional, just caring and inviting and don't get too hurt if he doesn't go. Just give him time to see that you he can enjoy life with you or you will just enjoy it anyway.
I already told him that I am picking the date that we are going on vacation and I am booking the motel and I will let him know what it is.  If he doesn't want to go, he can stay home.  But I also told him that even if we do end up going that it will not be the same as if he was enthusiastic about going in the first place.  He always manages to put a little cloud over fun things we do because he gripes about it so much that it is not  longer as much fun as it would have been if he wanted to go too. 

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Re: Is it possible for a marriage to die?
« Reply #3 on: Tue Jan 17, 2012 - 16:58:10 »

HRoberson

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Re: Is it possible for a marriage to die?
« Reply #4 on: Tue Jan 17, 2012 - 21:48:20 »
The answer to the OP is yes, a marriage can die. Anything that needs nurture and which does not get it, will die.

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Re: Is it possible for a marriage to die?
« Reply #4 on: Tue Jan 17, 2012 - 21:48:20 »



Offline mrhide

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Re: Is it possible for a marriage to die?
« Reply #5 on: Tue Jan 17, 2012 - 23:18:57 »


DiamondGal

Is it possible for a marriage to die?
Absolutely, it happens all the time.
It is also possible to have a good life with out your spouse being involved in the activities that you enjoy.


I love him, but I have never been "in love" with him,
What does that mean exactly? I have heard that before and it makes no sense to me.
I can empathize with you because of your situation. However my empathy will get you nowhere.

If you use the Bible as your marriage guide then you do not have grounds for a divorce. Secondly if you think that your chances of getting a man that will change everything for the better, I think your chances are very slim. That says nothing about you at all it is just that depending on another person to make your life joyful is risky.

I would suggest that you work on not letting your husband’s personality affect you as much as it does. Get busy building yourself up body, mind, and spirit. It would be ideal if you and your husband were on the same wave and your personalities clicked and you liked the same things but that is not your reality and many others.

You need to look out for you and your minor children. Quit making your husband necessary for your contentment. I know of women that have no husband and they have a good life.  You are responsible for your own contentment.

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Re: Is it possible for a marriage to die?
« Reply #5 on: Tue Jan 17, 2012 - 23:18:57 »

Offline Supplanter

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Re: Is it possible for a marriage to die?
« Reply #6 on: Wed Jan 18, 2012 - 07:04:32 »
So, are you both committed Christians now? Have you grown together in your faith? Go to church together?
I was a born again Christian when I met my husband, he was Catholic.  After we got married, he joined the Protestant church that I grew up in.  We attended that church for many years until they got a new minister who decided that homosexuality was not a sin in the bible and that gay marriage was acceptable.  We left that church and have as of now not been able to find a new church home.  I would not say that we view faith in the same way. I have faith that God will take care of me and whatever happens, happens for a reason that perhaps we cannot see yet.  He has a negative outlook on everything. 

Why do you say you were never "in love" with your husband?
I love him.  When we were first going out and after we got engaged and married, I looked forward to seeing him to being with him.  I was never "in love" with him, like talking about how great he was to other people or that kind of thing.
Have you treated him with love and honored him with love and respect?
Yes, I know love is a decision and not a feeling.  That is the kind of love I have for him.  I have to decide to love him it does not come naturally.  I always wanted to be friends with my spouse and I think we were in the early years, but now I would not consider him a friend.  I would not choose him as a friend.  Respect is something that I do not have much of for him.  I respect him for his work ethics - the fact that he works two jobs to help support his family, but that's about it.
To me, love is an action, not an emotion necessarily. And what has kept you from falling in love with your husband. Surely, he has some admirable qualities, had something that appealed to you all these years?
Over the years, our relationship has deteriorated.  I have gone to two Family Lilfe marriage conferences.  One for couples and one for parents.  Nothing changed.  For the parents one, he came home from the conference and started acting all weird in front of the kids.  He'd make them say grace (he calls them prayers) at dinner.  We used to do that when they were little, but the older ones looked at him like he was nuts.  I can't remember exactly what he did, but it was obviously fake and we all could tell because it was totally outside of his character.  Lasted about 2 weeks. 

