Author Topic: The call I never wanted to get?? In desparate need of prayer...updated  (Read 1274 times)

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Offline what_2do

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Background: In just over 2 weeks I will have been married 4 years. It has been something of a bumpy journey: I was young (just shy of 20) and I do not believe we knew what we were getting ourselves into. We were in love, ran away and eloped. The biggest problem has been that we had different expectations; he is an immigrant and expected a relationship like that of his parents, very traditional, his mother is the keeper of the home 100%. I had always thought of marriage as a partnership, especially considering that I have been in nursing school and worked 40+ hours per week most of our marriage. Despite my nearly impossible schedule, he constantly insulted my housekeeping and that I did not cook for him often enough. I have been forced to be the bread winner for most of our marriage, I do not resent him for that, after taking a year off to focus on school, he had two jobs over the summer, one now as he is finishing up school in a few weeks and will have the same earning potential as myself.

I was so excited to learn that I was pregnant this past spring with our first. It was a rough pregnancy from the beginning; fatigue and nausea were worse than I ever imagined. Although he and my doctor's nurse thought I was just being paranoid I insisted something was off. After a few early tests and then an ultrasound it became clear- IT's TWINS! We were really excited; I felt so blessed, though a bit anxious. He seems so happy about it and very other sentence from him is 'my children', 'my babies'. Over the summer I felt him being a bit more distant, but he was busy with two jobs and school (that is what I told myself). Plus our lack of physical intamacy due to the pregnancy made it seem worse. I once came across a paper in the pocket of his work clothes, it was a nursing license verification for a woman. Being that my husband works in the field of nursing I did not think anything of it. I asked him if it was important he said no so I threw it away. Now several months later, I just got a call from a young woman who goes by the same name as that which was on that paper. She asked if I would be available tomorrow as she thought we should talk...my heart skipped a beat, I asked about what and she would not say, said she was going to work and would call me tomorrow. I cannot imagine other than infedelity I cannot imagine why this woman would want to speak with me??? My head is spinning. In hopes she would not back out or change her mind, she sounded timid on the phone, I texted her saying that 'I think I may know who you are and if I am right I am not mad at you, but think we should talk'. I am devastated and cannot stop crying already, even though nothing has been confirmed. My husband is 2 hours away at school, he stays there 3 days a week and commutes back to be with me and work over the weekend. We moved back so that I could be closer to work and my family(I commuted every week for a year, while I finished school). I am 8 months pregnant with twin girls and know I do not need this stress. I just need prayers, If this is anything like I suspect I do not know how I am going to have the strength to get through this. I am not perfect and we all have our failings as people, but how can he claim to love me, yet abandon me when I am at my most vulnerable. I feel so betrayed and broken.

So she called me this morning... she apologized and said he claimed we had been long seperated, that they met at work the job he had over the summer and she causally invited him and another co-worker to have breakfast, the other person declined. They started hanging out, going to the gym together and it turned into a relationship. There was one day that he told me he was going to a friend's after work who lives a ways from our home and fell a sleep. By early afternoon I was franctic calling him, but no answer. I was scared something bad had happened as that is unlike him. I used the online system of our phone company to see who he had spoken to last as I do not have most of his friend's numbers and texted the last few people he had talked to in hopes of finding out where he was. They were not together that day but she saved that texts as his explaination for why someone was looking for him seemed odd to her. She is from the same nation of origin as my husband. She mentioned him to a friend, who apparently knows us or knows of me and was warned he was a married man. That is when she called that number and asked for me, guessing it had been me who texted a few months ago. She said that eventually their relationship did become physical. She seemed genuinely hurt by his actions and wanted to confirm what she had been told was true, as she felt guilt and shame carrying on with a man who had a wife at home. She said they have not seen each other in a couple of months and every time she calls he claims to be busy with school stuff and he said he was exclusively living in the small town where he attends school and does not come to the city, which he does weekly. She said she planned on breaking all ties and wished me well and hoped we could sort out our marriage and thanked me for not being angry at her.

