Author Topic: Is it too late for God to save my wife and this marriage  (Read 7080 times)

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Offline topman

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Is it too late for God to save my wife and this marriage
« on: Thu Jan 05, 2012 - 07:38:05 »
Okay here goes my story – it would hurt writing all this down and it has to come out I guess. I had been together with my wife of 6 years (we were married for nearly 2). It all started about this time last year.  My wife was suffering from post-natal depression and starting university (studying mental health nursing) which I don’t think helped either.
I have to admit – I had not been the best husband I could have been – I verbally abused my wife, calling her fat – I neglected her. She ended up becoming friends with another female student who was just into going out a clubbing – she ended up going out – coming later in the morning leaving me at home with the our little boy. I even found out she had kissed a guy at a club a couple of times.

Well in Mar 2011 – in a fit of rage – I left the flat and we separated – after a couple of days I came to my senses and tried to make things work – I even got her to come with me to our pastor – she refused to say I could come back saying ‘she needed space’ – I decided to give this to her – we did not have a few good months between then and July – I had to arrange to pick up my little boy every other weekend (I was staying at my mum’s at this time). One Sunday afternoon when I was dropping off my boy - we got to talking and I found out that she had been seeing another man for the past month (I was really broken as we had an agreement that during the time apart we were not to see other people but get closer to God).

I was really broken – I went through a bad phase of depression – I still do now – but God helps me through. Anyway – I found my own place in Aug 2011 as she continued to see this guy and have him by my son.  So I continued my work with God – and build on his relationship. I found a new church, small group and friends (though I did not share with them my past) – as I was not ready to – I still haven’t but I know I should but do not know how.

I entered into a separation and divorce course in Oct that went on til end Nov – by then I had made a decision to start proceeding with a divorce by Mar 2012 – by then I thought I would have healed from at least anger – so my motives would not come from there – however during my course in this time my wife broke relations with the guy and started to reach out to my family again.  We started chatting abit more – all of which is confusing for me.

I invited her over to my flat around Nov – it started well but ended badly when she told me she had not only been with the guy but 10 other men during our separation – of course did ended bitterly with more arguments and confusion.

Forward to end of Nov – we are communicating again and she brings up she saw a preview New year Eve – I said casually she should let me know the times when it came out and we will see. I did not think she would but she did and booked tickets. A week before she said she wanted to talk to me about something, - on the night – she said she missed me and wanted to know if this really was it.  Ohh year and her last relationship left her with herpes so what now? 

So this is where we are – I’m broken, hurt and feel alone – after all my wife has done to me, I have hated her, cursed her, forgiven her – I still love her – part of me wants to end this marriage, God has given me a way out, support is thorn in my family which confuses me more.  I do not know what to do. 
God bless

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Is it too late for God to save my wife and this marriage
« on: Thu Jan 05, 2012 - 07:38:05 »

larry2

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Re: Is it too late for God to save my wife and this marriage
« Reply #1 on: Thu Jan 05, 2012 - 08:10:34 »

Your wife may be using you when she found that all others were just using her. We have all done this with our Lord as we grow up in the things of our lives that God allows. We must be led, and hopefully your wife has come to that point in her life. You love her, do not want her hurt, and yet you don't want to be hurt and need help yourself. Please consider good Christian marriage counseling. God is able to heal your marriage, but both of you must be willing to work at it.

Here is a marriage seminar I transcribed and posted if you're interested.
http://www.gracecentered.com/christian_forums/christian-marriage-forum/marriage-seminar-links/

May God bless you as you enter this trial of your faith, and God makes all things work together for your good in Jesus' name.

Offline topman

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Re: Is it too late for God to save my wife and this marriage
« Reply #2 on: Thu Jan 05, 2012 - 09:20:11 »
Thanks Larry – that’s what I don’t understand – that she let herself be used in such a way – she ended last year a total different person that she started it- causing damage to herself mentally (see got more depressed and derailed with her actions), physically and spiritually (fell away from God) – the only reasons why I’m still having a drop of hope is cause she had that brilliance once of a Christian, the fact I don’t want my dreams to be stolen- I want what the enemy has taken given back to me – and for my boy to be raised in a family and not a broken home – I don’t want to find someone else and him see a nuclear family and he be caught in between – I don’t want that for him – but are these reasons to stay in a marriage – also there is no trust – I find it hard to trust her but I have to give her a chance just has God has given me one.

Better still – my internal conflict goes on – I want to start in Mar with divorce proceedings – that’s one road that would free us – and I can start afresh with someone who will not hurt me with even half of what she has done.

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Re: Is it too late for God to save my wife and this marriage
« Reply #2 on: Thu Jan 05, 2012 - 09:20:11 »

Offline Vianca2

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Re: Is it too late for God to save my wife and this marriage
« Reply #3 on: Thu Jan 05, 2012 - 09:31:53 »
Okay here goes my story – it would hurt writing all this down and it has to come out I guess. I had been together with my wife of 6 years (we were married for nearly 2). It all started about this time last year.  My wife was suffering from post-natal depression and starting university (studying mental health nursing) which I don’t think helped either.
I have to admit – I had not been the best husband I could have been – I verbally abused my wife, calling her fat – I neglected her. She ended up becoming friends with another female student who was just into going out a clubbing – she ended up going out – coming later in the morning leaving me at home with the our little boy. I even found out she had kissed a guy at a club a couple of times.

Well in Mar 2011 – in a fit of rage – I left the flat and we separated – after a couple of days I came to my senses and tried to make things work – I even got her to come with me to our pastor – she refused to say I could come back saying ‘she needed space’ – I decided to give this to her – we did not have a few good months between then and July – I had to arrange to pick up my little boy every other weekend (I was staying at my mum’s at this time). One Sunday afternoon when I was dropping off my boy - we got to talking and I found out that she had been seeing another man for the past month (I was really broken as we had an agreement that during the time apart we were not to see other people but get closer to God).

