It's been 5 weeks since I have seen my wife, should I just leave it alone?

[Mere Nick]

she left her phone and the note telling me to leave

Telling YOU to leave?  I would have changed the locks on the door and put her stuff out front for the garbage man to pick up, then leave her a message she'd better come get what she wants out of the pile before he takes it.

[UtahDad]

(I've bolded my answers so it doesn't take me all night to respond)

.....I agree with PJ who said you had every right to check her cell phone! How could anyone disagree with that.  You are her husband and there are no secrets between husband and wife.  A person who has nothing to hide, hides nothing.....Don't let anyone tell you you had no right - you did and do. 

I totally agree with this and it wasn't like I was ever hiding anything from her.  We both interchangeably used each other's phones up until the time she really started to hide things.  As I said previously, judging by what I saw by just briefly browsing thru the phone bill she really had good reason for not wanting me to see the calls.

 Why can't you check your county's records to see if your wife has filed for sure? 

This was actually a great idea, two phone calls today and I was able to find out from the county clerk that NO papers have been filed against me. 

If she hasn't you could do it yourself. 

This is a sticky situation with my church.  I guess you could call it a semi legalistic leaning church.  Because we went thru everything as far as premarital counseling with our pastor and had him sign off on our marriage, so to speak, he is saying that she is the one who needs to file the papers because she has chosen the path of the non believer and I really don't have a biblical reason (at least 100%) to file at this time. 

She would probably be shocked and maybe woke up from the blinding fog she is in.  Are you saying she is back with her ex husband? 

No, it is just an ex b/f, one that I found out she lied about how long she had been broken up with him, lied about his continued contact with her and if I believe all she told me, he should be sitting down in jail for the things he did to her in the last few months they were together.

Does she have the kids? 

Yes, she has 4 kids but none with the ex b/f.  This was a really screwed up point too, she insisted that because he was around the two youngest kids for 18 months when they were really young that she would ALWAYS consider him their dad no matter what I said (she and I had talked about me adopting the two youngest since that dad was not in the picture)

Remember, just because you file for divorce doesn't mean you have to go through with it. 

It is at the point where I can't see any sort of reconciliation given all the deceit and lies I have uncovered.

If it wakes her up, good. That was your intention. And if not she sounds like maybe she was a fraud all along.  You've only been married 4 years right? 

No, we were only married 10 weeks.  I knew her for 4 years and courted/dated for about a year.

What was her response to the letter you posted? 

Her response was always great to letters that I wrote her and she wrote back letters and cards that made me believe she felt the same and had 100% dealt with the issues from her past. 

Was there ever a time when you felt she genuinely followed the Lord? 

Yes, up until the last part of the marriage she was always at church, always attentive and involved and I really believed that she had an awesome heart for the Lord from everything I could see.  That did all change in the end tho, like a light switch almost. 

Did you pray together? 

After the first few hectic weeks of marriage once things started to settle down we started in with our Bible reading and studies again.  I had actually got a one year Biblical study series on marriage and the pitfalls to watch out for and how to deal with them.  That series arrived 3 days after she kicked me out, lol. 

It's pretty hard to pray with someone and not know their heart towards God. 

Towards the end she would always ask me to just pray, she started acting a little odd about praying and talking with God.

I know the pain - I'm sorry you are there.  Cry out to Jesus! He hears you.  He has promised to never give us more that we are able to handle. 

I do know this for sure.  This marriage is my second.  I had been divorced for 8 years before all this happened.  My first marriage was not a Godly marriage even though I followed some awful 'christian' church advice that I should marry this girl because we lived together for a few months before I saw that she was completely different than she portrayed herself (I was 18 and on the wrong path away from God when this happened, I was trying to get back on the right path by listening to the church advice).  After 7 years of struggling to hold my family together through her multiple affairs and some of the most vile things you can ever imagine someone doing to another person, I finally was forced to file for divorce when she started to bring my children around a man who molested her for 11 years and made jokes about it.  I could not legally keep my children safe while still married to her and I have paid dearly for that marriage.  I gave up everything in my life for 7 years fighting in court to keep my kids safe, I spent over $60k in just attorney's bills (a lot considering how much I make) but in the end my perseverance paid off and I was finally awarded sole custody and my ex has extremely limited contact with the kids now (she has continued to actively try and place them around people and in situations that she knows will result in great harm coming to them).  That situation is why I waited so long and was so careful before I got involved like this again with anyone.  I don't jump from girl to girl and quite frankly most girls have lost interest by the time I talk to enough people that know them that I feel comfortable even asking them out.    

Keep praying for strength and wisdom.  I'm praying for you too.
HAH

Just read choseone's reply.  We were thinking the same. 

