is pornography grounds for divorce

[HRoberson]

The word Jesus uses isnt adultery it is pornea. That word means many different types of sexual immorality apart from adultery, therefore it cant be said that adultery alone is the reason for divorce.
Also if the porn use damages the wife, of course it damages the marriage as well. Using porn is both very spiritually damaging to one doing it and is also very damaging to their spouse, so how can this possibly not damage the marriage itself.?

Yes, I know what the word is. It's been consistently translated as adultery for a couple millennia. I'm not sure that the word being pornea allows us to cram whatever we want into it for the purpose of authorizing leaving your mate.

My distinction between harming the marriage, and hurting the spouse, is that the marriage is an institution. Some folks don't mind ticking off an institution, but might think twice if they realize they're actually harming their spouse. When I do marriage counseling, I don't focus on the social institution of marriage, I focus on the two people caring for one another. If they can't bring themselves to do that, then there's no reason to be married.

The "marriage" is an outgrowth of the supposed commitment they have for one another. But the point isn't the marriage as a "thing," it is their relationship to and treatment of their spouse.

 

Is looking at porn a sin? if it is, is it a sexual sin? Pornea is used elsewhere in the Bible for other sexual sins apart from adultery. Porn is very damaging for a marriage and has broken up many marriages. If it isnt sexual sin (ie pornea) then what is it?

Sin? Yes.

I know how pornea is used. How has the church translated our favorite passage since the first century?

It may be sexual sin, but it does not rise to the level that "authorizes" divorcing your mate.

It remains that, even if we can squeeze whatever sexual sin we please into an authorization to jettison your spouse, that still is not to be the first choice.

 totally agree HR,
divorcing anyone  should never be a first choice, but for a spouse who is into serious sexual sin and is totally unrepentant and not willing to even try to stop, there may eventually be little alternative sadly. After deep betrayal some cannot ever trust their spouse again and without trust what is there?
 

Since I can't speak for the writer of the OP, and she is still married, then I cannot simply say that because her husband has viewed pornography (and whatever else), that she has a pass to divorce him. It isn't that simple.

I'm going to mix threads here......

This situation is different than the "at odds with my situation" thread, and may help illustrate my views a bit better. In this thread there is an existing marriage that both seem to continue to recognize as existing. Therefore, in this thread, that relationship needs to be acknowledged and nurtured (if possible) by both partners.

In the "at odds" thread, as I understand it, both partners acknowledge the end of the relationship. Because that is the case, I see no reason to pretend it still exists simply because a piece of man-expected paperwork hasn't been completed.

[rppearso]

Im sorry to hear that, the fact that he had a willing participant at home makes all the difference in whos fault it is.  Im not sure why men act like that if they are getting what they need at home.  I think the reason why people disagree to the point of insult is becuase someone starts into a rant about something and they decievingly leave out critical information, like my sinful husband cheated and im so hurt blah blah and oh btw 8 pages later in the thread I stopped giving him BJ's but that should not be a big deal because I dont have to do anything I dont want to do and now he cheated and im pissy   (where is the rolls eyes emoticon when you need it lol).  I dont know how people manage to complicate these issues into 8 pages of discussion, its not rocket science.

i am a born again christian, my husband says he is born again talks the talk when needed but dosen't walk the walk. our marriage has failed and we are recently separated, he became very bitter to me and couldn't make eye contact with me, i found evedence of adultry he says he never has, i found he was on dating pages and seeking local women, i don't know if he acctually met any of them, the evedence says yes, but no actual proof, then later on i found he was on free porn sites and talking dirty with them, i couldn't believe what i learned, he dosn't know that i saw what he has been doing, he  says he dosn't look at porn or lust after young girls, is what he's doing grounds for divorce? if there is no actual physical contact? or is it just adultry in his heart, and also how he can lie to me and look me in the eyes and say honest before God i haven't cheated on you or lust after young girls, how do i stay in a marriage with someone i can't trust or believe, our marriage bed has always been a problem too, he was always trying to blame me, but i have learned how porn can desrtoy the christian marriage bed and i don't believe it to be my fault. it really makes me sick inside to know his secret lifestyle. is any of this grounds for divorce? nothing is in the works yet just separation.

