It's been 5 weeks since I have seen my wife, should I just leave it alone?

[UtahDad]

Today has been five weeks since I have seen my wife and a few weeks since I have even been able to get a hold of her.  Contrary to what she has told me I have still yet to see the divorce papers that she told me would be done weeks ago.  I have some things I need to send to her parent's house (it's the only way I even know how to contact her, not sure where she is anymore) and I am wondering if I should even include any notes/letter for her trying to get her to rethink what she is doing.

A few things to clarify since my first posting about this.  I know I got kind of beat up for saying I looked at her phone when things started to go bad and that I was being overly suspicious because of how she acted with it along with her being so secretive. 

Browsing thru the last cell phone bill for the 3 weeks leading up to her kicking me out I found that she had very good reason for not wanting me to see her phone.  There were numerous phone calls coming in at 12-1-2 in the morning (she would turn her phone on silent all of a sudden) that were from numbers that I don't recognize, there were numerous calls in varying length in and out of her cell when she claimed to be working (she can't use a cell at work under any circumstance) and to top it off the last call before she left her phone and the note telling me to leave was to what appears, as far as I can remember his number, to be her ex's out of state cell (he lives 30 minutes away but different area code).

While I am still praying for this situation and so is the whole church, she still has refused to talk with our pastor or even talk with her family about what is going on.  I hate to admit it but with all that has come out in the last 5 weeks it appears that she is an entirely different person than I have known for the last 4 years and 180 degrees different than how she acted for the year we were courting.  Given all that I know now and what she has done/is doing I can't honestly say that if she came back now asking for forgiveness that I could have her back around.  I can forgive anyone but I am not one to put myself back blindly into something with someone that I can't trust.

 

[phoebe]

Don't beat yourself up.  I would have looked. 

It will take a lot of work and time to repair this kind of damage.  It can be done, but it takes two willing partners, and God in it all.

[chosenone]

yes it does take two to make it work, and if she is not willing then all you can do is pray. It must be hard for you to not know what is going on or whether she is going to file for divorce or not. She is keeping you guessing and that is cruel. Could you ask her parents to let you know what is going on so that at least you know?

[UtahDad]

yes it does take two to make it work, and if she is not willing then all you can do is pray. It must be hard for you to not know what is going on or whether she is going to file for divorce or not. She is keeping you guessing and that is cruel. Could you ask her parents to let you know what is going on so that at least you know?

Yea, this is killing me right now.  I've done all I can do to get her to rethink what she is doing, to the point of looking like a complete fool to her friends and family but I don't even care what they think.  Her parents are pretty much in the dark.  Her dad and I got along great but because of this she won't even talk to him about anything with 'us'.  He has told her to either come in to counseling to work things out or get the papers done so I can have some kind of closure. 

The last conversation I had with her over the phone almost 3 weeks ago was awful.  She was extremely mean and bitter, blaming me and everything else she could think of for what she is doing.  She insists that she has made up her mind after praying and, "God telling her this is what she should do".  Of course at the same time she was refusing to talk with our pastor or even go to God's Word about this situation, she 'just knew' that God was telling her to do this to fix her "mistake" of marrying me to begin with.

[Mac]

Yea, this is killing me right now.  I've done all I can do to get her to rethink what she is doing, to the point of looking like a complete fool to her friends and family but I don't even care what they think.  Her parents are pretty much in the dark.  Her dad and I got along great but because of this she won't even talk to him about anything with 'us'.  He has told her to either come in to counseling to work things out or get the papers done so I can have some kind of closure. 

The last conversation I had with her over the phone almost 3 weeks ago was awful.  She was extremely mean and bitter, blaming me and everything else she could think of for what she is doing.  She insists that she has made up her mind after praying and, "God telling her this is what she should do".  Of course at the same time she was refusing to talk with our pastor or even go to God's Word about this situation, she 'just knew' that God was telling her to do this to fix her "mistake" of marrying me to begin with.

Ever heard of the old saying, "If you love something, set it free.. If it comes back, it's yours.. If it doesn't, it never was.."

I believe you have done all you can. You need to move on. Lay this one at the feet of the Lord and walk away. You didn't do anything wrong. So, you shouldn't feel any shame for trying to get her to see what she was doing is wrong..

But, it is time to move on... I wouldn't send any letters to her. Just return what ever it is you need to. Send it to her parents and be done with it.

The only way you would ever know she was unfaithful, is if she told you.. And she will not do that right now...

This situation is in Gods hands now.

[chosenone]

yes it does take two to make it work, and if she is not willing then all you can do is pray. It must be hard for you to not know what is going on or whether she is going to file for divorce or not. She is keeping you guessing and that is cruel. Could you ask her parents to let you know what is going on so that at least you know?