You may be right that he has felt unappreciated and unloved if that is the case.
I am not sure how he feels.  I have asked him different times over the years if he was happy.  I am not sure he knows what happy means.  Joyce Meyer says you cannot make an unhappy person happy.  I believe this to be true.  He is not responsible for my happiness either, but he is supposed to be on this ride called Life with me and he's not. 

As for the pity party, maybe you need to start having a good time without him.
I know how to have fun without him, but I want to have fun with him.  I want a marriage where we are partners and I am not sure he knows how to do that. 

Not that you should jeaopardize your marriage or get a divorce, but is he going to leave you if you take the camp money and take the kids to the beach?
No he would not leave.  He would do something worse.  He would come with us and make everyone miserable.  He would drive and yell at all the drivers for 6 hours and complain about how much gas costs.  He would complain about carrying things and yell at the kids.  He does not know how to have fun and can pretty much suck the fun out of any situation, so you might get the picture.   

And if he does, then maybe the issues are deeper than you know, but should you continue to have to be on his misery train?

Go have fun and invite him, care for him even when he disconnects, be nice and let him know you really desire his company, but if he doesn't join in go and do it anyway and make yourself enjoy it. Don't nag him or be over emotional, just caring and inviting and don't get too hurt if he doesn't go. Just give him time to see that you he can enjoy life with you or you will just enjoy it anyway.
I already told him that I am picking the date that we are going on vacation and I am booking the motel and I will let him know what it is.  If he doesn't want to go, he can stay home.  But I also told him that even if we do end up going that it will not be the same as if he was enthusiastic about going in the first place.  He always manages to put a little cloud over fun things we do because he gripes about it so much that it is not  longer as much fun as it would have been if he wanted to go too. 

So, by your own admittance you don't really respect your husband, you've never built up his confidence by complimenting him and building him up in front of others, you act like it is a burden to be loving, and that you don't have the "natural" capacity to do so. On top of that, the man is working two jobs and you are sitting over there saying well, God will provide when your husband is the tool that has to make sure that provision is there. I can see why he would complain. He is working his butt off to support you and the kids and yet, feels completely disrespected, taken advantage of, and unaccepted in his own household. Lots of men have difficulty expressing their emotions and I'm pretty sure all that complaining is replacing what he can't say to you, that he feels taken for granted and like he can't ever do enough to make you love him or make you proud of him,

Honestly, I think you need to take a long hard look at yourself before you point out his faults, because I'm pretty sure the problem began with you. Not trying to be harsh, you can take it or leave it, but I think you should try putting yourself in hubby's shoes and see what it must feel like when he is worrying about finances and you are just "super spiritual" about God taking care of things. God does take care of things, but you are mocking the gift he gave you in your husband as a provider and leader for your family. 

Offline tallat

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Re: Is it possible for a marriage to die?
« Reply #7 on: Wed Jan 18, 2012 - 07:41:10 »
I read most of the quotes on here, but this would be way too long if I reposted them. But to DiamondGal, I just want to say that your husband sounds a lot like mine. Consequently, I feel your pain because it's horrible to try to live with someone who has disengaged himself from life...especially when you want so much more for your life and for your kids.

Unless you actually live in this situation, I think that some people have a hard time understanding just how difficult it really is to try to make a life for yourself and your kids apart from your spouse. When you get married, you become one in many ways. To try to separate that in the form of day-to-day living, while trying to maintain being one in a marital sense, is very frustrating and even painful sometimes.

It is very difficult to go out and make a life for yourself on your own when you're married. I have tried to do this for years, but quickly found that I didn't really fit in anywhere. If I'm alone, I'm socially 'single', but yet I'm not single, so I can't mingle with single people. If I try to do things with married couples, then I feel like an 'extra' the whole time because I'm not with my spouse. Going out and doing things alone isn't any fun, and frankly, a married person shouldn't have to do that on a regular basis. That's one of the perks to being married, isn't it?

