Author Topic: Is it really "natural" for men to notice other women, or am I not good enough?  (Read 30758 times)

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Offline ChristianGirl80

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I am really praying that both men and women can give me some advice and help so that I can get past this issue I am having and be happy in my relationship.  I have finally met a really great christian guy, and in every way has proven to me what a wonderful person he is.  I have prayed and prayed about this relationship, making sure that it is God's will.  I have never had anyone treat me the way he has, and he makes me want to be a better person, a stonger Christian, and makes me want to be the best I can for him also.  We have dated now for about a year, and instead of the great qualities going away or fading, it all just gets better.  He has started to talk about marriage, and how he knows he could never find anyone like me, and he feels as if I am the one God has chosen for him.  I believe all of that, and I need to work through some things that have hurt me in the past that make me insecure in this relationship.  Before him, I allowed myself to be treated less than great, and was cheated on by numerous occasions.  2 1/2 years ago I brokeup with someone I was with for 5 years because he cheated on me.  I have no question in my mind that the man I am with now would ever cheat.  It doesnt even worry me, he was cheated on before he met me, and I know without a doubt he would never do that.  However I think because of what I went through previously I am very insecure about certain things.  The guy who cheated on me constantly looked at other women, even right in front of me and would say things sometimes about them.  I never felt good enough.  This happened in other relationships, and now I have this horrible issue where I can't get past that.  I have a really hard time accepting that it is natural for men to notice other women.  I have read and been told that men and women are just different in that way.  I am so happy and content in the relationship I am in that I do not notice other good looking men throughout the day.  I really cant remember the last time I thought anythign like that to myself (except about my boyfriend)  Somehow because of a sermon at church we got on this subject one day and I asked him if he looked at other women.  He has never had an interest in mens magazines, he said he's always known they were wrong, and he said he's always known it was wrong to look at women lustfully, like they were a piece of meat.  He said he felt this way even when he was single.  But he said that he can't help but notice an attractive woman, not that he goes looking for them, but if there is one right in front of him its like a reaction just to notice.  He said he doesnt dwell on it or let his thoughts go anywhere else, but noticing them happens before he can even think about it.  He said sometimes he does a double take, and he thinks thats a natural reaction also.  He said he would never do anything, and he has no desire to do anything because he knows what he has with me, and nothing could compare to that, and that no matter what I will always be more beautiful to him than anyone else.  But just because he finds me beautiful doesnt mean he wont notice anyone else.  My problem is, if he is so happy with me, why would he even be on the lookout for other attractive women?  I see people all the same, just as people.  If I were single and looking for someone I would definitely take notice, but being that I am very happy and content with him, I am oblivious.  It makes me feel like I am not enough if he notices other women.  And I know in the bible in different places it speaks about a man not looking at other women.  It doesnt speak about women that way.  For instance, with Job and how he made a covenant to not lust after other women.  So obviously men are different in this way.  And we both read The Purpose Driven life together, there was a whole section about this and the temptations.  And it was directed towards men, and how being attracted to another woman is not a sin until you dwell on it and it becomes lust.  I just dont understand how men cant just be satisfied with what they have.  If you are looking it makes me think somewhere inside you must looking for something better.  And I dont understand how doing a double take is a natural reaction.  If you look once maybe, but when you look the second time that is your choice.  But he said that if he notices someone out of the corner of his eye he will look again and it happens before he realizes it.  He is one of the most honest people I know, and if he tried to lie about anything it would be so obvious.  So i know he is being honest about this and how he feels.  I just feel like if he is always noticing other people, he must not be completely happy with me, and one day he may find someone else who is better.  I know looks arent everything, but for men it is what starts the attraction and the desire to be with someone.  I guess I am having trouble accepting or understanding why  and how men are so different in this.  I wish I could understand why men dont have eyes only for their wife, but women do.  I would really appreciate any men who have input in this and who could maybe explain to me their side, and any woman who may have been through the same feelings and know how to get past it!

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Offline stevehut

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Newbie, I didn't even read more than a few lines of your post.  But here it is:

We are all sinners.  The only difference between one person and another, is which sins and how often and if you confess and repent afterward.

All men have the capacity to be unfaithful.  And so do you. Just about everyone who strays, once thought they were above it.

Mr. Wonderful has probably noticed a few sins in you as well.  Ask him about it.

He's a sinner, and so are you.  He will certainly mess up from time to time, and so will you.  Just accept it and move on.


