premarital counseling, I'm curious

[jayjester]

To set the scene a little for everyone.  We are in our mid twenties, strong Christians, attend Lutheran service, and have plans to get married May 22, 2010.

My fiance and I will be going to start premarital counseling soon.  To be honest, I'm a bit anxious (but not nervous).  I know why it's important.  The divorce rates are abysmal.  It's like people don't know what commitment is anymore.

I'm wondering exactly what the pastor will ask us.  She's unsure what to say if he brings up relationships from the past.
I'm also feel unsure about when and if he brings up physical intimacy.  My fiance and I haven't had sexual intercourse, but there are things we really should have waited on.  We've been working very hard to reestablish boundaries.

FW and I have an incredibly mature and strong relationship, so I'm wondering exactly what premarital will help us with.  Should I be worried about a major wake up call in our relationship.  I don't think that will happen, but I can't help shaking that feeling, like something terribly wrong will happen. (I'm a terrible cynic and pessimist)
I'm working myself up into a panic attack, I know.
If anyone can give me some hints on what will go on, I'd apreciate it.  I think it will help calm some of my anxieties.
   -Blessings

[Mac]

We are in our mid twenties, strong Christians,

Good. That is the most important part. (Being a Christian that is)

My fiance and I will be going to start premarital counseling soon.  To be honest, I'm a bit anxious (but not nervous).  I know why it's important.  The divorce rates are abysmal.  It's like people don't know what commitment is anymore.

Well, it is the culture we live in today. They do not RESPECT the commitment made. If people would understand that a marriage covenant is not only between you and the wife, but God as well, there would be less divorce. But we live in a Godless culture. For all practical purposes. It is all about me, me, me... Their wants and wishes.

I'm wondering exactly what the pastor will ask us.  She's unsure what to say if he brings up relationships from the past.

Tell the truth. With in reason. There is no need for a descriptive narrative, but if they ask, tell them.

They will most likely talk to you about the importance of the covenant that you two are making. The importance of this covenant to God as well. The responsibilities of a Godly husband and wife. Talk about prayer life with each other, etc... They will try to ensure that the maturity level is there.. That kind of thing.

I'm also feel unsure about when and if he brings up physical intimacy.  My fiance and I haven't had sexual intercourse, but there are things we really should have waited on.  We've been working very hard to reestablish boundaries.

Again, tell the truth. His wisdom may very well help reestablish boundaries. Be leieve me, he has heard it before.

Should I be worried about a major wake up call in our relationship.  I don't think that will happen, but I can't help shaking that feeling, like something terribly wrong will happen. (I'm a terrible cynic and pessimist)
I'm working myself up into a panic attack, I know.

Take it to the Lord in prayer. Jesus is the Prince of Peace. Do not be filled with fear or panic. He will comfort you.

One thing I would do... Your question about the major shake up? I get the impression you are concerned about something.. Please do not take this the wrong way, but if you suspect that there may be some "skeletons" in the closet and this is giving you hesitation, speak to your fiance. Explain to her that a suprise in this situation is not beneficial to either one of you.

God bless and let us know how it goes.

[mandalee65]

My premarital counseling was a pathetic joke. One session, with our preacher, which was cut short b/c his daughter was in town and he was in a hurry to go home and see her. I know for a fact that he's spent a great deal of time with other couples, but he did not afford us the same courtesy.

But I digress. . . I think you can expect questions about how you handle money, where you will spend holidays, which way the toilet paper should hang - okay, maybe not that, but in all seriousness, the little things can destroy a relationship faster than the big stuff. No matter how well you know your fiance, it's only a scratch on the surface of what you find out once you're married.

Don't stress too much. If it turns out that there is a big, ugly skeleton in the closet, then it's better to know now than after you're married.

One thing I would suggest - there are a lot of good books and other resources out there for engaged couples. Check into those as well; don't limit your counseling to the sessions before the wedding.

[fanuvmxpx]

My pre-marital was required to marry at the church...which I thought was odd as it cost money to attend instead of being a ministry...but I digress...

Me and my Wife did enjoy it. The couple speaking went over all the taboo topics that Christians always ponder (forms of sex, bodily fluids, menstruation, etc.)...got those out of the way early on so everyone was informed (maybe some guys didn't have moms/sisters).

Went over hardships (financial, fighting, theological, family, lust, proper communication with the opposite sex, etc.) You name it, they addressed it. Then at the end the couple gave the brides to be a laundry list of 'honeymoon specific' items and talked about the pains involved, etc. Overall very informative.

Only bad side? You'll get opinion still. Our personal counselor, for a private 30-minute session one day, said I was anti-social because I don't like, or have a desire to attend, parties (like...drinking/socializing ones...without a purpose such as a holiday). I thought that odd since I find parties extremely boring, people just stand around and talk. I guess it was partially biased as our counselor was a woman and couldn't fathom why men don't always like standing around and talking with nothing to do.

[chosenone]

My pre-marital was required to marry at the church...which I thought was odd as it cost money to attend instead of being a ministry...but I digress...

Me and my Wife did enjoy it. The couple speaking went over all the taboo topics that Christians always ponder (forms of sex, bodily fluids, menstruation, etc.)...got those out of the way early on so everyone was informed (maybe some guys didn't have moms/sisters).

Went over hardships (financial, fighting, theological, family, lust, proper communication with the opposite sex, etc.) You name it, they addressed it. Then at the end the couple gave the brides to be a laundry list of 'honeymoon specific' items and talked about the pains involved, etc. Overall very informative.