Currently I have family in town and do not want to embarass myself or him, biting my tongue and pretending everything is ok is going to be tough but it is just one more day, plus it gives me time to pray and think. I just feel like he abandoned us when I needed him the most, pregnant feeling sick and lonely. But I am angry as well. I do not even know where to begin.
« Last Edit: Wed Oct 17, 2012 - 12:02:36 by what_2do »

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Offline Lively Stone

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Re: The call I never wanted to get?? In desparate need of prayer...
« Reply #1 on: Wed Oct 17, 2012 - 00:27:36 »
I will pray about this for you, what_2do.

If you are a born again believer in Jesus Christ, remember this:

Isaiah 43:2-3a
When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.





Offline chosenone

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Re: The call I never wanted to get?? In desparate need of prayer...
« Reply #2 on: Wed Oct 17, 2012 - 00:27:59 »
I would wait to see what she says before you panic too much. If they are having an affair why would she want to tell you?
Are you both believers and do you have a good church support system and friends there?

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Re: The call I never wanted to get?? In desparate need of prayer...
« Reply #2 on: Wed Oct 17, 2012 - 00:27:59 »

Offline what_2do

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Re: The call I never wanted to get?? In desparate need of prayer...
« Reply #3 on: Wed Oct 17, 2012 - 00:55:37 »
Thank you, Lively Stone.

Unfortunately we have not regularly gone back to our old church, we have been sort of in between locations for the last nearly 2 years. We moved 2 hours away to a small town for both of us to go to school, then this spring we moved up to the city where we stayed all summer now he commutes as I did for 16 months or so. I have great Christian friends, but once I learn more would be afraid to embarass my husband or open up about such a thing. I may have posted this a bit prematurely. I just cannot sleep and freaked out more than a little. For now I am just avoiding him and will see what tomorrow brings.

 I am almost certain that she is from the job he had over the summer as the job that he kept working while he is at school is the same place I work. I don't know that it was a long term on going thing, perhaps she learned of me after the fact and felt guilty. I could understand feeling obligated to inform the wife, if I had dated a man I did not know was married. Really there is a lot I do not know. It is just my feeling that I know what it is about. Oddly she seems to know things about me: my name, somehow she called my cell phone, she asked if I lived in the town where we went to school. I said no and she lives here in the city where we do now. 

It is really hard for me to distinguish how much of my feelings are legitimate and how much is me being hormonal and overly emotional; Pregnancy does that to you.

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Re: The call I never wanted to get?? In desparate need of prayer...
« Reply #3 on: Wed Oct 17, 2012 - 00:55:37 »

Offline Lively Stone

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Re: The call I never wanted to get?? In desparate need of prayer...
« Reply #4 on: Wed Oct 17, 2012 - 06:15:04 »
Thank you, Lively Stone.

Unfortunately we have not regularly gone back to our old church, we have been sort of in between locations for the last nearly 2 years. We moved 2 hours away to a small town for both of us to go to school, then this spring we moved up to the city where we stayed all summer now he commutes as I did for 16 months or so. I have great Christian friends, but once I learn more would be afraid to embarass my husband or open up about such a thing. I may have posted this a bit prematurely. I just cannot sleep and freaked out more than a little. For now I am just avoiding him and will see what tomorrow brings.

 I am almost certain that she is from the job he had over the summer as the job that he kept working while he is at school is the same place I work. I don't know that it was a long term on going thing, perhaps she learned of me after the fact and felt guilty. I could understand feeling obligated to inform the wife, if I had dated a man I did not know was married. Really there is a lot I do not know. It is just my feeling that I know what it is about. Oddly she seems to know things about me: my name, somehow she called my cell phone, she asked if I lived in the town where we went to school. I said no and she lives here in the city where we do now. 

It is really hard for me to distinguish how much of my feelings are legitimate and how much is me being hormonal and overly emotional; Pregnancy does that to you.