Thanks for all the prayers and I will keep updating this thread as time goes on.

[UtahDad]

she left her phone and the note telling me to leave

Telling YOU to leave?  I would have changed the locks on the door and put her stuff out front for the garbage man to pick up, then leave her a message she'd better come get what she wants out of the pile before he takes it.

The lease was up on the place we were at in 2 weeks anyways, we were in the process of taking over my parent's home so it wasn't like we were in a home together or buying one and she kicked me out.  If that had been the case, yes, all her stuff would have been on the lawn.  Lol.

[BAH-BLAH]

But can you throw the stuff from the second floor?

its cathartic

[UtahDad]

But can you throw the stuff from the second floor?

its cathartic

Believe it or not I got all my stuff out, cleaned up the whole place and had it looking like I had just never been there.  I am not one to get bitter and let it bother me forever but I do feel really sorry for her and where her life is heading.   

[Mere Nick]

she left her phone and the note telling me to leave

Telling YOU to leave?  I would have changed the locks on the door and put her stuff out front for the garbage man to pick up, then leave her a message she'd better come get what she wants out of the pile before he takes it.

The lease was up on the place we were at in 2 weeks anyways, we were in the process of taking over my parent's home so it wasn't like we were in a home together or buying one and she kicked me out.  If that had been the case, yes, all her stuff would have been on the lawn.  Lol.

Oh, alright.  I was just wanting to make sure.

[UtahDad]

Small update.

I had a talk with my pastor tonight before church and explained the newest developments with the phone records, what her family has said and her continued refusal to contact me or the church.  I basically presented everything that I know for certain and asked him what conclusion that he and the church leaders would come to if we all sat down to look at the circumstances.  He agreed that if you look at everything together it does look like (short of me bringing in pictures of her with someone) she is off with someone else and that the church and church leaders would stand behind me if/when I decide to file the papers myself.

He stopped short of saying that he would advise me to do it but he said he believes I have handled everything correctly so far and he can see that if I do, it would be a last resort for me now.  Thinking about it after I think I will hold off for a few more weeks.  If I wait until Nov 17th it will be exactly to the day the same amount of time we were together as man and wife as from the time she asked me to get out.  I am not one to put a time limit on God and I know that He can bring this situation around 180 degrees tonight if that is His plan but I do need to start trying to move on with my life and away from a person who at this moment is a wolf in sheep's clothing in the church. 

[Mac]

I am not one to put a time limit on God and I know that He can bring this situation around 180 degrees tonight if that is His plan but I do need to start trying to move on with my life and away from a person who at this moment is a wolf in sheep's clothing in the church. 

100% correct.

You have done it the right way. Just because someone expresses something with their mouth, doesn't mean their actions support what they say. That is why the bible says we will know who the children of God are.. Through their fruit, we shall know them.

[UtahDad]

UPDATE:


This Wednesday night at our midweek service I came out to a note on my truck.  The following is the whole note as it was written, nothing added or subtracted:

Paul,
I am truly sorry for hurting you and the kids, that was never my intent.  I wish we could go back to when we were friends and hung out, but I know you can not even think about that.  I miss my best friend!!  The one I could always talk to.  I'm sorry.  Amy


So Thursday I left a message with her parents that I would like her to call me, this is still the only way I have to contact her.  She did try to call from work about 5 times yesterday but ended up hanging up each time without saying anything.  Today she called a little after lunch and left a voicemail saying that she is getting off at 5 and will call back then.

She did call when she got off work and we talked for about 30 minutes.  This is pretty much everything we covered.  She says she really misses 'someone' there for her at home (when I got a little flustered and asked if she just missed 'someone' she should get a puppy).  She said that I knew what she meant and it wasn't a dog that she missed.  Still wouldn't come right out and say it tho.

I told her that if she was calling for forgiveness and to make sure I was ok, I am fine and I forgave her a long time ago.  She got a little annoyed and again said that was not what she was calling for.  She still wouldn't get specific.  She did start crying a few times when I asked her about her comments and actions in the last few weeks of us being together.

The biggest problem is still this, she is now allowing the 2 girls to be around her ex that should be in jail.  He is an awful person and the one that my wife can't seem to control herself around.  When I confronted her about being down in his town the next day after kicking me out she flat out lied 3-4 times before asking me how I knew, when I told her I could see from the debit card statement that she WAS there she changed her story to she 'was bringing a friend down to another town and we stopped to eat lunch there in the park'.  Apparently you buy $50 worth of groceries for a quick bite in the park....