Well, I very rarely post, mainly because no matter what one posts, someone will disagree with you to the point of insult, and I’m just too sensitive for that.  But here I go anyway.

My ex-husband was into porn and other “non-participatory” sexual activities (such as going to strip joints and topless bars) long before I met him.  He is not just a Christian, BTW, but a former minister, a teacher, and a counselor.  For him, it was an addiction - a control issue – he just couldn’t stop himself.  And before anyone says it, no, it wasn’t because he didn’t have a willing sexual partner at home.  Very much the opposite.
 
His actions never “crossed the line” into what most people would define as “adultery”, but between what he did, the lies he told about it, and the money he spent on it, he effectively destroyed our marriage.
 
In case anyone wonders, I did not give up on my marriage quickly or easily.  I dealt with his mess for twelve years, forgiving and starting over countless times.  But there came a point when I simply had to protect myself and my children from the pervasive consequences of his selfish actions.

It is not possible to have an effective marriage if there is no trust.  It doesn’t matter a bit to me whether anyone thinks I had “grounds” for divorce.  For me it was a matter of survival.

[chosenone]

I still don't agree that we have no choice but to look at porn if our spouse wont do certain things that we 'have' to have. looking at porn is a choice,just as having an affair is a choice.We are all accountable for what WE do and not what others do.

if my spouse had an accident and was paralysed from the neck down, is it then OK for me to have an affair or look at porn? if my spouse had a long term illness and couldn't have sex do I then have the 'right' to look at porn or find someone else to have sex with? Of course not. 
He is still my husband and I have still made a promise to forsake all others in sickness and in health, for better or for worse.

'Rights' have nothing to do with it, it is what we do before God that matters. No one except ourselves can make us do anything sinful and we have to take responsibility for what we do and stop blaming others for our sins and justifying them. That doesn't wash with God.

[browneyes]

i am a born again christian, my husband says he is born again talks the talk when needed but dosen't walk the walk. our marriage has failed and we are recently separated, he became very bitter to me and couldn't make eye contact with me, i found evedence of adultry he says he never has, i found he was on dating pages and seeking local women, i don't know if he acctually met any of them, the evedence says yes, but no actual proof, then later on i found he was on free porn sites and talking dirty with them, i couldn't believe what i learned, he dosn't know that i saw what he has been doing, he  says he dosn't look at porn or lust after young girls, is what he's doing grounds for divorce? if there is no actual physical contact? or is it just adultry in his heart, and also how he can lie to me and look me in the eyes and say honest before God i haven't cheated on you or lust after young girls, how do i stay in a marriage with someone i can't trust or believe, our marriage bed has always been a problem too, he was always trying to blame me, but i have learned how porn can desrtoy the christian marriage bed and i don't believe it to be my fault. it really makes me sick inside to know his secret lifestyle. is any of this grounds for divorce? nothing is in the works yet just separation.

Well, I very rarely post, mainly because no matter what one posts, someone will disagree with you to the point of insult, and I’m just too sensitive for that.  But here I go anyway.

My ex-husband was into porn and other “non-participatory” sexual activities (such as going to strip joints and topless bars) long before I met him.  He is not just a Christian, BTW, but a former minister, a teacher, and a counselor.  For him, it was an addiction - a control issue – he just couldn’t stop himself.  And before anyone says it, no, it wasn’t because he didn’t have a willing sexual partner at home.  Very much the opposite.
 
His actions never “crossed the line” into what most people would define as “adultery”, but between what he did, the lies he told about it, and the money he spent on it, he effectively destroyed our marriage.
 
In case anyone wonders, I did not give up on my marriage quickly or easily.  I dealt with his mess for twelve years, forgiving and starting over countless times.  But there came a point when I simply had to protect myself and my children from the pervasive consequences of his selfish actions.

It is not possible to have an effective marriage if there is no trust.  It doesn’t matter a bit to me whether anyone thinks I had “grounds” for divorce.  For me it was a matter of survival.