I was really broken – I went through a bad phase of depression – I still do now – but God helps me through. Anyway – I found my own place in Aug 2011 as she continued to see this guy and have him by my son.  So I continued my work with God – and build on his relationship. I found a new church, small group and friends (though I did not share with them my past) – as I was not ready to – I still haven’t but I know I should but do not know how.

I entered into a separation and divorce course in Oct that went on til end Nov – by then I had made a decision to start proceeding with a divorce by Mar 2012 – by then I thought I would have healed from at least anger – so my motives would not come from there – however during my course in this time my wife broke relations with the guy and started to reach out to my family again.  We started chatting abit more – all of which is confusing for me.

I invited her over to my flat around Nov – it started well but ended badly when she told me she had not only been with the guy but 10 other men during our separation – of course did ended bitterly with more arguments and confusion.

Forward to end of Nov – we are communicating again and she brings up she saw a preview New year Eve – I said casually she should let me know the times when it came out and we will see. I did not think she would but she did and booked tickets. A week before she said she wanted to talk to me about something, - on the night – she said she missed me and wanted to know if this really was it.  Ohh year and her last relationship left her with herpes so what now? 

So this is where we are – I’m broken, hurt and feel alone – after all my wife has done to me, I have hated her, cursed her, forgiven her – I still love her – part of me wants to end this marriage, God has given me a way out, support is thorn in my family which confuses me more.  I do not know what to do. 
God bless

Sounds like she has no respect for you or your marriage.  Try getting some counseling with an expert.  If that doesn't work.  Then it is better to get a divorce and start again.  It seems to me that you deserve better.  Just remember than divorce is devastating for kids.  But in my opinion a bad marriage is worst.  I wish you the best in whatever decision you make.

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Re: Is it too late for God to save my wife and this marriage
« Reply #3 on: Thu Jan 05, 2012 - 09:31:53 »

larry2

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Re: Is it too late for God to save my wife and this marriage
« Reply #4 on: Thu Jan 05, 2012 - 09:49:40 »

Brother, you have every right in the world, and with God to go through with those proceedings, and I know of no one that would blame you. Would she still just be using you until the next opportunity came by? I cannot answer that and only true repentance with dictate that for her. Secondly, would you hold up under your own conscience if you continue loving her?

We read in Ecclesiastes 4:12 that a threefold cord is not quickly broken; in this case that would consist of you, your wife and God. God is willing, but we must be equal participants. Another casualty is your son, but it may be better for him to have you parted than seeing you the victim of unfaithfulness. At this point I would just think it is all based on her total sincerity at reconciliation and love of you, and then you being assured of your total forgiveness of her never to be remembered or brought up again. Many times without these considerations, any future disagreement will bring forth the same arguments producing similar circumstances, and all you have done is delay the divorce for an additional year.

By the way, welcome to these forums and may God bless your decision in Jesus' name.

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Re: Is it too late for God to save my wife and this marriage
« Reply #4 on: Thu Jan 05, 2012 - 09:49:40 »



Offline topman

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Re: Is it too late for God to save my wife and this marriage
« Reply #5 on: Thu Jan 05, 2012 - 09:50:23 »
Yeah – I have been thinking about counselling – I really need that right now – my wife and I went for counselling most of the half of last year – it did not get us anywhere – but what I have learnt is it only works if two of you are in it.  My friend advised me that she still has a lot of spiritual growth to do – question is I’m 32 – how long do you wait – I cannot go through another year of this – what got me through 2011 other than God was knowing that 2012 was the year I would end the marriage – I don’t know how I can think and meditate on that for months only to start doubting in minutes of her taking to me saying I should consider another year.

I spoke to her today (5th Jan) – I told her that I can hold off for another year only if we use the time to explore every avenue of how we can make this work.  She agreed with me – she wants us to see if there’s a chance – for the sack of our boy growing up with a father and that she still loves me. The thing is while I write this I doubt her – I fear it will be waste of time – but if I divorce her she would be worse off – she has really sold herself short – with me, our marriage, God for pleasures of the world. She know it but she does not seek God – she says she’s trying – I don’t see it.  I want a relationship with a Christian wife (if she was never one I would not even be considering reconciling) but she was and I saw a radiant beautiful woman once – her spirit is still there inside this depressed shell I see now of her – I feel like I am having to go to hell literally to get her back – but is it worth it – am I wasting my time – should I leave her to the enemy? How will I live with myself in 20 yrs as I will still be in touch with her cause of my boy. What will I say to God when I meet him? He will understand if I divorced her but is it the right thing? Also she has herpes now so why stay I don’t want it – but that cant be the reason. 

God please give me answers in 2012

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Re: Is it too late for God to save my wife and this marriage
« Reply #5 on: Thu Jan 05, 2012 - 09:50:23 »

Offline Merryone

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Re: Is it too late for God to save my wife and this marriage
« Reply #6 on: Thu Jan 05, 2012 - 10:05:57 »
Yeah – I have been thinking about counselling – I really need that right now – my wife and I went for counselling most of the half of last year – it did not get us anywhere – but what I have learnt is it only works if two of you are in it.  My friend advised me that she still has a lot of spiritual growth to do – question is I’m 32 – how long do you wait – I cannot go through another year of this – what got me through 2011 other than God was knowing that 2012 was the year I would end the marriage – I don’t know how I can think and meditate on that for months only to start doubting in minutes of her taking to me saying I should consider another year.