Yea, this is killing me right now.  I've done all I can do to get her to rethink what she is doing, to the point of looking like a complete fool to her friends and family but I don't even care what they think.  Her parents are pretty much in the dark.  Her dad and I got along great but because of this she won't even talk to him about anything with 'us'.  He has told her to either come in to counseling to work things out or get the papers done so I can have some kind of closure.  

The last conversation I had with her over the phone almost 3 weeks ago was awful.  She was extremely mean and bitter, blaming me and everything else she could think of for what she is doing.  She insists that she has made up her mind after praying and, "God telling her this is what she should do".  Of course at the same time she was refusing to talk with our pastor or even go to God's Word about this situation, she 'just knew' that God was telling her to do this to fix her "mistake" of marrying me to begin with.

 Well of course God isnt telling her to do what she is doing, as God deosnt go aganst his Word, but you know that and deep down she knows that as well. However people can convince themselves that they are doing the right thing even if it isnt. I am always amazed at what  people will try to justify.it is incredible.
Also the fact that she is trying to blame you and everyone else is just her trying to deflect blame to stop her feeling guilty.
Its pretty normal behaviour for someone who is sinning and disobeyng God and who doesnt want to do the right thing, or be challenged by anyone. Her cutting herself off from everyone is proving that also. She is clearly deluded and blinded to her  true situation.
I dont think you can do anything unless you receive divorce papers.except pray for her to come to her senses. Do you actually know where she is?
Of course you can always divorce her, as she has repeadedly committed adultery."That would give you closure and enable you to move on.

[UtahDad]

Well of course God isnt telling her to do what she is doing, as God deosnt go aganst his Word, but you know that and deep down she knows that as well. However people can convince themselves that they are doing the right thing even if it isnt. I am always amazed at what  people will try to justify.it is incredible.
Also the fact that she is trying to blame you and everyone else is just her trying to deflect blame to stop her feeling guilty.
Its pretty normal behaviour for someone who is sinning and disobeyng God and who doesnt want to do the right thing, or be challenged by anyone. Her cutting herself off from everyone is proving that also
I dont think you can do anything unless you receive divorce papers.except pray for her to come to her senses. Do you actually know where she is? is she with this other man?

Of course you can always divorce her but I am sure that you dont want to do that and it may also ensble her to blame you saying "well he divorced ME you know"

I can't say for certain she is but between the hints from her family, the multiple cell phone calls to one number that I know 100% for sure was his, and the fact that she was down in his town (about 40 minutes drive away, never went there for anything but to see him in the past) the day after she kicked me out, I would have to say I am pretty confident that she is with this guy. 

I will just have to sit around and wait for her to get the papers back to me. 

[UtahDad]

I was just browsing some old documents and ran across a letter from when we started to get more serious, I figured I would share part of it just to show that I have always been upfront with her about what I was looking for and not changing after we got married.

(Some parts were cut off from the beginning that didn't ad to this post)

........I guess I just wanted to be upfront about everything and reemphasize what I am looking for if things with us can move forward.  The first and foremost is that I am always looking for someone who is looking for the same God centered relationship that I am seeking.  I will never be one to forsake my God and I am looking for someone who can help steer our lives together in a way that is pleasing to the Lord and help us set a good example for our kids and others around us.  Secondly I must have honesty and faithfulness, in everything, and this is so very important.  You know my past and what I have gone thru and I know yours, I believe that for any relationship to work there can be no secrets and there has to be total honesty and total faithfulness in every area.  Thirdly I must be with someone who is with it for the long haul that knows what she needs in her life and appreciates what I have to offer.

I have prayed long and hard that God would show me His path in regards to the job in Vegas and I have faith that He has.  I am in no rush with everything and honestly there is that situation with your ex that you must resolve before I can believe you are really serious about wanting to see how things go with us.  I can be patient but you are going to have to show me that you want to have a real Godly man in your life.  I have shown by my actions how I am and what I am willing to do for you and your kids, now I need to see if you are willing to do the same for me.......

[Don58]

UtahDad,
  You are in a tough situation as you obviously love this girl.  You have an asset in being a Christian, you will need faith to get through this.  Counseling and faith will be your weapons for the battle. 
  Be on guard to NOT become bitter.  I was bitter for so long and it is such a negative force.  Don't hate, pray for strength, pray for grace.  If there are children involved do NOT disrespect their mother, it is so easy to do.  I engaged in hate and bitterness with regards to my divorce and visitations and as a result the damage I did was irreparable. 
  I'll pray for you, brother.
May God bless you,
                                Don

[UtahDad]

Thanks for the prayers and replies guys.  I don't think I am being bitter or heading that way, I just am at the point where I need to get some kind of closure from her about all this.  I attended our church's annual men's conference all day yesterday and sat with her brother in law.  We talked between the various activities and he has said she has really just dropped off the radar with her family too.  He was at church with her sister today and unfortunately they also says that this is the behavior she has exhibited in the past when she has found a new guy that the family won't approve of (or her ex). 