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Offline chosenone

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Christisn girl. I do understand how you feel. I am married, and have absolutely NO interest in any other man WHATSOEVER. We are told that man are wired differently, and none of us can help who we see walking towards us in the street, or who is at work or whatever. What we can help though, is that we don't stare, look twice, or deliberately watch a film or something on TV, or read a mag that has naked or semi naked people in.
My husband is very moral and has so much integrity. He cant help who is around him, and what they choose to wear, but he does do all he can not to stare, or look again, or to watch things that he knows will have women in it who aren't wearing much. If something comes on TV that he knows he shouldn't be seeing, he will close his eyes. He has even had to do this many times at churches in the past when a few of the women werent wearing much, and one even got baptised in a bikini! He closed his eyes or looked away,and I do love that about him. It can become a habit to "bounce the eyes" away when a women who a man is attracted to, or who isn't wearing much, walks by, but it takes practise.

It sounds as if your guy is trying hard, and doing well. Maybe he just needs to practise the 'not looking twice' thing.   I can totally understand that it hurts, many women feel the same and wonder if they are 'not good enough' or something. However it doesnt mean that he doesnt truly love you.
Its hard to know if it is something that is 'normal', or whether it is a result of the fall, but yes, it can be very hurtful especially if you have been cheated on before, as you will be extra sensitive. For a man to do what your previous boyfriend did, and stare and make comments in front of you, is cruel and totally disrespectful.
« Last Edit: March 17, 2011, 12:11:19 PM by chosenone »

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Offline Apothecary 4 Christ

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Sounds to me like you have found a good, honest man.  Yes, guys are more wired for visual temptations.  That is not to say that many women aren't also tempted in this way. 

I love watching my daughter play basketball.  I DO notice other good players on the floor...sometimes even from the opposing team!  It doesn't change the fact that I only LOVE her...and would not dream of taking any of the other players home to replace her.  She's my daughter.   She has my heart for life. 

I know.  Not a perfect illustration.  But just because a guy notices another woman who happens to be pretty does not mean he thinks anything less of you, or is any less committed to you.

Also, just as a man cannot "excuse" lust or improper behavior on the basis of his genetics...so a woman cannot excuse becoming "angry" or "distrustful" or "resentful" because she cannot understand this.  There can be sin both ways.

May the Lord truly bless your relationship in Jesus Christ,

Jason
 

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Offline ChristianGirl80

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@ChosenOne
Thank you so much for making me feel like you do understand, I am trying so hard to make sense of this on my own so that I dont cause him grief that he doesnt deserve.
and
Jason,  I really appreciate your honest answer, and I want youto know I am not angry or resentful towards him in anyway.  I know this is something that I need to deal with and its not his fault.  I am just trying to understand it so that I can move past it and not let it affect me.  Thats the reason I am here, and your response really helped a lot and makes me think.  I really do appreciate it.


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Offline Lively Stone

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A male's eye is a gateway. Christian men have to guard that gateway, and that starts with the double take. When a Christian man does a double take, he has already stepped into the trap.

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Offline Lively Stone

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Hiya Christiangirl80.  I just was reading your testimony and felt the need to register and pass along a little bit of wisdom from my many years of experience.  I too used to be jealous.  My husband had a strong libido when we got married some 35 years ago.  So when I got pregnant I just knew he would be looking at other women because I was not desiring to be intimate with him at that time.   Now we all know that God made men to be fertile their entire lives but thankfully us ladies only can have children till we're about 40 to 45 at the latest.  So men naturally are going to look around.  Don't matter if they are christians or heathens.  Because that is how God made them.  But it took me a while to figure that one out sister.  I thought I was supposed to keep him at home no matter what.  I felt like I was to be his boss and make sure nobody else slept with him.  but then I started actually reading my bible instead of just letting the pastors just tell me what was in there and I made some discoveries that made me a little uncomfortable at first.   But then I decided to let God's will have His way with me.  I said to myself, if the majority of the holy men of the bible were out there sowing their wild oats, why should I think it such a bad thing for the man of my life to do the same thing.  I then told my man, if you need to do this while I am pregnant, then please don't leave me for another.   And he never has left me for another and never would even though he has had a string of ladies on the side.   The fact that my man is virile makes me proud.   I don't want no wimpy man.  Do you feel me?   I am glad that God did not give me a man that I can control.  Its not in me to be a little harpie control freak as they say.  You got to just let it go and let God.  Remember, its us ladies that are called to be exlusive to our man, not the other way around.