I spoke to her today (5th Jan) – I told her that I can hold off for another year only if we use the time to explore every avenue of how we can make this work.  She agreed with me – she wants us to see if there’s a chance – for the sack of our boy growing up with a father and that she still loves me. The thing is while I write this I doubt her – I fear it will be waste of time – but if I divorce her she would be worse off – she has really sold herself short – with me, our marriage, God for pleasures of the world. She know it but she does not seek God – she says she’s trying – I don’t see it.  I want a relationship with a Christian wife (if she was never one I would not even be considering reconciling) but she was and I saw a radiant beautiful woman once – her spirit is still there inside this depressed shell I see now of her – I feel like I am having to go to hell literally to get her back – but is it worth it – am I wasting my time – should I leave her to the enemy? How will I live with myself in 20 yrs as I will still be in touch with her cause of my boy. What will I say to God when I meet him? He will understand if I divorced her but is it the right thing? Also she has herpes now so why stay I don’t want it – but that cant be the reason. 

God please give me answers in 2012


God has those answers for you. I will pray.

Offline anx

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Re: Is it too late for God to save my wife and this marriage
« Reply #7 on: Thu Jan 05, 2012 - 10:34:10 »
Your road is going to be very difficult. 10 men and herpes is a lot in a year.

Her change of heart may have come in large part because of herpes. You can't live the lifestyle she was leading with herpes and not infect 10 men a year. Finding a meaningful relationship after herpes is difficult at best, and you can't sleep around and not know that you are very likely infecting people.

At this point it really is up to you and if you see a future with the woman. The pain and hurt can fade, but will she ever be a faithful, loving wife?

Blessings

Offline topman

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Re: Is it too late for God to save my wife and this marriage
« Reply #8 on: Thu Jan 05, 2012 - 10:41:24 »
Many thanks anx – my heart says love her ‘ accept her broken’ she will see the truth and find God again – but brain says end this – both sides will be painful but staying might be guaranteed sorrow for me (I will forgive but do I have the strength to hold myself through the rest of our relationship) – going through the divorce might be guaranteed happiness as I know I will look for someone that will not hurt me – its just I will have no peace either seeing her move on with someone else, staying depressed or going back into old ways.

I don’t think I can trust her again – I want to let her go but cant – this internal conflict in my head if hurting and confusing me.  I just want to make a decision and go tunnel vision with it but I just cant seem to.

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Re: Is it too late for God to save my wife and this marriage
« Reply #8 on: Thu Jan 05, 2012 - 10:41:24 »

Offline Merryone

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Re: Is it too late for God to save my wife and this marriage
« Reply #9 on: Thu Jan 05, 2012 - 10:45:27 »
topman, I'd like to add that God does call you to forgive, but it doesn't mean that restoration of the marital relationship is the outcome that you must seek. Avail yourself of some good, Christians counseling as you have suggested you will do, and seek out strong prayer warriors to pray about this and for your decision.

Offline anx

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Re: Is it too late for God to save my wife and this marriage
« Reply #10 on: Thu Jan 05, 2012 - 10:57:12 »
She has free will, and used that to hurt you and turn from God and your vows.

1 corinthians 7
Quote
12 To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13 And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.

 15 But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. 16 How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

Your wife may or may not use her free will to return to you and God, but that is not your responsibility. It is hers alone.

I don't really like the "tunnel vision" that people in marriage get into. They make a decision and harden their heart to any outside or even Godly influence. A lot of poor decisions are made and then not thought about again for years. Your wife made her decision to "do her own thing" and tunnel visioned it until she got herpes.

I think some of what is holding you back is a Godly feeling of being responsible or protect your wife. Thats a great trait, but not something you need to do any longer if you come to that decision.

The decision is your to make, and God may lead you one way or the other. Either way, you are not bound to her. You might find happiness if you take her back, and you might find happiness in a new woman.

I think you have fulfilled your duties as a husband. It sounds like messed up at the start. I think you will be blessed either way, but keep an open heart towards God.

Blessings.
« Last Edit: Thu Jan 05, 2012 - 11:03:44 by anx »

Offline topman

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Re: Is it too late for God to save my wife and this marriage
« Reply #11 on: Thu Jan 05, 2012 - 11:12:09 »
Thanks anx – all this is so difficult but I know I need to understand what I can control and what I need to live to God – I feel there is definitely a spiritual battle taking place. When I say ‘tunnel vision’ I just mean picking a decision and sticking to it no matter what.  I have two younger sisters that want me to reconcile – my mother does not, most of my friends do (though we met them together and they saw us get married). On her side she probably has only two people that encourage her – this best friend of hers influenced her towards her actions and derailed her- her friend even wound up in a mental institution last Nov – everyone can see this friend has nothing good for my wife – but my wife wont let her go- she influences my wife too much and not in a good way – put in mind this woman is also the mother to my boy – it makes it harder to digest to let her go – I will always be linked to her. The sad thing is while we were together she wanted me to seek God more – be a better husband – now I have found it – she’s vacant spiritually it was too late – I lost her – so that’s why I feel why should I use my new found relationship and willingness to be a better husband towards someone else – I want my wife to experience the offering, the blessing, the unconditional love I can offer – but she needs to repent – I cant force her to do – that – this was one of my mistakes – she needs to make a choice – but how much time do you need – I cant wait another year.

Offline anx

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Re: Is it too late for God to save my wife and this marriage
« Reply #12 on: Thu Jan 05, 2012 - 11:55:10 »
I do feel for the desire that you could have been a better husband and more Godly husband to start out.

That may be a reason to desire that you can both in time come to God and forgive eachother.

However, do not let the guilt from being a less than Godly husband be the reason you get back together. Guilt is a terrible foundation for a marriage, and it won't be stable and last. If you get back together it needs to be because she has shown that she would be a faithful, loving, Godly wife. Do not reconcile with her unless she can reconcile with her own faith first.

About sticking to something no matter what, thats what I was trying to write. It can be a very destructive attitude to decide something and not let factors (even the holy spirit nudging you the other way) effect the decision you made months or years ago. Sort out your convictions on your marriage with serious prayer and time. Once you reach that decision, remain open to nudges by the Holy Spirit.