 Quinn
Well done for posting and yes you do have to have a bit of a tough hide to post anything here sometimes
Your story is awful and just the sort of thing I was thinking about when saying that so often these things are so destructive for both the spouse, the marriage and the children.
Also as you say it had nothing to do with whether he was having sex or not. I dont agree that most men 'have' to do this becuase their wives are not pleasing them in bed, that is a cop out. No one 'has' to do anything especially if it is sinful. We can choose to, but that is different.
As you say with no trust there is nothing.
I hope that things are better in your life now.
many men do this regardless of their sex lives, and regardless of how much is is hurting their wifes and marriages. 

Quinn & Choseone that is exactly right.  Viewing porn, going to strip clubs is a choice and it is considered adultery in one's heart.  Doesn't matter who's doing what the person making the choice to sin lustfully owns it.  Blaming their spouse or making all kinds of excuses like one male poster here continues to do is just a load of crock. 

[sahg]

hmm is there more to this story we dont know about.  Why are you separated?  Why is he looking for someone else?
[/
quote]

yes there is more to this story, alot to write about, but i will try to be more clear.it involves my husbands problem with girl watching and pornography and my emotional needs. our marriage of 14 yrs has revolved around my husbands need for constant sex and never being able to touch me without fondling me. i repeatedly told him how this made me feel, and if he could hug me or touch me lovingly and to not do certain things to me sexually and me to him every time we had sex, i always felt dirty and ashamed after sex and violated during the day every time he fondled me. he would say" you know you like it" and continue to do the same things. over time i began to tense up every time he woud touch me and eventually start pushing him off and sex became absent from our marriage. i told him i felt like his personal sex toy not loved or cherished not like a lady or felt beutiful before him, just ashamed and dirty he said i had a problem. he has always had a girl watching problem and always looked at pornography and he says he dosn't do either of those things any more, i've been watching what he has been doing on the computer and he's lying to me as he looks right into my eyes, i have seen him lie to others with ease, he's good at it. he is also very secretive about everything and has always put his family before me ,he moved out because he said he wants to start living, he said he is tired of being a slave to the marriage and our home. i have been through all the emotions of this failed marriage, we went to counciling( made things worse) he just wanted to get away from me.i'm ok now by the grace of God, i have grown closer to the Lord from all this and some of my personal issues have been dealt with and healed  by all the trauma of this lonely diffucult marriage and Gods grace. i praise him! i never thought i woud get divorced because we are christians but it does happen otherwise it would not be mentioned in the bible. i fear God and do not want to commit intentional sin, i am not looking for a free ticket to divorce, i see evidence of his unfaithfulness,  and how do i ever trust and believe him? and our sex life is ruined i believe because of him looking at porn and he won't admit it. we are getting along better as friends since we are apart, but i don't see the marriage to work. i will remain faithful to him though as lonely as i am.

[Mac]

hmm is there more to this story we dont know about.  Why are you separated?  Why is he looking for someone else?

yes there is more to this story, alot to write about, but i will try to be more clear.it involves my husbands problem with girl watching and pornography and my emotional needs. our marriage of 14 yrs has revolved around my husbands need for constant sex and never being able to touch me without fondling me. i repeatedly told him how this made me feel, and if he could hug me or touch me lovingly and to not do certain things to me sexually and me to him every time we had sex, i always felt dirty and ashamed after sex and violated during the day every time he fondled me. he would say" you know you like it" and continue to do the same things. over time i began to tense up every time he woud touch me and eventually start pushing him off and sex became absent from our marriage. i told him i felt like his personal sex toy not loved or cherished not like a lady or felt beutiful before him, just ashamed and dirty he said i had a problem. he has always had a girl watching problem and always looked at pornography and he says he dosn't do either of those things any more, i've been watching what he has been doing on the computer and he's lying to me as he looks right into my eyes, i have seen him lie to others with ease, he's good at it. he is also very secretive about everything and has always put his family before me ,he moved out because he said he wants to start living, he said he is tired of being a slave to the marriage and our home. i have been through all the emotions of this failed marriage, we went to counciling( made things worse) he just wanted to get away from me.i'm ok now by the grace of God, i have grown closer to the Lord from all this and some of my personal issues have been dealt with and healed  by all the trauma of this lonely diffucult marriage and Gods grace. i praise him! i never thought i woud get divorced because we are christians but it does happen otherwise it would not be mentioned in the bible. i fear God and do not want to commit intentional sin, i am not looking for a free ticket to divorce, i see evidence of his unfaithfulness,  and how do i ever trust and believe him? and our sex life is ruined i believe because of him looking at porn and he won't admit it. we are getting along better as friends since we are apart, but i don't see the marriage to work. i will remain faithful to him though as lonely as i am.