Only bad side? You'll get opinion still. Our personal counselor, for a private 30-minute session one day, said I was anti-social because I don't like, or have a desire to attend, parties (like...drinking/socializing ones...without a purpose such as a holiday). I thought that odd since I find parties extremely boring, people just stand around and talk. I guess it was partially biased as our counselor was a woman and couldn't fathom why men don't always like standing around and talking with nothing to do.

 well fanuv
I am a lady and I also dislike that sort of party that you are talking about. I am happy to go to a fellowship group or simiiar but the standing around making small talk type of thing I hate. Even the mention of the word 'party' makes me feel uneasy. Parties are good for extroverts but not for the more introvert, quiet, thoughtful types. I would far rather have a nice walk and an evening in with a good book or something similar.

[kensington]

Personally, I would join the young married Sunday School class if I were you...  You can get much out of that.  Or Family Living if your church offers that.  I was a single mom, and I attended that sunday school class and still attended the singles social functions..  So... I got the input on family and kids while also being ministered to as a single.

Our church did a "Marriage" class seminar weekend.. and it was taped.  Our pastor gave us the tapes as a gift when we decided to get married.  It was great.  It was three days of teaching, and you could rewind!   I guess if it broke down into sessions, it would have been about 6 I guess.  6 tapes an hour each... so yeah... about 6 sessions.  I liked that it was done in a large group session rather than being put on the spot talking with the pastor.  At the end of each session, they read  questions people had, and answered them.  I can't think of any thing that he missed... Including squeezing the toothpaste from the end, and putting the toilet paper on the roller! 

So, even if you go... seek out to find more and as much info as you can on marriage... 

[candy]

I certainly agree with the posts here.  I have been married over 25 years to the same man and believe it or not, we are basically happy.  I know that nothing on earth is 100%.  We can only get that through God.  The major part of marriage is to communicate, communicate, communicate.  I cannot say this enough.  There will be problems, but with communication and of course God's help, you both can make it through.  It may not be easy, but with time and patience and of course humor, you'll make it.  Don't forget to pray a lot.

[ex cathedra]

why not ask a lutheran pastor.
go to
www.wels.net
and look for questions and answers and click on it
if the question has not been answered ask it
 or view the answer if it has been answered.

[fanuvmxpx]

why not ask a lutheran pastor.
go to
www.wels.net
and look for questions and answers and click on it
if the question has not been answered ask it
 or view the answer if it has been answered.

Or better yet...ask God.

[HRoberson]

Well-done premarital counseling has one purpose: To ensure that the couple has considered and resolved (as much as star-struck couples can) the common major issues that arise in a marriage. If they cannot resolve a major issue, they have the option of not getting married at all, delaying until they can resolve the question, or getting married anyway knowing that the issue has been identified.

Premarital counseling should take between eight and 15 hours, spread over eight to ten weeks. The timing is intended to provide reflection time for the couple between sessions.

Some providers will require that you not have intense sexual behaviors for the duration of the counseling, and that you not live together. Some don't care.

Questions should include questions about your families of origin, discipline, domestic roles in the relationship, relationship goals (children, discipline, who works, etc), retirement and end of life goals (own a house, live in an RV, travel, what not), leisure time activities, religious priorities and beliefs, who will keep the checkbook, sexuality, etc.

When asked a question, you should answer it honestly and fully since the idea here is to let your partner know what they're getting into.

I don't ask couples how many partners they've had or whether they are having sex. I do tell them that being in a sexual relationship will likely cloud their judgment on other topics.

[jayjester]

Well, we had our first session.
It was enjoyable.  Our pastor is taking a bible study styled approach.  We are using "Life Lines of Love" as our study guide.  It addresses a lot of issues that can create bad marriages, or that can tear them apart.  Life Lines of Love teaches primarily with the Law and Gospel.  The law gives us the ways we are to love our spouse.  What we should do, and what we shouldn't.  It is Gods perfect plan for his blessed children celebrating holy matrimony.  No one is perfect though, and there is no such thing as the perfect mate.  We all have our faults, and left unaddressed, these sins will tear at a relationship.  Only forgiveness, enabled and brought forth by the gospel, will save a marriage.  This is the life line of love.
He is deeply encouraged (as are we) that we are both of the same faith, and it helps that we are in the same denomination and synod.  It is nice to also have him available to pull his ear about things that we have planned for the ceremony and what he would advise us toward.
Next chapter is forgives.  Its going more into depth with tools on how to live together in peace instead of at war.  I'm not feeling as anxious this time, but I know that there will probably be some much more uncomfortable issues to talk about this time.  We are all very conservative, so it's embarrassing bringing up things that your not proud of  (please don't make assumptions about what I'm talking about, it's between God and us)

[walker starr]

   I have experienced two marriage counselling sessions.  One Lutheran  and one Jewish  (two different marriages just in case you wondered) The most difficult was the Lutheran .  Both were amusing because in each instance the counselor even though adult was at least twenty years younger than either I or my about to be bride,  Much of the material pertained the children ,the raising of. and the promise to teach them the pertinent Faith.  Neither of us were young enough to have children.  We had a choice be indignant or be amused.  We elected amusement and eventually they were finished.  The Lutheran marriage lasted l6 years;the Jewish one 17. Unfortunately I outlived each of them.