It was up to your husband to remain true to his vows to you. God obviously means very little to him. I surely hope and pray he hasn't brought home disease to you, or produced any other children with other women in his randiness that you have allowed. You may not appreciate what you think is a 'wimpy man', but you are one wimpy, backbone-less woman.

I am proud of my man who has been faithful to me and has no eye problem either, for 35 years. He loves me as Christ loves His Church---sacrificially.

Would Jesus act like your husband? Is that true love? Let me answer that for you. No.

Offline Lively Stone

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Well you may say that but that is not how my husband and I reason.  I don't think that my man should be held accountable to standards that even the holy men of the bible were not held to and he has not stepped into any trap.   It is me that though God's help has stepped OUT of the trap of thinking I am his master.   We are so much happier ever since I decided to not try to control him any more.   He has always done his christian duty of providing for me instead of thinking that the government would be my husband (social security).  So you're entitled to your opinion but don't be judging my man by standards that even the men of the bible were not judged by sister.  Thanks you

You obviously are not familiar with the word of God or God Himself.

I think you need to give your head a shake if you think your marriage is happy and fulfilling. It is certainly not blessed by God with both of your attitudes. You have given up maybe out of fear, rather than make a stand. Do you believe you deserve to be treated badly?

The men of the Bible were judged for infidelity. Your husband will be also.

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It seems natural for me, but "self control" is one of the attributes of the Holy Spirit. The more I allow Him in the less likely I'll sin in that area. Post your picture and I'll be the judge if you are good enough...not really! geez! oink oink

Seriously though, if you are concerned about it maybe you should talk to your minister as a couple before you tie the knot.

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Offline Lively Stone

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Well you know what they say about opinions every body has them and they usually stink.  but no I do appreciate you weighing in with your bold font and all but my man and I do not need any teachings outside of the bible to judge us by.   Jesus never condemned the holy men of the bible and neither do we.   My man does his job of being a provider and protector and I do mine of being compliant and a good mother and wife.   And that is all God requires of husbands and wives.   Nowhere in the bible do it say for me to be a boss or lord over my man.

Opinion? God's word says ADULTERY is sin. So, you condone the sin in your marriage? The unholy acts against you?

You both are not following the Bible! God requires men to LOVE and HONOUR their wives! He requires FAITHFULNESS! ONE FLESH and all that! Have you accepted Jesus as your personal Saviour? Your Lord?

Without repentance there is no forgiveness for your husband's gross sin, nor your acceptance of it by your low standards for yourself and your  marriage.

I sincerely hope you have no children, for your marriage is not a Godly one, nor will it be forever, unless you both come to Jesus and follow after His ways. You will then discover the true joys of a happy, fulfilling marriage.

Offline Apothecary 4 Christ

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  You got to just let it go and let God.  Remember, its us ladies that are called to be exlusive to our man, not the other way around.

Oh my.   ::doh::


Offline Lively Stone

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It is truly amazing how some people will just judge and judge and judge and judge.   And then the bold font is really annoying.  Its scream I have a complex that I think no one will notice me if my words aren't bolded.  But look you don't have any bible to quote from to prove that my man is adultery for being with unmarried ladies now do you.  No you don't.  I didn't think so.  We are happy and faithful in the Lord not like some folks who let the pastor do all the bible researching for them.   My husband provides for me like the Lord tells him to and I am always ready to do what my man says of me to do.  That is the picture of marriage that Jesus paints for me in the bible.  It is not adultery for him to have other ladies if he is taking care of them and can provide for me as well that is fine and scriptural.  
But thanks for your unbiblical opinions.  Please make your font bigger because I can't read it well enough lively little stone.

Adultery is having sexual relations with another person while married. Your husband fits that bill.

Where is your Bible proof that what you are doing is of God?

What about:

Exodus 20:14
You shall not commit adultery.

Leviticus 20:10
‘The man who commits adultery with another man’s wife, he who commits adultery with his neighbor’s wife, the adulterer and the adulteress, shall surely be put to death.

These alone should prick you in your spirit concerning its wickedness.

Happiness and faithfulness is elusive to those who deliberately walk their own path to destruction. You both are unfaithful to God. Your husband's provision is the very least he can do and if that is all you care about, then you have a problem in yourself. As far as your being happy thinking you must do what he tells you to do, you have no idea about the give and take of a loving marriage relationship.

