Is my husband being unfaithful, or is it just me?*Update at bottom

[lost4now]

***Today's question: There is a pastor that visits our church from time to time. He knows my hubby and I and I'm wondering if I should call him for guidance, or is that too embarrassing? My hubby always tells me to be careful who I spill out dirty laundry to. But I really need help......I'm so lost, I don't know what to do. I'm so tired of hurting.


I will try to make this short. I am new here. I don't know who else to turn to. I'm tired of living this way. I just want to be able to say that my marriage is one filled with love, that I am married to the love of my life and he LOVES me. That's all I've ever prayed for.

We've been married 22 years, my husband had one affair a year after we were married. It lasted 2 weeks. We were young, 21 and 19. We did counseling moved from that town and 21 yrs. later here we are. I am in introvert, my husband is an extrovert. He talks to anyone and everyone. Me, I have to get to know someone.
Long story short....my husband has always kept some of friendships a secret from me. He says it's because I automatically accuse him of cheating on me. These friendships are with women, he usually carries on long phone converstaions from them. 6 yrs. ago he did this with a coworker. They would talk on average about 2 hours a day, since they both commuted. They'd talk in the morning and afternoon. Even though they worked together they'd have these long conversations. I prayed about it for 2 years and God finally answered my prayers and removed her from our lives.
Last August (1 yr. ago) I discovered he was at it again. He was having lengthy conversations w/ a woman from his childhood. She lived out of town, but he was calling her several times a day, "Just to talk about old times." This went on til' I discovered it, so for about a month.

Now....this past June, I discovered he was doing it again. This time she works within his area. The calls are not as frequent or as long. The calls were every couple of days, about 15 mins each. But he was emailing her. Mostly normal conversation, but he would lie in some of them and change a situation. For example: our neighbors home was broken into. I notified dh to take my neighbor to go check on her house, she wasn't home and I heard alarm. I called police, gave directions, met w/ police, etc. My husband emailed this woman and told her HE had called the cops, caught the suspect in the act, chased him, etc. Never once mentioned me. I've never met her. I have seen her, but never spoken to her.  Another email: "I will be in a meeting all day, but I will call you later." This one hurt because I asked myself WHY he felt the need to tell her that.

After I threatened to divorce him after 22 yrs of putting up with him, he stopped all contact with her. When I ask him WHY he does this, he says he enjoys talking to people, Men and Women. He preaches the word of God in his Dad's church. He says he wouldn't play with God and isn't doing anything wrong. He's just talking. He said he is wrong for hiding it from me, but says it's because of my insecurities. I feel I"m insecure because of his secrets.

Lastnight, after we were "together" if you know what I mean. Something in my mind told me to check his email. I got up and did. And as I thought.....he had emailed her, but it has bounced back because he input her address wrong. It said:
"Just wanted to let you know I miss talking to you and texting you, I hope you don't hate me in anyway."

This really hurt me. I can't tell him because he doesn't know I read his emails. I'm so hurt. I feel betrayed....again. So he misses her? Does he just miss the conversations they had? Am I being to possessive and insecure? What is wrong with me?

He tells me several times a day that he loves me. He talks about God and reads the bible.  So why can't I feel like the "love his life". Just this past Sunday he preached about living each day as if it was your last. Being submissive to your wives and husband, to love them because you never know about how much time you have on earth with them.  But then...Monday night, he sent her this email.

I can't talk to him, we end up blowing up and being angry for days. I'm so sick of living this way. I can't talk to my preacher because he is my father in law. What do I do? Yes, I know, Pray. But why do I have go through this kind of thing? Will it ever end?

Thank you for reading, and I would greatly appreciate any insight and advice.
Love in Christ,

Me

[son of God]

Well, you've seen it over and over, but just for the record, your man is a liar and a hypocrite.  Doesn't matter what he says, when what he does is different.  "Lord, Lord...." right?

He needs to repent and be born of God.  Bottom line stuff here.  By their fruits you will know them.  You will know a tree by its fruit.

Go to God, and wait on HIm.

Husband might not change.  That's not up to you, though, but up to him.

Ask God to deal with husband, not take women away.  Husband is the problem.  Wait on the Lord.  Don't try to change him yourself.

And then ask God to deal with you.  You have problems too.  Don't try to change yourself.  God does that.