You're welcome! Whether or not you are premature and maybe even borrowing trouble, it is OK to share your worries so that we can take these fears to God. Give them to Him.

In the meantime, it would be a great thing for you to ask the Lord Jesus to direct your path and to lead you to a local church of His choosing---one that will welcome you, love you and train you in righteousness. You---and your husband need support in your life, even if this turns out to be a tempest in a teapot.

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Re: The call I never wanted to get?? In desparate need of prayer...
« Reply #4 on: Wed Oct 17, 2012 - 06:15:04 »



happypromises

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Oh bless you. bless you.  Only a woman who has suffered infidelity, can understand the agony and torment.  And it is of course, made even worse, by the fact that you're about to have your babies.

Ok, first and foremost, ask yourself, what do you want?  Do you still want to be with your husband?  Do you love him enough to see your marriage through this?  Only you can know the answer to that....and don't listen to what others say.  Your heart will give you the right answers.  Secondly, go running back to God and ask Him to give you wisdom and counsel. 

I don't say this lightly - I have been cheated on twice in my relationship (except, my other half was cheating on me, with men!) but I know that when it feels like your whole world is spinning madly out of control, and you have no-one, that God is the absolute rock you can depend on.   I personally think that God shows up most powerfully, when we lose everything and put our whole trust in Him...that has been my experience anyway.

How do you do that? Get up early, read a Bible devotional or just your Bible...and then take time to pray in the quiet.  Ask Father God what He wants to say to you, what direction He wants you to go.  He will show up, I promise!   And from that, you'll get peace and direction and a sense of what to do next....something that no one here can give you.

God is the God of restoration and He can fix this, no matter how bad....so give Him that time and wait and see what He will do.   And also, don't make any rash decisions at this point - like you say, you have a lot of hormonal stuff going on and that can cloud your judgement.  At some point, you'll probably need to confront your husband, but right now, you need to concentrate on you, God and your babies.

I promise you, there is light at the end of this horribly, dark tunnel.  Lean on God - He won't fail you!

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Offline what_2do

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happypromises-I am sorry you were put through such an ordeal in your marriage.
I do love my husband and I am certain that deep down he is a genuinely good person, though perhaps he has fallen short lately. We had a long talk last night. I could not help but confront him, biting my lip was not an option unless I wanted to severe it. We did not fight; he was silent a first and showed the most raw emotions I have ever seen from him. He was very remorseful and spoke of the great guilt and shame he felt for abandoning not just me, but our girls.
 He was feeling the pressure of becoming a father and was scared, instead of turning to me and looking to the father he did something horrible. These are by no means an excuse and I am still really distraught, but I think we are both dedicated trying to work this thing out. He has agreed to go to therapy and states he wants more than anything to take care of us and create a family for our children. We talked about changing expectations in your marriage and family- we need to get back to church. There were somethings I said I won't negotiate on: we need to start praying together (everyday without failure, even he is away a school), he needs to be more transparent (I will call him out on his bull, I know when he is not being honest, but previously did not want to push most matters), and cut all ties with this woman. I know it will be a long road, but think in the end the effort has the potential to be worth it. I have no doubt  in God's ability to heal our marriage, despite the current difficulties we face.
« Last Edit: Thu Oct 18, 2012 - 09:42:42 by what_2do »