To me, it sounds like your husband is exhausted...not only from working more than one job, but also from just dealing with the day-to-day in general. This is how my husband is. He goes to work (approx 55-60 hours a week) and then comes home and does nothing except watch TV. We both work together as far as transporting our child, necessary errands and the like, but we never do anything fun as a couple...ever! This is why vacations are so important because they are a time to not be so tired from work and to have a chance to have fun together. It sounds like he doesn't care to do that either. Neither does my husband.

With my husband and I, all this disengaging from life and our marriage has also affected us in the bedroom. I wonder if this is the case with you and your husband. If so, there is another area that requires serious attention. However, if that area is good, then there is hope for you.

My thoughts are that life is too short to be attached to someone who has no desire to change or be happy. Is this biblical grounds for divorce? No, it isn't....well, depending on whose viewpoint you get. In some religions, the marriage covenant requires physical, sexual, and emotional care of the spouse. To not do all those, is a violation of the covenant, but that's a topic for another forum.

Regardless, you need to decide just how unhappy you're willing to be and for how long. You cannot fix your spouse; he has to want to be fixed. He has to want to get help and change. If he absolutely does not want this, then I would find a way to live without him...in the form of a separation perhaps. But if he's at all willing, then work toward that with a godly counselor or your pastor. Remember that his personality is different from yours (pessimistic/optimistic), and he might just need a little extra push, or maybe a good kick in the butt to make him see that his life could be happier if he'd just engage in it.

Anyway, I've rambled, but I'm sure there is much, much more to your story and the affects of everything than what you've written. All I know is that life is too short to have to live alone, and no one should have to do that if you're married. Single people find a way to do that and be happy, but they're single. Married people shouldn't have to find a way to live alone unless there's some incapacitating illness or injury to one's spouse, which is not the case with you.

Offline DiamondGal

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Re: Is it possible for a marriage to die?
« Reply #8 on: Wed Jan 18, 2012 - 21:39:41 »
"So, by your own admittance you don't really respect your husband, you've never built up his confidence by complimenting him and building him up in front of others, you act like it is a burden to be loving, and that you don't have the "natural" capacity to do so. On top of that, the man is working two jobs and you are sitting over there saying well, God will provide when your husband is the tool that has to make sure that provision is there. I can see why he would complain. He is working his butt off to support you and the kids and yet, feels completely disrespected, taken advantage of, and unaccepted in his own household. Lots of men have difficulty expressing their emotions and I'm pretty sure all that complaining is replacing what he can't say to you, that he feels taken for granted and like he can't ever do enough to make you love him or make you proud of him,

I guess you missed the part where I said I have a job outside the home too?  I work everyday usually.  Sometimes on weekends too and every holiday, even Christmas.  The job I have has flexible hours so I can provide transportation to our son who has a learning disability and has a part-time job at a school.  I cannot work 9 - 5 because there would be no way to get him there and back home as there is no bus route.  We've been married 25 years and I have tried many different ways of getting him to change.  I've been blunt with him and told him that I am not happy - and we went to the marriage seminar.  Yes, he is a hard worker - but that's it.  He does not involve himself in the personal aspects of the family.  He does not worry about the kids and consider their feelings.  Another whole subject, and you probably won't like this, but he's not a Dad, never has been.  He's a father, but he's never been a Dad.  This is particularly hard for me because my own Dad died when I was 7 so I never got to experience that for myself.  My Mom did not remarry, did not date, nada.  She lost the love of her life but she did a great job raising me and my two older sisters.  The point is, when my husband and I had kids I had hoped he would embrace the role of Daddy, but he never did.  I tried to help him gently, but he never took the hints.  I tried to help him boldly, but he never caught on.  I'd buy him gift certificates for father's day so he could take the kids miniature golfing - he went but complained about it the whole time.  And yes, he did like miniature golfing because we went, once, during the early years.  I have tried to overlook things, and there is much I do not say to him - heck, we could be fighting every single day.  Instead we don't talk about anything except groceries, what to have for dinner, who needs a ride or needs to get picked up.  That's about it. 