She does need to make a choice. Those take a lot of time. It took you years and a crisis to make your choice a more Godly life. Unfortunately, it will take her a lot of time to reconcile herself to God. Even then, you do not need to take her back.

Blessings

Edit: The stark difference between you and your wife is when you weren't a Godly husband, she lost her faith. When she wasn't a Godly spouse, you found yours in a big way and wanted to do counseling to fix your broken marriage. We chose our path in times of trials. It often either winds us up on our knees before God or falling off the deep end. She chose to party instead of find a christian counselor for you both. That is not your fault. She picked that route with her own free will.
« Last Edit: Thu Jan 05, 2012 - 12:12:00 by anx »

happypromises

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Re: Is it too late for God to save my wife and this marriage
« Reply #13 on: Thu Jan 05, 2012 - 16:14:13 »
Hi Topman
 In answer to your question, NO, it is not too late to save your marriage....there is ALWAYS hope.  But that depends upn your mutual commitment to make this work.  Is that what you really want?  Is it what she really wants?  If you're at a point where you genuinely don't want to lose the other and are committed to counseling and working through why this happened in the first place, then YUP, you can do this.  I believe that!   
But, it'll take major work from both of you...but I believe God can...and furthermore, desires, for restoration to take place.  What happens next though, is down to you.

 ::smile::

Offline chosenone

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Re: Is it too late for God to save my wife and this marriage
« Reply #14 on: Thu Jan 05, 2012 - 16:37:47 »
Can you trust her to stop seeing other men? Is she really repentant and can she see the mess she is in? Is she 100% committed to making this work?
I do admire you for even being slightly willing to stay with her. 10 affairs and  herpes(which isn't curable is it?)isn't something that many could deal with and stay. Only God knows if she is really repentant and sorry, or if she will just carry on as before. Ask him to make it 100% clear what to do now. Ask friends to pray the same. I honestly believe that in some cases God does know that ending a marriage is the lesser of two evils.

There is no shame or failure if you cant stay with her, I doubt if many could. I would be far more concerned about the effect that her lifestyle is having on the  child. Who is looking after him while she has all these affairs?Is she bringing them to the house? It will have affected him being with her in that state, not walking with God, and having all those affairs. It may be sensible if you try to get custody.

Offline topman

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Re: Is it too late for God to save my wife and this marriage
« Reply #15 on: Fri Jan 06, 2012 - 04:02:48 »
Hi all – I think I know what I have to do – but the thing is I am not doing it – I  need to minimise communication with my wife – and only limit it to collecting and dropping of my boy. I need to spend time in the Word, listening to praise and worship music and getting back into learning my guitar.  I need to keep busy.  This set-back all started when I let my wife in emotionally (went to the cinema with her, invited her to my flat, started talking to her again and her saying we maybe we can consider reconciling).
My hesitation comes from the fact that I don’t see think she will be committed – I could be wrong.  But based on her track record I don’t think she is mentally capable of committing to this.  I just don’t know why.

I feel any one slip up from her no matter how small would be enough for me to start divorce proceeding because I cannot continue like this.  Maybe it is time to let her go – I  need to let her go spiritually but it is so hard (I think because God is present in that bond).  I need to be set free – the thing is when I think about not being with her anymore finding someone that will not hurt me I feel at peace  - I also feel at peace when I think about – how things would be if we fully committing to making this work and years down the line it did – we will be one nuclear family not a broken home – I really do not want a broken home for my boy he does not deserve that.
To answer your question chosenone – when she was out her mother took care of my boy – and believe this her mother too had a part to play in this – convinced her to go online and meet men – that’s where she met the guy she was involved with briefly – the amount of betrayal I feel is overwhelming – how can a mother do that to her child – her mother is also on medication for depression.  This is what I fear – I cannot have my son growing up in such an environment but seeking custody of my boy could make things worse – it is not the time for that.  All I know is there’s more hindering me leaving than staying. She has far too many influences that would prevent her from finding God again.

Offline topman

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Re: Is it too late for God to save my wife and this marriage
« Reply #16 on: Fri Jan 06, 2012 - 06:58:13 »
I’m thankful I got to work today – people are thankful for different things – I’m just thankful I actually got up this morning. I don’t know how long I can go on like this Lord Jesus – this feels worse than before  - I know what I have to do – but why can’t I? This is killing me mentally, physically and spiritually – I find it hard to focus on work; Lord please get me into enjoying my work again. I need to die to my old self – literally this is the only way – sometimes you need to hit rock bottom to have the best foundation to start again.  I would have to start a new life and that would mean absolute DESTRUCTION of all I knew. That is what is happening – all I knew is being destroyed – so now I should see hope I should be patient and look ahead with hope. Through times ahead but look at my future with hope, patience and peace – a minute at a time.  Use this time to get to know God – just keep it simple – in knowing God, listening to my Bible, journaling.

Taking a break from church during the holidays did not help either – I was involved with the church quite abit – it starts next week again – I now know why January can be the most depressing month of the year if you let it. Wisdom – don’t let a spouse (even during reconciliation or separation) get in emotionally – you are still working things in your head – don’t let them come in and make it worse – what can take you months to build foundations on can take seconds for them to dismantle  - I am proof.

Offline anx

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Re: Is it too late for God to save my wife and this marriage
« Reply #17 on: Fri Jan 06, 2012 - 11:32:56 »
Your feelings are normal for your situation. Feeling overwhelmed and like its too much lasts a long time. Even separations that end with reconciliation last between 6 months and a year because the emotions take months to get over. The person in your role is so wary of the emotions and the hurt that even a little contact can be too much.

It will get better, but only with God and a lot of time. Use this time to invest in the future and come out of this a better man than you were. I read the entire bible by the 6 month mark separation. Reading the bible was one of the few things that gave me peace when I was hurting the most. Don't skip church or the men's group or whatever else you are in. It makes things so much easier and better to be involved in church. The weeks I missed were very hard.