Offline MeMyself

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happypromises-I am sorry you were put through such an ordeal in your marriage.
I do love my husband and I am certain that deep down he is a genuinely good person, though perhaps he has fallen short lately. We had a long talk last night. I could not help but confront him, biting my lip was not an option unless I wanted to severe it. We did not fight; he was silent a first and showed the most raw emotions I have ever seen from him. He was very remorseful and spoke of the great guilt and shame he felt for abandoning not just me, but our girls.
 He was feeling the pressure of becoming a father and was scared, instead of turning to me and looking to the father he did something horrible. These are by no means an excuse and I am still really distraught, but I think we are both dedicated trying to work this thing out. He has agreed to go to therapy and states he wants more than anything to take care of us and create a family for our children. We talked about changing expectations in your marriage and family- we need to get back to church. There were somethings I said I won't negotiate on: we need to start praying together (everyday without failure, even he is away a school), he needs to be more transparent (I will call him out on his bull, I know when he is not being honest, but previously did not want to push most matters), and cut all ties with this woman. I know it will be a long road, but think in the end the effort has the potential to be worth it. I have no doubt  in God's ability to heal our marriage, despite the current difficulties we face.
Bless you! May God honor your bravery to confront the issue, the heart in which you did so, your determination to stand up for what is right, and fight for your marriage! You are an inspiration!
Though I agree your dh's state of mind is no excuse, he at least searched himself, looked at the ugly and asked himself the hard question about "why"...and I believe God has ahold of his heart for good!  You guys will make it through this.  May God draw near you and bless you as you travel this difficult journey. May He draw you so near to Him that your marriage is strengthened and fortified so much more deeply than it was before the affair.
 ::hug:: ::hug:: ::hug::

Offline chosenone

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happypromises-I am sorry you were put through such an ordeal in your marriage.
I do love my husband and I am certain that deep down he is a genuinely good person, though perhaps he has fallen short lately. We had a long talk last night. I could not help but confront him, biting my lip was not an option unless I wanted to severe it. We did not fight; he was silent a first and showed the most raw emotions I have ever seen from him. He was very remorseful and spoke of the great guilt and shame he felt for abandoning not just me, but our girls.
 He was feeling the pressure of becoming a father and was scared, instead of turning to me and looking to the father he did something horrible. These are by no means an excuse and I am still really distraught, but I think we are both dedicated trying to work this thing out. He has agreed to go to therapy and states he wants more than anything to take care of us and create a family for our children. We talked about changing expectations in your marriage and family- we need to get back to church. There were somethings I said I won't negotiate on: we need to start praying together (everyday without failure, even he is away a school), he needs to be more transparent (I will call him out on his bull, I know when he is not being honest, but previously did not want to push most matters), and cut all ties with this woman. I know it will be a long road, but think in the end the effort has the potential to be worth it. I have no doubt  in God's ability to heal our marriage, despite the current difficulties we face.

 You are so right to be strong and set clear conditions.
Have you both thought about setting clear boundaries with the opposite sex?? This relationship started with him going out for breakfast with the OW. To me, spending time alone with a member of the opposite sex is a no no, and a meal out together is not a good idea. Other married couples have other godly boundaries. How about his wedding ring? Does he wear it? If he does then why did she not see it?I would have thought that she would have seen it very quickly if she was interested in him. ::shrug::
He also needs to let you have access to his phone and internet for a while until your trust in him is built up again.
I hope that he will live up to your trust in him, and your decision to give him another chance.

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Offline what_2do

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Thank you memyself.
Chosenone, you make a valid point. We need to think a great deal more about boundaries and his 'freedom', I told him it is his job to make me feel secure no matter how crazy paranoid I am. Especially considering that it is not just some overly hormonal reaction or figment of my immaginaiton; it was real. My husband has never worn a wedding band, though I do- partially cultural, partially religious reasons. He comes from a very conservative SDA family and none of his married relatives do. It bothered me when we first got married, but I got over it. I did mention that it would mean a lot to me if he would reconsider that; to me that is a statement to the world: I AM TAKEN! Think I may have to dig it out of the closet and dust it off, I did buy him one once upon a time.
As expected his story was much different than the one she told. He says she knew about me and when he started ignoring her calls and refusing to see her a couple of months ago (which she admitted & stated that is what made her suspicious) she started threatening to call me and reveal the affair, as she concluded that text must have been from me. She made a big ado about how learning the truth hurt her as well as she was anxious to break ties and shame him for leading her on and disrespecting me, etc. But she has not called him since we spoke, so I am somewhat inclined to believe him. But I don't know and not sure it really matters.