[BAH-BLAH]

That message sounds very telling...as if SOMETHING happened. Im not one to run with every suspicion, so take that into consideration when i say that email sounds bad....Im sorry to say it.
When i caught my spouse in affair, it was via a recorded phone call in which the words "I feel used" were spoken. I allowed myself to be convinced it meant nothing but just that the friendship had been TOO deep....well, over a year later I learned it had been to deep alright, a la Holiday Inn if you know what I mean,

Those little phrases like " I hope you dont hate me" or whatever it was he said are HUGE red flags to me.

If it was me, and after all that, oh man lots will disagree with my big time.....Id find out, secretly. I had to do it, its not that hard.

A small voice activated recorder under the car seat can make 20 hours of recording to his side of a conversation had while driving. A company called spectresoft makes a software you can buy online, download, and install on your PC, and its invisible, it will send an email daily to you with evereything thats happened on the PC, every websitre and keystroke. Its about $70.00, a small recorder less than 50$. I do not suggest ongoing eavesdropping, just to see whats up at this time.

Whatever , just dont do something, sit there!

[lost4now]

That message sounds very telling...as if SOMETHING happened. Im not one to run with every suspicion, so take that into consideration when i say that email sounds bad....Im sorry to say it.
When i caught my spouse in affair, it was via a recorded phone call in which the words "I feel used" were spoken. I allowed myself to be convinced it meant nothing but just that the friendship had been TOO deep....well, over a year later I learned it had been to deep alright, a la Holiday Inn if you know what I mean,

Those little phrases like " I hope you dont hate me" or whatever it was he said are HUGE red flags to me.

If it was me, and after all that, oh man lots will disagree with my big time.....Id find out, secretly. I had to do it, its not that hard.

A small voice activated recorder under the car seat can make 20 hours of recording to his side of a conversation had while driving. A company called spectresoft makes a software you can buy online, download, and install on your PC, and its invisible, it will send an email daily to you with evereything thats happened on the PC, every websitre and keystroke. Its about $70.00, a small recorder less than 50$. I do not suggest ongoing eavesdropping, just to see whats up at this time.

Whatever , just dont do something, sit there!

I don't think he physically had an affair. My instincts would tell me. He constantly calls me from work, calls me on his way home, etc. I think he said, "I hope you don't hate me in anyway" because he told her he couldn't talk to her anymore because of the problems it was causing.

I know there was no affair because nothing changed, there's always signs. He didn't change in anyway. Still loveable, affectionate, daily readings, phone calls to me, activities w/ the kids, etc. 
I still feel so betrayed because I know how he feels...he misses their conversations.
I know that I am insecure for many reasons: my upbringing (dad cheated on Mom), my weight, being a SAHM.

I know he's going to have friends, and talk to women, I just wish there were no secrets.

[UtahDad]

I don't think he physically had an affair. My instincts would tell me. He constantly calls me from work, calls me on his way home, etc. I think he said, "I hope you don't hate me in anyway" because he told her he couldn't talk to her anymore because of the problems it was causing.

I know there was no affair because nothing changed, there's always signs. He didn't change in anyway. Still loveable, affectionate, daily readings, phone calls to me, activities w/ the kids, etc. 
I still feel so betrayed because I know how he feels...he misses their conversations.
I know that I am insecure for many reasons: my upbringing (dad cheated on Mom), my weight, being a SAHM.

I know he's going to have friends, and talk to women, I just wish there were no secrets.

Just my $.02 worth, even if he is not physically cheating with other women, he is sharing a bond with them that he knows is hurting you.  It would be really concerning to me that he values their feelings, or hurting their feelings, over your own.  If he really just enjoys talking then he should be calling one of his guy buddies, we all have at least one of those that can talk for hours about nothing and loves anyone to call them.

[lightshineon]

 Hi, I am sorry, I know this is consuming you, it would me. He maybe having an emotional affair, and he is playing with fire. The last email, was he apologising to her about your marital relations? I know what I would do ( bracing myself for men to bash me) but I would tell her to leave him alone! I would tell him, to leave her alone, or I would tell his dad. If he was talking to her I would, get the phone and say "sorry he has to hang up, and talk to his wife." Protect what is yours. I might suggest he does this because he can, Sister, I an telling you, that is why most people do what they do in marriages, because they can. Boundaries are good things.  Tell him in no uncertain terms, that you will not accept this behavior anymore. And mean it sis.