I also found sermons online to listen to. I enjoyed www.gty.org. A lot of people I know don't care for that pastor and find another one that speaks to them.

Working out and exercise may also be something helpful for you.

She is a broken woman, but still a child of God. She may not be capable now of doing what she needs to do. However, if do try for reconciliation, it is not impossible that she could accept help from God and fix her brokenness. She may never do that. It is her free will what to do.

Also, from what I have read, breaking free will not be a simple road either. It may be a little easier, but it does not magically make you feel better. You still will be very hurt for a long time.

I'm sorry that she has so many bad influences on her life. It really is sad to read her mom told her to date men online.

Blessings.

Offline Nathanael

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Re: Is it too late for God to save my wife and this marriage
« Reply #18 on: Fri Jan 06, 2012 - 17:13:54 »
So sorry for all that you are going through Topman. You had some great support here, please allow me to add some thoughts.

I understand the intensity of your pain. I just went through seperation and divorce (three kids) and that destruction that you mention is indeed immensely difficult. I too battled depression at its most serious form and the complete crumbling of my life into bits. I am three years since I moved out the family home and still have pain every day, though I do now have happy times too.

I found that God uses people to reach you with his love, its amazing how He upholds us despite our failings and sin.

Right now you can't imagine how you will survive mentally and emotionally. But God WILL make a way through this for you.  Write down Proverbs 3 v 5-6 and stick it up where you will see it every day...

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths.

Offline topman

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Re: Is it too late for God to save my wife and this marriage
« Reply #19 on: Sat Jan 07, 2012 - 08:58:05 »
Nathanel many thanks for your response - yes slept with not dated -she refered to them as casual encounters - but i dont want to focus on that anymore it saps my mental and spritiual strenght - God is helping me through.
Yes - it is only with God's strenght I go on - I have had to dissect things i do to minutes now to move on. Instead on concentrating on going out for a simple task - I concentrate on getting out of bed, then getting into the shower. Sometimes I think i am experiencing consequences to my choices in the past when I did not do good to my wife. I used to feel bad and down for that but I have learnt that God forgives so I am no longer condemned to that thought.
All sin and hurt in this world comes from a source - I do not have the strenght to save my wife and myself - I can only save myself right now and build my life again - I have hit rock bottom and building a new life from here. I am no longer condemned but I am convicted through the Holy Spirit to live with true repentence and obeidence to God. That is the only way - I cannot think too long and hard on how I would achieve this it is not about that - it is getting the Holy Spirit to do its work and I be the vessel - so now I have to begin the process of allowing God to enter me, empty all the evil thoughts, and the way I used to be - so am I empty and can only fill myself with goodness - you are what you look at, eat, listen and ultimately feel - I need to guard my heart.

And ultimately if that means disconnecting myself to my wife - God will give me that strenght - I have to rely on him.I dont want to be alone - I dont want to be in a relationship where there is no trust and I am on constant guard either.

A friend invited me to a christian speed dating event end of the month - I have not been before - I would like to go but with little expectance but to meet people and know there is hope in the future - to know that there are women out there that are Godly and you can trust.

Anyway - I have my little boy this weekend - I set up his christmas present (a baby wooden block mini hand chariot) - i ll also be watching a dvd movie called the 'The Bible' later. God you understand what I dont - I have tried it my way for so long - so let's give your way a go 'totally' this once - I have nothing else to lose.
Amen

Offline topman

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Re: Is it too late for God to save my wife and this marriage
« Reply #20 on: Sat Jan 07, 2012 - 16:15:17 »
What a day - one day i wont feel so much pain in my heart - I keep comparing myself with the story of Hosea - some people say God gives us purposes in life - so we are not to question God 'why he gave us our purpose' - but this cup is too hard to bear.
What my wife has done to me has killed my heart - ripped me apart - the thing is as well is she does not feel sorry - she just feels we were separated and that gave her the right to do what she did. The thing is her beliefs and thought process has wapped from when we got married to how she is now.  
I find it hard moving around in the city sometimes  - especially when I see other men - i feel is he one of the them - i know this is wrong but I do feel like that - God will take the pain away.
It will not go overnight. Much prayer is needed and total trust in God - 'Lord Jesus - please heal my hurting heart, I find it hard to move on - to let go of the woman I made a convenant under your grace to protect, I failed at that, I let the enemy steal your daughter from me. Lord please forgive me 'I  need to transform my pain and suffering into healing graces and forgiveness so I can find my feet, start my life again and be there for her one day either as a waiting husband, or a ex but a christian that can help lead her home to you. Which ever way you know the end from the begining - please come into my heart this evening, fill me with your love so I can go on another day dear Father.
Amen


Offline topman

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Re: Is it too late for God to save my wife and this marriage
« Reply #21 on: Mon Jan 09, 2012 - 03:41:22 »
Jan 9th 09:24hrs (Mon) – Though it is only the 9th day of the year a lot has happened to me already this year.  Last week I can conclude I was under spiritual attack – maybe because I was approaching a significant point in my life where I would have to make a decision and stick to it.

After a lot of conflict in my mind – debating whether to stay in this marriage or not – after a lot of prayer and mediation and listening to God – I have come to a place of peace and deciding to end my marriage.  One comes to the point to accept reality and dreams may have been stolen or died – it does not mean they cannot be resurrected and restored in a different way, a different path.  I have accepted that my wife (or I should start referring to her as ex) will not change.  Its not about the big things you look out for a change in someone – it’s the little things. When I dropped my little boy off, she asked if we go for a drink – in a way I am glad I did as I believe that was the last drink I had with her with a mind of indecisiveness – I do not intend on accepting any of her offers for drinks again (not now anyway) – I have to now detach myself spiritually from her as I am no longer bound to her – in time the holy spirit will work through me and I will be totally released.  She says she does not want to go back to her ways but she still keeps in touch with the men she was involved in – I brain will never understand that, she swears and calls Jesus’s name in vain . The thing is I am not condemning her or judging her – I have just left her to the Lord and I can only concentrate on myself and my boy now. I will not fight for custody of my boy – it is not time for that – her behaviours and motives will come to light in God’s time and God will do the battle for me when that time comes if it comes to that.