rppearso,

I hope you read what was posted here. These are true words from a wounded wife. This is what I and many others were trying to tell you about insisting on a sex act from your wife she did not want to do anymore. See what it did to this person? She how it affected her and the marriage?

She felt like a used piece of trash. I would suspect not much different from your own wife.

Why should anyone in a loving marriage have to live and feel like this? Does anyone deserve to feel this way?

Thank you Sahg for sharing that.

[rppearso]

I would say you do have issues, im not condoning his woman watching or porn use but when you cut him off like that this is going to be the result, it sounds like he was really into you for alot of years and you turned your back on him under the guise of "feeling used", my ex did the same thing, its the same cycle.  The woman comes up with a story that pulls at the heart strings of people reading about feeling like a prostitute and we are suppost to start man bashing her husband.  I could see going to counseling for the wandering eye and the porn but if you cut him off and started down the path of claiming to feel like a "prostitute" the counseling will be a waste of money and time.  I also agree he should give you hugs and kisses all the time but the bottom line is he is not going to want to if you just baited and switched on him for years.

hmm is there more to this story we dont know about.  Why are you separated?  Why is he looking for someone else?
[/
quote]

yes there is more to this story, alot to write about, but i will try to be more clear.it involves my husbands problem with girl watching and pornography and my emotional needs. our marriage of 14 yrs has revolved around my husbands need for constant sex and never being able to touch me without fondling me. i repeatedly told him how this made me feel, and if he could hug me or touch me lovingly and to not do certain things to me sexually and me to him every time we had sex, i always felt dirty and ashamed after sex and violated during the day every time he fondled me. he would say" you know you like it" and continue to do the same things. over time i began to tense up every time he woud touch me and eventually start pushing him off and sex became absent from our marriage. i told him i felt like his personal sex toy not loved or cherished not like a lady or felt beutiful before him, just ashamed and dirty he said i had a problem. he has always had a girl watching problem and always looked at pornography and he says he dosn't do either of those things any more, i've been watching what he has been doing on the computer and he's lying to me as he looks right into my eyes, i have seen him lie to others with ease, he's good at it. he is also very secretive about everything and has always put his family before me ,he moved out because he said he wants to start living, he said he is tired of being a slave to the marriage and our home. i have been through all the emotions of this failed marriage, we went to counciling( made things worse) he just wanted to get away from me.i'm ok now by the grace of God, i have grown closer to the Lord from all this and some of my personal issues have been dealt with and healed  by all the trauma of this lonely diffucult marriage and Gods grace. i praise him! i never thought i woud get divorced because we are christians but it does happen otherwise it would not be mentioned in the bible. i fear God and do not want to commit intentional sin, i am not looking for a free ticket to divorce, i see evidence of his unfaithfulness,  and how do i ever trust and believe him? and our sex life is ruined i believe because of him looking at porn and he won't admit it. we are getting along better as friends since we are apart, but i don't see the marriage to work. i will remain faithful to him though as lonely as i am.

[chosenone]

sahg
thank you also for sharing that story. It sounds as if you have begun to heal and that is good. Pornography, which it seems your husband was into before you even met, can be incredibly damaging to a relationship and can destroy it as you have proved. People look at porn and of course they want to do things that they see there whether they are things that are good and beneficial to the marriage or not. Some porn is terrible and so gross. The things they do on some porn sites can be so sick and have no place in a Christian marriage.