In fact, I don't believe you are even real. I think you are trolling this thread and you are trying to hijack a perfectly good advice thread with filth.




Offline chosenone

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marlie both husbands and wives are told by God to be faithful. The Bible says to be faithful to the wife of your youth.Your husband has no morals and is committing serious sexual sins with women who he isn't married to, and you are enabling his appalling behaviour..
This nonsense that men need to look elsewhere because one women isn't enough is rubbish and totally unbiblical. Just because a woman is past child bearing years, doesn't mean that she cant have regular sex. We are on our mid 50's and have no intention of stopping for a long time.
You are also implying that a man cant possibly go without sex for short periods such as when a baby is born, like he is an animal who has no control over his lusts or something.Of course he can, and men do it all the time.

My husband is 100% faithful to me and I to him. Our marriage bed is not defiled by any other women or man.We promised to be faithful to each other and not to cheat. We arent faithful because some pastor told us to be (as you implied) but because that is what God says to do. My husband has been reading the BIble for 45 years, and what God says about marriage and faithfullness is pretty clear. Being a husband is far more that just providing for his wife. He is to love her as Christ loves the church, he is to be faithful to her and not sleep around with other women any more than wives should do to their husbands.It is your husband who makes up what God says, and not those men who obey God by being faithful, and keeping their promises to their wife, and keeping the marriage bed pure.

Paul says let each man have his own wife and let each women have her own husband. Adultery and fornication are very serious sins.  Even lusting after a women in his heart is adultery according to Jesus, how much more serious is the actual act.  
« Last Edit: March 17, 2011, 03:34:29 PM by chosenone »

Offline chosenone

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 Any woman who claims that a man who is virile HAS to have many women is totally deluded. To claim that a man who is faithful is 'wimpy' is appalling. They are the ones who are strong. It is the ones who sleep around who are the wimps. My husband is all man and yet he is 100% faithful. I would NEVER be intersted in a man who thought it was fine to sleep around, and then even have the cheek to say it was Biblical.

Offline chosenone

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ChristianGirl80 you be the judge for yourself.  People are saying things but they don't have sound bible teachings to back it up.   Yes the bible says do not commit adultery.  But that command does not define what adultery is.   Then another place that lively stone quotes is leviticus 20:10.  But that says adultery has to do with a married woman.  The other women that my man has in his life are not married and so it is not adultery and not wrong for him and I fully support him.  If he were to have other woman and then leave me then that would be unfaitfulness.   But he continues to provide for me instead of letting the government do his job.   I'm a happy content wife because i choose to let God make me into a biblical wife for my husband.  My man has been faithful to the wife of his youth, me, by continuing to do the husband's part in the marriage by providing me with food and clothing and still sleeping with me when I need it. This all is spelled out in Exodus 21:10.   This all is spelled out clear.   Read it for yourself and don't let the pastors decide for you.  If your man has strong needs like my man it is not a sin for him to multiply his love.  Love conquers all.   It is only wrong for us ladies to be intimate with a man not our husbands.  That is vulgar and disgusting.   Roman 7:3 says it is adultery.  God bless you in your pursuit of the glory of the Lord.  


 So if a man sleeps around, it is now called 'multiplying his love'. Well thats a new one. I'll tell that one to my pastor. It is actually called fornication or adultery.It is called unfaithfulness. It is not love to sleep around, it is lust and sin.
Your husband, whether you like it or not, is committing serious sexual sin. The women are committing adultery because he is married to you.
He is of course NOT being faithful to the wife of his youth because he is sleeping around. He is not loving you as Christ loves the church because he is cheating. He is not keeping the marriage bed pure.If you think that all a husband is, is making sure you have a home and food, then I feel sorry for you.You are loosing out BIG time.

Many men are virile and like lots of sex. That's why they get married. That's why their wives are told not to withhold sex, as are the husbands.It was your choice not to have sex while pregnant,and it was your(wrong) choice to tell him to be unfaithful, but as a man of God, he should have refused because he is sinning sexually and will have to account for that before God. You are making men out to be some sort of animal who has no control and who cant possibly go without sex for a short time. The truly strong man of God is the one who is faithful and who keeps his marriage vows and keeps the marriage bed undefiled. He is the one who will be 'blessed with the rewards of fidelity' as the Bible says.
« Last Edit: March 18, 2011, 05:06:45 AM by chosenone »