She still is not being forth coming about all the phone calls and texts.  She insists that her last incident with the drinking and guys and her not having her ring on can all be explained by her not knowing the guys were showing up and she only was letting her friend 'try' her ring on.  Still odd since until I found out thru her friend's facebook she never mentioned any of that went on.

I am kind of torn right now, I must admit that I still have feelings for her but they certainly aren't like they used to be.  I don't think I believe the majority of what she says.  There is no way I can be ok with her having the girls around that guy that isn't even their dad.  He is an abusive person and for her to be convincing her girls that he is their dad (he is NOT) is just begging for a disastrous ending!!  I must admit that in the last few weeks since she kept telling me to move on with my life I have been developing a good friendship thru emails and talking with an awesome Christian girl that has a son in my kids' school.  I know I am not divorced yet but when I was told to 'move on with my life' and 'get over her' and my pastor telling me that I was ok filing for divorce, I didn't see much wrong with starting up this friendship.

I am in a real pickle, I have the woman I fell in love with and married possibly wanting to reconcile and at the same time this is really the second time she has pulled this whole disappearing trick (once while we were dating but she explained it away at the time to getting nervous).  I really can't trust her and she still continues to lie to me over and over until I confront her with concrete proof then she tries to play it off as I am making it into something it isn't. 

[Mac]

UPDATE:


This Wednesday night at our midweek service I came out to a note on my truck.  The following is the whole note as it was written, nothing added or subtracted:

Paul,
I am truly sorry for hurting you and the kids, that was never my intent.  I wish we could go back to when we were friends and hung out, but I know you can not even think about that.  I miss my best friend!!  The one I could always talk to.  I'm sorry.  Amy


So Thursday I left a message with her parents that I would like her to call me, this is still the only way I have to contact her.  She did try to call from work about 5 times yesterday but ended up hanging up each time without saying anything.  Today she called a little after lunch and left a voicemail saying that she is getting off at 5 and will call back then.

She did call when she got off work and we talked for about 30 minutes.  This is pretty much everything we covered.  She says she really misses 'someone' there for her at home (when I got a little flustered and asked if she just missed 'someone' she should get a puppy).  She said that I knew what she meant and it wasn't a dog that she missed.  Still wouldn't come right out and say it tho.

I told her that if she was calling for forgiveness and to make sure I was ok, I am fine and I forgave her a long time ago.  She got a little annoyed and again said that was not what she was calling for.  She still wouldn't get specific.  She did start crying a few times when I asked her about her comments and actions in the last few weeks of us being together.

The biggest problem is still this, she is now allowing the 2 girls to be around her ex that should be in jail.  He is an awful person and the one that my wife can't seem to control herself around.  When I confronted her about being down in his town the next day after kicking me out she flat out lied 3-4 times before asking me how I knew, when I told her I could see from the debit card statement that she WAS there she changed her story to she 'was bringing a friend down to another town and we stopped to eat lunch there in the park'.  Apparently you buy $50 worth of groceries for a quick bite in the park....

She still is not being forth coming about all the phone calls and texts.  She insists that her last incident with the drinking and guys and her not having her ring on can all be explained by her not knowing the guys were showing up and she only was letting her friend 'try' her ring on.  Still odd since until I found out thru her friend's facebook she never mentioned any of that went on.

I am kind of torn right now, I must admit that I still have feelings for her but they certainly aren't like they used to be.  I don't think I believe the majority of what she says.  There is no way I can be ok with her having the girls around that guy that isn't even their dad.  He is an abusive person and for her to be convincing her girls that he is their dad (he is NOT) is just begging for a disastrous ending!!  I must admit that in the last few weeks since she kept telling me to move on with my life I have been developing a good friendship thru emails and talking with an awesome Christian girl that has a son in my kids' school.  I know I am not divorced yet but when I was told to 'move on with my life' and 'get over her' and my pastor telling me that I was ok filing for divorce, I didn't see much wrong with starting up this friendship.

I am in a real pickle, I have the woman I fell in love with and married possibly wanting to reconcile and at the same time this is really the second time she has pulled this whole disappearing trick (once while we were dating but she explained it away at the time to getting nervous).  I really can't trust her and she still continues to lie to me over and over until I confront her with concrete proof then she tries to play it off as I am making it into something it isn't. 

You keep right on praying. Also, you keep right on moving on with your life.

She is not wanting to reconcile. She is not even giving you the courtesy of being honest. No, she isn't ready to reconcile.

Pray for the Lord's will to be done. And you continue on with your life. Do not, however, have an affair. You are still married. But you have to pray for the Lord's wisdom and guidance on how to proceed. Your wife may have betrayed you and been unfaithful, but you do not need to do the same thing.