It seems that he has left and wants no more of the marriage. If he has been unfaithful you definately have grounds for divorce, and even if he hasnt his behaviour is really bad. Once you are divorced, the marriage is ended and you no longer have to be faithful to him. You will be free to remarry a  Christian man if God brings one into your life.
  

[chosenone]

I would say you do have issues, im not condoning his woman watching or porn use but when you cut him off like that this is going to be the result, it sounds like he was really into you for alot of years and you turned your back on him under the guise of "feeling used", my ex did the same thing, its the same cycle.  The woman comes up with a story that pulls at the heart strings of people reading about feeling like a prostitute and we are suppost to start man bashing her husband.  I could see going to counseling for the wandering eye and the porn but if you cut him off and started down the path of claiming to feel like a "prostitute" the counseling will be a waste of money and time.  I also agree he should give you hugs and kisses all the time but the bottom line is he is not going to want to if you just baited and switched on him for years.

hmm is there more to this story we dont know about.  Why are you separated?  Why is he looking for someone else?
[/
quote]

yes there is more to this story, alot to write about, but i will try to be more clear.it involves my husbands problem with girl watching and pornography and my emotional needs. our marriage of 14 yrs has revolved around my husbands need for constant sex and never being able to touch me without fondling me. i repeatedly told him how this made me feel, and if he could hug me or touch me lovingly and to not do certain things to me sexually and me to him every time we had sex, i always felt dirty and ashamed after sex and violated during the day every time he fondled me. he would say" you know you like it" and continue to do the same things. over time i began to tense up every time he woud touch me and eventually start pushing him off and sex became absent from our marriage. i told him i felt like his personal sex toy not loved or cherished not like a lady or felt beutiful before him, just ashamed and dirty he said i had a problem. he has always had a girl watching problem and always looked at pornography and he says he dosn't do either of those things any more, i've been watching what he has been doing on the computer and he's lying to me as he looks right into my eyes, i have seen him lie to others with ease, he's good at it. he is also very secretive about everything and has always put his family before me ,he moved out because he said he wants to start living, he said he is tired of being a slave to the marriage and our home. i have been through all the emotions of this failed marriage, we went to counciling( made things worse) he just wanted to get away from me.i'm ok now by the grace of God, i have grown closer to the Lord from all this and some of my personal issues have been dealt with and healed  by all the trauma of this lonely diffucult marriage and Gods grace. i praise him! i never thought i woud get divorced because we are christians but it does happen otherwise it would not be mentioned in the bible. i fear God and do not want to commit intentional sin, i am not looking for a free ticket to divorce, i see evidence of his unfaithfulness,  and how do i ever trust and believe him? and our sex life is ruined i believe because of him looking at porn and he won't admit it. we are getting along better as friends since we are apart, but i don't see the marriage to work. i will remain faithful to him though as lonely as i am.

 you really dont have a clue do you rppearso................ .A usual you see everything through your twisted vision. you have absolutely no respect for women and it shows here like a beacon light.

[fanuvmxpx]

yes there is more to this story, alot to write about, but i will try to be more clear.it involves my husbands problem with girl watching and pornography and my emotional needs. our marriage of 14 yrs has revolved around my husbands need for constant sex and never being able to touch me without fondling me. i repeatedly told him how this made me feel, and if he could hug me or touch me lovingly and to not do certain things to me sexually and me to him every time we had sex, i always felt dirty and ashamed after sex and violated during the day every time he fondled me. he would say" you know you like it" and continue to do the same things. over time i began to tense up every time he woud touch me and eventually start pushing him off and sex became absent from our marriage. i told him i felt like his personal sex toy not loved or cherished not like a lady or felt beutiful before him, just ashamed and dirty he said i had a problem. he has always had a girl watching problem and always looked at pornography and he says he dosn't do either of those things any more, i've been watching what he has been doing on the computer and he's lying to me as he looks right into my eyes, i have seen him lie to others with ease, he's good at it. he is also very secretive about everything and has always put his family before me ,he moved out because he said he wants to start living, he said he is tired of being a slave to the marriage and our home. i have been through all the emotions of this failed marriage, we went to counciling( made things worse) he just wanted to get away from me.i'm ok now by the grace of God, i have grown closer to the Lord from all this and some of my personal issues have been dealt with and healed  by all the trauma of this lonely diffucult marriage and Gods grace. i praise him! i never thought i woud get divorced because we are christians but it does happen otherwise it would not be mentioned in the bible. i fear God and do not want to commit intentional sin, i am not looking for a free ticket to divorce, i see evidence of his unfaithfulness,  and how do i ever trust and believe him? and our sex life is ruined i believe because of him looking at porn and he won't admit it. we are getting along better as friends since we are apart, but i don't see the marriage to work. i will remain faithful to him though as lonely as i am.