I have a window of time that is closing where being married but her not around may affect an upcoming job.  I am up for a LE job and this is not going to look good as they start looking into my background and asking questions about all this.  I am still not sure that I have enough 'evidence' for my church to be ok with me filing for divorce but I can't just stay in this limbo forever. 

[primaryjustice]

UtahDad - Although I hate to actually be able to relate to your situation, I'm right there with you going through almost the exact same thing right now, except that I do know where my wife is; the bedroom next to me. I've been through the worst emotional rollercoaster the past 5 weeks (5 on Tuesday), and it looks like my wife has no desire to reconcile either. I've heard that this is much like a mental illness, especially for a Christian person, because you have to basically take your faith and shut it up completely; you have to essentially kill the voice of the Holy Spirit so you can continue to do what your doing. Scary, but it explains how it's possible.

Regarding the phone bills: I believe you had every right to look through them and identify stuff out of the ordinary. In my case, I did that for a while and noticed that while my wife's affair was building up, she was texting this guy and talking on the phone for quite some time. When I would confront her, she would brush it off and accuse me of not trusting her. In hindsight I wish I'd confronted more, but everything happens for a reason.

I agree with the general advice on this board. I absolutely believe your marriage can be repaired, and if that happens, it can be much stronger and a testimony to God's power and grace. It looks like your job opportunity is pushing you up against a wall with a timeframe. While I don't believe it should be an impediment, I can understand how a Law Enforcement job would want to look into your personal life and find out as much as they can. I truly wish you the best with your job and hope this doesn't become an issue with it.

If the job isn't an issue, I would say give it more time. I posted on the thread I originally started more about how sometimes I've been ready to just throw in the towel. This past weekend was one of those, and I had to desperately just cry out to God to give me hope because I was basically all out. Interestingly enough, a few minutes later I read a devotion called "Divine Delays" about how sometimes God will delay answering our prayers for His own reasons, or to teach us a lesson we wouldn't otherwise learn. I'm not sure how much that applies to your situation, but it definitely brought me back to my knees and reminded me that God's timing isn't mine, and that his timing is perfect.

Please know that your situation is in my heart and mind, and I will definitely keep praying for it to be resolved, and for it not to interfere with your possible LE job.

[chosenone]

Primary justice
Re the job and wanting to know what is gong to happen. have you actually asked her straight out if she has had an affair?

[yesult]

I don't think there really is much you can do exact wait for the divorce papers.

[chosenone]

I don't think there really is much you can do exact wait for the divorce papers.

 or send them to her first......

[haveahope]

Utahdad, so sorry you find yourself in this horrible situation.  I agree with PJ who said you had every right to check her cell phone! How could anyone disagree with that.  You are her husband and there are no secrets between husband and wife.  A person who has nothing to hide, hides nothing.  I so know the cell phone problem.  I didn't even touch my husbands phone for 4 months.  He either had it in his hand in his pocket or under his pillow.
  Bills all went to the office, so I couldn't get the phone records.  Long story,,,, I finally got them and there were 200 phone calls  and twice that many texts to his girlfriend. In one 30 day period.
  Let me tell you what I did when I found out, remember this was after 4 months of getting denials, angry diatribes, lies and lies on top of lies and making me feel like I was a crazy person,  I marched into his office watching his bewildered face and grabbed his cell phone off of his desk ( he thought it was safe) and stomped that cell phone into about 30 pieces.  Of course that didn't stop their affair, but it sure as heck felt great!!  Don't let anyone tell you you had no right - you did and do.

 Why can't you check your county's records to see if your wife has filed for sure?  If she hasn't you could do it yourself.  She would probably be shocked and maybe woke up from the blinding fog she is in.  Are you saying she is back with her ex husband?  Does she have the kids?  Remember, just because you file for divorce doesn't mean you have to go through with it.  If it wakes her up, good. That was your intention. And if not she sounds like maybe she was a fraud all along.  You've only been married 4 years right? What was her response to the letter you posted?  Was there ever a time when you felt she genuinely followed the Lord?  Did you pray together?  It's pretty hard to pray with someone and not know their heart towards God.
 I know the pain - I'm sorry you are there.  Cry out to Jesus! He hears you.  He has promised to never give us more that we are able to handle.   Keep praying for strength and wisdom.  I'm praying for you too.
HAH

Just read choseone's reply.  We were thinking the same.