Life goes on – I am a good man and I do deserve someone better than her – she definitely is not worth the pain I am going through. I am not angry, I still hurt but I know marriage was not supposed to be planned like this and I am going to be obedient to God so he can lead me to someone who I can share my passion of the Lord with and who we will both respect the convent of marriage. Until then I am going to grow in God, complete my divorce (I will start processing it end of Feb) should hopefully take no longer than 6 months since we are in agreement with most of it though she wants me to file it under unreasonable behaviour – I was going to file under adultery but I ll go under what she has said for peace of mind to prevent months of delay.

Thank you God for giving me clarity – I pray that you continue to open windows and show me direction especially in these next few days, weeks and months.

Amen

Offline Sinead

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Re: Is it too late for God to save my wife and this marriage
« Reply #22 on: Mon Jan 09, 2012 - 04:26:34 »
Topman, I'm so glad you have come to a decision. I believe you are making the right one. Yes, you do deserve a Godly, christian woman, one who will not cheat on you.
One thing though - If I were you I would file under adultery. Sometimes church leaders want proof of the reason you divorced and I'm sure you will meet a wonderful woman one day - and you really do need this proof. Especiallly since adultery and the unsaved person leaving are the only grounds for divorce and remarriage.
Think about it. A few months is neither here nor there. She needs to be held accountable for what she has done.

God bless you.

Offline topman

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Re: Is it too late for God to save my wife and this marriage
« Reply #23 on: Mon Jan 09, 2012 - 05:02:36 »
 Sinead ,

Yeah the ex does not want to process it under 'adultery' - she says we were separated so she does not imply it as cheating. As far as I am concerned it is.

I see this getting messy if we cannot come to an agreement on which grounds to go under.

Offline topman

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Re: Is it too late for God to save my wife and this marriage
« Reply #24 on: Tue Jan 10, 2012 - 05:56:21 »
Tues 10/01 – I am feeling good today – this is a good thing but still I will learn from the past and not rely on my feelings but focus on the strength of the Holy Spirit the one constant in this life.  I will no longer focus my attention on my soon to be ex-wife.  I have laid out my plans for the new year and most of my tasks will be completed or in process by June 2012 which will give me the rest of the year to for once in my life put my feet up and mediate and get to know God even more – most important listen to him for the next step in my life.
My younger sister is expecting (anytime now) – she lives in San Diego and I will be visiting hopefully mid April – I intend on starting the divorce proceedings as soon as I get back. There is no need to rush or hurry as I have made up my mind and a few months delay is nothing compared to last year’s confusion and uncertainty in my life.  I look back to last year – I was totally lost with no identify for my life, as a husband, father, single man, divorce, separated, whether to wear my ring or not – how far I have come – I am not where I want to be but thanks to God I am not where I was.
Work’s going well as well – my concentration at the start of this year was not up to my standards obviously due to what I was going through but with help of the Holy Spirit, the Word and the Grace of God I am getting back to my level of standard and will even do better – I am off on further qualification training for a week next month and I am going to go far with my occupation and career – God did not permit these circumstances to happen in my life cause he hated me – He allowed it because he loved me – he wanted to ground out things in my life he did not like or permitted me to start – I did not start the relationship in a Godly way – I did not pray for his advice – I had conviction in my heart for most of the relationship. Now I know why.
I do not see the big picture – He does – He is not moved by hurt, suffering but my faith – having faith before seeing a result – my faith will grow stronger each day but not by my own strength and understanding but by his will – will I fail sometimes? Maybe I will – but I know one thing – I am done doing things my own way – 2012 I am going to give God complete obedience and see where it gets me.

Offline Nathanael

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Re: Is it too late for God to save my wife and this marriage
« Reply #25 on: Tue Jan 10, 2012 - 10:59:50 »
God did not permit these circumstances to happen in my life cause he hated me – He allowed it because he loved me


AMEN ! to your prayers.

Your wife displays very little repentance, and her mindset would cause you alot of further hurt in future. You don't have much choice, and are right to walk away. Don't rush into dating. When the time is right I pray that you will meet a lovely, strong Christian girl.

Just hang in their Topman. Your heart has been very broken. But as has been mentioned in another post here, I think by Anx, you are responding to this great trial by turning to the Lord, even if your wife is not of the same attitude. Good WILL come out of this dark time, because you have turned your heart to God.

I know exactly what you mean, regarding being visited with disaster because of our sin. I spent a year dissecting my marriage breakdown and it left me with a terrifying grasp of my failings as a husband. The fact that I could not repair it all and the door was closed to my wife was intense torment. But as you said, Gods forgiveness is our salvation. Praise Him !

I used to be very stressed that my personal 'trial' did not qualify for the list of trials God uses to make us more like Jesus, because it was not an outward trial imposed on me, but one that I had invited with my sinful ways. But recently I looked again at Peter, the Apostle. Jesus Said that satan had asked to sift him like wheat - test him with trial - and Jesus allowed it but prayed for Peter's restoration. Peter failed, (he denied Jesus) ...so the 'trial' was instigated by Satan, allowed by God, resulted in deep pain and sorrow for Peter due to his own failure, and was a demonstration of Gods grace. Peter came out the other side a more Christlike man and able to have compassion fro the failings of others.

I think that example gives us a good pattern for ourselves. The trials that God uses to refine our faith (of greater worth to the Lord than pure Gold) can indeed be partly our 'own fault' as well as the result of other's sin or Satans attempts to destroy us. But our most awful trials can become the source of our greatest triumphs. We ALL fail, God knows it and He is very much wanting us to come out the other side stronger.