Honestly, I think you need to take a long hard look at yourself before you point out his faults, because I'm pretty sure the problem began with you. Not trying to be harsh, you can take it or leave it, but I think you should try putting yourself in hubby's shoes and see what it must feel like when he is worrying about finances and you are just "super spiritual" about God taking care of things. God does take care of things, but you are mocking the gift he gave you in your husband as a provider and leader for your family." 
He is always worried about finances.  I am not saying that I expect God to step in and pay the bills while I go off vacationing around the world.  I want our family, including my husband, to take some time away from the world and relax.   To enjoy each other and make some memories.  I'm asking a lot of him because it probably will not turn out like that.  He will complain the entire time we are driving there, yell at the kids while we unpack, and complain about how much food they eat while in the motel room (they are not big eaters, but they are teenagers)  God loves me.  God loves my children.  And God loves my husband.  Now if we could just wrap it all up together, we'd be all set.   

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Re: Is it possible for a marriage to die?
« Reply #8 on: Wed Jan 18, 2012 - 21:39:41 »

Offline DiamondGal

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Re: Is it possible for a marriage to die?
« Reply #9 on: Wed Jan 18, 2012 - 21:43:35 »
I read most of the quotes on here, but this would be way too long if I reposted them. But to DiamondGal, I just want to say that your husband sounds a lot like mine. Consequently, I feel your pain because it's horrible to try to live with someone who has disengaged himself from life...especially when you want so much more for your life and for your kids.

Unless you actually live in this situation, I think that some people have a hard time understanding just how difficult it really is to try to make a life for yourself and your kids apart from your spouse. When you get married, you become one in many ways. To try to separate that in the form of day-to-day living, while trying to maintain being one in a marital sense, is very frustrating and even painful sometimes.

It is very difficult to go out and make a life for yourself on your own when you're married. I have tried to do this for years, but quickly found that I didn't really fit in anywhere. If I'm alone, I'm socially 'single', but yet I'm not single, so I can't mingle with single people. If I try to do things with married couples, then I feel like an 'extra' the whole time because I'm not with my spouse. Going out and doing things alone isn't any fun, and frankly, a married person shouldn't have to do that on a regular basis. That's one of the perks to being married, isn't it?

To me, it sounds like your husband is exhausted...not only from working more than one job, but also from just dealing with the day-to-day in general. This is how my husband is. He goes to work (approx 55-60 hours a week) and then comes home and does nothing except watch TV. We both work together as far as transporting our child, necessary errands and the like, but we never do anything fun as a couple...ever! This is why vacations are so important because they are a time to not be so tired from work and to have a chance to have fun together. It sounds like he doesn't care to do that either. Neither does my husband.

With my husband and I, all this disengaging from life and our marriage has also affected us in the bedroom. I wonder if this is the case with you and your husband. If so, there is another area that requires serious attention. However, if that area is good, then there is hope for you.

My thoughts are that life is too short to be attached to someone who has no desire to change or be happy. Is this biblical grounds for divorce? No, it isn't....well, depending on whose viewpoint you get. In some religions, the marriage covenant requires physical, sexual, and emotional care of the spouse. To not do all those, is a violation of the covenant, but that's a topic for another forum.

Regardless, you need to decide just how unhappy you're willing to be and for how long. You cannot fix your spouse; he has to want to be fixed. He has to want to get help and change. If he absolutely does not want this, then I would find a way to live without him...in the form of a separation perhaps. But if he's at all willing, then work toward that with a godly counselor or your pastor. Remember that his personality is different from yours (pessimistic/optimistic), and he might just need a little extra push, or maybe a good kick in the butt to make him see that his life could be happier if he'd just engage in it.

Anyway, I've rambled, but I'm sure there is much, much more to your story and the affects of everything than what you've written. All I know is that life is too short to have to live alone, and no one should have to do that if you're married. Single people find a way to do that and be happy, but they're single. Married people shouldn't have to find a way to live alone unless there's some incapacitating illness or injury to one's spouse, which is not the case with you.