Please know that the viewpoint of rppearso does not represent born-again Christian males...nor the heart of Jesus Christ. Its essentially worthless advice, so take what little you can from it.

Pornography is never acceptable, doesn't matter what the circumstances are. Sin is Sin. Your husband refused to meet your 'love language' needs and you refused to meet his. You were both wrong and you are seeing the consequences of both being wrong.

This is why God needs to be the center of the marriage. These situations won't arise if both marriage partners are being servants to each other.

[rppearso]

So Mac lets take this through its normal course.  Wife decides 14 yrs into the relationship she feels like a prostitute (whatever) and stops doing whatever sex acts the husband needs to be fullfilled in the marriage and she blames the lack of affection and wandering eye (which you could work out in counseling) but the wondering eye is not really the issue its the performance of these sexual acts thats the bottem line.  Men get married becuase they have a burning passion and when the outlet for that passion has been cut off they will stray and porn is the first outlet, not to say he was not looking at it before but I bet its gotten worse hasent it.  This is the reality of the situation, if she did not like being sexual in every way with her husband she should not have got married.  So what if he grabs your butt when he gives you a hug and a kiss your his wife, you should be happy he is that into you 14 yrs into the marriage.

This being said I agree there are things he needs to work on as well (the wondering eye and the porn), but the stuff he has to work on is irrelevant until the prudishness stops, if your heels are dug in and you are no longer going to do what you have been doing for years in bed you might want to get yourself mentally prepared for a divorce.  This is your reality and what you are doing to your husband is not ok.  you can listen to others on this form man bash your husband but its not going to help your marriage.  The sexual acts he wants you should not stop doing, you should get into counseling and figure out what you need from him to feel fullfilled so you can continue to perform the sex acts he needs.  If you have already decided that you done you should let him know that so you can both move on with your lives so you are not pushing him into a position of commiting adultry on you, and from your thread title it sounds like you are already considering divorce so maybe you are already mentally prepared for what is to come from the decisions you have made.

You are going to get all kinds of blather from the peanut gallery on here but it will likely not help your marraige, some person on an internet forum saying yea your husband is living in sin and should be kicked out of chruch and burnt at the stake is not going to help your situation.  Only you can help your situation.  I am saying this as a man who was in this exact scenario and it ended in a divorce.  Whatever the sex acts are I can tell you right now its not dirty and withholding is not right.

hmm is there more to this story we dont know about.  Why are you separated?  Why is he looking for someone else?

yes there is more to this story, alot to write about, but i will try to be more clear.it involves my husbands problem with girl watching and pornography and my emotional needs. our marriage of 14 yrs has revolved around my husbands need for constant sex and never being able to touch me without fondling me. i repeatedly told him how this made me feel, and if he could hug me or touch me lovingly and to not do certain things to me sexually and me to him every time we had sex, i always felt dirty and ashamed after sex and violated during the day every time he fondled me. he would say" you know you like it" and continue to do the same things. over time i began to tense up every time he woud touch me and eventually start pushing him off and sex became absent from our marriage. i told him i felt like his personal sex toy not loved or cherished not like a lady or felt beutiful before him, just ashamed and dirty he said i had a problem. he has always had a girl watching problem and always looked at pornography and he says he dosn't do either of those things any more, i've been watching what he has been doing on the computer and he's lying to me as he looks right into my eyes, i have seen him lie to others with ease, he's good at it. he is also very secretive about everything and has always put his family before me ,he moved out because he said he wants to start living, he said he is tired of being a slave to the marriage and our home. i have been through all the emotions of this failed marriage, we went to counciling( made things worse) he just wanted to get away from me.i'm ok now by the grace of God, i have grown closer to the Lord from all this and some of my personal issues have been dealt with and healed  by all the trauma of this lonely diffucult marriage and Gods grace. i praise him! i never thought i woud get divorced because we are christians but it does happen otherwise it would not be mentioned in the bible. i fear God and do not want to commit intentional sin, i am not looking for a free ticket to divorce, i see evidence of his unfaithfulness,  and how do i ever trust and believe him? and our sex life is ruined i believe because of him looking at porn and he won't admit it. we are getting along better as friends since we are apart, but i don't see the marriage to work. i will remain faithful to him though as lonely as i am.