This is a very tough time. But God will use it for your good if you allow Him to. Be strong and brave. Bless you.

Offline topman

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Re: Is it too late for God to save my wife and this marriage
« Reply #26 on: Thu Jan 12, 2012 - 07:09:21 »
Thur 12/01 12:00hrs – not much has happened since my last journal – maybe not outwards but a lot has happened inwards with myself. The Lord continues to work in me – and I am finding that that’s all He wants to do – it gets easier each day when I just spend time with God – put Him first and I have found more peace, more calm and a soft smile on my face.  I started with Alpha this week – its an organisation that helps bring people to Jesus – training started yesterday and the actual event starts in the next 2 weeks – I am excited and expectant of it – as it gets me out in meeting new people and building more on my faith.  I intend on maybe making this a permanent thing with an aim of eventually leading a team within a year.

My aim is not to keep busy and ignore my impending divorce – but to learn to move on in life and understand it is not about the circumstance it is about how I act during the circumstance.  I have made a decision not to think about my soon to be ex-wife anymore, sometimes I struggle but as soon as a thought comes – I cast it down – and it is getting easier. She says she wants us to still be friends and does not like the thought of me becoming distant - which I find very naive of her.  I have concluded that she is not christain and for my peace I would have to limit our relationship now to just our boy and his welfare.  

There is only way direction now and that is forward.  My sisters are defensive and want me to hold off dating for a year.  I have no problem with this – I just have a problem with people labelling me with a law especially when they have not been through what I have been through.  Its just when they mention it - all i think about is that and it makes me want to break it - I understand more about Law and Grace now. I will not be jumping into any relations anytime soon that’s for sure – that is another chapter that God will led me to when the time is right.

For all those going through a difficult time – God is there – and He has the resources to help us – nothing is greater than Him but we have to let go of all out habits or character and let Him do his work.  I figured it out the difficult way – but its only cause He expects a lot from me hence why He has had to discipline me so much.  When I used to read the Bible – anytime there was a teaching about doing good – I would think about myself – when there was a teaching about doing bad or vengeance – I would think of my ex.  I am stopping that perception – now and anytime I read about a teaching on doing bad – I think about how I used to be and where it got me. This is because I have been doing things my own way.  God will see me through the divorce, from beginning to end, my responsibilities as a father, letting go and starting new and what I would do differently. This year will be different, a miracle is coming my way, I am expectant – a new character centred on Christ – everything else will follow.
« Last Edit: Thu Jan 12, 2012 - 07:28:10 by topman »

Offline mrhide

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Re: Is it too late for God to save my wife and this marriage
« Reply #27 on: Sat Jan 14, 2012 - 03:08:03 »
Quote of Topman
This year will be different, a miracle is coming my way, I am expectant – a new character centred on Christ – everything else will follow.


I have been told that when great pain comes into your life that your decisions and actions will lead you to either BITTER of BETTER, away from God or towards God.

Topman. It seems to me that you are being driven towards God by the Holy Spirit. If I were you I would make sure that nothing gets in the way of your spiritual maturity that is now happening.

This pain that has driven you to “ a new Character centered on Christ

Offline topman

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Re: Is it too late for God to save my wife and this marriage
« Reply #28 on: Wed Jan 18, 2012 - 09:30:33 »
18/01 14:00

Thank you all for your comments – what one can say is walking with God requires sacrifice – of the things I used to be, the habits I had, the me that once was – sometimes good memories come into my mind – but I cannot mediate on these too long – sometimes the hurt and bad ones come – I can’t meditate on those either. I choose to change my way of thinking and mediate on what the good things God has done in my life.  I do have that fear of if I will one day find that good Christian girl – I know I should cast my care to God – so I’m going to do that.

God has brought me this far and He will see me through to the end.  I am focusing on using my physical and emotional energy towards positive things. Serving with the church, praying and talking to God.  I pick my son up on Friday for the weekend – I’m not as excited as I hoped I would be – and I don’t know why. I should be missing my son – but I am not and I feel bad about that. I am praying to God over this and hopefully this too will pass. I do not see him often and I have had to disconnect myself from that act of being a family as we are now broken – but as long as I use the little time I have with him and show him love and care – that is all that matters. My challenge is getting that balance as you wlak with God and become totally dependent on Him I do not lose dependence on those close to me - as I know everyone disappoints and no-one is perfect - so I do not expect from people anymore - even family - it does not mean i close my emotions to them - it just means I protect myself from being disappointed but I am there for them.

Dear Lord – continue to strengthen me each day – it is only through you oh God that I can accomplish the improvement – protect me, guard my heart, show me which way to go – I offer my full obedience and trust to you Lord – don’t abandon me – let me rest in the shadow of your wings.

Amen

Offline Renae610

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Re: Is it too late for God to save my wife and this marriage
« Reply #29 on: Thu Jan 19, 2012 - 02:08:24 »
Brother, it is obvious that the Holy Spirit is speaking to you.   What concepts in your paragraphs express the heart of God???  ... pick them out and pray that your will would be His Will! 

Post-partum depression requires proper healthcare.   Take her to get it.

As for the relationship... 

A woman tends to be a responder to the husband.   Get the support of a Godly man or pastor and be Christ to her...
Is there a Godly woman who would support her to go down the right path?

There is a cure for sin, disease, wounded hearts, broken marriages, and messed up situations....  Jesus.  He is about healing, restoration and overcoming!

There is a cure for herpes  in natural healthcare too.  Research this.  Protect yourself until this is cured.