Thank you for sharing some of your story with me.  Are you and your husband still together?  I hope things work out for you two too.  I don't want to live as a single person while I am married.  I want us to be a couple and to talk things over and plan our lives together, but it's just not turning out that way.  I pray and pray for him to change.  I pray for me to change.  I'm still waiting.  Life is short and I keep asking myself if I am missing out on something.  Am I missing out on having a husband that really loves me and really loves being a Dad?  Did I make a mistake 25 years ago? 

Some time I will tell you about our 25 wedding anniversary.  That's a story in itself. 

Offline tallat

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Re: Is it possible for a marriage to die?
« Reply #10 on: Wed Jan 18, 2012 - 22:49:29 »

Thank you for sharing some of your story with me.  Are you and your husband still together?  I hope things work out for you two too.  I don't want to live as a single person while I am married.  I want us to be a couple and to talk things over and plan our lives together, but it's just not turning out that way.  I pray and pray for him to change.  I pray for me to change.  I'm still waiting.  Life is short and I keep asking myself if I am missing out on something.  Am I missing out on having a husband that really loves me and really loves being a Dad?  Did I make a mistake 25 years ago? 

Some time I will tell you about our 25 wedding anniversary.  That's a story in itself. 

Yes, my husband and I are still together, but not because we want to be. My goal is to become financially independent enough to get a divorce. Feel free to share about your 25th anniversary, if you want. For me, my two most dreaded days are Valentine's Day followed with our anniversary.

I try to forget our anniversary. It's like remembering a horrible day that's ruined my life ever since. FYI: I have a thread on here called "Living in a Loveless, Sexless Marriage" if you're interested. I've deleted many of my earlier posts, but have since written on it some. You might be able to relate as it sounds like our husbands are quite similar in some major ways.

Offline Renae610

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Re: Is it possible for a marriage to die?
« Reply #11 on: Thu Jan 19, 2012 - 01:20:31 »
 Have you, Diamondgal and Tallat, ever attended Dr. Emerson Eggerich's "Love & Respect" Seminar with your husbands?  I strongly recommend it.
Order the DVD seminar and show it at your church.   

 Don't focus on the last 25 years and give up.  It is time for a new beginning, starting with God leading you to new truth and start to rebuild!   

Your husbands are not the problem. The Devil is!  He has stole from you what God meant to be yours and your husband's!!   You are not powerless, my dear sisters!  God is in the marriage covenant, and He wants you to win and have the marriage of your dreams!  He promises to lead this restoration forward!   Yes it is possible, because nothing is impossible with HIM!   You were saved to be an overcomer through Christ who loves you!!   

Marriages dies when a spouse chooses to be faithless--  don't let that one be you!   Having done all to stand, STAND more...the Word says...

Why settle for less than God intended for your marriage?  Go for the GOLD!  Why drop out when the situation is ripe for a miracle?!     












Offline tallat

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Re: Is it possible for a marriage to die?
« Reply #12 on: Thu Jan 19, 2012 - 06:39:11 »
Have you, Diamondgal and Tallat, ever attended Dr. Emerson Eggerich's "Love & Respect" Seminar with your husbands?  I strongly recommend it.
Order the DVD seminar and show it at your church.  

 Don't focus on the last 25 years and give up.  It is time for a new beginning, starting with God leading you to new truth and start to rebuild!  

Your husbands are not the problem. The Devil is!  He has stole from you what God meant to be yours and your husband's!!   You are not powerless, my dear sisters!  God is in the marriage covenant, and He wants you to win and have the marriage of your dreams!  He promises to lead this restoration forward!   Yes it is possible, because nothing is impossible with HIM!   You were saved to be an overcomer through Christ who loves you!!  

Marriages dies when a spouse chooses to be faithless--  don't let that one be you!   Having done all to stand, STAND more...the Word says...

Why settle for less than God intended for your marriage?  Go for the GOLD!  Why drop out when the situation is ripe for a miracle?!    


I have the 'Love and"Respect' Cd's and have listened to them. Over the years, I have tried everything from reading books on marriage, to CDs, and I even go to to a counselor once in a while. In spite of all this, I really do try to be a good wife and do what God wants me to do.