[kensington]

even if he is not physically cheating with other women, he is sharing a bond with them that he knows is hurting you. 

This...  This statement of fact is the bottom line.  In a marriage relationships that make one or both spouses uncomfortable have to go.  Yes, you have insecurities...  But he cheated... and that is the price you pay for shattering someone's trust.  He should have been willing to do whatever it takes... FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE to make his marriage work and to give you the peace you need.

If he cannot do that...  then it's all about "him" ... Not God, Not we... not you.. But, HIM. 

He is being very immature for someone who has been married for 22 years.  I think you two need counseling AGAIN...  this is your marriage, and you need to seek a Christian counselor to talk to and help you to convey to him the importance of trust and "forsaking ALL others"... in marriage.

You are right.. You can't live like this, and if the two of you don't do something tangible to change his behaviors, you will just be spinning your wheels in this situation time and time again, repeating the past over and over.

The definition of insanity... "Doing the same thing, over and over, expecting different results". 

[chosenone]

he needs to grow up and stop acting like single teenager. Yes he is acting VERY badly. If he wants to talk to other people he has you, your joint friends who are married couples and other men. He does NOT have to be talking to other women who you know nothing about, especially as he is lying about it.Also THEY shouldnt be talking to a married man in this way, they should be telling him to go to his wife if he wants to talk. Are these women Christians?
He is playing with fire and opening the door to temptation.as well as making you feel bad. I think you both need to set some CLEAR boundaries in this mariage. He has alrady been unfaithful, he SHOULD be doing ALL that he can to make sure that never happens again.
God Bless

[lost4now]

He is being very immature for someone who has been married for 22 years.  I think you two need counseling AGAIN...  this is your marriage, and you need to seek a Christian counselor to talk to and help you to convey to him the importance of trust and "forsaking ALL others"... in marriage.

You are right.. You can't live like this, and if the two of you don't do something tangible to change his behaviors, you will just be spinning your wheels in this situation time and time again, repeating the past over and over.

The definition of insanity... "Doing the same thing, over and over, expecting different results". 

I tried suggesting counseling last year when I discovered his phone calls. He won't. He said only God could help us, no "man" or "woman" could...only God.
I just don't understand how he can preach one night about being submissive, loving your spouse, being faithful to God, praying, fasting, etc....and then, email a woman the next night to tell her he misses their conversations?!


I've asked him how he can do both and he said "Because I'm not doing anything wrong." If I was....I would fear God and is punishment."

I've threatened to divorce him and each time he begs me to forgive him and promises not to do this again. This last time I meant it, I told him the only thing keeping me here was our 3 children. He said we both needed to pray for God to heal our hearts, make us better people and heal our marriage.

I can't talk to our pastor, my father in law, because they just tell me to pray about it, they sweep it under the rug. I wanna talk to another pastor but I haven't been able to find one that I can sit and talk with....most tell me to "visit their church and pray."

Thanks for your wise words, they mean the world to me right now.

[lightshineon]

 I just would not put up with it, no way, no how. I would write the other woman, or speak to her on the phone, and tell her to back off. Then give my husband a choice, he could have two hour conversations with me, or without me. Put your foot down. I am sorry, but he seems a very arrogant man. no more emails, that are secret, or text messages. I know you love him, but the quickest way to lose him is, if he thinks " Oh well she'll put up with it, because she needs me." I do not need anyone that bad, neither should you. Counseling is fine, but, sometimes action is necessary.

[Mac]

So why can't I feel like the "love his life".

Because he doesn't treat you like the "love of his life."

It is easy to say something with your mouth... It is another to act on it or put it into action.... That's why the old saying is, "Actions speak louder than words." They really do...

The reason you feel the way you do is because of HIS actions.. He says he loves you... But he talks to another woman... He calls you and says he loves you... But he tells another woman he misses her...

You see what I am saying? He is saying one thing, but doing another...

Are you insecure? Yes, you are... A few things you related in your post point that out... However, you do have reason...

If you feel comfortable taking to the "travelling preacher", do it.. I have a funny feeling that the "concern" your husband has for you, in as much as sharing your dirty laundry, has more to do with HIM not wanting others to know what he is doing... Just my opinion...

Keep in prayer...