 





 

Offline topman

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Re: Is it too late for God to save my wife and this marriage
« Reply #30 on: Fri Jan 20, 2012 - 03:49:36 »
Renae – many thanks for your response – I will be proceeding with a divorce by end of May – in between then I am spending time with God, building my foundations of peace and going to see my sister in San Diego in April. Every since I have finalised on my decision I have had peace (I still might be occasionally depressed) but that base of peace is still there – that’s how I know I am making the right choice. The decision has been made and I know the path I have to walk with God as my guide. A day or 4 days or 4 months to start the process – it does not matter now as I have had my answer.

I thank you all for your comments – but in regards to my soon to be ex – there is nothing I can do now – but leave her to God and hope He touches her heart for her own future.  She is my past and I am coming to accepting that – she will always be the mother to be son and I will give her respect for that and have unity for the sack of our son – but that is where our relations will end.  I cannot take her where I want to God – the visions I have in my future and the partner I am praying for in His own time. My ex did not bring the good out of me and I feel my spiritual relationship with God sucked out of me every-time I am near her.  I look forward now – I pray for better things – I do not look at the last 6 years as a waste for without those years I probably will not be where I am especially with my relationship with God.  I can only grow in wisdom from this, be truly obedient, and walk in peace and understanding with Him. It is hard with temptations of the world, but in time it will become a habit, and that will become my character.

Offline topman

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Re: Is it too late for God to save my wife and this marriage
« Reply #31 on: Thu Jan 26, 2012 - 03:47:02 »
   26/01 – Thurs 9:13am – I keep having happy days and sad days – at the moment I feel depressed – this overcast that hangs on my head early in the morning and most of the day. Listening to sermons; the messages about being like Christ to the church as you should be to your spouse gets me down – not that I do not accept the Word; but more I understand it now but its too late for me (especially for this marriage) – if only she had been patient and not resorted to her destruction and the marriage's. The marriage is over - I am just moaning the death of what could have been.
I am leaning on God and cannot no longer rely on getting peace from the outside as it is not possible only from within. Better easier said than done – I just want to remain within myself and shut down to the World – I know it is not healthy (but in doing this i'm not expectant from the outside, I wont be dissapointed) is it right to feel like that?– but that’s the thing – I know what is right and how I should walk with God but I am not doing it half the time; I worry too much. The sins I commit are from within and not outwards – sometimes I lust after a pretty girl I talk to or see – and I pray that God heals my heart, guides me so I do not lose my way. Sometimes I want to throw in the towel – if my ex could just go out and be with people – why can’t I? Because it is all false worldly pleasures that eventually lead to destruction.  Does this cup I have to drink be this difficult? – what if I fail then all my suffering would have been in vain.  What is I succeed (when will that be? What is succeeding in a situation like this?). I think we have all lost.

I started my alpha course yesterday – not really liking my group as they are mostly all at least 8 years older than I am and I am having difficulty connecting (the fact that there are 4 couples in my group does not help either or maybe God is trying to tell me something) – it was the first night and I need to understand more that its not about what I get from the group – its what I can bring to the group. Starting next week - I will be playing football Monday evening with work mates, church small group Tues evenings, Alpha Weds, Thurs and weekend to either relax, meet friends or be with my son.  I think when I get more of a structure going things will get better.

Offline Nathanael

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Re: Is it too late for God to save my wife and this marriage
« Reply #32 on: Thu Jan 26, 2012 - 17:18:21 »
Hang in there, it is very difficult indeed but it will improve. I know how hard it is, but let me assure you it will not stay this way forever.  God will move you forward and bring you a hope and a future. If you stumble He will take you back, like the Father and the prodigal son. Just hold on to Him and keep breathing.

Offline rickwallace21

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Re: Is it too late for God to save my wife and this marriage
« Reply #33 on: Thu Mar 15, 2012 - 12:21:59 »
God hold the marriage in high regard as it is covenantal. God is sovereign and will always be. So the answer in simple is, Yes God can save your marriage. Even in its current state. In fact God wants to reach down into the impenetrable fortress of your negative circumstances and wrought out a miracle.

happypromises

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Re: Is it too late for God to save my wife and this marriage
« Reply #34 on: Thu Mar 15, 2012 - 14:12:25 »
Topman
My goodness...this is strange.  Today, I read the book of Hosea and again I was struck at how much the OT is all about the love of God, the intense love He has for us.   I don't think we can even begin to guess at how huge it is.   As soon as I opened your thread and read the story, I thought back to that....and then you mentioned Hosea yourself.

If I were to answer the original question you posed as the subject name for this thread, I would say wholeheartedly, 'YES'...God can and I believe, desires to do the unthinkable in each of our lives.   I say this from the point of view of someone who's walking a slightly similiar path of betrayal and the agony of heartache.  But no matter where I look, all through scripture, is this God who wants to restore, redeem, heal and put back together the most broken of people, the most broken of relationships.

But the key factor to all of this, is willingness.  If both partners are willing to literally throw their lives in the air and say, 'Whatever you want Lord...by the world's standards, this makes NO sense...but I'm willing to go where you lead me', then wow, oh wow, what miracles you can see.  The number of guys your wife has been with, is utterly irrelevant, if her heart desires to change.

But in your case, then it seems the desire to change isn't there - then if that is the case, truly, then you have made the right choice.  I think God guides us in ways we cannot see...He just gently nudges us toward the *right* decision for us.   In your case, it sounds like you have moved toward ending it.   In my case...I just got a very clear signal that I needed to 'hold on, to be patient...'.  The world says it's utterly hopeless, but I believe in a God who is bigger than that.   That is also, incidentally, one of the themes of Hosea which jumped out at me today - that God was judging the people because of the fact they were turning to earthly wisdom for their answers.

God's will is written in your heart and, if after study and prayer you believe you have made the right decision, then you most definitely have.   And that can only mean one thing - that God has something great in store for you.   Hard to believe, when it feels like there is no point in going on...but I have experienced He IS faithful.    He is, He is, He is.    ::smile::

 

     
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