You're right that the Devil (or rather, sin) is the underlying problem with my husband, but that's irrelevant. Sin is the deeper issue with every problem in this world. Unless a person chooses to get help for themselves, all the knowledge in the world is useless. We all have a will and we all have choices. God will not override our will and this is where the problem lies. All the praying, crying, hoping, waiting, etc. will never have an end UNTIL the person decides he/she wants to change.

As for my husband, he just doesn't care....period! We just had this discussion two nights ago. He chooses to just exist until he dies. He is a walking shell of a human being who does the bare minimum that he has to in order to survive, meaning work a job, and running errands. He has zero desire to do anything fun, be intimate, be social, talk, etc.

My husband has made his choice, and continues to make his choices, that hurt his life and those who are connected to him. His will is that he stays miserable and doesn't try. Until he desires to give over his will to God, nothing will change with my husband. All I can do is focus on what I can do and I can change, which is what I've been doing for the last 15 years, but there just reaches a point where you're tired of wasting your life away on someone who is just dragging you down with him. I say this because much of life is better when shared with someone else. When you're married - and alone - you miss out on all that.

Offline Renae610

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Re: Is it possible for a marriage to die?
« Reply #13 on: Thu Jan 19, 2012 - 12:23:10 »
I totally understand, Tallat.   I am not naive. I was legally married but it was not a real marriage.  A Domestic Abuse counselor told me he is "emotionally bankrupt" and religiously abusive (among other things) and she said there is no way I could have imagined who he really is when I married him. It was a severe case.  Counselors and pastors could not help.  I tried to set up an intervention in which loved ones would support him toward getting expert help, but nobody thought he would follow through so they were unwilling to support this effort.  Finally, he told me one day that he realized he hurts me continuously (abuse had escalated to physical) and he felt he can't change so he had filed for divorce.  This was not my choice. It was his.  I wanted a real marriage.  The day before he told me he was filing for divorce, the Holy Spirit came upon me in a profound way, saying "It is woven into him. It is enough". He released and delivered me.  Still my ex's brother and I prayed until the day my ex married a foreign woman a year later. 

I would suggest that you try to set up an intervention.  I believe it is the best act of love you can do at this point.  Your husband needs to hear from those closest to him, that his attitudes and behaviors are hurtful and it is time to recover from whatever damage is inside him.  He should be told by the person leading the intervention (not you) that playing lazy and apathetic is not an option! If he is in depression, there is help for that. 

I have had incredible experience with "alternative healthcare", in which they identify the trauma, grief or whatever has a hold on a person and release it.   And of course, prayer is also important in all of this.   Standard counseling may not be enough, so I just want you to know there is more out there that really works!   

Offline Renae610

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Re: Is it possible for a marriage to die?
« Reply #14 on: Thu Jan 19, 2012 - 12:30:56 »
I also want to add, that what many Christian wives don't think about, is that their husbands may need PHYSICAL help.  The medical system in the U.S. is not adequately finding the health issues we are facing these days.  But start with a general physical checkup, and then go beyond that to find out if he has low hormones levels or nutritional deficiencies, etc that are contributing to his low mood and function.  If you have been married 25 years, your husband is probably going through Andropause too.   

Offline Renae610

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Re: Is it possible for a marriage to die?
« Reply #15 on: Fri Jan 20, 2012 - 11:37:08 »
As women, we tend to focus on what we're not getting in the relationship and struggle with the pain.   But I think of equal importance is WHY is he (husband) acting so dysfunctional??  Is it a physical health problem?  Is there trauma in him keeping him despondent and doesn't know how to process through it?  Many men stuff their feelings, like a soldier who must focus on the battle out there in the world, not on his own personal conflicts.  But those personal conflicts MUST be resolved.   It is time for an intervention.   If your pastor won't confront him, then you may have to call on a professional to do it ---  see  www.innervention.com

Offline anx

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Re: Is it possible for a marriage to die?
« Reply #16 on: Fri Jan 20, 2012 - 16:12:54 »
I have been out for a few days, and have wanted to reply to your post.