rppearso,

I hope you read what was posted here. These are true words from a wounded wife. This is what I and many others were trying to tell you about insisting on a sex act from your wife she did not want to do anymore. See what it did to this person? She how it affected her and the marriage?

She felt like a used piece of trash. I would suspect not much different from your own wife.

Why should anyone in a loving marriage have to live and feel like this? Does anyone deserve to feel this way?

Thank you Sahg for sharing that.

[fanuvmxpx]

Only you can help your situation.

Unfortunately, this is the advise given from a man who has no faith in God. Jesus Christ can save your marriage, but it requires Him as the center of both partner's lives.

Should your husband look at porn? no
Should you withhold all sex from him? no
Should you be offended that your husband still thinks your a catch (heavy petting)? Of course not
Should your husband be willing to work on a love language that you appreciate? yes

Marriage takes effort yes, but its the hearts that need to change here. If you are focused on Christ, the heart of a servant will keep your marriage strong.

[rppearso]

his behavior is actually fairly normal (not right but normal), look at how many forums there are with guys that struggle with porn.  Porn is not gross and nothing is done in porn that should not be done in a marraige unless you are getting some kind of child porn or something way extreme.  I also think some porn for couples educational purposes would be ok as well, how else are you going to learn to do new things in bed, I guess you could read about it in text.  Your opinions chosenone are extremely prudish and stifling and have little to no foundation in scripture, you continually just get on here and post your opinion which has no scriptural backing.

sahg
thank you also for sharing that story. It sounds as if you have begun to heal and that is good. Pornography, which it seems your husband was into before you even met, can be incredibly damaging to a relationship and can destroy it as you have proved. People look at porn and of course they want to do things that they see there whether they are things that are good and beneficial to the marriage or not. Some porn is terrible and so gross. The things they do on some porn sites can be so sick and have no place in a Christian marriage.

It seems that he has left and wants no more of the marriage. If he has been unfaithful you definately have grounds for divorce, and even if he hasnt his behaviour is really bad. Once you are divorced, the marriage is ended and you no longer have to be faithful to him. You will be free to remarry a  Christian man if God brings one into your life.
  

[chosenone]

So Mac lets take this through its normal course.  Wife decides 14 yrs into the relationship she feels like a prostitute (whatever) and stops doing whatever sex acts the husband needs to be fullfilled in the marriage and she blames the lack of affection and wandering eye (which you could work out in counseling) but the wondering eye is not really the issue its the performance of these sexual acts thats the bottem line.  Men get married becuase they have a burning passion and when the outlet for that passion has been cut off they will stray and porn is the first outlet, not to say he was not looking at it before but I bet its gotten worse hasent it.  This is the reality of the situation, if she did not like being sexual in every way with her husband she should not have got married.  So what if he grabs your butt when he gives you a hug and a kiss your his wife, you should be happy he is that into you 14 yrs into the marriage.

This being said I agree there are things he needs to work on as well (the wondering eye and the porn), but the stuff he has to work on is irrelevant until the prudishness stops, if your heels are dug in and you are no longer going to do what you have been doing for years in bed you might want to get yourself mentally prepared for a divorce.  This is your reality and what you are doing to your husband is not ok.  you can listen to others on this form man bash your husband but its not going to help your marriage.  The sexual acts he wants you should not stop doing, you should get into counseling and figure out what you need from him to feel fullfilled so you can continue to perform the sex acts he needs.  If you have already decided that you done you should let him know that so you can both move on with your lives so you are not pushing him into a position of commiting adultry on you, and from your thread title it sounds like you are already considering divorce so maybe you are already mentally prepared for what is to come from the decisions you have made.