I know you want to that, but felt I should say it.

[haveahope]

UD -  This does not sound like a woman you could trust at any level.  Lies mean they have something to cover up.  In my opinion, you should continue to move on.  I agree with Mac though, please be extremely careful with  starting a new relationship just now.  You don't want to get into something now, you are not a free man.  You are still married.  Don't become a 'madhatter' and switch to being someone who toys with someone you have no right to yet.  It's sounds like you'd have grounds to have your marriage annulled.  10 weeks is not long, especially when she's been gone half that time. 

 Actually she sounds mentally unstable.  To put her kids in danger, at any level - well, that's something this mind cannot understand.  You take of care of you and your kids.  Gird up your mind with the Lord and His Word. He will not steer you wrong.  (I'm sorry but people can steer you wrong, even church leaders who even though are sincere, they can be misguided.  The Bible warns us 3 times in Proverbs 'in the multitude of counselors there is safety'  - when making life changing decisions get multiple counsel from people you trust and who completely understand the situation.  People whose counsel matches up with the Word of God, not 'church traditions' or legalism.  ( this is coming from an ex-Pastor's wife of 20+ years who has experience with legalistic churches)

And of course keep on praying.  We will continue to pray for you here. 
HAH

Joshua 1:9  "Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the LORD thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest."

[primaryjustice]

UtahDad - I have to agree with the last two responses here. The level of dishonesty with this woman seems pretty high. I would recommend not taking what she says very seriously until you can verify that she's being honest with you. If she wants to come back and reconcile, you have to be able to believe and accept that desire as genuine and her intent as genuine. If not, it may just be spinning your wheels needlessly.

I cannot more strongly emphasize what both HAH and MAC have said; it's not a good idea to get involved with another woman while still married. Marriage is a commitment you made to both your wife and GOD. Until that commitment is terminated (and with the adultery it sounds like she's in you have biblical grounds for it), you are still married to her. I can only use myself as an example, but in my case my wife has still not let go of this other man, so I had to ask her to leave last weekend. Since all of this started, I've had desires and even opportunities to strike up relationships with women, but am purposely avoiding doing so since it can risk turning into an affair quickly because I'm extremely vulnerable right now. All I can recommend is to get into some kind of mens study, and maybe develop a strong Christian male friend or two. They can be extremely helpful when the temptation to do something you shouldn't arises.

I will keep praying for you and your situation UtahDad. I understand how painful it is to have your wife end up being something you didn't expect. God has a way of using even the darkest moments in our pain to speak to us the clearest. Wait on HIm expectantly and see Him do great things!

[UtahDad]

I know not to be involved like that, I was just stating that I was talking with another girl since I have made it pretty clear on here that the whole 'girl' friend thing while married/involved is not something that can lead to much good.

She did NOT call back later yesterday or this morning like she promised she would.  I am thinking that she was expecting me to be groveling for her to come back (her other ex's basically stalked her for almost a year after) and that is just not how I am.  Maybe she was looking for an ego boost but I don't think she got that out of our conversation.  My kids (12 and 10) did overhear me talking about all this with my mom and the both have come to me saying that they don't want her back around because she is just going to hurt me/them again.  I will keep praying but it isn't looking good for her when she can't even be honest and fess up to mistakes.

[Bocephus]

I know not to be involved like that, I was just stating that I was talking with another girl since I have made it pretty clear on here that the whole 'girl' friend thing while married/involved is not something that can lead to much good.

She did NOT call back later yesterday or this morning like she promised she would.  I am thinking that she was expecting me to be groveling for her to come back (her other ex's basically stalked her for almost a year after) and that is just not how I am.  Maybe she was looking for an ego boost but I don't think she got that out of our conversation.  My kids (12 and 10) did overhear me talking about all this with my mom and the both have come to me saying that they don't want her back around because she is just going to hurt me/them again.  I will keep praying but it isn't looking good for her when she can't even be honest and fess up to mistakes.

I have read the thread but didn't have any comments until I see kids involved.  In this situation, I think you should put your kids first, than yourself, and then her.

[UtahDad]

I have read the thread but didn't have any comments until I see kids involved.  In this situation, I think you should put your kids first, than yourself, and then her.

That's a big part of what my pastor told me also.  These are my kids that I spent over 7 years fighting for in court to keep them from being hurt emotionally/physically by their mom and it is hard to see them worrying about her (new wife) coming back only to do this again.  They have gone thru enough of the whole disappearing mom thing with their real mom over the years that I don't want them to have to ever worry about that type of deal again.  I am about 95% sure what needs to be done, I guess I just need a little more council from my pastor and pray for strength.