You guys need and could seriously benefit from a experienced Christian marriage and family counselor. You need much more than a marriage seminar.

You need to sit down and talk with someone who will open your husband up and not let him shut down after 30 seconds. They work all day with people who shut down. Depending on you insurance, they can be affordable. However, I would use the money you were going to use on the beach of your marriage.

My story is on here as well, and very different from your own. I cannot tell you how important marriage counseling was. Your husband is a prime example of someone who needs help communicating and realizing the effect his negatively has on people around him. It can work. He can realize that.

Please get in with someone and see what happens.

Blessings.

Offline epiphanius

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Re: Is it possible for a marriage to die?
« Reply #17 on: Sun Jan 22, 2012 - 21:47:24 »
DiamondGal,

Just my two cents here, but I find myself more prone to complain about little things when something much bigger is bothering me, and I just can't seem to deal with it. It seems that your husband's biggest problem is being a chronic complainer, and I would expect that he also has something bothering him. It seems as though it's been bothering him for a long time, and he has completely despaired of ever resolving it.

One thing you can't do, however, is bring it up directly--even if you have a strong suspicion about what it is. This would be seen as a frontal assault, and would be met with the strongest defense possible. If you really want to deal with this it will take lots of patience, because you cannot introduce the subject with any indication that you suspect a problem, or that you feel he ought to open up to you on this, etc.

For example, you mention that he left the Catholic church when he married you, and he may feel guilty about this. Note that I'm not saying that he does, only that he may--you will have to use your intuition here and think of something that *might* be bothering him. Look for an opportunity to bring up the subject in a roundabout way--the more roundabout the better, like something in the news, or a local event that you heard about. This is where you'll get an honest reaction, and if it's particularly hostile, it's a good sign that you're "warm."

Then, just let it drop. If you act too interested, it will be obvious that you're "fishing," and he will just clam up. In fact, I'm not even sure what you would need to do next, except to pray over it and look for an opportunity to bring up the subject again.

(One thing you need to be aware of, too, is that he knows how you typically react in emotionally charged situations, and probably doesn't like it at all. This is a common reason men have for emotionally shutting their wives out. If you can notice any patterns in you own behavior and manage to alter them, you may find that he starts behaving differently.)

May God bless you both, and may He bring healing to your marriage.

Offline Ray in Florida

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Re: Is it possible for a marriage to die?
« Reply #18 on: Wed Jan 25, 2012 - 19:06:49 »
Dear DG ...

As a husband who has been there, allow me to offer a few observations:

1) if the grass looks greener elsewhere ... check the "fertilizer" you're using ...

2) a marriage is like a garden ... with the right "tools" ... and with the right fertilizer (attention and commitment) and water (love) ... your garden can be beautiful; but when abandoned, it isn't long before the weeds (resentment, apathy, indifference) take over ... and your garden (marriage) becomes an eyesore ... how good are your tools?

3) when you got married, you did more than exchange vows ... you made a covenant with GOD ... can you find a way to honor that covenant?

My story is elsewhere on this forum, so I won't take up space here with it ... but to share a little background ... my SW and I have been married for 24 years now ... and almost from the beginning, she told me the same thing ... she loved me, but she wasn't "in love" with me ... in '04, she had an affair ... lasted over 1 year ... we survived ... in'09, she wanted a separation ... I knew then that I wasn't equipped to handle things ... so I asked Jesus into my life ... and my marriage ... i began taking classes at my church ... learned a lot ... like, realizing that I needed to let JESUS do the heavy lifting in my marriage ... and with my wife ...  and HE DID ...

I learned about commitment ... and covenant ... and about becoming a "team" ...

Dear Sister ... so can you ... just ask JESUS into your marriage ... ask HIM to take and make you over into a daughter that HE can use ... to GLORIFY HIM ... through the rebirth of your marriage ...

Be Blessed, Dear Sister in Christ ...

Ephesians 5: 21
"Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ (the Messiah, the Anointed One)."