You are going to get all kinds of blather from the peanut gallery on here but it will likely not help your marraige, some person on an internet forum saying yea your husband is living in sin and should be kicked out of chruch and burnt at the stake is not going to help your situation.  Only you can help your situation.  I am saying this as a man who was in this exact scenario and it ended in a divorce.  Whatever the sex acts are I can tell you right now its not dirty and withholding is not right.

hmm is there more to this story we dont know about.  Why are you separated?  Why is he looking for someone else?

yes there is more to this story, alot to write about, but i will try to be more clear.it involves my husbands problem with girl watching and pornography and my emotional needs. our marriage of 14 yrs has revolved around my husbands need for constant sex and never being able to touch me without fondling me. i repeatedly told him how this made me feel, and if he could hug me or touch me lovingly and to not do certain things to me sexually and me to him every time we had sex, i always felt dirty and ashamed after sex and violated during the day every time he fondled me. he would say" you know you like it" and continue to do the same things. over time i began to tense up every time he woud touch me and eventually start pushing him off and sex became absent from our marriage. i told him i felt like his personal sex toy not loved or cherished not like a lady or felt beutiful before him, just ashamed and dirty he said i had a problem. he has always had a girl watching problem and always looked at pornography and he says he dosn't do either of those things any more, i've been watching what he has been doing on the computer and he's lying to me as he looks right into my eyes, i have seen him lie to others with ease, he's good at it. he is also very secretive about everything and has always put his family before me ,he moved out because he said he wants to start living, he said he is tired of being a slave to the marriage and our home. i have been through all the emotions of this failed marriage, we went to counciling( made things worse) he just wanted to get away from me.i'm ok now by the grace of God, i have grown closer to the Lord from all this and some of my personal issues have been dealt with and healed  by all the trauma of this lonely diffucult marriage and Gods grace. i praise him! i never thought i woud get divorced because we are christians but it does happen otherwise it would not be mentioned in the bible. i fear God and do not want to commit intentional sin, i am not looking for a free ticket to divorce, i see evidence of his unfaithfulness,  and how do i ever trust and believe him? and our sex life is ruined i believe because of him looking at porn and he won't admit it. we are getting along better as friends since we are apart, but i don't see the marriage to work. i will remain faithful to him though as lonely as i am.

rppearso,

I hope you read what was posted here. These are true words from a wounded wife. This is what I and many others were trying to tell you about insisting on a sex act from your wife she did not want to do anymore. See what it did to this person? She how it affected her and the marriage?

She felt like a used piece of trash. I would suspect not much different from your own wife.

Why should anyone in a loving marriage have to live and feel like this? Does anyone deserve to feel this way?

Thank you Sahg for sharing that.

  you havent got a clue what acts she is talking about so how can you possibly say that they are normal?

[rppearso]

She should not withhold ANY type of sex from him, thats the point you are all missing.  As I said the decisions you make will determine if your marriage succeeds for fails, and I can tell you right now if you think intercourse once a week should be enough to make him happy you will have a rude awakening, I am not sure what the sex acts were you were doing before but to discontinue them will irriversibly damage your marriage.

"Unfortunately, this is the advise given from a man who has no faith in God" - really, that was a purely inflamitory and unfounded remark, although it does not surprise me since I am not affraid to speak truth.

Only you can help your situation.

Unfortunately, this is the advise given from a man who has no faith in God. Jesus Christ can save your marriage, but it requires Him as the center of both partner's lives.

Should your husband look at porn? no
Should you withhold all sex from him? no
Should you be offended that your husband still thinks your a catch (heavy petting)? Of course not
Should your husband be willing to work on a love language that you appreciate? yes

Marriage takes effort yes, but its the hearts that need to change here. If you are focused on Christ, the heart of a servant will keep your marriage strong.