[janine]

I would not bother to talk to his "other women" at all.  Or if I did, it would not be some sort of Jerry Springer style "stay away from my man" statement.  If it takes fighting off other women to keep my man "mine", I don't want him.

If I communicated with them at all, it would be very basic.  Something like:

"This is my husband.  He knows it hurts our marriage when he pays this kind of attention to you -- therefore, I must assume you want to be with him, a man who does not care how he hurts women?

"Therefore, I have to assume you believe somehow, magically, that if he became "yours" instead of mine, that he would not ever hurt YOU in this way?

"Am I wrong to assume you are ready to take him on full-time?  Shall I ship you his dirty laundry that I do for him and send you his bills that I pay for him?  Are you ready to apply that sticky stinky lotion to the nasty rash he's got between his... Oh, never mind".

Time for him to put up or shut up.  Time for the ladyloves to do so too.

[lightshineon]

I would not bother to talk to his "other women" at all.  Or if I did, it would not be some sort of Jerry Springer style "stay away from my man" statement.  If it takes fighting off other women to keep my man "mine", I don't want him.

If I communicated with them at all, it would be very basic.  Something like:

"This is my husband.  He knows it hurts our marriage when he pays this kind of attention to you -- therefore, I must assume you want to be with him, a man who does not care how he hurts women?

"Therefore, I have to assume you believe somehow, magically, that if he became "yours" instead of mine, that he would not ever hurt YOU in this way?

"Am I wrong to assume you are ready to take him on full-time?  Shall I ship you his dirty laundry that I do for him and send you his bills that I pay for him?  Are you ready to apply that sticky stinky lotion to the nasty rash he's got between his... Oh, never mind".

Time for him to put up or shut up.  Time for the ladyloves to do so too.

 That is me too. I am not the Jerry Springer type either, but would defend what is mine, and then he would choose, or choose otherwise. I am not the type to be hurt over, and over. I am just not that sweet, or understanding. If started his hypocritical rant on marriage in church, I would just walk out, even if I went and stood in the restroom until the sermon was finished.

[lost4now]

If you feel comfortable taking to the "travelling preacher", do it.. I have a funny feeling that the "concern" your husband has for you, in as much as sharing your dirty laundry, has more to do with HIM not wanting others to know what he is doing... Just my opinion...
/b]

Oh yes, believe me, I see it this way too.
Just need to get this out:

It's so hard to be hurting and then still trying to deal with your own daily life. I have 3 teens, one is going thru a break up w/ this "first love", he is 19. My 17 year wants to grow up really fast, and my 15 yr., well, I just worry about batting off older boys from her. I have daily life stress and then not to have the support of your husband really hurts.

Tonight there was a church thing out of town, I just couldn't go. I felt like I'd be such a hyprocrite, to try to sit there like my life is okay....and it's not. So...he went alone, but was fine about that. He said he wouldn't argue with me if I didn't want to go. If only he knew why.

I did talk to a pastor on the phone the other day, he doesn't know either one of us. He confirmed it is wrong, I am insecure for a good reason, he says to put all my trust in the Lord and let him handle the situation...in His time.
My problem.....can I really do this? I've been praying about this for years and years and there's been no resolution, maybe I'm doing something wrong?! :(

Thanks again~~~~~

[JohnDB]

Your husband likes people. I don't think that he intentionally seeks out women...but more women than men make themselves available to him for companionship.

You, on the other hand, don't talk much. That doesn't mean that he doesn't love you. But he needs companionship and a level of communicating that you aren't responding to...maybe it is even a level that you can't see or understand.

Your lack of trust for him after 22 years of marriage is somewhat baffling to me as well. If he was gonna go he woulda been long gone. It actually is a guy's market as we age. There are lots more women than men out there. If he is staying married to you and faithfully abiding in your wishes by not talking to this woman than rejoice in that. He values you more than her. He is cutting off ties to this woman (albeit a little slow) but he doesn't want to be rude or unkind to her...this isn't a matter that concerns her or is one that she knowingly got in the middle of.

Forgive his past mistakes...they were ones of youth. Spouses aren't trained pets who come on command...we are real live breathing, thinking, emotional creatures with real emotional needs that will be fulfilled one way or another. You can't keep him in a box...that is unfair to you and especially to him. It doesn't sound like he is having an afair or even trying to have an accidental affair. He is simply looking for some companionship that he hasn't found in you. (for whatever reason)